Monday, June 25, 2012

Spell it Out, Sister! "50 Shades of Grey" and Classism

You're getting an extra entry at both fan behest & because I was downloading Prince songs. I also planned to go into the office today but worked at home b/c I didn't want to risk being struck by lightening on my walk to the subway as I walked under the trees on our sidewalk.

As you read before, my husband foisted 50 Shades of Grey upon me. I still stand by my statement that it's totally porno & that is the only reason it's on the NY Times Best Seller List. The porn aspect has also been the consensus among everyone I know who's read it. Furthermore, you're not reading it for the author's writing skills. I've heard multiple people say the writing was excruciating or plodding in some fashion. I promised to write a rant topic on it after I read it; a little late but it felt fitting to write it now.

I do give the author credit for a realistic ending for the first book. If it stopped there, my inner feminist would be happy since I like realism in my media. However, it doesn't. I, however, do since I know I'd be disappointed in the lead female character for going back to that situation. It also has some very negative commentary & I'd hate to think men believe all women are that way. Let me tell you right now, we aren't.

One thing that really pissed me off was the covering up of terms. I hear that in urban fiction, you will see the word "dick" to refer to the guy's private parts. However, if it's a white romance author you see things like "manhood" or "he inserted himself." In this book, "vagina" isn't used but "me" or "my sex" is.

Why are white people so damn bashful about sex (at least Americans or those from a puritanical culture like this British author; I'm sure the French are just fine with it)? I sure as hell can't write it credibly but maybe I've done too much of it & have the added baggage of my religion infused childhood blocking me. Any sex scene I ventured to write would have comedic elements, probably because some of my actual experiences did have comedy in them. I know my artistic limits & I'm pretty sure that's one of them.

Listen, sister: if you want to write a porn tome, don't be bashful. Be direct, damn it! Spell it out. You have adult readers. We aren't stupid. If you're going to be that graphic anyway, why censor that for us? Playboy's sex stories sure don't play that censorship. They spell it right out for you. None of their authors are bashful about it. They put it right in your face 100% & I'm sure make no apologies for it.

If you're going to "go there," why not take us all the way. There are Prince songs more graphic than this book. Seriously, though I would still pay money to go to a Prince soundtrack wedding (circa early career to mid-90s songs).

I was also looking for anal in it only to find none since that was mentioned in the book as something this guy liked to do. With all the buildup, you expected it to happen & it didn't.

One other thing: with the book written from the virgin female character's perspective (whose name also sounds like she just stepped off a porn set according to hubby), I totally understand how Psycho Boy lost his mind after we gave our virginity to each other. I did not lose my damn mind after I first had sex; I did not have illusions of turning some guy into a "flowers & hearts kind of guy" like this character does. She reminded me of Psycho Boy in his attempt to change me into a "flowers & hearts" kind of gal who'd go run off with him into the sunset. Getting that insight was interesting & I finally understood it more when my family claimed I ruined this guy. Sure, I was like "this is great" when I first did it but I had better later on (much, MUCH better in fact) & it was a lot about rebellion from the strict upbringing I had along with having a means to do it without having anyone I had to go to class with or deal with regularly finding out information I didn't want them to know. Man, if they knew some of that stuff I'd have never had any peace or quiet & would likely have been disappointed with lack of skills. You have to work to impress redheads. Case in point: Vampire Boy had far more sexual experience than me when I met him (he was my 3rd; I was his 10th) & he actually told me I was the best he'd ever had in that realm.

Personally, I don't think I ruined Psycho Boy even to this day considering I was prepared & deliberate in my choice to lose my virginity. If he wasn't, he shouldn't have lied to me about being mature enough to handle it. Not all women are trying to make a man into a "flowers & hearts kind of guy." We can be just as cold and unfeeling as any guy. Nor did I do anything I knew I'd regret later on.

Oh, and the money thing. I should mention the male lead in this book is a guy with tons of money & that's presented as part of this woman's attraction to him. Unlike many people, that shit doesn't impress me; it's more likely to piss me off. I remember dating my husband & saying that if he'd come from money, we wouldn't be together. In my view, the money thing goes to class & how you grew up. A person who grew up having to work for things due to lack of money has a very different mentality and mindset from someone who didn't (unless maybe that person wasn't coddled by their parents & there was no perk to having $ that factored into their upbringing like no bailouts or paying for college). I don't care how nice or compassionate you are about it; people from 2 different worlds on that end are never going to truly understand each other in a romantic context. It's just so much a part of who you are & how you handle situations as an adult that I don't think you can really understand it if you haven't lived it. I knew a rich guy would never be able to fully understand me & probably couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't going to be bought or take shit from him b/c of his net worth.

Not being able to fully understand someone means, in my book, that you can never truly love that person for himself/herself. Then if you can't love that person fully, how can you possibly have a future together? As my mind ran & still does, you can't! You just can't. It's the same thing with differences in education.

My own academic prowess & background is something so integral to who I am and what I believe in that if you weren't as educated or had that drive to get an education, you'd never fully get me. My own mother warned me about that when I was dating Psycho Boy & I feel that relationship proved that point.

That's not to say you couldn't be friends with people from different socioeconomic backgrounds. I have some myself; you just sort of have an unspoken agreement that you don't say or do certain things since you know it would be hitting below the belt.

Now to get sleep. Remember, if you're going to write graphic sex scenes go big or go home (as the saying goes)!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Political Contributions: A Nice Gesture or Payola?

My general take on politics is no big secret if you actually read this blog. If you haven't, my basic attitude is that it's all bullshit & even if I were in charge, there would still be corruption and garbage going on. I also had some rather intimate experiences in the world of politics and despite being told I ought to run for office, I think I'm just too ethical myself for the task. You know people would bitch & moan about me being A) childfree, B) not being some devout God bothering asshole & C) the owner of an independent mind with my own point of view.

One of those experiences dealing with the intimacy of politics is a judicial campaign. A judge I do not know personally, who has taken zero personal interest in my life either got or decided to add my private e-mail address to her campaign mailing list (likely because of being on the same bar association committee as me). The very first event I got invited to as part of this campaign was for a meet & greet where the "suggested contribution" was $1,000.

Now, I have no general problem with people doing fundraising. Indie film people have to do fundraising all the time, either through getting investors or launching campaigns on Kickstarter or IndieGoGo. They give you different incentives depending on what you can contribute. Generally, the discussion in those fundraising efforts is "give if you can & if you choose to do so, give what you can." They don't take on the attitude that you are worthless if you can't give a "suggested donation/contribution."

Friends of mine are also in local political office or ran for it. I remember them mentioning their campaigns on Facebook. One even ran for NC State Senate. They managed to incorporate news of their campaigns and ask for money without being irritating about it. They also told you what they'd done specifically and where they stood on specific issues to convince one to donate to their campaigns.

So, I'm aware that politicians have to get money from somewhere since the government refuses to enact any true campaign finance reform and make it fair for all people to run for office in a viable manner, not just those born to money. Yep, I think Citizens United is a stupid precedent & should be tossed post haste though I actually studied it in my Supreme Court Symposium class and have more understanding of it than your average person.

However, I think some distinctions on this are in order:

1. None of my friends who had campaigns e-mailed me about it. We're talking about my friends. This was a total stranger who sent me an e-mail about the event.

Announcing a campaign on your Facebook page is not the same as sending me a direct e-mail on it.

2. My friends didn't have "suggested contributions" and if they had, I guarantee it wouldn't have been $1,000. Everyone I've told about this suggestion (including someone who works in government) thought it was tacky, distasteful and unreasonable.

You should know that I wouldn't give $1,000 to anyone without justification, not even a family member & probably not even if $1,000 became like $10 to me. I have also never made a political contribution to anyone & if you want one, you'd better really wow me + take an interest in my life, events, etc. If I feel you're just patronizing me & don't really care about my concerns, I'm not going to bother.

3. I know my friends would actually listen to what I have to say without me giving them a dime for political campaigns. They would actually take me seriously if I made a point & give me credit for it. This judge didn't give me that sense based on all this lack of personal e-mails and conversations with campaign reps.

Telling me that my voice means nothing to you unless I give you money sounds an awful lot like payola to me. Remember payola? It was when radio stations were paid to play songs by particular artists, translating into those songs becoming popular, going up the charts, etc. It was a huge scandal.

Now, that's not to say it doesn't happen today (I really have no personal knowledge of if it does or doesn't) but we're talking about public servants here. You know, people who are supposed to be serving EVERYBODY regardless of their campaign contribution to the election or how much money they have.

Radio station owners, at least, are not under public duties to serve people. They have no high moral ideals they're supposed to be meeting in playing or not playing a particular songs. Politicians and other elected officials are a different story. They're supposed to be held to much higher standards.

If they aren't, why does anyone give a damn if a politician cheats on his wife, propositions little boys or goes to a hooker? If we're allowing payola here, shouldn't we just admit that politicians aren't held to any standards of decency or public conduct? I don't consider being forced to purchase equal rights or rational thought from someone a decent act. I'd rather be represented by the adulterer or patron of hookers.

Even the pedophile would be better than the "buy my advocacy" candidate & I think pedophiles deserve what they get in public outrage & vigilante justice.

In response to this suggestion, I wrote back telling this person they were barking up the wrong tree considering what I & my husband do for a living. I also explained that I would likely never appear before this judge & without knowing anything about this person, I'm not handing over a dime much less an amount that would impose a hardship on my household.

A rep from the campaign then contacted me and said she'd send me info on more affordable events (this meaning the minimum contribution was $100, which is still excessive to me). I then get an e-mail recently on events (including one the same day that I saw after getting home from work). The only event that worked with my schedule was the make-up of the $1,000 contribution one. It turns out someone I knew was a host at the event so I asked her about this contribution thing, making the same points I'd made before on cost & the fact that my husband gets a say in such things as well so no way am I paying a dime without an opportunity to meet the person myself and form my own opinions.

I heard nothing back so I decided it was not worth me taking off work early to attend.

So, basically I have a real problem with the idea that my voice is only worth whatever extortion money you collect from me. I'm not going to vote for someone who expects me to hand them money to do a damn thing to benefit me. What the hell is the point? Hence, my extreme cynicism over politics.

I'll tell you right now that my company has never treated fans who didn't give to a campaign or who had less money like garbage while reserving the good treatment for investors. I wouldn't let them, either. That's classism at its core & acting that way proves to me you have zero class. Funny, I'm not even running for public office & I conduct myself that way. Why can't this person or other politicians?

What really irks me is groups like Move On or People for the American Way. I'll sign some of their petitions (if I agree with the issue) but I took my e-mail off PFAW's list after this insulting e-mail I got (complete with tons of links):

"Dear M,

It appears that the most unlikely name of all may now be supporting Mitt Romney for president:

M T (the name I used on these sites)

Please give me a moment to explain.

Thanks to the Citizens United decision, corporations now have the same free speech rights as people when it comes to spending money on America's elections. Every time you pay your bills, buy gas, food, or any other everyday item, some of that money is going directly into Mitt Romney's campaign budget.

That is why it is so important that you renew your PFAW membership.

If PFAW loses someone as committed to the American Way as you are M -- to someone like Mitt Romney -- either directly or simply by your inaction ... our civil rights and liberties as Americans will be absolutely devastated.

Please become one of the 7,987 newly renewed members we need standing with us this election year against the Radical Right. You already know what Romney's extreme right agenda would include --

Advancing the War on Women -- defunding family planning, denying access to basic birth control, and criminalizing reproductive choices.
Packing the Supreme Court with justices like Robert Bork -- who Mitt Romney named to co-chair his presidential advisory committee on law, the Constitution and the judiciary.
Privatizing Social Security and devastating Medicaid.
Slashing federal safeguards for the environment, energy and education.

We need the renewed support of 7,987 members by October 2012, so please make an urgent renewal contribution today.

With just a few months left before Election Day, we can’t take ANY chances! Republican extremist and anti-Union Governor Scott Walker’s victory in Wisconsin showed the impact of the Right’s big (and early) money advantage. And that’s exactly why your renewed support is needed more than ever before!

We need to pull out all the stops to defeat Romney and his radical right agenda RIGHT NOW! There isn’t much time left! It is imperative that we -

* Organize progressive voters and get them to the polls on Election Day. Get-out-the-vote efforts were essential to our victories in 2006 and 2008, and will be again in 2012.
* Fight the outrageous lies being propagated by the Republicans and the Tea Partiers to build unfounded fear and resentment for President Obama and Democrats in Congress.
* Buy airtime and advertisements on television, radio and the internet. We also need funding for phone banking and mail efforts to reach voters directly.
* Put “boots-on-the-ground.” People For the American Way is placing staff members in key districts to best coordinate our forces.

All this takes resources -- which is why PFAW needs you to renew your 2012 support immediately. Because if the unthinkable happens, we will only have ourselves to blame for not doing even more to prevent it. Please renew today!

Michael B. Keegan signature
Michael Keegan, President

The subject was: M, thank you for your support of the Romney campaign

I took my name off their mailing list right away & wouldn't do crap for these people. Newsflash: when all your e-mails or even over 50% of them are "give me $," you're wasting your time & pissing me off. This pissed me off on a nuclear level. I felt it was inflammatory. Pissing me off isn't going to inspire me to help you; it will most likely inspire me to tell you to go fuck yourself.

When I don't know who the hell you are, you have made zero effort to listen to what I have to say & never bothered responding if I complain about something you are wasting your time. If I gave $ to everyone who asked, I'd be flat broke as most everyone else would be.

Accessibility is very important to me & I strongly believe that politicians for the most part are anything but (certainly most people running for office can be included here). When I'm only getting form letters from your office & you merely condescend to me, I'm not going to care about what you do & I will go out of my way NOT to do anything that might remotely benefit you.

Just so you know, I'm not some little peon you can spit on; I have a comparable education and experience to you so probably better for you not to fuck with me. 'Kay? (imagine the head turn of Dr. Hutchison from Rocko's Modern Life as you read this)

Friday, June 15, 2012

DNA Doesn't Make You Family

I probably learned this at a very young age after seeing some of what I did. I saw total bullshit happening in the name of "love" and "family members" (you know the people who are supposed to be your unconditional supporters in life) treating people worse than strangers on the street.

Add this to the dysfunctional marriages I saw and you've got some basis for my heavy cynicism.

You'll probably notice that I don't talk so much about my extended family or relatives. There's good reason for that. Are you ready?

So, apparently Southern families are soap opera like. I wasn't really aware of this until a law school classmate told me; I asked a fellow Southerner about it today & he confirmed this. But seriously? My family is probably higher on that soap opera scale than average, even though we don't have a Stefano DiMerra figure (he implanted microchips in people's brains, fathered most of Salem, kidnapped Marlena Evans about a hundred times & basically did so much meddling into people's lives that my mother once said if he, Vivian Alamain & one other Days of Our Lives character were real people, they could singlehandedly take out foreign combatants).

Shall we start with my mother's side or my father's? I guess we'll go with my father's. To start with, my father's family was dysfunctional long before it was cool or hip (we're talking the days of I Love Lucy here). He had this stepfather that was abusive & even tried putting the moves on my mother when she & my dad were engaged; they called him "Mr. [His last name]". His recently departed brother (I can't say "dearly" since he was an ass & no one really liked him) was a creeper pedophile (as I learned more recently, which explains why we didn't really hang out with him). I feel like I got lucky with my father even though living in that family was no bowl of cherries. I'm also not sure I'm cool with the fact that apparently my parents provided aid & comfort to this creeper when the snakes were striking, so to speak. I addressed this issue in an earlier post; if you read it, you'll understand where I'm going here.

Second, I can't prove this but my paternal grandmother was allegedly Miss Atlanta GA; if we're going based on looks, it could very well be true but I don't know her first name or her maiden name so I have no way to verify it. In fact, they really don't have a family tree or other relatives I've heard of except a great aunt they were close to that died when I was younger. This grandmother, like most of my grandparents, died before I was born.

It feels like I'm adopted in some ways with this whole shroud of mystery here. It gets better, though.

My mother doesn't talk to pretty much any relative except my uncle (her brother). Factions of that family fought over money left by a distant relative some years back. When we were much younger, we saw some of those relatives but as we got to middle school & onward they vanished without a trace. No one made efforts to contact us or keep up with us. They do have a family tree, though.

Now, they are all curious on everyone's business but they never ask with legitimate concern. It is apparently more like an inquisition & having gossip fodder. I should mention both sides of my family have a healthy assortment of gossips & hateful assholes. Yes, I know this is not uncommon but I thought the whole ceasing of contact had to do with physical abuse or something horrifying like that.

Our basic attitude here is the same as mine on life in general: I'm not going to follow you around seeking your approval or favor like a little puppy nipping at your ankles. You want to be around? Make a fucking effort! Otherwise, don't whine about it when you do nothing to make an effort.

I could pass a relative of mine on the street & wouldn't know it. Doesn't this sound like a soap opera already?

One hazard of working in this industry, especially if you're an actor, writer, director or anyone else who's more out in front: long lost family & friends will try contacting you for favors.

I've been prepared for that possibility for some time since I kind of have to have an online presence for the sake of business. I also know what trajectory I'm going on & as a consequence, it's just bound to happen sometime.

Sometime became Tuesday. I go check my e-mail in the morning as I do every morning before I start working & I find a cousin I've not seen since I was 7 has written me a message through my website to then ask about why my mother won't talk to them.

Gee, did I wake up & become my mother all of a sudden? Did I end up back in NC & inhabit her body sometime? Last I checked, I was a separate entity.

That window of time when I'll bother to give someone any benefit of the doubt on not seeking special favors is rapidly shrinking; I suppose it already shrank from going to law school & leaving the South but it's definitely gotten smaller than it was even 2 years ago.

I check a different e-mail account to find this cousin also wrote me the same message through Avvo.

That evening, when I've decided how I'm going to handle this I see this cousin has sent me a Facebook friend request & has no public details on her profile to give me an idea of what sort of person I'm dealing with. Nor do I have any way to respond through Facebook.

Another fact about my mom's side of the family: there are a lot of Christians in it. Some of whom are probably part of that lunatic fundie fringe that's intolerant & quoting Bible verses at you constantly while breaking most of the commandments. I'm not so certain they'd accept me for me.

I thought "Oh no she didn't!" Because her messages to me said she'd done "research" on me, I decided to point that out in my response. I also addressed what an aunt of mine said concerning my plans to live in NY state; she had claimed I was following the guy I was dating at the time (Vampire Boy) instead of having a real interest in it. Jesus, people who'd spent a few hours around me knew I had no interest in living in the South. An aunt on my dad's side I didn't spend a ton of time with even told my mother that she wasn't surprised about what I did in my adult life & where I'd moved to. She's also dead now.

I figure if that aunt knew, it should be as plain as day to anyone else. Total strangers down there knew how miserable I was living there; it was obvious & I made no secret of that fact.

In writing this message, I figured I'd treat this relative just as I'd treat a total stranger who sent me a Facebook friend request & provided no explanation or reason why I should care about connecting with them, especially on a personal social media site like Facebook. I get those kinds of requests fairly often on various social media platforms so I'm pretty direct about it.

My mother said I didn't have to be offensive & all to this relative. I said "You're assuming I care what this woman thinks. I really don't." She seems to forget I'm the woman who's known as "the enforcer," the person who'll tell you right to your face if you're crossing a line or doing something that offends me. I've got a rep to maintain, you know?

My thought is regardless of my approach, it's a win for me. I also stated that if you want to have space in my life, you'll have to accept me for who I am without trying to "save," convert or badger me about my life choices (all of them, not just the ones you like such as my super heterosexuality) as well as accept my spouse, who is not going to become a God bothering asshole.

I further stated that my mother was an adult & she could speak to her directly on that issue but that I would not be a conduit of information and would not be violating her personal privacy since she's not violated mine. I presume she would not be selling me out to some tabloid or exploiting my friends/harassing my contacts. I know she wouldn't bother celebrities since she's got no interest in such matters.

So, I'm giving this relative a week. Regardless of what happens, it's a win in my book. If she's all offended, then I won't have to worry about them bothering me. Really not worth your time to deal with me if you offend easily anyway. If not, maybe we can have a serious discussion here & lay our cards out on the table. See if there's going to be acceptance. I even put in some light profanity after pointing out that I do curse & have earned that right since I live in NYC and am an adult. Would you rather I curse or repress all that to then snap one day & shoot innocent people in a bank like that day trader did in Atlanta shortly before I moved there? I've asked my mother this question anytime she complains about me cursing out some dumbass driver in a fit of road rage while I drive.

At this point, I'm not in the mood to grovel for anyone's approval & see no reason to do it when it comes to who I am as a person. No acceptance means why bother in my book.

Just remember that your family is the one you create for yourself, not the one you're born into.

Oh, and 50 Shades of Grey is total porn but if you want honesty in some of the terms you should read the sex stories in Playboy or urban fiction (according to a librarian I know, wink wink). They spell out the male & female private parts in the characters' sexual experiences. That leads into another rant but since I'm sleepy, I'll save it for another day. Just know that my husband was right when he said this book is porn. Not that this is a bad thing; I'm just stating facts. More thoughts on this later. I have to actually finish it first.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Slate.Com Published My Writing!

Seriously in their XX Factor blog. Here's the link if you want to read it. It's edited but if you've been reading this blog, you know it's true. Plus, it's no secret I'm childfree & if there was a cause to be known for, I can't think of a better one than more responsible parenting and the encouragement of the childfree movement.

I honestly hadn't thought about the "why" of being childfree until I read about one child-free woman's experience on Slate & the part where they were inviting people to share their stories & their "why." My "why" took some time but it did occur to me that my past experiences probably shaped my decision.

You'll note I'm not a child hater, I just don't think children should be viewed as a punishment or like toys or pets you play with for a while and then get bored with.

I'm not going to bother reading comments there since there are lots of inbred, ignorant trolls who post remarks & frankly, I haven't got the time for it. I've had enough of my own shit to deal with and boy, do I have entries to write.

One experience even dealt with something I've been preparing for in my career & generally once I did well: random people from the past coming out of the woodwork. Worse yet, random relatives possibly trying to use DNA to justify the reappearing act.

More details on this when I've got real time to write it out.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Should We Banish All The Exes???

I decided it was time to update my ex-boyfriend scrapbook. Yes, I've got an ex-boyfriend scrapbook.

I started it when I was in college & single; it's called "The Ex Chronicles: A Work in Progress", has an introduction and some words about particular exes that had a true impact in my life or really pissed me off, has a "booty list" of things I got from that ex (gifts they bought & material possessions I got from that relationship that made it less of a waste) & has a pic of each ex or something to symbolize him as well as things like movie ticket stubs, pictures of movies I saw w/the guy or restaurant logos for where we went, etc.

When I met my hubby & was pretty sure he was the one (before we were engaged, in fact), I did the last page where he's called "The One" and wrote a whole piece about it. I also glued in tickets & places where we've gone. I have a bunch of blank pages in it and realized I should add in the ticket stubs & things I've got from doing things with hubby.

The very back of it has phone numbers I collected from guys I didn't end up dating or who thought I was pretty. More of an ego boost for the former ugly girl, really. Sort of a record to say "See, I CAN attract guys so there." One is even a Polaroid I got of a guy who hung around me one evening & stayed even after I got a major stomach ache and felt horrid. Let me tell you, that wasn't pleasant. This guy actually gave a damn & kept me company the whole evening. If he'd been local, maybe that could have worked out but he was in the military & stationed on the west coast so there you go. It became one of those experiences I'll probably use in some creative work later on, along with various things guys I talked with who I met once & had no way to stay in touch with told me. Those are the experiences I feel one needs to have a true personality & really be effective in a creative sense.

I pride myself on the creative flair of the whole thing but my best reason for having & keeping it? If I ever get amnesia, I won't make the mistake of dating those guys again & it might trigger positive memories of my hubby. After all, I have a copy of the first message he ever sent me on OkCupid pasted in there. I read it just now & it made me laugh as well as smile. I also thought "It's so fortunate we found each other." If you knew me well & you read it, you'd probably also think "Wow, that guy IS her perfect match/soulmate/a male version of her/true love/whatever."

Are you shocked I have an ex-boyfriend scrapbook? You shouldn't be. I don't believe in pretending your exes don't exist after you stop dating them. Now we don't have to go all Helga Pataki & build shrines to them like she did for Arnold (it's from Hey Arnold, you doofus; go watch it if you haven't seen it). We don't have to obsess about them or stalk them like she did to Arnold.

At the same time, I hate those articles that say "never talk about your exes." First off, when I dated guys I wanted them to know what pissed me off so they'd not being doing it. It would hardly be proper for me to get mad at them for doing something to piss me off if they didn't even know what pissed me off or why. In my mind, if the guy knows something will piss you off & he does it anyway then you've got every right to get angry. But if he doesn't? Then you're stuck & can't get mad b/c he doesn't know about it. Why not prevent a potential fight by just being honest about what makes you mad? You can't expect people to be mind readers. No, ladies you can not expect a guy you just met to know all your pet peeves or even try to understand them if you don't give him some background.

This is the vein in which I discussed things about myself: I figured "Let's get rid of the pro-lifers & the cheating assholes right away. Why get attached to a guy who's going to try to shove me into a relationship I don't want or force me to give up my dreams?"

Second, there are some serious deal breakers you need to get answers on ASAP & what better time than on a first date? If you know you want kids someday or must live in Florida, why get attached to a guy who doesn't want them or must live in Alaska? What if the guy or the girl has kids & you hate them? Shouldn't you know about that? What if someone was or is an escort or prostitute or adult film star? You might want to know before one of their fans comes up & asks for an autograph while you're on a date. There are certain things that I think people should have some informed consent on & if you don't give them that opportunity, you're being a jerk and not giving the person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that person wouldn't mind dating an adult film star or loves kids dearly. You don't know. I just think it comes down to treating someone you have a romantic interest in as you'd want them to treat you.

Finally, I think it's a different situation when you're not dating for Mr./Ms. Right. If your long term goals aren't going to match up, it's better to let people know ahead of time before they get attached & hurt because you don't want to do what they want to do (especially if you're the guy). For me, relationships just moved faster & were shorter when I was single and not living in the Northeast. When you know you're not going to be someplace forever, you have a different perspective on things & you just have to be more efficient than these conventional articles tell you.

Maybe there should be some type of dating article for people who are not living in the place they plan to put roots in. Time is of the essence there & casual dating's kind of the norm (though I personally was a one man kind of girl; I dated a lot but I never slept with anybody as part of a harem since we redheads don't like that & being one, I felt that if I was as good as guys with knowledge claimed I was [as endorsed by Manswers & general convention on redheads] then I was more than enough for them). While this ethic isn't limited to natural redheads, a natural redhead would feel like you were eating fast food hamburgers instead of the fliet mignon on your plate if you were doing that to her. She'd also think you're a total moron & not worthy of her. One of those points should be "If you're okay with your significant other sleeping with you & others at the same time, use protection & demand the same of your sex partners."

So I don't think you have to praise exes but consider their flaws. After all, they are exes for a reason, right? I'm sure the ex had something you wanted to do & (s)he wouldn't whether it was skydiving or a sexual position or even meeting each other's family members. Then if the current person will do it, you can appreciate the current person for giving you that. I also thank my husband for ridding negative associations with exes by going to places & doing things I'd last done with an ex.

To me, keeping that book is not an "I'm not over XYZ ex" issue. It's not like I take it out & masturbate to anyone's picture; if you're not doing that, I think it's perfectly fine to have a "what mistakes not to repeat" record just in case you become senile, get amnesia or plain lose your mind (which could easily happen to me though I don't think I'd be stepping out with some illegal who's got a baby mama & zero ambition like my former friend did). Anyone else?

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Everything's Going to Kill You So Why Bother?

This the take away lesson I've gotten from basic living. What truly prompted this was reading about a study that was done essentially saying that using sunscreen will accelerate your chances of getting cancer.

What the hell was the point of using it in the first place? To prevent skin cancer from the sun. This link is not to the article I read but the article I read said people should wear hats & stay in the shade.

But, wait! If you wear hats all the time, you'll get bald. If you put long hair in a ponytail all the time, your hairline will recede.

We can make this same argument for food. There are diet & sugar substitute products that are worse for you than the sugary version. They say too much soy is bad for you but you saw people touting that as a great health food (perhaps some still do). Then, if you don't have organic you'll just die but the price is ungodly so if you're poor or just frugal it's essentially a big "fuck you." I've hear of no effort to go reform this state of affairs or get subsidies so ALL can afford good food, not even from your biggest supporters of this movement. "Spend $5 on an organic pepper," & Bloomberg's latest campaign to ban larger soft drinks in NYC restaurants, theaters & venues are not solutions in my book.

Cancer runs in my family anyway & it sounds like I could easily get it just because my father is an inconsiderate smoker who never bothered to smoke outside when we were kids (since secondhand smoke will kill you & cause cancer just as much as being an actual smoker will).

I'll be super pissed if I end up getting lung cancer later on despite not being a smoker in my entire life (why anyone in NYC would buy cigarettes in the city limits, I have no idea since the price is utter extortion; the South is the place to buy them, particularly NC where you can see the tobacco fields when you drive in the suburbs of Winston Salem).

Then, you have an increased risk of breast cancer if you don't have a child. But if you have a child, your uterus will probably droop (my sister did not need to tell me about that; I was already convinced that parenthood was not for me). Plus, you have to take care of that (to quote my Family Law professor) "puking, mewling rugrat" for the next 20+ years if not longer.

If you didn't want that kid or the responsibility of parenthood, you will not like being given dirty looks by the likes of me for next 10 or so years because you refuse to parent your child & let him/her behave like an anti-social hell spawn in public. Maybe your child will end up getting choked like this kid did. I also think that kid had it coming & if it was my parents, he'd probably be dead or castrated if his parents were useless deadbeats like it seems far too many are today. Castration might be inevitable for this kid if he treats women like that when he's older.

If the overall stress of parenthood doesn't kill you, then the breast cancer apparently will. But at least the childfree will have their own money to treat the breast cancer.

Doesn't it sound to you like everyone's going to die of cancer if they don't become casualties of the zombie apocalypse or the massive uprising against the 1% & the Christian Taliban first? Maybe some of those casualties will be suffering from cancer at the time.

It also seems you might as well die instead of fighting cancer with all the stories you see about everyone being broke & having medical bills drive them into bankruptcy. Fortunately, I know people who had cancer & apparently haven't become financially devastated as a result but you do have to wonder.

So my thoughts are that sooner or later, I'm apparently going to have cancer like everyone else. If I'm going to end up with cancer no matter how I live or what I do, what's the point in all this needless panicking & craziness in life? I understand & support doing basic stuff like not getting X-rays without wearing the lead shield or putting on sunblock so I don't get painful sunburns (damn pale skin; one drawback of my appearance).

However, I'm not having kids I don't want to raise or permanently wearing a hat. I'm also not spending a trillion dollars on food I don't even like for the sake of preventing health problems. I will also eat what I like, organic or not so long as it's fresh.

I'm from the school of moderation on most things. I don't drink so much but that's because of alcoholism being so thick in my family & not wanting to prove my father right (who I'm still somewhat indifferent toward) by becoming just like him. It took going to college to see that not everyone is an asshole drunk. If you see me drinking on that once in a blue moon day, it's either because I'm uncomfortable & don't want to say something offensive or it was free and I'm taking some obligatory small amount for a sample.

An attorney friend of mine did pose an interesting idea, though: alcohol at live attorney CLE events. That might make dealing with the company of other lawyers more tolerable. You know, perhaps that's why you see alcohol at many lawyer networking events. Maybe they need it to cope with the overbearing asshole lawyer stereotype crowd since the nice, caring crowd either doesn't show up or has other people to talk to. Not to mention some programs aren't fun at all & I'm sure drinking helps make them more interesting for some folks.

I saw an odd infomercial product just for holding your wine glass at networking events. They talked about it on a special episode of World's Dumbest called World's Smartest Inventions. I'd think lawyers would jump all over this one. That episode was hilarious though, with the note pillow & the plant with messages on the leaves. If they sold some that said "Go fuck yourself," "Give me your money," or some other humorous gems I'd be more interested. I think it was also the one that had the dog forks with the woman who made them & seemed to take it just a little too seriously.

Perhaps if pot became legal, we could add getting stoned to the menu of attorney events as well. I stay sober since for one thing, someone has to remember all this stuff & if I see something particularly odd or interesting, I'll have to tape it for posterity. I'm also much more fun sober. Maybe some lawyers already show up stoned to events (hopefully not to court)? I don't know.

I figure if I get cancer, I may have to go & get a prescription for it but then that means having to live in California. Seriously, tax revenues folks. Let's consider that in the legalization argument. You can't cry broke & then turn down things that would make money. That's like my old undergrad rejecting donation money from the guy who runs this huge adult store (legend says this happened anyway; the top brass denied but considering what we knew about this school, I wouldn't be shocked if it was true). Beggars can't be choosers, you know?

At the end of the day it seems like everything will kill you. Even stress from being a lawyer, toxic relationships, too much booze (and if I get liver problems, I WILL be pissed), etc. I'm going to keep eating what I want to eat, damn it. For the same reason I moved to NYC & as I told my mother when she was unhappy about me moving to a major city, I'd rather live a short, happy life than a long, boring one. Wouldn't you?