Why My Autobiography Just Begs to Be Written Someday

Among the other things I've done in my life, I learned more information amidst the death of my father that just screams "writing inspiration."

First off, my former friend who showed her ass at my sister's wedding chose the day after my father collapsed & was in the hospital to try apologizing for it and shoving her way back into my life. Real fucking nice there, huh? My husband went to his Other inbox to find the date on this little message. She told my sister she'd sent it weeks before; ha!

Doesn't that sound ghoulish to you? I really think it does. While I was in town, she kept calling my sister & trying to come over. Christ, what the fuck is that about? She probably figured I was staying there or spending time there. Exactly what would she hope to accomplish by talking to someone whose father has just died? That sounds to me like trying to prey on someone's vulnerability. I made it crystal clear that I didn't want to deal with her so injecting herself where I don't want her is the emotional equivalent of punching me in the face.

What sane person would do that to someone? If you're so hellbent on talking to someone, send a Sympathy card. Talk to the people who want to talk to you! Don't inject yourself into someone else's grieving experience!

I had to play "dodge the ex-friend" at the wake since I figured she'd have zero respect or regard even if my mother & sister told her not to speak to me. Though I think she could firebomb a church & my sister would still be friends with her. Meanwhile, had I pulled the shit this ex-friend did at my sister's wedding my sister would have cut me off completely & I'd have never seen my niece or nephews again.

My husband thinks I did this to get my mind off the whole wake experience. Looking at my father in the casket, he didn't look the same. He was chalk white & looked old. Even in the hospital he had more color though that wasn't him either. I have a nasty Yelp review to write very soon about the doctor who tried to deprive me of saying goodbye.

Before that wake, I did get in a fight with my mother over the same old clothing battle again. Even in death, she felt she had the right to tell me what to wear & had all this objection over my shirt that says "Good Girls Go to Heaven, Bad Girls Go to New York." She thought that the pastor they had doing the service would get a laugh from it but claimed "that's not appropriate to wear." I refused to budge on that issue & opted to stay home. At least one friend agreed with me on this; I couldn't see her ever letting anyone censor her style so I figured I shouldn't do it either. Gee, I don't live there, don't go to that church, am not even in that religion & am a grown woman!

Sooner or later you have to say "Enough is enough." Just because my sister asks my mother's approval on clothing doesn't mean I should have to. Plus, I'm a model & live in NYC; I know more about fashion than they do. Nor should they get any right to try shaming me into being a frump. I knew my father wouldn't care & was never obsessed with trying to infantalize me. Maybe to piss my mom off if she dies before me, I should really wear a stripper like outfit to the funeral (in black, of course)!

On Wednesday, the funeral, I opted not to wear makeup. While I was soaking my eyes, my father's cat Layla jumped onto the bed. My mom was saying she missed her Daddy; it made me cry since I knew this cat wasn't going to get the same affection from anyone that she got from him. I thought about how my cats would feel if my husband or I died, especially my Russian Blue since his breed gets super attached to their humans. Considering I was barely able to get my contacts in from drying out my eyes with tears, I figured eye makeup would be a bad idea. Plus if I'm wearing it I get very conscientious about not messing it up.

I got to wear my black silk dress that I'd gotten ages ago & felt would be the perfect funeral dress. It was sporadically raining outside & I was worried I'd be getting it soaked i.e. ruining it. I was assured I looked gorgeous in it; if you saw it & already think I am even in my worst times, you'd have probably thought so as well.

We got a family car from the funeral home at my sister's request so I rode in that with even the driver holding an umbrella to protect my dress while I traipsed the muddy driveway to the limo. In so many ways it was a tight squeeze and as someone who both isn't a "believer" + is childfree, it was not pleasant for me. I couldn't help but cry at parts of the service & when they played "Taps" as part of the military portion of the funeral. My father really didn't know a stranger; as part of his being gone, I'm trying to be less closed off on the unpleasant stuff.

I've still felt compelled to cry at times. Sometimes little things triggered it like seeing Layla and petting her. For some reason, she wasn't nearly as skittish as she was in the past. I sure don't want to hear about Father's Day shit; in fact, I'd rather not celebrate it at all. Can't even imagine how Thanksgiving or Christmas will be; they feel a million miles away right now.

I did write a letter to say the things I never got to say. Writing that also made me teary eyed. I'm sure it had to be fun for my seatmate on Amtrak but at least he was respectful & didn't pry into my private affairs.

Death makes you see who your real friends are & who they aren't. Some haven't even mustered a "That sucks" & I do know one thing for certain: my future isn't going to be with City Bar's Entertainment Committee. I've seen all kinds of things about their loved one's funerals but no one's bothered posting about my father's. Out of state or not, that's still an immediate family member of mine & I know if it was certain people's parents, they'd get an announcement & information on it. I did my part by alerting the Committee President on it. If I can't even get that, I shouldn't have to announce it myself. This isn't an IndieGoGo campaign or my modeling debut. I feel quite betrayed & insulted here.

Nor should a woman ever have to tell her husband she needs comforting. My husband ticked me off a few times by not getting that & just hanging out with my nephew or brother in law instead of doing the very thing he was supposed to be in NC doing in the first place: comforting me. Is this a guy thing? Do we women actually have to tell our romantic partners "Hey, I'm upset here! I'd like a hug (or grief nookie or whatever.)"

I got back home Friday night amidst pouring rain. It rained in NC much more than I expected during the week so it was a good thing I took my hoodie & waterproof jacket. Made sure to wear them on Friday since they called for rain from NC to where I had to go. My train was delayed by 2 hours but I still beat my husband back to NY state. He flew since he opted to fly later & couldn't cancel the return trip without paying a ton of money for the cancellation fee. I refuse to fly for various reasons, particularly the whole being treated like a criminal thing & the sexism against women with baggage policies (yes, it's totally sexist to women considering we usually have to pack more & are expected by conventional society to care more about our appearance). I figured I didn't need more bullshit when it's already a pain in the ass to get to NC from where I live & vice versa. Unless you drive yourself (which has its own hassles & challenge), it's literally a pain to deal with transit to get to the area. I also expected delays & wasn't sure my husband would be able to fly out, especially since he was flying US Airways (one of the worst airlines in existence).

Only since I've gotten home do I feel that I've gotten any respite from this. We had no rental car or privacy from all of it. No grief nookie or even grief making out, no feeling I was at home or real way to feel comfortable. I feel like a prisoner when I'm in NC, at least when I'm not hanging out with people like those I associate with on my own in NYC. After that sweaty, rain soaked walk home, I hugged my babies (the cats), made the calls I needed to including some to friends & contemplated what I was going to do at 10:40 at night when I woke up at 5:15 that morning. I don't sleep outside of a bed or couch at where I'm supposed to be staying for the night unless I'm really out of it. That takes a lot from me since I'm paranoid about theft while I sleep.

I also learned a few other revealing facts on this trip: my parents did have sex after having my sister & Psycho Boy, the guy I lost my virginity to, now has a boyfriend.

The Psycho Boy thing is interesting for a few reasons. First off, if I were a size queen I'd have just let him move to Marietta & planned a future with him. Let me tell you right now that size is nothing when it's attached to a guy who is mentally unstable & has an unhealthy obsession with you. Not to mention someone who loudly announces the nudity in artwork & raves about how hot your boss is at your work study job (while she's in earshot, by the way).

Second, I'm not sure I had major clues on this one since he just seemed to me to be the type who really wasn't ready for sex at the time while I was. Everyone around me had done it & I didn't want my first time to be with a rapist. I wanted to choose my experience & start living as an adult having those college experiences. Perhaps I was trying to break from the puritanical chains I got stuck in from childhood & embrace my new life. He made some peculiar requests later on but to me, it seemed to come from the lens of "This is new for me & I'm going to jump right in."

Third, he was the kind of guy to sway more into homophobia than tolerance. He didn't seem to be particularly sympathetic to gay issues; in fact, he wasn't the type to even know enough about politics or social issues to have an opinion much less debate me on them. In short, there was not that intellectual satisfaction that I thought I didn't need but in fact a person does need. My mother intimated this with her remark about our relationship not being sustainable since he didn't even have a GED & I was going into my second year of college.

After hearing this, I'm wondering what his father said or did. Psycho Boy told me about his father finding a sex toy of ours & assuming his son was gay instead of going to where most of us might logically go first: he's using it on this girlfriend he's been spending all this time with recently. Needless to say, his father was angry & perhaps a tad paranoid about the possibility of his son deviating from the Christian holy roller tradition of marrying a girl, having babies with her & all that noise. Psycho Boy told me about how pissed his parents were at his older brother for getting a girl pregnant outside of marriage.

I think I get a pass on not marrying this guy or staying in a long term relationship like my family would have wanted, don't you? My mother & sister were always sympathetic to him; even my sister made cracks about how I messed him up by being the first girl he slept with & broke his heart. I think I'd have been really pissed about being in a sham marriage & would demand a divorce.

These days, you can go to my home state or a few others in this country & marry your homosexual lover if you want to. You can get insurance & all sorts of stuff you couldn't in the past; all you have to do is go to one of those states and not live in the crappy redneck parts of this country where people love to impose their way of life onto everyone else instead of actually LIVING a life of their own. From what I hear, this would have been a relationship entered into under false pretenses. You have to at least inform someone if you want them to be in a sham marriage & give them permission to have an open relationship so they can get their sexual needs met elsewhere. I wouldn't do a sexless marriage, as should be obvious.

It was something of a shock but also a relief for me. Psycho Boy finding happiness with the other team means he's no longer obsessed with me or someone I have to worry about becoming obsessed with me again (at least if he's full on gay & not just bi). This was a guy who'd hated natural redheads before dating me & hasn't been the first to react in some strong way towards me that made me feel claustrophobic or trapped. It means I could see him at some event & not have to worry that he's going to do something to make me uncomfortable or prompt my husband's attention.

Maybe I also helped him get to that point or made him presentable to gay men; I would consider it a point of pride to have inspired someone to have the courage to be themselves without worrying about what anyone else thought. Apparently I was the one who motivated him to get his driver's license and work on getting that GED. The girl after me was apparently abusive but you never know: the being yourself without worrying about what other people think sounds a lot like me. I can say for sure there aren't many people like that in my hometown; more of them worry about what other people think instead of doing what they want to do. That's probably one reason I had to get the hell out of there.

It's interesting to note that according to studies, gay men are bigger. I thought maybe this was anecdotal but my husband looked it up & it wasn't. This whole thing with Psycho Boy would definitely support this since he was the biggest I had.

The smallest guy, however, wasn't a super massive horndog who jumped on anything with a pulse. I call him Corona Boy & he was definitely not the sort of guy with women falling all over him. That is something I couldn't speculate on since I was never the type to be interested in those guys (sharing wasn't my thing & probably isn't for most natural redheads) or really get anyplace with them (referring to the high school crush there). Maybe other women can tell us if the guys who jump on anything are the smallest & worst in bed.

It would be true justice if that were the case, don't you think? No woman would have to worry about not sleeping with that guy in high school or college since she'd have been disappointed there too. I couldn't say about women since I've not met any truly non-selective women that men would want to compete with each other to sleep with.

This has to explain things about me but I'm not sure exactly what. In the meantime, I'm seeing friends who care, taking it easy & waiting for the day I'll not worry about crying at random. I'm not sure you ever get over it & I'm still pissed by the unfairness of it all. Religion doesn't provide me comfort on it. The only comfort I have is that I'm going to make money from what I do or die trying. I won't have anyone belittle or undermine my career or use lack of money to claim it's not valid. I owe it to my deceased family to keep living to the fullest and taking every viable opportunity I can. Those not with that program will just have to get out of my way.

I've also got a treasure trove of inspiration for writing.

Political Contributions: A Nice Gesture or Payola?

My general take on politics is no big secret if you actually read this blog. If you haven't, my basic attitude is that it's all bullshit & even if I were in charge, there would still be corruption and garbage going on. I also had some rather intimate experiences in the world of politics and despite being told I ought to run for office, I think I'm just too ethical myself for the task. You know people would bitch & moan about me being A) childfree, B) not being some devout God bothering asshole & C) the owner of an independent mind with my own point of view.

One of those experiences dealing with the intimacy of politics is a judicial campaign. A judge I do not know personally, who has taken zero personal interest in my life either got or decided to add my private e-mail address to her campaign mailing list (likely because of being on the same bar association committee as me). The very first event I got invited to as part of this campaign was for a meet & greet where the "suggested contribution" was $1,000.

Now, I have no general problem with people doing fundraising. Indie film people have to do fundraising all the time, either through getting investors or launching campaigns on Kickstarter or IndieGoGo. They give you different incentives depending on what you can contribute. Generally, the discussion in those fundraising efforts is "give if you can & if you choose to do so, give what you can." They don't take on the attitude that you are worthless if you can't give a "suggested donation/contribution."

Friends of mine are also in local political office or ran for it. I remember them mentioning their campaigns on Facebook. One even ran for NC State Senate. They managed to incorporate news of their campaigns and ask for money without being irritating about it. They also told you what they'd done specifically and where they stood on specific issues to convince one to donate to their campaigns.

So, I'm aware that politicians have to get money from somewhere since the government refuses to enact any true campaign finance reform and make it fair for all people to run for office in a viable manner, not just those born to money. Yep, I think Citizens United is a stupid precedent & should be tossed post haste though I actually studied it in my Supreme Court Symposium class and have more understanding of it than your average person.

However, I think some distinctions on this are in order:

1. None of my friends who had campaigns e-mailed me about it. We're talking about my friends. This was a total stranger who sent me an e-mail about the event.

Announcing a campaign on your Facebook page is not the same as sending me a direct e-mail on it.

2. My friends didn't have "suggested contributions" and if they had, I guarantee it wouldn't have been $1,000. Everyone I've told about this suggestion (including someone who works in government) thought it was tacky, distasteful and unreasonable.

You should know that I wouldn't give $1,000 to anyone without justification, not even a family member & probably not even if $1,000 became like $10 to me. I have also never made a political contribution to anyone & if you want one, you'd better really wow me + take an interest in my life, events, etc. If I feel you're just patronizing me & don't really care about my concerns, I'm not going to bother.

3. I know my friends would actually listen to what I have to say without me giving them a dime for political campaigns. They would actually take me seriously if I made a point & give me credit for it. This judge didn't give me that sense based on all this lack of personal e-mails and conversations with campaign reps.

Telling me that my voice means nothing to you unless I give you money sounds an awful lot like payola to me. Remember payola? It was when radio stations were paid to play songs by particular artists, translating into those songs becoming popular, going up the charts, etc. It was a huge scandal.

Now, that's not to say it doesn't happen today (I really have no personal knowledge of if it does or doesn't) but we're talking about public servants here. You know, people who are supposed to be serving EVERYBODY regardless of their campaign contribution to the election or how much money they have.

Radio station owners, at least, are not under public duties to serve people. They have no high moral ideals they're supposed to be meeting in playing or not playing a particular songs. Politicians and other elected officials are a different story. They're supposed to be held to much higher standards.

If they aren't, why does anyone give a damn if a politician cheats on his wife, propositions little boys or goes to a hooker? If we're allowing payola here, shouldn't we just admit that politicians aren't held to any standards of decency or public conduct? I don't consider being forced to purchase equal rights or rational thought from someone a decent act. I'd rather be represented by the adulterer or patron of hookers.

Even the pedophile would be better than the "buy my advocacy" candidate & I think pedophiles deserve what they get in public outrage & vigilante justice.

In response to this suggestion, I wrote back telling this person they were barking up the wrong tree considering what I & my husband do for a living. I also explained that I would likely never appear before this judge & without knowing anything about this person, I'm not handing over a dime much less an amount that would impose a hardship on my household.

A rep from the campaign then contacted me and said she'd send me info on more affordable events (this meaning the minimum contribution was $100, which is still excessive to me). I then get an e-mail recently on events (including one the same day that I saw after getting home from work). The only event that worked with my schedule was the make-up of the $1,000 contribution one. It turns out someone I knew was a host at the event so I asked her about this contribution thing, making the same points I'd made before on cost & the fact that my husband gets a say in such things as well so no way am I paying a dime without an opportunity to meet the person myself and form my own opinions.

I heard nothing back so I decided it was not worth me taking off work early to attend.

So, basically I have a real problem with the idea that my voice is only worth whatever extortion money you collect from me. I'm not going to vote for someone who expects me to hand them money to do a damn thing to benefit me. What the hell is the point? Hence, my extreme cynicism over politics.

I'll tell you right now that my company has never treated fans who didn't give to a campaign or who had less money like garbage while reserving the good treatment for investors. I wouldn't let them, either. That's classism at its core & acting that way proves to me you have zero class. Funny, I'm not even running for public office & I conduct myself that way. Why can't this person or other politicians?

What really irks me is groups like Move On or People for the American Way. I'll sign some of their petitions (if I agree with the issue) but I took my e-mail off PFAW's list after this insulting e-mail I got (complete with tons of links):

"Dear M,

It appears that the most unlikely name of all may now be supporting Mitt Romney for president:

M T (the name I used on these sites)


Please give me a moment to explain.

Thanks to the Citizens United decision, corporations now have the same free speech rights as people when it comes to spending money on America's elections. Every time you pay your bills, buy gas, food, or any other everyday item, some of that money is going directly into Mitt Romney's campaign budget.

That is why it is so important that you renew your PFAW membership.

If PFAW loses someone as committed to the American Way as you are M -- to someone like Mitt Romney -- either directly or simply by your inaction ... our civil rights and liberties as Americans will be absolutely devastated.

Please become one of the 7,987 newly renewed members we need standing with us this election year against the Radical Right. You already know what Romney's extreme right agenda would include --

Advancing the War on Women -- defunding family planning, denying access to basic birth control, and criminalizing reproductive choices.
Packing the Supreme Court with justices like Robert Bork -- who Mitt Romney named to co-chair his presidential advisory committee on law, the Constitution and the judiciary.
Privatizing Social Security and devastating Medicaid.
Slashing federal safeguards for the environment, energy and education.

We need the renewed support of 7,987 members by October 2012, so please make an urgent renewal contribution today.

With just a few months left before Election Day, we can’t take ANY chances! Republican extremist and anti-Union Governor Scott Walker’s victory in Wisconsin showed the impact of the Right’s big (and early) money advantage. And that’s exactly why your renewed support is needed more than ever before!

We need to pull out all the stops to defeat Romney and his radical right agenda RIGHT NOW! There isn’t much time left! It is imperative that we -

* Organize progressive voters and get them to the polls on Election Day. Get-out-the-vote efforts were essential to our victories in 2006 and 2008, and will be again in 2012.
* Fight the outrageous lies being propagated by the Republicans and the Tea Partiers to build unfounded fear and resentment for President Obama and Democrats in Congress.
* Buy airtime and advertisements on television, radio and the internet. We also need funding for phone banking and mail efforts to reach voters directly.
* Put “boots-on-the-ground.” People For the American Way is placing staff members in key districts to best coordinate our forces.

All this takes resources -- which is why PFAW needs you to renew your 2012 support immediately. Because if the unthinkable happens, we will only have ourselves to blame for not doing even more to prevent it. Please renew today!

Sincerely,
Michael B. Keegan signature
Michael Keegan, President"

The subject was: M, thank you for your support of the Romney campaign

I took my name off their mailing list right away & wouldn't do crap for these people. Newsflash: when all your e-mails or even over 50% of them are "give me $," you're wasting your time & pissing me off. This pissed me off on a nuclear level. I felt it was inflammatory. Pissing me off isn't going to inspire me to help you; it will most likely inspire me to tell you to go fuck yourself.

When I don't know who the hell you are, you have made zero effort to listen to what I have to say & never bothered responding if I complain about something you are wasting your time. If I gave $ to everyone who asked, I'd be flat broke as most everyone else would be.

Accessibility is very important to me & I strongly believe that politicians for the most part are anything but (certainly most people running for office can be included here). When I'm only getting form letters from your office & you merely condescend to me, I'm not going to care about what you do & I will go out of my way NOT to do anything that might remotely benefit you.

Just so you know, I'm not some little peon you can spit on; I have a comparable education and experience to you so probably better for you not to fuck with me. 'Kay? (imagine the head turn of Dr. Hutchison from Rocko's Modern Life as you read this)