You shouldn't. I just continue being busy. Mostly with work stuff and my social life. You should always make effort to see your friends and forge relationships with people who lift you up, inspire you, motivate you to better yourself and the like. Psychologically, it's healthy to do this and social isolation will lead to major problems. This also helps from a networking standpoint since people who know and like you are more likely to refer you places and opportunity can arise that way. Perhaps I'm also cleaning up the emotional and physical wreckage from the past 4ish years. Things are definitely moving onto a better track.
I got to see Mr. Big Stuff a few weeks back when he came to town. He wasn't staying too far from me & he genuinely was happy to see me, I felt. Those time zone changes will kill you traveling from China to NYC but he told me about some changes going on in his life that might permit us to resume our prior boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I felt like informing Captain Horndog with a sense of smugness about that, a whole "you wanted to write off this guy but he's accomplished more than you have." These days, though I felt like it wasn't really worth it. I'm not entirely convinced Captain Horndog is all that concerned about me and Mr. Big Stuff makes him look like chopped liver by comparison. I even saw pics he'd posted recently & thought "Mr. Big Stuff you aren't but you do okay for your age bracket." I'd probably still knock a bitch out for daring to insult or belittle MY friend, though. I'm that way with all my guy friends, particularly if I see someone reject them in a way I find rude or classless. You can reject guys in a kind & polite manner. If they persist after you do that, THEN you can be a jerk. You don't do it beforehand.
After seeing Mr. Big Stuff, I realized I'm over what Comic Book Boy did and actually have more feeling towards Mr. Big Stuff. The question is do I like Mr. Big Stuff based on his own merits or because he was there for me in major ways post-separation/post-divorce & if it weren't him, it'd be someone else. Honestly, despite Mr. Big Stuff having flaws like anyone else, I feel like it's more that I like him on his own merits vs. his being convenient or a mere handsome face. We had our falling out and reconciliation so to me, if someone makes the effort to reconnect with me that means I had an impact & matter to them. He told me I was the only person he'd actually seen during his visit. When asked if I was his girlfriend, he said "something like that." It both scares and pains me to admit it but I think I might even be able to love again though I will never, ever tell a guy "I love you" first. I might not even be able to admit to myself that I love a guy even if I actually do. The pain and fear of rejection are too great for me. I would need an emotional insurance policy or a backup to lessen any pain if I didn't get the same level of love or concern towards me. One thing that gives me hope, though, is that this particular guy told me that he doesn't view me as some passing fancy he's killing time with until somebody better shows up.
Before he said that, I wasn't so sure he viewed me as somebody he might see a future with (which is how I interpret "I don't consider you some girl I'm killing time with until someone else shows up & then I'll drop you like a bad habit" since there's really no other meaning from that). The birthing babies issue also comes into play on this one since I figured he was just waiting around to find some girl willing & able to birth his babies vs. the childfree woman who's had a tubal.
I tell people about some of his actions and a lot of people are Team Mr. Big Stuff and very against Comic Book Boy. Many aren't enamored with Captain Horndog either; I've distanced myself from him emotionally though I feel like he hasn't got a lot of real friends he can speak honestly with so my presence is an act of Christian kindness & human decency.
There's no question about Mr. Big Stuff passing the swoon test or being on my intellectual level. I actually thought to myself recently "What would I say about this guy if he rejected me? I can't declare he's some loser or not good enough for me like my ex-husband." It made me feel empathetic to my ex-husband and how he might have felt about me rejecting him. He couldn't exactly declare me inferior or not a catch. It occurred to me that maybe I could forgive him so long as I never forgot what he did & didn't condone his behavior. It feels like holding on that now would be absurd, especially if I end up in a serious relationship with Mr. Big Stuff. He did act jealous when I mentioned having been with this one guy friend months before though there was no future there & we don't have an exclusivity agreement due to distance. I just haven't felt like dating or being with some other guy at this point since it feels like "there's Mr. Big Stuff & then there's everyone else". You don't meet guys who are really special all the time, certainly not in the wilds of NYC. He's also interesting and complex like I am, another thing that's hard to find.
But I definitely have some things to rant about: for example, seems the "Me Too" movement loses legitimacy when Asia Argento sexually assaulted a 17 year old when she was 37. I find that creepy considering I've had young guys hit on me but I never bother if they're not at least the legal drinking age of 21. That way, it's more likely they are legal.
Not to mention this guy was a child actor in one of her films & she's some rich bitch who's part of film making royalty so imagine the power imbalance there. I didn't feel sympathy for her as a victim in light of her not being some poor woman with no connections or ability to retaliate & who also DATED her supposed rapist for many years (was that in spite of his being married?). Sorry, staying silent without bothering to warn anybody (even privately and individually) means you're allowing MORE people to get hurt & serving as an accomplice to such things.
I never bought into the whole "Me Too" movement since we can safely say about 98% of women (if not 100%) have been sexually harassed or abused or had to deal with some kind of BS at the hands of a guy. Things like rape and sexual assault should call for people to seek out counseling and therapy as well as going to the authorities instead of waiting decades, dating the abuser, seeing the abuser more than once, and all kinds of craziness the Hollywood types did. Absent being a Scientologist or a literal prisoner, I think the people who say women in entertainment who are big names and came out with these stories basically prostituted themselves to get ahead have a very valid point. I also have it on some good authority that you can actually get someplace without resorting to the casting couch. But no, you don't get to publicly complain about a serial rapist while molesting people yourself.
I'd rather see mandatory assertiveness training, self-defense training and full access to weapons for women to use in self-defense vs. women telling other women and the world to be helpless victims in fear of everything & everyone who must wait on an authority figure to solve their problems instead of creating their own solutions. Some of the stories propped up for this movement diminish actual victims & harm their credibility. Not to mention dismissing men who've experienced such things. That's a whole other topic & I knew we'd find female abusers sooner or later.
I also read a story this week about someone I dubbed "Cunty McCuntface" who set up a mass Tinder date in Union Square and made all these guys compete for a date with her in person. She lies about the nature of this project, decides to publicly humiliate them and thinks she's some sort of prize worth all this BS. I think she's inviting karma to bite her in the ass & deserves to have been publicly humiliated by the "winner" or lose a job or suffer some kind of retribution. If she were a guy doing that, he'd be run out of town if not figuratively stoned for his behavior. Why should it be acceptable for a woman to do it?
A real hottie wouldn't waste her time setting up elaborate games, nor would she have to. Guys would do that on their own volition. A smart woman sure wouldn't do that since they know it's a good way to get a guy to harm you physically so you can't use sex appeal anymore or walk the streets or exist on the planet. Why not just stick your head in a lion's mouth? It also seems out of character for a Southern belle since they might use guys for things but they're way more polite and charming about it. They wouldn't disgrace themselves in public by looking like uncaring, unfeeling bitches to the world at large. Not to mention they do actually feel men have a purpose & tend to be more respectful of them than third wave feminist types who want to destroy them. I betted this waste of life was an ultra liberal or third wave feminist based on this happening in NYC & NYC being a haven for those types (many guys have told me as much & said finding a woman of my mindset is unusual). If this dumbass responds, I would love to read it.
I also keep hearing from people in my past, which has been a mix of reactions. Some I'm happy to have heard from and some just don't fit in this new landscape. One was a pre-divorce friend I'd wondered about from time to time. It seems I got divorced and became a high school popular girl. I have to say that can be fun but also incredibly draining and somewhat annoying at times.
Thursday, August 23, 2018
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