I was pondering this recently when a close friend made me feel I was not wanted or cared about. It seems I'd fit in well if I were a single woman in the UK. A guy with knowledge told me a year ago that British girls are aloof, would never chase men and don't play competitive little games with other women. I have never been the type of woman to engage in such nonsense since it's my take that a guy either is interested in you or he isn't. If I'm not some guy's type, I'm not going to spend a second trying to convince him of my worth or that I'm such a great catch. I don't beg in business, in friendships or anyplace else in life. You've got the wrong sister for that one. A real diva knows she's got it going on & doesn't need anybody's validation. I know it more now.
So in these times, I've lost a LOT of friends. I've lost all my close friends over the years from distance, personality changes and finding out the person I'd known had morphed into a total stranger. This one friend who has been by me in the darkest of the dark times was slacking off on me & pissed me off with the "it's too hard stuff." Keep in mind this is someone who has never been married, never had a parent die & has a home to speak of. The person I'm referring to hasn't had to apply for public assistance, seen the undersides I've seen in life or to my knowledge, had someone who you thought loved you and had your back metaphorically shit on you & outright try to sabotage you. I had been talking to this person's significant other & felt she shouldn't be blamed for his failings as a friend so I said "I'll talk to her but I'm not talking to you."
My thought was "Some of these days, fucker. Some of these days you're going to miss me & you're going to feel like shit. You'll suffer a loss not having ME around." I'm pretty unforgettable & unique, you know.
How many attorneys do you know who prepare for court appearances & their divorce hearing by listening to gansta rap? How many have a "seize the day & pick life" mentality? Oh, and natural redheads are the natural divas & the rarest people out there. There also aren't a lot of women my age who've gone through what I've had to & haven't let it completely destroy them. I also figured I might be dead by that time & then it'd really be too late. My family's life expectancy isn't in the 80s/90s but more like 50s/60s. AND...my presence & the fact that I bother to make time for you or care is a gift. Trust is very hard for me; my childhood started that & the rest of life has made it worse. That's a privilege & I don't give that to just anybody. You can't.
So I was going through my life, dealing with the whole divorce mess & everything when I hear from the significant other. Remember, not her fault if my longtime friend abandoned me. She also never made me feel like I had no right to my friendship or that I was an intrusion or a bother. Also, she's more of a peer I can get along with who is similar to me in many ways. I've been looking for other women I can talk to & who don't get all pissy at me for having pretty girl problems. Plus having someone who wants to do girl stuff & hang out is great; I'd have loved that when I was married & haven't had a best friend in a long time. Mine got too chummy with my sister & then went crazy, if you remember.
When we got a chance to hang out, she told me her significant other & my former friend figured that if something major happened to me I'd tell her & she'd tell him. Damn it! She is the one who convinced me he did in fact give a damn though he didn't make me feel like he did, particularly based on prior acts. Perhaps he assumed it wasn't the lowest of the low like when things first happened and all that. Not sure when that whole thing started or his full thinking there. I have my suspicions & intuition; it also appears my intuition is pretty damn good sometimes.
So when I cut you off, you are dead to me. There's no second chances, no going back, nothing. I have no time for it & you don't get to be part of my success, eventual triumph, whatever journey I get to if you bail on me in these dark times. That's just the way it is & has to be. Except with this friend, it's like he's herpes or a damn fungus. For whatever reason I haven't figured out, I've never been able to be fully rid of him. When I was married, something told me to keep him around since I'd need a friend like him; I figured he'd never begrudge me of my success or get jealous of me or try to steal my thunder. He also assured me years back he'd never date some woman who'd tell him who to be friends with i.e. dropping me b/c some chick told him to do that. I kept that friendship despite some deep shit going on around me b/c of that intuitive sense that he'd be important in my life; I also don't respond well to anyone telling me what to do. I'd felt by this point, we were done with that but I guess the journey continues.
Nonetheless, I still have some thoughts re: close friendships. I wonder if the lack of them says something bad about me as a person. That perhaps my standards are too high & no one could possibly meet them no matter how hard they tried. That I have a character flaw in me that makes me too impatient and too consumed to ever have close friends for a long duration of time. I sort of view this one friend in my life being like the continuation of being in my sorority even when I sometimes felt like leaving the chapter b/c it was something I wasn't feeling home with for many reasons. Staying in my sorority was something I did since I wanted to say I'd done that in my life and stuck with it despite the emotional difficulties I'd felt as a member. I didn't want to be a quitter.
Case in point: I didn't have a little sister & no one picked me to be their big. I'm a damn orphaned lady with no sorority family line. My tree starts & ends with me. When I hear about people's lines & all, it still hurts a little. It makes me feel sidelined & reminds me of how I felt when no one seemed to like ME or think I was interesting or cool or fun to hang out with. Time dulled some of that pain but it really hurt at the time & brought back all the old "ugly duckling" feelings I had. And I did have 2 alumnae big sisters & a twin so I guess I shouldn't feel TOO sorry for myself. I've always gotten along well with more mature people since I'm an old soul with a youthful mind and energy. I've been told I have the energy of a 7 year old girl.
There is the point where you've outgrown friendships. I definitely had that with my childhood best friend; she also changed into a total stranger I no longer recognized or respected. Growth is definitely something I've had in these times. You'd have to be a robot not to feel SOMETHING from all this. Or you were a big fat liar who never cared about the person you married or your dead relatives or acceptance or anything. Death is a game changer. I had a lot of more distant relatives & closer relatives die when I was young but the really close ones didn't go until I was in my 20s. That is a time when you have to see who your friends are & who they aren't.
So if you have the same friends you've had forever, does that mean you haven't grown as a human being? That you have never had anything really bad happen to where you had to put those friendships to the test? Does not having close friends that you've known for at least a decade mean you are too shallow or a lost cause b/c no one likes you that long or does it mean you've lived and grown to where you're just too awesome for it? Is there a good or a bad to that idea? Is anyone better in some way for their close friendships or lack of them? I definitely don't consider trust to be instant pudding and hate people who want you to do that instantly or command it out of you.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
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