Another "Am I Getting Old" Query; Guys Skipping Drinks & Telling Girls to "Come Over" Sight Unseen

So being divorced & looking like me, you can imagine I get asked out a lot. Now having been out of the market for a while it's certainly possible trends pass you by and the rules change. Think of your typical movie or sitcom when someone's just gotten out of a long term relationship (dead spouse, divorce, whatever) and someone more "hip" to the dating scene advises the newly single character about it.

One of the biggest things I've seen & rules instilled into me concerning online dating or interactions online in general is "Never meet a potential date for the first time in their home." Countless stories abound about women in particular going to meet someone after responding to a job ad or a personals ad or talking to someone on an online dating site and ended up being kidnapped, raped, sold into prostitution, murdered or whatever bad thing you can imagine. E!, 20-20 and plenty of media outlets have covered stories on these things for a good 20 years or so.

With the constant drumbeat of "strangers are scary" and "don't be off by yourself with total strangers," I'm puzzled by guys who tell women to "come over" when they've been corresponding with them online and want to meet them. Hello, you forgot something. What about "getting drinks" in a public setting? "Grabbing dinner?" "Getting coffee?" SOMETHING??!?!?!

Men pulling this shit, let me tell you how that sounds to women. Women (at least those with half a brain) hear: "I think you're a booty call or a sex toy I can pull out at will, not a human being with feelings or a life. I will never take you out in the light of day because you aren't worth it."

Do you know what type of women come to your house sight unseen to fuck you? Call girls!!! There's a business around that practice. Essentially another form of prostitution. Call girls cost money. They aren't running a charity operation.

Smart, higher class call girls (the category an educated woman would fall into if she were doing it as a profession) don't show up to your doorstep without being vetted. They usually have agencies to verify the guy is not a cop, serial killer and so forth.

Call girls & prostitutes also have pimps to protect them from men who lure them into gang rape situations, kidnappings, physical assault, etc. Women who don't charge you money for that don't have pimps.

Now if you want to be a call girl & it's not illegal where you are, go right ahead. Otherwise, you're playing with fire & you could end up in jail. We'll save the legal debates & morality of safety or not for another day.

Here's why asking women you talk to on dating sites about that is a bad idea:

1. Sane women with some self-esteem will think you are labeling them as call girls or hookers. They will find it offensive. Women from certain backgrounds will definitely not talk to you. You want a nice, Christian girl you can take home to Mama? She's not going to pop up at your house with no date or public meeting beforehand. She'll be done with you the minute you ask her to "come over." I'm sure Jewish, Muslim, Catholic and girls from other religious backgrounds would concur.

2. How do you know the women you're talking to are who they say they are? You can lie very easily online. For all you know, that hot blonde could be a 60 year old sweaty, fat guy who just got out of jail & has a real craving for young, hard bodied dick.

You could also end up with some ugly fat woman who could be Hillary Clinton's twin. That'll really turn you on, won't it?

Or she could be a 15 year old crack whore. Or she could be another Alieen Wuornos (look her up if you don't know who she is) or a wild dick chopper. You ever hear about the Craig's List Killer? People can hide shit very easily through e-mail and text and dating sites.

3. You've set the tone for future interactions. It's not "I'll take you out and treat you as a lady." Most women don't want to be a booty call or a sex toy, no matter what they tell you. They want you to show them respect and do nice stuff for them with a pure heart, not a selfish quid pro quo intent.

4. Women will assume you have no sisters, mothers, aunts, cousins, nieces, or female friends & if you do, you don't give a damn about them. If your sister met a guy & he told her to "come over," would you be okay with that?

Would you be okay with your female friends or your mother serving as the sex delivery girl to some strange guy? A trillion dollars says you'd be infuriated at the guy asking some female you cared about such a thing. I have my own male friends & I'm sure if I told them some guy asked me that, they'd not like you very much either.

Then why is it okay for you to ask some random woman that if you'd not like that being asked of YOUR female loved ones?

5. The world isn't Tinder. Some people don't use Tinder b/c they aren't looking for "wham bam thank you ma'am" to never hear from that guy again. Personally, if I had a good time with a guy I'd want to do it again. I find the one night stand stuff offensive since that's insulting my sexual technique & telling me I'm not that good in bed. I've been told I think like a guy so if I'm saying this, imagine how your average woman feels about it.

I've heard guys actually debate women on caring about their personal safety, including professional types. I think it would serve them right to invite a chick over & she chops their heads off with a machete. Bet you'd not be insulting strange women again once your buddy had his head chopped off with a sword like in Highlander. You'd definitely think twice if a recently released convict showed up on your doorstep instead of some blonde model you expected.

As I understand the world of dating, you set up a first meeting in a public place for dinner/drinks/coffee/whatever you want. You meet in person, make sure who you're talking to is who shows up, verify no one is a criminal, have conversation, see what sort of vibes you get, maybe engage in some physical contact like kissing THEN decide if you're going back to anyone's place. THEN maybe you'll have sex.

I find the above reasonable. You're in a neutral zone. Everyone concerned is making an informed decision and engaging in any future sexual acts on their own consent (presuming no one was drugged & everyone's still sober or at least not blackout drunk). I don't drink so I'd be making that choice sober and with my full mental faculties. There's an option to leave, say "I'm not interested" and go on your merry way.

If you go to some guy's house, he could try trapping you unless you give him what he wants. Women have gotten raped that way. Who saw you there? If something happened to you, who's going to say they saw you, heard you, how long you were there, etc. Maybe a neighbor or if you're lucky, there's a doorman. Lots of buildings don't have them. No sign in sheets, no security, nothing.

In a restaurant or a bar or lounge, there are employees and patrons who'll likely see things, tell the police if it looked like you were being coerced, maybe security cam footage to show if people were in their right minds when they left, etc. They are less likely to fear retribution from some random bar customer vs. the neighbor or security people having to fear reprisal from someone who might be the head of the co-op board or will make their lives hell in some way that they can't just ban or get away from easily.

So do you want women to think you're a rapist, a cheapskate, a sexist, a man who insults their intelligence (which I particularly hate), a sexist or a creepy pervert? None of those are a good look.

Ladies, if you are engaging in hookups by never having a first meeting in public & being a sex delivery girl you are doing it wrong unless you are collecting call girl money and getting call girl vetting done for you complete with a call girl pimp for protection.

You are also fucking it up for all the "nice" girls and the women who might consider these dudes if these dudes didn't have unrealistic expectations of actual women. When these jerkbags get onto sites that aren't Tinder, you're really messing things up for those daters. Not everyone wants to be on Tinder or deal with that scene.

I also wonder if they're fucking things up for certain demographics of call girls. Don't they have enough shit to deal with already? Must you also put them out of business?

Oddly enough, I have a review coming up & this subject somewhat relates to it.

The Politics of Gift Giving; Can't We Just Listen to People's Preferences?

Today, I went through my first Christmas since my father died & after all kinds of shit has been going down (read earlier posts if you care for the details). Nothing has changed regarding my stance with my in-laws and everyone in my family was content with not exchanging gifts. We did anyway but gave out modest lists & told them they didn't have to put themselves in a financial bind to get us gifts. We also didn't spend a fortune on those we did get gifts for since we do have bills to pay ourselves & again, I'm not a present whore.

In fact, I'm just not all that materialistic. I care much more about how someone treats me day to day than if they get me a Christmas or birthday gift.

Know what really pisses me off? When you tell someone not to get you a gift & then they do it anyway. It's usually not someone who just wants to get a gift & has no expectation of a return gift but instead a greedhead who's just trying to extort presents from you when you never asked for shit from them. Conventional wisdom says do NOT get someone a gift if you expect one in return or you expect the person to spend the same amount on you. In my case, you'd definitely better not do that b/c if you violate "no gifts" with me I'm not spending my money getting you something just b/c you got me something. If you're going to get pissed off b/c you got me a gift I never asked for & then I don't reciprocate, you might as well save that money & pay your bills or get that new shirt you've been eying.

My husband is apparently a typical man, according to Cracked. I read this article not long ago & #3 definitely applies to him when getting a gift from someone he never expected one from or who isn't on the list of people he knows + regards well enough to go get a decent gift for.

It's one thing to reciprocate in business or for your landlord. We have a decent landlord & in NYC, there's that whole nasty tipping culture (especially during the holidays). If I knew what kind of cookies his family liked, I'd made those since I'm a damn good cook & people rave over my cooking. I also have some great recipes & would be super happy if I could try out something I've not done before or I couldn't feasibly have for me and my husband. If not cookies, I'm sure there is some other Christmas appropriate dish I could make. I saw a recipe for a creme brulee treat with egg nog on this carton of egg nog my husband got for me that I plan to save & hope to make sometime for myself.

I feel like the problems come in with relatives. Outside my immediate family, mine have never really exchanged gifts & I just don't care about getting or giving them when someone isn't a fixture in my life, isn't someone I'd take my problems to or anyone who seems to care all that much about my personal happiness/emotional state.

I say if you're going to spend your money on gifts, it should be on gifts for people you honestly care about & who you want to get for.

Do you think someone who you can't be honest with or who only makes an effort on special occasions is someone who should be on the gift giving list? If you don't know their tastes & preferences or could ask them for a list of what they want without them getting pissed off, what is the point? I feel like some of these people giving me unsolicited gifts impose this ridiculous obligation of reciprocation & expect me to spend the same amount of money on them (which I feel is a total waste of money that could be used for better things like living expenses). Or maybe it's just my husband being a typical guy & acting that way toward his relatives.

I outright said "no gifts" to my husband since I despise this political crap & hate the obligation imposed on me when I've had things going on. Plus, there's the whole not being materialistic, not needing all that much & the fact that if you can't give based on the recipient's preferences/tastes, why bother at all? I don't buy gifts based on pushing my personal agenda; I buy for what I think my recipient will like. Gifts from me involve time & effort; within my family, some of them are staples of long standing tradition (particularly my mom's Star Trek ornament, which I've gotten for her every single year since working retail in high school).

My husband said he was going to get a gift for my family after opening our Christmas box today. I told him "don't you dare" since they said not to do that & he'd just be imposing this obligation on them (I'd told my mother she didn't need to spend a lot on us since I know they've got financial strife of their own to deal with, especially with my father gone). He claims he's doing it anyway but when I spoke to my mother today, she told me not to do that & I relayed the message. Don't know if he got it but I asked him how he felt when he told someone not to get him a gift & they do it anyway. I asked whether he feels that's disrespectful to him since I think it's totally disrespectful to me when you ignore my wishes & feel his doing that would impose the same obligation on them when they already have economic issues to contend with.

He told me he's used to people ignoring his wishes. I think that's sad & no one should have to get used to that.

So if you want to show me you care, show it in your actions the rest of the year. I learned a lot about who is a friend or not by who was emotionally present, who was encouraging, supportive, tried making me feel better, offering kind words, gave me some empathy and generally giving me proof that not everyone on the planet is an asshole. It would have been totally unnecessary for any of them to get me a Christmas gift since they already gave me the gift of being a real friend, not some acquaintance I have to put on a happy face for.

I'm just done with putting on shows & politics in general for my personal life. We have to do enough of that shit in our business lives so why are we doing that at home & in families? Try having close family die when you're younger like me & see how eager you are to engage in that nonsense afterwards. I keep making new contacts by the day (since people with drive never sleep or stand still) & don't have time for it in my friendship circle either. I've had enough fake friends in my life & I will surely get more of them; that comes from having my former friend of 20+ years doing a total personality 180.

Quality, not quantity. That's where my head space is. Toxicity also has no place in this life I've been fortunate enough to get to keep living. Have had a ton of time to do lots of heavy thinking & self-realization. I also keep finding out more people I know are going through major life changes. In particular, I learned about 2 people who recently got divorced or are in that process after being married for 20+ years (one contact got served divorce papers yesterday; I pointed out that since he's also creative, he should definitely turn to that since some of the greatest works out there came from someone being in a major crisis or severe life trauma; I guess one bright side is that my writing should be better than ever & my creative well is so much more full than the average person's).

If that doesn't tell you life isn't static, I'm not sure what does. My latest Twitter follower is also someone who is chronicling the experience of getting a divorce from a psychotic ex. Interpret that as you wish.

So when you're giving someone a gift when they say don't do it, you're not being nice. You're being an asshole if you're doing that expecting a gift in return from the person (which 90% of humanity seems to be in my experience). Let me repeat this: when I say "don't get me a gift" and we have no further discussion on this, DON'T GET ME A FUCKING GIFT!!!!!! There is no hidden meaning or secret message with me. I have no time for martyr crap or mind games; what I say is what I mean. Yes, I realize I may be one of the only women who says what she means & perhaps that partially explains why I'm still getting hit on all the time.

If you give me an unexpected gift & then say "You don't have to get me anything so don't feel obligated to do it" while showing me that in your actions, we'll be fine. If you truly mean it, that's okay. What I don't appreciate is people buying you a gift to fish for one out of you. That's extortion & it's completely out of the spirit of Christmas.

I also don't want a gift you only gave me out of obligation, not because you really cared. It's not my job or anyone else's in life to assuage your personal guilt or sense of duty. Please spare me. It's more political nonsense I don't need or want in my private life. Oh, and you're totally piling on this year.

With that mindset, do you see why a person might be pissed at you for springing unexpected gifts expecting something in return? Don't you dare be the asshole doing that to others, especially to those dealing with the grief process! It won't be appreciated.

Stuff like this is just one example of a married person problem that makes me long for my single days. Thankfully, my immediate family has some maturity on this or I'd also long to be completely isolated from the human race.

Networking & Professional Responsibilities

After this evening, I think I'll be spending the rest of my week at home. Just not feeling human interaction right now. Here's why:

Some people have totally gotten confused on the definition and basics of networking. If you're in the entertainment business, particularly if you work with actors & think you're entitled to send me e-mail correspondence I never asked for to an address that's not publicly listed for me you'd better be paying extra special attention.

Networking IS:

* Reaching out to people you think are interesting or awesome for whatever reason; I'm not going to tell you HOW to do it, you just do it
* Showing an interest in that person's life, interests, passions, etc. as they relate to your purpose for talking to him/her
* Learning what you can from this person; don't assume only the pros have knowledge since the newbies to a field also have their finger on the pulse of new & awesome that you might not--those people may also have a unique life experience or story
* Thinking of that person for things if something comes up that might be of interest to them
* Giving someone newer to your field or experience your take over a coffee break or lunch; this is what we call in the business world an "informational interview" since you're getting information that could be practical to you or your experience in a given occupation

Networking is NOT:

* Charging people $ for the privilege of listening to you or giving career advice (especially if you solicited someone through a private e-mail & did not PERSONALLY get invited to send anything or start communicating with the person)
* Communicating with someone in a manner they didn't approve of; note that I'm not speaking of a LinkedIn connection invite or using a Craig's List ad where the person said they'd be interested in talking to people from your profession--I'm referring to using an e-mail you got through a third party with no prior communication to its owner & who has NOTHING to do with the owner; personal assistants are fine but a random business is NOT
* Being an asshole when someone doesn't want to pay $ to talk to you after you've made an unsolicited communication

This is called being a huckster, a douchebag, an asshole, whatever name you want to use. Point is, those acts are a serious violation of business etiquette. As I mentioned before, I get real pissed about business etiquette violations & Jenn Lederer made that mistake before so I'm far nastier about it now.

Encountered the second idiot to forget who she was talking to. This time it was Kerry Donelli of the Donelli Acting Studios. Here's their website.

Their studio recently started sending me unsolicited communications via newsletter. I have no clue how they got my information or who gave it out. Maybe I should thank whoever gave out my private e-mail to these people since now I don't have to worry about them working with my film company & irritating my colleagues. Plus, if they're that dense & clueless then they aren't first class caliber or worth any sane person's time.

When I get a spare moment, I write an e-mail explaining to the person who sent it that A) I happen to do other things in this business besides acting (like being a fucking ATTORNEY & having ownership in a FILM COMPANY), B) she's sending this to a private e-mail address (hello, I have enough shit to deal with without being bothered with all this), C) if there's an interest in networking, I'll consider it (since you should at least investigate if there could be mutual benefit for whoever contacts you in this industry regardless of how communication came about) & D) with their sending information about all these agents & managers, it may not even be relevant to me since I'm not so sure a person in my shoes would even derive benefit from representation (you know, already being a lawyer, having a film company & having contacts could very well make it undesirable for any potential representative not to mention I do have my own will & won't be changing who I am for anyone else).

I also suggested this person look me up online & make her assessments that way (since I grovel to no one & you accept me as I am; you can make your own judgments on my awesomeness or lack thereof since I'm not a used car salesman or someone who feels it's necessary to justify who I am or what I've done). As you can probably tell, I do write longer messages since when I write you I put in some fucking time, thought & effort. It's part of who I am & if you don't like it, I honestly conclude that you're uneducated as well as lazy.

Here's what she writes in response:

I can not read all this. Feel free to call me if you need. Thanks for your understanding.

She could have read it at her leisure & responded at a better time for her. That would have been fine. We all have busy schedules & I usually give folks about a week to respond to my correspondence before getting annoyed.

As a rule, I don't like calling people unless I've had some interaction with them or a lot of time has passed. I also don't like random folk I may not want to deal with at all having my personal phone numbers or bugging me on things. Plus, how do I know she wouldn't have just given that out to others since she somehow got my private e-mail?

I write this in response since it's the simplest statement of all & she obviously has an aversion to how educated people speak:

I'll sum it up as thus: this is UNSOLICITED contact. You can either A choose to network w/me & take a personal interest or B) take me off your list. Simple as that.


I feel it's rude of her to not have bothered reading what I actually wrote & that she's engaging in some serious disrespect. I've had civil discourse & polite conversations with people who are a trillion times busier than she could claim. If she thinks she's busier than the average attorney, especially one who goes to court regularly, she's seriously deluded. I've spoken to various people up & down the food chain of this business, some of whom are 24/7 busy and gotten polite, civil discourse from them via e-mail and/or phone.

So, I'm not about to tolerate this kind of bullshit from some total bitch whose company keeps posting ads for illegal internships on Craig's List.

I can call her a "bitch" because of this response. If you don't think it's bitchy, tell me how it isn't & wouldn't rub you the wrong way:

You want me to WORK WITH YOU after you viciously attack me? lol

you do realize you can unsubscribe at the bottom of the email, yes? welcome
to 2001.

I didn't read this until the next day, though she wrote it seconds after I wrote my response. AND she'd sent out another newsletter to that e-mail, having ignored what I already requested about taking my damn e-mail address off there (I've since removed mine from that list & got to comment on Kerry's bitchiness in their form asking why I wanted to be removed).

Before blocking the e-mail address & ceasing this BS, I wrote this in response:

And YOU choose to disrespect my time & effort in writing when I DO happen to be in fields that could help & benefit you (I'm ALSO an entertainment attorney as well as an exec in an entertainment company, thanks). Guess who handles actor submissions & paperwork for that company?

Guess who's got a LOT of contacts with lawyers in numerous areas & behind the scenes folk? Guess who will be warning these contacts not to deal with disrespectful types who will only cause them problems? I'll let you figure out the repercussions on your own.

The lesson here is to do a Google search or even an IMDB search before you shoot off your mouth to others who didn't ask you to contact them. I'd already heard of this company before & researched them. I didn't recall either of the principles doing anything great & exciting and they certainly never worked with me or mine. For being writers & filmmakers, this Kerry has some pretty pathetic business savvy to go pissing off an entertainment law attorney. Especially one who's got the contacts I have.

Renaissance people have uncommon, unusual careers; you can't afford to make assumptions about them or be nasty to them. They can fuck you up in serious ways. If you think all people doing acting work are peons, you're dead wrong & if you're nasty to me it's going to cost you big time. My rage and blackballing is as hard core as that of any insider or behind the scenes person. I'll also tell my contacts if your name comes up since why should they have to suffer your bullshit; I'd want them to do that for me.

Incidents like this show me your true colors & most definitely paint a picture of stupidity, laziness, lack of innovation, disrespect, just all sorts of bad things you don't want attorneys or your industry peers thinking about YOU. Particularly if you care about advancing anywhere or doing something great.

How someone uses my info is their business but as a business owner & as a lawyer, it's my responsibility not to endorse or stand for the bullshit from someone else in this business.

Yes, doing what I do means you've got responsibilities. One of them is warning others about scumbags & making sure your contacts (and in some cases, simply innocent parties) aren't being taken by some asshole. Another is alerting people to the bullshit if you personally experienced it or get it on good authority that someone's bad news. The responsibilities as a film executive & as a lawyer are not identical but both are significant and important, at least in my book.

One responsibility I take seriously as an attorney is speaking out against society's bullshit, which is why I felt compelled to write about my childfree experiences. I felt that problem deserved acknowledgment & non-attorneys should know that even an attorney (whom doctors tend to show some modicum of respect & professional courtesy towards, maybe as part of an unofficial code of assholes or something?) went through it. Attorneys are supposed to protect the little guy & make sure private enterprise, culture and any other outside force isn't stomping on their legal rights.

Sounds like superhero stuff, huh? Well, I have been called "the avenger."

Plus, despite all the stuff you hear about the law school scam, I've observed and seen that attorneys do have some duties and responsibilities to society at large. Why would we have an ethical code if we didn't? You do also get treated differently if you're a lawyer & I feel in some situations my mentioning it does affect the kind of regard or treatment I get from people. Usually, it comes up in casual conversation or if someone's screwing me over/gives me a sense that my voice means shit to them. Perhaps I also give off some sort of vibe.

Anyhow, one responsibility I feel I have as a volunteer lawyer for Monday Night Law is to give the client some sort of self-efficacy. Since I can't take on full time responsibility for anyone coming in & I can't give out names of attorneys I may know who work in a particular area, I feel anyone I deal with should leave feeling like I did give a shit about their issue and tried to help. To me, you should try to help & at least ask questions to get a sense of where the client has been, what the client wants and if you can make that session useful to the client.

I came in today to get paired up with someone I simply couldn't work with. Apparently, the person was newer than me & I came in during the middle of a client session.

Here's what happened:

1. No real friendliness or sense of trying to be nice w/this person toward me. That already puts you in the hole with me.

2. I get no idea of what's going on or what's been said since, again I'm in the middle of all this.

3. The person I'm working with makes ZERO effort to do anything other than say "You need a lawyer" and give out information the person already has. I probe further & ask about the things the client is saying like about paperwork the person has or proof of what we're hearing there.

I also attempt to give this client some attempt at self-efficacy by asking if she'd talked to anyone at the office for the self-represented since they're supposed to help you with procedural matters & making suggestions to get this evidence for an upcoming proceeding.

4. The person tries telling this client that all law school legal clinics are non-existent for help at this point since none operate in the summer. Having worked in one myself during the summer, I outright refute this in the client's presence.

The person argued with me & I said "That's that ONE clinic (listed on a piece of paper the client had already gotten & showed to us). You can't say that's true for ALL of them." I said to talk to the people at other clinics that handle such matters & see what they say. I also said they might have resources to suggest even if they can't help. The other counseling lawyer also made it sound like the clinics were second rate, which I didn't particularly like.

We never know about things in life if we don't make any effort.

5. I felt like this person was doing ZERO counseling, just handing out info & saying "you need a lawyer." I even said "There are a lot of people who need lawyers & sadly they don't always get them. That's the reality of our legal system." when I got shit over trying to suggest some practical self-help measures like getting evidence & having your witnesses in order. Any attorney working with you on a trial would ask you to do this already & if someone does that, it hurts nothing. You'll either make the attorney's job easier or you'll be able to help yourself if you get caught in a situation where you need a lawyer & can't get one.

I did tell the client she did the right thing in coming to us when she did & not when the proceeding was next week or something since that would help her in getting a lawyer.

6. After the client leaves, this person proceeds to get in my face over the statement on legal clinics. I pointed out that they do have work study students working there in the summer, at least in mine & that she couldn't make a general statement like that based on ONE school clinic's policies. After more words are exchanged, seeing we're at an impasse, I'm low on water & not wanting to be near this person at all, I get up trying to get more water after finishing my last little bit.

Then I decided to take that time to go to the bathroom & in case I want to leave, grab all my things (which I was able to do somewhat inconspicuously since that consisted of my purse, which I sure as hell wouldn't leave unattended, and a small bag I'd carried something I mailed at the post office in).

I wasn't sure how I wanted to handle the situation. Did I want to leave? If I left, how would I do it? Would I just slip away? Would I sign out & make up an excuse to go? Would I talk to the organizers & say I can't work with this person the whole evening?

Took me some time to contemplate this. Part of me leaving a conflict situation is so I don't resort to violence, yelling or whatever else I may feel like doing that wouldn't be appropriate for a particular setting. I did think "I'm not putting up with this bullshit." I was also annoyed I had no one I could talk to about the situation at the moment to advise me on what to do.

Ultimately, I decided to return since I felt it wouldn't be fair to the organizers if I bailed out without saying anything and that it wouldn't be fair to the clients coming in. Plus, I'm probably one of the few attorneys who's personally lived some things & personally knows folks who've gone through some of the issues I've seen. Why should I let some stereotypical attorney asshole chase me out & perpetuate negativity to the clients?

I though to myself about how I do have a distinct style & that someone might bother listening to me since I'm not bitchy to folk and try to make sure I offer something even if it's just an apology because I can't provide what they need. I know how I'd want my family, friends & acquaintances to be treated if they met with a lawyer so I try to give that treatment to others.

Thankfully, the problem sorted itself out. This dreadful person got another partner, I told the organizers what happened (after they told me they presumed it wasn't an issue that this person was working with someone else & I confirmed it) & I got someone else to work with (apparently, that person also had personality issues w/their original partner). That went slightly better though I didn't appreciate the attitude I got over not having precisely XYZ experience in THIS particular area of law in THIS particular state.

I think that's a determination for the program organizers to make, don't you? There's a little thing called "general knowledge of procedure" that's certainly better than knowing zero about something.

Plus, in a prior session when I mentioned what I did & that I felt incompetent in doing sessions, my partner said that "nobody knows everything" and not to worry about that.

Recently, I was asked if I want to do this program again. I said "maybe" but now I wonder. Perhaps I should start counseling on my own since maybe I have a better manner & might be able to sound semi-competent or at least direct someone to the right resources.

When I relayed this tale to my husband & my mother, they agreed with my actions. My husband in particular said if he'd been this client he would have lashed out at this attorney stereotype for not being any help. Some clients, though, don't have that wherewithal or the strength to speak up. Those people need self-efficacy & empowerment more than anyone. They sure as hell don't deserve to be patronized & given zero counseling by an attorney who's supposed to be COUNSELING them! You can give information but unless you're handing out something new to them, you're not being helpful & you are wasting the client's time. I personally feel you need both if you're going to counsel legal clients; that's just my feeling.

I'd hope there are some attorneys who agree with me on this.

How to Ask Lawyers for Legal Help (Or For Professional Services in General)

Those of you who are lawyers are bound to appreciate this. In fact, anyone who's constantly being bombarded with expertise requests where strangers ask for freebies are going to love this one.

If you remember, I'd pretty much not bothered with doing much legal representation since some very horrible experiences with clients taking advantage of me by not paying me for my services & treating me with disrespect. Other people just went MIA but they're not part of this discussion. Those things I mentioned are huge in creating ill will & making a lawyer really hate the general public.

Very recently, I found myself the recipient of referrals & requests on legal stuff. I even read this article that discusses why attorneys shouldn't be working for free, even in this bad economy. Before that, I was talking to an acclaimed acting coach who's worked with celebrities & we got into this very conversation about people asking for freebies.

Let's make a few things clear right off the bat:

1. My legal expertise is a personal thing connected to ME, the person. I don't work at a law firm or own one so if you want me to do you a personal favor, you'd better be taking a personal interest in ME.

How can you do this? You could follow me on Twitter (or at least follow me back if I follow you, which rarely happens; otherwise, I get pissed since that's a form of disrespect in my book & I don't reach out to just anyone there). You could send me a LinkedIn connection request. Even though I don't prefer this, you could even send me a Facebook friend request.

You could also read this blog. In fact, I strongly encourage people wishing to network with me to read this blog since it will tell you whether I'm the right fit for you. If my having a personality & not judging others is an issue for you, I'd rather you not waste my time. If my having a backbone & a sense of ethics bothers you, you definitely don't need to be dealing with me. Trust me, it will save you a lot of time & headaches.

Making that personal effort is going to make me far more motivated to bother caring about your issue or helping you. When you don't do this, I've got zero motivation to care about you or your issues.

2. Do not ask for a freebie in someone's area of expertise (mine included). Unless you fall into one of the following categories, you will piss off any professional for doing so:

A) You're in a networking group with the professional where the professional has made a choice to help you. I myself don't mind doing this sort of thing for entertainment colleagues since I'm choosing to help or not.

B) You're participating in a volunteer project I'm part of. Attorneys have no problems with clients in an organization or program they've signed up to help people in. Most people pick causes they personally care about or have a connection to, though the fact that NY is going to impose a 50 hour minimum pro bono requirement as part of the admission process may very well change this.

I'd like to think, though that most attorneys doing those programs actually care about the people that come in. If they don't, they are pretty stupid & too masochistic for their own goods.

C) You're friends with that professional & not asking for something labor intensive or that takes up lots of time. Real friends don't take advantage that way. If you'd not be willing to do the professional equivalent for that friend, don't ask that of your friend. It will build resentment.

3. Don't make it personal. Attorneys in particular have strict rules & professional ethics requirements. We have to tell you that we're not your lawyer w/out a retainer agreement; we also have to put things in writing. If you don't like that, you're not capable of working with a professional & treating that person with respect. These are standard to my industry.

Any smart freelancer also puts their business transactions with clients in writing.

4. Be an adult. That means listening to what a professional has to say, thinking about what you're told & giving the person room to apply their expertise.

Some people will be collaborative with you & involve you (which I personally think is a good idea & like doing myself) but while you may be involved, that doesn't make you more skilled than the attorney. One experience prompted me not to represent anyone who thinks they're an attorney b/c they've had legal training that wasn't law school.

This also means treating the professional as you'd like to be treated. Would you want me undermining you or leaving you to hold the bag if I asked you about something? Want me to question your expertise at every turn? If that's not something you'd want one of your clients doing to you, then maybe you shouldn't be doing that to the lawyer (or whatever professional you're dealing with).

Attorneys in particular have been burned out by this mess. Your altruism & sense of compassion fades real quick after you get a client or two doing those sorts of things to you. If you think this doesn't happen, go talk to some attorneys & you'll get an education.

5. Finally, if you have another attorney involved in your company & you're using me so you don't have to pay his/her prices don't even bother unless you're offering equity and/or an in-house or junior attorney title. It's just offensive, insulting & creates confusion. If that attorney's not supervising me & is listed as "in-house counsel," then why am I present?

A newbie might be okay with "getting experience" but professionals don't need to do that so free work is nothing but slavery to them. Keep in mind that even new attorneys have a market value that's not $0.

If you remember nothing else from this, remember this: Don't ask professionals for freebies!

I also can't offer referrals to my attorney contacts if you want a freebie. If you genuinely can't afford legal services, then you either have to take what you can get (which may be a new attorney who is learning your area), go to a volunteer organization or do it yourself. Long time vets can offer to work with you or do a freebie but if you walk in asking them for one, they will get offended.

Attorneys & anyone with a high level skill aren't minimum wage workers. They are not slinging burgers or doing simple tasks a child could do. They are using professional expertise, likely acquired through tons of student loan debt & may have to pay a fortune to keep licenses. If you wouldn't pay your doctor the same rate you'd pay a Wal-Mart cashier, then you'd better not be doing that to a lawyer. I don't care how much you hate lawyers.

My Love/Hate Relationship With The Legal Field

I feel that way about a lot of it. One of NYCLA's committees and the Cardozo School of Law Indie Film Clinic folk are shining examples.

There are things I like about NYCLA:

1. Cheaper CLE courses
2. Cheaper membership fees & more flexible terms for the unemployed
3. More dedication to get with modern times & actually use technology instead of just hopping on the bandwagon
4. Some great staff, including Stewart Aaron, who I know through the City Bar Entertainment Committee. He even contributed to my company's latest attempt at crowd funding though the campaign ultimately failed. In short, he rocks!
5. Perhaps a bit more accessibility to higher ups than to people at City Bar
6. I've been told this one is also more progressive in ideas & open to new things than City Bar; I see some of that

Here's what I really don't like: the total lack of respect. I found out that NYCLA's Art Committee is seeking entries for the 2nd Annual Film Festival. I submitted some films last year; 2 were shown & 1 was told her film would be shown in the spring (because last year, the festival was in the Fall).

My friend whose film was supposed to be shown in the Spring never heard a word from them again. I even asked today to make sure; never heard a damn thing.

While there was a whole article in there lauding one particular film I don't recall seeing as part of this series, there was no mention of any plans to screen her film & it did have a legal theme. To my knowledge, no one even told her they'd changed their minds.

This just pisses me off since first off, it comes on top of having to complain when I was not given credit for submitting the initial short film that came in (whose application I personally sent in for the filmmaker I nominated). My company got a decent welcome & treatment when we came in the next month but I have to wonder if it's because I threatened to pull us out of there after not getting recognized for nominating the first film that I got into the series.

The total snubbing of my friend really makes me look back & wonder about that.

Second, it's disrespect to me. I'm putting my neck out there & vouching for this organization to MY contacts, who don't know this place from anywhere else. Many of my contacts have things you're never going to see in some mainstream theater. They have art & I don't vouch for folk who don't have talent or a product I like.

As for more disrespect to me, I was told that the Indie Film Clinic at Cardozo would be considering attorneys to volunteer there this past fall.

Okay, first off I've been in the indie film game for 4 years at my own company!! I've been doing things that most attorneys don't get to do & I'm perceived in a way they aren't: I'm not just some lawyer in a suit (good luck finding one that doesn't look frumpy on me). I'm a creative person MYSELF & have cred for it--I never even had to ask anyone to see my creative works. I actually know how to talk to creative types & make things clear without the legalese or elitist attitude.

I'm actually IN that world! I'm not some outsider looking in. I know the fucking culture, something I really don't see the average law firm attorney having! Most of you aren't going to have executive knowledge.

As I know law schools are obsessed with GPA, law review participation & where you went to law school (despite the head of this clinic saying they would look at one's practical experience in selection choices), it seems to me that you're not going to get effective help here if you're an indie filmmaker.

I've never recommended it to anyone & I still won't. Indie filmmaking continues to change & what worked 10 years ago doesn't necessarily work today (this was even stated by the presenter at my Aspiring Filmmakers' Bootcamp, himself a well known indie filmmaker). Unless you're a lawyer who actually has some creative cache in the business (prior or current experience in an entertainment role, close friends within it, etc.), you don't know shit about getting that client trust & respect. Hollywood is also very different from the indie world. I don't know of many attorneys in law firms who'd bother to research the indie film culture & I don't mean "indie" like the movie aired on IFC. I'm speaking of true, underground indie that most people don't know about & you have to actually FIND to know about.

Who else finds something wrong with an indie film clinic where an attorney that actually WORKS in the indie film industry as executive + lawyer is not being contacted to get involved? That elitist BS doesn't fly in my world. No one cares about your Harvard law degree & if you bring it up, you'll be announcing yourself as a privileged douchebag who can't help the average indie filmmaker. No one's cared about where I went to law school & used it as a basis for my worth as a person like attorneys will do to others.

Hearing about these examples, you can see where my loyalties lie & why they lie where they do. I'm all about my creative/entertainment people, at least the ones who aren't jerks to me or completely unprofessional. Seems that's a much smaller number than the amount of attorneys who have disrespected me.

My involving legal stuff in anything is usually out of the desire to help my entertainment people, not legal organizations (individual attorneys are a different story since I never refer people I despise). While I think the President of NYCLA is awesome & would say the same about some people within that association, I don't really want to join the LinkedIn groups or follow them on Facebook or anything. To me, that sort of thing feels like a public validation of "you're cool." I just can't do that, especially with this disregard to my friend & to me. I can't do it for City Bar either.

I think the concept of an indie film legal clinic is a good one but that clinic should be headed by attorneys with actual entertainment industry experience who know that personality (including motivation) & experience trumps law school BS that only means something to clueless morons who deserve the incompetence they get from hiring based on such standards (I'm talking to you, BigLaw). Academics & BigLaw refugees who don't have entertainment experience should stay out of leadership roles unless they can drop the snottiness & elitism of those worlds + learn the indie culture. That's the only way such a clinic stands a chance of being effective & encouraging the desired clientele to show up.

Crap like this fuels me to surpass them professionally & personally. One day, these assholes will be clamoring to talk to me & I will have only two words to say. You can guess what they are.

$75 for Legal Services?!?!?! What Drugs Are You Taking?

There are some very good reasons to hate lawyers. I don't like the ones who try to take over my work when I ask a simple question or who tell people to never have any dreams while complaining about how much they hate their lives. I also hate the arrogant jerks & those are in bountiful supply in the legal field. Thankfully, that's not every single attorney or I'd never do squat for the field.

I saw this ad yesterday on Craig's List and it epitomizes exactly why many attorneys hate particular clients or won't offer freebies:

Need an Attorney Writer - REVISED (New York City)

Date: 2011-08-10, 10:08AM EDT
Reply to: gigs-jfjpq-2539432954@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


I need a licensed new york lawyer to register a corporation for me and prepare all the paperwork and serve as a registered agent of process. The lawyer must a PO BOX or physical address to receive processes if there are ever any. Newly licensed attorneys and senior lawyers welcome to apply. We are a small start up hence budget our current budget is limited. But there will be prospects of future business. $75 is intended for attorney fees only I will pay all the filling fees to the govt seperately

Location: New York City
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $75 for attorney fees

PostingID: 2539432954

This was just so appalling, I had to respond. Here's what I wrote:

Legal Zoom charges more than the $75 you propose to pay to an attorney for that kind of work. In fact, I know attorneys charge on average over $300 for this. $75 is a low hourly rate for even a BRAND NEW attorney (as in just got admitted to the bar yesterday). I've written business letters of 2-3 pages for $250.

Stop insulting attorneys with your pitiful $75 for hours & hours of work! It costs more than that to pay for ONE attorney CLE class (CLE classes are required in the state of NY for an attorney to keep a NY license) & on average, lawyers have to undertake hundreds of THOUSANDS of DOLLARS of NON-DISCHARGEABLE loan debt just to get licensed.

You'd be wise to remember the saying "you get what you pay for."

Signed, a licensed NY attorney who wouldn't set up a relative's corporation for $75

The subject heading was "What You NEED is a Clue." By the way, completely true that Legal Zoom would charge more than $75 to do this sort of thing in NY.

I have no idea who some of the people who post ads on Craig's List think they are. Does this person honestly think any attorney worth their salt would take this? And with that kind of regard for legal services, do you really think an attorney is going to give a damn about you or go above & beyond?

Shit like this is why I no longer go above & beyond unless I know the client will appreciate it & won't even consider representing anyone who can't be vetted in some way by someone I know. You bet I wouldn't set up a relative's corporation for $75, especially with the headache relatives will give you in general.

If you want a volunteer lawyer, try going through a legal clinic or volunteer group. Lawyers will happily volunteer time there. Case in point: I'm doing this in a couple months for a cause & demographic I care about + have some knowledge on. Doing that benefits lawyers since they get cache in their circle, are eligible for CLE credit & will not have to pay out of pocket for anything more than transportation. They don't have to get malpractice insurance, set up an office, pay for a PO Box or incur the kinds of costs this simpleton & his/her ilk want to impose on lawyers.

The amount doesn't bother me nearly as much as the total lack of respect for what lawyers have to go through & the realities of working in the field. Low amounts like this say to attorneys "I have no respect for your trade or expertise. I don't respect you as a professional either."

Hating attorneys because they do not want to be low-balled or perform freebies on command is not justified. These people should make these requests to their friends & inner circle instead of posting them as ads on Craig's List. I've said as much to posters asking for egregious and appalling things, oftentimes things I'd expect from a networking group of peers where the affiliation is based on trust, an interest in helping others & so forth.

If you don't want ridicule, save these kinds of favors for your personal contacts & don't waste the time of people seeking legitimate PAYING employment.

One more thing. If you want me to send you personal information, you'll have to identify yourself first. There are too many scam artists and people trying to use lawyers to perpetuate illegal activity (read some of my prior entries). There are even bored, unemployed lawyers wasting good money to post ridiculous job ads, collect resumes & ridicule responders to the stupid ad. Such an incident was documented in "Above the Law" (some legal tabloid blog a bunch of big shot lawyers read, for those who don't know or like me, could really care less about).

Maybe they ought to be working as sociologists or psychologists instead since they could classify that as legitimate research vs. time wasting BS that diminishes attorneys & Craig's List even further (if you can believe that's possible). Perhaps they could get grants to fund that research so they'd end up coming out better than just throwing money away on stupidity.

Until you get on board to wipe out law school loan debt or change the bankruptcy law so we're not all living with a six-figure burden until we're all dead, don't whine to me about how you can't get a lawyer to do hours of legal work for $75.

Why Not Working for the Man Kicks Serious Butt

Reading blogs like Evil HR Lady really make me appreciate the fact that I don't have a full time corporate job. So do articles like this one.

Personally, my feeling is that if you want me to do extra work & aren't:

A) Paying me extra money
B) Giving me overtime; or
C) Giving me some other incentive like more vacation time, business equipment, or something else to motivate me

then...you can go pound sand & I'll tell you as much. I refuse to go making a boss look good (#5) if that boss is a sociopathic cretin who isn't going to recognize me or follow quid pro quo. Nor would a lawyer last long anywhere outside a law firm by never delivering bad news or playing devil's advocate (#4). Heck, I feel it's a lawyer's duty not to be a "yes" person. Lawyers should be speaking up if a course of action is going to be bad for the business or lead to a multi-million dollar lawsuit it will likely lose.

#17 is also something I'd never do for a sociopathic cretin; furthermore, you have to have limits or you could end up doing janitorial work or other tasks that are a complete waste of your time in light of your skills. It's just foolhardy to expect a lawyer to clean toilets, you know? Finally, lawyers had damn well better not follow #13 if the boss is breaking the law. Keeping silent on certain things like investor fraud makes you a complicit party or at least like you're giving tacit approval & could get you in trouble with the state grievance committee.

Maybe my experiences have been unusual but I do think they prove you can't be a "good employee" at the expense of your ethical duties or your ability to keep a law license. Clearly, the rules are different for in-house lawyers & after you've had experiences where you had to fight to get your paycheck, you tend to be far less altruistic or sympathetic to an employer.

I recently discovered one plus to being a freelancer: you literally can't bitch about paying taxes to Uncle Sam since he didn't already take taxes from your pay like he did for the employees of the world. Plus, there's the added bonus of not having to worry about the government being too broke to give you a refund. You have that money right there if you set aside too much.

I also saw this article today & I realized why I'm better off doing what I'm doing. Much of this sums up my feelings on typical employers. If it's not a smaller company or someplace that doesn't expect me to give up everything for it, I'm just not going to be happy. Not getting to talk to the CEO or significant higher ups is also a huge problem for my working with anyone.

Finally, it's great to work for yourself because you will never have to write a "mission statement" for any prospective employer. Just today, I saw a Craig's List ad seeking interns & stating that "interns who do not submit a mission statement will not receive a response."

It got me thinking: what would my mission statement be? Kicking ass & taking names? Actually, that should be the mission statement for any attorney, effective government official or Mafia employee.

Seriously, though why does an INTERN need a mission statement? Are you a non-profit organization? A for-profit organization? Or are you a human being? Human beings have goals & aspirations, not mission statements.

Furthermore, if you're a recent college graduate or college student, how would you know what your mission statement is? You wouldn't even have much of a clue on what you wanted to do yet. When I'd graduated college, all I'd done was retail, telephone interviewing, babysitting, research at a presidential library, pet-sitting & helping give out food samples. I was someone who'd had some work experience; imagine people who never worked in high school or college. There are some people who get out of law school never having worked a job in their lives. Do you think they'd have a clue what their "mission statement" is? I didn't get out of college thinking I'd be doing what I do now.

There are older people who still don't know what they want to do. Some of them are living off their parents. Others just fell into jobs that they violently hate. I'll take limited income over being in a job I violently hate, thank you.

I think you have to have done some stuff in life & know more about the real world before you can even contemplate a true mission statement. That is, if you don't find it impersonal to even have one to start with. Do you write that on a resume? Get it tattooed somewhere on your body? It's the first time I've ever seen that as an application requirement.

Mine, if you really want to know is "kicking ass & taking names" or if you like my husband's idea, it's "mating with your men & destroying your society from the inside." If you're dumb enough to ask me for one, I'll have to put it on a resume so you can be all offended by the use of the word "ass."

Life lesson: ask for something asinine, expect to be offended.

More Reasons to Keep Me Out of the Mainstream Corporate World--My Hair

I saw this article on MSN today called "10 Ways to Be Taken Seriously at Work." Read it for yourself here.

One of these tips is for women w/long hair to pull it up or putting it up.

You know how I look w/my hair put up in a business suit? If I put it in a ponytail, I look like I'm going jogging or to a gym to work out. Headband or clip? My hair's too long for most of them & it doesn't make me look any older. Elaborate updo? I'm white so I can't do that unless I'm going to a formal event & wear it differently the next day. If you don't, you hear rumblings about how you didn't wash your hair. This is where black women have an advantage; my black friends in high school could do that & no one gave them grief. Plus, I don't have the $ for weekly salon visits or a trusted, local salon that won't charge too much or screw up my hair.

Cutting my hair isn't a solution since A) my spouse would kill me as well as anyone working w/me creatively since my long hair is part of my creative persona & B) I'd just look like Molly Ringwald in some '80's movie. I had collar length hair before & I didn't look any older; I just had shorter hair.

Glasses don't even make me look older: they just make me look my nerdy cousin or maybe like I'm trying to imitate Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink.

I also refuse to give myself premature baldness by pulling my hair in a ponytail all the time for the Man. Screw him!! This is very true; read about it.

Another tip might as well be called "Be a robot." Good news for me, then. Having a personality is essential in the creative field. All things being equal, I think most people would get rid of a drudge before someone who makes them laugh or feel better about life. Any business owner dealing with clients might wish to have the person who can bring levity to the proceedings & passion as opposed to some button pushing robot. How many stories do you hear about someone in a job who's personable & able to generate more business b/c of it?

Finally, I also believe that none of these writers have ever worked for the government in any capacity or in a union job. Their last little gem of knowledge is completely worthless in the experience of one person I know (Going the extra mile). You don't get praise or recognition for such things in that atmosphere so why the hell do it?

Yes, I admit that I'm very much self-interested & feel any employer will need to impress ME first but based on my personal experiences + stories I hear from others about how going the extra mile only led to ridicule from co-workers & not so much as a simple "thank you" from the higher-ups, I stand by my views. You have to look out for yourself & that means not allowing others to disrespect you. Save those efforts for people who appreciate them, not the clods who could care less.

Other evidence none of these people ever worked for the government? This gem!

There's nothing to do but complain when no one will change anything that's a problem for you & you're being discriminated against in moving upward in my spouse's situation. It's get out or put up with it. Plus, it ignores what happens when the management is nothing but self-interested, greedy assholes who blame unions for workers getting laid off & attempt to blacklist people who aren't butt-kissing cheerleaders. No real solution there unless you know a professional hypnotist who can make someone act like a human being.

Doing a job badly: goes back to the whole "lack of morale/appreciation/respect point." Obviously, this author never had a job like the one in "Office Space" or with any local government.

Avoiding company functions: see a pattern? Unless you can tell the heads of particular departments where to go (and my husband + his co-workers have been warned that I will freely tell these higher-ups some choice things if I ever see them so unless they want me to do that, they'll prevent it from happening), no point. They listen to no one & being another fawning angel is a waste of time. Quite frankly, from what I hear about the HR folks at my spouse's job, I wouldn't trust them to manage a child's lemonade stand.

You're also not making friends when you exclude spouses from things. People's spouses are important to them & if you truly gave a damn about your workers, you'd be wanting to meet and talk to them. They can be great advocates & might encourage someone to do better. How many powerful politicians had spouses who helped them along the way?? I wouldn't want to go anyplace where my spouse was seen as an interloper or unwelcome in anyway. Trashing him is trashing me & vice versa.

So I think there should be some new advocates on things & the old guard in some places needs to pack it up. If someone would invite me someplace where they intended to tell off a truly horrible CEO or management person, I'd love to watch. Please???

I Hope You're Sticking Around...

Just trying to adjust to having a full time day job again. Of course, the real test comes in when I get paid. I'm not about to have a repeat performance of the scam artistry of last November. I won't be working unpaid for 3 months this time.

Realized that I have some links I really should go & comment on:

* Legalities aside, I & every sane person in this country have been wanting this to happen for years. It's time to start following the example of other countries & treating citizenship with the importance that it deserves instead of letting illegals cash in on everything.


* A few comments on this:

First off, honesty is a total misnomer in a job interview. It IS, seriously. You walk in there wearing clothes you don't normally wear, rehearsing your answers ahead of time & telling an employer precisely what they want to hear. Personal style & creativity is generally frowned upon as is not being a robot. A smart interviewer knows that there is a degree of dishonesty in any job interview. I would even go so far as to say that a job interview is the ultimate act of dishonesty, especially when competition for a job is fierce & lots of people are desperate.

Second, I'm glad that some of my methods are things that one should do such as dealing w/overqualification right away. Thankfully, my current position didn't come w/that problem. I'm still learning but at least it's in the title of attorney.

Also glad to see that this person despises the practice of not doing a follow-up after giving someone an interview. I hate that & it's a true pet peeve of mine.

Third, employers should also not rely on candidates filling a position. They may have other interviews & get better offers or people who are more proactive than Potential Employer #1.

A few more comments: checking references off list could lead to potential lawsuits. What if someone said "do not contact X person?" There could be defamation issues so we might want to tread carefully there.

We're also not addressing the catch-22 of "no experience w/out a job; no job w/out experience." You can't volunteer everywhere & for every single field. It's actually a terrible idea to volunteer at a library in order to work as a librarian; my husband found out that it will harm you if you pursue that area.

Also not smart to do it as a lawyer unless you're in law school; if you've graduated, you should already have gotten internships or done something in the legal industry to learn how to practice law. Otherwise, you end up stuck as a permanent volunteer/unpaid worker & never get the respect from anyone to move forward. You end up devaluing your own skills & no one takes you seriously if you're doing it years after getting admitted. I've seen many lawyers not take up & comers seriously but simply exploit them for free labor.

For the record, legal aid & other similar groups have requirements for volunteers; I know Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts requires 7 years of legal experience before you can work w/them. Now my situation has not been on a volunteer basis but is a result of how the entertainment industry works.

Oh, and personality not fitting the corporate culture: what if someone's personality is repugnant to everyone? What if you're in an occupation where you're supposed to be less than happy flowers & sunshine to people, where in fact such behavior would cause those you had to get things from to brush you aside? Somewhere, I'm sure there are people whose personalities & general inner being are offensive to everyone in the room; what then?

Finally, be honest but don't talk about a bad boss? Hmmm.... can we say "be a liar?" I don't think that when your former position was a scam enterprise that you help yourself by defending the scam, especially when you have ethical duties to the general public under a professional license. I also think you have a right to talk about the lack of advancement opportunities if people who don't even interact w/you on a frequent basis are the ones making the decisions while ignoring anyone who does spend time w/you (including your immediate boss) & says you deserve to move upward.

Honestly, I think I did much better in interviews when I wasn't worried about making someone like me & simply approached it like a business transaction.

Two big problems w/this one:

First, if I were still dating I prefer not wasting my time w/an animal hater or a two bit scumbag who's just like an ex. I had no qualms talking about pets or exes & used such conversation to determine whether I needed to bother getting to know this person any further. One doesn't need to be the crazy cat lady or mega-obsessed on something but I certainly think it's pertinent to share stories on these topics to implicitly tell someone just what will happen if THEY try doing to me what X in the story did.

Second, you can use that stuff for bonding. My husband & I bonded over bad ex stories. It became a question of whose exes are worse. We declared it a tie.

Oh, and readers? If you try to seek me out aside from this blog, know that I am a very suspicious & paranoid person. Life & general reality has made me this way.

If you have a complaint about that, then take it up w/all the people who have wronged me in some way. Ask nicely & I'll give you a list.

Telling Off People Who Rejected You For A Job Is Fun!!!

Really, it is. A gentle reminder that you are in fact a human being & that you have the memory of an elephant is loads of fun. You can only really do it if the job you applied for has zero to do with what you actually want to do.

I did this with 2 interviews I had recently: one was for this legal staffing agency where I happened to discover more ads posted for the very job I'd applied for and the other was for a writing internship with a company that claimed it would notify me last week.

With the first, I merely wrote an e-mail saying how much I appreciated their professionalism & that it was interesting to see a business that had zero regard for the fact that human beings apply for jobs + the implication that entertainment people remember each & every slight for the future. It was written saccharine but if you have a brain, you could probably detect the sarcasm & nastiness peeking out.

The second was handled differently. I got a phone call back from my inquiry but not from the actual interviewer. I pointed out that I'm well aware of how many companies avoid talking to applicants they've rejected, hoping they'll just go away. I also mentioned that I do, in fact, work in business and know people. Same implication. I said they may want to keep that in mind when dealing w/me though I appreciated having my phone call returned.

You may be thinking "Won't engaging in the snark mess you up?" Nope, I don't think so. If anything, these people need to worry far more about not getting on my bad side since I'm a force of nature who'll get what she wants (if my track record is any indication).

I'm also well aware of the fact that I'm going to have a lot of people trying to buddy up to me sooner or later; I relish the day I get to throw stuff like that in their face & tell them to piss off. You'd better believe I'd do it. I already have it planned for people who were assholes to me & never apologized as well as those who simply snubbed me; they can burn in Hell for all I care.

Don't dare ask me about entertainment stuff or to get you an autograph after you didn't bother to tell me yourself that you've refused to hire me for a job. You'll be told to go fuck yourself if I'm having a particularly good day; you don't want to know what will happen if you ask on a bad day.

I also have no care in the world for people who want to behave unprofessionally. In fact, lack of professionalism is a good way to have me avoid dealing with you. By professionalism, I don't mean a fancy office or attire. I mean basic common courtesy like returning phone calls and treating people with basic respect.

Telling people off on that stuff is SOOOO much fun. It makes not getting a job that much better if you remind people that regardless of what you do now, you may eventually be interviewing THEM for a job or they might have to come to YOU for something. Simple truths like that are why smart industry people don't go around being nasty to interns or the receptionist.

It will bite you in the ass & has happened to many people plenty of times. Yes, I admit I couldn't be a server since I would alter the food of assholes.

Enough!!!

I love the sense of freedom you get when you're working in an abusive job environment & you say "Enough! This is going too far & I'm out the door."

The only difference between me & many other people is that I actually have walked out of jobs where the work place environment was abusive or protocol wasn't respected. I've only done it twice but I did give one Regional Manager an earful in college when I was treated unfairly.

First time I walked away: a document review assignment in New Jersey. I was there about 10 days. The first sign of trouble was being moved from a room in a separate area to this law library.

The second problem was when the supervisors took a vote about whether to open window blinds, everyone voted "yes" & one of the supervisors who should have been working as a high school Vice Principal decides to close them.

The third was when I was told we could not speak to our co-workers yet some man a few rows away was chatting so loudly on a cell phone, I could hear him clear as a bell. NOT ONE supervisor OR librarian tells this man to lower his voice.

The fourth was when the supervisors set up an "Internet cafe" in the workspace so people can check their personal things with supervisors watching them; that's a no-no w/my business e-mail.

The fifth was when we had nothing to do & supervisors were trying to give people busy work despite the common rule/custom that when there was nothing to do, your time was yours as long as you stayed in the building. I went down to the break room a few floors down to chat w/people to avoid this nonsense.

The straw that broke the cammel's back was when I returned to the break room & supervisors claimed that someone's food had been taken from their sitting place. These people had the gall to threaten to ban our access to the break room.

I decided then & there it was time to hit the road. I made up something about having a film company emergency, signed out, gathered my things, left the building, called the temp agency & called the CEO of the film company. He sided w/me on leaving & we're a functional family at the film company so no worries about him trying to make me do something I didn't want to do. Even my own husband, who was concerned about our finances sided with me on walking out of this micromanaging, Wal-Mart pit.

I'd hoped others would gain courage from me walking out the door but they stayed like drones & I never heard from them again.

I remember that when I got back into NYC, I decided to walk around for a while. Take it easy since I had all this free time. I felt like Peter Gibbons in "Office Space" after he sees the hypnotist & no longer gives a crap about if he's going to get fired. I LOVE that feeling; it's informed much of what I do & how I function in life.

So today, I did my second walk off from a job. Only this time it may not be a permanent walk off but more like working in a location where I'm more comfortable.

To make a long story short, if you hire a lawyer to work in an entertainment company & write contracts/perform services that lawyers tend to handle then do not think for one minute that lawyer's going to listen to some "Office Manager." Especially if that lawyer has her own company & was placed in charge of her own office building akin to the position of the CEO. Don't let this Office Manager think she can treat her like an underling & expect that lawyer to return. That lawyer will tell you just where to go. This lawyer especially.

If I wanted to put up with abuse or nonsense, I can just go be a hooker or stripper. I'd make a HELL of a lot more money & put up with plenty of abuse, hassle, nonsense, etc.

A Church as a Nightclub??

I just found this provocative.

How do I feel about this?? Good question. My mother was one of the people I knew who suggested meeting men in church.

To be honest, that idea always made me feel sleazy. First off, aren't you supposed to be going to church for the service & because you believe in that church's platform/teachings/philosophies? Second, if I'm using church to troll for men, how far should I go?? Should I just walk in wearing a short dress with stilettos & tons of cleavage? Do I just start looking at men's butts or trying to get an idea of dick length while I'm sitting in a church? Should I start chatting w/other women my age in the church to get an idea of the eligible men?

Come to think of it, what if that church's dating pool is like a soap opera? If everyone's got a history with someone, I know I'd want no part of it. That's a big reason I never dated anyone I went to school with--I didn't care to have everyone there know what my private parts look like or how good I am in bed. If they had, I'd have never gotten any homework done & eventually flunked out. My dating life was crazy enough without anyone knowing that kind of thing about me.

Finally, I just think it's like having sex on someone's headstone: it's disrespectful. I don't see getting horny in a church or forging a real connection with a guy you meet there. Not to mention there are plenty of scummy men who attend church; plenty of pedophiles & serial killers have been active church members, you know?

I like the idea of having a non-religious nightclub in a church w/no conversion attempts. It probably helps that church get credibility and membership from people who'd never attend otherwise. However, I wonder about the practicality of it all.

I know meeting guys in bars & clubs isn't all that great but I was WAY too shy to approach anyone. I also know I'd have been uncomfortable approaching anyone in a church; plus, with my luck the guy would be super-devout & simply not worth my time due to the obvious differences.

Call me shallow but I don't prescribe to the idea of being a virgin until you get married: look at "Sex & the City." Not to mention the simple fact that sex is an important part of marriage & you'd better know ahead of time whether you have anything in that department. I wouldn't even stay in a celibate marriage; thankfully, my husband feels the exact same way. How many problems have happened b/c of people denying their sexual urges or seeing sex as shameful? Not to mention how society makes fun of people who are still virgins at 25 & upwards. Plus, do you want your first sexual experience to be the result of a rape?

That's not to say I think 15 year olds should be having sex. You just need to be old enough & mature enough to accept the responsibility + consequences that go with it. If you can't raise a baby on your own or get birth control, you don't need to do it.

The basic thing I come down to on this issue is whether you can face yourself the next day if you decide to have sex. After all, it's your life & you have to live with your own life choices. If you can deal with that, then to hell with what anyone else has to say about you.

As my high school Chemistry teacher once said, have meaningful experiences when you're young so when you're 60, you won't look back & wish you'd done more with your life.