This is my first attempt to get some blog posts out of me before I explode. The past 4 days were super crazy busy so didn't have any time until now to start with this.
In the midst of the craziness (or maybe before it started), I saw this post from 1,000 Ways to Die (the show may have ended but they still have a presence on Facebook) about men being dragged shopping by women. That is something that puzzles me since I have never made a man go shopping with me. I actually prefer to shop alone since I do have a good sense of style & know what works for me or not. I usually don't need other opinions & to quote Margaret Cho "Men do not want to go shopping. If they do, they're gay."
Now if I had some gay male friends who'd go shopping with me & really wanted to go, I'd certainly take any of them who asked. I don't, though. Most of the men in my life are straight. I wouldn't make a guy friend go shopping with me since I don't keep friends I hate.
The biggest reason I don't get that whole thing goes back to my teenage years. When I was 15 years old, I got a job at JcPenney. I was hired to work in the Lingerie/Sleepwear section, though it was part of 3 girly departments (the other 2 were Handbags/Accessories & Hosiery). Hosiery was the department where you managed a till & could easily get bored. It was a very easy section to work in & you didn't have to do much. The upside was you had a view of the main drag of the store so you could people watch often. I usually ended up doing that, especially when cute guys walked by. Some of them probably checked me out but at that time, my parents would never have let me date anyone I met at work since that guy likely would have been older.
One of the big things that happened in Lingerie/Sleepwear was you'd see men & boys with pained expressions on their faces in the section because women dragged them there. They would usually sit in the chairs we had out. The chairs were conveniently located near our registers. Sometimes they started conversations with us but I always felt compelled to talk to them since as a sales associate, it was my job to make customers feel good about being in the store vs. wishing they were in the electric chair instead.
I vowed that if I ever got a boyfriend, I was NOT going to make him go shopping with me. I didn't want to ever make a guy get that pained expression on his face like I'd seen so many times at work. I was also doing my own shopping for clothes at that time & was fashionable even then. Case in point: I won "Best Dressed" in my high school's pageant my senior year & still have the sash from it. People also complimented my clothes at random back then & still do today.
It seems I'm in the minority on this one along with the subject of watching chick flicks; that's something else I won't make a guy do. I mean, if you're dating someone, married to them or at least having sex with them (assuming you don't just sleep with guys you hate) why would you want to torture someone like that? I'd only do that if I hated someone & then I'd have to get that device from A Clockwork Orange so my victim couldn't close his eyes.
Now I do expect a guy is not going to make me watch movies I have no interest in. If he did, all bets would be off there. Equal rights, slick!
Shopping I'm not so picky about since that's not something I mind doing & if you ask, I'll give you my opinion. Not sure that guys I know scramble around for my opinions on clothes but if one actually does, I'll share. I do have some theories on certain fashions but probably mentioned them already or it's for another post.
As we know, shopping is a bitch for skinny people. I recently found out I weight less than 100 pounds seemingly out of nowhere. I didn't turn vegan or start eating 100% organic (can't afford it) but it does mean I'm going to have more haters. I wondered if I was just going to waste away & die that way or if I was a medical oddity but my husband pointed out something that maybe I should have considered: we've not been eating take out or restaurant food that much recently. Could explain this weight loss, right? I don't formally exercise per se other than stuff I do to live life like lugging a very heavy suitcase today for a photo shoot. When I got done, the inside of my elbow was hurting from me wheeling the suitcase down the street.
For some reason, my husband wants to turn me into a brawn person but hasn't it ever occurred to him or anyone else that maybe I don't want to be a female bodybuilder? Maybe I'm happy as I am & like my body as is. I even have shape in places that made my religious family insist I cover up & provoke hatred or dirty thoughts in a good chunk of the populace. I also ask "aren't beauty & brains enough?" That's apparently a combination nearing the rarity of naturally red hair, at least to hear some guys (including one of my exes) talk.
A person needs to have a few flaws & weaknesses; otherwise, you're dealing with a robot since no one is perfect. I don't care who you're talking about since there's at least one flaw or weakness in everyone. Being able to admit this means you have some character. Otherwise, I guess not admitting to your faults is your flaw: you have no character.
In closing, no one needs to be asking me to lift heavy objects or suggesting I apply for jobs where you have to be able to lift at least 50 pounds. I'm not an ant!
Asking me to lift 30 pounds is also too much. Two words to remember when asking this sort of thing of little tiny folk like me: Chivalry & Sadist. If you ask me to do that, I will call you a sadist & an idiot. If you're a guy, I will totally think you lack chivalry & are an asshole.
Showing posts with label JcPenney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label JcPenney. Show all posts
Monday, November 18, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
More Family Drama & A Necessary Decision
Okay my father has been dead a little over a month & a half, right? You'd figure the people who shared a home with him would still be grieving & trying to support each other. Apparently, that's not the case.
Last night, literally after we'd had a conversation about them visiting NYC next year, I find out from my sister that her husband was cheating on her. Or at the very least, he was considering cheating on her & doing things that I doubt any of you would stand for from your spouses/serious significant others.
He had the bright idea of messaging girls they both knew on Facebook, asking for pictures of private parts & asking for one girl in particular's phone number (as well as employing text messaging). I have no clue how my sister found out but I saw an alarming status on her Facebook page & was wondering what's up. I thought maybe it had to do with more nasty family secrets, one of her kids or even her marriage. With her marriage, though, I thought "Her husband goes to work & sleeps then has to deal with the kids. When would he have the time to cheat?"
He decided to do all this messaging while at work. Why he couldn't just get online porn or a subscription to an adult magazine, I don't know. Nor can I figure out why in the Hell he picked women that (as far as I know) aren't exactly model material. If you're going to ask for nudie pics, at least ask for them from a woman that would rank a 7 or better on a scale of 1-10 (putting aside personal preferences for hair color, ethnicity and other factors that differ from person to person).
I also don't know how my sister found out but she did & was angry. This also wasn't the first time he did this behind her back. I asked her if she had a problem with him having female friends in general & she said "No." I have guy friends & my husband has female friends.
The difference is none of my guy friends have ever asked for or gotten nudie pics from me (and since I'm not an adult model, none would be publicly available; I'm also not stupid enough to give someone something to blackmail me with, as a nude pic would certainly be).
Nor have any of my guy friends said "You know I love you" in a non-platonic way & my industry is known for beauty as well as informality. I've got no problem with taking a compliment or being told I'm pretty; that's not crossing the line with me, though my sister was also pissed about her husband doing that. Not even the guy friend my husband hates ever said "I love you" to me! I don't think I'd believe him if he did since too many people throw that phrase around like confetti.
Another reason this guy is a shithead? He decides to do this after they both get into debt on new cars. My sister obviously can't work when she has 2 little kids to care for & limited schooling to actually get a job, much less one that would pay daycare costs on top of whatever she made to help herself. She's also been out of the workforce for a good 10 years.
Oh, and he corresponded with one of these chicks on Mother's Day & the last one was a couple weeks after my father's passing.
Since this isn't the first incident, I keep thinking of the phrase "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
To make this story better, this man's mother (herself a divorced woman) has the gall to tell my sister she should put up with this shit & forgive him with no repercussions. Gee, what does that teach their kids? The woman is supposed to be a good little Stepford Wife while the man gets carte blanche to do whatever he wants? Apparently, she waited until she saw her husband in bed with someone to get a divorce. My own mother pointed out that if we didn't have social media & texting today, my brother in law would have been meeting up with these girls and eventually fucking them.
Right now, the timing of all this had me mad. But...it gets better.
My sister mentions the whole thing on Facebook & then some scum relative of my brother in law's decides to publicly insult her for expressing her feelings and views. This shithead apparently apologized before she deleted his post & I happened to see it. I was going to respond to this post but couldn't so I decided to send a private message, giving him a leg up over what he gave my sister. Sorry, you fuck with my loved ones & you're fucking with me. I illuminated that fact to this pathetic, uneducated moron who apparently didn't bother doing his homework on me. I forwarded his response to my husband, who agreed with this assessment. I later responded that this guy was out of my league & an idiot before blocking (I block as a preemptive measure since I've got no time or patience for bullshit).
Then, my brother in law makes reference to this on my feed & I commented my sentiments. After all, his relatives made public attacks at my sister with him doing nothing to tell them to butt out. Yet he has the gall to tell ME to do so. Yeah, me. The Angry Redheaded Lawyer. The enforcer. The person who's got much more education, means, charisma and contacts than this pathetic little shit who's related to Psycho Boy.
I stated that if HIS relative had not publicly been nasty to my sister, we wouldn't be having this conversation. But guess what, shithead? You mess with my sister, you're messing with me. He must think because my father isn't around he's going to get off easy & mess with us. He's sadly mistaken.
His pathetic family who has zero concept of the laws also tried to claim that my words were a credible threat. Ha! Any cop would laugh at you if you tried to claim that one. I live 1,000 miles away from there. I also have no travel plans to go down there & haven't made any considering I've got business stuff to do up here. Plus, I'm not going to the state of NC considering they've passed that nasty, sexist requirement on abortion clinics & essentially trying to have MORE deadbeats have kids due to lack of access to contraceptives and abortion. Aren't armchair lawyers the best?
You'd think my sister would appreciate having a big sister who didn't let anyone mess with her or treat her like shit. After all, who else would defend her? You'd be dead wrong.
Instead, both she & my mother had the nerve to tell me not to get involved but didn't say a word about the prior actions of my brother in law's relatives. My mother told me my sister said all this. I said I'm not going to let someone treat my sister like shit, end of story & he didn't call out these relatives. I also note that he didn't address my points about doing right by my sister or those kids.
I honestly predicted that reaction & it's made me come to a very important decision: disownment.
Yep, you read that right. You may ask why. You may try to claim "But they're FAMILY!! You can't stop speaking to them!"
WRONG!!! Some people are too toxic to have in your life. It's my belief that my sister & my mother are the embodiment of such a thing.
Let's examine the evidence:
1. Both tell me how to dress when I visit & have demanded me to dress a certain way before going places with them.
2. Both tell me not to speak on a matter while others are free to do so without any remarks or comment from either of them to those parties.
3. Both blame me for shit while others do far worse in a situation. My sister is still friends with the former friend of mine who tried to ruin her wedding. If I'd done that, I'd have been persona non grata for even thinking about it.
4. Both refuse to accept that I'm "the enforcer" or embrace it. Instead, they expect me to be some good little Southern Baptist who doesn't ever express a negative view, cleavage or a backbone.
5. Both refuse to accept that I'm a model or that I look as I do (which is thinner & prettier than everyone else). They wanted to "fatten me up" while I was down there. Does this sound like supportive behavior or like they want to drag me down to their level & resent me?
6. My mother even used to ask about my sex life & if I was sleeping with particular guys. This was when I was in college & over the age of consent.
As for getting gifts, I really don't care about gifts from anyone these days. I'm older now, have a lot of stuff & limited space in my home. Nor does anyone have the money or inclination to get me the things I really want like repaying all my loans or getting me stock. I don't spend holidays with my family since they live too far away & my husband can't get time off work. In fact, I wouldn't mind spending holidays with just me, my husband & our cats with perhaps a few guests who also have bad family situations and just want a nice place to go for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I'd also not mind having to buy less for Christmas. I'm not dependent on my parents & really haven't been since I've done plenty on my own. You could say I've succeeded despite my family situation.
You may say "What about your niece & nephews?" Well, I love them & don't want them to be fucked up but I've had it with this "one rule for me & one rule for everyone else" shit. How would they even respect me when they've seen their mother & grandmother step on me or refuse to let me do what I do best? They'd have to decide on that but cut me out & I'm sure there'd be resentment later on; I'm also not about to be a slave to my sister so I can have contact with them. If she thinks I'm doing that, she's dead wrong. My psyche & well being trump, plain & simple.
This has been building for years & I think now is the time to say "Enough is enough." If my sister can't be grateful for me standing up for her, I'll find someone else who appreciates me for who I am & doesn't let people shit on them. I can't care about someone & watch them get shit on so I'll devote my care & concern elsewhere.
I think maybe classism is figuring some into this. My family has the poor person's mentality; I do not. I never did, in fact. Would a 15 year old with poor person mentality have called up the EEOC like I did when I was applying to work at JcPenney? Would a 22 year old with that mentality have fought to apply to law school at the same time as everyone else? The answer to that is "no"; I never gave up on things I wanted while my family will give up in a second & not bother to assert themselves on important things.
Another way I think they're toxic? If I'd listened to them on things, that former friend who behaved like an asshole & is now the living embodiment of a Jerry Springer guest would still be in my life. My father would have had more opportunity to hurt me & emotionally abuse me and I'd be a stunted human being. I'd have also submitted to Psycho Boy & probably gotten a divorce after his coming out, complete with a body destroyed by childbirth and a psyche destroyed by children I didn't really want.
As an adult & getting far away from that influence, I've seen lots of things that make them not very good people to rely upon or take seriously.
Since my father's death, there's been serious thought going on in my house. My husband has been spurned on to do lots of things to improve himself & live life to the fullest. I've also had time to think very carefully about who I want in my life as I'm on this journey in my field.
For me, if someone's causing conflict or a problem now it's just going to get worse later on when I get a higher public profile & do more things. The resentment my family seems to have for me will only get worse. It's probably why my friends these days are industry peers, attorneys or folks with some money though I never really befriended the neighborhood kids like my sister did.
A great analogy for my feelings about my past are old clothes I had in high school that are too big on me now. The new me just doesn't fit into them & no matter how hard I try, it's just not going to. I have to face facts that I've become part of what Nietzsche would call "the great." One of the "beautiful people," someone who has goals & is going to do great things in life. That's something I have to insist on for people who are going to be around me at this stage of my life.
The saying "birds of a feather flock together" is very true. I can't be hanging around people who are going to sabotage me, resent me for my success or otherwise bring me down. I'll have enough people outside my circle trying to do that. Why let the haters eat dinner with you? You might as well just roll out the red carpet for them.
I even told my husband that I want that for him; he doesn't need to be around people who are only going to have class envy sooner or later & not really care about his success in life. I want people around who inspire me to be better, who make me feel good about myself, who support what I do & would have my back in a second.
I feel like my sister & my mother have instructed me to not give a shit about my sister at all. Like I shouldn't even bother dialing 911 if some rapist attacked her in my presence. Being away from it, I can see this poor person mentality shining through.
One note about poor person mentality: not all poor people have it. Some people who grow up poor DO give a damn about moving up & have the drive to do it. There aren't many but they do exist.
So in this quest to surround myself with positive, driven & good people who will have my back no matter what happens to me, I feel you can't keep people around just because they share DNA with you. You need more than "they're FAMILY" to convince me someone's presence in my life is necessary or helpful to me. Having bad people around could damage my career, my psyche, my sense of self; I just can't have it. People can tell when you're upset about things & when I can predict my family's response to things, I think it's time I no longer cared & the only way to do that is to have a very limited relationship if any relationship can exist.
I like Dear Prudence's advice on bad behavior from family members. Essentially you leave the situation or end the conversation when the family member in question is doing the offensive act. The problem is that wasn't feasible when I was staying in my parents' house & had no car to drive off in when they were playing Fashion Cop.
I would LOVE to meet a family where the members are functional, support each others' dreams, don't act like little children & aren't infantalizing anyone. My husband says that doesn't exist. Today's little drama made me see the wisdom of a family friend's requirement for a husband that his parents be dead. I thought it was a good idea when I first heard of it, honestly. Mine was that I wouldn't tolerate disrespect & wouldn't be with a man who wouldn't stand up for me with in-laws. I also refused to be with anyone whose family behaved like assholes to me.
Family is what you create, not the DNA you have. Don't let DNA blind you to people's failings or permit you to put up with shit you'd never tolerate from the general population. If everyone followed that basic life advice, we'd have far fewer problems.
On the "eventually you'll be all alone point," I have this to say: we all die alone. Why not respect yourself while you're alive & damn the haters who want to shove you down to their level?
Last night, literally after we'd had a conversation about them visiting NYC next year, I find out from my sister that her husband was cheating on her. Or at the very least, he was considering cheating on her & doing things that I doubt any of you would stand for from your spouses/serious significant others.
He had the bright idea of messaging girls they both knew on Facebook, asking for pictures of private parts & asking for one girl in particular's phone number (as well as employing text messaging). I have no clue how my sister found out but I saw an alarming status on her Facebook page & was wondering what's up. I thought maybe it had to do with more nasty family secrets, one of her kids or even her marriage. With her marriage, though, I thought "Her husband goes to work & sleeps then has to deal with the kids. When would he have the time to cheat?"
He decided to do all this messaging while at work. Why he couldn't just get online porn or a subscription to an adult magazine, I don't know. Nor can I figure out why in the Hell he picked women that (as far as I know) aren't exactly model material. If you're going to ask for nudie pics, at least ask for them from a woman that would rank a 7 or better on a scale of 1-10 (putting aside personal preferences for hair color, ethnicity and other factors that differ from person to person).
I also don't know how my sister found out but she did & was angry. This also wasn't the first time he did this behind her back. I asked her if she had a problem with him having female friends in general & she said "No." I have guy friends & my husband has female friends.
The difference is none of my guy friends have ever asked for or gotten nudie pics from me (and since I'm not an adult model, none would be publicly available; I'm also not stupid enough to give someone something to blackmail me with, as a nude pic would certainly be).
Nor have any of my guy friends said "You know I love you" in a non-platonic way & my industry is known for beauty as well as informality. I've got no problem with taking a compliment or being told I'm pretty; that's not crossing the line with me, though my sister was also pissed about her husband doing that. Not even the guy friend my husband hates ever said "I love you" to me! I don't think I'd believe him if he did since too many people throw that phrase around like confetti.
Another reason this guy is a shithead? He decides to do this after they both get into debt on new cars. My sister obviously can't work when she has 2 little kids to care for & limited schooling to actually get a job, much less one that would pay daycare costs on top of whatever she made to help herself. She's also been out of the workforce for a good 10 years.
Oh, and he corresponded with one of these chicks on Mother's Day & the last one was a couple weeks after my father's passing.
Since this isn't the first incident, I keep thinking of the phrase "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
To make this story better, this man's mother (herself a divorced woman) has the gall to tell my sister she should put up with this shit & forgive him with no repercussions. Gee, what does that teach their kids? The woman is supposed to be a good little Stepford Wife while the man gets carte blanche to do whatever he wants? Apparently, she waited until she saw her husband in bed with someone to get a divorce. My own mother pointed out that if we didn't have social media & texting today, my brother in law would have been meeting up with these girls and eventually fucking them.
Right now, the timing of all this had me mad. But...it gets better.
My sister mentions the whole thing on Facebook & then some scum relative of my brother in law's decides to publicly insult her for expressing her feelings and views. This shithead apparently apologized before she deleted his post & I happened to see it. I was going to respond to this post but couldn't so I decided to send a private message, giving him a leg up over what he gave my sister. Sorry, you fuck with my loved ones & you're fucking with me. I illuminated that fact to this pathetic, uneducated moron who apparently didn't bother doing his homework on me. I forwarded his response to my husband, who agreed with this assessment. I later responded that this guy was out of my league & an idiot before blocking (I block as a preemptive measure since I've got no time or patience for bullshit).
Then, my brother in law makes reference to this on my feed & I commented my sentiments. After all, his relatives made public attacks at my sister with him doing nothing to tell them to butt out. Yet he has the gall to tell ME to do so. Yeah, me. The Angry Redheaded Lawyer. The enforcer. The person who's got much more education, means, charisma and contacts than this pathetic little shit who's related to Psycho Boy.
I stated that if HIS relative had not publicly been nasty to my sister, we wouldn't be having this conversation. But guess what, shithead? You mess with my sister, you're messing with me. He must think because my father isn't around he's going to get off easy & mess with us. He's sadly mistaken.
His pathetic family who has zero concept of the laws also tried to claim that my words were a credible threat. Ha! Any cop would laugh at you if you tried to claim that one. I live 1,000 miles away from there. I also have no travel plans to go down there & haven't made any considering I've got business stuff to do up here. Plus, I'm not going to the state of NC considering they've passed that nasty, sexist requirement on abortion clinics & essentially trying to have MORE deadbeats have kids due to lack of access to contraceptives and abortion. Aren't armchair lawyers the best?
You'd think my sister would appreciate having a big sister who didn't let anyone mess with her or treat her like shit. After all, who else would defend her? You'd be dead wrong.
Instead, both she & my mother had the nerve to tell me not to get involved but didn't say a word about the prior actions of my brother in law's relatives. My mother told me my sister said all this. I said I'm not going to let someone treat my sister like shit, end of story & he didn't call out these relatives. I also note that he didn't address my points about doing right by my sister or those kids.
I honestly predicted that reaction & it's made me come to a very important decision: disownment.
Yep, you read that right. You may ask why. You may try to claim "But they're FAMILY!! You can't stop speaking to them!"
WRONG!!! Some people are too toxic to have in your life. It's my belief that my sister & my mother are the embodiment of such a thing.
Let's examine the evidence:
1. Both tell me how to dress when I visit & have demanded me to dress a certain way before going places with them.
2. Both tell me not to speak on a matter while others are free to do so without any remarks or comment from either of them to those parties.
3. Both blame me for shit while others do far worse in a situation. My sister is still friends with the former friend of mine who tried to ruin her wedding. If I'd done that, I'd have been persona non grata for even thinking about it.
4. Both refuse to accept that I'm "the enforcer" or embrace it. Instead, they expect me to be some good little Southern Baptist who doesn't ever express a negative view, cleavage or a backbone.
5. Both refuse to accept that I'm a model or that I look as I do (which is thinner & prettier than everyone else). They wanted to "fatten me up" while I was down there. Does this sound like supportive behavior or like they want to drag me down to their level & resent me?
6. My mother even used to ask about my sex life & if I was sleeping with particular guys. This was when I was in college & over the age of consent.
As for getting gifts, I really don't care about gifts from anyone these days. I'm older now, have a lot of stuff & limited space in my home. Nor does anyone have the money or inclination to get me the things I really want like repaying all my loans or getting me stock. I don't spend holidays with my family since they live too far away & my husband can't get time off work. In fact, I wouldn't mind spending holidays with just me, my husband & our cats with perhaps a few guests who also have bad family situations and just want a nice place to go for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I'd also not mind having to buy less for Christmas. I'm not dependent on my parents & really haven't been since I've done plenty on my own. You could say I've succeeded despite my family situation.
You may say "What about your niece & nephews?" Well, I love them & don't want them to be fucked up but I've had it with this "one rule for me & one rule for everyone else" shit. How would they even respect me when they've seen their mother & grandmother step on me or refuse to let me do what I do best? They'd have to decide on that but cut me out & I'm sure there'd be resentment later on; I'm also not about to be a slave to my sister so I can have contact with them. If she thinks I'm doing that, she's dead wrong. My psyche & well being trump, plain & simple.
This has been building for years & I think now is the time to say "Enough is enough." If my sister can't be grateful for me standing up for her, I'll find someone else who appreciates me for who I am & doesn't let people shit on them. I can't care about someone & watch them get shit on so I'll devote my care & concern elsewhere.
I think maybe classism is figuring some into this. My family has the poor person's mentality; I do not. I never did, in fact. Would a 15 year old with poor person mentality have called up the EEOC like I did when I was applying to work at JcPenney? Would a 22 year old with that mentality have fought to apply to law school at the same time as everyone else? The answer to that is "no"; I never gave up on things I wanted while my family will give up in a second & not bother to assert themselves on important things.
Another way I think they're toxic? If I'd listened to them on things, that former friend who behaved like an asshole & is now the living embodiment of a Jerry Springer guest would still be in my life. My father would have had more opportunity to hurt me & emotionally abuse me and I'd be a stunted human being. I'd have also submitted to Psycho Boy & probably gotten a divorce after his coming out, complete with a body destroyed by childbirth and a psyche destroyed by children I didn't really want.
As an adult & getting far away from that influence, I've seen lots of things that make them not very good people to rely upon or take seriously.
Since my father's death, there's been serious thought going on in my house. My husband has been spurned on to do lots of things to improve himself & live life to the fullest. I've also had time to think very carefully about who I want in my life as I'm on this journey in my field.
For me, if someone's causing conflict or a problem now it's just going to get worse later on when I get a higher public profile & do more things. The resentment my family seems to have for me will only get worse. It's probably why my friends these days are industry peers, attorneys or folks with some money though I never really befriended the neighborhood kids like my sister did.
A great analogy for my feelings about my past are old clothes I had in high school that are too big on me now. The new me just doesn't fit into them & no matter how hard I try, it's just not going to. I have to face facts that I've become part of what Nietzsche would call "the great." One of the "beautiful people," someone who has goals & is going to do great things in life. That's something I have to insist on for people who are going to be around me at this stage of my life.
The saying "birds of a feather flock together" is very true. I can't be hanging around people who are going to sabotage me, resent me for my success or otherwise bring me down. I'll have enough people outside my circle trying to do that. Why let the haters eat dinner with you? You might as well just roll out the red carpet for them.
I even told my husband that I want that for him; he doesn't need to be around people who are only going to have class envy sooner or later & not really care about his success in life. I want people around who inspire me to be better, who make me feel good about myself, who support what I do & would have my back in a second.
I feel like my sister & my mother have instructed me to not give a shit about my sister at all. Like I shouldn't even bother dialing 911 if some rapist attacked her in my presence. Being away from it, I can see this poor person mentality shining through.
One note about poor person mentality: not all poor people have it. Some people who grow up poor DO give a damn about moving up & have the drive to do it. There aren't many but they do exist.
So in this quest to surround myself with positive, driven & good people who will have my back no matter what happens to me, I feel you can't keep people around just because they share DNA with you. You need more than "they're FAMILY" to convince me someone's presence in my life is necessary or helpful to me. Having bad people around could damage my career, my psyche, my sense of self; I just can't have it. People can tell when you're upset about things & when I can predict my family's response to things, I think it's time I no longer cared & the only way to do that is to have a very limited relationship if any relationship can exist.
I like Dear Prudence's advice on bad behavior from family members. Essentially you leave the situation or end the conversation when the family member in question is doing the offensive act. The problem is that wasn't feasible when I was staying in my parents' house & had no car to drive off in when they were playing Fashion Cop.
I would LOVE to meet a family where the members are functional, support each others' dreams, don't act like little children & aren't infantalizing anyone. My husband says that doesn't exist. Today's little drama made me see the wisdom of a family friend's requirement for a husband that his parents be dead. I thought it was a good idea when I first heard of it, honestly. Mine was that I wouldn't tolerate disrespect & wouldn't be with a man who wouldn't stand up for me with in-laws. I also refused to be with anyone whose family behaved like assholes to me.
Family is what you create, not the DNA you have. Don't let DNA blind you to people's failings or permit you to put up with shit you'd never tolerate from the general population. If everyone followed that basic life advice, we'd have far fewer problems.
On the "eventually you'll be all alone point," I have this to say: we all die alone. Why not respect yourself while you're alive & damn the haters who want to shove you down to their level?
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Goodbye, Church Lady Stuff & "Non-Sexist" Gifts
When I was trying to put insoles in my heeled boots for my show performance (discovered I already had some in there but used them in a different pair of heels), I decided to do something my husband had been bugging me to do for ages: clean out my shoes & closet!
Now, with all my talk of clothes you probably think I own 100 pairs of shoes at least. Nope, not even close. I own less than 30. Most of those shoes weren't even bought or selected by me, in fact. I also have a decent amount of clothing that wasn't bought or selected by me. This is despite being the oldest in my family: my mother managed to get hand me downs from other people's older kids. My mother's resourcefulness is legendary, to say the least. She probably inadvertently taught me how to persuade others & definitely taught us how to stand on our own two feet.
As an actress/creative type, I've been big on having diversity in my clothing. I don't fit one style or one type & have different moods. You can't just stick me in one box or say "Oh, she'd never wear THAT!" I've done many things in life & you never know when that evening gown or cheerleader outfit will come in handy. I've bought dresses I just liked the look of & then wore them to events later on, leading to raves over it. My eye for dressing myself is something I take pride in & it doesn't seem to have dulled at this point.
Another thing about my clothing: I bought a lot of it in the late 90s since I didn't have to pay for car insurance & couldn't get other things. At that time, there were apparently more retailers selling "Made in the USA," including JcPenney (where I worked in high school & got a 40% discount on anything I could wear to work). Style differences aside, a lot of my things aren't replaceable.
I have one definitive church lady dress that I wouldn't getting rid of since it epitomizes the frumpiness of that style & you never know when you might need such an outfit. What if I had to play a fundie or pretend to be one?
However, I noticed that I had other dresses I didn't need & that were too big. One was this dress with red roses that I bought my replacement for (the replacement is a short cocktail dress I wore on the extra gig where Method Man was apparently present). I actually got my replacement so I could get rid of that one since it's now too big on me.
I also found this dress I have in a color design I love but the style doesn't work. It's also too big & when I wore it, I had gaps in the front where you could see my bra. If you saw it, you would definitely think of one of those church revival broadcasts from the late '80s or early '90s.
I might be the first skinny person in history who was never remotely overweight & has to get rid of things she got in middle & high school because they're now too big on her. I've aged & gotten thinner; what the Hell?!?!
I was ultimately motivated to get rid of certain things for a few reasons:
A) How many church lady outfits do I really need? I mean, I don't go to church & have no real desire to do so.
We're not talking business casual clothing or stuff you could wear in an office or the courtroom. I'm talking things that when you look at them, you immediately think of some televangelist's wife or older daughter.
B) I didn't pick out this stuff or buy it for myself. What's my compulsion with keeping things that arguably aren't really in my style or aesthetic?
C) I'm not a little kid anymore. I've also started a new regime where I act as me for any audience. I don't do what some of these Dear Prudence letter writers do & "act on my best behavior" around in-laws or let them tell me how to dress, otherwise attempting to infantalize me. No, thank you! I would never be married to a man whose family did that to me. I had enough of it in my own household with my own mother.
So if I've adopted the "accept me for me or go fuck yourself" ethic, why keep things that have no relevance to it? Who am I trying to impress or please? No one.
Seriously, I wonder what the hell is wrong with women who put up with that shit? If my in-laws made me call them "Mr." & "Mrs.," I would make them call me "Ms." and "Esquire/Attorney at Law/Counselor." Same for everyone else, in fact. Celebrities included.
If you make me call you "Mr." or "Mrs./Ms.," you have to call me "Ms." and refer to me as "Esquire/Attorney at Law/Counselor." I can be a prick too & will sharply rebuke you if you demand me to use formality while you try using my first name, which is informal! I'm married but "Ms." is my preferred title. Save the "Mrs." for formal events (ideally where you're including my spouse) or for when I look like an old lady.
NEVER refer to me as "Mrs. [Husband's first name][Husband's last name]" if you are not from my husband's family or someone we know well since I will brand you a sexist for making me an accessory on my husband's relationship charm bracelet vs. an independent person with opinions, feelings, preferences, etc.
Asking for formality tends to mean you will not have a warm or authentic relationship with someone. Granted, this comes from a woman who never had to call anyone "Mr." or "Mrs." or use other titles unless the person was a teacher or a school administrator at her school.
My mother taught us that respect is earned, not given just because you've managed to live on this planet longer than we have. We met some very shitty adults in my childhood who were not worthy of respect & my mother basically told us we didn't have to respect them. I hope my sister continues to raise her kids with that critical eye toward "respect your elders." Her oldest son has already done us proud with that one since he's called out BS by adults at the age of 9.
D) It doesn't fit! Am I keeping this stuff so if I gain a little weight, I don't have to go completely naked?
E) Then, finally, I've never worn it. If I haven't worn it after having it 10+ years, why am I still keeping it?
There was also the corollary of "God, this is so uncomfortable on me!" as for why I haven't worn something. Age does not make a pair of shoes more comfortable on your feet.
So it makes me feel better to get rid of some things. Asked my neighbor if she wanted anything & some of the clutter got out that way. Now I just have to find a place for a very conservative bridesmaid dress & 4 pairs of size 8 shoes (two of them open toed). I can take some of it to Bottomless Closet, a non-profit that provides business clothing to women in NYC. I like their concept, they have their financials out in the open for you & I donated there before without hassle or BS. Perhaps it's also a weight off my psyche & saying "Hey, I'm an adult now & I don't have to impress or hide from anybody!"
I also got information recently about an attempt to create a list of "non-sexist Christmas gifts" from UltraViolet, a progressive organization that deals with women's issues.
Personally, I feel sexism is in the eye of the beholder. We had Barbies but we never played "Barbie goes to the prom" or "Math is hard" Barbie. Barbie was a domestic abuser who beat Ken & our other dolls in our world. She was pretty much Satan in our world & everyone had to flee from her. Yeah, this might give you some insight on how we grew up except my father wasn't a domestic abuser (a fact he touted many times, in fact, especially if you talked about his drinking). My mother even said that she would leave my father if he ever laid a hand on her & reminded us that "they always go to sleep." Our 99.9% female cast were strong women who stood up for themselves & their kids. Playing Barbie in this way, I don't think you could say we were corrupted into some sexist thinking or mores; Barbie might not have been a great person but she certainly wasn't a weakling! I'm also the oldest & my parents wanted me to be a boy; they never seemed disappointed though, maybe because some of my behavior is more traditionally masculine than feminine like being the responsible one and standing up for myself all the time.
Sexism is something you learn from the home environment, parenting in particular. We didn't really learn that since my mother had to do almost everything out of necessity. She had maybe 1/2 a parent to work with at best because of my father's alcoholism & at one point, she was a single parent since they separated.
Barbie is not the old blackface figurines from yesteryear, where just looking at them evokes the racism. Even if you look at a Barbie objectively, I don't think you'd find sexism there. I guess me also being thin colors that view but it's my opinion.
When I got information about it, I felt like "Can't we just have gifts? Can't we just BE?" We got toy cars as kids as well since my father is a car enthusiast (and my sister also has some interest there). I feel like a cigar is just a cigar & what you do with things or how you use them is what counts vs. the presence of a toy. I would certainly never say "Oh, my niece can't have a Barbie doll because of the 'math is hard' Barbie." You have to watch how kids are playing and go from there. I also believe in learning by showing vs. telling someone to do or not do something.
I refuse to go around thinking about sexist implications of gifts. This is an example of one of those instances where I think some people are being too feminist for their own good & fussing over the wrong issues. There's no need to shove men down or make everyone live in drudgery when life is hard enough already with the things you can't control. Conduct bothers me a trillion times more than a Barbie ever would. I say get the damn gift that will make your recipient happy & stop telling kids what they want to have!
Now, with all my talk of clothes you probably think I own 100 pairs of shoes at least. Nope, not even close. I own less than 30. Most of those shoes weren't even bought or selected by me, in fact. I also have a decent amount of clothing that wasn't bought or selected by me. This is despite being the oldest in my family: my mother managed to get hand me downs from other people's older kids. My mother's resourcefulness is legendary, to say the least. She probably inadvertently taught me how to persuade others & definitely taught us how to stand on our own two feet.
As an actress/creative type, I've been big on having diversity in my clothing. I don't fit one style or one type & have different moods. You can't just stick me in one box or say "Oh, she'd never wear THAT!" I've done many things in life & you never know when that evening gown or cheerleader outfit will come in handy. I've bought dresses I just liked the look of & then wore them to events later on, leading to raves over it. My eye for dressing myself is something I take pride in & it doesn't seem to have dulled at this point.
Another thing about my clothing: I bought a lot of it in the late 90s since I didn't have to pay for car insurance & couldn't get other things. At that time, there were apparently more retailers selling "Made in the USA," including JcPenney (where I worked in high school & got a 40% discount on anything I could wear to work). Style differences aside, a lot of my things aren't replaceable.
I have one definitive church lady dress that I wouldn't getting rid of since it epitomizes the frumpiness of that style & you never know when you might need such an outfit. What if I had to play a fundie or pretend to be one?
However, I noticed that I had other dresses I didn't need & that were too big. One was this dress with red roses that I bought my replacement for (the replacement is a short cocktail dress I wore on the extra gig where Method Man was apparently present). I actually got my replacement so I could get rid of that one since it's now too big on me.
I also found this dress I have in a color design I love but the style doesn't work. It's also too big & when I wore it, I had gaps in the front where you could see my bra. If you saw it, you would definitely think of one of those church revival broadcasts from the late '80s or early '90s.
I might be the first skinny person in history who was never remotely overweight & has to get rid of things she got in middle & high school because they're now too big on her. I've aged & gotten thinner; what the Hell?!?!
I was ultimately motivated to get rid of certain things for a few reasons:
A) How many church lady outfits do I really need? I mean, I don't go to church & have no real desire to do so.
We're not talking business casual clothing or stuff you could wear in an office or the courtroom. I'm talking things that when you look at them, you immediately think of some televangelist's wife or older daughter.
B) I didn't pick out this stuff or buy it for myself. What's my compulsion with keeping things that arguably aren't really in my style or aesthetic?
C) I'm not a little kid anymore. I've also started a new regime where I act as me for any audience. I don't do what some of these Dear Prudence letter writers do & "act on my best behavior" around in-laws or let them tell me how to dress, otherwise attempting to infantalize me. No, thank you! I would never be married to a man whose family did that to me. I had enough of it in my own household with my own mother.
So if I've adopted the "accept me for me or go fuck yourself" ethic, why keep things that have no relevance to it? Who am I trying to impress or please? No one.
Seriously, I wonder what the hell is wrong with women who put up with that shit? If my in-laws made me call them "Mr." & "Mrs.," I would make them call me "Ms." and "Esquire/Attorney at Law/Counselor." Same for everyone else, in fact. Celebrities included.
If you make me call you "Mr." or "Mrs./Ms.," you have to call me "Ms." and refer to me as "Esquire/Attorney at Law/Counselor." I can be a prick too & will sharply rebuke you if you demand me to use formality while you try using my first name, which is informal! I'm married but "Ms." is my preferred title. Save the "Mrs." for formal events (ideally where you're including my spouse) or for when I look like an old lady.
NEVER refer to me as "Mrs. [Husband's first name][Husband's last name]" if you are not from my husband's family or someone we know well since I will brand you a sexist for making me an accessory on my husband's relationship charm bracelet vs. an independent person with opinions, feelings, preferences, etc.
Asking for formality tends to mean you will not have a warm or authentic relationship with someone. Granted, this comes from a woman who never had to call anyone "Mr." or "Mrs." or use other titles unless the person was a teacher or a school administrator at her school.
My mother taught us that respect is earned, not given just because you've managed to live on this planet longer than we have. We met some very shitty adults in my childhood who were not worthy of respect & my mother basically told us we didn't have to respect them. I hope my sister continues to raise her kids with that critical eye toward "respect your elders." Her oldest son has already done us proud with that one since he's called out BS by adults at the age of 9.
D) It doesn't fit! Am I keeping this stuff so if I gain a little weight, I don't have to go completely naked?
E) Then, finally, I've never worn it. If I haven't worn it after having it 10+ years, why am I still keeping it?
There was also the corollary of "God, this is so uncomfortable on me!" as for why I haven't worn something. Age does not make a pair of shoes more comfortable on your feet.
So it makes me feel better to get rid of some things. Asked my neighbor if she wanted anything & some of the clutter got out that way. Now I just have to find a place for a very conservative bridesmaid dress & 4 pairs of size 8 shoes (two of them open toed). I can take some of it to Bottomless Closet, a non-profit that provides business clothing to women in NYC. I like their concept, they have their financials out in the open for you & I donated there before without hassle or BS. Perhaps it's also a weight off my psyche & saying "Hey, I'm an adult now & I don't have to impress or hide from anybody!"
I also got information recently about an attempt to create a list of "non-sexist Christmas gifts" from UltraViolet, a progressive organization that deals with women's issues.
Personally, I feel sexism is in the eye of the beholder. We had Barbies but we never played "Barbie goes to the prom" or "Math is hard" Barbie. Barbie was a domestic abuser who beat Ken & our other dolls in our world. She was pretty much Satan in our world & everyone had to flee from her. Yeah, this might give you some insight on how we grew up except my father wasn't a domestic abuser (a fact he touted many times, in fact, especially if you talked about his drinking). My mother even said that she would leave my father if he ever laid a hand on her & reminded us that "they always go to sleep." Our 99.9% female cast were strong women who stood up for themselves & their kids. Playing Barbie in this way, I don't think you could say we were corrupted into some sexist thinking or mores; Barbie might not have been a great person but she certainly wasn't a weakling! I'm also the oldest & my parents wanted me to be a boy; they never seemed disappointed though, maybe because some of my behavior is more traditionally masculine than feminine like being the responsible one and standing up for myself all the time.
Sexism is something you learn from the home environment, parenting in particular. We didn't really learn that since my mother had to do almost everything out of necessity. She had maybe 1/2 a parent to work with at best because of my father's alcoholism & at one point, she was a single parent since they separated.
Barbie is not the old blackface figurines from yesteryear, where just looking at them evokes the racism. Even if you look at a Barbie objectively, I don't think you'd find sexism there. I guess me also being thin colors that view but it's my opinion.
When I got information about it, I felt like "Can't we just have gifts? Can't we just BE?" We got toy cars as kids as well since my father is a car enthusiast (and my sister also has some interest there). I feel like a cigar is just a cigar & what you do with things or how you use them is what counts vs. the presence of a toy. I would certainly never say "Oh, my niece can't have a Barbie doll because of the 'math is hard' Barbie." You have to watch how kids are playing and go from there. I also believe in learning by showing vs. telling someone to do or not do something.
I refuse to go around thinking about sexist implications of gifts. This is an example of one of those instances where I think some people are being too feminist for their own good & fussing over the wrong issues. There's no need to shove men down or make everyone live in drudgery when life is hard enough already with the things you can't control. Conduct bothers me a trillion times more than a Barbie ever would. I say get the damn gift that will make your recipient happy & stop telling kids what they want to have!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Some Raves & a General Movie Viewing Etiquette Guide
First off, I must give some credit to some retailers. Some of it's a little overdue but I now have free time for it so time for some shout outs.
The first one goes to Big Skinny Wallets. I got a wallet there from a Groupon deal. While I'm never wild about paying for shipping, this is the real thing when it comes to skinny wallets. Around the time that Groupon deal came up, I was looking for a thinner wallet. I traditionally have had the problem of smaller handbags & big, fat wallets since I carry more stuff in mine. Recently, I got the black leather handbag I'd been looking for since high school. Seriously, I saw one when I worked at JcPenney and was kicking myself for years for not getting it when I did. I was into carrying much funkier bags then; I still am to a point but I also like classic black leather done in a basic, modern style.
Basically, as a creative type I like a diversity in clothing & accessories to cover whatever mood I'm in or whatever look I need for a given event/activity. I've also been having problems recently with cheaply made things falling apart, including handbags so when I saw a sale on the Macy's website I figured it was time for an upgrade. As I may have mentioned before, we've been on a quality push. Basically, pay for quality if you can get it while keeping to a fair rate/taking advantage of sales.
I'm seriously happy with the one I got since I could finally get a little more in my purse. Plus, I don't have to put my check stuff in separate places & that's a great thing. I'm considering getting another one & my husband's even considering buying one off that site. I've also made sure to tell people about it, especially women since I know women generally love being able to carry more with the least amount of bulk possible.
Another site where I saw some cool stuff is Shabby Apple. Now I bought two silk dresses on there, including one I'm going to wear for a friend's event on the 4th of July (the Liberty Belle Spectacular, where if you want to see great burlesque performers and get a generally high class experience without pretension you should go to if you're in NYC; I swear, seeing their burlesque performers ruined us seeing other burlesque performers). I'm also not just saying that stuff b/c of my friend being involved in it; my husband liked going & he's not big on dressing up or even really socializing with people. He's hard to please when it comes to events, let me tell you. You'll also see some really great outfits if you go.
One word about Shabby Apple: I had to get their smallest size (XXS: What is a short way to say that? -2X?) but it does fit me. If you have your measurements, their sizing guide is accurate. The dresses weren't even super tight & if you like a more modest length, they're a little pricey but it is the place for you. I've read reviews on their products & I've read they are hit or miss with their merchandise but I will be reviewing the dress I got that has zero reviews at present. It was one of those dresses that seems like a perfect staple for my wardrobe. I may buy more on the site but haven't decided yet.
I don't like that you couldn't at least exchange their sale merchandize if the size was wrong & being a first time customer who usually has to try on a size or two to determine what size I wear in a particular store/brand, that bothers me but at least this was a useful $150 instead of being a total waste, right?
So, with these shout outs done (and I encourage you to check out these links & see if you find stuff you like on the sites) it's time for a lesson in movie/theater viewing etiquette.
I went to a film screening as part of a festival yesterday & read a status today from a friend who apparently went to a screening of "Magic Mike" where some woman brought a baby. This is a movie about a male stripper. So, for those of you not in this business or trying to get in here are some ground rules for movie viewing whether you're at a festival or in a big chain theater:
1. Don't bring children to a film that's not appropriate for their ages! When my sister & I were little, my parents saw National Lampoon's Vacation in the theater. We did not go; they left us with a sitter. I also can't see my sister taking her young kids to an R rated movie nor any other parent I know of, in fact. Who the fuck are these people to bring their children to this stuff?
For one thing, people paid good money for their tickets. I'm sure some of those people are parents who left their kids with a sitter & didn't come to the movies to hear your child (spawn might be more appropriate here) screaming, talking and causing a disturbance. None of the rest of us did either & if you don't enact some discipline I promise you someone in that audience will. Don't forget about that guy who got into a fistfight with a parent who wouldn't quiet their kids or adults who have hit other people's children over crap like that. If you want to be beaten or have your kids beaten over that, don't say you weren't warned. Oh, and the audience won't be siding with you; they will probably cheer for the person who hit you or that noisy child.
Now even if your child is well behaved, I still don't think you need to be bringing it to an R rated film. No filmmaker wants to be responsible for your child having nightmares because you were too shitty a parent to exercise some parental discretion & say "No, you can't watch the tear-jerking movie where the little kid dies. End of discussion." I'm sure some of these parents would try filing lawsuits against the theater chain, the major studio who put out the movie or in the case of a film festival, the festival organizers or the festival itself for accepting adult content.
2. Film festivals are generally not child friendly. Do not assume all the content in one will be child friendly because let me tell you, there's lot of indie film that's not appropriate for kids. When we were screening Cookies & Cream, I did tell someone I'd invited who had kids that unless she wanted to have to explain to her kids what a web cam girl is she might not want them to see it. There was no graphic content, no sex scenes in the film but indies do cover topics that parents may not want to discuss with young children.
You could probably take well behaved teenagers to most film festivals (heck, I think you may as well let them see R rated films at this point since they could get porn online just like that) but I wouldn't take a kid under 10 unless you knew about all the films & their stories. It's not fair to filmmakers to have to censor themselves & it's not fair to parents who do have some sense of what is or isn't appropriate for their kids to be exposed to. There are bound to be festivals somewhere covering films specifically for the child audience & if there isn't, someone could probably start one.
3. If you are in the midst of a program, don't leave until the entire program is over. Would you want people to walk out in the middle of YOUR friend's film? It is 100% disrespectful, just as disrespectful as walking in in the middle of the film & being noisy, whether you are sitting or standing. Of all the places you don't do this, a film festival is one of them. People are judged by the company they keep & if you want your filmmaker friend/family member to be liked, you don't need to make him/her look uncouth, classless and rude by doing this. You have to remember that you're being watched at all times and in all settings, especially in the entertainment business. Plus you never know where the next talent is or who might have a really good project if you're not giving other people's work a chance.
Many performers I know outright said not to leave when your friend's performance was done when they were doing shows. This is an even bigger offense in theater and live stage shows. I'll tell you this: had I not hung around for the roast of the head of the studio where I did my improv classes, I wouldn't have gotten to see an example of how a roast should be done. If NYC Bar did their "Twelfth Night" shows as this roast was done, there'd be a lot more accessibility & I'd personally have a lot more fun there.
You'd definitely better not do this if you're an actor & in general, it will endear you to no one. It's also considered snotty & that's not the foot you want to be showing folk when they don't know you or the person you're supporting.
4. If you're new to the entertainment business, you'd better be networking your little heart out. I still network and I've been doing this nearly 5 years now. Most people who have been in this field for decades even still network with people in the field since they know the up & comers have different mindsets and ideas that could be beneficial to them. There's also that whole guidance & mentoring aspect and most people like to feel appreciated as well as competent. There are many times when you don't in just about any sphere in life. You network EVERYWHERE (remember how people are always watching you?) but especially at a film festival.
Why should you network so hard if you're new to a business (especially entertainment)? Because it can make or break you. If you've got a good & unique brand, people start remembering you. These days, people have heard of me even if I don't know them and are initially talking to them. That gets interesting. If you are an ass, however, people remember that as well & it can hurt you. Most people I know in this industry don't want to deal with assholes: I sure don't & have never met anyone who wanted to deal with that.
If no one knows who you are, you are NOT going to win out on a job or consideration for work over someone a company/higher up there already knows is reliable, trustworthy, pleasant to be around, etc. So this means you need to be sticking around, talking to people & at the very least, not being a jerk to anyone since they might be working with a more established company or have a TON of useful contacts you aren't aware of.
If you don't want to do this, then don't pursue the entertainment field professionally. Simple as that. You will just crash & burn if you can't network effectively in it or at least get a partner who can do that stuff. There's no shame in having someone else network for you as a business owner if it's not one of your strengths but you will want to develop it so your partner doesn't end up getting all the contacts if you get into a dispute & that person decides to set up a competing shop.
The first one goes to Big Skinny Wallets. I got a wallet there from a Groupon deal. While I'm never wild about paying for shipping, this is the real thing when it comes to skinny wallets. Around the time that Groupon deal came up, I was looking for a thinner wallet. I traditionally have had the problem of smaller handbags & big, fat wallets since I carry more stuff in mine. Recently, I got the black leather handbag I'd been looking for since high school. Seriously, I saw one when I worked at JcPenney and was kicking myself for years for not getting it when I did. I was into carrying much funkier bags then; I still am to a point but I also like classic black leather done in a basic, modern style.
Basically, as a creative type I like a diversity in clothing & accessories to cover whatever mood I'm in or whatever look I need for a given event/activity. I've also been having problems recently with cheaply made things falling apart, including handbags so when I saw a sale on the Macy's website I figured it was time for an upgrade. As I may have mentioned before, we've been on a quality push. Basically, pay for quality if you can get it while keeping to a fair rate/taking advantage of sales.
I'm seriously happy with the one I got since I could finally get a little more in my purse. Plus, I don't have to put my check stuff in separate places & that's a great thing. I'm considering getting another one & my husband's even considering buying one off that site. I've also made sure to tell people about it, especially women since I know women generally love being able to carry more with the least amount of bulk possible.
Another site where I saw some cool stuff is Shabby Apple. Now I bought two silk dresses on there, including one I'm going to wear for a friend's event on the 4th of July (the Liberty Belle Spectacular, where if you want to see great burlesque performers and get a generally high class experience without pretension you should go to if you're in NYC; I swear, seeing their burlesque performers ruined us seeing other burlesque performers). I'm also not just saying that stuff b/c of my friend being involved in it; my husband liked going & he's not big on dressing up or even really socializing with people. He's hard to please when it comes to events, let me tell you. You'll also see some really great outfits if you go.
One word about Shabby Apple: I had to get their smallest size (XXS: What is a short way to say that? -2X?) but it does fit me. If you have your measurements, their sizing guide is accurate. The dresses weren't even super tight & if you like a more modest length, they're a little pricey but it is the place for you. I've read reviews on their products & I've read they are hit or miss with their merchandise but I will be reviewing the dress I got that has zero reviews at present. It was one of those dresses that seems like a perfect staple for my wardrobe. I may buy more on the site but haven't decided yet.
I don't like that you couldn't at least exchange their sale merchandize if the size was wrong & being a first time customer who usually has to try on a size or two to determine what size I wear in a particular store/brand, that bothers me but at least this was a useful $150 instead of being a total waste, right?
So, with these shout outs done (and I encourage you to check out these links & see if you find stuff you like on the sites) it's time for a lesson in movie/theater viewing etiquette.
I went to a film screening as part of a festival yesterday & read a status today from a friend who apparently went to a screening of "Magic Mike" where some woman brought a baby. This is a movie about a male stripper. So, for those of you not in this business or trying to get in here are some ground rules for movie viewing whether you're at a festival or in a big chain theater:
1. Don't bring children to a film that's not appropriate for their ages! When my sister & I were little, my parents saw National Lampoon's Vacation in the theater. We did not go; they left us with a sitter. I also can't see my sister taking her young kids to an R rated movie nor any other parent I know of, in fact. Who the fuck are these people to bring their children to this stuff?
For one thing, people paid good money for their tickets. I'm sure some of those people are parents who left their kids with a sitter & didn't come to the movies to hear your child (spawn might be more appropriate here) screaming, talking and causing a disturbance. None of the rest of us did either & if you don't enact some discipline I promise you someone in that audience will. Don't forget about that guy who got into a fistfight with a parent who wouldn't quiet their kids or adults who have hit other people's children over crap like that. If you want to be beaten or have your kids beaten over that, don't say you weren't warned. Oh, and the audience won't be siding with you; they will probably cheer for the person who hit you or that noisy child.
Now even if your child is well behaved, I still don't think you need to be bringing it to an R rated film. No filmmaker wants to be responsible for your child having nightmares because you were too shitty a parent to exercise some parental discretion & say "No, you can't watch the tear-jerking movie where the little kid dies. End of discussion." I'm sure some of these parents would try filing lawsuits against the theater chain, the major studio who put out the movie or in the case of a film festival, the festival organizers or the festival itself for accepting adult content.
2. Film festivals are generally not child friendly. Do not assume all the content in one will be child friendly because let me tell you, there's lot of indie film that's not appropriate for kids. When we were screening Cookies & Cream, I did tell someone I'd invited who had kids that unless she wanted to have to explain to her kids what a web cam girl is she might not want them to see it. There was no graphic content, no sex scenes in the film but indies do cover topics that parents may not want to discuss with young children.
You could probably take well behaved teenagers to most film festivals (heck, I think you may as well let them see R rated films at this point since they could get porn online just like that) but I wouldn't take a kid under 10 unless you knew about all the films & their stories. It's not fair to filmmakers to have to censor themselves & it's not fair to parents who do have some sense of what is or isn't appropriate for their kids to be exposed to. There are bound to be festivals somewhere covering films specifically for the child audience & if there isn't, someone could probably start one.
3. If you are in the midst of a program, don't leave until the entire program is over. Would you want people to walk out in the middle of YOUR friend's film? It is 100% disrespectful, just as disrespectful as walking in in the middle of the film & being noisy, whether you are sitting or standing. Of all the places you don't do this, a film festival is one of them. People are judged by the company they keep & if you want your filmmaker friend/family member to be liked, you don't need to make him/her look uncouth, classless and rude by doing this. You have to remember that you're being watched at all times and in all settings, especially in the entertainment business. Plus you never know where the next talent is or who might have a really good project if you're not giving other people's work a chance.
Many performers I know outright said not to leave when your friend's performance was done when they were doing shows. This is an even bigger offense in theater and live stage shows. I'll tell you this: had I not hung around for the roast of the head of the studio where I did my improv classes, I wouldn't have gotten to see an example of how a roast should be done. If NYC Bar did their "Twelfth Night" shows as this roast was done, there'd be a lot more accessibility & I'd personally have a lot more fun there.
You'd definitely better not do this if you're an actor & in general, it will endear you to no one. It's also considered snotty & that's not the foot you want to be showing folk when they don't know you or the person you're supporting.
4. If you're new to the entertainment business, you'd better be networking your little heart out. I still network and I've been doing this nearly 5 years now. Most people who have been in this field for decades even still network with people in the field since they know the up & comers have different mindsets and ideas that could be beneficial to them. There's also that whole guidance & mentoring aspect and most people like to feel appreciated as well as competent. There are many times when you don't in just about any sphere in life. You network EVERYWHERE (remember how people are always watching you?) but especially at a film festival.
Why should you network so hard if you're new to a business (especially entertainment)? Because it can make or break you. If you've got a good & unique brand, people start remembering you. These days, people have heard of me even if I don't know them and are initially talking to them. That gets interesting. If you are an ass, however, people remember that as well & it can hurt you. Most people I know in this industry don't want to deal with assholes: I sure don't & have never met anyone who wanted to deal with that.
If no one knows who you are, you are NOT going to win out on a job or consideration for work over someone a company/higher up there already knows is reliable, trustworthy, pleasant to be around, etc. So this means you need to be sticking around, talking to people & at the very least, not being a jerk to anyone since they might be working with a more established company or have a TON of useful contacts you aren't aware of.
If you don't want to do this, then don't pursue the entertainment field professionally. Simple as that. You will just crash & burn if you can't network effectively in it or at least get a partner who can do that stuff. There's no shame in having someone else network for you as a business owner if it's not one of your strengths but you will want to develop it so your partner doesn't end up getting all the contacts if you get into a dispute & that person decides to set up a competing shop.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The Wedding Saga Part 3
Now, we're on Monday in this trip. Monday was an eventful day since we had to pick up my dress and determine if it would fit.
There was some very bad things going on with the alterations person. When the other ladies had gone to get their dresses, they'd needed some alterations. However, the other tall, skinny woman who was in this wedding (the groom's stepsister) did not need them at all; her dress fit everywhere perfectly. My sister presumed that since I'm of a similar height and weight, mine would also be fine.
Furthermore, this alterations person had royally screwed up on fixing things & in the case of the other matron of honor the dress had to be re-done because she'd used coral colored thread on something that should have been done in yellow. These dresses already took a very long time to arrive so this simply added to the dress.
We got my dress. I had to try it on much later because other things were going on. My sister had to meet up with her future mother in law to discuss food at the reception. This being my first time in a Sam's Club, I decide to wander around and compare the selection to warehouse clubs I've been to. It's very similar to the stock at BJ's & I did manage to get a few things while there since her MIL was kind enough to use her card for such purposes.
My sister also really did not want to subject another person to this alterations lady. Hell, she probably didn't want to expose this woman to me because if you screw up a nice outfit of mine, I'll unleash a huge tirade & probably threaten legal action against you if not outright bodily harm. I may even commit it for all we know. I'd have refused to pay for someone else's fuck up but in the South, you have to deal with people who grouse later but faux happily pay for someone else's screw up. I'm way too assertive & value my money too much for that.
Check out the shoes I wore:
Believe it or not, these were 4 inch heels. My mom & everyone else seemed shocked I could walk well in these.
You'd think these would be high enough for my dress & my biggest problem would be these making it too short. Nope!
The dress was very long. In fact, my mom said the hem should be taken up about 1/2 an inch or maybe an inch. My sister starts on the quest for shoes with a higher heel and a lighter silver shade. She claimed those were too dark. I was simply the model here, thanks.
Speaking of which, when I tried on the dress, my sister claimed that I had the perfect figure for it and ought to be modeling for the company that made it.
You hear that? I would be thrilled to get a job where I got to model evening dresses. Hell, if you give me some money & free clothing I'll be a very happy camper; I'd even take free clothing if you paid for my travel costs. It would be more of that positive reinforcement of "you're pretty" that I didn't get much of as a kid. More sticking it to those jerk guys who wouldn't date me or declared me ugly back in the day; I'm also big on symbolism.
Ultimately, the shoe hunt (which went into Tuesday) was a wash so I ended up with these shoes. It was believed that since I could walk in them down the aisle & didn't trip on the dress, I'd be fine. These people apparently forgot that I used to dress up most days in high school complete with heeled shoes since I worked at JcPenney at the time and got good discounts on stuff I could wear to work.
Guess who we run into at this Sam's Club...the other matron of honor with her young daughter. She proceeds to hang out with us more that day, including eating lunch with us.
Now I don't know why but her daughter formed a bond with me and wanted to hang out with me. I had no problem obliging. While I have no desire to have children of my own, I'm not a child hater. I love my nephews and I really feel for this kid and all the crap she's had to go through with her mother in the past year. Her home life was completely shattered because of her mother's behavior. She told me about seeing her dad & talked about him most of the time I talked to her; you can tell she loves him.
This also provides me with a good excuse to not to deal with the matron of honor. My 1 year old nephew was also there so I spent my time interacting with the kids. I also felt it was important to try building a bond with my nephew since it's not like he'd get to see me again for a while.
Another upside of the day was getting some strapless bras in my impossible to find size. My cousin happened to work at the place where I got them and recommended a great product that hasn't slipped on me once. I even got some free socks because the bras were enough to earn me a free package. Nice, huh? Believe me, this was extremely valuable to me.
Continuing this shoe hunt into Tuesday, more events are planned. We're slated to go for nail work and pedicures with this matron of honor as well as her daughter, the flower girl. Her daughter's a girly girl who's really looking forward to the event. However, I'm not really looking forward to dealing w/her mother since I like to decide who I deal with. For my sister's sake and in agreement with her, I'm maintaining civility until the wedding is over.
In part 4, I'll discuss what happens when you give an eyebrow wax to someone who's skin apparently hates her, getting your first pedicure and more interesting tales I need to purge from my system.
There was some very bad things going on with the alterations person. When the other ladies had gone to get their dresses, they'd needed some alterations. However, the other tall, skinny woman who was in this wedding (the groom's stepsister) did not need them at all; her dress fit everywhere perfectly. My sister presumed that since I'm of a similar height and weight, mine would also be fine.
Furthermore, this alterations person had royally screwed up on fixing things & in the case of the other matron of honor the dress had to be re-done because she'd used coral colored thread on something that should have been done in yellow. These dresses already took a very long time to arrive so this simply added to the dress.
We got my dress. I had to try it on much later because other things were going on. My sister had to meet up with her future mother in law to discuss food at the reception. This being my first time in a Sam's Club, I decide to wander around and compare the selection to warehouse clubs I've been to. It's very similar to the stock at BJ's & I did manage to get a few things while there since her MIL was kind enough to use her card for such purposes.
My sister also really did not want to subject another person to this alterations lady. Hell, she probably didn't want to expose this woman to me because if you screw up a nice outfit of mine, I'll unleash a huge tirade & probably threaten legal action against you if not outright bodily harm. I may even commit it for all we know. I'd have refused to pay for someone else's fuck up but in the South, you have to deal with people who grouse later but faux happily pay for someone else's screw up. I'm way too assertive & value my money too much for that.
Check out the shoes I wore:
Believe it or not, these were 4 inch heels. My mom & everyone else seemed shocked I could walk well in these.
You'd think these would be high enough for my dress & my biggest problem would be these making it too short. Nope!
The dress was very long. In fact, my mom said the hem should be taken up about 1/2 an inch or maybe an inch. My sister starts on the quest for shoes with a higher heel and a lighter silver shade. She claimed those were too dark. I was simply the model here, thanks.
Speaking of which, when I tried on the dress, my sister claimed that I had the perfect figure for it and ought to be modeling for the company that made it.
You hear that? I would be thrilled to get a job where I got to model evening dresses. Hell, if you give me some money & free clothing I'll be a very happy camper; I'd even take free clothing if you paid for my travel costs. It would be more of that positive reinforcement of "you're pretty" that I didn't get much of as a kid. More sticking it to those jerk guys who wouldn't date me or declared me ugly back in the day; I'm also big on symbolism.
Ultimately, the shoe hunt (which went into Tuesday) was a wash so I ended up with these shoes. It was believed that since I could walk in them down the aisle & didn't trip on the dress, I'd be fine. These people apparently forgot that I used to dress up most days in high school complete with heeled shoes since I worked at JcPenney at the time and got good discounts on stuff I could wear to work.
Guess who we run into at this Sam's Club...the other matron of honor with her young daughter. She proceeds to hang out with us more that day, including eating lunch with us.
Now I don't know why but her daughter formed a bond with me and wanted to hang out with me. I had no problem obliging. While I have no desire to have children of my own, I'm not a child hater. I love my nephews and I really feel for this kid and all the crap she's had to go through with her mother in the past year. Her home life was completely shattered because of her mother's behavior. She told me about seeing her dad & talked about him most of the time I talked to her; you can tell she loves him.
This also provides me with a good excuse to not to deal with the matron of honor. My 1 year old nephew was also there so I spent my time interacting with the kids. I also felt it was important to try building a bond with my nephew since it's not like he'd get to see me again for a while.
Another upside of the day was getting some strapless bras in my impossible to find size. My cousin happened to work at the place where I got them and recommended a great product that hasn't slipped on me once. I even got some free socks because the bras were enough to earn me a free package. Nice, huh? Believe me, this was extremely valuable to me.
Continuing this shoe hunt into Tuesday, more events are planned. We're slated to go for nail work and pedicures with this matron of honor as well as her daughter, the flower girl. Her daughter's a girly girl who's really looking forward to the event. However, I'm not really looking forward to dealing w/her mother since I like to decide who I deal with. For my sister's sake and in agreement with her, I'm maintaining civility until the wedding is over.
In part 4, I'll discuss what happens when you give an eyebrow wax to someone who's skin apparently hates her, getting your first pedicure and more interesting tales I need to purge from my system.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Clothing Products For the Lazy - A New Low
We're all familiar with the Snuggie and pajama jeans as well as their design solely for the lazy among us. Okay, the Snuggie would also be useful for those who want to pretend they are members of a religious cult (I'm still waiting to see someone do that on a NYC subway while begging for money); if I got one, I'd have to add some Velcro to the back so it would close.
And perhaps pajama jeans are useful if you're suffering from a long term illness where you have some good days but why, oh why, would you wear such a thing outdoors among the public? If appearances count in the world, single people who want to date & actors would never be caught dead in them. Same goes for fashionistas. Standards, people! Please? If you want a hot guy, you'll not get him wearing pajama jeans (I'm sure this is just as true for gay men as straight women).
But I just saw a commercial for a product that illustrates a new low in laziness: the Genie Bra. If you haven't seen that infomercial yet, chances are you will soon. Just in case you don't, go here to learn about it.
The pitch of the thing asks if you're unhappy having back fat when you wear your bra or having fat leaking out from the top of your breasts, pitching the "Genie Bra" as the way to prevent such things.
Okay, as someone who worked in a lingerie department for 3 years & learned how to get the proper bra size let me clear up the mystery.
The reason you have back fat when wearing a bra is because the band is too small!!!
You have fat coming out of your bra cup because your bra cup is too small!!!
50% of women don't wear the proper bra size. My mother made a big deal about making sure that didn't happen to us.
So instead of wasting your money on an As Seen on TV infomercial product that may not even work, let me give you some real advice:
1. Go to a lingerie store & get a salesperson to measure you to determine your size. Not a Wal-Mart or Target & maybe not even a JcPenney (where I did my lingerie work but God only knows if they still include that in new employee training since I haven't worked there in over 10 years). Ideally, you have access to a small, independent lingerie shop where the sales staff have time to give you personal attention but I'm sure a Victoria's Secret would suffice.
2. Stop living in the delusion that you are a size that doesn't fit. Guess what?? You might be fat now. Stop bitching about this & go buy a bra that fits. No one else is going to see the band or cup size unless you take your bra off or decide to be intimate with someone. If someone can tell this by sight, they are either a pervert who doesn't deserve the time of day or a professional who has more class than to announce such things to the world. If that professional does not, again a pervert who doesn't deserve the time of day.
Do you get it? Maybe you'd have a case if you're a stripper but most women aren't working in the adult industry & if this bothers you, chances are you don't either. Otherwise, you've got some very good drugs that people would probably pay you a fortune to get.
This is one of those things that most people don't notice or comment on unless you're whining about it.
Products like this are just encouraging laziness & making people stupid. Do we really need more of that in this country? Isn't GPS enough?
If you're in a country that's not experiencing a massive brain drain, please tell me where that magical land is so I can consider it when planning a vacation & in any future immigration plans.
And perhaps pajama jeans are useful if you're suffering from a long term illness where you have some good days but why, oh why, would you wear such a thing outdoors among the public? If appearances count in the world, single people who want to date & actors would never be caught dead in them. Same goes for fashionistas. Standards, people! Please? If you want a hot guy, you'll not get him wearing pajama jeans (I'm sure this is just as true for gay men as straight women).
But I just saw a commercial for a product that illustrates a new low in laziness: the Genie Bra. If you haven't seen that infomercial yet, chances are you will soon. Just in case you don't, go here to learn about it.
The pitch of the thing asks if you're unhappy having back fat when you wear your bra or having fat leaking out from the top of your breasts, pitching the "Genie Bra" as the way to prevent such things.
Okay, as someone who worked in a lingerie department for 3 years & learned how to get the proper bra size let me clear up the mystery.
The reason you have back fat when wearing a bra is because the band is too small!!!
You have fat coming out of your bra cup because your bra cup is too small!!!
50% of women don't wear the proper bra size. My mother made a big deal about making sure that didn't happen to us.
So instead of wasting your money on an As Seen on TV infomercial product that may not even work, let me give you some real advice:
1. Go to a lingerie store & get a salesperson to measure you to determine your size. Not a Wal-Mart or Target & maybe not even a JcPenney (where I did my lingerie work but God only knows if they still include that in new employee training since I haven't worked there in over 10 years). Ideally, you have access to a small, independent lingerie shop where the sales staff have time to give you personal attention but I'm sure a Victoria's Secret would suffice.
2. Stop living in the delusion that you are a size that doesn't fit. Guess what?? You might be fat now. Stop bitching about this & go buy a bra that fits. No one else is going to see the band or cup size unless you take your bra off or decide to be intimate with someone. If someone can tell this by sight, they are either a pervert who doesn't deserve the time of day or a professional who has more class than to announce such things to the world. If that professional does not, again a pervert who doesn't deserve the time of day.
Do you get it? Maybe you'd have a case if you're a stripper but most women aren't working in the adult industry & if this bothers you, chances are you don't either. Otherwise, you've got some very good drugs that people would probably pay you a fortune to get.
This is one of those things that most people don't notice or comment on unless you're whining about it.
Products like this are just encouraging laziness & making people stupid. Do we really need more of that in this country? Isn't GPS enough?
If you're in a country that's not experiencing a massive brain drain, please tell me where that magical land is so I can consider it when planning a vacation & in any future immigration plans.
Friday, August 6, 2010
My Singing Debut
It went well. I came in there, did my songs. Unfortunately, the act was cut a little short due to time but my spy tells me I did very well & people responded to me. It's that feeling that makes you a performer; when being on stage is something that gives you a high. I've felt that since high school, honestly. Even though I wasn't even close to well-liked, I always got acknowledgment for my creative abilities. Let me give you an idea of what I mean:
When I was a senior in high school, I sang in my school's talent show. Most of the performers came in with R&B influenced songs & acts (hey, my high school had a very significant black population & a good chunk of those people were my friends). I, being the non-conformist I am, choose to sing a song by The Cranberries. I spent my youth hating the fact that I was different & had a perpetual spotlight on me b/c of my hair but by the time I got to high school, I'd learned to embrace my differences & keep following my own drummer.
So what happened afterward? I got asked to sing in the weirdest places & at the oddest times. When I was getting someone out of class as a guidance office page, a whole class asked me to sing. When I was working at JcPenney one day, a group of girls walk by singing the song I sang in that show.
The most unusual was when I was going to Pizza Hut with my mother. One of the employees recognizes me as "that girl from the talent show" and asks me to sing. I started singing & my mother's dumbfounded. She can't believe I'm standing here singing in the Pizza Hut for this person.
I say "Mom, if they hated my singing they wouldn't ask 'Will you sing?" They'd say 'Never sing again.'" And they did indeed ask me for that out of my having talent & not to make me look bad. It was a victory considering I was extremely paranoid about people's intentions in those days. I had good reason; most of the kids I had to spend time with were gossipy, manipulative assholes. Guess that's why I refuse to work in the typical law firm job as an associate, huh?
Now, time to watch Rocko's Modern Life for as long as I'm able to stay awake.
When I was a senior in high school, I sang in my school's talent show. Most of the performers came in with R&B influenced songs & acts (hey, my high school had a very significant black population & a good chunk of those people were my friends). I, being the non-conformist I am, choose to sing a song by The Cranberries. I spent my youth hating the fact that I was different & had a perpetual spotlight on me b/c of my hair but by the time I got to high school, I'd learned to embrace my differences & keep following my own drummer.
So what happened afterward? I got asked to sing in the weirdest places & at the oddest times. When I was getting someone out of class as a guidance office page, a whole class asked me to sing. When I was working at JcPenney one day, a group of girls walk by singing the song I sang in that show.
The most unusual was when I was going to Pizza Hut with my mother. One of the employees recognizes me as "that girl from the talent show" and asks me to sing. I started singing & my mother's dumbfounded. She can't believe I'm standing here singing in the Pizza Hut for this person.
I say "Mom, if they hated my singing they wouldn't ask 'Will you sing?" They'd say 'Never sing again.'" And they did indeed ask me for that out of my having talent & not to make me look bad. It was a victory considering I was extremely paranoid about people's intentions in those days. I had good reason; most of the kids I had to spend time with were gossipy, manipulative assholes. Guess that's why I refuse to work in the typical law firm job as an associate, huh?
Now, time to watch Rocko's Modern Life for as long as I'm able to stay awake.
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