Shaving in America: Do You Really Need to Shave "Down There?"

Reading Tuesday's Dear Prudence letter about the woman whose husband refused to have sexual relations with her until she was bare "down there" made me realize that's something I've not talked about here. I do have very strong views on the subject, so here we go.

If you're not completely dense, you get that I'm a natural redhead. Aside from having tempers and being really good in bed (supposedly; I haven't taken a poll of all the natural redheads & the people they've slept with), natural redheads generally have fair complexions & sensitive skin. My husband even said at one point "Your skin hates you," a concept I turned into some sweet commercial copy for myself in a commercial acting class.

Growing up, I hated that I could not get a tan to save my life. The only choice I have for skin color is pale white and lobster red accompanied with pain. Then we have the freckles, some of which also pop up in the sun. The only ways I can get tan are 1) get a second degree sunburn and let it heal (which happened once but was super, massively painful; I went swimming without sunscreen & decided to lie out in the sun on a float) or 2) get a spray tan. Even tanning at home would lead to me having orange skin since I'm not a pro & most likely would screw up the application of the self-tanning lotion.

I don't think I hated my former friend more as a child than when I got that second degree sunburn on the tops of my arms & my boobs while she had a tan on her back with "I, a heart, and the name 'Josh'" spelled out, having achieved that with spelling it in sunscreen and lying down for a while. Yeah, I hate all you bitches who can do that!!! I'd end up with a sunburned back if I tried it.

So, we've established that my skin is sensitive. In my age, it's gotten worse and will likely get even worse as I age further.

This means shaving & hair removal is not fun for me. Thankfully, I can use Nair or Veet (I'm liking Veet better since they have a sensitive skin formula) on my legs since shaving gets way too labor intensive for me. As a perfectionist, if I don't get every last bit of hair off I feel like I wasted my time doing it in the first place. Chemical hair removal is the perfect option if you are also like this & hate missing stuff when you shave. It's the only thing I'll use for my legs. Shaving my underarms is manageable since it's a smaller surface space & I can reasonably get all the hair off.

My attitude on shaving is I do it when I'm good and ready. I don't do it on a daily basis or even a weekly basis; I do it when I feel uncomfortable with the hair length. If I feel like it's too long or just don't want to see it anymore, that's when I handle it. Or if I'm going to a dressy event & feel my armpit hair is starting to look like Paula Cole's from the "I Don't Want to Wait" video. Check it out if you haven't. My sister called her "Armpit Girl" after we saw it. Personally, I don't want my underarms looking like that. I also deal with my legs if I'm going to be wearing a skirt or shorts someplace & my leg hair is starting to look like my husband's in volume.

Down there, though: how many guys actually care about that? I've had my whole attitude & practices on shaving forever, even when I was single. Guys I dated by & large didn't care. Now, maybe you'd argue that I enjoyed some pretty girl privilege here or the fact that I was willing to have sex made it irrelevant for the male population by & large. I have no idea; none of my sorority sisters ever mentioned that being an issue for them.

I personally feel like shaving is one of those things women do for other women. They don't want other women making fun of them or getting catty about it. I've never felt the need to compete with and be catty toward other women; of course, I always made sure when I was checking out guys at the club I was in a spot away from other women. One way you can tell I'm straight? When other women would be too close to me or my vantage point if I was out someplace as a single person, my first thought was "Move it bitch, you're blocking my light!"

Exactly one guy I ever dated brought up the subject with me of doing something about "down there." He's also the same guy who bugged me about paying on dates & was described by a friend of mine as having "the social skills of a rock." I call him Condo Man.

Condo Man lived in a condo (duh) & had lots of pictures of women in bikinis. I had a strong feeling I was the second girl he slept with & he was 8 years older than me. One day, he decides to ask me about shaving or waxing down there.

I told him the truth: there's two ways that area's going to look. You have the choice of hair or little red bumps. It made wearing an average swimsuit hell for me when I started getting hair since I had the choice of hair poking out or getting irritation to remove the hair.

I tried to Nair it once; that caused little red bumps. Home waxing caused me to bleed & suffer serious pain; I'm a pain wuss & probably didn't have the wax hot enough. Direct shaving didn't work either since I still had the freaking hair there & it hurt like hell afterwards.

Dick move to tell a naturally redhaired woman you won't have sex with her if she isn't going Brazilian. I accused him of wanting me to look like a 10 year old girl. Natural redheads (at least this one) & waxing do not mix: look at the after pics of my eyebrow wax in The Wedding Saga series if you think a professional wax wouldn't result in bad fu for me.

A natural redhead tampering with her "down there" area isn't going to look like some tanned Brazilian chick after waxing: she's going to have little red bumps that hurt like hell and won't be in the mood for wearing underwear, much less having sex. Forget about oral.

So, hypothetical guy, my suggestion to you if you're obsessed with having a woman who looks like she moonlights as a porn actress or Playboy model: don't date a natural redhead. If that obsession trumps the awesomeness of the natural redhead, you will just piss her off & God knows what she might do after you suggest she go inflict this pain on herself to make you happy. Plus, it defeats the entire purpose of getting rid of the hair since no one wants to be intimate if they've got those little red bumps from irritation. Why put yourself through that? By the time those little red bumps are gone, the hair's growing back.

Check out the comments on that letter. A bunch of people were defending this guy & I had to wonder if they'd ever dated a woman with sensitive skin. Some of us can't just "shave it off." If some men want to volunteer for that task & make it relatively painless for the woman, then I'll give some leeway.

If you could find me a cheap/low cost method to get rid of hair permanently without ever having to do the area again or having nasty side effects someplace, I'd consider it. I would love to never have to do hair removal again so long as the hair on my head still grew. Electrolysis is NOT cheap & it's time consuming, not guaranteed, simply not a viable option in my opinion.

You know, my whole skin thing is probably a good reason I'd never be considered to be a Playboy model. I have never had an afro or anything crazy but my centerfold pictures would have little red bumps or hair unless they airbrushed those bumps out.

Come to think of it, has anyone seen a nude model or porn actress who was a natural redhead? I haven't & if you do, I'd love to ask her about her hair removal secrets for "down there" since I'm sure she can't go on camera with the little red bumps and I doubt filmmakers love her so much they're going to spend more in editing & post production just so she can have sex on camera. Is this some other fetish section I'm not aware of in porn? It does seem to be a fetish in reality (at least with people I've encountered online & in real life, including my high school boyfriend) so I wouldn't be shocked if that was a separate category. They have clown porn so surely there's a category for this one. Maybe everyone dies in it, though.

If anyone is capable of killing someone from the intensity of sex, it would have to be a natural redhead.

Condo Man summed up the 1 in 100 guys who bothered me about things no one else did. 99 guys in a room never bothered me about things that he did. The funny thing is he bothered me about things other women get bothered about but in my case, those things never came up. If 99 guys won't bother you about something, why would you go out with the 1 who does? That question always came to mind when dating him & having fights on these issues.

Heck, if people think my husband isn't good enough for me they'd have wanted to kill Condo Man among my many jerky exes! I wouldn't be the least bit shocked if Condo Man were still single. He made me look functional & normal by comparison. He even made me look social; it was probably a turning point for me on that front.

People commenting thought this guy was watching a lot of porn or had a woman on the side. Well, if my husband tells me to be hairless after 18 years of marriage I'll tell him what I told Condo Man & how shitty that is to say to a natural redhead. I'll also have to insist on an open marriage; I realized my limit on celibacy is if you put me in a period longer than what I experienced when I was single. I didn't have even a year of celibacy after losing my virginity & I'm still trying to figure out how many months would cross that limit. I think it's within single digits though might not be less than 6 months.

I have to calculate this since then it does make it fair for me & my circumstances. The reason for this? I did a fair amount of dating once I got out of my hometown (after that, I managed to have summer relationships with guys who didn't know me in the past), had no shortage of interested guys & sex is a basic human need. Sorry if that upsets the Puritans but it is & if you knew my family, it's a small miracle that I'm not totally frigid or married to Psycho Boy. Recently found out that ex-friend didn't take God's bitchslap seriously & made the same mistake AGAIN. Sort of confirmed I made the right choice & made me say "Wow, my sister's got a much bigger heart than me since I couldn't call someone who neglects their kids a friend of mine."

Ladies, I say do what you're comfortable with and if some guy dares to tell you to be bald he'd better be willing to do the same for you. I didn't really ask Condo Man about it but he didn't go hairless for me so that tells you something. If he's got sensitive skin, he needs to be thinking twice about demanding a woman do that for him if she's got the same thing.

Spell it Out, Sister! "50 Shades of Grey" and Classism

You're getting an extra entry at both fan behest & because I was downloading Prince songs. I also planned to go into the office today but worked at home b/c I didn't want to risk being struck by lightening on my walk to the subway as I walked under the trees on our sidewalk.

As you read before, my husband foisted 50 Shades of Grey upon me. I still stand by my statement that it's totally porno & that is the only reason it's on the NY Times Best Seller List. The porn aspect has also been the consensus among everyone I know who's read it. Furthermore, you're not reading it for the author's writing skills. I've heard multiple people say the writing was excruciating or plodding in some fashion. I promised to write a rant topic on it after I read it; a little late but it felt fitting to write it now.

I do give the author credit for a realistic ending for the first book. If it stopped there, my inner feminist would be happy since I like realism in my media. However, it doesn't. I, however, do since I know I'd be disappointed in the lead female character for going back to that situation. It also has some very negative commentary & I'd hate to think men believe all women are that way. Let me tell you right now, we aren't.

One thing that really pissed me off was the covering up of terms. I hear that in urban fiction, you will see the word "dick" to refer to the guy's private parts. However, if it's a white romance author you see things like "manhood" or "he inserted himself." In this book, "vagina" isn't used but "me" or "my sex" is.

Why are white people so damn bashful about sex (at least Americans or those from a puritanical culture like this British author; I'm sure the French are just fine with it)? I sure as hell can't write it credibly but maybe I've done too much of it & have the added baggage of my religion infused childhood blocking me. Any sex scene I ventured to write would have comedic elements, probably because some of my actual experiences did have comedy in them. I know my artistic limits & I'm pretty sure that's one of them.

Listen, sister: if you want to write a porn tome, don't be bashful. Be direct, damn it! Spell it out. You have adult readers. We aren't stupid. If you're going to be that graphic anyway, why censor that for us? Playboy's sex stories sure don't play that censorship. They spell it right out for you. None of their authors are bashful about it. They put it right in your face 100% & I'm sure make no apologies for it.

If you're going to "go there," why not take us all the way. There are Prince songs more graphic than this book. Seriously, though I would still pay money to go to a Prince soundtrack wedding (circa early career to mid-90s songs).

I was also looking for anal in it only to find none since that was mentioned in the book as something this guy liked to do. With all the buildup, you expected it to happen & it didn't.

One other thing: with the book written from the virgin female character's perspective (whose name also sounds like she just stepped off a porn set according to hubby), I totally understand how Psycho Boy lost his mind after we gave our virginity to each other. I did not lose my damn mind after I first had sex; I did not have illusions of turning some guy into a "flowers & hearts kind of guy" like this character does. She reminded me of Psycho Boy in his attempt to change me into a "flowers & hearts" kind of gal who'd go run off with him into the sunset. Getting that insight was interesting & I finally understood it more when my family claimed I ruined this guy. Sure, I was like "this is great" when I first did it but I had better later on (much, MUCH better in fact) & it was a lot about rebellion from the strict upbringing I had along with having a means to do it without having anyone I had to go to class with or deal with regularly finding out information I didn't want them to know. Man, if they knew some of that stuff I'd have never had any peace or quiet & would likely have been disappointed with lack of skills. You have to work to impress redheads. Case in point: Vampire Boy had far more sexual experience than me when I met him (he was my 3rd; I was his 10th) & he actually told me I was the best he'd ever had in that realm.

Personally, I don't think I ruined Psycho Boy even to this day considering I was prepared & deliberate in my choice to lose my virginity. If he wasn't, he shouldn't have lied to me about being mature enough to handle it. Not all women are trying to make a man into a "flowers & hearts kind of guy." We can be just as cold and unfeeling as any guy. Nor did I do anything I knew I'd regret later on.

Oh, and the money thing. I should mention the male lead in this book is a guy with tons of money & that's presented as part of this woman's attraction to him. Unlike many people, that shit doesn't impress me; it's more likely to piss me off. I remember dating my husband & saying that if he'd come from money, we wouldn't be together. In my view, the money thing goes to class & how you grew up. A person who grew up having to work for things due to lack of money has a very different mentality and mindset from someone who didn't (unless maybe that person wasn't coddled by their parents & there was no perk to having $ that factored into their upbringing like no bailouts or paying for college). I don't care how nice or compassionate you are about it; people from 2 different worlds on that end are never going to truly understand each other in a romantic context. It's just so much a part of who you are & how you handle situations as an adult that I don't think you can really understand it if you haven't lived it. I knew a rich guy would never be able to fully understand me & probably couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't going to be bought or take shit from him b/c of his net worth.

Not being able to fully understand someone means, in my book, that you can never truly love that person for himself/herself. Then if you can't love that person fully, how can you possibly have a future together? As my mind ran & still does, you can't! You just can't. It's the same thing with differences in education.

My own academic prowess & background is something so integral to who I am and what I believe in that if you weren't as educated or had that drive to get an education, you'd never fully get me. My own mother warned me about that when I was dating Psycho Boy & I feel that relationship proved that point.

That's not to say you couldn't be friends with people from different socioeconomic backgrounds. I have some myself; you just sort of have an unspoken agreement that you don't say or do certain things since you know it would be hitting below the belt.

Now to get sleep. Remember, if you're going to write graphic sex scenes go big or go home (as the saying goes)!