The last time I was single, I had a few problems with guys refusing to leave me alone. I didn't want to tell them where I was or what I was doing for fear they were going to show up & bother me. To get rid of the 2 ex-boyfriend turned stalkers I had (one even went to my parents' house on Thanksgiving & left this wrought note about how his life was nothing without me, among other things), I had to tell one I had a boyfriend and the other that I was attending law school in a different state from where I was actually going.
For those of you who haven't had them, let's define what a stalker is. A stalker is someone who refuses to leave you alone. Someone who can't go live their own life & allow you to live yours. Oh, no! That would be too much for them.
Let someone go about their merry way & NOT bother them? God forbid!
I consider stalking as banal as saying "hi" to me at an event when I don't want to talk to you & have made that abundantly clear. When I cut you out, you are to be dead to me. I don't want to know you are still roaming this planet or NYC or wherever I happen to be.
One of my biggest pet peeves is someone still trying to talk to me when I have A) blocked them on social media, B) blocked their phone number, C) blocked their e-mail, D) said "I do not want to talk to you anymore," E) got my personal property out of their place or F) did anything that would make a rational, sane person say "You know something? She doesn't want anything to do with me. Maybe I should leave her alone."
Another huge pet peeve of mine is guys getting way too damn clingy & saying things that they have no grounds for. Case in point: I go to a networking event weeks back. Being where I am in life right now, I'm not as prompt in follow ups as I'd usually be. I go to networking events with the express purpose of networking & making business contacts. This is the same reason I use LinkedIn.
I DO NOT go to these events or use LinkedIn to have guys hit on me, call me "babe" (outside of a general entertainment industry context where they just call every female or everyone that) or declare their love. In the past week, I have had a total of 5 guys harass me or declare feelings they've got no business having.
1. A former friend/person I had an involvement with who has long since been blocked, told "I'm not interested," that kind of thing approaches me at an event. It startled me & frankly I didn't want to deal with it so I dashed off.
On my way to find someone more desirable to talk to (usually a cute guy by himself), I get a text message from another guy I had no interest in. This one revealed himself to be a Jesus freak & the thing that made me not want to speak to him further was his little sermon on the evils of pre-marital sex. The genie is out of that bottle, dude!
2. The Jesus freak says "hi," despite the last conversation where I said he should find someone more suited to him & his beliefs than me since he was not going to "save" me and I knew way too much about the Christian faith to be swayed by any attempt to make me into the frump they'd all love.
3. I go to a fashion show & meet a guy from Italy who says he'd like to learn American English. He instantly asks me if I'd want a serious relationship alongside telling me I'm "beautiful" and how great my eyes are. Had a friend with me I was trying to help forge business contacts & he was going to contact this guy.
The next day this guy is sending me text to e-mail messages & veers away from polite, normal topics into "I need your love. I need you."
Uh, no you do NOT "need" me!!!!! You had a 5 minute conversation with me after a fashion show & I left since my ride for the evening had to go. No way did you get to know me well enough to assess whether you "need" me or not.
If you get emotionally attached to someone that quickly, there is no hope for you in this life. There is definitely no hope for me if that's how all guys are going to react to me.
4. I get a connection request from LinkedIn from this guy who is a diver & has a mutual contact. Generally, I'm liberal on who I accept connection requests from on there since you never know who might be a useful or beneficial contact. If it's not someone trying to have a million contacts they never speak to, I'll generally approve. After all, you're getting the vanilla version of me on there so it's not like someone's going to be overcome by the vapors by having me as a connection. A Facebook friend, perhaps but NOT a LinkedIn connection.
Recently, I had to add my picture to my LinkedIn page. This is because I got a sponsored ad from Avvo offering very good terms & used my headshot pic that is on my company's website as well as my IMDB profile. I figured it wouldn't hurt to maintain some consistency.
I'm still very resistant to having a profile pic on there & I suppose this most recent experience illustrates why.
No sooner than I approve this request, I get a message asking me if I'd consider "a serious relationship." He talks about true love flourishing, calls me "babe" & tells me to respond to his personal e-mail address if I am interested.
I wrote a response a few days later since at first I'm thinking "Was I just propositioned on here?" Who calls a woman he's not married to or dating "babe" in a LinkedIn message? I'm also thinking to myself "Is this guy offering to be my sugar daddy or something?" I've gotten quite a few in-person offers for that stuff that I may have mentioned before. How, I don't know. I did nothing particularly special, just be myself & show up. Maybe it's part of 2.0 stuff & the new order.
5. Yesterday, while I'm going about my business & dealing with tasks at hand I get an e-mail from a guy I met at a networking event ages back. He sends me a pic of a rose & says "i remember you very week...i think of you every days, please reply to me."
Then he signs off with "Kisses"
I want to know: what the holy fuck?!?!?!?
First off, I might be pretty & I might be a great conversationalist with a sense of humor but I'm not so sure it warrants that type of reaction. Men falling in love with me in 5 minutes by just having a conversation with me & not even seeing me naked? I'm highly skeptical of that claim.
I at least had sex with some of these stalkers & maybe a reaction like that afterwards is understandable. Not to brag or anything but natural redheads have some skills & I'm not exactly a slouch in that department. I could very well have spoiled a few men in my time. More than one has told me I was "the best [he] ever had."
Some of them shouldn't forget it since it seems lots of women are either super freaks or stone cold frigid. There's very little middle ground or "lady on the street, freak in the sheets" types.
I also realize there are some sexually deprived men. That's a situation I feel some sympathy towards depending on how long that's been happening. It's not always the ugly or average guys, either.
Second, I don't believe in love at first sight. In fact, I don't believe in love at all. I feel it's a term guys use when they really mean they are in lust with you. Apparently falling in lust with me is so easy, I don't even have to try to get that reaction. They seem to take one look at me, have a short conversation & BOOM! One more man enamored with me for some reason; this is why I have a Facebook fan page.
Third, I hate clingy guys just as much as your typical guy hates clingy girls. My first boyfriend Psycho Boy was such a clinger, I'd have suffocated if I'd stayed in that relationship. I felt like I was gasping for air at times. Let me tell you right now clinginess is NOT endearing, charming, flattering or romantic.
I view being clingy as the emotional equivalent of a tick on your skin. Maybe even a tick on the side of your boob like a fellow camper I bunked with once had to deal with. She couldn't even put a shirt on to go across the way to the counselors' tent. We had to go tell the counselors she needed help without having to go into graphic detail (since we liked our tent mate & weren't trying to embarrass her). Ticks are painful, always end in places you don't want them & they just cause you unnecessary stress, strife, aggravation, you get the idea. That's how I view a clingy guy.
Again, middle ground. Take an interest & give a damn if I live or die (vanishing from the radar means you will vanish from MY radar since there are always other guys & friends who contact me). But you don't have to call or text me every hour, on the hour. Once a day or once every few days is okay. I understand you have a life. I do as well. Respect it & we will be fine.
Clinging to me tells me you do NOT have a life, that you will shape your entire existence around me & I won't be flattered but will end up terrified when I need to get out of your basement b/c you have decided to kidnap me (hopefully not literally since figurative kidnapping is bad enough).
Fourth, don't beg me for sex. I think it's pathetic when a guy does that. Not sure how guys feel about girls doing that but I sure won't do it. I have never had to beg for it & I sure won't now.
I'm thinking of an episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche is out with this guy she tried to sleep with & never did. Her "the one that got away," if you will. She goes out with this guy, despite him no longer being the hottie she knew in college & finally gets fed up after asking him for the upteenth time if he wants company and gets rejected.
She goes off on him & informs him that he may not want her but she will damn well find a man who does. After she does this, she leaves the restaurant they're at and 4 guys follow her, including the check and this guy dining with another woman! At this point, I could see something like that happening to me if a guy rejected me & I'd had enough.
Finally, I like my space. In particular, I like my emotional space. No, I LOVE my emotional space.
People need it from time to time, especially when they are going through what I have but I loved my space even before that.
Those who need their space will understand what I'm saying here & those who don't will never get it. We people who love our space just need to find others who also cherish their own space & understand why you don't want to be joined at the hip 24/7.
Sometimes, I just want to be left the fuck alone. If I'm bleeding due to girl stuff, I REALLY just want to be left alone. It's called "Stay out of my face. Do not bother me & definitely don't engage me if you don't want to get injured or hear me say something you won't like."
Could anyone possibly tell me why all this stalker mess? I want to know why. Why are they all stalking ME?!?!?! Where are some rational, normal, non-clingy (but still caring) guys who also have a professional background & some ambition in life?
Aren't there other women for these guys to bother & send these impassioned "I need you" notes to? Surely I can't be the only attractive woman in NYC with naturally red hair, a career, ambition & looks. I'm not the only model; let's balance out some of this stalker shit.
Plus, I have yet to see any super hotties be stalkers. None bothering me have ever been the kind of guy women would throw their panties at "just because." Now maybe it's just that guys I find attractive haven't been the stalker type since I'm sure looks have zero to do with a guy becoming a stalker. Please tell me there are hot ones guilty of it as well.
Some of you might think "Oh, I'd love to have stalkers." No you don't. If you wanted a stalker, he wouldn't be a stalker. He'd be a guy you want to do naughty things with. Another downside to being pretty & I'm not even famous at this point. God help me if that happens. I'll need a full security staff with military gear.