Sunday, August 11, 2013

Signs of the Inevitable

For years, I've lived this struggle between maintaining private figure rights & accepting that I look as I do and will likely get opportunities in the entertainment industry because of it (it's happened already). People suggested I create a Facebook fan page, for instance, because of doing things on my own creatively and having fans.

Until Friday, I was skeptical of doing that for myself. I wasn't sure I actually had any fans other than current Facebook friends & some networking contacts. Why would you need a fan page if all your fans already know who you are & might be privy to details you have/share on your personal page?

That changed with doing modeling & having pictures posted publicly. I had 2 different random people send me friend requests who had no connection to any pre-existing friends, industries I work in and weren't people I remembered meeting recently. One had even sent me a message asking me which model I was in this one shoot I did.

Not wanting to give the option of "fuck off" or being in the same realm as actual friends/contacts who I don't mind knowing the personal details of my life (I'm not even sure my life is THAT exciting but it probably will be more interesting soon), I figured it was time I created a fan page. This way, I could correspond with and talk to people as me, the creative. Me, the person who is doing modeling pics in underwear (as part of a professional job, thank you, not me going to the bathroom & taking underwear shots with my iPhone). Me, the person who writes this blog & has opinions on things in life.

I'm a private person. I don't trust people easily. If I bother to confide in you even slightly or want to talk to you about personal stuff, feel honored since you're part of a very small group. I have also done 2 other modeling shows since the first one & did go out in underwear. That experience was also liberating, didn't feel uncomfortable and I didn't feel exploited while doing it. In fact, most people complimented how I looked or understood that modeling isn't the same as real life & is part of a show just like any acting performance I might do. Plus, it's not like I was in a thong or doing nudity.

A fan page also made sense to avoid having my husband want to kick guys' butts for complimenting me in modeling pictures. I know fan appreciation when I see it.

This is probably the climax of what else happened this week. In short, got some potentially life changing news, did more house cleaning by ridding myself of a hateful loser who will never be and figured out that I may be doing even more house cleaning.

Here's a question for the filmmakers, performers & those in the entertainment industry with even a remote type of public profile: Do you have to be an orphan to maintain artistic integrity?

I ask this since it seems a certain type of family insists on censoring adult members by scolding them for social media status updates. In this case, it's overly religious families and perhaps Southern families as well. My husband got a comment from one of his relatives about my modeling pictures and how she didn't what I wrote in my blog. My blog based on MY opinion & feelings on things. MY blog that has a following & where people have encouraged me to speak freely, be myself and all that good stuff.

My husband, great guy that he is, told this relative that I'm an adult & have free speech rights. With a nickname like "the enforcer," what do some people expect from me? Do they think they're going to tell me what to write, what to think & what to feel for me to listen to them and not do whatever it is that offends them so? Do they not have any self-control or options NOT to look at things? NOT to read things? Maybe not try censoring my art or my artistic voice?

Sorry but telling someone they shouldn't say or do something related to an opinion or feeling is an attempt to silence my artistic voice. Telling me not to speak or debate something is telling me to be some mindless robot & anyone who knows me well knows that's not who I am.

I've had with the tyranny of family! You'd think I was a web cam girl or working as a stripper with the general commentary on me doing underwear modeling for a fashion show. I was pondering yesterday how in the world real life adult entertainment people put up with this. I also wondered about stand-up comedians and remembered the one whose mother-in-law sued her because she didn't like a joke she made. I also recalled Margaret Cho's reaction when watching the commentary to an episode of All American Girl when her character is doing stand-up & her family is offended. The character gives up her stand-up career for the family while Margaret Cho herself says if her family asked her to do that or got offended by some joke she made, she'd tell them to fuck off.

As part of my new life outlook, I've insisted on honest relationships with people (including family members). I insist on family seeing me as who I am today, not what they wish I was or who I used to be. I've outgrown pretending & lying about things to cater to closed-mined, prejudiced assholes who don't love the real you. To me, it's too much work, too much effort and life's too short for it.

Maybe part of this also comes from never having older generation relatives that I respected or who really showed much love to me. It's very hard to recognize abusive family members & rid yourself of their abuse, especially if you grew up in the same house with them. However, I think Dear Prudence is right in saying that being old shouldn't entitle someone to be an asshole to their family or have their nastiness catered to by their families. I swear, the more I read that column & about the family problems people complain about the more resolute I am in my recent choices.

Life is not worth surrounding yourself with haters who want to tear you down, see you fail or drag you down to their level instead of striving for things on their own or helping themselves get ahead. I don't think I'm special for having done what I did; I was just determined and felt like life was way too short to settle for mediocrity or unhappiness. You don't get a hundred do-overs for life (unless you believe in reincarnation, of course, and that doesn't mean you'll still be human when you come back). I figure if Margaret Cho would do that, then why should I cave to the tyranny of family?

It feels like I'm going to have to get used to being alone in a distinct sort of way. Celebrities have talked about this feeling before & remembering it now, I feel like that's my future. My husband says he 100% supports me in my career; I want more people like that around instead of those who don't get it & just want to turn me into a little robot who has no independent thoughts or feelings.

One of these days, I'll feel settled in my personal interactions but I really wish I knew when that day would be.

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