"Passion First" vs. "Money First" People & Things You Don't Say to Creative People

It feels like there's two different mindsets among people in life. There are the people who are first motivated by passion and then there are the ones who are first motivated by money. It's the type of thing that leads to huge conflicts, especially when you deal with creative people.

Living in both of these worlds, I have no idea how we can distinguish why particular people have this mindset. I do have my theories on the "money first" types, though. First off, not seen those people confront death in their immediate family at an early age. I became more motivated to follow my passion when my brother in law died suddenly at 21 when I was 22 and trying to get accepted to law school somewhere outside the Southeast.

Second, I haven't seen those people really have a passion for anything. You get a sense that they're just going to slug it out at any old job paying enough for their purposes, have no real enjoyment in anything & then die sooner or later. For me, that's depressing as hell. At least do something you like, even if it's in your spare time.

Third, the true "money first" types are more than happy to tell the "passion first" people to try shoehorning themselves into holes that simply do not fit them for whatever reason. I have had to confront this in my own home, which no one should have to deal with.

Finally, the "money first" types hate their lives & what they do. Perhaps they recognize the bleakness of their own existence that I mentioned. Unfortunately, I've seen quite a few operating under the old "misery loves company" umbrella & try taking everyone around them down with them. It's these types I have been excising from my life since that shit doesn't work in modeling, where I plan to utilize as many opportunities as I can get.

Dealing with a lot of personal issues lately. At least I did find out my immediate family is still with me but I'm not so sure my husband is truly with me. He makes me wonder at times, especially with certain comments I've gotten recently. For instance, he apparently thinks I sit on my ass & do nothing all day since I don't have some full time job that provides me with a W-2. I look at opportunities & take advantage of networking while he outright told me "networking is a waste of time" and refuses to do it. My husband is a bit of a misanthrope; he'd even admit it to you. He's not the type to go to fashion events, while that's totally my thing. In some ways, I missed out on things since I lived in NC and never got to do entertainment stuff until I graduated from law school and moved to NYC.

I could deal with his having different interests from me and having other friends. That's fine and I think that's healthier. We don't need to be attached at the hip; no couple should aspire to that. Just remember that if you get married, your spouse's problems become your problems. I had no clue just how much this was the case until my husband became outright despondent over his job situation & started taking it out on me. It seems he falls in the "money first" crowd while I'm part of the "passion first" crowd.

I wasn't actually part of the "passion first" crowd until later on in my life. I think maybe it started with my brother in law's death or when I learned there was such a thing as entertainment law. Yeah, I think it was when I learned there was such a thing as entertainment law. I knew I would never be happy in the average law firm setting and had no desire to kill myself to be number one in my law school class. I also knew the power of relationships and "you can't take it with you" with my brother in law's passing and watching my sister's reaction to it while trying to take care of their son by herself. I vowed that if I ever found a love of my life (which I felt didn't exist), I wasn't going to let some law firm break up my relationship. I figured once I found the love of my life, it was going to be a set "forever & ever" thing. Who likes dealing with divorce & all the mess of break-ups?

But when you're dealing with 2 different mindsets and 2 different levels of ambition, you're going to have serious problems. As an older, wiser person I have to say don't marry someone who doesn't have some ambition unless you lack it yourself. I'm hyper-ambitious so being around people who aren't drives me crazy. Ambition seems to be one of those things like financial attitudes: they say if you're a saver, don't marry a spendthrift & vice versa.

My husband is from a "money first" family so I feel some concern that this attitude has rubbed off on him way too much for me. My family has its own flaws but no one ever told me I couldn't bother having dreams, ambition or sights outside my hometown. Eventually, they stopped having any moments of doubt in me when I said I was going to do something. I have continued on my not seeing people in my husband's family since their comments to him since I refuse to go anyplace where I am not welcome & have yet to receive an apology from anyone. What's the point in that? None of these people are co-workers, pay my salary or are sharing public transit with me. To my mind that means there's no point in putting up with their bullshit or disrespect. We'll see how my husband handles this & if he respects what I told him long ago about how I would not put up with abuse from in-laws (it was a chief reason I refused to get married).

Call me jaded, an old soul in a young body, whatever but I'm done putting up with people or situations in my personal life that I don't have to (and family is not a "have to" thing in my book since I am not raising children; even if I were, I think we should teach children not to put up with emotional abuse or rudeness from people who are supposedly there for you all the time & your #1 cheerleaders). I'd rather be done with that relationship and emotional tie than deal with negative feelings and situations arising from certain people. Common parlance would call this "cutting toxicity out of your life." That shit is toxic to an entertainment career as well & I know it would mess me up in other ways. Goes back to the wanting people around me who are going to bring out my best, not my worst.

So you "money first" types can have more peaceful relations with the "passion first" camp, here are things you shouldn't be saying/doing to those people if you want to actually be in their lives:

1. Implying that their careers are invalid because they aren't earning a paycheck for it. I've done quite a bit that means far more than a paycheck & has boosted my industry reputation.
2. Asking when they're going to "get a real job."
3. Assuming that if they are at home, they don't actually do anything. I'll have you know that I spend most of my days on the computer following up on messages, networking, reading up on current events, writing, looking for paying work, updating my social media (since if you're going to have fan pages & a website, you have to update those on occasion), doing legal work, organizing my e-mail/files/etc. Then there are those domestic tasks I'm asked to do like dishes, paying bills, feeding cats, moving the car, figuring out dinner, etc.
4. Equating being at home with being a leech. A leech is someone who does NOTHING; a leech doesn't network or go to events or try to stay current on anything. Vacation is a concept unheard of to the self-employed & definitely to many creatives.
5. Calling them lazy or unambitious (implying it also counts). Let me tell you something: it's damn hard to follow your passion if you work in this business. The majority of people working in this industry take far lower pay in exchange for doing something they love. Serious actors and other creative types constantly spend time on their craft with classes, shows, networking, etc. Ask yourself how much networking YOU have done lately. Let's see how many contacts you've forged.

Oh, and every career advice article out preaches the gospel of networking & tells us that "it's not what you know, it's who you know." The people who have the contacts win out every time.

Let's also not forget the fact that creatives think outside the box & reach out to people in ways you'd never bother with since you're stuck in the conformity box. I, for example, don't go around being needy or trying to impress any potential employer. As far as I'm concerned, you need to be selling me on a job just as much as you expect me to sell to you.

6. Pestering the person because they haven't made money after a certain set time period. Entertainment industry success is a marathon, not a sprint. Tons of major movies took years to get made (for instance, Avatar took 10 years).

No creative I know thinks any of these acts are cool. I know I don't. It just makes me lash out & want to tell you to go fuck yourself. It also leads me to brand you as a jealous hater. Yes, we know the people who do this shit are jealous since they don't have a clue of the big picture & would rather drag us down to their level.

Now I'm not speaking of people who were told by industry pros that they have no skill at something or need to do something & just won't bother. You have to be a little realistic if you're going to work in the creative field & please, have some talent or go develop it. I'm talking about people who have some talent & a track record, who have signs that they should be doing this.

The irony is every single thing I've been doing in recent times circles back to this industry. I even got a recent paid freelance job with someone who works in this industry. If you read all my stories about how this industry comes in even at the most mundane times and when I'm doing something completely unrelated to entertainment, you'd have to notice the obvious and glaring signs in front of you. I already saw them & decided not to ignore it like some would have me do (i.e. people who aren't my friends & who I most likely didn't choose).

We'll see how things go & I did decide to look into marriage counseling (since some of this is being piled on top of all the BS I've already had to deal with in recent months, which I think is a shitty thing to do to someone). However, the old fire is definitely still there & I feel the same as I did in college i.e. NO ONE & NOTHING will stop me from doing what I want to do. I also won't be violating my own principles or things I said I'd never tolerate & that's just the plain truth. My sister decided to look into it to deal with her own marriage & as far as I know, things are okay with her. Therapy is helping me, after all.

Getting Professional Services: Elitism or Smart Planning?

Until a little over 2 weeks ago, I had never had someone not related to me do my laundry. Until Friday, I had never had a professional massage. Until yesterday, I didn't appreciate the talents of a Manhattan hair stylist that charges an arm & a leg to cut your hair.

If you're a woman, you totally lose on the haircut game. If you have long hair, it's even worse. Men can go & get $5 haircuts. Women are lucky if they can get one for $20, especially if they've got long hair. I went to one hair place in my area to use a Lifebooker deal I bought & those bastards tried charging me $15 extra for having long hair. Not a single one even complimented my hair color! See why they're bastards? That's a compliment I get at every single hair salon I go to. In fact, that's one of those ways I have to determine if you are indeed a credible hair person; if you aren't complimenting my hair on its thickness, health and/or color, it tells me you're not really hot shit at it.

Let's go back to laundry, though. One of the household tasks I hate doing is laundry. That & washing dishes, extensive cleaning and anything that forces me to undergo muscle pain or lift heavy items. I recently weighted myself & learned I was less than 105 pounds. In fact, I was 102 about a week ago! Muscle woman, I am not. Nor should anyone pester me to become it. I feel like "Isn't it enough that I'm an attorney, a business owner, an actress, a writer, a singer & a model? Beauty AND brains! Why should I also have to be brawn?" I've also asked my husband and others those very questions though some never want to recognize that beauty & brains are plenty, a lot more than what many women have.

I already shared my basic stance on cleaning; I do what I need to in order to avoid infestations & feeling like I live in a dump. I insist on my house feeling like a home, not a museum. Rigorous cleaning regimes just aren't happening with me & I don't think it diminishes me as a woman to refuse to engage in them. Maybe I'd make a shitty suburban wife but I have never wanted to be one anyway & my being one would lead to my story ending up on Deadly Women or some other ID (Investigation Discovery) show about a woman who has affairs, kills her spouse/lover/some other person or does something else scandalous enough to end up on one of those shows.

Lately, I have grown extremely disenchanted with doing laundry. First off, I hate our local laundromat with a passion since it's in my neighborhood (remember, I have zero community pride in light of the incident at the library), the jerk doesn't have air conditioning on during hot summer nights & wants to suffocate us all & you have to hang out with people who are maybe 1-2 steps above your average Wal-Mart customers in a meh neighborhood a.k.a. screaming children ahoy with lazy parents who do nothing to shut them up (in fact, these screeching kids are out late at night when my husband would typically be there to do laundry). Second, I'm less than 105 pounds & not He-Woman. I'm not the person to recruit to haul laundry or much else to places. I end up miserable having to lug things around & cranky because I had to put in contacts just to go to that laundromat and deal with that environment. Side note: don't ask me to help you move unless you're just moving items weighing less than 20-25 pounds. Third, by the time the laundry is back at our house we don't have time to sort it. If you wait, you get deep wrinkles in your clothes. Then there's the sock sorting, underwear folding, etc.

My husband sometimes does laundry at his parents' house but I'm not speaking to them at this point (this was also referenced in earlier posts). No one has yet to apologize or claim that I in fact DO have an artistic voice, 1st Amendment rights to speak my mind, and that my career is valid regardless of what financial rewards I get from it. Our latest film is screening at the Calgary International Film Festival as I type this. I even have my first journalistic writing gig acquired from the fact that I write this blog! Classic example of using a blog to form a distinct personality & lead to career opportunities. I'm looking forward to it; will post a link if it all works out and I get one.

So with that situation and my attitude that you shouldn't be going to your parents for certain routine things in your 30s, I felt like the time had come to see about outsourcing the trouble of doing laundry. I had no clue how much it was going to cost us but I found a good place that served our area & had a 5 star Yelp review. I finally got to use it 2 weeks ago & afterwards, my thought is "Why didn't we do this sooner?" It was quite cheap with a 15% discount and I think even without one, it could still be affordable to us per month & not really run us much more than doing it ourselves would (washers & dryers at the laundromat cost money, driving out to Long Island costs money, detergent/dryer sheets/etc. cost money & then there's the labor costs). Add it up for yourself & figure out if it works for you. I'm going to insist we keep up with it for our own collective sanity & value of time. If it sounds elitist to say having a professional degree means your time has some value, so be it. I absolutely think it does. Just told my family about doing this & they even agreed that it was better for us that way since our time costs money. If I had a washer/dryer at home like they do, I'd opt for that but since it's not an option for me it seems this is how you do it in city living.

I also found getting a professional massage is not the same as getting one from your lover (unless, of course, your lover is a professional masseuse). I have never dated a professional masseuse & the number of guys who have given me a massage is not a question I could answer off the top of my head. I know not all my boyfriends did that. Plus, a massage from your lover is supposed to be for getting in the mood. That's not the purpose of one from a professional.

I had the opportunity to get a free massage recently. With all the shit happening to me in the past few months (just realized yesterday my father hasn't even been dead 4 months yet), I felt I needed a professional massage or some type of spa experience. I also read a friend's Facebook post about the good feeling of getting one & thought she was on to something. Generally, they are not cheap. However, since I got the opportunity I figure something de-stressing would be the way to go for me.

Another fact about me that's probably not really shocking: I have a hard time relaxing. Call it the type A personality tendencies in me or my paranoia or my being an attorney; my brain can go a hundred miles an hour where I don't miss a beat. I also tend to do better if I'm busy & in some ways, thrive off it. This has always been my nature even back in middle/high school.

So, I went and got a great massage experience. I wrote a great Yelp review on the place, would totally recommend it to others (since finding places that are quality for beauty services is apparently a challenge in NYC, even in Manhattan where you'd think it wouldn't be) & once I can afford it, will totally indulge myself on that again.

Interesting fact #2 about me: I don't get my hair cut all that much. This is mostly since I think it costs too damn much to get it done. I haven't had a regular hair person since I lived in NC; I never actually got that done in Atlanta, though my hair was a lot shorter when I started college (me with short hair has triggered varied reactions from people though I never got it short enough to have the back of my head shaved). I wish I knew a great beautician who wouldn't charge me over $20 (including tip) to do it. That's something I'd love to get (maybe I should also get a friend who's a professional masseuse). You'd think I'd have those friends but I don't, at least not yet.

I was asked to go on a grocery trip by my husband, though I'd gone out quite a few other days that week. A little annoyed at having my ability to sleep late interrupted, I thought to myself "If I'm going out to Long Island anyway, why not finally go get the haircut I'd been meaning to get after this last fashion show?" I opted to do just that & picked an affordable place I'd been before where the stylist had not fucked with the basic template of my hair set out by a really great stylist at the Manhattan salon I went to beforehand.

I drove there, only to find it'd been closed and was absorbed into another location. The other location was taking the coupon I had but A) it was far more convoluted to get to than I'd expected (I nearly got hit trying to negotiate the parking area to get to their shopping center) & B) the cut the stylist gave me wasn't really what I asked for. I now have 3 layers in the front, which I didn't ask for, have never had & wasn't really sure about. I just wanted the angled cut I got with the stylist in Manhattan & that the second stylist I saw continued. It makes your face & hair look softer, according to the pros who did it & as a working model my hair has taken on new importance.

Decided to solicit opinions on the new hair from friends & family; so far the verdict has been good but I'm thinking maybe I should go to the other evening events I was invited to this week (an Entertainment Committee meeting on Monday & an exclusive entertainment/fashion networking event on Wednesday) so people I know from both the fashion & legal worlds can see it and give me feedback.

I'm not sure if it works for model me; long hair seems to be an asset in modeling, especially if you're a white woman. There aren't lots of short haired white models that I've seen. Granted my hair is still past my shoulders but it is shorter than it was; I was sporting hippie length hair before though it will never get to waist length even if I never get it cut (this really disappointed me when I was a child since my ex-friend had waist length hair).

Perhaps this cut is going to be an acquired taste for me but I think next time, I'm going to a pro in Manhattan. I know 2 of them thanks to Lifebooker (one even works in the entertainment industry).

I figured it's one indulgence I ought to get considering my husband spends far more on comics in a year than I'd spend on my hair (which might get cut 3 times a year tops) & I could probably write off my haircuts as a business expense since now I'm doing modeling. The prices in Queens aren't much cheaper & from my experience, service is better in Manhattan. I can also get to salons in Manhattan more easily.

I usually get my hair cut a lot to get rid of split ends. The funny thing is every hair person who does it tells me it's healthy. It was easier when I had curly perms since it frizzes like nobody's business but I guess my drying regime isn't killing it, which is a plus.

Possibly unusual fact #3: I don't spend time styling my hair. I just don't have the patience for it & I'm no beautician. I want to comb it & be done with it.

Maybe I'll put it up or have a hair accessory in it but I don't want to spend my time trying to curl it or something unless I'm going to a special event. I also don't wear make-up all that much these days though modeling has given me a greater appreciation for it. I likely wouldn't wear make-up for work unless it was for acting or modeling.

I actually think cosmetology is a great field to know. People will always be vain & shallow about their looks. You also can't outsource that job. Plus, you can save a fortune if you know how to do your own hair so that's something I think people should go into as a trade.

I realized that outsourcing laundry & all totally makes me sound like the typical NYC professional. Guess in some ways I am. It's not something I'm ashamed of or all that unhappy about. I don't know that it's truly elitism to say you don't want to do your own laundry; maybe that's just honesty. Now I just need to figure out how to not have to pay to do dishes after I cook.

General Musings, Part 32

Another one so soon, you may ask. Well, lots of things have been going on lately in society that I do have some opinions on & I figured this was the best structure to vent. Plus, some of these are based on things I've already mentioned in this blog (for instance, being a sorority member). So, here goes:

First off, further proof that if you have never lived a situation you should shut the hell up about it. Does anyone else find it funny this guy's name is Ron Johnson? In case you don't, I'm thinking of the show A Different World. The character on the show (whose name was Ron Johnson) was a serial playboy who was known for going through women like an alcoholic goes through alcohol until he got some character development in the later seasons. I also fully agree with the author's views & his further advice. Pat responses from idiots get on my last nerve, no matter how well meaning they might intend this "advice" to be. Apparently, he's never been to a middle class area & would get eaten alive in the inner city. Any inner city people want to debate on whether this Ron Johnson would last longer than a day in your area?

The first letter in this Dear Prudence column reminds me of the song "Too Much Too Young" by the Specials. It practically reads like the lyrics of the song: You done too much, much too young. You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me.

I've said it once & I'll say it again: that song should be the childfree anthem. In fact, The Specials have some great songs. I definitely relate to many of their lyrics like "Racist Friend" & "Rat Race." Plus, there's "A Message to You Rudy." I actually heard "Too Much Too Young" for the first time when my husband & I were watching a season of classic Saturday Night Live on DVD. One lesson to be taken from this letter: if you're not 100% sure you want a kid, don't have one! You can't put it back once it's come out of the birth canal.

Now I didn't read this whole series but I wholeheartedly agree with this point. If the food restriction people aren't acting like assholes, we're cool. Not acting like an asshole means:

1. Not making comments about the food on other people's plates. Such as telling meat eaters about how beastly they are & are killing animals. That's their prerogative, much like it's your prerogative not to eat meat. You don't get to tell me or other grown people what to eat.

2. Not assuming the host knows all about the foods you can & can't eat. I didn't grow up with vegans or people with special religious rites concerned with their food. The South is not a place for such things. I've told people that my food isn't fat free or healthy so if you're looking for that, don't eat my cooking. If you're vegan and coming to my house for a meal, you're going to have to bring your own food or your own ingredients & make something for yourself. I don't mind trying vegan food & if you don't tell my husband it's vegan, you might even get him to eat it.

3. Not assuming I know the first thing about making something you're going to eat that fits your food preferences. See number #2.

4. Not preaching about your diet and how the rest of us are evil, corrupt, selfish, stupid or whatever insult you care to heap upon us mere mortals for not following YOUR regime. Again, your freedom of choice ends with your own stomach & perhaps that of your minor children.

I like the "bring your own food" tradition if YOU have the special diet. Maybe you could end up getting people to try your food if you bring enough as long as you aren't preaching about it all the while.

My husband is a hardcore, unapologetic meat eater. I'm shocked he's not a member of that People Eating Tasty Animals group. He is rather strident toward vegetarians and vegans since he did experience the preachy types before; I'd hope he wouldn't be a jerk to a non-preachy type but I make no guarantees. See why I said you can't tell him something's vegan or meat free if you want him to eat it?

Speaking of the birth canal, the judge's actions here truly pissed me off as a woman and as an attorney. This judge sounds like my late uncle who had a sexual relationship with his 15 year old stepdaughter. He claimed she initiated it. I hope he's being investigated for this since not only does it pervert the whole concept of justice, it tells all young women that they can be raped and adult men will never be held accountable (even if they are in positions of authority over the women in question). I also hope this girl's parents had some words or did something after she killed herself over this; I could see my parents being livid if that had been me or my sister.

Reading this, I thought "Amen & Hallelujah to that!" I've been saying it for years; I'm glad it's not just me. In fact, being someone from NC it's my fervent belief that you are a monster if you subject the general public to a total lack of air conditioning in the summer months unless you live in Antarctica or Alaska where you will never need it. Climate change is here, folks & if the temperature is about 70/75 degrees, you'd better have that air conditioning on or be prepared for bad things to happen. I know how I react to excess heat & people in the South are also known for being more temperamental & violent than folks from the North. This is why I don't perform a job or do anything where I'd be subjected to heat in the summer (such as cooking or working in a small space with no air conditioning). No one needs the lawsuits or my redheaded rage.

This story hit home for me. I found out my sorority does not have a chapter there so I can definitely confirm something I know about it; we have NEVER been a "white" sorority or discriminated in membership based on race. My particular chapter was brand new when I was in it & we were looking for members generally. Being from a minority group would never factor into the equation of whether to extend a bid or not. One sister in particular outright said that if our group did that, she'd report the offending sister to campus officials. After she said that, I said I'd also do the same. Sisterhood is not about what race someone is. Apparently, some people's alumnae don't get that. You have to wonder if those people are total bigots.

I can assure you they couldn't have gotten much from the sorority experience since one of the things I & other girls got from it was interaction with people who had different experiences, personalities, perspectives and so forth from us. Even though our individual sisters weren't clones with the same circumstances, we still had common goals and a common bond through the sorority. Heck, that's what sisterhood is all about if you ask me. That made going to school away from my hometown or high school classmates valuable; I met new people & got a diversity of thought/perspective/what have you. I think diversity should be praised and encouraged in sororities while the membership gets their freedom of choice (for instance, not making the gamers take someone who hates gaming). Are happy mediums no longer a concept anyone grasps?

In one answer to that question, consider this recent action from the French Senate. Honestly, I would be perfectly fine with child pageants where the kids can't wear swimsuits, make-up, high heels, have corporate sponsors & the like such as the "mini-miss" pageant mentioned in the article. I'm sure most parents would be more willing to put their little girls in pageants like that.

Could you imagine how freaked out people would be in America if kids were banned from being in pageants? At least Toddlers & Tiaras would have to go off the air. That might disappoint people I know, though. I was in a high school pageant but never had to wear a swimsuit or put in fake boobies in my dress. I guess we figured the audience went to school with us so they'd know if a girl with an A cup suddenly had a C/D while competing in this pageant.

I think a total ban is a little strong, though.

So that's all the rant I've got in me today. The husband is bugging me to get off the PC (which we criminally need to get fixed ASAP & I'm about to go nuts about). Ciao.

The Tyranny of "Putting on a Happy Face"

So big things have been coming up on the horizon. My film company's latest feature film was accepted to screen at the Calgary International Film Festival. For those who don't know, let me explain the significance of this:

Have you heard of SXSW (South by Southwest)? It's this big indie film festival in Austin that happens every year & has a big music festival associated with it as well. If you're not hip to the indie scene, you will hear about SXSW endlessly on IFC (the Independent Film Channel). A friend of mine who, for his part, is not exactly a film expert wasn't familiar with SXSW; I swear that guy needs a film education & I have half a mind to be the person who gives him one. If you mention SXSW to someone who works in film, chances are they have very much heard of it (as have I).

Well, it seems getting into Calgary is a bigger deal than getting into SXSW. As in, it is huge & could mean a life changing experience for my company as well as me the person since I'm part of the company. I already have seen the impact of us having our present reputation & I feel like this could bring us into that space I both feel honor and fear about being part of.

To think, I remember us trying to get into SXSW & not being successful.

It's that whole conflict between having a private life & privacy vs. working in an industry where you're going to be high profile. Modeling works much the same way as well as some of my other work. Some days it's like "Damn it! I look like this & have creative talent so people keep asking me to do all this performance stuff."

Now I love writing, acting, singing, modeling; it's in my soul. I never even thought I'd be doing modeling at this point since I figured those days of eligibility had passed. As I've said, every girly girl wants to do it (me included) but I figured I'd have no chance due to living in NC, going to college & not being willing to go homeless to make it happen.

When I went to law school, I definitely didn't bargain on getting my partnership at One Way or that I'd be getting listed on IMDB. I thought maybe I'd get to do community theater if I had time; I'm sure other people figured I'd be a lawyer & never get a creative break. It was one of those dreams you figure would be great to get to live but based on the normal progression of things, you violate it so there's no need for you to consider it could happen.

The problem is, if you're too good at being creative and you get known you will get press. Now I'm not badmouthing the press here; it's not their fault human nature is what it is. Getting press means you get fans & haters. The fans are never bad to have but you have to worry about the ones who take it too far (the stalker types). The haters are a validation you're doing something right but if you're controversial, you've got to be a very strong person & put your 1st Amendment right to speak ahead of people who'd love to silence you.

The haters are what cause this tyranny of putting on a happy face. Do you ever see anyone well known who tells you about the bad stuff or is honest with it? I feel like getting known for things & having a fan base can mean you never get to have a bad day. You never get to share your upset or even your true feelings if they aren't shiny, happy or socially acceptable since too many people will be waiting to knock you down.

Don't you hate that? It makes a career where your brand is based on who you are a tad hollow, right?

You also learn who your real friends, supporters, fans and the like are as you go up the ladder to success. You have to see the problems, who's going to weigh you down & who's going to bring you up. Deep stuff.

At least the good news is I'm not required to be a saint or perfect in my own brand. I get to say when I'm having a bad day or when something is BS (I have a duty not to condone BS, especially in my industry). I'm actually doing a fashion show tomorrow, have things going on career wise that a lot of people would kill to have for themselves (developing the modeling direction might end up being a smart move on my part) but have a lot of personal shit I have to worry about. When you have death in your immediate family, it's something that lingers. It's not like "Oh, well," and you move on like it never happened.

Today was a big manic depressive episode. I'd interviewed for this job before Labor Day & finally got a status update on it. The job itself fizzled out due to fallen deals (it was entertainment related). That was a bummer to me; I also feel like it sums up so much in my life. This is not the first time I've had such an event happen, not by any means. I was thinking "God forbid I could finally have a steady paying gig! How much longer am I going to have to deal with this & things like MIA interviewers?" No one I know has had the types of stories I have concerning vanishing jobs & offers that went nowhere.

Just another "what the fuck?!" moment that seems to just be me. I'm selective in what I pursue or who I talk to so it's not like I'm unprofessional when I do interviewing. I feel like it's a definite sign from the universe that my company is going to be successful & I shouldn't bother pursuing other jobs, especially outside the entertainment industry. The question is, when is the universe going to deliver on the financial rewards? It seems I'm great at giving the illusion of success & people must think I live in a mansion or something when that couldn't be further from the truth. Unfortunately, a great reputation doesn't pay your rent or your student loans. I wish it did. I also felt like I needed to cry at some point; I don't really cry all that much & as a rule, I won't let people see me do it in public. I have only cried in front of a select number of people; those people only get to see it if they agree not to hold it against me later.

I later went to therapy, got cheered up some there, came home, set up the laundry service (since I hate our local laundromat, hate having to deal with my clothes being filled with wrinkles when I put them away & really hate the manual labor involved; I felt like paying for it might end up being worthwhile to save the time, stress and energy of doing it) & then got a phone call to have a meeting tomorrow before this fashion show I'm doing tomorrow evening (a show for Fashion Week, which I figured I'd be no part of as this newbie model who isn't devoting her full time to it). It could mean a chance to take this modeling thing further & getting to do bigger events. I have no issue with paying work & none with travel if I don't have to foot the bill for it. I have supporters outside NYC who might actually go to a show I was in if it was in their area.

I sort of feel like there's this 5'6 hate going on & I have no shot at professional modeling but I could be wrong. Others in the field did tell me height wasn't the end all, be all I thought it was but time will only tell if that applies to me or not.

So the question here is how do you keep your own identity intact without having to be everyone's happy face if you aren't known for your straight talk? I honestly feel like being open & honest is a way of having a more authentic & honest relationship with people; perhaps inspiring them to do things or feel like "Hey, this person isn't perfect. I don't have to feel inadequate or intimidated of him/her." If you ask me, we should share our trials & tribulations instead of storing them far away.

There is No Love for Redheads

Seriously. There is NOT, even among so called people who claim they have love for us. When I say "us," I mean the real redheads. People who had to grow up with the hair color & deal with life's slings, slights and insults. You can't actually get my color out of a bottle (if by chance you do, let me know what dye it is since then I can compare your hair to mine & share the news with my childhood family since they'll want to know) & those who know me say I epitomize much of the lore. I certainly have the temper, the skills and the sensitive skin my husband says hates me.

First off, I was in a fashion show last week & in need of false eyelashes. False eyelashes are a bit of a novelty to me since mine are pretty long naturally. My mom outright envies me for mine since she says I'd never need to wear mascara. I rush to the local chain drug store located on the same street where I'm hosting City Bar's off night show that evening. Do you think I find any for redheads?

HELL NO!! You can find them aplenty in black or brown but red? Why not just ask to buy plutonium or edible underwear in an XS or the answer to the meaning of life? I think I'd more likely find the answer to the meaning of life in a chain drug store than I would have found fake eyelashes for redheads. Is it any wonder I mostly shop online when I have to get something?

Then I learn about this website through a Facebook friend who was in a redhead appreciation group. I decide to take a look around since I am the demographic this website claims to "love." I discover something about applying to model for them.

Take a look at this page & tell me what's wrong. Still looking? I'll go ahead & tell you.

They require professional photos of redheads applying. Okay, I can manage that having done these shows recently & getting quite a few professional photos, a few by myself in fact. You even get a nice full view of my body in many of them. I'm pretty sure some of the guys who've seen them have totally drooled. Actually, I know they did since some outright told me I looked sexy in some. I like to think it's within the bounds of good taste & a classy sexy, not a slutty sexy that's going to damage my enforcer cred. Who says I can't be sexy?

They ask some questions. Okay.

Here's the problem: they require you to pose in THEIR product before deciding if you can model it. There's no free shirt or any offer to get one in order to do this.

Instead, you have to pay a minimum of $15 to buy one of these shirts. After shipping & sales tax (depending on where you live; the good state of NY loves to charge you sales tax for online purchases at every single turn), you're looking at spending closer to $20+ just to be considered to model for these people.

What the fuck?!?!? In the fashion shows I have done & in my modeling experiences, no one demanded anyone to purchase their product in order to be considered for posing with them. No designers, managers, no one AT ALL that I know is legitimate.

This site says nothing about paying models for their work, offering shows or anything of that nature. In fact, Model Mayhem outright forbids people from posting castings where anyone has to pay money to be considered!

This is akin to charging a job applicant money to apply for a job. We'd call that a scam. This is not even recouping your investment like paying the $25 photo fee with Central Casting where one day on an extra gig will pay that back & give you extra.

I wrote the people on this site about this. They claimed no one had complained, they'd "always done it this way" and totally tried telling me that was remotely acceptable.

For a site that claims to "love" redheads, this natural redhead says they are full of shit. Maybe they'd gotten no complaints because the women who'd applied to be models weren't lawyers in the entertainment industry. Maybe they'd not gotten professional models who know the deal & that this is bullshit no one should be subjected to. Maybe they've only gotten applications from rich people or the spendthrifts of the world. Some of us actually work for a living & don't go around wasting our money (hi, there). Granted, if I were left to my own devices I'd probably end up some old woman who died alone with a million dollar estate b/c I'm seriously frugal & keep things until they are literally falling apart but that's another story.

These people have only earned my contempt & certainty that they aren't professional. What celebrity would want to associate with someone who is classist to women who might want to model but can't afford to buy a shirt of theirs for photographing purposes? Who would want to deal with someone whose casting offer wouldn't be kosher on any professional job search site for models? I certainly do not.

I also don't feel like helping or benefiting someone who'd charge me to even consider me for something I'm more than fucking capable of doing & probably a hell of a lot better than any fake redhead. When I complained about this policy, I pointed out what I do in a general description. Smart people know a potential business ally when they see one & tend not to go around pissing them off. In fact, I can identify an entertainment professional by how they treat me.

I don't ask anyone to brown-nose to me or kiss my butt but I do get close to that treatment sometimes. All I ask for is basic respect and recognition of the reality of who I am and how it might affect them. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that it might be foolish to piss off the entertainment attorney, especially one who is unique & different like I am.

I also don't think my mentioning what I do makes me a threat maker; it makes me a realist & a strategist. Googling me would just lead to that information anyway so why not mention it in advance in the hope of A) making the person I'm contacting more apt to talk to me or B) taking some of the fear away by showing that person I'm a real human being instead of some cold machine whose name triggers the sound of thunder in the distance anytime it's spoken. Gee, psychology proves that you're more likely to talk to & befriend people who are like you. If someone can prove there's commonality, you're more likely to follow up with them. Applying that principle is far more helpful than some basic form letter everyone is used to seeing. Take it from the person who got a lot of contacts by just being herself.

By that token I will not be apologizing or hiding my success for anyone. I'm damn proud of it! You would be as well. I don't know any other successful person who hides that fact or tries to shame themselves over it to make some insecure jerk feel more comfortable. It's not my job to coddle or cater to someone else's shitty feelings about themselves. That's the very reason I did housecleaning in my life. Having a passion is far more important than a pile of money & I'll die far happier having that than I would a sack of money doing something I hated.

I also think we can all be successful in life without having to step on others to feel good about ourselves. My friends' success, for instance, does not diminish or take away from mine. I don't get jealous or envious of other people since I don't know their circumstances & they might very well ask me to help them on things.

Speaking of which, maybe I partially won the war. I'm now talking to my childhood family again on a more limited basis & I like to hope that maybe I've been able to assert myself as an adult and get treated accordingly.

I was in a blue funk starting last night & going into today but this evening made me feel better. Making cookies I was craving, venting to a friend (thought I only ended up talking to him b/c of the need to discuss a business matter) & being around creatures I like such as my husband and the cats are a great antidote. Guess that dream I had this morning where my family came to visit and sprung Psycho Boy on me didn't help my mood either. I remember totally losing my shit in this dream & we were living in a house.

Basically, I feel like my life is "hurry up & wait." It's also in a holding pattern & I hate that. I like to be active & feel like I'm doing something productive, particularly in the direction of financial rewards. Sitting around & waiting for things isn't something I do; calling me ambitious might be an understatement. I also don't do things at the last minute & get pissed if you spring that on me, especially if I'm not being paid to have that kind of availability.

Hopefully, things are going to get better. I like to think a friend of mine is right about holding true to my standards & how someone out there will appreciate and respect my skill set. I just feel like you live by your standards/code or you've got nothing.

General Musings, Part 31

The drama that is my life continues. My husband told me outright to go to a therapist & after more things happened (let's just say the chickens have come home to roost on something millions of Americans face but wouldn't really want to admit to), it felt like even the most anti-therapy person out there would hear of my experiences & tell me I ought to see a therapist. Let's face it: once you've had your entire life shift so dramatically in such a short time, you either see a therapist or go on a shooting spree. I'm too enraged as a person to commit suicide without taking some deadbeats down with me for the good of society. My last noble act, if you will.

Also, meet my friend Lindsay Lowe. She told me she admired me for going through the things I have but I feel like she's far more worthy of admiration than me. She's an awesome, talented & creative person who simply deserves recognition for her awesomeness. See her site if you want to know more about her.

Noticed a few stories in various places it's definitely time to comment on. Here goes.

This is a verdict that makes me happy. Maybe part of it is the constant rebellion I had against the Mr. Bones of the world. You know that school administrator: the one who acted irrationally & seemed better suited for running the Taliban than being responsible for the care of school children. A classic authoritarian through & through.

I hated authoritarian types back to my high school years. See earlier entries if you want to read about some of those antics. Defending someone's right to wear a bracelet like that would be right up my alley for multiple reasons.

This was also an eternal question I had myself. My mother even asked this when we were in school. I remember her thinking it was a stupid concept as far back as middle school. She may have even remarked on the non-punishment aspect of it when we were in elementary school. From this answer, it sounds like good old fashioned laziness is to blame.

I fully agree with this sentiment. I'm not just saying that because I can find my size at Victoria's Secret in both clothing & bras (you try doing that when you're naturally underweight, have a little height & vanity sizing is favoring the fat girls among us). I wish they'd sell more of their clothing in the stores since they have some nice dresses, shirts, leggings & the like (the shipping costs bother me on a deep level & I'm not wild about the regular prices but the sales are good). I also can't stand the whole puritanical sentiment that permeates through the comments of the detractors. Perhaps modeling has just made me even more rebellious against that whole puritanical culture since I had to deal with it so much as a child.

For now, I've resumed communication with my mother but I'm done with my sister. My sister even dared to tell me how I feel like she resides in my brain & knows my thought processes then tried to pull the "I won't let you have a relationship with my kids b/c I don't agree with your life philosophies" card. I wonder how I'd be treated if I were a web cam model or posing in Playboy or doing adult films. I figure I'd be all alone in life if I were doing that, even if I had to do that stuff to keep from being homeless or having everything I worked for go down the toilet. Incredible that some people have treated me like I have been doing such things.

I refuse to play that little game; if I played it, I know I'd eventually end up in a burka figuratively & maybe even literally. My sister claims my nephew was asking about sexual stuff & if he could see things.

Is it just me or should someone say, "Try being a PARENT & explaining that stuff to your kids without making sex a dirty, evil thing." I feel like that's the appropriate response (a discussion on appropriate sexuality), not telling that kid's aunt to dress like a nun when she doesn't even dress like a stripper getting ready to go on stage in modern times. It's also telling my sister got the same message I did growing up about how sex was this bad, shameful thing you should never do unless you're married. You later learn your parents aren't saints & are actually flawed people (some much more flawed than others). If I hadn't gotten out of NC, I'd probably still be screwed up on that point & definitely far less happy than I am today (oh, not just on THAT front; get your mind out of the gutter!).

You know, maybe I've overcome gender bias on cleaning. I don't really give a damn what people think about such things when it comes to my house. I'm not even close to a slob. In fact, I'm probably more of a neat freak than anyone in my childhood family is or was. I have a lot of organized clutter but I can account for most things. My husband once worked as a custodian so he knows a lot more about cleaning than I do. In fact, I think he has higher standards of cleanliness than me when it comes to some things. I'm just not interested in killing myself to make my home so clean you could eat off the floor. I hate doing dishes & I refuse to spend my days cleaning since I've got a life but I won't leave anything that will attract bugs, stinks or makes it impossible for me to clean up later.

Being childfree might also have something to do with it but my basic attitude is if you think my house is a mess, then don't come over. I'd rather not be subjected to the white glove test when someone visits. I also don't tolerate drop ins, implying that if you do you might see things you didn't want to see (and you just might; I've heard stories about parents seeing their kids in the middle of things no one wants to see their kid engage in & the kid not stopping).

I'm still shocked MSN did a story on this. Are you?

Then there's this question. I don't definitely know why lawyers are hated. I haven't really experienced that in my career since people in entertainment generally like & respect lawyers. I can only tell you what I dislike about particular lawyers or the stereotypical groups.

I wonder if these people ever reneged on this. Honestly, I didn't follow the whole "lean in" stuff & really don't view myself as following a formula for doing things in my career (at least not consciously). I adamantly refuse to read the book or give this woman press. I also agree with people's comments that Slate is just as hypocritical as anyone else. Considering the whole stepped up enforcement on unpaid internships, I hope anyone doing it who could actually afford to pay folks & doesn't gets slammed for it. They just make all organizations look crappy & classist by continuing that system. I know I view them as being classist.

At least there are upsides and good things going on in my life, especially on the business end. Let's just say I've gotten 100% definitive signs that there's no good reason for me to throw in the towel on the entertainment career or anything I've worked many years to develop as part of my brand & identity. The day is definitely coming & the people who weren't there will certainly not get any kindness from me. The haters have already gotten their walking papers & the fakes have been replaced.

Just remember that even if you're in your darkest moments, you should never change who you are or be something you're not to please some jerk who could care less if you lived or died or if you were happy or sad. Average employers (the ones who seem to populate the majority of Corporate America), I'm looking at you. There are plenty of employers out there who would take you for who you are & even view that as a plus. Life's also too damn short as I can verify with this shitty summer; why spend your time being miserable?

Signs of the Inevitable

For years, I've lived this struggle between maintaining private figure rights & accepting that I look as I do and will likely get opportunities in the entertainment industry because of it (it's happened already). People suggested I create a Facebook fan page, for instance, because of doing things on my own creatively and having fans.

Until Friday, I was skeptical of doing that for myself. I wasn't sure I actually had any fans other than current Facebook friends & some networking contacts. Why would you need a fan page if all your fans already know who you are & might be privy to details you have/share on your personal page?

That changed with doing modeling & having pictures posted publicly. I had 2 different random people send me friend requests who had no connection to any pre-existing friends, industries I work in and weren't people I remembered meeting recently. One had even sent me a message asking me which model I was in this one shoot I did.

Not wanting to give the option of "fuck off" or being in the same realm as actual friends/contacts who I don't mind knowing the personal details of my life (I'm not even sure my life is THAT exciting but it probably will be more interesting soon), I figured it was time I created a fan page. This way, I could correspond with and talk to people as me, the creative. Me, the person who is doing modeling pics in underwear (as part of a professional job, thank you, not me going to the bathroom & taking underwear shots with my iPhone). Me, the person who writes this blog & has opinions on things in life.

I'm a private person. I don't trust people easily. If I bother to confide in you even slightly or want to talk to you about personal stuff, feel honored since you're part of a very small group. I have also done 2 other modeling shows since the first one & did go out in underwear. That experience was also liberating, didn't feel uncomfortable and I didn't feel exploited while doing it. In fact, most people complimented how I looked or understood that modeling isn't the same as real life & is part of a show just like any acting performance I might do. Plus, it's not like I was in a thong or doing nudity.

A fan page also made sense to avoid having my husband want to kick guys' butts for complimenting me in modeling pictures. I know fan appreciation when I see it.

This is probably the climax of what else happened this week. In short, got some potentially life changing news, did more house cleaning by ridding myself of a hateful loser who will never be and figured out that I may be doing even more house cleaning.

Here's a question for the filmmakers, performers & those in the entertainment industry with even a remote type of public profile: Do you have to be an orphan to maintain artistic integrity?

I ask this since it seems a certain type of family insists on censoring adult members by scolding them for social media status updates. In this case, it's overly religious families and perhaps Southern families as well. My husband got a comment from one of his relatives about my modeling pictures and how she didn't what I wrote in my blog. My blog based on MY opinion & feelings on things. MY blog that has a following & where people have encouraged me to speak freely, be myself and all that good stuff.

My husband, great guy that he is, told this relative that I'm an adult & have free speech rights. With a nickname like "the enforcer," what do some people expect from me? Do they think they're going to tell me what to write, what to think & what to feel for me to listen to them and not do whatever it is that offends them so? Do they not have any self-control or options NOT to look at things? NOT to read things? Maybe not try censoring my art or my artistic voice?

Sorry but telling someone they shouldn't say or do something related to an opinion or feeling is an attempt to silence my artistic voice. Telling me not to speak or debate something is telling me to be some mindless robot & anyone who knows me well knows that's not who I am.

I've had with the tyranny of family! You'd think I was a web cam girl or working as a stripper with the general commentary on me doing underwear modeling for a fashion show. I was pondering yesterday how in the world real life adult entertainment people put up with this. I also wondered about stand-up comedians and remembered the one whose mother-in-law sued her because she didn't like a joke she made. I also recalled Margaret Cho's reaction when watching the commentary to an episode of All American Girl when her character is doing stand-up & her family is offended. The character gives up her stand-up career for the family while Margaret Cho herself says if her family asked her to do that or got offended by some joke she made, she'd tell them to fuck off.

As part of my new life outlook, I've insisted on honest relationships with people (including family members). I insist on family seeing me as who I am today, not what they wish I was or who I used to be. I've outgrown pretending & lying about things to cater to closed-mined, prejudiced assholes who don't love the real you. To me, it's too much work, too much effort and life's too short for it.

Maybe part of this also comes from never having older generation relatives that I respected or who really showed much love to me. It's very hard to recognize abusive family members & rid yourself of their abuse, especially if you grew up in the same house with them. However, I think Dear Prudence is right in saying that being old shouldn't entitle someone to be an asshole to their family or have their nastiness catered to by their families. I swear, the more I read that column & about the family problems people complain about the more resolute I am in my recent choices.

Life is not worth surrounding yourself with haters who want to tear you down, see you fail or drag you down to their level instead of striving for things on their own or helping themselves get ahead. I don't think I'm special for having done what I did; I was just determined and felt like life was way too short to settle for mediocrity or unhappiness. You don't get a hundred do-overs for life (unless you believe in reincarnation, of course, and that doesn't mean you'll still be human when you come back). I figure if Margaret Cho would do that, then why should I cave to the tyranny of family?

It feels like I'm going to have to get used to being alone in a distinct sort of way. Celebrities have talked about this feeling before & remembering it now, I feel like that's my future. My husband says he 100% supports me in my career; I want more people like that around instead of those who don't get it & just want to turn me into a little robot who has no independent thoughts or feelings.

One of these days, I'll feel settled in my personal interactions but I really wish I knew when that day would be.

Cleaning House

Sometimes, we just have to clean house. Not just literally but spiritually as well. With all the personal shit I've been dealing with these past few months, I've found it necessary to re-evaluate things in my life & clean my house, so to speak.

I've also been reminded of the fact that in December between Christmas and New Year's I will have officially been out of the South for 10 years. That's not an accomplishment I take lightly considering I had to make my own way up here. I didn't know anyone before moving here. It's also one of the best things I did in my life since my emotional state & my spirit were so much better once I lived in Connecticut. I felt like my life was finally starting since before that, I was in a temporary state. A limbo, if you will.

That's one reason why I have tons of ex stories & experiences from college; part of it was getting an education in things my parents would never have encouraged me to learn or know about. You think if I'd lived with my parents I'd have gotten to date some of the guys I did? A huge part of me was feeling like my true future wasn't going to start until I got to NYC or found people who also wanted to live there like me. I felt like I was just killing time and preparing for my life, the one I chose and the one I made vs. the one inflicted on me.

I was reading a Dear Prudence letter from this week from a woman whose grown children didn't communicate with her as much as she'd liked (it's the letter signed "Abandoned"). Then I read comments about that one & a theme started to emerge: it seemed the people who still talked to their parents were friends with them in their adult lives. Their parents weren't "their parents." They'd had a friendship relationship with them.

I thought about it & it occurred to me that I'm not really friends with my mother. I'm not really friends with my sister either when you analyze it. There are things I absolutely wouldn't be able to discuss with them that I could discuss with most of my friends & we're way too different for there to be very much common ground. I wondered whether I would be "friends" with these people if I met them someplace or would have had them around if they weren't related to me. The answer is "no." In fact, our worlds would most likely never collide if you consider this objectively.

My mother was not the type you could talk sex ed with. If she'd had her way, I'd have gotten married a virgin & then just married everyone I slept with like my sister; perhaps I'd have even been frigid. My mother probably maintains to this day that if she'd had her way I wouldn't have gone to college in Atlanta. I see Atlanta as a partial refuge from some of the shit I had to deal with & got to live on my own, make my own decisions and as Janet Jackson would say, "I'm gonna be the one in control." In Atlanta, I was in control.

Had my mother been the kind of parent who wouldn't have the urge to throw scalding water on you if you'd dared to suggest abortion as a solution to an unwanted pregnancy, maybe I could have had a better relationship with her. At least, a more honest one.

My sister told me I was the favorite kid but I've never seen it. I think both she & my mother judge my lifestyle and the fact that I don't live in a prison of others' expectations. Since I don't see my mother (or even my sister, for that matter) respecting me for who I am and not making little cracks implying I'm a slut for not marrying everyone I had a sexual relationship with, I think we're at an impasse. It's creepy how my sister is starting to become more like my mother when she was quite the rebel as a kid.

Now I have decided the kids shouldn't suffer. I'll still get birthday & Christmas gifts for the niece & nephews since it's not their fault people in my family can't treat me with the basic level of respect they'd treat a total stranger. If family members refuse to give them those gifts, that's their pettiness if you ask me. If they trash me, that's also their pettiness. I think my oldest nephew especially will eventually see people in his family as I see them. I also got my mother something I told her I'd get her beforehand to not be a total bitch.

It's funny because it's not like my mother hasn't cut people off herself. She doesn't talk to most people in her family & doesn't really have an explanation except she doesn't want to deal with them. If she doesn't have to deal with people in her family, then why should I have to deal with people in mine? Why is "family" some sacred cow I have to follow but isn't for her or millions of other people who don't talk to their relatives for various reasons, good or bad?

I might look quite young but my spirit is much older. You have to remember that I went through big life altering, perspective changing events earlier in life than the average person. My spirit is in a state of fatigue with general acts of BS. I just don't have the will or interest in dealing with nonsense in any corner of life. I have no time or interest in chasing anyone or trying to make anyone like me or give a damn about stuff I do. To me, that train is moving along and if you aren't on it you probably won't get to hop back on especially as things are picking up in other areas of life.

I also recently got rid of a Facebook friend that wasn't really my friend. More like an acquaintance of my husband's. She decided to make a backhanded remark on a political issue I am extremely hard core about based on my personal experience; apparently, she's perfectly fine with illegals charging into the country & not bothering to learn enough English to be able to call the police or know when school is closing for the kids. I challenged her remark & she showed her true colors. I got on the defensive, de-friended & blocked her.

Then, she made the mistake of contacting my husband. He told her off & also de-friended/blocked her. Like a leaf falling from a tree branch, she was gone. It's not like she'd made any real effort to be a friend in the first place. And, gee, what is the title of this blog? When I friend people on Facebook or get requests from people, what's the first thing I say? What occupation do I have state licensing in? These should be blatant clues that I'm outspoken & you'd better not come to a debate with me without having some sound logic to back up your position. I'm also proud of my husband for standing by me this time & not trying to change or challenge me.

As a rule, I don't generally de-friend people for disagreeing with me. I'll listen to dissent but you have to present a clear, rational argument for why you disagree with me. You don't get to make backhanded, veiled remarks that might be a personal attack on me. You also don't get to expect me never to take a stand on anything. Jesus, do you WANT me to have a stroke, go on a shooting spree, or do something else crazy, destructive & generally bad for society at large? That's what you'll get if you try to impose censorship on me. It's also a major factor in my working for myself. At least some people appreciate me for who I am instead of what they wish I were or think I am.

I viewed this little exchange as just more cleaning house. When you're severing relationships with close family, it sort of feels like you've just gotten out of prison and had shackles removed from you after having worn them for decades. I feel like I'm rubbing my wrists and looking out at the horizon into a new life and future. I decided it was not my problem that my mother doesn't want to speak with anyone or take steps to help herself. I have my own life to live & my own psyche to consider.

Grief and all this is sort of funny. My career popping has been keeping me going & given me a nice distraction from all this mess; I've actually done more modeling, which has made me feel tons better. Friends have also been a help. The real ones who have some self-respect & don't spend more time taking from me than giving.

My mother claimed that I never let anyone make a mistake. Well, it depends on the mistake. Am I picky & critical? Yes. I won't lie. In my business, letting someone make one huge mistake can mark the end of a career and reputation you worked forever to build. There's also the question of remorse. Should I just be a doormat?

I've always felt people in my family have allowed the world to treat them as doormats, which I can't do. Especially for people who are supposed to have your back in the personal context. They're more important than the people you're doing business with & get to see the real you. I feel like a real friend isn't someone who makes you feel like you can't be "the real you" around them.

I also have high standards for myself and those who get the privilege of being in my life. That's how we should view people in our lives: privileged. If someone doesn't take that seriously, then in my opinion they don't belong in your life. If I'm making all the effort or doing everything, how do I know the person actually cares or if they just don't want to hurt my feelings but could really care less about me?

When I dated guys, I eventually adopted a 2 week rule. If a guy didn't follow up with me after a first date or meeting in 2 weeks, I'd say "Next!" and move right on. If I'd met some other guy within that time, I'd have probably said "Next!" even sooner if the second guy was following up & showing me he actually valued my presence. Comes back to the basic ethic of "Life's too short." It really is. For me, it's way too short to deal with bullshit. Even when getting dumped, I had a process for getting over a break up down pat. I only had a problem once when my sex buddy came along too soon in the grief process & made it take a week longer than it should have. See why my longest relationship with a guy in the same zip code before my husband was 6 months?

I think more people should view others' presence in their life as a privilege, not an entitlement or a right kind of how David Chase viewed the characters on The Sopranos (he said any of them, including Tony, could be dead at any time). I also feel more than justified in why those relationships ended since it allowed me to spot problems & articulate exactly what I wasn't putting up with in the next guy. I wasn't the type to linger in a bad relationship & I still wouldn't. I feel like it delays the inevitable.

These are reasons cleaning house can be a very good thing. At least as a writer and actress, I've got a lot of emotions to draw from and creative spark to work with. For me, those are good things. You've got to use tragedy and bad shit somewhere & I feel like putting them in a positive place is much better than wallowing in it.

When a Funeral Becomes Tragedy Porn

First off, it seems I have to define the term "tragedy porn." I told friends of mine that I'm finally finished with it & 2 of them were confused; one actually though I'd done porn! I also had another friend who thought my husband had died instead of my sister in law. I'll have to send her a private message later since I've got a lot to tell her but first, let me define this term. I hope I gave an explanation that really did it justice for those friends but in case I didn't let's define it.

You know when there's a tragedy the media will cover it excessively? For instance, when 9/11 happened you couldn't watch anything on television b/c of all the footage of the World Trade Center towers. Not just on news channels but EVERYWHERE. They had no news to report at the time but it was happening for days & days on a loop.

After a while, people felt like enough was enough. That is how I felt about this whole recent death thing.

If you've read prior entries, you know I'm no stranger to the death of close family members. I've been to quite a few funerals & recently had to help in the planning of my father's funeral. I know a thing or two about them & what's customary vs. overkill.

I had no beef with my sister in law. She was like my father in some ways. Unfortunately, she was like him in the sense of having addictions & not being a functional human being to quite a few people. I felt bad for her family since boy do I know what it's like to live with someone who has an addictive personality & addiction problems. She also didn't want to get help for herself, resulting in my husband not being able to have a close relationship with her. Nor did she seem to want to have a close relationship with him. Maybe them being from 2 different generations also didn't help matters (10+ years age difference) though you could never have called my sister in law unhip. I'm also sure she had to be a far better mother to her kids than my mom was to me since she actually had hard times in her youth, knew all the tricks & that teenagers are going to rebel. She didn't go around trying to fight that fact or damning her kids for all eternity.

She struck me as the type of mom who could handle any problem her kids might have without being a judgmental jerkwad, resenting them for being successful or harping on some issue for the rest of their lives. I never heard her being judgmental about or toward anyone & she actually argued with her mother with positions I'd take myself.

Plus, she appreciated my fashion sense & always made me feel welcome in the family.

My most memorable story of her was when she came to see our apartment with her kids & husband. She told us that our street was where she used to go score drugs. I always saw her as a hip older sister; perhaps had I been able to have a closer relationship, she could have been the hip older sister I never had.

We had the wakes yesterday & the funeral today. Here's where it becomes tragedy porn:

1. I had to go to BOTH wakes since my ride chose to do this. One wake was bad enough; I cried some in that one. You couldn't help it since you saw her in the casket & the slide show had recognizable music (including "Angel" by Sarah MacLachlan, the song most known for being played in those mistreated animal commercials). I will also never be able to hear the song "Always" by Atlantic Starr in the same way, though I thought it was sweet for the slideshow & fitting for my sister in law. After all, she had decent taste in music. She's the one who exposed my husband to great classic rap I didn't get to listen to until much later.

At least one relative told us the music included was just too sad for things.

Also, no one I have ever heard of a funeral for had 2 wakes. You got one wake; that was it. We had one wake for my father & my mother didn't even want that. In fact, my mother in law outright said she didn't want one when she's dead since she hates the fake concern from people who never bothered reaching out or contacting the deceased when (s)he was alive. She makes a very good point.

2. At the second wake, we had to be subjected to a pastor trying to proselytize to us. One prayer is one thing; it's another to be telling people they have to put their hope in God or bad things will happen (or imply it).

Newsflash, Christians!!! Not everyone plays on the God Squad or wants to.

Why should atheists, agnostics, Pagans & others who don't follow YOUR beliefs have to feel attacked and alienated when they go to pay their respects to a loved one? Particularly a loved one who probably wouldn't have wanted these people to be subjected to a sermon. I don't recall my husband being subjected to harassment from his sister on religious matters when she felt religious at a given moment. You don't hear about atheists or agnostics trying to shove their faith down believers' throat at their loved ones' funerals or using their speakers to deliver sermons & "save souls."

3. We were all sitting in rows of chairs in there while the body was out & with the comfy seats in front for the family. My husband was in a fuzzy situation since he was the brother but my husband's parents were in the front and, of course, you had my brother in law & their kids. My husband didn't want to be in front anyway so we opted to talk to other relatives and let them know we should be getting together under more pleasant circumstances & in less formal settings.

This is not something I've ever seen in the South & only with my husband's family (those are the only funerals I've been to up here). Again, I've been to a LOT of funerals. Our wake was in a large room, no chairs except comfy ones on the side. They also had comfy seats in the hallway so you didn't have to stay in the cold viewing rooms if you didn't want to be in there anymore.

Here you had the downstairs lounge near the office or had to stand in the hallway. There was also the option of going outside (which was also available at my father's wake).

I really hate that setup. It feels like you should see a speaker or a performance. If you're not, everyone just sits in dead silence, watches the slideshow a thousand trillion times and is encouraged to just sit like we're in some church sermon. At least in an open room, conversation will happen & people won't feel awkward about engaging in it. Plus, you know to keep your stuff with you or can put it in a comfy seat where no one is likely to steal it from you.

There's only so many times you can sit and view a slideshow that way before you feel like enough is enough.

4. This morning, we had to ride in rush hour traffic from our house about an hour away to then sit ANOTHER hour watching yet another slide show in the same room with the same seating setup. I was like "This is no longer a funeral!! It's tragedy porn! I have to get out of here."

I'm not sure whose grand idea it was to tell everyone to come in at 9:30 & then not bother doing ANYTHING until more than an hour later. That person should be forced to give me a free glass of pulpy orange juice & pay our gas costs for sitting in the crap we had to sit in to travel 2 counties away.

Not to mention my stomach was growling during all this while I'd eaten breakfast before I came (no orange juice so I was also sleepy & POed from getting up at the crack of dawn, at least in The Angry Redheaded Lawyer's world). When I get paid to get up at 7 in the morning, we'll talk about the early/lateness of the hour. Until I do, I'm sleeping in & you can keep your sob stories to yourself. Oh, and as a rule entertainment people generally keep later hours than everyone else when they get to make that choice.

5. We also had to take side detours to the homes in the town where the deceased lived. One of them wasn't even a residence my husband remembered & he couldn't tell you which one was her old home. As he pointed out, what is the good in that? The people who wanted to do that could do it on their own time instead of dragging the full procession there. Who were we burying, my sister in law or JFK? I'm shocked no one tried to have the full town closed. Who doesn't think that's self-indulgent?

No funeral I have been to in history EVER did this. My father's did not include a drive by of homes where nobody knew where they were or why it was the least bit significant. We had the good sense not to drag people to bad neighborhoods to wheel his corpse all over town.

We went straight to the cemetery & that was that. The nostalgia tours (which are totally for the living, not the dead) were not inflicted on our funeral attendees. Not to mention people have lives aside from funerals on a weekday. They have jobs, rush hour traffic & plenty of other things to contend with.

6. The funeral home staff seemed determined to drag this out for as long as humanly possible. We sat in our car for what felt like eternity before the tour of homes began. It was ridiculous & showed poor planning. We sure didn't have a long ass wait when we were burying my father; we got that show on the road.

I also don't remember our driver going slowly like this one did; my father would have been pissed if that happened anyway since he (as well as the rest of my family) was known for being a lead foot & someone who complained about slow drivers. We've all got some road rage & don't deny it.

7. Finally, there were about a trillion "final goodbyes" to the deceased. We had more prayers, put our flowers on the casket and you'd think we'd be done. The word "final" didn't have the conventional meaning here.

One big thing about every other funeral I've been to: you DO NOT get to hang around & watch the cemetery staff put your loved one in the ground or the drawer. No one ever hung around for it & we felt it was done, time to move on. The dead person isn't at that cemetery; they are gone.

Not this time. My husband & the other family members go over to the drawer to watch them load the casket in. I did not. Instead I sat on benches & looked at the dates of life and death for people in this cemetery. I noticed that a lot of people with Italian last names lived for far longer than most of my relatives, leading me to think longevity is apparently good if you're an Italian living in Long Island. Saw very few plaques for people who died younger. That made me mad since my family's longevity is not even close to 80s-90s; try 60s.

I was also done by that point. A person can't be around death & all that tragedy all the time, non-stop for days on end like that. You say your goodbyes & get the show on the road. Dragging it out like this was just picking at scabs & giving the wound no chance of healing.

I put my flower down on the casket, I went through before the first wake to say goodbyes, the end of the second wake & before we left for the procession. I did all my goodbye saying at the start; I didn't need multiple times for that. Sister in law also isn't a high rank on all this in my book. I wasn't even acknowledged in the obituary or to half the people who paid their respects.

At what point did this become tragedy porn for me? The second wake long before the pastor arrived & sitting around over an hour this morning like we were in church to watch the second slideshow.

So if you're planning a funeral, a few things to consider:

1. Respect for others. The world doesn't revolve around YOU. Think about what the deceased would have wanted. Would (s)he want the people who came to mourn him/her feel unwelcome at the service? Would the deceased want you wheeling his/her corpse all over town? Would the deceased want you to drag out the entire process & dwell on things, Catholic guilt or not? Most of us aren't self-centered, self-indulgent jerks who think everyone else should hang around the rest of the decade & watch the same tributes ad nauseam. How about some appreciation & respect for people who are taking time off their jobs, not watching their kids, getting up at the crack of dawn, braving rush hour, whatever to show up?

2. Demand your funeral staff to be efficient. We could have been told to show up an hour later & I could have gotten more sleep. Perhaps we'd have also avoided the traffic we hit to get there. Make sure they have their shit together & organize things beforehand so they're not running around for things or encouraging people who took time away from work & their own lives to attend.

3. If you must have a wake, don't do that seating thing unless you're bringing in a stand-up comic or others are going to get up & speak about the deceased most of the time. Don't force people to sit there for 30 minutes+ on end with the tribute on loop & zero access to food (since NY law supposedly forbids anyone bringing food or drink to a funeral home; what if they're toting a young child, I wonder?) or loud conversation with others. You could also be forgiven if you're bringing in a dancer, preferably burlesque. The people with kids should also appreciate this since however much we hate that mess, they have to hate it more since that's just cruel.

Imagine my autistic nephew having to do that; he'd lose his shit very quickly. In fact, his screaming would be a welcome relief from the somber, depressing atmosphere. Watching these younger kids interact made me feel a little better at the cemetery. Life affirming stuff, maybe? I don't know.

Younger children at funerals just make it feel better to me since they're not bound by the rules of decorum adults are & generally get to be their rambunctious, crazy selves without too many adults getting pissy about it. As long as they're not being bratty like pulling people's hair or knocking flowers down, they should be around to bring levity to the proceedings if the family refuses to have a celebration of life & insists on imposing the law of tragedy porn.

My husband had the nerve to tell me earlier I didn't know what it was like to have someone die & have unfinished business with them. I had to remind him he was wrong. I hope he'll take the advice he gave me before.

Also, I know I'm not a goth or like Harold of Harold & Maude. Maybe going to a funeral is okay if you don't know the person but if you do? It just sucks & it's worse when it gets into tragedy porn territory. I already told my husband I'm not going to any more wakes or funerals unless it's for immediate family or a very close friend (as in, someone I've bared my soul to who didn't run for the hills when I did). I can't do The Death Channel; some people seem to want to live in it but I can't. I like to live in today & have no regrets about doing a modeling gig on Saturday. I don't want to feel like my career & plans are being halted and derailed because of all this shit. I already felt like I lost the month of June with my family stuff; I don't want to lose this month or next as well.

If you're wondering if this changes my general feelings on family, it doesn't. I never signed up for sainthood & would never tell you I'm perfect. I also think it's extremely hypocritical to say "Family is who is there for you & what you create, not blood" while telling someone they shouldn't disown their parents b/c "They're your PARENTS!!!" When you feel about a family member the way Thelma Harper felt about her mother, I think it's time to move on (Mama's Family reference; she felt her mother was a critical shrew who never had a kind word for her & disparaged everything about her, her husband and her family--you also saw this play out in flashbacks). I can't wait to get the full show in October & probably relate to parts of it way too much. Mama's Family is not far off from Southern families I've seen (though it takes place in the Midwest, not the South), especially if the family isn't rich.

More Family Drama & A Necessary Decision

Okay my father has been dead a little over a month & a half, right? You'd figure the people who shared a home with him would still be grieving & trying to support each other. Apparently, that's not the case.

Last night, literally after we'd had a conversation about them visiting NYC next year, I find out from my sister that her husband was cheating on her. Or at the very least, he was considering cheating on her & doing things that I doubt any of you would stand for from your spouses/serious significant others.

He had the bright idea of messaging girls they both knew on Facebook, asking for pictures of private parts & asking for one girl in particular's phone number (as well as employing text messaging). I have no clue how my sister found out but I saw an alarming status on her Facebook page & was wondering what's up. I thought maybe it had to do with more nasty family secrets, one of her kids or even her marriage. With her marriage, though, I thought "Her husband goes to work & sleeps then has to deal with the kids. When would he have the time to cheat?"

He decided to do all this messaging while at work. Why he couldn't just get online porn or a subscription to an adult magazine, I don't know. Nor can I figure out why in the Hell he picked women that (as far as I know) aren't exactly model material. If you're going to ask for nudie pics, at least ask for them from a woman that would rank a 7 or better on a scale of 1-10 (putting aside personal preferences for hair color, ethnicity and other factors that differ from person to person).

I also don't know how my sister found out but she did & was angry. This also wasn't the first time he did this behind her back. I asked her if she had a problem with him having female friends in general & she said "No." I have guy friends & my husband has female friends.

The difference is none of my guy friends have ever asked for or gotten nudie pics from me (and since I'm not an adult model, none would be publicly available; I'm also not stupid enough to give someone something to blackmail me with, as a nude pic would certainly be).

Nor have any of my guy friends said "You know I love you" in a non-platonic way & my industry is known for beauty as well as informality. I've got no problem with taking a compliment or being told I'm pretty; that's not crossing the line with me, though my sister was also pissed about her husband doing that. Not even the guy friend my husband hates ever said "I love you" to me! I don't think I'd believe him if he did since too many people throw that phrase around like confetti.

Another reason this guy is a shithead? He decides to do this after they both get into debt on new cars. My sister obviously can't work when she has 2 little kids to care for & limited schooling to actually get a job, much less one that would pay daycare costs on top of whatever she made to help herself. She's also been out of the workforce for a good 10 years.

Oh, and he corresponded with one of these chicks on Mother's Day & the last one was a couple weeks after my father's passing.

Since this isn't the first incident, I keep thinking of the phrase "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

To make this story better, this man's mother (herself a divorced woman) has the gall to tell my sister she should put up with this shit & forgive him with no repercussions. Gee, what does that teach their kids? The woman is supposed to be a good little Stepford Wife while the man gets carte blanche to do whatever he wants? Apparently, she waited until she saw her husband in bed with someone to get a divorce. My own mother pointed out that if we didn't have social media & texting today, my brother in law would have been meeting up with these girls and eventually fucking them.

Right now, the timing of all this had me mad. But...it gets better.

My sister mentions the whole thing on Facebook & then some scum relative of my brother in law's decides to publicly insult her for expressing her feelings and views. This shithead apparently apologized before she deleted his post & I happened to see it. I was going to respond to this post but couldn't so I decided to send a private message, giving him a leg up over what he gave my sister. Sorry, you fuck with my loved ones & you're fucking with me. I illuminated that fact to this pathetic, uneducated moron who apparently didn't bother doing his homework on me. I forwarded his response to my husband, who agreed with this assessment. I later responded that this guy was out of my league & an idiot before blocking (I block as a preemptive measure since I've got no time or patience for bullshit).

Then, my brother in law makes reference to this on my feed & I commented my sentiments. After all, his relatives made public attacks at my sister with him doing nothing to tell them to butt out. Yet he has the gall to tell ME to do so. Yeah, me. The Angry Redheaded Lawyer. The enforcer. The person who's got much more education, means, charisma and contacts than this pathetic little shit who's related to Psycho Boy.

I stated that if HIS relative had not publicly been nasty to my sister, we wouldn't be having this conversation. But guess what, shithead? You mess with my sister, you're messing with me. He must think because my father isn't around he's going to get off easy & mess with us. He's sadly mistaken.

His pathetic family who has zero concept of the laws also tried to claim that my words were a credible threat. Ha! Any cop would laugh at you if you tried to claim that one. I live 1,000 miles away from there. I also have no travel plans to go down there & haven't made any considering I've got business stuff to do up here. Plus, I'm not going to the state of NC considering they've passed that nasty, sexist requirement on abortion clinics & essentially trying to have MORE deadbeats have kids due to lack of access to contraceptives and abortion. Aren't armchair lawyers the best?

You'd think my sister would appreciate having a big sister who didn't let anyone mess with her or treat her like shit. After all, who else would defend her? You'd be dead wrong.

Instead, both she & my mother had the nerve to tell me not to get involved but didn't say a word about the prior actions of my brother in law's relatives. My mother told me my sister said all this. I said I'm not going to let someone treat my sister like shit, end of story & he didn't call out these relatives. I also note that he didn't address my points about doing right by my sister or those kids.

I honestly predicted that reaction & it's made me come to a very important decision: disownment.

Yep, you read that right. You may ask why. You may try to claim "But they're FAMILY!! You can't stop speaking to them!"

WRONG!!! Some people are too toxic to have in your life. It's my belief that my sister & my mother are the embodiment of such a thing.

Let's examine the evidence:

1. Both tell me how to dress when I visit & have demanded me to dress a certain way before going places with them.
2. Both tell me not to speak on a matter while others are free to do so without any remarks or comment from either of them to those parties.
3. Both blame me for shit while others do far worse in a situation. My sister is still friends with the former friend of mine who tried to ruin her wedding. If I'd done that, I'd have been persona non grata for even thinking about it.
4. Both refuse to accept that I'm "the enforcer" or embrace it. Instead, they expect me to be some good little Southern Baptist who doesn't ever express a negative view, cleavage or a backbone.
5. Both refuse to accept that I'm a model or that I look as I do (which is thinner & prettier than everyone else). They wanted to "fatten me up" while I was down there. Does this sound like supportive behavior or like they want to drag me down to their level & resent me?
6. My mother even used to ask about my sex life & if I was sleeping with particular guys. This was when I was in college & over the age of consent.

As for getting gifts, I really don't care about gifts from anyone these days. I'm older now, have a lot of stuff & limited space in my home. Nor does anyone have the money or inclination to get me the things I really want like repaying all my loans or getting me stock. I don't spend holidays with my family since they live too far away & my husband can't get time off work. In fact, I wouldn't mind spending holidays with just me, my husband & our cats with perhaps a few guests who also have bad family situations and just want a nice place to go for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I'd also not mind having to buy less for Christmas. I'm not dependent on my parents & really haven't been since I've done plenty on my own. You could say I've succeeded despite my family situation.

You may say "What about your niece & nephews?" Well, I love them & don't want them to be fucked up but I've had it with this "one rule for me & one rule for everyone else" shit. How would they even respect me when they've seen their mother & grandmother step on me or refuse to let me do what I do best? They'd have to decide on that but cut me out & I'm sure there'd be resentment later on; I'm also not about to be a slave to my sister so I can have contact with them. If she thinks I'm doing that, she's dead wrong. My psyche & well being trump, plain & simple.

This has been building for years & I think now is the time to say "Enough is enough." If my sister can't be grateful for me standing up for her, I'll find someone else who appreciates me for who I am & doesn't let people shit on them. I can't care about someone & watch them get shit on so I'll devote my care & concern elsewhere.

I think maybe classism is figuring some into this. My family has the poor person's mentality; I do not. I never did, in fact. Would a 15 year old with poor person mentality have called up the EEOC like I did when I was applying to work at JcPenney? Would a 22 year old with that mentality have fought to apply to law school at the same time as everyone else? The answer to that is "no"; I never gave up on things I wanted while my family will give up in a second & not bother to assert themselves on important things.

Another way I think they're toxic? If I'd listened to them on things, that former friend who behaved like an asshole & is now the living embodiment of a Jerry Springer guest would still be in my life. My father would have had more opportunity to hurt me & emotionally abuse me and I'd be a stunted human being. I'd have also submitted to Psycho Boy & probably gotten a divorce after his coming out, complete with a body destroyed by childbirth and a psyche destroyed by children I didn't really want.

As an adult & getting far away from that influence, I've seen lots of things that make them not very good people to rely upon or take seriously.

Since my father's death, there's been serious thought going on in my house. My husband has been spurned on to do lots of things to improve himself & live life to the fullest. I've also had time to think very carefully about who I want in my life as I'm on this journey in my field.

For me, if someone's causing conflict or a problem now it's just going to get worse later on when I get a higher public profile & do more things. The resentment my family seems to have for me will only get worse. It's probably why my friends these days are industry peers, attorneys or folks with some money though I never really befriended the neighborhood kids like my sister did.

A great analogy for my feelings about my past are old clothes I had in high school that are too big on me now. The new me just doesn't fit into them & no matter how hard I try, it's just not going to. I have to face facts that I've become part of what Nietzsche would call "the great." One of the "beautiful people," someone who has goals & is going to do great things in life. That's something I have to insist on for people who are going to be around me at this stage of my life.

The saying "birds of a feather flock together" is very true. I can't be hanging around people who are going to sabotage me, resent me for my success or otherwise bring me down. I'll have enough people outside my circle trying to do that. Why let the haters eat dinner with you? You might as well just roll out the red carpet for them.

I even told my husband that I want that for him; he doesn't need to be around people who are only going to have class envy sooner or later & not really care about his success in life. I want people around who inspire me to be better, who make me feel good about myself, who support what I do & would have my back in a second.

I feel like my sister & my mother have instructed me to not give a shit about my sister at all. Like I shouldn't even bother dialing 911 if some rapist attacked her in my presence. Being away from it, I can see this poor person mentality shining through.

One note about poor person mentality: not all poor people have it. Some people who grow up poor DO give a damn about moving up & have the drive to do it. There aren't many but they do exist.

So in this quest to surround myself with positive, driven & good people who will have my back no matter what happens to me, I feel you can't keep people around just because they share DNA with you. You need more than "they're FAMILY" to convince me someone's presence in my life is necessary or helpful to me. Having bad people around could damage my career, my psyche, my sense of self; I just can't have it. People can tell when you're upset about things & when I can predict my family's response to things, I think it's time I no longer cared & the only way to do that is to have a very limited relationship if any relationship can exist.

I like Dear Prudence's advice on bad behavior from family members. Essentially you leave the situation or end the conversation when the family member in question is doing the offensive act. The problem is that wasn't feasible when I was staying in my parents' house & had no car to drive off in when they were playing Fashion Cop.

I would LOVE to meet a family where the members are functional, support each others' dreams, don't act like little children & aren't infantalizing anyone. My husband says that doesn't exist. Today's little drama made me see the wisdom of a family friend's requirement for a husband that his parents be dead. I thought it was a good idea when I first heard of it, honestly. Mine was that I wouldn't tolerate disrespect & wouldn't be with a man who wouldn't stand up for me with in-laws. I also refused to be with anyone whose family behaved like assholes to me.

Family is what you create, not the DNA you have. Don't let DNA blind you to people's failings or permit you to put up with shit you'd never tolerate from the general population. If everyone followed that basic life advice, we'd have far fewer problems.

On the "eventually you'll be all alone point," I have this to say: we all die alone. Why not respect yourself while you're alive & damn the haters who want to shove you down to their level?