Big Picture Stuff & Trying to Define Success

Thursday would have been my father's 60th birthday; if you read this blog regularly, saw that entry or know me in real life, you know he died in June. I was trying to keep the day free since I wasn't sure how I'd feel. I ended up being asked to do paying work so I spent some of my day on that. Then my husband asks me, the sick woman he gave his cold to, to do dishes & other domestic tasks (I'm pretty sure he also asked me to make HIS tea even though he swore he didn't).

Actually had a great conversation with the person I'm doing paid work for. He pointed out some things that are completely accurate from my vantage point & it made me feel really good to hear it. It was further confirmation that I'm exactly where I belong & am no dummy here. My therapist also read the Yelp review I wrote on her (which was 100% truthful) & she told me yesterday that I am a writer.

My husband & I are finally going to go to marriage counseling. I'm proud & happy that he admitted there are problems in this marriage & he took the initiative to set that up with someone who may be compatible with who we are + take our insurance. I definitely think his stunt last week was a turning point, at least for me.

One big thing I absolutely won't put up with from anyone is abuse; emotional abuse is most certainly included in that. I had to put up with enough emotional abuse from my father & then I was a child who had no say or options to leave (though I did tell my mother when I was 7 that she should get a divorce & probably kept saying that over the years or asking why she wouldn't leave). As an adult, that is simply not going to fly with me from anyone. I don't care if you've been married 100 years or 100 seconds; no one deserves that. I have a lot to say about where I see problems and what I will and won't put up with.

Today's conversation kind of further proves that no one should dare accuse me of living in a delusion when I say my entertainment pursuits are going to pay off & that I'm just where I need to be professionally speaking. It's one thing to hear it from the world at large; it's another to hear it from your family members or your relatives. Calling my career a hobby or me delusional on this one is extremely offensive & means I won't be dealing with you since that shows me you've got zero respect toward me as a person or for any creative talents I have.

It seems like a lot of people in my life are in the midst of major transitions & changes. I sort of wonder if I'm going to be one of them in the near future; I honestly don't know how things are going to go but this status quo isn't going to cut it. Between me & my sister, I wonder whether these men think that because our father is dead they now get to treat us like shit since he's not around to kick their butts. If they think that's the case, they'll be in for some very sad realities.

I'm also the type of person who never hung around bullshit. My affection for a guy faded very quickly if I was disrespected, lied to, or the guy did something horrid. Now I was more often the dumpee than the dumper but when I was feeling oppressed or angry or hurt & the guy never acknowledged or respected my feelings, I was out the door. I also never tolerated anyone's attempts to control me or tell me what to do (I still won't). There's one definitive sign that it's over: when you're crying after you've had sex with someone. Once you do that, you have to face the fact that it's over & done.

As I told a friend of mine, if this marriage ended I'd probably never want to get married again. I wouldn't be helpless & figure my friends won't let me cede to that feeling but I think I'd only want open marriage if I ever got close enough to anyone again to want even a slight commitment. I'm still shocked I got close enough to my husband to have a relationship with him since I never was able to do that with anyone else, even when I wasn't looking for Mr. Right Now. I'm not even sure I ever looked for Mr. Right since I felt Mr. Right was a myth.

Now for some reason the Biography channel is showing that old show Confessions of a Matchmaker, which I remember watching years ago back when it aired. I think my husband may have found it. I was watching an episode where she's trying to help this guy who is a "deluded" musician because he works in a music store & is trying to be a rocker. He'd apparently had an album but they didn't go into too much detail about what he did, if he had gigs, what he was trying to do, who he knew, anything like that. The matchmaker was just dismissing him as delusional because of his age (within my range, by the way) & because of his day job in retail.

It's been my contention that success isn't something with a quantifiable definition, especially in the entertainment field. You can make money at it but not be famous & you can also be famous but broke. You can win awards, get great opportunities & have lots of contacts while having to take a day job. I just don't define it by money & if you did that in entertainment, most of the people in it would be "failures" by that definition.

Recently, I read this book about the oral history of Nickelodeon's early days. One fact I learned was that a lot of people doing the shows many of us know and love form that time were working for passion, not money. I don't think anyone would have called those people "failures" back in the day & I'm sure most wouldn't now.

See what I mean about success not being defined by money? At the end of the day, I'm pretty sure it's what each person personally defines as success. You might think I'm "successful" but perhaps I don't, just like I might call myself a success even if someone else wouldn't. It sounds a little New Age but I do think there's no real quantifiable definition of it, just a perception that everyone has to define for themselves.

Oh, and let me also say that I think the people who define success by a paycheck are the same people who have zero creative talent, would never get the opportunities our innovators get & may very well know this fact (while also hating it). The people who don't think that way are a breath of fresh air to people in my industry, let me tell you.

Since getting back to this post a few days later (my schedule is literally that insane these days) I'm still in the midst of waiting for what life is going to bring. I guess in some way we all are.

Sunglasses: A Symbolism Story

Until taking high school English & learning about it, I didn't really appreciate the concept of symbolism. After that, I started to notice little symbolism stories in my own life. The absolute best one was when I lost the diamond ring I bought myself years before on the same weekend my then-boyfriend said he cheated on me. I think I told it before but if I didn't, I have to someday.

The latest one concerns my former childhood best friend. Maybe now we ought to call her a train wreck or someone TLC ought to be contacting with a contract for a reality show. From her latest antics, they really ought to. She's apparently managed to make one acquaintance who I felt ought to get a reality show w/her sister look functional by comparison (she's the one who had to fight to get a tubal after having 4 kids & limited means to raise them).

Many moons ago (or at least it feels that way), before she went insane my ex-friend gave me a pair of sunglasses. They weren't really The Angry Redheaded Lawyer's style (my style is very eclectic & different from the pack's) but I said "Thank you" and took them just the same.

If you read "The Wedding Saga" series here, you know that friendship has definitively been history for a while. But...it gets so much better.

Remember when I mentioned my sister finding out her husband had been having less than clean conversations with other women on Facebook? Well, guess who he decided to have one of these conversations with? Guess who responded to these overtures & said nothing to my sister? You got it, this ex-friend.

My sister, for God only knows what reason, decided not to tell this bitch to suck it or fuck off or drop dead like 95% of us would have. No, she decided to still talk to her though on a more limited basis.

Two thoughts occurred to me at hearing this:

1. My BIL could do so much better than ex-friend. If he were single, had no kids, dressed nicely & came to a fashion show, he could probably have a shot with a fashion model. I know them, you know. Plus, I have the wingwoman skills. Oh, hell I'll be a bitch & say it: this ex-friend was a size 22 at the wedding. I am (and was) a size 2.

Looking back these days, maybe my ex-friend had more luck with guys than me back in the day because she had fewer standards than me. I was picky, wasn't going to have sex with them & according to people I know (and even someone who reached out to my sister later), guys were intimidated of me & insecure around me being who I am. Older guys checked me out but I had no skill to pursue that and no one really pursued me until college.

2. My sister ought to be nominated for sainthood. The reason will be even more obvious soon.

Fast forward to this month: the ex-friend had the baby with her illegal fling who I guarantee isn't nearly as good looking as most of my guy friends & certainly not any male models I've worked with. She contacts my sister (AFTER the revelation of her little conversation with my BIL which my sister found out about & not from the ex-friend) to ask her to get a free bassinet my sister is trying to sell. This after she apparently owes my sister money from that wedding.

My mother apparently told my sister she was done with this ex-friend after the ex-friend showed her ass at the wedding (the incident referenced later in the saga & to which everyone who's heard that tale sides with me, including many impartial third parties). My sister simply opted not to return that phone call.

Apparently, ex-friend was around when my sister lost her first husband but I think that ex-friend used up the goodwill from that ages ago. Recently, we crossed 10 years since this guy died; I don't think you can do the shit she did & get to remain in someone's good graces because you comforted them when their first husband died.

As far as I'm concerned, the only thing my sister owes this ex-friend is not shooting her on sight (mostly so my sister doesn't have to go to jail). Anything else is fair game.

Now, for the symbolism. I started wearing these sunglasses & didn't really care if they got messed up or lost screws (as most of my sunglasses invariably have happen) since I was just using them in the meantime before wearing newer ones I got that are in keeping with my style. I had been wearing them for the longest time just because. Certainly anyone who saw me in them figured they weren't really my aesthetic.

A few days ago, I came home & had the sunglasses in my purse. I open them up to find this:



I have no clue how that happened. I wouldn't be able to physically break them myself, my purse had been closed when I discovered this & I'd worn them home a few minutes earlier. The cats didn't sit on them or my purse. I'm still puzzled over it.

I still have to get the screws out so I can save them or maybe put them into some other sunglasses in a style I like. I just think this is interesting. Don't you? Whose sunglasses break apart like that with no prior evidence of this?

This ex-friend is also a huge reason I'm selective about who gets to come into or stay in my life along with convinced that no one should get to stay in your life simply because they've been there forever if they no longer fit within it. Friends of mine certainly better know if they don't that they're in a privileged place & past goodwill isn't going to keep them around forever. Guess my sister got the whole saintly stuff when it comes to people while I got the "no mercy" gene.

Why I Won't Be Your Manager, Being an Inadvertent Wingwoman & The Job I Want But Will Never Get From a BigLaw Employer

Lately, life has been rather busy with my freelance gig. I also went to a model casting I heard about on Thursday night, which I figured was going to be a short term type thing with no networking involved but ended up having free food that was pretty decent and led to my meeting someone in the talent management arena who said she recognized me. We had a lovely conversation & I've got more people to follow up with (likely now or sometime after my husband goes back to his dreaded job; at least he's been acting more like his normal self, though we still have that whole fiscal responsibility issue to address--today's my anniversary, by the way).

I also am no longer managing my first client. This is better anyway since she found someone more suited for the role, I am who I am and since being a manager isn't about promoting your own career, it was just too much anyway. We're still friends, though.

Since then, I've now vowed not to be anyone's manager again unless I retire from what I already do.

This means not doing any type of creative pursuit and certainly not being a partner in a film production company. Otherwise, I'm going to be way too focused on representing myself and getting ahead for myself.

Plus, I'm just worn down from being anyone's Mommy. I'm sick of doing that for my husband and have stepped back from things I would have done in the past. He even asked me if I networked for him at the event I went to on Thursday; I told him that since he doesn't want to work in the entertainment industry with its permanent freelance nature & is not into fashion, I did not. I also mentioned that he doesn't even know what he wants to do so how am I supposed to help him on that front? Plus, let me tell you self-sufficiency is a turn on for any mature, functional woman (me included). In fact, it's not just a turn on for me; it's a dealbreaker. I can't deal with that type of dependency. I heard a song by The Waitresses recently called "Go On." There are lyrics in there I'm sure many of you girls can relate to about guys. Particularly "another [guy] gets dependent" and "Am I a magnet for losers? A net for the helpless? I'm no social worker." Hear, hear! It also strikes me that a friend of mine was actually BEING a friend to me back in the day rather that just trying to break up my relationship for selfish reasons (or at least it was this friend not trying 100% to break it up).

The Waitresses have other songs, as I discovered in Song Pop. Go hear them. Just like The Specials, there's some good writing on issues that relate to things in life you don't hear about all the time. I also happen to like Mary J. Blige since she has some depressing songs but they have depth & I can relate to a lot of them having grown up where I did.

Yeah, I'm plain too worn out to do that so I think it's time I took care of myself & let my own career go where it goes.

On Friday, I went to karaoke with my husband as we often do. We have a karaoke place not far from our house that we've been to so much, they no longer check our IDs when we go in. This week, a friend of my husband's he's been trying to get there for ages showed up & brought his friend. My husband said this friend (who he worked with at another branch in the library) was proficient at getting women. Apparently, though I helped his friend get a hook up without trying.

Here's what happened.

The girl his friend was talking to gets up & sings a Talking Heads song. I'm a huge fan of their music & have every single song from that group. If Song Pop got a Talking Heads category, I could get 4 stars in it very quickly & kill most people in it. I also told my husband if I ever end up in a coma, he should make sure to have Talking Heads playing.

I don't feel I could sing Talking Heads well but this girl did it. She also happened to be the very first person I'd ever seen do Talking Heads at karaoke; no small feat considering I've been to karaoke tons of times in various cities along the East Coast.

I said "Points from me for picking Talking Heads." I also figure if you're going to sing something by them, you've got some taste. We had a brief conversation, I told her about my husband knowing the guys involved with the karaoke & giving them songs before. She said "We need to get all their songs in there." I said "Yeah," since I think that would rock especially if you see Talking Heads songs you don't see elsewhere. This place has a cool selection of songs & I have found a few that I've not seen elsewhere.

After I had this conversation, I legitimately had to use the bathroom. Lucky for me, there was no line.

I come back and my husband tells me his friend's friend and this girl are making out. He claimed that I apparently helped this guy get laid even though I didn't set out to do that. I just complimented the girl on her song choice in a spirit of sincerity.

This story confirms that I could totally do wingwoman work & should get paid for it. I applied at a few places and got interest in the past but nothing ever worked out from it. I'm not sure if you have to get licensing for it if you want to do it on a freelance basis by yourself. Getting a company name could help & I know that costs money but it seems like a possible avenue I should investigate. Plus, I've got the model cred officially this time.

So if you're going to karaoke & need a wingwoman, I can totally do it since I'm a semi-pro singer & know a lot about what makes it good or bad when you're in front of an audience. I also have the necessary stage presence because of my whole entertainment background & there's that model cred. Finally, I'm well aware I'm a rare breed (at least if the older guy I met while at karaoke is speaking accurately): a woman with good looks AND intelligence.

Speaking of jobs, I found a listing for the elusive one I'd love to do in a law firm. I actually saw a Craig's List post for it and had to wait until Friday to apply due to life happening. I also needed some time to craft my strategy.

Looking at the description I was thinking "I can totally do this." After all, I have been a partner in my own business for nearly 6 years, have had my law license for about the same time, managed to get some respect in the legal community by being me (and if you've read this blog, you know how hard that task is; I would have told you it was impossible a few years ago) & have had people from the traditional legal world listen to what I have to say, even though I'm not some BigLaw type.

I applied but in my honest view, I've got a better chance at winning the lottery or being abducted by space aliens than getting an interview for it. First off, this is at Morrison & Foerster LLP a.k.a. a BigLaw firm. They're part of that whole evil empire that shuns creativity, people who aren't from T1 schools/weren't on law review/don't come from millions of dollars to make either of those things happen, thinking outside the box, attractive women, assertive types & pretty much anything else you can think of that would describe me 100% accurately.

Second, I'm not impressed with BigLaw or anyone in it. I will not kiss your ass & I will not let you treat me like crap. I don't care where you went to law school, what your class rank was or any of that garbage. I care about how you act as a person & if you're a jerk to me, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Magnanimity is not a trait I have or aspire to. That would be my sister: she's far more magnanimous than I & clearly has a much greater tolerance for BS from others. It takes a lot to really get on my bad side but once you do, God help you. When I hear anything about BigLaw, I figure they expect some fancy little ass kissing presentation where you grovel at their feet and refer to them as "Your Excellency." Sorry, but that's not who I am.

Finally, from reading the ad I feel like they focus on creating client relations by technical measures & there's a director to report to. It feels like a conflict between book smarts & street smarts. I have the street smarts considering I've been networking on my own for free just to enhance myself and my business; that bridge isn't going to get built if you're just sitting on your butt & looking at the lumber, you know. You have to BUILD it and put in the work to make it strong. I also have yet to meet any successful networker who has developed rapport or built authentic relationships by using technical measures and sophisticated metrics. You build those relationships by being a good person: having empathy, doing things the other person would find helpful, inviting them to events you're involved in, talking about things other than their legal problems, being laidback but not too much. There's a balancing act involved & you need some warmth along with genuine affection/respect for people if you're going to do it well.

Guess that's also an issue I take: I don't feel the world of BigLaw has respect for me or my contemporaries.

Now I have encountered people who worked in BigLaw (even as attorneys) who weren't total assholes fitting my image of BigLaw. That was the spirit in which I chose to apply. There's also the idea of never getting things if you don't ask so I figured applying wouldn't hurt.

However, I did it by being myself & by pitching the idea that my being an outsider is the precise reason why you should be talking to me. My demographic is different, I have a different manner from your crowd & I'm better at creating authentic relationships. I hear things from people that they'd never feel comfortable telling you, I have likeability & if I'm working with you, that reflects better on you since perhaps a fellow BigLaw hater will give you a chance if you have a representative who isn't conforming to that mold.

Either these people will shock me & get in touch with me or they'll live up to my low expectations and do precisely what I expect. You can't make phone calls for this one & I have no direct contacts to this firm (though if I asked, I'm sure there's a contact someplace with some insight; wish I knew someone who had worked in the NY office to tell me if my negative views are accurate or about this particular Director of Client Relations since I have no time for incompetent blowhards who know less than I do, have zero imagination & would hate me on sight but for some reason would get to supervise ME).

Maybe knowing that I've done what I have but these people haven't & probably couldn't is another reason I have some clashes with that world. Who knows if some of them aren't the haters who bitched & moaned when I refused to kiss their asses or assume they were God while I was a poor, stupid simpleton?

At least I have a general title for it & know it exists but I don't see a BigLaw place considering me unless my best friend was a partner in the law firm with a huge share or a partner there was a huge fan of my creative output or my film company's creative output. Am I wrong? Prove it. You can offer to help me out on this or show me by word & deed that I'm wrong. Otherwise, you're not likely to convince me I shouldn't start expecting the spaceship to come take me away before getting a call from this firm.

"Passion First" vs. "Money First" People & Things You Don't Say to Creative People

It feels like there's two different mindsets among people in life. There are the people who are first motivated by passion and then there are the ones who are first motivated by money. It's the type of thing that leads to huge conflicts, especially when you deal with creative people.

Living in both of these worlds, I have no idea how we can distinguish why particular people have this mindset. I do have my theories on the "money first" types, though. First off, not seen those people confront death in their immediate family at an early age. I became more motivated to follow my passion when my brother in law died suddenly at 21 when I was 22 and trying to get accepted to law school somewhere outside the Southeast.

Second, I haven't seen those people really have a passion for anything. You get a sense that they're just going to slug it out at any old job paying enough for their purposes, have no real enjoyment in anything & then die sooner or later. For me, that's depressing as hell. At least do something you like, even if it's in your spare time.

Third, the true "money first" types are more than happy to tell the "passion first" people to try shoehorning themselves into holes that simply do not fit them for whatever reason. I have had to confront this in my own home, which no one should have to deal with.

Finally, the "money first" types hate their lives & what they do. Perhaps they recognize the bleakness of their own existence that I mentioned. Unfortunately, I've seen quite a few operating under the old "misery loves company" umbrella & try taking everyone around them down with them. It's these types I have been excising from my life since that shit doesn't work in modeling, where I plan to utilize as many opportunities as I can get.

Dealing with a lot of personal issues lately. At least I did find out my immediate family is still with me but I'm not so sure my husband is truly with me. He makes me wonder at times, especially with certain comments I've gotten recently. For instance, he apparently thinks I sit on my ass & do nothing all day since I don't have some full time job that provides me with a W-2. I look at opportunities & take advantage of networking while he outright told me "networking is a waste of time" and refuses to do it. My husband is a bit of a misanthrope; he'd even admit it to you. He's not the type to go to fashion events, while that's totally my thing. In some ways, I missed out on things since I lived in NC and never got to do entertainment stuff until I graduated from law school and moved to NYC.

I could deal with his having different interests from me and having other friends. That's fine and I think that's healthier. We don't need to be attached at the hip; no couple should aspire to that. Just remember that if you get married, your spouse's problems become your problems. I had no clue just how much this was the case until my husband became outright despondent over his job situation & started taking it out on me. It seems he falls in the "money first" crowd while I'm part of the "passion first" crowd.

I wasn't actually part of the "passion first" crowd until later on in my life. I think maybe it started with my brother in law's death or when I learned there was such a thing as entertainment law. Yeah, I think it was when I learned there was such a thing as entertainment law. I knew I would never be happy in the average law firm setting and had no desire to kill myself to be number one in my law school class. I also knew the power of relationships and "you can't take it with you" with my brother in law's passing and watching my sister's reaction to it while trying to take care of their son by herself. I vowed that if I ever found a love of my life (which I felt didn't exist), I wasn't going to let some law firm break up my relationship. I figured once I found the love of my life, it was going to be a set "forever & ever" thing. Who likes dealing with divorce & all the mess of break-ups?

But when you're dealing with 2 different mindsets and 2 different levels of ambition, you're going to have serious problems. As an older, wiser person I have to say don't marry someone who doesn't have some ambition unless you lack it yourself. I'm hyper-ambitious so being around people who aren't drives me crazy. Ambition seems to be one of those things like financial attitudes: they say if you're a saver, don't marry a spendthrift & vice versa.

My husband is from a "money first" family so I feel some concern that this attitude has rubbed off on him way too much for me. My family has its own flaws but no one ever told me I couldn't bother having dreams, ambition or sights outside my hometown. Eventually, they stopped having any moments of doubt in me when I said I was going to do something. I have continued on my not seeing people in my husband's family since their comments to him since I refuse to go anyplace where I am not welcome & have yet to receive an apology from anyone. What's the point in that? None of these people are co-workers, pay my salary or are sharing public transit with me. To my mind that means there's no point in putting up with their bullshit or disrespect. We'll see how my husband handles this & if he respects what I told him long ago about how I would not put up with abuse from in-laws (it was a chief reason I refused to get married).

Call me jaded, an old soul in a young body, whatever but I'm done putting up with people or situations in my personal life that I don't have to (and family is not a "have to" thing in my book since I am not raising children; even if I were, I think we should teach children not to put up with emotional abuse or rudeness from people who are supposedly there for you all the time & your #1 cheerleaders). I'd rather be done with that relationship and emotional tie than deal with negative feelings and situations arising from certain people. Common parlance would call this "cutting toxicity out of your life." That shit is toxic to an entertainment career as well & I know it would mess me up in other ways. Goes back to the wanting people around me who are going to bring out my best, not my worst.

So you "money first" types can have more peaceful relations with the "passion first" camp, here are things you shouldn't be saying/doing to those people if you want to actually be in their lives:

1. Implying that their careers are invalid because they aren't earning a paycheck for it. I've done quite a bit that means far more than a paycheck & has boosted my industry reputation.
2. Asking when they're going to "get a real job."
3. Assuming that if they are at home, they don't actually do anything. I'll have you know that I spend most of my days on the computer following up on messages, networking, reading up on current events, writing, looking for paying work, updating my social media (since if you're going to have fan pages & a website, you have to update those on occasion), doing legal work, organizing my e-mail/files/etc. Then there are those domestic tasks I'm asked to do like dishes, paying bills, feeding cats, moving the car, figuring out dinner, etc.
4. Equating being at home with being a leech. A leech is someone who does NOTHING; a leech doesn't network or go to events or try to stay current on anything. Vacation is a concept unheard of to the self-employed & definitely to many creatives.
5. Calling them lazy or unambitious (implying it also counts). Let me tell you something: it's damn hard to follow your passion if you work in this business. The majority of people working in this industry take far lower pay in exchange for doing something they love. Serious actors and other creative types constantly spend time on their craft with classes, shows, networking, etc. Ask yourself how much networking YOU have done lately. Let's see how many contacts you've forged.

Oh, and every career advice article out preaches the gospel of networking & tells us that "it's not what you know, it's who you know." The people who have the contacts win out every time.

Let's also not forget the fact that creatives think outside the box & reach out to people in ways you'd never bother with since you're stuck in the conformity box. I, for example, don't go around being needy or trying to impress any potential employer. As far as I'm concerned, you need to be selling me on a job just as much as you expect me to sell to you.

6. Pestering the person because they haven't made money after a certain set time period. Entertainment industry success is a marathon, not a sprint. Tons of major movies took years to get made (for instance, Avatar took 10 years).

No creative I know thinks any of these acts are cool. I know I don't. It just makes me lash out & want to tell you to go fuck yourself. It also leads me to brand you as a jealous hater. Yes, we know the people who do this shit are jealous since they don't have a clue of the big picture & would rather drag us down to their level.

Now I'm not speaking of people who were told by industry pros that they have no skill at something or need to do something & just won't bother. You have to be a little realistic if you're going to work in the creative field & please, have some talent or go develop it. I'm talking about people who have some talent & a track record, who have signs that they should be doing this.

The irony is every single thing I've been doing in recent times circles back to this industry. I even got a recent paid freelance job with someone who works in this industry. If you read all my stories about how this industry comes in even at the most mundane times and when I'm doing something completely unrelated to entertainment, you'd have to notice the obvious and glaring signs in front of you. I already saw them & decided not to ignore it like some would have me do (i.e. people who aren't my friends & who I most likely didn't choose).

We'll see how things go & I did decide to look into marriage counseling (since some of this is being piled on top of all the BS I've already had to deal with in recent months, which I think is a shitty thing to do to someone). However, the old fire is definitely still there & I feel the same as I did in college i.e. NO ONE & NOTHING will stop me from doing what I want to do. I also won't be violating my own principles or things I said I'd never tolerate & that's just the plain truth. My sister decided to look into it to deal with her own marriage & as far as I know, things are okay with her. Therapy is helping me, after all.

Getting Professional Services: Elitism or Smart Planning?

Until a little over 2 weeks ago, I had never had someone not related to me do my laundry. Until Friday, I had never had a professional massage. Until yesterday, I didn't appreciate the talents of a Manhattan hair stylist that charges an arm & a leg to cut your hair.

If you're a woman, you totally lose on the haircut game. If you have long hair, it's even worse. Men can go & get $5 haircuts. Women are lucky if they can get one for $20, especially if they've got long hair. I went to one hair place in my area to use a Lifebooker deal I bought & those bastards tried charging me $15 extra for having long hair. Not a single one even complimented my hair color! See why they're bastards? That's a compliment I get at every single hair salon I go to. In fact, that's one of those ways I have to determine if you are indeed a credible hair person; if you aren't complimenting my hair on its thickness, health and/or color, it tells me you're not really hot shit at it.

Let's go back to laundry, though. One of the household tasks I hate doing is laundry. That & washing dishes, extensive cleaning and anything that forces me to undergo muscle pain or lift heavy items. I recently weighted myself & learned I was less than 105 pounds. In fact, I was 102 about a week ago! Muscle woman, I am not. Nor should anyone pester me to become it. I feel like "Isn't it enough that I'm an attorney, a business owner, an actress, a writer, a singer & a model? Beauty AND brains! Why should I also have to be brawn?" I've also asked my husband and others those very questions though some never want to recognize that beauty & brains are plenty, a lot more than what many women have.

I already shared my basic stance on cleaning; I do what I need to in order to avoid infestations & feeling like I live in a dump. I insist on my house feeling like a home, not a museum. Rigorous cleaning regimes just aren't happening with me & I don't think it diminishes me as a woman to refuse to engage in them. Maybe I'd make a shitty suburban wife but I have never wanted to be one anyway & my being one would lead to my story ending up on Deadly Women or some other ID (Investigation Discovery) show about a woman who has affairs, kills her spouse/lover/some other person or does something else scandalous enough to end up on one of those shows.

Lately, I have grown extremely disenchanted with doing laundry. First off, I hate our local laundromat with a passion since it's in my neighborhood (remember, I have zero community pride in light of the incident at the library), the jerk doesn't have air conditioning on during hot summer nights & wants to suffocate us all & you have to hang out with people who are maybe 1-2 steps above your average Wal-Mart customers in a meh neighborhood a.k.a. screaming children ahoy with lazy parents who do nothing to shut them up (in fact, these screeching kids are out late at night when my husband would typically be there to do laundry). Second, I'm less than 105 pounds & not He-Woman. I'm not the person to recruit to haul laundry or much else to places. I end up miserable having to lug things around & cranky because I had to put in contacts just to go to that laundromat and deal with that environment. Side note: don't ask me to help you move unless you're just moving items weighing less than 20-25 pounds. Third, by the time the laundry is back at our house we don't have time to sort it. If you wait, you get deep wrinkles in your clothes. Then there's the sock sorting, underwear folding, etc.

My husband sometimes does laundry at his parents' house but I'm not speaking to them at this point (this was also referenced in earlier posts). No one has yet to apologize or claim that I in fact DO have an artistic voice, 1st Amendment rights to speak my mind, and that my career is valid regardless of what financial rewards I get from it. Our latest film is screening at the Calgary International Film Festival as I type this. I even have my first journalistic writing gig acquired from the fact that I write this blog! Classic example of using a blog to form a distinct personality & lead to career opportunities. I'm looking forward to it; will post a link if it all works out and I get one.

So with that situation and my attitude that you shouldn't be going to your parents for certain routine things in your 30s, I felt like the time had come to see about outsourcing the trouble of doing laundry. I had no clue how much it was going to cost us but I found a good place that served our area & had a 5 star Yelp review. I finally got to use it 2 weeks ago & afterwards, my thought is "Why didn't we do this sooner?" It was quite cheap with a 15% discount and I think even without one, it could still be affordable to us per month & not really run us much more than doing it ourselves would (washers & dryers at the laundromat cost money, driving out to Long Island costs money, detergent/dryer sheets/etc. cost money & then there's the labor costs). Add it up for yourself & figure out if it works for you. I'm going to insist we keep up with it for our own collective sanity & value of time. If it sounds elitist to say having a professional degree means your time has some value, so be it. I absolutely think it does. Just told my family about doing this & they even agreed that it was better for us that way since our time costs money. If I had a washer/dryer at home like they do, I'd opt for that but since it's not an option for me it seems this is how you do it in city living.

I also found getting a professional massage is not the same as getting one from your lover (unless, of course, your lover is a professional masseuse). I have never dated a professional masseuse & the number of guys who have given me a massage is not a question I could answer off the top of my head. I know not all my boyfriends did that. Plus, a massage from your lover is supposed to be for getting in the mood. That's not the purpose of one from a professional.

I had the opportunity to get a free massage recently. With all the shit happening to me in the past few months (just realized yesterday my father hasn't even been dead 4 months yet), I felt I needed a professional massage or some type of spa experience. I also read a friend's Facebook post about the good feeling of getting one & thought she was on to something. Generally, they are not cheap. However, since I got the opportunity I figure something de-stressing would be the way to go for me.

Another fact about me that's probably not really shocking: I have a hard time relaxing. Call it the type A personality tendencies in me or my paranoia or my being an attorney; my brain can go a hundred miles an hour where I don't miss a beat. I also tend to do better if I'm busy & in some ways, thrive off it. This has always been my nature even back in middle/high school.

So, I went and got a great massage experience. I wrote a great Yelp review on the place, would totally recommend it to others (since finding places that are quality for beauty services is apparently a challenge in NYC, even in Manhattan where you'd think it wouldn't be) & once I can afford it, will totally indulge myself on that again.

Interesting fact #2 about me: I don't get my hair cut all that much. This is mostly since I think it costs too damn much to get it done. I haven't had a regular hair person since I lived in NC; I never actually got that done in Atlanta, though my hair was a lot shorter when I started college (me with short hair has triggered varied reactions from people though I never got it short enough to have the back of my head shaved). I wish I knew a great beautician who wouldn't charge me over $20 (including tip) to do it. That's something I'd love to get (maybe I should also get a friend who's a professional masseuse). You'd think I'd have those friends but I don't, at least not yet.

I was asked to go on a grocery trip by my husband, though I'd gone out quite a few other days that week. A little annoyed at having my ability to sleep late interrupted, I thought to myself "If I'm going out to Long Island anyway, why not finally go get the haircut I'd been meaning to get after this last fashion show?" I opted to do just that & picked an affordable place I'd been before where the stylist had not fucked with the basic template of my hair set out by a really great stylist at the Manhattan salon I went to beforehand.

I drove there, only to find it'd been closed and was absorbed into another location. The other location was taking the coupon I had but A) it was far more convoluted to get to than I'd expected (I nearly got hit trying to negotiate the parking area to get to their shopping center) & B) the cut the stylist gave me wasn't really what I asked for. I now have 3 layers in the front, which I didn't ask for, have never had & wasn't really sure about. I just wanted the angled cut I got with the stylist in Manhattan & that the second stylist I saw continued. It makes your face & hair look softer, according to the pros who did it & as a working model my hair has taken on new importance.

Decided to solicit opinions on the new hair from friends & family; so far the verdict has been good but I'm thinking maybe I should go to the other evening events I was invited to this week (an Entertainment Committee meeting on Monday & an exclusive entertainment/fashion networking event on Wednesday) so people I know from both the fashion & legal worlds can see it and give me feedback.

I'm not sure if it works for model me; long hair seems to be an asset in modeling, especially if you're a white woman. There aren't lots of short haired white models that I've seen. Granted my hair is still past my shoulders but it is shorter than it was; I was sporting hippie length hair before though it will never get to waist length even if I never get it cut (this really disappointed me when I was a child since my ex-friend had waist length hair).

Perhaps this cut is going to be an acquired taste for me but I think next time, I'm going to a pro in Manhattan. I know 2 of them thanks to Lifebooker (one even works in the entertainment industry).

I figured it's one indulgence I ought to get considering my husband spends far more on comics in a year than I'd spend on my hair (which might get cut 3 times a year tops) & I could probably write off my haircuts as a business expense since now I'm doing modeling. The prices in Queens aren't much cheaper & from my experience, service is better in Manhattan. I can also get to salons in Manhattan more easily.

I usually get my hair cut a lot to get rid of split ends. The funny thing is every hair person who does it tells me it's healthy. It was easier when I had curly perms since it frizzes like nobody's business but I guess my drying regime isn't killing it, which is a plus.

Possibly unusual fact #3: I don't spend time styling my hair. I just don't have the patience for it & I'm no beautician. I want to comb it & be done with it.

Maybe I'll put it up or have a hair accessory in it but I don't want to spend my time trying to curl it or something unless I'm going to a special event. I also don't wear make-up all that much these days though modeling has given me a greater appreciation for it. I likely wouldn't wear make-up for work unless it was for acting or modeling.

I actually think cosmetology is a great field to know. People will always be vain & shallow about their looks. You also can't outsource that job. Plus, you can save a fortune if you know how to do your own hair so that's something I think people should go into as a trade.

I realized that outsourcing laundry & all totally makes me sound like the typical NYC professional. Guess in some ways I am. It's not something I'm ashamed of or all that unhappy about. I don't know that it's truly elitism to say you don't want to do your own laundry; maybe that's just honesty. Now I just need to figure out how to not have to pay to do dishes after I cook.

General Musings, Part 32

Another one so soon, you may ask. Well, lots of things have been going on lately in society that I do have some opinions on & I figured this was the best structure to vent. Plus, some of these are based on things I've already mentioned in this blog (for instance, being a sorority member). So, here goes:

First off, further proof that if you have never lived a situation you should shut the hell up about it. Does anyone else find it funny this guy's name is Ron Johnson? In case you don't, I'm thinking of the show A Different World. The character on the show (whose name was Ron Johnson) was a serial playboy who was known for going through women like an alcoholic goes through alcohol until he got some character development in the later seasons. I also fully agree with the author's views & his further advice. Pat responses from idiots get on my last nerve, no matter how well meaning they might intend this "advice" to be. Apparently, he's never been to a middle class area & would get eaten alive in the inner city. Any inner city people want to debate on whether this Ron Johnson would last longer than a day in your area?

The first letter in this Dear Prudence column reminds me of the song "Too Much Too Young" by the Specials. It practically reads like the lyrics of the song: You done too much, much too young. You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me.

I've said it once & I'll say it again: that song should be the childfree anthem. In fact, The Specials have some great songs. I definitely relate to many of their lyrics like "Racist Friend" & "Rat Race." Plus, there's "A Message to You Rudy." I actually heard "Too Much Too Young" for the first time when my husband & I were watching a season of classic Saturday Night Live on DVD. One lesson to be taken from this letter: if you're not 100% sure you want a kid, don't have one! You can't put it back once it's come out of the birth canal.

Now I didn't read this whole series but I wholeheartedly agree with this point. If the food restriction people aren't acting like assholes, we're cool. Not acting like an asshole means:

1. Not making comments about the food on other people's plates. Such as telling meat eaters about how beastly they are & are killing animals. That's their prerogative, much like it's your prerogative not to eat meat. You don't get to tell me or other grown people what to eat.

2. Not assuming the host knows all about the foods you can & can't eat. I didn't grow up with vegans or people with special religious rites concerned with their food. The South is not a place for such things. I've told people that my food isn't fat free or healthy so if you're looking for that, don't eat my cooking. If you're vegan and coming to my house for a meal, you're going to have to bring your own food or your own ingredients & make something for yourself. I don't mind trying vegan food & if you don't tell my husband it's vegan, you might even get him to eat it.

3. Not assuming I know the first thing about making something you're going to eat that fits your food preferences. See number #2.

4. Not preaching about your diet and how the rest of us are evil, corrupt, selfish, stupid or whatever insult you care to heap upon us mere mortals for not following YOUR regime. Again, your freedom of choice ends with your own stomach & perhaps that of your minor children.

I like the "bring your own food" tradition if YOU have the special diet. Maybe you could end up getting people to try your food if you bring enough as long as you aren't preaching about it all the while.

My husband is a hardcore, unapologetic meat eater. I'm shocked he's not a member of that People Eating Tasty Animals group. He is rather strident toward vegetarians and vegans since he did experience the preachy types before; I'd hope he wouldn't be a jerk to a non-preachy type but I make no guarantees. See why I said you can't tell him something's vegan or meat free if you want him to eat it?

Speaking of the birth canal, the judge's actions here truly pissed me off as a woman and as an attorney. This judge sounds like my late uncle who had a sexual relationship with his 15 year old stepdaughter. He claimed she initiated it. I hope he's being investigated for this since not only does it pervert the whole concept of justice, it tells all young women that they can be raped and adult men will never be held accountable (even if they are in positions of authority over the women in question). I also hope this girl's parents had some words or did something after she killed herself over this; I could see my parents being livid if that had been me or my sister.

Reading this, I thought "Amen & Hallelujah to that!" I've been saying it for years; I'm glad it's not just me. In fact, being someone from NC it's my fervent belief that you are a monster if you subject the general public to a total lack of air conditioning in the summer months unless you live in Antarctica or Alaska where you will never need it. Climate change is here, folks & if the temperature is about 70/75 degrees, you'd better have that air conditioning on or be prepared for bad things to happen. I know how I react to excess heat & people in the South are also known for being more temperamental & violent than folks from the North. This is why I don't perform a job or do anything where I'd be subjected to heat in the summer (such as cooking or working in a small space with no air conditioning). No one needs the lawsuits or my redheaded rage.

This story hit home for me. I found out my sorority does not have a chapter there so I can definitely confirm something I know about it; we have NEVER been a "white" sorority or discriminated in membership based on race. My particular chapter was brand new when I was in it & we were looking for members generally. Being from a minority group would never factor into the equation of whether to extend a bid or not. One sister in particular outright said that if our group did that, she'd report the offending sister to campus officials. After she said that, I said I'd also do the same. Sisterhood is not about what race someone is. Apparently, some people's alumnae don't get that. You have to wonder if those people are total bigots.

I can assure you they couldn't have gotten much from the sorority experience since one of the things I & other girls got from it was interaction with people who had different experiences, personalities, perspectives and so forth from us. Even though our individual sisters weren't clones with the same circumstances, we still had common goals and a common bond through the sorority. Heck, that's what sisterhood is all about if you ask me. That made going to school away from my hometown or high school classmates valuable; I met new people & got a diversity of thought/perspective/what have you. I think diversity should be praised and encouraged in sororities while the membership gets their freedom of choice (for instance, not making the gamers take someone who hates gaming). Are happy mediums no longer a concept anyone grasps?

In one answer to that question, consider this recent action from the French Senate. Honestly, I would be perfectly fine with child pageants where the kids can't wear swimsuits, make-up, high heels, have corporate sponsors & the like such as the "mini-miss" pageant mentioned in the article. I'm sure most parents would be more willing to put their little girls in pageants like that.

Could you imagine how freaked out people would be in America if kids were banned from being in pageants? At least Toddlers & Tiaras would have to go off the air. That might disappoint people I know, though. I was in a high school pageant but never had to wear a swimsuit or put in fake boobies in my dress. I guess we figured the audience went to school with us so they'd know if a girl with an A cup suddenly had a C/D while competing in this pageant.

I think a total ban is a little strong, though.

So that's all the rant I've got in me today. The husband is bugging me to get off the PC (which we criminally need to get fixed ASAP & I'm about to go nuts about). Ciao.

The Tyranny of "Putting on a Happy Face"

So big things have been coming up on the horizon. My film company's latest feature film was accepted to screen at the Calgary International Film Festival. For those who don't know, let me explain the significance of this:

Have you heard of SXSW (South by Southwest)? It's this big indie film festival in Austin that happens every year & has a big music festival associated with it as well. If you're not hip to the indie scene, you will hear about SXSW endlessly on IFC (the Independent Film Channel). A friend of mine who, for his part, is not exactly a film expert wasn't familiar with SXSW; I swear that guy needs a film education & I have half a mind to be the person who gives him one. If you mention SXSW to someone who works in film, chances are they have very much heard of it (as have I).

Well, it seems getting into Calgary is a bigger deal than getting into SXSW. As in, it is huge & could mean a life changing experience for my company as well as me the person since I'm part of the company. I already have seen the impact of us having our present reputation & I feel like this could bring us into that space I both feel honor and fear about being part of.

To think, I remember us trying to get into SXSW & not being successful.

It's that whole conflict between having a private life & privacy vs. working in an industry where you're going to be high profile. Modeling works much the same way as well as some of my other work. Some days it's like "Damn it! I look like this & have creative talent so people keep asking me to do all this performance stuff."

Now I love writing, acting, singing, modeling; it's in my soul. I never even thought I'd be doing modeling at this point since I figured those days of eligibility had passed. As I've said, every girly girl wants to do it (me included) but I figured I'd have no chance due to living in NC, going to college & not being willing to go homeless to make it happen.

When I went to law school, I definitely didn't bargain on getting my partnership at One Way or that I'd be getting listed on IMDB. I thought maybe I'd get to do community theater if I had time; I'm sure other people figured I'd be a lawyer & never get a creative break. It was one of those dreams you figure would be great to get to live but based on the normal progression of things, you violate it so there's no need for you to consider it could happen.

The problem is, if you're too good at being creative and you get known you will get press. Now I'm not badmouthing the press here; it's not their fault human nature is what it is. Getting press means you get fans & haters. The fans are never bad to have but you have to worry about the ones who take it too far (the stalker types). The haters are a validation you're doing something right but if you're controversial, you've got to be a very strong person & put your 1st Amendment right to speak ahead of people who'd love to silence you.

The haters are what cause this tyranny of putting on a happy face. Do you ever see anyone well known who tells you about the bad stuff or is honest with it? I feel like getting known for things & having a fan base can mean you never get to have a bad day. You never get to share your upset or even your true feelings if they aren't shiny, happy or socially acceptable since too many people will be waiting to knock you down.

Don't you hate that? It makes a career where your brand is based on who you are a tad hollow, right?

You also learn who your real friends, supporters, fans and the like are as you go up the ladder to success. You have to see the problems, who's going to weigh you down & who's going to bring you up. Deep stuff.

At least the good news is I'm not required to be a saint or perfect in my own brand. I get to say when I'm having a bad day or when something is BS (I have a duty not to condone BS, especially in my industry). I'm actually doing a fashion show tomorrow, have things going on career wise that a lot of people would kill to have for themselves (developing the modeling direction might end up being a smart move on my part) but have a lot of personal shit I have to worry about. When you have death in your immediate family, it's something that lingers. It's not like "Oh, well," and you move on like it never happened.

Today was a big manic depressive episode. I'd interviewed for this job before Labor Day & finally got a status update on it. The job itself fizzled out due to fallen deals (it was entertainment related). That was a bummer to me; I also feel like it sums up so much in my life. This is not the first time I've had such an event happen, not by any means. I was thinking "God forbid I could finally have a steady paying gig! How much longer am I going to have to deal with this & things like MIA interviewers?" No one I know has had the types of stories I have concerning vanishing jobs & offers that went nowhere.

Just another "what the fuck?!" moment that seems to just be me. I'm selective in what I pursue or who I talk to so it's not like I'm unprofessional when I do interviewing. I feel like it's a definite sign from the universe that my company is going to be successful & I shouldn't bother pursuing other jobs, especially outside the entertainment industry. The question is, when is the universe going to deliver on the financial rewards? It seems I'm great at giving the illusion of success & people must think I live in a mansion or something when that couldn't be further from the truth. Unfortunately, a great reputation doesn't pay your rent or your student loans. I wish it did. I also felt like I needed to cry at some point; I don't really cry all that much & as a rule, I won't let people see me do it in public. I have only cried in front of a select number of people; those people only get to see it if they agree not to hold it against me later.

I later went to therapy, got cheered up some there, came home, set up the laundry service (since I hate our local laundromat, hate having to deal with my clothes being filled with wrinkles when I put them away & really hate the manual labor involved; I felt like paying for it might end up being worthwhile to save the time, stress and energy of doing it) & then got a phone call to have a meeting tomorrow before this fashion show I'm doing tomorrow evening (a show for Fashion Week, which I figured I'd be no part of as this newbie model who isn't devoting her full time to it). It could mean a chance to take this modeling thing further & getting to do bigger events. I have no issue with paying work & none with travel if I don't have to foot the bill for it. I have supporters outside NYC who might actually go to a show I was in if it was in their area.

I sort of feel like there's this 5'6 hate going on & I have no shot at professional modeling but I could be wrong. Others in the field did tell me height wasn't the end all, be all I thought it was but time will only tell if that applies to me or not.

So the question here is how do you keep your own identity intact without having to be everyone's happy face if you aren't known for your straight talk? I honestly feel like being open & honest is a way of having a more authentic & honest relationship with people; perhaps inspiring them to do things or feel like "Hey, this person isn't perfect. I don't have to feel inadequate or intimidated of him/her." If you ask me, we should share our trials & tribulations instead of storing them far away.

There is No Love for Redheads

Seriously. There is NOT, even among so called people who claim they have love for us. When I say "us," I mean the real redheads. People who had to grow up with the hair color & deal with life's slings, slights and insults. You can't actually get my color out of a bottle (if by chance you do, let me know what dye it is since then I can compare your hair to mine & share the news with my childhood family since they'll want to know) & those who know me say I epitomize much of the lore. I certainly have the temper, the skills and the sensitive skin my husband says hates me.

First off, I was in a fashion show last week & in need of false eyelashes. False eyelashes are a bit of a novelty to me since mine are pretty long naturally. My mom outright envies me for mine since she says I'd never need to wear mascara. I rush to the local chain drug store located on the same street where I'm hosting City Bar's off night show that evening. Do you think I find any for redheads?

HELL NO!! You can find them aplenty in black or brown but red? Why not just ask to buy plutonium or edible underwear in an XS or the answer to the meaning of life? I think I'd more likely find the answer to the meaning of life in a chain drug store than I would have found fake eyelashes for redheads. Is it any wonder I mostly shop online when I have to get something?

Then I learn about this website through a Facebook friend who was in a redhead appreciation group. I decide to take a look around since I am the demographic this website claims to "love." I discover something about applying to model for them.

Take a look at this page & tell me what's wrong. Still looking? I'll go ahead & tell you.

They require professional photos of redheads applying. Okay, I can manage that having done these shows recently & getting quite a few professional photos, a few by myself in fact. You even get a nice full view of my body in many of them. I'm pretty sure some of the guys who've seen them have totally drooled. Actually, I know they did since some outright told me I looked sexy in some. I like to think it's within the bounds of good taste & a classy sexy, not a slutty sexy that's going to damage my enforcer cred. Who says I can't be sexy?

They ask some questions. Okay.

Here's the problem: they require you to pose in THEIR product before deciding if you can model it. There's no free shirt or any offer to get one in order to do this.

Instead, you have to pay a minimum of $15 to buy one of these shirts. After shipping & sales tax (depending on where you live; the good state of NY loves to charge you sales tax for online purchases at every single turn), you're looking at spending closer to $20+ just to be considered to model for these people.

What the fuck?!?!? In the fashion shows I have done & in my modeling experiences, no one demanded anyone to purchase their product in order to be considered for posing with them. No designers, managers, no one AT ALL that I know is legitimate.

This site says nothing about paying models for their work, offering shows or anything of that nature. In fact, Model Mayhem outright forbids people from posting castings where anyone has to pay money to be considered!

This is akin to charging a job applicant money to apply for a job. We'd call that a scam. This is not even recouping your investment like paying the $25 photo fee with Central Casting where one day on an extra gig will pay that back & give you extra.

I wrote the people on this site about this. They claimed no one had complained, they'd "always done it this way" and totally tried telling me that was remotely acceptable.

For a site that claims to "love" redheads, this natural redhead says they are full of shit. Maybe they'd gotten no complaints because the women who'd applied to be models weren't lawyers in the entertainment industry. Maybe they'd not gotten professional models who know the deal & that this is bullshit no one should be subjected to. Maybe they've only gotten applications from rich people or the spendthrifts of the world. Some of us actually work for a living & don't go around wasting our money (hi, there). Granted, if I were left to my own devices I'd probably end up some old woman who died alone with a million dollar estate b/c I'm seriously frugal & keep things until they are literally falling apart but that's another story.

These people have only earned my contempt & certainty that they aren't professional. What celebrity would want to associate with someone who is classist to women who might want to model but can't afford to buy a shirt of theirs for photographing purposes? Who would want to deal with someone whose casting offer wouldn't be kosher on any professional job search site for models? I certainly do not.

I also don't feel like helping or benefiting someone who'd charge me to even consider me for something I'm more than fucking capable of doing & probably a hell of a lot better than any fake redhead. When I complained about this policy, I pointed out what I do in a general description. Smart people know a potential business ally when they see one & tend not to go around pissing them off. In fact, I can identify an entertainment professional by how they treat me.

I don't ask anyone to brown-nose to me or kiss my butt but I do get close to that treatment sometimes. All I ask for is basic respect and recognition of the reality of who I am and how it might affect them. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that it might be foolish to piss off the entertainment attorney, especially one who is unique & different like I am.

I also don't think my mentioning what I do makes me a threat maker; it makes me a realist & a strategist. Googling me would just lead to that information anyway so why not mention it in advance in the hope of A) making the person I'm contacting more apt to talk to me or B) taking some of the fear away by showing that person I'm a real human being instead of some cold machine whose name triggers the sound of thunder in the distance anytime it's spoken. Gee, psychology proves that you're more likely to talk to & befriend people who are like you. If someone can prove there's commonality, you're more likely to follow up with them. Applying that principle is far more helpful than some basic form letter everyone is used to seeing. Take it from the person who got a lot of contacts by just being herself.

By that token I will not be apologizing or hiding my success for anyone. I'm damn proud of it! You would be as well. I don't know any other successful person who hides that fact or tries to shame themselves over it to make some insecure jerk feel more comfortable. It's not my job to coddle or cater to someone else's shitty feelings about themselves. That's the very reason I did housecleaning in my life. Having a passion is far more important than a pile of money & I'll die far happier having that than I would a sack of money doing something I hated.

I also think we can all be successful in life without having to step on others to feel good about ourselves. My friends' success, for instance, does not diminish or take away from mine. I don't get jealous or envious of other people since I don't know their circumstances & they might very well ask me to help them on things.

Speaking of which, maybe I partially won the war. I'm now talking to my childhood family again on a more limited basis & I like to hope that maybe I've been able to assert myself as an adult and get treated accordingly.

I was in a blue funk starting last night & going into today but this evening made me feel better. Making cookies I was craving, venting to a friend (thought I only ended up talking to him b/c of the need to discuss a business matter) & being around creatures I like such as my husband and the cats are a great antidote. Guess that dream I had this morning where my family came to visit and sprung Psycho Boy on me didn't help my mood either. I remember totally losing my shit in this dream & we were living in a house.

Basically, I feel like my life is "hurry up & wait." It's also in a holding pattern & I hate that. I like to be active & feel like I'm doing something productive, particularly in the direction of financial rewards. Sitting around & waiting for things isn't something I do; calling me ambitious might be an understatement. I also don't do things at the last minute & get pissed if you spring that on me, especially if I'm not being paid to have that kind of availability.

Hopefully, things are going to get better. I like to think a friend of mine is right about holding true to my standards & how someone out there will appreciate and respect my skill set. I just feel like you live by your standards/code or you've got nothing.

General Musings, Part 31

The drama that is my life continues. My husband told me outright to go to a therapist & after more things happened (let's just say the chickens have come home to roost on something millions of Americans face but wouldn't really want to admit to), it felt like even the most anti-therapy person out there would hear of my experiences & tell me I ought to see a therapist. Let's face it: once you've had your entire life shift so dramatically in such a short time, you either see a therapist or go on a shooting spree. I'm too enraged as a person to commit suicide without taking some deadbeats down with me for the good of society. My last noble act, if you will.

Also, meet my friend Lindsay Lowe. She told me she admired me for going through the things I have but I feel like she's far more worthy of admiration than me. She's an awesome, talented & creative person who simply deserves recognition for her awesomeness. See her site if you want to know more about her.

Noticed a few stories in various places it's definitely time to comment on. Here goes.

This is a verdict that makes me happy. Maybe part of it is the constant rebellion I had against the Mr. Bones of the world. You know that school administrator: the one who acted irrationally & seemed better suited for running the Taliban than being responsible for the care of school children. A classic authoritarian through & through.

I hated authoritarian types back to my high school years. See earlier entries if you want to read about some of those antics. Defending someone's right to wear a bracelet like that would be right up my alley for multiple reasons.

This was also an eternal question I had myself. My mother even asked this when we were in school. I remember her thinking it was a stupid concept as far back as middle school. She may have even remarked on the non-punishment aspect of it when we were in elementary school. From this answer, it sounds like good old fashioned laziness is to blame.

I fully agree with this sentiment. I'm not just saying that because I can find my size at Victoria's Secret in both clothing & bras (you try doing that when you're naturally underweight, have a little height & vanity sizing is favoring the fat girls among us). I wish they'd sell more of their clothing in the stores since they have some nice dresses, shirts, leggings & the like (the shipping costs bother me on a deep level & I'm not wild about the regular prices but the sales are good). I also can't stand the whole puritanical sentiment that permeates through the comments of the detractors. Perhaps modeling has just made me even more rebellious against that whole puritanical culture since I had to deal with it so much as a child.

For now, I've resumed communication with my mother but I'm done with my sister. My sister even dared to tell me how I feel like she resides in my brain & knows my thought processes then tried to pull the "I won't let you have a relationship with my kids b/c I don't agree with your life philosophies" card. I wonder how I'd be treated if I were a web cam model or posing in Playboy or doing adult films. I figure I'd be all alone in life if I were doing that, even if I had to do that stuff to keep from being homeless or having everything I worked for go down the toilet. Incredible that some people have treated me like I have been doing such things.

I refuse to play that little game; if I played it, I know I'd eventually end up in a burka figuratively & maybe even literally. My sister claims my nephew was asking about sexual stuff & if he could see things.

Is it just me or should someone say, "Try being a PARENT & explaining that stuff to your kids without making sex a dirty, evil thing." I feel like that's the appropriate response (a discussion on appropriate sexuality), not telling that kid's aunt to dress like a nun when she doesn't even dress like a stripper getting ready to go on stage in modern times. It's also telling my sister got the same message I did growing up about how sex was this bad, shameful thing you should never do unless you're married. You later learn your parents aren't saints & are actually flawed people (some much more flawed than others). If I hadn't gotten out of NC, I'd probably still be screwed up on that point & definitely far less happy than I am today (oh, not just on THAT front; get your mind out of the gutter!).

You know, maybe I've overcome gender bias on cleaning. I don't really give a damn what people think about such things when it comes to my house. I'm not even close to a slob. In fact, I'm probably more of a neat freak than anyone in my childhood family is or was. I have a lot of organized clutter but I can account for most things. My husband once worked as a custodian so he knows a lot more about cleaning than I do. In fact, I think he has higher standards of cleanliness than me when it comes to some things. I'm just not interested in killing myself to make my home so clean you could eat off the floor. I hate doing dishes & I refuse to spend my days cleaning since I've got a life but I won't leave anything that will attract bugs, stinks or makes it impossible for me to clean up later.

Being childfree might also have something to do with it but my basic attitude is if you think my house is a mess, then don't come over. I'd rather not be subjected to the white glove test when someone visits. I also don't tolerate drop ins, implying that if you do you might see things you didn't want to see (and you just might; I've heard stories about parents seeing their kids in the middle of things no one wants to see their kid engage in & the kid not stopping).

I'm still shocked MSN did a story on this. Are you?

Then there's this question. I don't definitely know why lawyers are hated. I haven't really experienced that in my career since people in entertainment generally like & respect lawyers. I can only tell you what I dislike about particular lawyers or the stereotypical groups.

I wonder if these people ever reneged on this. Honestly, I didn't follow the whole "lean in" stuff & really don't view myself as following a formula for doing things in my career (at least not consciously). I adamantly refuse to read the book or give this woman press. I also agree with people's comments that Slate is just as hypocritical as anyone else. Considering the whole stepped up enforcement on unpaid internships, I hope anyone doing it who could actually afford to pay folks & doesn't gets slammed for it. They just make all organizations look crappy & classist by continuing that system. I know I view them as being classist.

At least there are upsides and good things going on in my life, especially on the business end. Let's just say I've gotten 100% definitive signs that there's no good reason for me to throw in the towel on the entertainment career or anything I've worked many years to develop as part of my brand & identity. The day is definitely coming & the people who weren't there will certainly not get any kindness from me. The haters have already gotten their walking papers & the fakes have been replaced.

Just remember that even if you're in your darkest moments, you should never change who you are or be something you're not to please some jerk who could care less if you lived or died or if you were happy or sad. Average employers (the ones who seem to populate the majority of Corporate America), I'm looking at you. There are plenty of employers out there who would take you for who you are & even view that as a plus. Life's also too damn short as I can verify with this shitty summer; why spend your time being miserable?

Signs of the Inevitable

For years, I've lived this struggle between maintaining private figure rights & accepting that I look as I do and will likely get opportunities in the entertainment industry because of it (it's happened already). People suggested I create a Facebook fan page, for instance, because of doing things on my own creatively and having fans.

Until Friday, I was skeptical of doing that for myself. I wasn't sure I actually had any fans other than current Facebook friends & some networking contacts. Why would you need a fan page if all your fans already know who you are & might be privy to details you have/share on your personal page?

That changed with doing modeling & having pictures posted publicly. I had 2 different random people send me friend requests who had no connection to any pre-existing friends, industries I work in and weren't people I remembered meeting recently. One had even sent me a message asking me which model I was in this one shoot I did.

Not wanting to give the option of "fuck off" or being in the same realm as actual friends/contacts who I don't mind knowing the personal details of my life (I'm not even sure my life is THAT exciting but it probably will be more interesting soon), I figured it was time I created a fan page. This way, I could correspond with and talk to people as me, the creative. Me, the person who is doing modeling pics in underwear (as part of a professional job, thank you, not me going to the bathroom & taking underwear shots with my iPhone). Me, the person who writes this blog & has opinions on things in life.

I'm a private person. I don't trust people easily. If I bother to confide in you even slightly or want to talk to you about personal stuff, feel honored since you're part of a very small group. I have also done 2 other modeling shows since the first one & did go out in underwear. That experience was also liberating, didn't feel uncomfortable and I didn't feel exploited while doing it. In fact, most people complimented how I looked or understood that modeling isn't the same as real life & is part of a show just like any acting performance I might do. Plus, it's not like I was in a thong or doing nudity.

A fan page also made sense to avoid having my husband want to kick guys' butts for complimenting me in modeling pictures. I know fan appreciation when I see it.

This is probably the climax of what else happened this week. In short, got some potentially life changing news, did more house cleaning by ridding myself of a hateful loser who will never be and figured out that I may be doing even more house cleaning.

Here's a question for the filmmakers, performers & those in the entertainment industry with even a remote type of public profile: Do you have to be an orphan to maintain artistic integrity?

I ask this since it seems a certain type of family insists on censoring adult members by scolding them for social media status updates. In this case, it's overly religious families and perhaps Southern families as well. My husband got a comment from one of his relatives about my modeling pictures and how she didn't what I wrote in my blog. My blog based on MY opinion & feelings on things. MY blog that has a following & where people have encouraged me to speak freely, be myself and all that good stuff.

My husband, great guy that he is, told this relative that I'm an adult & have free speech rights. With a nickname like "the enforcer," what do some people expect from me? Do they think they're going to tell me what to write, what to think & what to feel for me to listen to them and not do whatever it is that offends them so? Do they not have any self-control or options NOT to look at things? NOT to read things? Maybe not try censoring my art or my artistic voice?

Sorry but telling someone they shouldn't say or do something related to an opinion or feeling is an attempt to silence my artistic voice. Telling me not to speak or debate something is telling me to be some mindless robot & anyone who knows me well knows that's not who I am.

I've had with the tyranny of family! You'd think I was a web cam girl or working as a stripper with the general commentary on me doing underwear modeling for a fashion show. I was pondering yesterday how in the world real life adult entertainment people put up with this. I also wondered about stand-up comedians and remembered the one whose mother-in-law sued her because she didn't like a joke she made. I also recalled Margaret Cho's reaction when watching the commentary to an episode of All American Girl when her character is doing stand-up & her family is offended. The character gives up her stand-up career for the family while Margaret Cho herself says if her family asked her to do that or got offended by some joke she made, she'd tell them to fuck off.

As part of my new life outlook, I've insisted on honest relationships with people (including family members). I insist on family seeing me as who I am today, not what they wish I was or who I used to be. I've outgrown pretending & lying about things to cater to closed-mined, prejudiced assholes who don't love the real you. To me, it's too much work, too much effort and life's too short for it.

Maybe part of this also comes from never having older generation relatives that I respected or who really showed much love to me. It's very hard to recognize abusive family members & rid yourself of their abuse, especially if you grew up in the same house with them. However, I think Dear Prudence is right in saying that being old shouldn't entitle someone to be an asshole to their family or have their nastiness catered to by their families. I swear, the more I read that column & about the family problems people complain about the more resolute I am in my recent choices.

Life is not worth surrounding yourself with haters who want to tear you down, see you fail or drag you down to their level instead of striving for things on their own or helping themselves get ahead. I don't think I'm special for having done what I did; I was just determined and felt like life was way too short to settle for mediocrity or unhappiness. You don't get a hundred do-overs for life (unless you believe in reincarnation, of course, and that doesn't mean you'll still be human when you come back). I figure if Margaret Cho would do that, then why should I cave to the tyranny of family?

It feels like I'm going to have to get used to being alone in a distinct sort of way. Celebrities have talked about this feeling before & remembering it now, I feel like that's my future. My husband says he 100% supports me in my career; I want more people like that around instead of those who don't get it & just want to turn me into a little robot who has no independent thoughts or feelings.

One of these days, I'll feel settled in my personal interactions but I really wish I knew when that day would be.