Public Statement on My Withdrawal From One Way or Another Productions LLC

Today, I bid One Way or Another Productions LLC adieu.

For the past 9 years, I've learned a great many things from my colleagues and gotten an incredible opportunity to build a career in the entertainment industry as an executive and entertainment attorney that has gone further than I ever expected when I first came to New York City in 2007. It has been a constant among divorce, death, new opportunities and the various life changes we all (hopefully) experience in nearly a decade.

However, much like when a bird matures and eventually has to leave the nest, it is now time for me to leave the nest and fly on my own. This comes after I have been reduced to the role of figurehead, informed that the CEO does not “trust” me and after the CEO unilaterally removed/disabled the company's website, blog, email accounts, social media pages and altered an IMDB page for a project the majority of us had put blood, sweat and tears into over the course of many years.

Under attorney ethics rules and due to this unwarranted lack of trust, there is no longer a place for me in One Way or Another Productions LLC. I will not work as a mere figurehead and no one will play attorney under my name. I am disappointed and saddened that Thanksgiving with my family 1,000 miles away was deemed less important than an unpaid business conversation that could have awaited my return to New York City and never took place subsequent to Thanksgiving. I am angered that I have been cut out of legal matters concerning “my” company and that the CEO decided to improperly play attorney instead of properly delegating legal matters to me, particularly where my involvement would have saved all concerned significant time, money, stress and other expenses.

Where there is no trust, you have nothing. As there is nothing, it is now time for me to take the skills and lessons I have learned during my tenure and fly freely. I hope my colleagues will take a lesson, treat future attorneys with more respect and find happiness personally as well as professionally.

Creativity & Messages From the Universe

Nearly a week ago, I had maybe the most personal experience I have ever had with an employment recruiter. I called to follow up on a job ad I saw on Monday and talked to this guy directly, who asked me to send all my resumes (yep, all 4 of them) to see if he might be able to help me in a job hunt.

On Wednesday, I ended up having some things to do and decided while I was going to get my headshots printed (I had to get them in before 12 to pick them up after 5, when therapy would be over & then go uptown for a rehearsal for the next City Bar show) I would see about meeting this recruiter since he'd wanted to meet with me, I could kill some time instead of wasting travel money and I could avoid another trip into the city if he was free. It turns out he was so I made that happen. Unfortunately, I have to get my headshots this week since my resume in a Word format was 2 pages while the version I had at home was 1 page. My problem with an entertainment resume is that I have a lot of special skills & distinct information that should be mentioned which when adding up training and roles, puts me at 2 pages unless I make small margins and lessen the type font.

Somehow, I never have the problem of a resume being too small; mine are always too large with very little information I can feasibly cut. I still have to get my writing resume onto 1 page and have no clue what to omit to make that happen.

Anyhow, I had this meeting with the recruiter. He tells me that I'm far more creative & innovative than him. This very thing, however, is apparently a huge problem in any job I'd want to do and as I suspected, the very thing I'd be suited for is something no employer would actually let me do (since I'm not a 5 year old, actually know what I'm talking about when I speak & violate rules on legal "pedigree" and traditional paths). The conversation ended up getting a bit personal, maybe too personal since at one point I felt the urge to burst into tears. It depressed me since it made me feel that there is no way in Hell I can work for anyone other than myself, no employer could ever appreciate me & the demand that I go find a steady paying job is never going to be fulfilled.

However, the good thing about this recruiter is that he said he got it & something in my voice told him he should meet with me. He also told me he had no clue how to help me though he could listen to me talk all day. Okay.

I was also told to stay in touch & I guess I will since this is the first recruiter I've ever met who got it. Few people I meet outside the creative world really get me, what I do, what I stand for or how my mindset works even though I don't think I'm that hard to figure out. I simply don't have time for bullshit, know how to think & am not a follower. If you can remember these 3 things & respect them, we're good. Those are the people I cherish & respect.

One of my friends even said I have my own box I'm that unique & different from everyone else.

I should probably just pay some of these people to talk to the jerks who think I should go get a job in some law firm or can go easily do just any old steady paying job. Definitely thinking of making that offer to one of my City Bar colleagues who actually knows BigLaw & confirmed exactly what I knew; perhaps hearing it from these people would make these fuckers realize that maybe I know what I'm doing in my life & have some self-awareness, okay?

This weekend, I also read this article & can tell you with authority it's 100% accurate. When I responded to job ads from law firms seeking "hip lawyers," I never got a response. Stories I've read about the operations of law firms and even looking at their websites confirm this a million times over. Stories people have told me about their working experiences at these places confirm that I don't want to be there. I've not bought into the lie that employers value creativity for many years so I see no need for any of them to lie to me about it. To me, that lie is just part of the big dog & pony show I don't care for in the first place.

And you know something? I don't have any passion for many of these employers I see posting jobs I could feasibly do. I looked on LinkedIn job ads yesterday & realized that few of these companies had given me anything to care about or feel any passion for. If I can't get behind what your company does or your mission or feel like what you're doing has value in society, why should I apply? You don't want me to work there because I have a brain in the first place & dare to not be some befuddled little weakling. My lack of passion is just another big reason I shouldn't be there.

I really don't think I lost my father & cousin in these past few months to keep doing the same old shit. I didn't have mortality shine right in my face (my cousin was the same age as my sister) to listen to assholes who just want me to be part of their misery club instead of actually CARING about whether I'm happy or not. My mentality has changed & I realized I have to admit that to myself. I also realized things about my self-perception have changed. I'm starting to see myself as designers, models, fashion industry colleagues and guys legitimately attracted to me see me; this is a drastic turn from thinking I had goth tendencies or belonged in crowds that I really don't.

Call me stubborn but I also don't believe that happiness & personal fulfillment are things you have to buy or are only for rich people. I reject that idea. I'd rather be dead than giving up everything I worked for & give a damn about. For me, what is the point if you are miserable & don't have a single source of joy in your life? Giving up any part of what I do creatively would take away my sources of joy & I feel it's wrong to ask anyone to do that.

Then, I saw a post from a Facebook friend who's an actress (along with a fellow natural redhead) that she had recently lost her job & was concerned about this (as most of us would be).

It gets better. Her boss directly made fun of her for her acting ambitions & sounded just like many of these law firm partners I hear about who've asked my attorney colleagues why they're "wasting their time" on creative pursuits or told them those pursuits were frivolous.

However, she got 3 auditions and a movie offer. One comment on this said that the universe was telling her she didn't need to be at that job & she was on the right path with pursuing acting.

I do also believe the universe gives you messages. For instance, something told me on Saturday to refill my business cards before going out to watch a show I was to review for Woman Around Town (a blog I've written some pieces for in the past few months). Sure enough, I ended up meeting another attorney who was sitting near me for the show & had a great conversation. I've had something tell me to go out or do things many times and ended up having some meaningful conversation or later having a great event happen in my life.

I wasn't even going to interview for the internship position at One Way years ago since I thought I'd have to work in New Jersey & couldn't do that but something told me to go anyway. I did and the rest is history.

The universe has done everything but grabbed me by the shoulders & shaken me while slapping me in the face and say "You need to work for yourself, not chasing after jobs in Corporate America." The evidence just adds up & I don't think you can attribute it to coincidence. The question in my brain is how to get others to understand that; maybe paying those people who say that I wouldn't fit into particular jobs to explain this to those types isn't such a bad idea.

Seriously, though I don't think anyone should ignore their intuition. Sometimes it's accurate and right. Maybe there's also an element of positive thinking in some of this but I also believe in the power of positive thinking considering it does tie in with self-fulfilling prophecy, which is a proven & studied psychological concept.

God, sometimes being both left & right brained sucks! Being the first to do things can also suck.

The Tyranny of "Putting on a Happy Face"

So big things have been coming up on the horizon. My film company's latest feature film was accepted to screen at the Calgary International Film Festival. For those who don't know, let me explain the significance of this:

Have you heard of SXSW (South by Southwest)? It's this big indie film festival in Austin that happens every year & has a big music festival associated with it as well. If you're not hip to the indie scene, you will hear about SXSW endlessly on IFC (the Independent Film Channel). A friend of mine who, for his part, is not exactly a film expert wasn't familiar with SXSW; I swear that guy needs a film education & I have half a mind to be the person who gives him one. If you mention SXSW to someone who works in film, chances are they have very much heard of it (as have I).

Well, it seems getting into Calgary is a bigger deal than getting into SXSW. As in, it is huge & could mean a life changing experience for my company as well as me the person since I'm part of the company. I already have seen the impact of us having our present reputation & I feel like this could bring us into that space I both feel honor and fear about being part of.

To think, I remember us trying to get into SXSW & not being successful.

It's that whole conflict between having a private life & privacy vs. working in an industry where you're going to be high profile. Modeling works much the same way as well as some of my other work. Some days it's like "Damn it! I look like this & have creative talent so people keep asking me to do all this performance stuff."

Now I love writing, acting, singing, modeling; it's in my soul. I never even thought I'd be doing modeling at this point since I figured those days of eligibility had passed. As I've said, every girly girl wants to do it (me included) but I figured I'd have no chance due to living in NC, going to college & not being willing to go homeless to make it happen.

When I went to law school, I definitely didn't bargain on getting my partnership at One Way or that I'd be getting listed on IMDB. I thought maybe I'd get to do community theater if I had time; I'm sure other people figured I'd be a lawyer & never get a creative break. It was one of those dreams you figure would be great to get to live but based on the normal progression of things, you violate it so there's no need for you to consider it could happen.

The problem is, if you're too good at being creative and you get known you will get press. Now I'm not badmouthing the press here; it's not their fault human nature is what it is. Getting press means you get fans & haters. The fans are never bad to have but you have to worry about the ones who take it too far (the stalker types). The haters are a validation you're doing something right but if you're controversial, you've got to be a very strong person & put your 1st Amendment right to speak ahead of people who'd love to silence you.

The haters are what cause this tyranny of putting on a happy face. Do you ever see anyone well known who tells you about the bad stuff or is honest with it? I feel like getting known for things & having a fan base can mean you never get to have a bad day. You never get to share your upset or even your true feelings if they aren't shiny, happy or socially acceptable since too many people will be waiting to knock you down.

Don't you hate that? It makes a career where your brand is based on who you are a tad hollow, right?

You also learn who your real friends, supporters, fans and the like are as you go up the ladder to success. You have to see the problems, who's going to weigh you down & who's going to bring you up. Deep stuff.

At least the good news is I'm not required to be a saint or perfect in my own brand. I get to say when I'm having a bad day or when something is BS (I have a duty not to condone BS, especially in my industry). I'm actually doing a fashion show tomorrow, have things going on career wise that a lot of people would kill to have for themselves (developing the modeling direction might end up being a smart move on my part) but have a lot of personal shit I have to worry about. When you have death in your immediate family, it's something that lingers. It's not like "Oh, well," and you move on like it never happened.

Today was a big manic depressive episode. I'd interviewed for this job before Labor Day & finally got a status update on it. The job itself fizzled out due to fallen deals (it was entertainment related). That was a bummer to me; I also feel like it sums up so much in my life. This is not the first time I've had such an event happen, not by any means. I was thinking "God forbid I could finally have a steady paying gig! How much longer am I going to have to deal with this & things like MIA interviewers?" No one I know has had the types of stories I have concerning vanishing jobs & offers that went nowhere.

Just another "what the fuck?!" moment that seems to just be me. I'm selective in what I pursue or who I talk to so it's not like I'm unprofessional when I do interviewing. I feel like it's a definite sign from the universe that my company is going to be successful & I shouldn't bother pursuing other jobs, especially outside the entertainment industry. The question is, when is the universe going to deliver on the financial rewards? It seems I'm great at giving the illusion of success & people must think I live in a mansion or something when that couldn't be further from the truth. Unfortunately, a great reputation doesn't pay your rent or your student loans. I wish it did. I also felt like I needed to cry at some point; I don't really cry all that much & as a rule, I won't let people see me do it in public. I have only cried in front of a select number of people; those people only get to see it if they agree not to hold it against me later.

I later went to therapy, got cheered up some there, came home, set up the laundry service (since I hate our local laundromat, hate having to deal with my clothes being filled with wrinkles when I put them away & really hate the manual labor involved; I felt like paying for it might end up being worthwhile to save the time, stress and energy of doing it) & then got a phone call to have a meeting tomorrow before this fashion show I'm doing tomorrow evening (a show for Fashion Week, which I figured I'd be no part of as this newbie model who isn't devoting her full time to it). It could mean a chance to take this modeling thing further & getting to do bigger events. I have no issue with paying work & none with travel if I don't have to foot the bill for it. I have supporters outside NYC who might actually go to a show I was in if it was in their area.

I sort of feel like there's this 5'6 hate going on & I have no shot at professional modeling but I could be wrong. Others in the field did tell me height wasn't the end all, be all I thought it was but time will only tell if that applies to me or not.

So the question here is how do you keep your own identity intact without having to be everyone's happy face if you aren't known for your straight talk? I honestly feel like being open & honest is a way of having a more authentic & honest relationship with people; perhaps inspiring them to do things or feel like "Hey, this person isn't perfect. I don't have to feel inadequate or intimidated of him/her." If you ask me, we should share our trials & tribulations instead of storing them far away.

My First Interview

So if you go here to the blog of the lovely & talented Cognac Wellerlane of Cognac's Corner Magazine, you can see me being interviewed. I appear at 8:17 or so.

You may want to watch Lindsay Lowe's interview before that though, since she's just totally awesome. She's told me she's scared of me even though you have to earn my angry redheaded lawyer wrath & she hasn't.

Plus, she never gave me the impression I had to censor myself around her & those people can be very hard to find. In the legal field, finding someone like that is like looking for a vampire unicorn: not just rare, but super rare.

Oh, and since I did speak about One Way though it was mostly an interview on me I want to acknowledge the rest of our team: Cassandra Riddick (our wonderful COO who is so much better with the financial stuff than any of us [me, at least] & is always on top of things; if I ask her about something, she's already gotten everything done for it), Brian Ackely (our Head of Development; if you've managed to earn his wrath for a lifetime, you're probably more detestable than a child molester, serial killer & Congress combined--he's a good counterbalance to people like Princeton & myself) & J. Lynn Menzel (the lady responsible for the gorgeous artwork you see for any of our projects; she's also the one who got us the cool One Way shirts for NY Comic Con; I know if you saw them, you'd want one also).

These are the sort of people you need on a team if you want to be a success (especially an entertainment company). You need creative minds, people who are dedicated & determined to make things go well and people who aren't afraid to tell you to lighten up when necessary. If everyone's in a hive mentality, you're doomed. You also can't have everyone be an enforcer & no one being willing to give people another chance at bat if they make a minor mistake the first time. Too much of anything is bad; moderation makes things better.

There are also our great actors & actresses like Jace Nicole. You may know I went to a day of shooting for The Butterfly Chasers & wrote in this blog about my experience as an extra. Seriously, good people both in front of & behind the camera. I see good things for this film & our family members.

I'm always embarrassed as hell to see myself on camera. I'm convinced I look bad. Same with pictures. I never think I look good & the best you'll get from me is that I don't look horrible.

I'm getting a little more out of that mindset but I don't lie about being very self-conscious. I never watch performances of myself since I'll nitpick over every little thing I do. That's usually when my husband or others tell me to shut up & stop putting myself down. My husband will outright threaten to hurt me or do something I won't like if I don't stop saying bad things about myself. I'm always convinced I'm horrible. Like now, I'll tell you Lindsay's much better at this interviewing stuff than I am & didn't muck up the website addresses she had like I did at the end.

More details on the Macabre Film Festival when I have more time (and I've got pictures of stuff I bought!). Still dealing with hubby's job hunt (and now he has the flu; isn't THAT lovely?) & it seems I'll have to go grocery shopping tomorrow to make sure we have essentials. Let's just hope I don't have to deal with the crazy "it's gonna snow" hoarders taking everything. I have to take crazy precautions (including wearing a surgical mask + making Sick Boy sleep elsewhere) & hope I don't get it since I've not had the flu since middle school.

Me with the flu = high fever (we're talking 102 at least for me to really feel like crap), throwing up (which I hate & is probably a huge reason I don't drink), falling asleep & waking up a billion times in a day and total misery for anyone who has to be around me (at least if I'm conscious).

A friend of mine told me to load up on calcium if you want to avoid getting sick. It might work since the last time my husband was sick, it was either food poisoning or something contagious (the doctor wasn't sure). At the time, I was taking these Vitamin D pills that also had calcium in them. I never got sick. He may be on to something. Hopefully, those hoarders won't have taken all the Tru-Moo Chocolate Milk since that's what I plan to look for.