Tuesday, January 29, 2013

What the Holy Fuck?!?!? Craig's List Ads, Part 6

Still have more posts in me but this just has to be done. For one, thing it seems many people seeking workers are total idiots. Read these & tell me what you think:

assistant (SoHo)

Date: 2012-12-20, 11:23PM EST

Part time assistant.
Education not important and is not necessary.
Importance in order On Time , Patience ,No cursing
Always need to look sharp and fashionable.
Cleanliness and manicured look is priority.
I was taught good manners gets the job done
No know it alls, no talks too much, no luggage.
No i got a 101 problems. Smart attitude and smart dress code.
Please no levis and shoes with stars on them.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: 10hr

Oh, I just had to respond. This is what I wrote:

Do yourself & everyone else a favor: get a robot to do this job.

You sound like an insufferable pain in the butt & a jerk (see "No know it alls, no talks too much, no luggage. No i got a 101 problems. Smart attitude and smart dress code. Please no levis and shoes with stars on them."). You must be one of those people who has a God complex and thinks they're smarter than everyone else, even when you don't know ANYTHING about something like medicine, law, plumbing, etc., etc. If you can't admit that you don't know everything, no one's going to listen to you or regard you as anything more than a mental midget with a God complex.

And maybe you should explain the relevance of some of your listed requirements. You apparently can't be bothered to tell anyone WHAT industry the job is in, the exact tasks/duties involved or use proper spelling & grammar in your ad. Classiness comes from speaking like an educated person instead of some entitled prick who will always be a wannabe & never become legit.

Perhaps you should take your own advice & use some "good manners" yourself since from this ad, you come off as anything but a pleasant person who is dedicated to the art of good manners.

Who would work for this person if they didn't have low self-esteem, a raging drug addiction or small children to feed? And even then, do you really want to teach your children that it's okay for someone to treat you like this asshole probably treats his/her staff?

I also saw this gem. It was posted recently so you may have time to write your own snarky response:

Discreet, absolutely professional Executive/Personal Assistant (Midtown)

CEO's wife, and formidable woman in her own right, seeks full-time-plus assistant to help her in varied business and personal capacities. The working week will be split between the corporate office and her private office. Responsibilities include calendar, correspondence with business affiliates, booking travel, errands, and increased levels of support in all areas of her life as the relationship develops.

Requirements include: BA/BS from competitive US college; 4 years' relevant experience; an approach to assisting which puts the principal's needs foremost at all times; zero inclination to chitchat; experience with high net-worth individuals; polished appearance; high proficiency with Excel and MACs; excellent writing; demonstrated ability to maintain absolute confidentiality; ability and inclination to keep personal life absolutely separate from work. The candidate should both be supremely capable, but also not feel that smaller tasks are beneath him/her.

Mon -- Fri 9am -- 7pm plus on call when needed.
Compensation: $85K annual salary + full benefits including 401K matching.
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Posting ID: 3578672587

Did you read it carefully? Here's what I wrote in response:

This CEO's wife sounds like a lazy cunt who lives off her husband's money. What business is SHE doing? I read nothing justifying her need for an on-call "assistant." No, let me rephrase that: she's seeking a slave or maybe a robot.

Do yourself a favor & get a robot. It will certainly cost you less than $85K a year & they will work 24/7 if you maintain them properly. Plus, it's 2013; slavery has been illegal for quite some time now.

"[A]bility and inclination to keep personal life absolutely separate from work?!" "[Z]ero inclination to chitchat?!?!" You or whoever you work for sounds like a total bitch & I say this being a super bitch.

Would YOU work with someone who has zero regard for your health, well-being or general happiness at your job? Someone who treated you like a dog, as you appear hellbent on doing to this person? No?

Well, don't be fucking shocked if people tell you to go fuck yourself at your oh, so glamorous job terms. I mean, do you also require the candidate to perform oral sex when the husband isn't around, dress you, chew your food for you & wipe your behind when you go to the bathroom?

You want "an approach to assisting which puts the principal's needs foremost at all times," you're going to have to show yourself worthy of respect.

All this ad shows is that this CEO's wife is a spoiled princess with zero class, an entitlement complex & probably no legitimate skill set whatsoever. Otherwise, you'd be talking about HER business & what SHE is doing that makes being her assistant a selling point instead of this solicitation for slavery.

Signed, Someone Much Bitchier Than You Who's Got Far More Class & More Brain Cells

Yeah, a lot of people are formidable. That doesn't mean they've gotten off their butts & actually DONE anything. And newsflash: ads with terms like this make me want to see you get shot in the head & die a slow, painful death. They don't endear me to you & they don't convince me that you are a professional who returns phone calls, treats anyone with respect or has anything remotely resembling people skills.

In fact, these people make my ex-boyfriend Condo Man look like my sister, the most social of the social butterflies that you'll ever meet. Condo Man was so lacking in social skills that a friend of mine actually said "He has the social skills of a rock." If he's doing better than these people, then what could we say about their social skills?

If either of these ad writers had actually done anything of note, I'd be shocked as hell. I also hope that CEO leaves this bitch & makes her starve on the streets. If he were smart, he'd choose a mate who was actually going to HELP his career instead of a dumber Leona Helmsley. I would not tolerate someone like this; remember that I'm a super bitch.

If you haven't got a law license, naturally red hair, the distinction of being called a prep by the preppiest, snottiest people in your school (this was around 6th/7th grade if you can believe it) & an executive level job to your name, (or at least a couple of those) you're just an amateur.

Human beings do NOT = dogs. They have rage issues. They have feelings & emotions.

Don't be an asshole: that's rule #1 in the entertainment industry & generally a good practice to use in life.

Oh, it does get better though, like this ad for an "Intern Administrative Assistant:"


Date: 2013-01-14, 8:46PM EST

Main Job Tasks and Responsibilities

answer, screen and transfer inbound phone calls
receive and direct visitors and clients
general clerical duties including photocopying, fax and mailing
maintain electronic and hard copy filing system
retrieve documents from filing system
handle requests for information and data
resolve administrative problems and inquiries
prepare written responses to routine enquiries
prepare and modify documents including correspondence, reports, drafts, memos and emails
schedule and coordinate meetings, appointments and travel arrangements for managers or supervisors
prepare agendas for meetings and prepare schedules
record, compile, transcribe and distribute minutes of meetings
open, sort and distribute incoming correspondence
maintain office supply inventories
coordinate maintenance of office equipment
coordinate and maintain records for staff, telephones, parking and petty cash

Location: QUEENS
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay


This wasn't an ad that required much but the first sentence was my exact though after reading this:

Just screw yourself. This is not a job requiring an "internship" to be good at it. No one needs professional training for it. Pay a fair wage for a professional or get the hell out of this section. No one gives a damn about your lack of funds & slapping "intern" on the title doesn't make you less of a lawbreaker.

Again, go screw yourself.

Whoever runs this modeling agency is completely stupid. I hope they end up in jail or sued out of business. Crap like this doesn't need to be around when there are plenty of legitimate people who'd probably be much better at it & don't have the financing for office space or hours to loaf away creating bullshit ads like this one.

The lawyers & law firms are also still involved in asking for illegal internships. Consider this I saw for a "paralegal intern:"

Paralegal wanted (Yonkers)

Date: 2013-01-14, 9:48PM EST

Paralegal intern wanted: our small firm in Yonkers, NY is looking for a capable paralegal who wants to gain some real world experience. You will be assisting in cases from start to finish. Your responsibilities will include: legal research, preparing a summons & complaint, crafting causes of action, filing, interacting with the court system, participating in depositions, and assisting in court. Please send in your resume' and cover letter.

Location: Yonkers
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay


The deception in the heading vs. the text also really made me mad. You can't slap the word "intern" and have it magically be legal to ask for free labor. Plus, when law firms & lawyers do it that diminishes me & every single attorney practicing in this state, this country and everywhere else. This was my response:

Funny, but this isn't a job where one needs to "intern" to do it. I'm a lawyer so I most certainly know this for a fact. If you can't afford to pay a living wage to a professional, stop wasting everyone's time looking for a freebie.

Maybe someone should investigate you for ethics violations considering this is likely illegal under state & federal ethics laws. You're not even paying for people's travel. In reality, you're charging people to work for YOU.

You should be ashamed & actually read up on the labor laws. Lastly, get bent!

Yes, lawyers have ethics rules they are supposed to be following. Jumping on the illegal internship bandwagon is one thing I would love to see the state bar snatch licenses for. If lawyers are doing it, how can the average person expect any better from any other employer? Aren't we supposed to be "role models," "upstanding citizens," and all that good stuff?

I would certainly never expect someone to do professional level work & not pay them or at least cover their travel costs to come to MY office & do MY work for MY benefit.

This ad, which I was going to respond to but didn't, infuriated me even more:

Lawyer Looking for Trial Experience? Non-pay opportunity to
learn (Financial District)

Downtown personal injury law firm offers unique opportunity for an attorney wanting to learn trial skills/practice first hand by watching, assisting, and sitting at counsel table during major upcoming trials. Trial counsel has over 25 years of experience and has been featured on tv and newsprint handling several high profile cases.

We are seeking two lawyers. One lawyer for a few upcoming NY trials. One lawyer to fill a position for a NJ auto trial. The NJ lawyer must be admitted in NJ and must have a full understanding of NJ auto law and practice and related rules of evidence. You will be able to second chair the trial.

This is a non-pay position. The applicant must be eager to learn, hard working, and willing to assist during the trial in conducting research, writing last minute briefs on issues that pop up, help deal with clients/witnesses, and everything else that happens during a trial. You will have the opportunity to learn from and watch seasoned trial lawyers first hand and act as their trial legal assistants.

If you have always wanted to do a trial but never had the opportunity---this is your chance!

You must be able to come to court from the very beginning of the trial until the verdict. You will be actively working and helping during the trial. We also want you to help in the final preparations of the case to be well versed in every aspect of it.

This position starts immediately. We would like to have the applicant by the end of next week on or about Jan 27.

Please send cover letter, resume, and writing sample.

Following the trials, based on needs, this could lead to a p/t or f/t position.

Thank you.

Compensation: non pay
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Posting ID: 3556197648

We did this in law school. It was called an internship. During those internships, we worked on the legal matters around our class schedules. We did not have to slave day & night on a case in the law school clinic unless it was the summer & then, we got work study rates i.e. we were PAID for our time in either school credit or hard earned money.

I was not asked to do that when my clinic was doing a trial the summer I worked there (I was on the work study rate of $10 an hour; yes, this was the work study hourly rate for law students when I was in school). Nor was I required to have a law license ahead of time.

For those who aren't lawyers, let me tell you something about trials. Trials are like working as the lead actor on a major TV show or film. Your entire life is consumed by the trial. You have to work very long hours, you generally can't deal with anything else and it is a huge investment of time and energy. If you're doing a trial, you don't have a social life & you'll be lucky if you get 8 hours of sleep a night. In the big firms, associates working on trials don't get that luxury.

You have client meetings, depositions, research to conduct, etc. This is all part of trial prep. Oh, and you'll probably have to take work home since everything changes in a second & there's lots of rushing around involved.

Seeing this prick expecting people to give up their entire lives & offer zero in exchange is outright sick. Do you see a word about travel reimbursement? Meal reimbursement or paying for meals when late hours are required? This is a perfect example of slavery & it should not stand. This person should be reported & if I knew who it was, I would have to in good conscience.

Oh, and do you know how long trials last? They can run from a few days to a few months. Some even go into years. How do you know this person isn't trying to get freebies for a trial that will last half the year? You don't.

Those associates make over $100K a year to do that shit. If you're lucky, you're working 40 hours a week; those are considered part time hours to trial attorneys.

This goes back to that whole "don't be an asshole" rule. Even paying people the work study rate is better than expecting them to pay to work for you & give up their hunt for paying work.

Newsflash: not paying for someone's Metrocard is making someone pay to work for you if they can't work from their own house & you are making them come into your office.

And another demand for a freebie disguised as an internship, this time for a cartoonist:

cartoonist intern wanted (Yonkers)

Talented & experienced cartoonist wanted. You will have the opportunity to work in a fast paced media company. Please include a resume' & samples of your work
Location: Yonkers
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

Posting ID: 3546593202

My response?

Go fuck yourself!! Not only have you violated labor laws with this ad, you're also an arrogant prick with an entitlement complex. Tell me something: do YOU work for free????

You don't? Then don't tell some "talented & experienced" cartoonist to be your God damned INTERN!!! How about YOU be an "unpaid intern" & pay someone to work with you??? I don't even see an offer of travel reimbursement here.

Hope you get sued & fined by EEOC. You get what you pay for.

Before that, I had never seen an ad asking animators to work for free without some company ownership involved. I thought being a cartoonist was somewhat respected, at least compared to actors or models or photographers. Apparently there are morons who will try exploiting them as well. I hope more of them chewed these assholes out since no legitimate company does this.

This ad made me feel better, though. It seems people in fashion are some of the biggest offenders for illegal internships & whiny demands for freebies:

RE: Fashion Director for Fashion Show

Date: 2013-01-12, 7:25PM EST

An Age Requirement for a Fashion Director - isn't that illegal in the United States - age, race, gender etc. So a Fashion Director or Stylist who is 35 years old will be discriminated against and is not eligible for the job?
Well at least you have the decency to post monetary compensation and not ask someone to work for free and be discriminated against.

Looking for Fashion Director for Fashion Show Charity Benefit (East Harlem)
Date: 2013-01-11, 9:46PM EST

Creative direction
* Director for 7 make-up artist, 5 hairstylist
* Directing 6 designers, and 3 wardrobe stylist
* Come up make-up concept
* Hair style for run-way and hair style for photo shoot during the fashion show
* Must be 21-27 years old
* No experience necessary
* Must have computer

**We will provide with your team
- You need to manage your team
- Have to have leadership

** We at Glamour Unlimited expect you to have 4 things:
- Vision
- Great attitude
- able to communicate with everyone
- be able to deal with all diversity

**You must have a marketable look for this position

If you feel you have what it takes, please email:

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $325


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: Discrimination plus fee


I'm glad to see someone else schooling ignorant, pathetic people who don't even have the sense to get legal counsel or hide their ageism like everyone else. Oh, and we all know Fashion Directors & Stylists must be as glamorous as the models they are dressing or it's a detriment to the marketability of the company. Except it's not shit to do with it & someone needs to be beaten upside the head with an inflamed object.

Since I have met people that prejudiced & stupid, I'm pretty certain these ads I see aren't joke ads though one has to wonder. If you're posting it in the jobs section, which costs money in NYC, then you've just shown you're a spendthrift with no concept of the value of money. I can be humorous without spending money.

In fact, I send anonymous resumes for some jobs I see where employers posting the ads gave zero information. One person from a law firm said it was funny & got why I didn't want every Tom, Dick and Harry having my personal info though the job had already been filled.

Maybe I should look into this. Apparently, someone else thought my response to a so-called "joke" posting on LinkedIn was funny. Yes, I said "LinkedIn." You know, the site for professional networking & for professionals to interact?

I chewed someone out for trying to get legal services for free & subvert lawyers in favor of agents. I directly asked the poster how he'd like it if I asked him to do his actor coaching services for free with nothing for him in exchange. This guy then responds saying all lawyers who aren't Jewish are scumbags. I ream him out privately for bashing me as a non-Jew when he didn't know who the hell I was & informed him that there are plenty of people who own companies in Hollywood and elsewhere in the entertainment field who would consider him a bigot.

Now I know some perfectly nice Jewish people & some Jewish lawyers who are also good folk. In fact, I have a generally better attitude toward Jews (at least in America) since they aren't being obnoxious assholes to the general public & trying to impose their ways onto everyone else like the Christians are (the fundies & lunatic fringe, anyway; too few non-lunatic Christians stand up to these jerks & smack them down for their massive hypocrisy).

That, however, doesn't give anyone a pass to defame me or anyone who doesn't fit that category. He responds that "It was a joke" & I made his office laugh.

Okay...so was it actually a joke that you decided to post on a LinkedIn group (you know, that space for professionals to have professional conversations instead of just goofing around) or did someone have to cover b/c an angry redheaded lawyer wasn't taking shit & you didn't want her to share your refusal to listen to non-Jews with everyone she knew, including producers, production company owners, attorneys, etc.? Who knows?

I wonder if you can start a career being a humorist by calling out the BS as you sees it & reminding folk that you can't demand resumes when you aren't even telling us what business you are in? I just don't take shit & as I've said a hundred times, people should play to their strengths instead of trying to be something they aren't.

My husband also claims I'm too blunt in writing cover letters. I suggested he write his own if he didn't like my style. I don't write wimpy letters oozing in desperation or engage in dog & pony shows. I give information I'd want if I were the employer. I also ask questions if someone can't bother answering them in their ad.

If they don't answer, that tells me they are not worth my time or consideration. If they ask me to send materials & then reject what I send, I really want to smack them. Latham & Watkins did that recently when I asked about a job for spouse. The HR person who'd told me his experience would be fine for a job opening they have posted multiple times over months writes back the next day to tell me it wouldn't be. I thought of writing her back & saying "Thanks for wasting my time. I know whose law firm will never be retained by anyone I know if a legal issue arises."

Seriously, business owners: what you do reflects on your reputation. If I think you're lazy, inefficient, a time waster, a jerk, a hypocrite, etc. I'm not going to bother with you. I'm going to look at any employee of yours with that mindset & presume they are also lazy, inefficient, a time waster, whatever. That is also why I try talking directly to the person in charge instead of HR. It is rare I find an HR person who can answer questions about applicants who are out of the box & hasn't wasted my time. Those people out to form an uprising & get the deadbeats out of their profession. Yeah, I'm all about uprisings.

Finally, quit trying to disguise freebie requests as "internships." We should punish that with arrest & imprisonment in a really nasty prison. Who's with me?

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

My First Interview

So if you go here to the blog of the lovely & talented Cognac Wellerlane of Cognac's Corner Magazine, you can see me being interviewed. I appear at 8:17 or so.

You may want to watch Lindsay Lowe's interview before that though, since she's just totally awesome. She's told me she's scared of me even though you have to earn my angry redheaded lawyer wrath & she hasn't.

Plus, she never gave me the impression I had to censor myself around her & those people can be very hard to find. In the legal field, finding someone like that is like looking for a vampire unicorn: not just rare, but super rare.

Oh, and since I did speak about One Way though it was mostly an interview on me I want to acknowledge the rest of our team: Cassandra Riddick (our wonderful COO who is so much better with the financial stuff than any of us [me, at least] & is always on top of things; if I ask her about something, she's already gotten everything done for it), Brian Ackely (our Head of Development; if you've managed to earn his wrath for a lifetime, you're probably more detestable than a child molester, serial killer & Congress combined--he's a good counterbalance to people like Princeton & myself) & J. Lynn Menzel (the lady responsible for the gorgeous artwork you see for any of our projects; she's also the one who got us the cool One Way shirts for NY Comic Con; I know if you saw them, you'd want one also).

These are the sort of people you need on a team if you want to be a success (especially an entertainment company). You need creative minds, people who are dedicated & determined to make things go well and people who aren't afraid to tell you to lighten up when necessary. If everyone's in a hive mentality, you're doomed. You also can't have everyone be an enforcer & no one being willing to give people another chance at bat if they make a minor mistake the first time. Too much of anything is bad; moderation makes things better.

There are also our great actors & actresses like Jace Nicole. You may know I went to a day of shooting for The Butterfly Chasers & wrote in this blog about my experience as an extra. Seriously, good people both in front of & behind the camera. I see good things for this film & our family members.

I'm always embarrassed as hell to see myself on camera. I'm convinced I look bad. Same with pictures. I never think I look good & the best you'll get from me is that I don't look horrible.

I'm getting a little more out of that mindset but I don't lie about being very self-conscious. I never watch performances of myself since I'll nitpick over every little thing I do. That's usually when my husband or others tell me to shut up & stop putting myself down. My husband will outright threaten to hurt me or do something I won't like if I don't stop saying bad things about myself. I'm always convinced I'm horrible. Like now, I'll tell you Lindsay's much better at this interviewing stuff than I am & didn't muck up the website addresses she had like I did at the end.

More details on the Macabre Film Festival when I have more time (and I've got pictures of stuff I bought!). Still dealing with hubby's job hunt (and now he has the flu; isn't THAT lovely?) & it seems I'll have to go grocery shopping tomorrow to make sure we have essentials. Let's just hope I don't have to deal with the crazy "it's gonna snow" hoarders taking everything. I have to take crazy precautions (including wearing a surgical mask + making Sick Boy sleep elsewhere) & hope I don't get it since I've not had the flu since middle school.

Me with the flu = high fever (we're talking 102 at least for me to really feel like crap), throwing up (which I hate & is probably a huge reason I don't drink), falling asleep & waking up a billion times in a day and total misery for anyone who has to be around me (at least if I'm conscious).

A friend of mine told me to load up on calcium if you want to avoid getting sick. It might work since the last time my husband was sick, it was either food poisoning or something contagious (the doctor wasn't sure). At the time, I was taking these Vitamin D pills that also had calcium in them. I never got sick. He may be on to something. Hopefully, those hoarders won't have taken all the Tru-Moo Chocolate Milk since that's what I plan to look for.

Monday, January 21, 2013

How to Fix Unions...Did I Mention How Much I Hate Laziness?

Real life has been getting in the way lately. For one thing, my husband got the week off work so he could hang out with me on my recent birthday. Yeah, yeah. Happy birthday to me & all that good stuff.

I also have a TON (and I'm not kidding about this) of birthday gift certificates and promotions to use up before the end of this month that I'm still trying to go through. We'll see how that plays out.

One thing that absolutely has killed me is that you can't be an actual boss if your employees are unionized. Nope, you are apparently given zero right to change anything & when the lazy leeches who have done nothing for God only knows how long start a petition against you for daring to make them earn their paychecks, the supervisor is apparently punished.

This scenario is playing out for a unionized employee I know of right now.

The types of changes we are talking about are having a written schedule, making people accountable for things and incorporating things like e-mail into the workplace. God fucking forbid! I mean, how many people use e-mail on a daily basis at work?

We were using e-mail at my law firm job in 2003! I was using e-mail in my college dorm room before 2000.

E-mail is an inevitable part of life. Now deal with it, damn it!!

If you aren't tech savvy, hire an assistant who is. Pay a fair market rate.

If you don't & then bitch and moan about using technology that well over 75% of the national population is using (as well as significant segments of the global population), then be prepared to be fired, labeled an old foggy who is out of touch with modern times and denigrated by all the young people.

Also, prepare to have all the young people hate your guts for sucking away wages they could be earning & for having to constantly teach you "how to MySpace" since you refuse to listen and write it down so they don't have to do it a trillion times, over & over again. You're probably also going to make them hate you for doing YOUR work & not getting paid for it. I wouldn't do it & I sure would have my hand out for extra money.

If you somehow miss the chopping block today, then prepare to be the first one laid off when hard times hit.

I also find it incredibly sad that these employees have to be at least middle aged & think they get paid to sit on their asses and hang out like the workplace is their house and their bosses are Mommy and Daddy there just to placate and amuse them. Apparently, I had more work ethic when I was 15 years old and fighting to get my first job at JcPenney as well as working my ass off at that job to prove I was no irresponsible teenager than these old fart union slugs who are doing nothing but wasting people's money.

I wonder what the people paying these people's salaries would think of this. I know if it were me, I'd be pissed off. I would refuse to pay a dime to the employer until the lazy union slugs were out the door & kicked square in the ass for their laziness.

If you tried this shit in my business, you would have your ass kicked out the door in a heartbeat. We wouldn't even have to think about it. I have fired people before & when someone's being a fucking lazy asshole, I have no qualms about telling that prick about the hundreds, thousands or millions of people in the location who would do twice the work for half the wages that lazy asshole is earning & for doing what, exactly? Sitting on one's ass? Goofing off? Watching TV?

Gee, I had to EARN my law license. I had to take the bar exam, go through a character & fitness review, continue to do CLE training & pay a decent amount of money for licensing fees. If I don't do my job or I make some colossal mistake that would qualify as a violation of Lawyer 101, I have a grievance filed against me & could get called before the ethics committee. I don't even get to violate the legal ethics rules in my off time; forget about my moonlighting as a dominatrix. Try that & you'll get fired or disciplined. A colleague told me & some other lawyers about that happening to a female co-worker of his who was no longer working there. Oh, and this was a government job!

Yes, I believe in earning your paycheck vs. sucking money away for doing zip or being an incompetent, lazy buffoon!!! I can't blame private employers if they are hesitant to consider my husband for jobs in the mistaken belief that he's a union slug b/c of all his experience in a union job. If you're reading this now, let me tell you he's not.

In fact, he fucking hates the union at his job since most of the staff he has to deal with would have been kicked out long ago if there were no such thing as a union to protect their lazy, incompetent behinds. If you're a regular reader of this blog, you may already know what I'm referring to. I'm speaking of people who do not perform basic customer service functions, flat out don't do their jobs, harass customers, use racial slurs, etc. Not to mention the layoff lists.

Want to fix things? Here's my proposal:

1. Make performance count far more than seniority. If you can't pass a basic performance review but have been working there for eons & eons, you should not get to be retained over the hardest & best worker there who has been there less time than you. I know your boss agrees with me.

2. Make it far easier to fire someone for insubordination, sexual harassment and anything that would make a reasonable person angry: Why should a sexual predator, a racist, a thief, a disrespectful prick who thinks he's above the rules or any other type of person you'd not want serving in the military get to keep getting paid to do this shit?

3. Make it illegal for any union to restrict the paying work for its members: If you aren't offering paying union work, you don't get to tell a member of your union not to take a non-union job that will pay their rent, food, gas & other bills.

If you think you can, I suggest you offer that person a place to stay, food to eat, etc. Otherwise, shut your trap until you are paying for that person's survival. Get bent, suck an egg, whatever phrase best suits you & your condition. The people most likely setting up those rules are union leaders making far too damn much in salary.

4. Finally, if your union has been found guilty of embezzlement or some other form of corruption then the individuals involved are forbidden from setting up another union ever again in this country. If you do, it won't be recognized. Bring some standards back to leadership!

Plus, trusting people who stole before is a lesson in stupidity barring some serious oversight from an outside source & mandatory disclosure of public records along with having to justify your existence on a yearly basis. We have the Internet; it's time to use it to vet the garbage.

Without this, you can pretty much call me anti-union & that's not solely because I own a business. I'm anti-union based on my husband's experience & how pathetic his faux union is. Overpaid, fat, bloated ticks is how I see that leadership but it's like which group of overpaid, fat, bloated ticks is worse: the people running the union or the people running the library? Or I should say "the people running the library into the ground."

I can understand the groups that are against unions. However, that's not to say there should be zero standards at all. There are plenty of dumbasses running businesses just based on Craig's List ads alone. I saw one recently that must be shared to be believed & was from an attorney of all people.

No laws means everyone posts up ads for illegal internships for things like legal services, performing brain surgery and who knows what else. Maybe someone would even post an ad asking for an intern escort or exotic dancer. I would hope people working in those fields would say "Hell no!" and have that person killed. I think that would be the one time people rooted for the pimps.

Next thing you know, there'll be ads for "Intern Strippers!" I saw one for "Intern Administrative Assistant" recently & had to respond.

For those asking "What about the union members' families?," guess what? Maybe that union member should have thought about that before screwing up at work!

It's not the employer's job to worry about feeding the employee's kids or catering to an employee's refusal to do the job (s)he was hired to do. As the saying goes, "You breed 'em, you feed 'em." Plus, a little time having to earn your way in life might teach you some appreciation for having a job & rid you of this entitlement complex, oh lazy asshole. I agree with the Protestant work ethic attitude of "If you don't work, you don't eat."

Call me heartless all you want. Hard workers & ambitious types don't want to carry your lazy ass. We'd rather you just froze in the cold & give our aid to people who aren't able to do the things you could but just refuse to. You want loyalty & respect? You have to earn it, bucko! If you have & the employer is being a dick, then the employer should be punished & deserves to have bad employees.

If you aren't suffering from a legitimate health condition (physically or mentally), you are precisely who I'm talking to. If you're unhappy in a job, you have zero right to take it out on customers & the general public. You need to just get the heck out & let someone else who'd actually give a damn have a shot.

For those hoping to solve this problem by having an employee owned business, let me tell you something: it's not easy to be a business owner. If you think it is, you're an idiot & had better be schooling yourself on how to do it. Otherwise, shut up & get out of the way of people who know what they're doing. Inevitably, people like me will be cleaning up your messes.

Oh, and if you dare to sue on some ground like discrimination when you were fucking up expect your work history to come into evidence.

Being a member of any minority group is not a Get Out of Work Free card!!! You also do a disservice to everyone else in your group & make it that much harder for them to get respect from the work force as well as society as a whole.

Oh, and I'm sure your ancestors would be pissed at you undermining their struggles & experience with your bullshit. They'd probably be thrilled to get the job you're pissing away with your laziness.

I know I don't need married women making it harder on me by leaving in 3 seconds to go have babies. I know working mothers don't need other mothers neglecting their jobs for their kids. That stuff just makes it even harder for married women & parents to get any respect in the workplace or even get considered for jobs. If I wanted to be sabotaged, I could find that on my own without lazy assholes of my gender causing trouble!

Same goes for any other group. I'm sure you hard working members of various racial & ethnic groups also appreciate the jerks making it harder on you to get ahead, fueling further entrenchment of negative stereotypes against you.

See, these lazy union members should thank their lucky stars not to have met me since I would call them out. I wonder how some of these lazy idiots who have zero work ethic would react if I told them they have less work ethic than I did at the age of 15.

I would also be making sure the people paying their salaries knew all about this & were outraged. In fact, I'm outraged that some of these people who work with my husband are still employed since that would never, ever fly in my company. I would also tell them that if they worked for me & did XYZ crap they did, I would toss them out in a heartbeat with no regard for their starving family. Perhaps I could go all Joe Pesci on them but maybe I'm scary enough without that.

"Don't fuck with me" is the lesson. A good business owner has to command that as well.

If you don't, you are very likely going to end up on television as a business owner who is royally screwing up (in the vein of Bar Rescue, Restaurant: Impossible, et al.). I can respect Donald Trump for not taking shit in his business along with his willingness to be roasted for Comedy Central. You think he'd put up with the crap union jobs seem to allow in employees?

I don't & think it's time for serious changes. I don't care what a bunch of old, lazy dinosaurs think about not getting to be paid to slack off or scratch their private parts on the clock. Get off your ass & do your damn job or get the hell out of the way so the better people who actually value a job & take some personal pride in doing a good one can take over! Protect your neck (as the Wu Tang Clan would say) & all that, business owners!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

2013: The Year of Fixing Things & Solving Eons Long Conflicts

This is the theme of our year. At least, my husband declared this proclamation. Maybe you should as well. We did survive that whole "end of the world" thing in December, after all.

My husband was talking about resolving issues that have been there at least since we moved here over 5 years ago or that's just been an irritant we haven't dealt with yet. After 12 days in this new year, we're not doing half bad. Here goes:

1. Our gym location finally opened & my husband has worked out at the gym a few times. I still haven't been yet but I plan to when it's a nice day and I don't have other things to do in the same day. I have to look into classes but definitely not Zumba (apparently, skinny people shouldn't take it since it will cause you to lose weight & that's the last thing I need to do). My husband in particular was looking forward to having this gym around since he is trying to lose more weight & they have locations in our area. He figured that if we go to Long Island and his family gets on our nerves, we could just hit the gym if we felt so inclined. The monthly rate was also right. Retro Fitness, in case you were wondering. I hear this location is new & clean so why wouldn't we have signed up when we did? Most places in my area tend to be a huge disappointment.

2. I finally got alterations on some of my business suits & fixed my blue sparkly evening gown. Spent some money but found Apthorp Cleaners to be miracle workers. Their tailor was able to make my dark green suit actually fit me & something I could wear. I had never actually worn the thing since it was too big when I got it as a birthday gift years ago & after moving here, it became too damn big. We saw it on sale & it was a 6 Petite but my husband offered to pay for the cost of alterations; I finally got to collect on that one.

I also bought a new business suit with a cheetah print jacket that looks more in keeping with who I am as an anti-lawyer. I got it in a 2 but it still felt like I was trying on clothes from Mommy's closet instead of being able to own the jacket so I decided a little alteration to accent my figure was in order.

The tailor actually complimented my dark green suit so that made me feel better about the purchase years ago. Now, instead of just 1 suit that makes me feel bad ass, I have 3 that I can say this about.

Alterations do NOT come cheap. It was $55 just to do my light alterations on the size 2 jacket. Truthfully, I do feel like business suit makers are punishing skinny people for being skinny (especially me since anything in a color & style I like never tends to be in my size). One reason I really don't like business suits is that when I wear one, I feel like I'm playing dress up as a grown up instead of actually being able to own it as a part of me.

That "nothing I like is in my size" problem is worse in stores near me, where the management doesn't seem to believe that women my size & smaller actually wear clothes. They must think we just walk around naked, spend thousands on our wardrobes or have our own tailors.

I always figured that if I were going to work in a job where I had to wear a business suit often, I'd have to have my own tailor since nothing off the rack ever fits me. Maybe Uniqlo could come out with more business suits in various colors and styles? Just an idea, guys. I'd at least consider it. My ~$100 suit that came from there looked kick ass on me without my having to get it fixed so I didn't look like a shapeless, frumpy blob pretending to be middle aged. Royal blue would be nice. Something in a brown would also look great with my hair.

Oh, and my blue evening gown looks awesome! It had a ton of holes & rips in it but they fixed it right up and I could barely tell when I got it back. You couldn't really tell there were holes unless you were looking at the bottom of my legs but I have a standard with my clothing. I couldn't fit it so I figured it was best to leave it to professionals & pay for quality (hence spending the high price). I did get quality there, after all.

3. We found some local karaoke places that don't have food/drink minimums or other asinine policies like charging for songs. If you live in NYC & seek places, look at Queens or Brooklyn. We managed to find one place that has karaoke every week a mere 15 minutes from home.

Last night was insane there. The week before, we arrived 30 minutes after it started & it was dead. They also have the oddest venue for karaoke that I've ever seen. It's more like a stage performance & seating is at a premium...but the people doing the karaoke have an awesome song book. We saw songs in there that we have literally not seen elsewhere.

Since they also do karaoke at another place our neighbors told us about, my husband found out about this weekly place. Much easier for us to get to than another one we know of that's right off a bus line & where if you want to leave, you'll be waiting over an hour for the next bus in the wee hours (so much for making a night of it).

We come in this week and discover that first off, there are more people. The week before, I sang my first song & afterward I noticed more people in the room. I kind of wondered if I had drawn people in there (entirely possible & believable if you've heard me sing).

There were about 3 guys who sang Prince or other high range songs. Unlike the disastrous rendition of "Purple Rain" I was subjected to in NC, these guys actually sounded good and hit the notes. They weren't Prince sound-a-likes but I was pleasantly surprised. I'll be more impressed if they can sing Fine Young Cannibals and hit the notes, though; then I can see if my friend's theory about men who can sing those songs & hit the proper notes is accurate. But that third guy? Whoo, boy!

Before he sang, this man (who will be known as "Crazy Drunk Guy") was dancing to every single song people sang. Whether it was slow, fast, grunge, depressing as hell, whatever he was getting down with his bad self! At one point, another guy joins him in dancing & attempts break dancing moves during a song.

I commented to my fellow goers (my husband & one of our neighbors) that if this guy was your co-worker or your boss, it would have been your opportunity to videotape him & save the footage for blackmail purposes. When it's Crazy Drunk Guy's turn to sing, he sings "Let's Go Crazy" & really gets into it. He's running around all over the room, leaving the stage & going up to people while singing. He's gyrating and dancing like mad. Yeah, if he was your boss and you'd captured the moment you'd be able to call in some serious favors if you worked in finance, law or some other industry known for conservative behavior among the higher ups.

It wouldn't work in the creative industry since we're all crazy & nothing should shock a higher up in a creative company save for public nudity. Even then, it might not be a great shocker if the stripper was an actor or you worked in adult film. It just might not behoove an adult actor financially to strip publicly without being paid for the public appearance.

My neighbor did record some of this performance. It should have been on You Tube it was that great.

Later on, the crowd was drunk & dancing for everyone's songs. My husband sang "Just a Friend" and people sang along. I sang an En Vogue song that wasn't off the Funky Divas album (which has their most known hits) & did get people dancing to it! Crazy Drunk Guy later came up to me & complimented my song selection.

What else was weird? A guy & a girl (with the guy singing) decide to perform "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid. People even danced to that. Yes, I'm totally partial to Ariel since she's a redhead like I am! So is my sister.

When I can do a great Halloween costume or some other costume for a party, I'm going to see about doing that one & as realistically as I can with considerations to weather and being able to move.

Remember: if your boss does something unprofessional or insane, make sure to record it someplace for posterity & to call in favors. If it's bad enough, it could get millions of hits on You Tube (especially if we're talking the CEO or an executive of a major company). I have no sympathy for this situation since I don't get drunk or do stuff like that in public. I may ream you out but I'm not going to show you my boobies or do a strip show. Me playing the role of prostitute as part of a City Bar show (where I'm also singing in that act) does not qualify as something you can blackmail me with.

Plus, I don't care since I feel like they've opened a door for me artistically in letting me do that. I mean, what could you possibly object to me doing if I've been allowed to play a prostitute on the City Bar stage, complete with hot pants?

4. I don't need any more clothes. Now, I've been getting them for a while but I've literally run out of space for them. When I look for clothes now, instead of asking myself if what I'm looking at will go with something I already own it's time I asked myself "Do I have the room for this?" and "Do I really need to have this?" Very few things actually fit this category at present.

Yes, I've become even more difficult to buy and shop for. Does this happen as you get more money to buy stuff or if you're a pack rat who doesn't throw things out unless they are literally unwearable? God, I'm seriously heading to miser land & it's beginning to look like I could be able to actually have steady income before 2014. I've got to figure out a useful way to do that & investment is something on the list to be tackled.

Consumerism also feels empty to me. It was never a huge thing for me, having come from a home where we couldn't afford most things, but it's really empty feeling when you can afford things & find you really don't need them. Maybe I'll eventually become a humanitarian if I can find a way to do it without having my cynicism reinforced with corruption & the lack of money getting to where it's supposed to.

5. My total lack of patience & tolerance for BS in the job hunting process is all fine and good. I also find I have to help my spouse job hunt. Call it a mixture of getting what you wished for & finding out you didn't want it + the total crapiness of the union structure.

The writing has been on the wall for ages but now that writing seems to be ablaze after the pen was doused in the most flammable gasoline on Earth before it was written on the wall. I'm now convinced my eldest nephew should be running that HR department (he's 9 years old) or maybe my 2 year old nephew & my mini-me niece (who is not quite 6 months old) should run it. Even not being that verbal, the 2 year old would be better at picking staff than those people seem to be.

Sad commentary on our world, don't you think? I also have been fighting against fake job postings & other BS. I think "phantom job postings" should be outlawed, especially in civil services and government jobs. They just make people bitter, especially fake interviews. If I had a fake interview & you told me later it was fake, you've burned any bridge you could have had with me.

Actually you probably doused it in gasoline & lit a match after you spread the blood and dead bodies of 100 adorable children I give a damn about or who did absolutely nothing to me to warrant their slaughter. I personally have always asked about them for myself or anyone I helped since I refuse to waste my time & feel that if someone's being slammed with resumes, they don't need mine or one sent by me for someone else if they have no true need & they won't even take it seriously. I wouldn't let my company post a fake ad just to get a bunch of resumes they were never going to consider.

Changing needs from when you posted an ad or interviewed someone is a different story but never having a shot in the first place? That's total crap!

I've also learned that what I'm doing is pretty damn good. I just hope it will lead to good things sooner rather than later. I've been at this game for over 5 years now & some days you wonder when your ship is coming in. At least I feel more positive about it than I have at times. I also feel some reassurance that I will die happier than a lot of people since I am doing what I want to do & have some great supporters of me/my vision/my general personality/my company out there.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Smoking...Should We Seek to Make it Obsolete?

Just saw that a connection of mine on LinkedIn took some unpopular view on smoking of how he wouldn't like to see it become obsolete. I realized I do have a real opinion on that subject based on some real life experiences.

Recently, my husband and I were watching this DVD of commercials that Mill Creek put out. If you haven't seen it, you should. There are some gems in there including a ton of old ads for smoking (which I think were banned on TV by the time I was old enough to remember anything on TV).

It seems you couldn't walk to your bathroom without tripping over a smoker in the '50s and '60s (perhaps even some of the '70s & early '80s). These ads touted being able to taste the tobacco and how great that smoke feels in your throat. Yeah, seriously.

You have to see them. Pretty much everyone you can think of who was a big star in those days was taking money from the cigarette companies. The Camel ads on that disc were filled with celebrity endorsements & even sports figures were doing cigarette ads. I'd hoped to see something on Joe Camel but no such luck. These ads are great for making fun of if you live with anyone who should have been a commentator on MST3K (in my case, my husband).

My father was & still is a chain smoker. He told us point blank not to take up smoking. Since he was & still is an alcoholic, smoking was never something we viewed as glamorous or the hip thing to do. We saw it as smelly, something that made you cough a lot & generally took away your physical fitness. If I don't get lung cancer someday from all the secondhand smoke I was exposed to as a child growing up in a house where my father would never smoke outside & barely cracked a window when smoking in the car, I'll be shocked. He probably blew tons of smoke in our faces when were babies considering I did once seen him smoking while holding my oldest nephew when I came to visit.

God help you if you try to quit! That's also expensive & I hear the gum doesn't taste good.

So, generally I don't think smoking is a great idea. The only cigarette smell I could stand was the smell of clove cigarettes (the favorite of geeks & goth kids everywhere before the FDA recently made them illegal; I wonder what they've switched to). I certainly wouldn't take it up now where cigarettes cost a small fortune; I've told people that if I were going to take up smoking, I'd have done it in NC where cigarettes are much cheaper.

At the same time, I still think people have the right to do what they want with their own bodies. Let's assume we're talking about adults, not kids. If kids are smoking, maybe we should be looking at the example they're getting at home & how their parents are raising them. "Do as I say & not as I do" is the most ineffective parenting method or tactic of persuasion out there yet many parents still use it. No good lawyer would trot it out.

I also agree with my mother, who said that she'd rather see a driver with a cigarette in his hand instead of a bottle of alcohol. I don't recall cigarettes causing anyone to suffer from impaired driving like weaving into other lanes or causing deadly accidents. You don't hear about people crashing into trees who only had nicotine from cigarettes in their system.

Nor do I think filmmakers or producers of television shows should be harassed because they had a character smoke in the project. People do still smoke in this country in spite of the taxes; let's be realistic & examine the context in which smoking is presented. Most shows and films aren't showing smoking to say "You're not cool if you aren't doing it." The use of them today generally feels more incidental to me.

A character having a cigarette is not the same as those old TV ads where people spoke right to the camera & said "Get XYZ cigarettes for a refreshing taste." Honestly, I thought using e-cigarettes in projects would be a good idea if they didn't cause addiction or expose anyone to nicotine. That way, you could have non-smokers portray cigarette smokers without making them become addicts.

From the ads I saw, everyone had to take puffs from lighted cigarettes so it seems if you wanted to do cigarette commercials in those days, you'd have to become a smoker in real life even if you weren't one originally or didn't want to smoke in your private life. Who knows? They may have even paid more than other types of ads & it may have caused struggling actors to be forced to take those ads or become homeless. I wasn't there but I could see that state of affairs existing or those ads being dominant in the commercial acting marketplace.

I don't really have an issue with smoking bans since private owners should get to do what they want when it comes to smells on their property. Honestly, I don't mind the public bans on beaches & all but I can see the smokers' point. I also think trying to make smoking obsolete is like trying to make people stop doing drugs: it's just not going to happen. There will always be someone who wants to do them.

My basic stance is that you can & should educate people but if someone is that hell bent on doing something, it's not my place to tell them not to do it. I'm not their mother. If you can behave rationally while under the influence & keep illegal substances away from me or my set, I don't care what you do in your off time. When you aren't harming others (like letting your kids get into needles or driving down the street drunk) & are only harming yourself in your own home (owned by you), that's your choice. Who am I or anyone else to say you can't do that? If I don't want to deal with someone, I won't. I believe it's only your business if you are living with someone, they are abusing their children or you are a legitimate friend coming to someone out of concern for their safety.

As someone who lived with it, though, I just think smoking is not on the order of meth or alcohol when it comes to dangerous drugs. Smoking might be an annoyance problem but I don't think it should be treated like a controlled substance or even like alcohol. Believe it or not, I also think the drinking age should be 18 & alcohol should stop being glamorized or treated as completely verboten (since that encourages binge drinking later on). I happen to be an advocate for moderation in most things, including smoking and drinking alcohol.