Severely Delusional People & Why Unconditional Love is a Myth

I'm amazed at the completely delusional nature of some people. For some reason, the last people I'd expect to want to deal with me have been sending me LinkedIn connection requests. One came from someone I filed a lawsuit against in small claims court. In fact, I could have appeared on TV if I'd kept that case going & not gotten my money; I did get a call from The People's Court over it.

Yesterday's was a doozy, though. It came from someone who headed an enterprise I later learned was illegal to engage in in one of the states where I have a law license.

I told the grievance committee of that state the owner's name & offered to give them whatever they wanted to keep this guy from getting another attorney there to violate ethics rules. Why on earth would he want to have me as a LinkedIn connection?

Who does this to people? What would possess you to be a LinkedIn connection with someone who disapproves of you, sued you, or did something heinous to you or your business? I refuse all these since there's that saying "Birds of a feather flock together." Why would I let you be my connection & fuck up MY reputation with your general fuckery?

I'm sure people get these requests on Facebook as well. Again, I ask why. Plus, I'm pretty direct when I don't want to deal with someone. I don't leave that stuff in the air or make you think things could be cool between us someday after the tempest has passed. If you've done something truly awful to me, I'll tell you. I will also tell you that you're dead to me or not to bother contacting me ever again. It takes real effort to make me feel that way but once you do, there's no turning back. My dislike & general hatred on someone who's wronged me is legendary: you can ask around. In fact, I'm so direct with people on that stuff precisely so I don't have to get their Facebook friend request or their LinkedIn connection request. LinkedIn really needs a block button, I swear. Situations like this are why we need block buttons; there are some severely delusional people on this planet.

Today, I actually went to my first 2 social events since my father died. Something told me to go to the second one even though I found out about it hours before the other one. The subway schedule told me to go to that one first so I did. Turned out to be a good move on my part. Did have some good conversations & hopefully will have new contacts from it. Got home really late & I'm sure to be fucking up my sleep before going to the doctor who handles girly parts tomorrow.

I've not had a check-up in years since my last one dropped off the face of the earth, literally. His number was disconnected, his website vanished, all trace of him was gone (which sucked). A childfree person like me doesn't have an easy time getting one & even though I already had a tubal, I don't need anyone foisting the Church of Baby on me. Spare me! I've got a total of 6 nieces & nephews. More kids is the last thing my family needs; I also have zero patience so maybe not such a good idea to tell me about the joys of motherhood & how I'm incomplete as a person unless I breed. I only look at providers in Manhattan since the jerks in my area kept telling me they were going to talk me out of getting a tubal like I was 15 years old; it's weird that there are people in Queens who act like they live in rural Kentucky or something. That bothers me on multiple levels & makes me feel isolated from it.

The office I called was able to see me tomorrow so I was like "Okay." I also got my assurance I wouldn't be getting harassed on that issue. I think if I did, I would have to point out the latest attempts to turn women into barefoot, pregnant baby factories with no brains or ambitions of their own. Sorry but I'd have to kill myself in that world or become a prostitute/comfort girl. I'm sure those who know me could totally see me being a hooker in that society. Maybe I'd become the hooker who killed the biggest offenders of sexism in her off time using creative methods.

So, why is unconditional love a myth? I was telling this to a friend of mine today in describing something personal about me I was pretty sure he didn't know. Not sure if he agreed with me on it but if you disagree, I'm going to break it down for you if you hear me out.

I was telling him of my long established policy of telling any guy who wanted to be serious with me that I wasn't going to relive my childhood of living with an alcoholic & that it would be unfair to ask me to do so. Selfish, cruel, those words could fit as well. If you lived through things in your childhood or a prior relationship, there's no way you'd regress to that experience if you'd fully made it out.

"Unconditional" means you take someone regardless, no matter what. But most of us wouldn't say that means you have to stay with a domestic abuser. Well, living with an alcoholic or a drug dealer would be for me the equivalent of suffering domestic violence except you're living that mentally & emotionally. If you haven't lived it, you can't really grasp what it's like.

To avoid worrying about anyone I cared about becoming an alcoholic, my policy was not to marry a drinker. My mom even told us not to do that & used her own story as proof of what happens if you do. She didn't marry him as an asshole drunk who had blackouts, damaged her property & made her fear for her personal safety. He progressed to that. I live my life with passion & if you're my friend, I care a lot about you. Imagine how I feel about my husband. Luckily, he's not given me that fear.

I think everyone's got a breaking point, an area where they'd say "Enough is enough! I'm out of here." To love unconditionally would be irrational in my book since that means you're taking the domestic abuser for life, you're giving up everything for someone (including your identity, your friends, your interests, anything you hold dear) & you become a doormat. Maybe I'm just not as good a person or am more selfish but I think people shouldn't be condemned or punished for refusing to give up who they are or let their "love" abuse them, whether it's physically, mentally, sexually, whatever. For me, that's not love. It wouldn't be love for me if my husband ignored me on that whole alcohol thing & started acting just like my father did when I was younger.

I tolerated much more from guys I simply dated than anyone I wanted a future with. Drinking wasn't a big deal to me from dates since I didn't have to live with them or deal with shared finances. I also avoided asshole drunks & only went out with social drinkers. A big difference but when you go through something like that, you feel like you've survived a long battle. I definitely did and freedom was (and still is) a huge thing for me. When you haven't had it, you cherish it when you get it.

Find me someone who's got unconditional love for someone & I'll show you how it isn't unconditional. I'd definitely put you in the severely delusional category if you in fact had unconditional love for someone; it would mean you have no personal identity or only have it at your spouse's leisure.

Why My Autobiography Just Begs to Be Written Someday

Among the other things I've done in my life, I learned more information amidst the death of my father that just screams "writing inspiration."

First off, my former friend who showed her ass at my sister's wedding chose the day after my father collapsed & was in the hospital to try apologizing for it and shoving her way back into my life. Real fucking nice there, huh? My husband went to his Other inbox to find the date on this little message. She told my sister she'd sent it weeks before; ha!

Doesn't that sound ghoulish to you? I really think it does. While I was in town, she kept calling my sister & trying to come over. Christ, what the fuck is that about? She probably figured I was staying there or spending time there. Exactly what would she hope to accomplish by talking to someone whose father has just died? That sounds to me like trying to prey on someone's vulnerability. I made it crystal clear that I didn't want to deal with her so injecting herself where I don't want her is the emotional equivalent of punching me in the face.

What sane person would do that to someone? If you're so hellbent on talking to someone, send a Sympathy card. Talk to the people who want to talk to you! Don't inject yourself into someone else's grieving experience!

I had to play "dodge the ex-friend" at the wake since I figured she'd have zero respect or regard even if my mother & sister told her not to speak to me. Though I think she could firebomb a church & my sister would still be friends with her. Meanwhile, had I pulled the shit this ex-friend did at my sister's wedding my sister would have cut me off completely & I'd have never seen my niece or nephews again.

My husband thinks I did this to get my mind off the whole wake experience. Looking at my father in the casket, he didn't look the same. He was chalk white & looked old. Even in the hospital he had more color though that wasn't him either. I have a nasty Yelp review to write very soon about the doctor who tried to deprive me of saying goodbye.

Before that wake, I did get in a fight with my mother over the same old clothing battle again. Even in death, she felt she had the right to tell me what to wear & had all this objection over my shirt that says "Good Girls Go to Heaven, Bad Girls Go to New York." She thought that the pastor they had doing the service would get a laugh from it but claimed "that's not appropriate to wear." I refused to budge on that issue & opted to stay home. At least one friend agreed with me on this; I couldn't see her ever letting anyone censor her style so I figured I shouldn't do it either. Gee, I don't live there, don't go to that church, am not even in that religion & am a grown woman!

Sooner or later you have to say "Enough is enough." Just because my sister asks my mother's approval on clothing doesn't mean I should have to. Plus, I'm a model & live in NYC; I know more about fashion than they do. Nor should they get any right to try shaming me into being a frump. I knew my father wouldn't care & was never obsessed with trying to infantalize me. Maybe to piss my mom off if she dies before me, I should really wear a stripper like outfit to the funeral (in black, of course)!

On Wednesday, the funeral, I opted not to wear makeup. While I was soaking my eyes, my father's cat Layla jumped onto the bed. My mom was saying she missed her Daddy; it made me cry since I knew this cat wasn't going to get the same affection from anyone that she got from him. I thought about how my cats would feel if my husband or I died, especially my Russian Blue since his breed gets super attached to their humans. Considering I was barely able to get my contacts in from drying out my eyes with tears, I figured eye makeup would be a bad idea. Plus if I'm wearing it I get very conscientious about not messing it up.

I got to wear my black silk dress that I'd gotten ages ago & felt would be the perfect funeral dress. It was sporadically raining outside & I was worried I'd be getting it soaked i.e. ruining it. I was assured I looked gorgeous in it; if you saw it & already think I am even in my worst times, you'd have probably thought so as well.

We got a family car from the funeral home at my sister's request so I rode in that with even the driver holding an umbrella to protect my dress while I traipsed the muddy driveway to the limo. In so many ways it was a tight squeeze and as someone who both isn't a "believer" + is childfree, it was not pleasant for me. I couldn't help but cry at parts of the service & when they played "Taps" as part of the military portion of the funeral. My father really didn't know a stranger; as part of his being gone, I'm trying to be less closed off on the unpleasant stuff.

I've still felt compelled to cry at times. Sometimes little things triggered it like seeing Layla and petting her. For some reason, she wasn't nearly as skittish as she was in the past. I sure don't want to hear about Father's Day shit; in fact, I'd rather not celebrate it at all. Can't even imagine how Thanksgiving or Christmas will be; they feel a million miles away right now.

I did write a letter to say the things I never got to say. Writing that also made me teary eyed. I'm sure it had to be fun for my seatmate on Amtrak but at least he was respectful & didn't pry into my private affairs.

Death makes you see who your real friends are & who they aren't. Some haven't even mustered a "That sucks" & I do know one thing for certain: my future isn't going to be with City Bar's Entertainment Committee. I've seen all kinds of things about their loved one's funerals but no one's bothered posting about my father's. Out of state or not, that's still an immediate family member of mine & I know if it was certain people's parents, they'd get an announcement & information on it. I did my part by alerting the Committee President on it. If I can't even get that, I shouldn't have to announce it myself. This isn't an IndieGoGo campaign or my modeling debut. I feel quite betrayed & insulted here.

Nor should a woman ever have to tell her husband she needs comforting. My husband ticked me off a few times by not getting that & just hanging out with my nephew or brother in law instead of doing the very thing he was supposed to be in NC doing in the first place: comforting me. Is this a guy thing? Do we women actually have to tell our romantic partners "Hey, I'm upset here! I'd like a hug (or grief nookie or whatever.)"

I got back home Friday night amidst pouring rain. It rained in NC much more than I expected during the week so it was a good thing I took my hoodie & waterproof jacket. Made sure to wear them on Friday since they called for rain from NC to where I had to go. My train was delayed by 2 hours but I still beat my husband back to NY state. He flew since he opted to fly later & couldn't cancel the return trip without paying a ton of money for the cancellation fee. I refuse to fly for various reasons, particularly the whole being treated like a criminal thing & the sexism against women with baggage policies (yes, it's totally sexist to women considering we usually have to pack more & are expected by conventional society to care more about our appearance). I figured I didn't need more bullshit when it's already a pain in the ass to get to NC from where I live & vice versa. Unless you drive yourself (which has its own hassles & challenge), it's literally a pain to deal with transit to get to the area. I also expected delays & wasn't sure my husband would be able to fly out, especially since he was flying US Airways (one of the worst airlines in existence).

Only since I've gotten home do I feel that I've gotten any respite from this. We had no rental car or privacy from all of it. No grief nookie or even grief making out, no feeling I was at home or real way to feel comfortable. I feel like a prisoner when I'm in NC, at least when I'm not hanging out with people like those I associate with on my own in NYC. After that sweaty, rain soaked walk home, I hugged my babies (the cats), made the calls I needed to including some to friends & contemplated what I was going to do at 10:40 at night when I woke up at 5:15 that morning. I don't sleep outside of a bed or couch at where I'm supposed to be staying for the night unless I'm really out of it. That takes a lot from me since I'm paranoid about theft while I sleep.

I also learned a few other revealing facts on this trip: my parents did have sex after having my sister & Psycho Boy, the guy I lost my virginity to, now has a boyfriend.

The Psycho Boy thing is interesting for a few reasons. First off, if I were a size queen I'd have just let him move to Marietta & planned a future with him. Let me tell you right now that size is nothing when it's attached to a guy who is mentally unstable & has an unhealthy obsession with you. Not to mention someone who loudly announces the nudity in artwork & raves about how hot your boss is at your work study job (while she's in earshot, by the way).

Second, I'm not sure I had major clues on this one since he just seemed to me to be the type who really wasn't ready for sex at the time while I was. Everyone around me had done it & I didn't want my first time to be with a rapist. I wanted to choose my experience & start living as an adult having those college experiences. Perhaps I was trying to break from the puritanical chains I got stuck in from childhood & embrace my new life. He made some peculiar requests later on but to me, it seemed to come from the lens of "This is new for me & I'm going to jump right in."

Third, he was the kind of guy to sway more into homophobia than tolerance. He didn't seem to be particularly sympathetic to gay issues; in fact, he wasn't the type to even know enough about politics or social issues to have an opinion much less debate me on them. In short, there was not that intellectual satisfaction that I thought I didn't need but in fact a person does need. My mother intimated this with her remark about our relationship not being sustainable since he didn't even have a GED & I was going into my second year of college.

After hearing this, I'm wondering what his father said or did. Psycho Boy told me about his father finding a sex toy of ours & assuming his son was gay instead of going to where most of us might logically go first: he's using it on this girlfriend he's been spending all this time with recently. Needless to say, his father was angry & perhaps a tad paranoid about the possibility of his son deviating from the Christian holy roller tradition of marrying a girl, having babies with her & all that noise. Psycho Boy told me about how pissed his parents were at his older brother for getting a girl pregnant outside of marriage.

I think I get a pass on not marrying this guy or staying in a long term relationship like my family would have wanted, don't you? My mother & sister were always sympathetic to him; even my sister made cracks about how I messed him up by being the first girl he slept with & broke his heart. I think I'd have been really pissed about being in a sham marriage & would demand a divorce.

These days, you can go to my home state or a few others in this country & marry your homosexual lover if you want to. You can get insurance & all sorts of stuff you couldn't in the past; all you have to do is go to one of those states and not live in the crappy redneck parts of this country where people love to impose their way of life onto everyone else instead of actually LIVING a life of their own. From what I hear, this would have been a relationship entered into under false pretenses. You have to at least inform someone if you want them to be in a sham marriage & give them permission to have an open relationship so they can get their sexual needs met elsewhere. I wouldn't do a sexless marriage, as should be obvious.

It was something of a shock but also a relief for me. Psycho Boy finding happiness with the other team means he's no longer obsessed with me or someone I have to worry about becoming obsessed with me again (at least if he's full on gay & not just bi). This was a guy who'd hated natural redheads before dating me & hasn't been the first to react in some strong way towards me that made me feel claustrophobic or trapped. It means I could see him at some event & not have to worry that he's going to do something to make me uncomfortable or prompt my husband's attention.

Maybe I also helped him get to that point or made him presentable to gay men; I would consider it a point of pride to have inspired someone to have the courage to be themselves without worrying about what anyone else thought. Apparently I was the one who motivated him to get his driver's license and work on getting that GED. The girl after me was apparently abusive but you never know: the being yourself without worrying about what other people think sounds a lot like me. I can say for sure there aren't many people like that in my hometown; more of them worry about what other people think instead of doing what they want to do. That's probably one reason I had to get the hell out of there.

It's interesting to note that according to studies, gay men are bigger. I thought maybe this was anecdotal but my husband looked it up & it wasn't. This whole thing with Psycho Boy would definitely support this since he was the biggest I had.

The smallest guy, however, wasn't a super massive horndog who jumped on anything with a pulse. I call him Corona Boy & he was definitely not the sort of guy with women falling all over him. That is something I couldn't speculate on since I was never the type to be interested in those guys (sharing wasn't my thing & probably isn't for most natural redheads) or really get anyplace with them (referring to the high school crush there). Maybe other women can tell us if the guys who jump on anything are the smallest & worst in bed.

It would be true justice if that were the case, don't you think? No woman would have to worry about not sleeping with that guy in high school or college since she'd have been disappointed there too. I couldn't say about women since I've not met any truly non-selective women that men would want to compete with each other to sleep with.

This has to explain things about me but I'm not sure exactly what. In the meantime, I'm seeing friends who care, taking it easy & waiting for the day I'll not worry about crying at random. I'm not sure you ever get over it & I'm still pissed by the unfairness of it all. Religion doesn't provide me comfort on it. The only comfort I have is that I'm going to make money from what I do or die trying. I won't have anyone belittle or undermine my career or use lack of money to claim it's not valid. I owe it to my deceased family to keep living to the fullest and taking every viable opportunity I can. Those not with that program will just have to get out of my way.

I've also got a treasure trove of inspiration for writing.

So More Death Comes to My Immediate Family

Over the years, I've had a lot of relatives die. Some were people I'd never met, some died when I was too little to remember or only have a few memories & one was someone I actually knew well. Now comes another death, the one I didn't expect in the manner it happened: my father. I still can't bring myself to call him "Dad" but I can call him "George" as my mother referred to him (no part of his name is "George" by the way; my mom's just eccentric--part of the mystery is solved, I know).

I've lost aunts, uncles, my grandmother & the most recent big one was my brother in law weeks before I was accepted to law school. That one was particularly bad since he & my sister had only been married a few months, she'd just had their first child (who was 3 weeks old & had bonded to his father in the womb) and he would have been eligible for health insurance in a few months.

My parents just got out of bankruptcy & my mom was happy he was getting a full paycheck. He'd just recovered from a knee injury & to talk to him, you'd never think of him as "old" or "boring." He hated the slow drivers on the road just like everyone else. He wasn't even 60 years old & this happened. The doctor said apparently this kind of thing happens often; people just drop for mysterious reasons, slip into comas & don't recover. If it happened to my father, I wonder, what's to stop it from happening to anyone else? Me, you, the guy down the block? We're not promised tomorrow. He's now been declared brain dead & they're only leaving him on life support until I can get there to say goodbye.

I already learned about the fleeting nature of life after my brother in law (my sister's first husband) died. I just wonder why the fuck God is pissing on my family. It's been that way forever for them; what the fuck?!?!?! Since when is my mother Job? She and my sister are totally devastated over this. I've been emotional over it but not sure if it's just the tragedy of the whole thing or actually caring. I definitely know it's not making life easy on my mom. Father's Day & major holidays are going to be a total bitch, even for me not living there. At least we had last Thanksgiving, I keep telling myself.

This "praying" stuff also bothers me. God is the one who decides it's your time, right? It's infallible & set in stone. So what good does praying do? You can hope, you can try to be optimistic but there's the element of realism to consider. If your number is up, isn't prayer just a waste of time or is it like getting clemency from the governor or something? Guess I'm also getting crotchety about it like the hard core atheists. I've known people are just saying it to be nice but I'd rather you just say you're thinking of me or sending good vibes my way.

A few things about my grief process:

1. I don't eat much. I wouldn't be shocked if I lost a bunch of weight if my mom or sister died. Really, I wondered why people kept giving us food when my brother in law died since I had no appetite? I figured drugs would be better: something to make you want to eat or not feel depressed would be the ticket. Note I didn't say illegal drugs since there are legal drugs that can do this stuff.
2. I won't want to cry but when it hits me, it hits in a huge way. Last night, it hit hard when I was telling people I was now going down there to say goodbye. It also hit hard when I saw my cat Oswald (we thought he was a girl but when the vet said he was a neutered male, Ortensia became Oswald). George will never get to meet him. When my brother in law died, it hit me when I was in my supervisor's office & realized that my oldest nephew would never know his dad. At least he's got my sister's second husband now & he's been a good Daddy to him.
3. I can't be surrounded by it 24/7. I need respite from time to time, hanging out & interacting with people who have nothing to do with it i.e. not related to the person who died & suffering the same sense of grief or worse than me.
4. I need human contact. Ideally, someone to hold me who won't let me go before I say so. Now that I have him, my husband is ideal for this but a guy friend who won't try taking advantage will do in a pinch. I'm upset my husband can't be with me until the funeral. That will be tough. Yes, I did get laid the night my brother in law died (with an ex I happened to run into that evening; it lead to a brief reconciliation) & that's one reason I need my husband with me now. I don't dislike sex anyway but in grief, I crave that human contact & that connection. You need something to counteract the pall that comes over you. It's in your stomach, your throat, your face, your movements; it's like you're wearing a heavy cloak you have no clue how to remove.
5. Don't pray for me. Say you're thinking of me or sending me good wishes but don't try to convert me or tell me about how great Jesus or God are. Spare me the sermons. You aren't going to convince me to go back to the puritanical Baptist faith I ran from.

Yeah, I'm damn upset right now. I'm not in a good mood & crossing me is bad enough on a normal day. This is rage times a trillion. I'm also not very happy with people who've been told about it who've said not a word to me. No "I'm sorry" or "Hope you feel better" or even "That sucks." I think I'll be cleaning some house when I get back to town. You don't get to be a "friend" in my life when you can't even acknowledge that my situation sucks.

I've reached out to people more on things, remembering what my mom says about how if you want friends you have to show yourself friendly. Well, I figure you can't call someone a friend if you never give them the opportunity to actually BE a friend to you. Me talking about this is most definitely the opportunity to show me what you're made of in that sense. Are you a friend or are you worse than a stranger on the street? Most strangers have at least enough compassion to feel bad for you if an immediate family member is dying or dead. The hospital is also apparently damn anxious to pull the plug before I get there. I told my mom to ask them why they needed to do it this second when I wasn't going to be there at 3 a.m. If they want to get on my bad side, I said they can go right ahead & see where that gets them. I think I deserve my goodbye time considering I never got that with my brother in law.

Not sure which is worse: instant death or this waiting around stuff. I think waiting around seems worse since it's false hope & all this build up only to get disappointment in the end. At least I know the things to ask my husband about & tell others of in case he goes first. I also worry this will kill my mom from depression. Studies show that dead people's spouses usually die not long after the dead person died. We're just too young for this.

I warned my husband my family lives to their 60s & my father didn't even get to 60. No one will live long enough to be a burden but still. It just sucks all around.

I know I'll be shitty company for a while but frankly, I don't give a damn about that. Talk to me when it happens to you if you've got a problem with it.

Is There Going to Be ANOTHER Day of Reckoning For Me?

I just got shocking news this evening: after recently recovering from a knee injury from wrecking my old car, my father was rushed to the hospital this evening. At last report, he suffered a heart attack, is currently in ICU & hasn't regained consciousness. He also has fixed pupils, which isn't a good sign.

For those who haven't already read about this, I have a very complex relationship with my father. I'll spare you some of those details but I didn't have a Ward & June Cleaver upbringing. The only way my life would be similar would be if Ward had been an alcoholic who eventually cared more about drinking than his family & June had to step up and be both mother and father. My mother's definitely no stupid woman & she's a far better human being than many of us. My sister is definitely a better human being than many of us; maybe that's where she got it from.

Distance has improved that relationship in some ways. I don't have to be part of that drama or deal with him getting drunk & showing his ass. My mother would say he's mellowed in his old age & they've been through a bunch of shit but if it were me, I'd have left so many years ago. Remember, I'm the one who told my mother she should get a divorce when I was 7 years old.

I don't think I'd have married him in the first place but I probably say that having seen what it's like to live with an alcoholic parent. I know you can't change someone & it was my mother who told me that whatever a guy does before you marry him, he'll do after you marry him.

When I went to CT in 2003, I discovered that there was a huge amount of unresolved shit in that relationship. Particularly with his drinking with that neighbor kid when I was in 8th grade (an older kid we looked up to who was under 21) & me writing a long, multi-paged letter about how I felt. I think I even outright wished him dead in it.

I've gone from blind hatred & fantasies about killing him with the car to a state of numb indifference. I knew when we had this huge fight driving home even when the roads weren't great & he said "If you were a man, I'd punch you" that we weren't going to ever have a functional, normal father-daughter relationship as long as he sat in denial on this. Never said "I was wrong to do that & put you kids through the strife I put you through." My parents have never acknowledged putting us second, much less apologized for it.

That's why I'm so hard-core when it comes to not bringing kids in bad situations or putting them second in life. No kid needs to be put in the position of having to be the strong & responsible one, not having a parent to guide or protect them from the realities of life. Granted, it could have been far worse. I was never physically or sexually abused but the emotional abuse I got was bad. I did get called a bitch & because my mother wouldn't let us curse, we couldn't use profanity on my father.

I feel like it's even worse when someone's making your life Hell & doesn't have a substance abuse problem to partially excuse it. Drinking was a deal-breaker for me when I looked at who I'd marry. You couldn't be my husband & a social drinker; I outright told guys (including my husband) about my childhood & that I couldn't live that again so it would never last if I had to worry about alcoholism becoming a cast member. Maybe I should have added mental issues to that as well; it's something else I'm not good at handling & probably explains why many of my family members are as they are. My father was a great parent when he was sober; when he wasn't, it sucked.

I haven't really dwelled on this since I've been trying to live my own life & you can't resolve conflicts with someone who refuses to admit to doing anything wrong. Mainstream society would side with me on this & I shouldn't have to back down and say "Oh, it was perfectly okay to get drunk and not take us to things, embarrass us in front of our friends, let your drinking buddy kidnap us, make us have to keep secrets from our classmates & stunt our social development, drink with the underage neighbor kid we looked up to, etc."

I'm not sure how I feel about all this. I did tell my mother to pull the attorney card if she had to since I don't think anyone should be getting substandard care or general substandard treatment. My husband kept pushing me to have an emotion. I just have a million concerns in my head.

For one, I wonder if he's going to live or end up brain dead i.e. not being the same person. I know my family can't afford an institution & it would kill them to do that. I also don't really want that kind of financial drain on my mother since she's gone through enough in this life. She doesn't need more. He apparently never said anything about staying on life support or not.

Second, I wonder if and/or when I'll have to go to NC. That prospect bothers me, especially when things have been going well for me. Even my husband has had things look up for him. I would have no place to stay unless I was in a hotel since people either have no space, aren't in town or their homes would be unsafe for me. My husband said he'd go with me to any funeral that happens but I saw how he acted last time when shit hit the fan so I'm concerned he'd just cave again and let Nick the Ineffectual continue to think he's his better.

I, on the other hand, will be very nasty if he gets problems & have no issue telling Nick the Ineffectual to his face that I wish for him to watch his son die a slow, painful death. Be a monster to me & I'll be monstrous right back. Even up the ante if I feel I need to for my mental health.

My husband didn't get that you can't tell someone who's gone through the things I have that they must go backwards after making so much forward progress. Call me selfish, naive, whatever but going backwards would be my functional death. If you give me no pro-social outlet, I'll have to go the antisocial route. I've told people this before & I felt like my husband ignoring it meant he didn't truly believe me or get what it is to me. No therapy is going to change my view & I'm not going to take meds; I don't feel I need them since I do function fairly well & am far happier today than I was living in NC or the South (who wouldn't be happier living their dreams?). I bet meds would also steal my creative energy & who wants "normal" me? I wouldn't & doubt any true friend would either. My husband goes without saying; he's definitely anti-meds on general principle.

Third, I'm not sure how this whole thing is going to resolve with me mentally. I'm not earth shatteringly devastated & do feel worse for my mom and sister. I can't live up to some little "happy, functional family" tableau. My reactions are different. My tears (if anyone ever sees them since I don't cry in public very much; I'm not even good at letting myself sit & have a good cry) are for different reasons. The unresolved stuff is definitely part of it. The fact that I never got that acknowledgment is another part. Can't we have something in between total sadness & indifference? That's where I'm at right now. I also at least understand the "why" of my father's alcoholism, which didn't come until later in college.

So much is going through my mind right now. I'm not sure I'll get to sleep tonight even though I'm coming down with a cold. Maybe I should do dishes or put meat away. It's a radical notion at 3:30 in the morning but hey, I have to do that stuff sometime.

The World of Modeling & Officially Being One of "The Beautiful People"

I had my modeling debut on Wednesday. As in, I got to be in a fashion show for a legitimate designer who has a track record & contacts. The models I worked with included people who do it professionally. This was an opportunity I never really expected to get, even though every girly girl would kill to do it. After all, there are modeling scams all over the place. Plus, I'm in a grey area on height.

However, I'm so darn thin that I look taller than I am. That's nothing new considering one mother whose kid I watched one summer thought I was 5'8 when I'm actually shorter than that.

My opportunity actually arose when I went to an event for my film company & met a designer who invited me to participate. An awesome person, by the way. I would totally work with her again.

Things you should know about modeling:

1. It is NOT as easy as it looks. Really, it's not. This is one point where mass media and the general public have it totally wrong.

2. The things that form the attorney mindset are murder in modeling. You can't be paranoid, obsessed with a routine or overly eager to please. You've got to have some self-confidence, be prepared for the unexpected and let go of things.

3. Modeling may be the only space where you aren't being encouraged to cover up or repress yourself. I actually loved going to my debut since it was the one forum I've been in where I wasn't being made to feel shame for looking as I do or where I'd have to worry if something was too revealing or too sexy.

4. Being in a sorority is very good prep for being in a fashion show. You have to do a lot of posing for pictures, though you do get to be alone much more often than with sorority picture taking. I remember doing TONS of pictures for our sorority events & girls outright saying they felt like they should be models with us having to pose so darn much for picture taking from different people.

5. If you were the ugly guy/girl back in the day & get a modeling opportunity, the arrogant friends are useful resources here. If they overcame their ugly guy/girl past, even better.

Models and the world of fashion modeling has a very nasty rep in society. When I was a teenager, the only thing I really heard about was how the models in magazines were unrealistic to what girls actually looked like and that if you were a small size, you were "unnatural." Hell, pretty girls have gotten a bum rap as well! Look at shows like Daria or My-So Called Life. You have the Fashion Club, Quinn Morgendorfer (whom I'd look more like if I were an animated character) and a whole episode of My So-Called Life where the model of this one magazine is attacked just b/c she looks better than others. Even today, you have certain feminist types and fat appreciation folks who aren't content with just empowering themselves in the face of society's standard of beauty. Instead, they have to engage in skinny & pretty hate.

Are there vapid airheads in that world? Sure. Are there models with eating disorders or managers and others telling models to lose more weight? Probably. I didn't experience that myself & haven't heard about it from anyone I know in that field but I'm sure it happens.

If someone told me to lose weight, I'd laugh my ass off considering I actually lost some weight recently (likely from working out) & me weighing less isn't really a good thing. It would mean going down in cup sizes, which I wouldn't want. A friend in high school once asked me if I was anorexic & I was a clothing size bigger then, so that should tell you something about how little I need to lose weight. Vanity sizing may have affected that some but I did have to get rid of things I had from that time b/c they were now too big on me.

The outfit I ended up in was actually much more revealing that anything I'd ever worn in public and was going to be more revealing but ended up being not so much. You could see my underwear in it as well most of my body, though I was clothed (no nude modeling for me, thanks). I'm hoping I can get a full pic of that at some point since I looked gorgeous & how many attorneys do you know who've also modeled while they were attorneys?

I also wasn't the least bit self-conscious about going out in it. I got out there & it was very liberating. Wearing something as part of a fashion show (or even a stage performance) is not the same as wearing it out on the street. Performance is different & if you have a creative background, you get this. Even my conservative mother got this.

Unfortunately, my night was tarred some with a fight I had with my husband. He was mad I took off my wedding ring to do the show. My understanding was I had to take it off since the designer said to take off any jewelry not part of the costume since it would mess up the pictures. He got upset and left. The designer said I didn't have to take off my ring & wanted to meet him but by then, he was gone. I learned later that apparently the owner of the venue where the show was treated him badly. Still, it did cause a fight since I felt like my husband didn't want me to model at all even though I got this opportunity & it would be stupid to turn it away. It's one thing if I tried & failed but I tried & succeeded; the future is wide open.

We settled this, at least, so now things are good. He did also say that if I had to take off my ring for an acting role, he'd understand. As bears repeating for those not in the creative field, performance is different from your real life. You're putting on a show, creating a performance. It's not the same as taking it off to go pick up guys in a bar (or girls or transvestites, whatever your preference is) so you can have an affair.

Frankly, I'm sick & fucking tired of the skinny hate and the pretty hate. As far as I'm concerned, those people can go someplace unpleasant if they want to try going there with me. I'm of the belief that people who are pretty, get modeling opportunities or do/have something desirable in society should not have to apologize for being who they are or having it. I decided after doing this that I'm not going to apologize for being pretty or having a body women envy. Why are those realities my fault? Who is anyone to go & make that my fault? Why should I or anyone else be punished for it? If you've got that stuff, you should be happy & embrace it.

That's not to say you have to be a jerk or an asshole to others but if you make assumptions about my competence or diminish my rights as a human being over it (I'm more of a reactive personality instead of someone who actively starts shit with others), then I most certainly get the right to call you a fat ass or whatever derogatory term will be fitting for you as a detractor. It's not MY problem or anyone else's that you're insecure, envious or have low self-esteem. Maybe if you worked on yourself, you'd not be going around hating model types.

I feel like somehow we've gotten to a point where being the pretty, skinny girl is the same as being a villain. You might as well be torturing puppies in your spare time. Consider another media example: the TV movie Death of a Cheerleader. Tori Spelling played the pretty, popular character who was a total bitch to Kellie Martin's character, the girl who wanted to be pretty & popular but was on the fringes of the in-crowd. I felt Tori Spelling's character was completely unsympathetic; if you watched it, you'd be rooting for her death since she had no redeeming qualities. The case it was based on was much different & the popular girl apparently wasn't a total bitch.

I actually listened to my "arrogant" friend (well, it's what my husband says but if I didn't think he had redeeming qualities he wouldn't be my friend) & realized he had a point. Plus, I remembered he hung around model types so if anyone would have insight on how I could properly prepare for this I figured he would.

Maybe it's naive but I do think it's possible to 100% embrace being "one of the beautiful people" without becoming an asshole. Let's face it, I already have problems with people assuming bad things about me for plenty of other reasons. I'm also just not a person who has to knock others down to feel good about herself. I don't have to vilify a pretty girl to make myself more beautiful (I'm a redhead so mine is different anyway); maybe that's why we have this whole mainstream attitude over it. The writers of shows and movies were ugly in their day, never got viewed as "pretty" later on & have criminally low self-esteem to this day.

Consider the Abercrombie & Fitch statement from the CEO about how they don't want fat people wearing their clothes & that they market to the "cool kids."

I heard about this and thought it was simply a confirmation of what I already saw in my high school days. All the preppie & popular white kids wore Abercrombie & Fitch clothing.

I personally rebelled against it since I had a true sense of style my classmates didn't, I got 40% off clothes I could wear to work at my retail job at JcPenney so most of my clothing was dressier stuff & I didn't like most of the kids in my grade who were wearing this stuff. I also left shit like wearing labels behind in middle school & Abercrombie & Fitch just wasn't my cup of tea (Rave was more my speed).

The only time I got something from there was a tank top I wore to play a role in a Drama Club play I was in where I was the lead guy's girlfriend. I felt like Abercrombie & Fitch would be her aesthetic and make her more genuine as a functional, "normal" high school student than my personal style would. However, when we took the show to a theater competition outside our city I ended up wearing something more my style at the behest of my fellow cast members & Drama teacher. I have no clue where that tank top is today; it's probably vanished someplace in the annals of time and my mother's garage full of stuff you can't get to or organize.

My other thought was "Thank you! At least someone is respectful to skinny people & not making their size 2s as big as houses." Not a retailer I care for but if you're my size, shopping can suck. I'd like to be able to go someplace in NYC where there's a selection in my size and it doesn't cost a trillion dollars (other than sample sales). No one ever cares about whether I can find clothes to fit me but the skinny haters sure can.

Why should some private company have to cater to fat people when there are plenty of companies that don't cater to me as a skinny person? I can't control my size either. Should the CEO have said it publicly? Probably not & with him looking as he does, he had to have known he'd get that held against him when he made those statements.

See my point on skinny hate? It's one thing to appreciate who you are but you don't get a right to slam me or others who are skinny by nature. People have practically been calling for crucifixion of this CEO, which I can't agree with. In college, I interviewed for a job there but they had this crazy group interview session where you were evaluated based on how much you talked vs. the other applicants. Well, the big mouths are going to win every time. No opportunity to talk to anyone individually about their experience or sales abilities or anything like that. Just not my thing.

So, would I model again? Absolutely. I'd like pay for it but as long as I'm treated with basic respect and my personal boundaries are respected, we're all good. This is another one of those "we'll see where it goes" type things. I figured even if I never did it again, I would at least be able to say I did it once.

Getting Tattoos & Getting Philosophical

Read this article recently, where an employer apparently encouraged people to get tattoos. Not just any old tattoos, though. They rewarded company branding.

I've written a little about tattoos but not sure I ever really stated when it was a good or bad idea to get one or what types are okay vs. not okay. Here goes:

NEVER get a tattoo of the company you work for if you're not an owner. If you're not the owner, you could very well get fired or quit later on in disgust. The job situation could easily change and you could go from viewing it as a little slice of Heaven to tolerable or in my husband's case, a very nasty form of Hell.

Now you could also lose your business but at least if you're an owner, it probably had more of an impact in your life and might be a reminder to you of something you did well or a mistake you don't want to repeat.

I also never got a tattoo of my sorority letters or the name. If you really want to after you've gotten through the pledge period, I could understand doing that. However, that doesn't mean you can't still get kicked out at some point. Remember, it did happen to that bitch whose father draws Spider-Man.

I have no clue how it works once you've graduated college and are out living in life but I'm sure if someone became the next Casey Anthony or Ted Bundy, a national fraternity or sorority would want to take membership away from that person lest (s)he "damaged the brand" for future potential new members or the members who still had to represent the group in a college setting. No one I know has become notorious so not sure how that works but it's worth asking yourself that question before you consider getting your letters tattooed on yourself.

I guess I've also got an issue with getting something so permanent like a tattoo for something I don't have an ownership stake in. These days, I'm just not motivated to work as hard for anyone besides myself. My closest friends or people I respect would probably be next & then there's everyone else. Considering what I've seen & heard about in the corporate world these days and being who I am, is it any wonder I feel that way? Wouldn't YOU be on the defensive constantly if everyone made you feel like you didn't deserve a fair shot b/c they were jealous of your accomplishments or skills? I responded to one job ad I saw recently & read it to my husband, who said I sounded "angry" in there.

I've gotten that reaction from others when I responded to ads. Gee if you were an out of the box person & had been subjected to the endless parade of bullshit I have, might that make you not have an emotional investment in anyone?

Might that make you conclude that you are going to have to figure out your own hustle since no one who could pay you is actually going to respect or trust you?

So, if you're going to get a tattoo get something that has personal meaning for you. Fuck what anyone else has to say about it!

I also don't like the idea of branding myself with a company or an organization; my own mother says that one job she has only offers advancement if you're willing to get the organization's name tattooed on yourself (figuratively, at least). She says she's not that dedicated to it!

The whole tattoo thing makes me question if more companies are going to demand that next for just getting a job there. If some posters are asking for pictures via LinkedIn profiles and to see all your social media passwords while making you take these fake behavioral assessments, is tattooing the organization's name on your body (or perhaps even on your butt) really that far behind? Plenty of employers already demand employees not to have a private life or a point of view.

I've gotten to that distrustful point when it comes to paying day jobs. You also get a very different perspective of the world when you lose close family members belonging to your generation at a very young age.

That different perspective brings me to some philosophical points.

One thing I've realized recently is that I'm losing my past & maybe it's not such a bad thing. I'm not "the ugly girl" and haven't been considered uncool in ages. I also have people in my life who don't seem like they're going to be jealous of me as I move up in the world. They have their own success & don't seem to begrudge me of having any. I also feel like I can respect those people I have allowed in (which isn't a large number since I've always been a private person; I also freely admit to not being the easiest person to have a friendship with). Sometimes, you also realize that particular people are in your life for a reason.

I feel like I'm going to lose more pieces of my past as time goes on. I found out news about my former friend who showed her ass at my sister's wedding that made me feel perfectly fine with having cut ties. History does not trump survival & being better in your life. You can't keep people around who bring you down, begrudge you of good things or want you to be ashamed of who you are.

At first, I felt kind of bad about it. I'm not in my childhood town or anyplace where I went to school. NYC is where my adult life is; you could probably say my college years is where my life began since that's when I got to choose where I went, my friends, my clothes, who I dated & be my full self. As pieces of my past fall away, it makes life today more cemented & permanent. It also makes regression impossible & me more steadfast about not moving backwards. It's much harder to go backwards if you don't live in your childhood town and your oldest friend from childhood is a distant memory. My former friend might as well be dead with the personality change she's had.

A big concern with doing things is still being the same person I always was; I think I still am. I'm still as much a rabble rouser as I ever was. I'm still unconventional & opening my big mouth when I feel the motivation. No one hearing about stuff I'm doing has ever been shocked by it since I always was a driven, ambitious person who was going to do something significant & unusual. My challenge is going to be figuring out how I can embrace who I am today (particularly with being an industry branded "hottie") without forgetting what it was like to be who I was in the past.

That's something I wonder: How do you let the past fall away enough so you can move on & embrace the success you get in today's time but not lose the values/experiences that make you not be the worst of the "successful" class you now belong to? And is it a bad thing if you let go of some of that past trauma if doing so will make you more successful?

Personally, I don't think this letting go of the past is a bad thing. Some people didn't have great pasts & psychologically, it's probably far better to let it fall away than act like you're still something you aren't.

To end this on a less tragic note, another observation: if you don't have a celibate marriage, don't get a wooden bed frame for your marital bed. I discovered that we may find ourselves with a damaged bed frame in the near future & I have a feeling it's the result of our combined sex drive.

It occurred to me that you don't see beds in college dorms with wooden bed frames. My beds in my dorm rooms didn't have that. Nope, they had metal frames. I figure it's because the people putting in the beds figured sex happens often on college campuses so they may as well be prepared. Otherwise, they'd have to buy new bed frames all the time since students & their sex partners would break them from so much use.

Let's be honest: that's one reason people go to college in the first place, especially if they go to school far away from their parent's house. It's the first time in life you can have sex without worrying about your parents catching you or anything you buy to prepare for it. You can get what you need without them having to go with you or find out (since the college can't talk about such things with your parents due to HIPPA laws; nor can your doctor even if the doctor's their best friend). If you move away from home for this, your parents have to let go and learn to trust you to be an adult; they simply have no choice if your school is lots of hours away & they don't have unlimited money to drop in unannounced. My mother assumed I did all sorts of stuff in college but my life wasn't nearly as exciting as she thought it was. Regardless, I do think getting to have sex without all this parental control & having to hide things from them is probably one motivating factor in going to school far away from one's childhood home.

Maybe if you've got a sex drive, you should get a bed frame with reinforced steel. I don't know.

Shaving in America: Do You Really Need to Shave "Down There?"

Reading Tuesday's Dear Prudence letter about the woman whose husband refused to have sexual relations with her until she was bare "down there" made me realize that's something I've not talked about here. I do have very strong views on the subject, so here we go.

If you're not completely dense, you get that I'm a natural redhead. Aside from having tempers and being really good in bed (supposedly; I haven't taken a poll of all the natural redheads & the people they've slept with), natural redheads generally have fair complexions & sensitive skin. My husband even said at one point "Your skin hates you," a concept I turned into some sweet commercial copy for myself in a commercial acting class.

Growing up, I hated that I could not get a tan to save my life. The only choice I have for skin color is pale white and lobster red accompanied with pain. Then we have the freckles, some of which also pop up in the sun. The only ways I can get tan are 1) get a second degree sunburn and let it heal (which happened once but was super, massively painful; I went swimming without sunscreen & decided to lie out in the sun on a float) or 2) get a spray tan. Even tanning at home would lead to me having orange skin since I'm not a pro & most likely would screw up the application of the self-tanning lotion.

I don't think I hated my former friend more as a child than when I got that second degree sunburn on the tops of my arms & my boobs while she had a tan on her back with "I, a heart, and the name 'Josh'" spelled out, having achieved that with spelling it in sunscreen and lying down for a while. Yeah, I hate all you bitches who can do that!!! I'd end up with a sunburned back if I tried it.

So, we've established that my skin is sensitive. In my age, it's gotten worse and will likely get even worse as I age further.

This means shaving & hair removal is not fun for me. Thankfully, I can use Nair or Veet (I'm liking Veet better since they have a sensitive skin formula) on my legs since shaving gets way too labor intensive for me. As a perfectionist, if I don't get every last bit of hair off I feel like I wasted my time doing it in the first place. Chemical hair removal is the perfect option if you are also like this & hate missing stuff when you shave. It's the only thing I'll use for my legs. Shaving my underarms is manageable since it's a smaller surface space & I can reasonably get all the hair off.

My attitude on shaving is I do it when I'm good and ready. I don't do it on a daily basis or even a weekly basis; I do it when I feel uncomfortable with the hair length. If I feel like it's too long or just don't want to see it anymore, that's when I handle it. Or if I'm going to a dressy event & feel my armpit hair is starting to look like Paula Cole's from the "I Don't Want to Wait" video. Check it out if you haven't. My sister called her "Armpit Girl" after we saw it. Personally, I don't want my underarms looking like that. I also deal with my legs if I'm going to be wearing a skirt or shorts someplace & my leg hair is starting to look like my husband's in volume.

Down there, though: how many guys actually care about that? I've had my whole attitude & practices on shaving forever, even when I was single. Guys I dated by & large didn't care. Now, maybe you'd argue that I enjoyed some pretty girl privilege here or the fact that I was willing to have sex made it irrelevant for the male population by & large. I have no idea; none of my sorority sisters ever mentioned that being an issue for them.

I personally feel like shaving is one of those things women do for other women. They don't want other women making fun of them or getting catty about it. I've never felt the need to compete with and be catty toward other women; of course, I always made sure when I was checking out guys at the club I was in a spot away from other women. One way you can tell I'm straight? When other women would be too close to me or my vantage point if I was out someplace as a single person, my first thought was "Move it bitch, you're blocking my light!"

Exactly one guy I ever dated brought up the subject with me of doing something about "down there." He's also the same guy who bugged me about paying on dates & was described by a friend of mine as having "the social skills of a rock." I call him Condo Man.

Condo Man lived in a condo (duh) & had lots of pictures of women in bikinis. I had a strong feeling I was the second girl he slept with & he was 8 years older than me. One day, he decides to ask me about shaving or waxing down there.

I told him the truth: there's two ways that area's going to look. You have the choice of hair or little red bumps. It made wearing an average swimsuit hell for me when I started getting hair since I had the choice of hair poking out or getting irritation to remove the hair.

I tried to Nair it once; that caused little red bumps. Home waxing caused me to bleed & suffer serious pain; I'm a pain wuss & probably didn't have the wax hot enough. Direct shaving didn't work either since I still had the freaking hair there & it hurt like hell afterwards.

Dick move to tell a naturally redhaired woman you won't have sex with her if she isn't going Brazilian. I accused him of wanting me to look like a 10 year old girl. Natural redheads (at least this one) & waxing do not mix: look at the after pics of my eyebrow wax in The Wedding Saga series if you think a professional wax wouldn't result in bad fu for me.

A natural redhead tampering with her "down there" area isn't going to look like some tanned Brazilian chick after waxing: she's going to have little red bumps that hurt like hell and won't be in the mood for wearing underwear, much less having sex. Forget about oral.

So, hypothetical guy, my suggestion to you if you're obsessed with having a woman who looks like she moonlights as a porn actress or Playboy model: don't date a natural redhead. If that obsession trumps the awesomeness of the natural redhead, you will just piss her off & God knows what she might do after you suggest she go inflict this pain on herself to make you happy. Plus, it defeats the entire purpose of getting rid of the hair since no one wants to be intimate if they've got those little red bumps from irritation. Why put yourself through that? By the time those little red bumps are gone, the hair's growing back.

Check out the comments on that letter. A bunch of people were defending this guy & I had to wonder if they'd ever dated a woman with sensitive skin. Some of us can't just "shave it off." If some men want to volunteer for that task & make it relatively painless for the woman, then I'll give some leeway.

If you could find me a cheap/low cost method to get rid of hair permanently without ever having to do the area again or having nasty side effects someplace, I'd consider it. I would love to never have to do hair removal again so long as the hair on my head still grew. Electrolysis is NOT cheap & it's time consuming, not guaranteed, simply not a viable option in my opinion.

You know, my whole skin thing is probably a good reason I'd never be considered to be a Playboy model. I have never had an afro or anything crazy but my centerfold pictures would have little red bumps or hair unless they airbrushed those bumps out.

Come to think of it, has anyone seen a nude model or porn actress who was a natural redhead? I haven't & if you do, I'd love to ask her about her hair removal secrets for "down there" since I'm sure she can't go on camera with the little red bumps and I doubt filmmakers love her so much they're going to spend more in editing & post production just so she can have sex on camera. Is this some other fetish section I'm not aware of in porn? It does seem to be a fetish in reality (at least with people I've encountered online & in real life, including my high school boyfriend) so I wouldn't be shocked if that was a separate category. They have clown porn so surely there's a category for this one. Maybe everyone dies in it, though.

If anyone is capable of killing someone from the intensity of sex, it would have to be a natural redhead.

Condo Man summed up the 1 in 100 guys who bothered me about things no one else did. 99 guys in a room never bothered me about things that he did. The funny thing is he bothered me about things other women get bothered about but in my case, those things never came up. If 99 guys won't bother you about something, why would you go out with the 1 who does? That question always came to mind when dating him & having fights on these issues.

Heck, if people think my husband isn't good enough for me they'd have wanted to kill Condo Man among my many jerky exes! I wouldn't be the least bit shocked if Condo Man were still single. He made me look functional & normal by comparison. He even made me look social; it was probably a turning point for me on that front.

People commenting thought this guy was watching a lot of porn or had a woman on the side. Well, if my husband tells me to be hairless after 18 years of marriage I'll tell him what I told Condo Man & how shitty that is to say to a natural redhead. I'll also have to insist on an open marriage; I realized my limit on celibacy is if you put me in a period longer than what I experienced when I was single. I didn't have even a year of celibacy after losing my virginity & I'm still trying to figure out how many months would cross that limit. I think it's within single digits though might not be less than 6 months.

I have to calculate this since then it does make it fair for me & my circumstances. The reason for this? I did a fair amount of dating once I got out of my hometown (after that, I managed to have summer relationships with guys who didn't know me in the past), had no shortage of interested guys & sex is a basic human need. Sorry if that upsets the Puritans but it is & if you knew my family, it's a small miracle that I'm not totally frigid or married to Psycho Boy. Recently found out that ex-friend didn't take God's bitchslap seriously & made the same mistake AGAIN. Sort of confirmed I made the right choice & made me say "Wow, my sister's got a much bigger heart than me since I couldn't call someone who neglects their kids a friend of mine."

Ladies, I say do what you're comfortable with and if some guy dares to tell you to be bald he'd better be willing to do the same for you. I didn't really ask Condo Man about it but he didn't go hairless for me so that tells you something. If he's got sensitive skin, he needs to be thinking twice about demanding a woman do that for him if she's got the same thing.

How the Wheel Turns, Putting Student Loans Into Perspective & Another Reason Not to Anger a Natural Redhead

There's some BIG news on the horizon for me. Started last week after my husband had gone out of town. For one thing, did some networking (as I'm apt to do). I also had a guy try picking me up on the subway (marking the second time this has directly happened).

This happened after leaving a party where this guy in a grad program for Math saved my evening after this bitchy woman who had no clue who the fuck she was talking to dared to make little gestures at me and be a bitch about people sitting in her precious little VIP booth (simple polite words would have been fine; making little scurrying gestures is another story). I did make sure to loudly say it's not a good idea to piss off an attorney after getting up but not sure if anyone heard or not.

Before that, I'd sat down and some guy asks me "Who are you?" Not "Hello," or "How are you?" Taken aback, I was about to say "An entertainment attorney you shouldn't mess with," when the aforementioned bitch walked up. Funny that I also saw 2 people I knew at this event, one of whom has landed himself on my future victims list & may very well have landed a spot on my shit list. We'll see how he conducts himself in a face to face setting with me to assess that one. He also wins the Captain Obvious Award for deeming me "weird." It's what "No, duh! What planet do YOU live on?" I had to ask him what his first clue was after that e-mail considering when he met me in person, it was fucking obvious I'm not some conventional or ordinary person.

Life lesson: don't piss off an entertainment attorney, especially if you work in the entertainment business. We can & WILL fuck you up. That's a promise & we won't even bother violating legal ethics rules to do it.

Back to this little subway pick-up scene: I'm listening to music & riding the subway to my transfer point. The guy sitting next to me asks what time it is. I tell him & then he asks "Are you single?" I said I was happily married. To his credit, he didn't say anything further or, to quote Positive K's song I Got a Man, say "What's your man got to do with me?" That will get you smacked in real life.

That is the proper way to handle a failed pick-up. Civilized people do this instead of harassing the woman, creeping her out or otherwise pestering her. Let's face it, I'm one of the last women anyone ought to be hitting on considering I've got options if I wanted to use them.

That statement is probably only going to be more true in the near future considering I got a great opportunity to do something lots of women would like to do (some might even kill to do it) but probably couldn't. Not disclosing much here but let's just say that after feeling that I get harassed so darn much by guys I ought to be getting paid based on my looks, that feeling will most likely become reality in the short term future. High school me would have loved it & did get an offer once but couldn't take it b/c of that whole being in school during the day thing.

I also learned something interesting on Monday at my City Bar Entertainment committee meeting. Rumor has it that the current City Bar President may have the same gripe I've had for years about the entertainment being offered at NYC Bar. You can imagine the response of the majority of the committee; massive conniption fits all around. Somebody else may want modernism as well. Now, who would YOU say is the biggest modernism proponent in these bar associations? If my name doesn't come up, someone hasn't been around lately. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a more anti-lawyer than me, especially considering my entertainment work & my actually knowing good writing, living the life I've lived (my diverse & unusual experiences) and my general creative personality. Maybe sticking around will pay off again.

As an artist, I've felt stifled except for exactly one time in the year where I can present MY creative voice and do what I want to do. If I didn't have that one event, I would be gone. I spoke up about my recent forum that's become the talk of NYCLA and led to people coming out of the woodwork to thank me for doing it, ask me for mentorship, connect with me on social media, etc. I'm hoping I got some people the average events wouldn't muster a second glance from.

For me, good entertainment is art. Art is not politically correct! It makes you think, provokes something in you, even if it's just making you laugh or feeling empathy for someone or a group. For me the two go hand in hand.

Censorship bothers me on a very deep level & while I was asked to be part of the delegation to meet with this President to see if the rumor is true, I did mention I'm a button pusher and I think any objection City Bar has to something could be solved with a simple disclaimer saying what we do is NOT to be taken as a representation of City Bar's views. Commentaries to movies and TV shows have this. This blog even has a disclaimer lest anyone thinks my personal views are = to those of any company I own or work with.

I'm not the type of person who has patience or tolerance to cater to the most offended people in the room. I say if you're that offended, you should stay home & stick to programs YOU select for yourself. If you're making some big complaint about my art in that context, I'll have to assume you're trying to shut down television shows and so forth because you refuse to parent or get off your large butt/grab the remote & change the channel/turn off the TV set or radio like every other human being on this planet. Nobody's putting a gun to your head & making you watch or listen to anything. Plenty of reality TV shows offend ME but you don't see me trying to shut down Snooki & JWow, The Real Housewives of Wherever, or anything else that offends me. You don't see me picketing TV networks or advertisers over it. I just don't watch them. End of story.

Last I checked, we were also adults here. Why should we be doing acts catering to 5 year olds? I haven't even seen little kids at the shows I've been to unless they were related to the person being honored at the 12th Night show.

There's also question of if City Bar wants to act like the Hayes office or network censors when it comes to our entertainment. I think I'd have to point out the hypocrisy if it rears it's ugly head. Lawyers are supposed to be PROTECTING the Constitution and the 1st Amendment freedom of speech is a basic right everyone is familiar with in there. A bar association, run by attorneys, censoring other attorneys is a major problem for me as an artist, film exec and entertainment attorney. That's a good way to get all of them to flee in droves & you bet I'd tell everyone I knew in entertainment if that happened and how hypocritical it would be for a particular attorney in the field to stick around. I'd have to also share with my creatives so they knew who to avoid for legal services; clearly endorsing the censorship of someone else's art means that lawyer isn't going to protect any other creative like (s)he should.

I'm also wondering if modernism is an issue, will the old guard take new writers and ideas seriously? Will they give people room? I feel like maybe I could get room since I don't think you have to pee on history or tradition to accomplish that goal & I've built some goodwill (in singing & acting at least so I think I can push writing, considering I've been published) but who knows about anyone else.

I know if I didn't get room, I would react very strongly. I even shared this issue with the old City Bar President & he pretty much told me "it's very competitive" and left it at that. I would welcome not having that committee feel like a high school or college drama club where the same people do the same things year after year, nonstop & no one ever will get a chance to do anything until the current people die (which is worse than waiting on the seniors to graduate). I'd feel the same if people I brought in didn't get room since that's the same as being nasty to me.

I've also been looking at more publicity for myself & had to jump on board for something else I'm not going into detail on. However, it was the reason I had to claim this blog officially.

These days, I don't spend much of my time reading the so-called "law school is a scam" blogs but I did see an entry on this story that made me want to rant.

This happened in the US, where having student loan debt means you are an indentured slave.

So, hotshots who claim we need no student loan debt reform, tell me how you like the idea of this guy doing what he did? What about him committing suicide over these student loans?

Personally, I'd have taken some different people with me. For instance, some paid off government officials or high ranking employees of these student loan companies that flagrantly violate debt collection laws. I have no beef with my law school administrators like the scam blog writers do. Perhaps settling personal scores before you go or having sex right before you kill yourself.

Then again, if you had sex first you might be so happy afterwards you talk yourself out of suicide unless you were severely, chronically depressed & wouldn't be able to have sex with that person again for some reason. Granted, it would also be bad to be the man or woman who had sex with that person & now had to worry about continuing to put out and delivering whatever game they delivered in the first place so the suicidal person doesn't kill himself/herself (unless that person was a total monster or knew they had nothing to do with the choices of the suicidal person; hopefully they have some measure of care toward the suicidal person).

Still, I wouldn't want to go without having good sex first. That includes the presence of consent.

Nonetheless I know the people railing against reform would whine & cry about how that's terrible and "suicide's not the answer." They'd be joining in the whole community mourning and all that outpouring of grief. I don't think they'd have the balls to go against that view.

Well, what IS the answer bitch (or bastard)? Your own religion would punish you for speaking ill of the dead or saying they will burn in Hell like you're a judge announcing a verdict. If you're not religious, you're still asking for karma to bite you in the ass.

Get a job? Have you opened your eyes to today's economic reality where college kids are forced to work in retail & fast food making minimum wage or far less than $10 an hour? See that recent article about the McDonalds that required a college degree to be a cashier there? Entry level in the legal field is non-existent. Nor is the state bar obligated to get jobs for new attorneys or law schools obligated to get jobs for new graduates. It's sink or swim, fuckers!

Payment plans? Do you know how private loans operate? Do you know that most law graduates have a good chunk of debt in private loans, meaning the government's got squat to do with them & the providers are, for whatever reason (probably lobbyist money), a legalized Mafia organization whose motto is "Fuck you, pay me!"

Networking? That's a limited solution, not a one size fits all concept. Some people are shitty individuals & no one likes them. Not everyone has the charisma or charm for it, especially many attorneys. You also have to be able to find the right people to network with & if you're not in those circles, you aren't in.

Join the bar associations? Doesn't really work if the bar association doesn't have a committee in your field of interest. It also doesn't work if you aren't willing to jump into a conversation of 4-5 people who already know each other & don't know who the fuck YOU are (assuming you aren't a gorgeous creature busting up a group of people of your preferred gender to sleep with) or get approached by people (that also increases if you're a gorgeous creature). One of my big gripes with bar associations is that new people who aren't social butterflies have no way to effectively meet and integrate with attorneys there. If a sorority did that in recruitment, the school or Nationals would attack them in about 2 seconds.

Let's also not ignore the obvious fact that many attorneys are assholes & I definitely encountered plenty when I was a law student/new attorney regardless of my unusual career path.

Finally, if you aren't some BigLaw worshiper with a T1 school on your name you are considered fucked by many circles of the legal field (circles I don't deem worthy of my time or attention). I personally don't think innovation or subbing those assholes ought to mean people commit suicide over unconscionable & disgusting student loan contracts and repayment terms.

I find most of the anti-reform crowd are either old farts who went to law school before 2000 (and the later exemption of student loan debt from bankruptcy, including private student loans, in 2005) or people with no graduate school degree or training to their name who haven't the faintest clue how going to law school works. These people need to shut the fuck up & propose useful, relevant and practical solutions instead of rattling off the same old tripe a hundred times. We're sick of "when I was YOUR age, I walked 15 miles in the snow to school" logic. Boo hoo! Look how sympathetic I am to you sitting in your little mansion & eating at the most expensive restaurants in the world.

Repetition doesn't make your argument magically more sound. It just makes you look more stupid, clueless, out of touch & at worse, a heartless piece of shit who should just go work for one of these loan companies and have blood sacrifices for them. You love them so damn much, why aren't you sacrificing animals to them? You're already figuratively sacrificing humans to them. Why not make it literal?

Read this article from Secret Agent Man on Backstage & apparently this is another reason not to piss off redheads. Seems our presence at a casino table means good luck.

Now if I ever go to Vegas and guys ask me to blow on their dice before they throw them, I'll know why they're asking. That could also explain anyone following me in the pursuit of high payouts. Hopefully, that knowledge will keep my husband from killing folks.

Do you think a redhead you have pissed off is going to bother helping you in that respect? I don't know if this applies to natural redheads exclusively but I'd say this is more reason not to piss off natural redheads. We could fuck up your ability to win in casinos by alerting the Fates & thereby making sure you lose. I would do that. So would any of my naturally red haired family members. We've got tempers, you know.

The "Resolution" & Living By Your Wits

I must be a psychic. Or maybe I'm just smarter than the people working in the public library system.

As I predicted, Mr. Ineffectual did exactly what I expected. He rewarded my husband with a demotion and transfer to a worse neighborhood. My husband then tells me he has to go back to the shit situation he'd dealt with in the first place. I said if he did, we'd no longer have a happy marriage. I also asked how he'd feel if someone hurt me b/c he was "doing his job." He claimed he had no choice & I disagreed. This became a huge fight, where he decided to leave.

The Ineffectual one made the mistake of calling my home while I was on the phone with my brother in law. I was extremely pissed off & trying to talk to my family to calm down. If you'd heard me, you'd know I was in a mood to kill. The phone rang twice & I figured it would keep up if I didn't answer.

I made sure to inform this mental midget about my being an attorney with contacts (you know, not the average schlub who has to suck up to law firm partners). His response? "Good for you."

In retrospect, I should have "But bad for you." It is, after all. However, my husband adamantly refused to mention it to anyone & claimed doing so wouldn't make a difference. Uh, yeah like he knows anything about what it's like to be an attorney or have that on your name. How many incidents has he heard about or witnessed where someone suddenly treated us or me differently after hearing about me being an attorney? You would think the man would know better.

This is also the same man who said the union couldn't help him on various injustices that he informed me about.

Well, I'm ready to give them some credit for this one since they did help him. I warned him that I didn't view these people as MY "betters" and would not be kissing their asses. Those who know me already know I don't kiss ass for anyone. If anything, I'm one of THEIR "betters!"

The union contacted the library's attorney. I expected the attorney to have a brain & say "Wait a minute. You're not allowed to demote this guy for having safety concerns. Plus, what message are you sending to everyone else? The PR will fuck you up as well."

If we'd informed him about me being an attorney, I think he'd have also considered that I could get quality legal counsel far more easily than these other employees (or peons, as I know they are regarded as) if something happened to my husband after all that. Maybe handing the lawyer a slam dunk legal case isn't such a hot idea, right? Especially one with the network & connections I have.

Not mentioning that information means my husband was given a non-option the next morning when he spoke to Mr. Ineffectual. Maybe the attorney should be called Anti-Social Dumbass.

I researched him & learned that not only is he not licensed in NY state but that he's apparently not a member of any bar associations and may as well have zero LinkedIn contacts. Attorneys always mention bar association memberships on LinkedIn. Seems this lack of networking also goes to the top brass there, though you hear nothing but "Network, network, network!" in the legal field even if you are a super veteran. When the ship finally sinks all the way (and we know it's sinking), this attorney will be fucked not just with lack of networking but with my informing people of this situation. He may even have a grievance hearing before him if the library is doing what we & many others suspect they are.

I even went to a program Thursday night were the panelists told people to join the bar associations and get involved there to get contacts!

Ultimately, my husband chose the placement where he'd not be getting a demotion & assured me there wouldn't be a safety issue. The union rep also said there were fewer incidents in this so-called "dangerous" area than in my own neighborhood (which isn't know as a bastion of crime & refuge for criminals).

See why I'm rooting for gentrification and saying "Go fuck yourself" to my local community? Want me to give a damn? Get rid of that manager & don't be silent. Silence is acceptance.

It is, seriously. Not saying "Hell, no! Not taking this shit," = "I'm okay with it" in my book. Don't whine to me about something if you're not talking to the local representatives & demanding accountability for this shit. If you aren't planning a hit against your oppressors or doing something, ANYTHING, to stop them then you've got nothing to complain about. This goes back to my basic attitude about making your own happiness and luck in this life.

Oh, and if you're doing anything to remotely benefit the Queens Public Library don't expect me to pee on you if you're on fire. These pricks made it very fucking personal & this neighborhood I've lived in for 6 years is nothing I take any pride in, not even remotely.

I don't help saboteurs; saboteurs can go drown in acid or face something far more gruesome for all I care. I wouldn't shed tears for their misfortune either; in fact, I'd probably celebrate it. Remember, I never signed up to "be a bigger person"; when you never signed up for such things you aren't held to those kinds of standards.

Also, causing shit in my household and with my loved ones is the same as doing it to me directly. How many of you go around helping or even saying "Hello" in a non-bitchy way to YOUR saboteurs?

My husband isn't on my good list right now either but that's because he doesn't love himself enough to have stood up for himself, told these pricks about that other placement & dealt with his interests as needed. He was too busy going through life like a scared bunny.

Reading a letter in this week's Dear Prudence & some of the comments was illuminating and definitely hit close to home. It was the one about the college student who is stuck in a job she hates, has no family to bail her out if times get rough & wanted to leave, getting an opportunity to move to NYC.

Well, I'm the one who left a paying job in Atlanta to go to law school in CT. I'm also the one who was going to leave with $600, my car & a few personal belongings a few months prior since I hated being in NC that much and saw no light at the end of the tunnel. Condo Man, who was older than me, had a momentary purpose in my life. I definitely am of the "do it while you can" school & favor living by your wits and having some hope in life over being secure but miserable. That is one of many reasons why "security" isn't an argument that resonates with me.

If all else fails, my life will be a Tarantino film. Not an ideal course of action & probably a waste of what I could have done but there will still be some fulfillment of potential, just in a negative direction. If you're going down, go down swinging.

Why is it that 90% of jobs these days require employees to be dogs? Why not stop advertising that you are seeking staff or employees and just tell the truth? You want robots or dogs, not people. Stop wasting time & shitting on people's dignity!

McDonald's obviously hasn't gotten the message either, as you can read in this story. Is it that hard for these CEOs to figure out or are they just so damn greedy & selfish that they can't see or think straight?

The Day of Reckoning Has Arrived

Seriously, it has. After a relaxing vacation last week, my husband returned to work to have to continue dealing with the same old bullshit...

Until the same old bullshit became threats to personal safety & activated my radar. Here's the story:

Yesterday, at my neighborhood public library, a brawl concerning 8 teenaged boys breaks out right next to the desk where my husband had been covering. Thankfully, he wasn't there & isn't fucking stupid enough to play cop when he's not paid to do that. His manager, on the other hand, decides she's going to intervene. Idiot. She got what she deserved for that one. Who would actually do that & NOT call the cops to let them handle it?

Though for her to REALLY get what she deserves, she should be demoted & forbidden from ever being in a position of authority until she learns not to write checks her behind can't cash.

Apparently, this event was unprecedented and this means my husband can't do his job without threat of violence. Oh, and if I were a woman I wouldn't bother going in there without a handgun or Taser on me since our police precinct is known for being ineffectual & showing up far too late to do anything.

Where were the cops on this one? The liaisons for this particular branch weren't even in the borough at the time. By the time they arrived, the guilty had fled & the victims weren't talking.

My husband isn't going back. That's by my edict & everyone else who's heard about this.

The wheels are in action for him to go elsewhere, which is complicated by the fact that he's on supervisor probation though this particular manager (whose name I'll gladly give you privately) is known for arbitrarily failing folks just to be a bitch. I'm pretty sure she gave head to the right person to still be manager there after pissing off staff members & the community at large.

Apparently, she's not smart enough to have set up this little brawl so she could fail my husband for not being He-Man. Sounds like she'd be a pitiful lawyer. She won't be manager much longer in my community if I get any say on it. I have a real problem with my tax dollars paying that bitch's salary. If you live in my area, so should you.

For now, my husband has some faith in management not fucking around. I don't. After contacting the head of all this (whose nickname includes "the Ineffectual" since he refuses to transfer one librarian who hates it there & is openly hostile to everyone b/c he "doesn't want her to win"; fuck the community or morale or the working environment there--in fact, fuck his manager who has to supervise this unhappy camper & deal with it day to day unlike his ineffectual ass), he apparently still thinks my husband should put his safety at risk.

I don't think this ineffectual prick knows who I am & what I do. If he did, I don't think he'd be handing me a slam dunk legal case if something happened to my husband or an excuse for me to end his life in a manner befitting a Quentin Tarantino film.

My husband has been all adamant about not mentioning who I am but I'm in fight mode. I will rain down a shit storm with hydrochloric acid rainfall mixed in; I have my official ways of doing things as well as unofficial ones.

I suggest that when they decide on where to transfer him (since it will fucking happen or I will meet with them personally on this), they ask themselves "Would I feel safe working here? Would I feel comfortable if my children were in this neighborhood after dark?" If the answers are "no," then that place is not an option. Capice? I will also have to have a conversation with the Queens Library attorney and see if he can motivate some dumbasses with the letter of the law. Perhaps tell them that maybe it's not a great idea to put an attorney's spouse in a danger situation since there will be an instant lawsuit. I'm not exactly just any attorney, either; I've got a public profile & contacts all over the spectrum. My spouse is far more likely to get adequate legal representation than most of the employees (or as they think of them, peons).

I can make life hell for someone who crosses me & I'll certainly do it if needed. When it comes to my loved ones & my friends, I'm downright sociopathic if you mess with them.

I know Thomas Galante, the library director (oh, excuse me President since he's got a God complex & likely wanted to evade the new salary regulations for the heads of non-profit organizations) has zero empathy or respect for the employees. He or his underlings want to try shit with me, they will live to regret it & I will make it my mission in life to take these people down including and especially him. I already spread the word wide & far about how utterly incompetent the management is & other business owners who have heard about their antics agree with me. Only an idiot would side with them.

Let's be honest: the management is laughable at best. My youngest niece & nephew (both under the age of 4) would be better at running the library system than these pathetic toads who are utterly devoid of ambition, basic human respect or any quality that would define one as a human being. This is my view as a business owner.

I wouldn't shed any tears or feel bad if they or one of their family members were raped, tortured, killed, or had any hard times at this moment; I have a strong feeling that my stance on them is not going to change.

None of these pricks had better think for a second they are better than me. In fact, I'd safely say I'm better than them. What education do they have? What contacts do they have? Who regards them? What is their public profile like?

Could they get their equivalent positions in a private business? From what I've seen, the answer is "Hell no."

So, here's where we stand. My husband hated being at this branch & will not be returning. If anyone asks, I'll be asking if they plan to provide an armed guard to escort him to & from work & be with him the entire time he's working, provide him with a loaded gun/Taser along with a bulletproof vest/body armor. If the answer to either is "no," my answer is "Then he won't be going. End of story." I'll also have to get personal since cunty behavior invites my asking you how you'd feel if it was YOUR kid, spouse, etc. If it were my local politician trying to make life easier for rapists or limit access to contraceptives, you'd best believe I'd ask them about scenarios involving THEM or THEIR loved ones.

If he can get in a better branch, at least we've solved that problem of him wanting to quit every single day & dumping that stress on me.

If they do nothing & then fire him, my life will most likely become a Taratino film since everything I worked my ass off to do will have gone up in a puff of smoke. I will have no place to live & there's no way in hell I'm going down without a fight. I won't have reasons to care about things like law & order, especially if my husband is harmed or killed. Nor will any of these mental midgets be allowed to take away my livelihood, my family or my purpose in this world.

I will also be livid that total incompetents like multiple branch managers in the system and various others will be keeping THEIR jobs & sucking up taxpayer money to continue fucking things up.

At this point, I have zero neighborhood pride or loyalty. Would YOU feel pride in a neighborhood where you can't even go to the public library & be content in your safety? I'd be better off going to a nightclub in Manhattan; at least they have bouncers. We didn't move here to live in Thug Town. I hate that area of my neighborhood anyway since it's in a public transit dead zone.

This just gives me more reason to root for gentrification & their families being priced out. I met with someone in charge of a social group in this neighborhood. I'll have to share & mention that this is just emblematic of my general attitude of Queens and this neighborhood.

A comedy producer I worked with once said she slept in New Jersey but lives in NYC. I feel I sleep in my neighborhood but I live in Manhattan. That's where everything I do business wise is, including my bar association memberships.

Why, especially in light of this library thing where Galante refuses to get any effective security in there, would I give a damn about this place? Who wants to hang around a bunch of little pussies who can't even fight effectively & whose parents would probably enable and defend their "menace to society" status to the very end?

Any moron can get a posse to beat up 1 guy. Any moron can get a weapon.

When I was in high school, there was the specter of fights. We were nicknamed "Thug High" by the community & the local newspaper even covered our fights, though normally got the details wrong.

Most of them were during break in plain sight of teachers & a big crowd of students. I refused to fight anyone in that setting since the teachers broke it up in about 5 seconds. You'd be lucky if you got 2 good hits in.

If I'd been challenged to one, I would have said "It's me vs. you. No friends, no weapons, no witnesses. You have to fight me during class time & behind one of the outdoor trailers. No one to bail you out or a little toadie to do your dirty work. Even odds or nothing."

I was like "Fight me like a woman or don't bother!" I hate half-assed measures at anything. I also might not be the strongest person but I'm a lot smarter & I'm far crazier, however that form takes. I could also fuck people up in the social order in ways that someone known as a thug/troublemaker couldn't do.

As I've said before, I'd have been a far more dangerous killer than the average thug/troublemaker since I knew the social rules, had a reputation as a kid beyond reproach & had access to things the average student didn't. That's probably still true but I'd rather take the pro-social route if it's available to me.

If that were closed, I know myself enough to know that I wouldn't have recourse or be able to roll backwards from all the shit I got out of.

What would that teach me or anyone else? You came from nothing so fuck getting good grades, getting an education or doing anything socially productive since you'll just end up a teen mom, a crack whore or homeless & hopeless in the end?

Gee, if I believed that I'd have ended my life long ago & taken as many oppressors as I could with me. I wouldn't have been able to live my happiest life so I'd see no point in wasting my time when it would never get better. This is the logic that makes me wonder why people who hate being attorneys so much & who feel there's no light at the end of the tunnel continue to be on the planet and write blog posts bitching about it.

Do we want mass suicide of young people who don't come from means? Or do we want them to use their brains to become societal nightmares? Make up your mind. This is world that's being created in the US.