You're getting an extra entry at both fan behest & because I was downloading Prince songs. I also planned to go into the office today but worked at home b/c I didn't want to risk being struck by lightening on my walk to the subway as I walked under the trees on our sidewalk.
As you read before, my husband foisted 50 Shades of Grey upon me. I still stand by my statement that it's totally porno & that is the only reason it's on the NY Times Best Seller List. The porn aspect has also been the consensus among everyone I know who's read it. Furthermore, you're not reading it for the author's writing skills. I've heard multiple people say the writing was excruciating or plodding in some fashion. I promised to write a rant topic on it after I read it; a little late but it felt fitting to write it now.
I do give the author credit for a realistic ending for the first book. If it stopped there, my inner feminist would be happy since I like realism in my media. However, it doesn't. I, however, do since I know I'd be disappointed in the lead female character for going back to that situation. It also has some very negative commentary & I'd hate to think men believe all women are that way. Let me tell you right now, we aren't.
One thing that really pissed me off was the covering up of terms. I hear that in urban fiction, you will see the word "dick" to refer to the guy's private parts. However, if it's a white romance author you see things like "manhood" or "he inserted himself." In this book, "vagina" isn't used but "me" or "my sex" is.
Why are white people so damn bashful about sex (at least Americans or those from a puritanical culture like this British author; I'm sure the French are just fine with it)? I sure as hell can't write it credibly but maybe I've done too much of it & have the added baggage of my religion infused childhood blocking me. Any sex scene I ventured to write would have comedic elements, probably because some of my actual experiences did have comedy in them. I know my artistic limits & I'm pretty sure that's one of them.
Listen, sister: if you want to write a porn tome, don't be bashful. Be direct, damn it! Spell it out. You have adult readers. We aren't stupid. If you're going to be that graphic anyway, why censor that for us? Playboy's sex stories sure don't play that censorship. They spell it right out for you. None of their authors are bashful about it. They put it right in your face 100% & I'm sure make no apologies for it.
If you're going to "go there," why not take us all the way. There are Prince songs more graphic than this book. Seriously, though I would still pay money to go to a Prince soundtrack wedding (circa early career to mid-90s songs).
I was also looking for anal in it only to find none since that was mentioned in the book as something this guy liked to do. With all the buildup, you expected it to happen & it didn't.
One other thing: with the book written from the virgin female character's perspective (whose name also sounds like she just stepped off a porn set according to hubby), I totally understand how Psycho Boy lost his mind after we gave our virginity to each other. I did not lose my damn mind after I first had sex; I did not have illusions of turning some guy into a "flowers & hearts kind of guy" like this character does. She reminded me of Psycho Boy in his attempt to change me into a "flowers & hearts" kind of gal who'd go run off with him into the sunset. Getting that insight was interesting & I finally understood it more when my family claimed I ruined this guy. Sure, I was like "this is great" when I first did it but I had better later on (much, MUCH better in fact) & it was a lot about rebellion from the strict upbringing I had along with having a means to do it without having anyone I had to go to class with or deal with regularly finding out information I didn't want them to know. Man, if they knew some of that stuff I'd have never had any peace or quiet & would likely have been disappointed with lack of skills. You have to work to impress redheads. Case in point: Vampire Boy had far more sexual experience than me when I met him (he was my 3rd; I was his 10th) & he actually told me I was the best he'd ever had in that realm.
Personally, I don't think I ruined Psycho Boy even to this day considering I was prepared & deliberate in my choice to lose my virginity. If he wasn't, he shouldn't have lied to me about being mature enough to handle it. Not all women are trying to make a man into a "flowers & hearts kind of guy." We can be just as cold and unfeeling as any guy. Nor did I do anything I knew I'd regret later on.
Oh, and the money thing. I should mention the male lead in this book is a guy with tons of money & that's presented as part of this woman's attraction to him. Unlike many people, that shit doesn't impress me; it's more likely to piss me off. I remember dating my husband & saying that if he'd come from money, we wouldn't be together. In my view, the money thing goes to class & how you grew up. A person who grew up having to work for things due to lack of money has a very different mentality and mindset from someone who didn't (unless maybe that person wasn't coddled by their parents & there was no perk to having $ that factored into their upbringing like no bailouts or paying for college). I don't care how nice or compassionate you are about it; people from 2 different worlds on that end are never going to truly understand each other in a romantic context. It's just so much a part of who you are & how you handle situations as an adult that I don't think you can really understand it if you haven't lived it. I knew a rich guy would never be able to fully understand me & probably couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't going to be bought or take shit from him b/c of his net worth.
Not being able to fully understand someone means, in my book, that you can never truly love that person for himself/herself. Then if you can't love that person fully, how can you possibly have a future together? As my mind ran & still does, you can't! You just can't. It's the same thing with differences in education.
My own academic prowess & background is something so integral to who I am and what I believe in that if you weren't as educated or had that drive to get an education, you'd never fully get me. My own mother warned me about that when I was dating Psycho Boy & I feel that relationship proved that point.
That's not to say you couldn't be friends with people from different socioeconomic backgrounds. I have some myself; you just sort of have an unspoken agreement that you don't say or do certain things since you know it would be hitting below the belt.
Now to get sleep. Remember, if you're going to write graphic sex scenes go big or go home (as the saying goes)!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Political Contributions: A Nice Gesture or Payola?
My general take on politics is no big secret if you actually read this blog. If you haven't, my basic attitude is that it's all bullshit & even if I were in charge, there would still be corruption and garbage going on. I also had some rather intimate experiences in the world of politics and despite being told I ought to run for office, I think I'm just too ethical myself for the task. You know people would bitch & moan about me being A) childfree, B) not being some devout God bothering asshole & C) the owner of an independent mind with my own point of view.
One of those experiences dealing with the intimacy of politics is a judicial campaign. A judge I do not know personally, who has taken zero personal interest in my life either got or decided to add my private e-mail address to her campaign mailing list (likely because of being on the same bar association committee as me). The very first event I got invited to as part of this campaign was for a meet & greet where the "suggested contribution" was $1,000.
Now, I have no general problem with people doing fundraising. Indie film people have to do fundraising all the time, either through getting investors or launching campaigns on Kickstarter or IndieGoGo. They give you different incentives depending on what you can contribute. Generally, the discussion in those fundraising efforts is "give if you can & if you choose to do so, give what you can." They don't take on the attitude that you are worthless if you can't give a "suggested donation/contribution."
Friends of mine are also in local political office or ran for it. I remember them mentioning their campaigns on Facebook. One even ran for NC State Senate. They managed to incorporate news of their campaigns and ask for money without being irritating about it. They also told you what they'd done specifically and where they stood on specific issues to convince one to donate to their campaigns.
So, I'm aware that politicians have to get money from somewhere since the government refuses to enact any true campaign finance reform and make it fair for all people to run for office in a viable manner, not just those born to money. Yep, I think Citizens United is a stupid precedent & should be tossed post haste though I actually studied it in my Supreme Court Symposium class and have more understanding of it than your average person.
However, I think some distinctions on this are in order:
1. None of my friends who had campaigns e-mailed me about it. We're talking about my friends. This was a total stranger who sent me an e-mail about the event.
Announcing a campaign on your Facebook page is not the same as sending me a direct e-mail on it.
2. My friends didn't have "suggested contributions" and if they had, I guarantee it wouldn't have been $1,000. Everyone I've told about this suggestion (including someone who works in government) thought it was tacky, distasteful and unreasonable.
You should know that I wouldn't give $1,000 to anyone without justification, not even a family member & probably not even if $1,000 became like $10 to me. I have also never made a political contribution to anyone & if you want one, you'd better really wow me + take an interest in my life, events, etc. If I feel you're just patronizing me & don't really care about my concerns, I'm not going to bother.
3. I know my friends would actually listen to what I have to say without me giving them a dime for political campaigns. They would actually take me seriously if I made a point & give me credit for it. This judge didn't give me that sense based on all this lack of personal e-mails and conversations with campaign reps.
Telling me that my voice means nothing to you unless I give you money sounds an awful lot like payola to me. Remember payola? It was when radio stations were paid to play songs by particular artists, translating into those songs becoming popular, going up the charts, etc. It was a huge scandal.
Now, that's not to say it doesn't happen today (I really have no personal knowledge of if it does or doesn't) but we're talking about public servants here. You know, people who are supposed to be serving EVERYBODY regardless of their campaign contribution to the election or how much money they have.
Radio station owners, at least, are not under public duties to serve people. They have no high moral ideals they're supposed to be meeting in playing or not playing a particular songs. Politicians and other elected officials are a different story. They're supposed to be held to much higher standards.
If they aren't, why does anyone give a damn if a politician cheats on his wife, propositions little boys or goes to a hooker? If we're allowing payola here, shouldn't we just admit that politicians aren't held to any standards of decency or public conduct? I don't consider being forced to purchase equal rights or rational thought from someone a decent act. I'd rather be represented by the adulterer or patron of hookers.
Even the pedophile would be better than the "buy my advocacy" candidate & I think pedophiles deserve what they get in public outrage & vigilante justice.
In response to this suggestion, I wrote back telling this person they were barking up the wrong tree considering what I & my husband do for a living. I also explained that I would likely never appear before this judge & without knowing anything about this person, I'm not handing over a dime much less an amount that would impose a hardship on my household.
A rep from the campaign then contacted me and said she'd send me info on more affordable events (this meaning the minimum contribution was $100, which is still excessive to me). I then get an e-mail recently on events (including one the same day that I saw after getting home from work). The only event that worked with my schedule was the make-up of the $1,000 contribution one. It turns out someone I knew was a host at the event so I asked her about this contribution thing, making the same points I'd made before on cost & the fact that my husband gets a say in such things as well so no way am I paying a dime without an opportunity to meet the person myself and form my own opinions.
I heard nothing back so I decided it was not worth me taking off work early to attend.
So, basically I have a real problem with the idea that my voice is only worth whatever extortion money you collect from me. I'm not going to vote for someone who expects me to hand them money to do a damn thing to benefit me. What the hell is the point? Hence, my extreme cynicism over politics.
I'll tell you right now that my company has never treated fans who didn't give to a campaign or who had less money like garbage while reserving the good treatment for investors. I wouldn't let them, either. That's classism at its core & acting that way proves to me you have zero class. Funny, I'm not even running for public office & I conduct myself that way. Why can't this person or other politicians?
What really irks me is groups like Move On or People for the American Way. I'll sign some of their petitions (if I agree with the issue) but I took my e-mail off PFAW's list after this insulting e-mail I got (complete with tons of links):
"Dear M,
It appears that the most unlikely name of all may now be supporting Mitt Romney for president:
M T (the name I used on these sites)
Please give me a moment to explain.
Thanks to the Citizens United decision, corporations now have the same free speech rights as people when it comes to spending money on America's elections. Every time you pay your bills, buy gas, food, or any other everyday item, some of that money is going directly into Mitt Romney's campaign budget.
That is why it is so important that you renew your PFAW membership.
If PFAW loses someone as committed to the American Way as you are M -- to someone like Mitt Romney -- either directly or simply by your inaction ... our civil rights and liberties as Americans will be absolutely devastated.
Please become one of the 7,987 newly renewed members we need standing with us this election year against the Radical Right. You already know what Romney's extreme right agenda would include --
Advancing the War on Women -- defunding family planning, denying access to basic birth control, and criminalizing reproductive choices.
Packing the Supreme Court with justices like Robert Bork -- who Mitt Romney named to co-chair his presidential advisory committee on law, the Constitution and the judiciary.
Privatizing Social Security and devastating Medicaid.
Slashing federal safeguards for the environment, energy and education.
We need the renewed support of 7,987 members by October 2012, so please make an urgent renewal contribution today.
With just a few months left before Election Day, we can’t take ANY chances! Republican extremist and anti-Union Governor Scott Walker’s victory in Wisconsin showed the impact of the Right’s big (and early) money advantage. And that’s exactly why your renewed support is needed more than ever before!
We need to pull out all the stops to defeat Romney and his radical right agenda RIGHT NOW! There isn’t much time left! It is imperative that we -
* Organize progressive voters and get them to the polls on Election Day. Get-out-the-vote efforts were essential to our victories in 2006 and 2008, and will be again in 2012.
* Fight the outrageous lies being propagated by the Republicans and the Tea Partiers to build unfounded fear and resentment for President Obama and Democrats in Congress.
* Buy airtime and advertisements on television, radio and the internet. We also need funding for phone banking and mail efforts to reach voters directly.
* Put “boots-on-the-ground.” People For the American Way is placing staff members in key districts to best coordinate our forces.
All this takes resources -- which is why PFAW needs you to renew your 2012 support immediately. Because if the unthinkable happens, we will only have ourselves to blame for not doing even more to prevent it. Please renew today!
Sincerely,
Michael B. Keegan signature
Michael Keegan, President"
The subject was: M, thank you for your support of the Romney campaign
I took my name off their mailing list right away & wouldn't do crap for these people. Newsflash: when all your e-mails or even over 50% of them are "give me $," you're wasting your time & pissing me off. This pissed me off on a nuclear level. I felt it was inflammatory. Pissing me off isn't going to inspire me to help you; it will most likely inspire me to tell you to go fuck yourself.
When I don't know who the hell you are, you have made zero effort to listen to what I have to say & never bothered responding if I complain about something you are wasting your time. If I gave $ to everyone who asked, I'd be flat broke as most everyone else would be.
Accessibility is very important to me & I strongly believe that politicians for the most part are anything but (certainly most people running for office can be included here). When I'm only getting form letters from your office & you merely condescend to me, I'm not going to care about what you do & I will go out of my way NOT to do anything that might remotely benefit you.
Just so you know, I'm not some little peon you can spit on; I have a comparable education and experience to you so probably better for you not to fuck with me. 'Kay? (imagine the head turn of Dr. Hutchison from Rocko's Modern Life as you read this)
One of those experiences dealing with the intimacy of politics is a judicial campaign. A judge I do not know personally, who has taken zero personal interest in my life either got or decided to add my private e-mail address to her campaign mailing list (likely because of being on the same bar association committee as me). The very first event I got invited to as part of this campaign was for a meet & greet where the "suggested contribution" was $1,000.
Now, I have no general problem with people doing fundraising. Indie film people have to do fundraising all the time, either through getting investors or launching campaigns on Kickstarter or IndieGoGo. They give you different incentives depending on what you can contribute. Generally, the discussion in those fundraising efforts is "give if you can & if you choose to do so, give what you can." They don't take on the attitude that you are worthless if you can't give a "suggested donation/contribution."
Friends of mine are also in local political office or ran for it. I remember them mentioning their campaigns on Facebook. One even ran for NC State Senate. They managed to incorporate news of their campaigns and ask for money without being irritating about it. They also told you what they'd done specifically and where they stood on specific issues to convince one to donate to their campaigns.
So, I'm aware that politicians have to get money from somewhere since the government refuses to enact any true campaign finance reform and make it fair for all people to run for office in a viable manner, not just those born to money. Yep, I think Citizens United is a stupid precedent & should be tossed post haste though I actually studied it in my Supreme Court Symposium class and have more understanding of it than your average person.
However, I think some distinctions on this are in order:
1. None of my friends who had campaigns e-mailed me about it. We're talking about my friends. This was a total stranger who sent me an e-mail about the event.
Announcing a campaign on your Facebook page is not the same as sending me a direct e-mail on it.
2. My friends didn't have "suggested contributions" and if they had, I guarantee it wouldn't have been $1,000. Everyone I've told about this suggestion (including someone who works in government) thought it was tacky, distasteful and unreasonable.
You should know that I wouldn't give $1,000 to anyone without justification, not even a family member & probably not even if $1,000 became like $10 to me. I have also never made a political contribution to anyone & if you want one, you'd better really wow me + take an interest in my life, events, etc. If I feel you're just patronizing me & don't really care about my concerns, I'm not going to bother.
3. I know my friends would actually listen to what I have to say without me giving them a dime for political campaigns. They would actually take me seriously if I made a point & give me credit for it. This judge didn't give me that sense based on all this lack of personal e-mails and conversations with campaign reps.
Telling me that my voice means nothing to you unless I give you money sounds an awful lot like payola to me. Remember payola? It was when radio stations were paid to play songs by particular artists, translating into those songs becoming popular, going up the charts, etc. It was a huge scandal.
Now, that's not to say it doesn't happen today (I really have no personal knowledge of if it does or doesn't) but we're talking about public servants here. You know, people who are supposed to be serving EVERYBODY regardless of their campaign contribution to the election or how much money they have.
Radio station owners, at least, are not under public duties to serve people. They have no high moral ideals they're supposed to be meeting in playing or not playing a particular songs. Politicians and other elected officials are a different story. They're supposed to be held to much higher standards.
If they aren't, why does anyone give a damn if a politician cheats on his wife, propositions little boys or goes to a hooker? If we're allowing payola here, shouldn't we just admit that politicians aren't held to any standards of decency or public conduct? I don't consider being forced to purchase equal rights or rational thought from someone a decent act. I'd rather be represented by the adulterer or patron of hookers.
Even the pedophile would be better than the "buy my advocacy" candidate & I think pedophiles deserve what they get in public outrage & vigilante justice.
In response to this suggestion, I wrote back telling this person they were barking up the wrong tree considering what I & my husband do for a living. I also explained that I would likely never appear before this judge & without knowing anything about this person, I'm not handing over a dime much less an amount that would impose a hardship on my household.
A rep from the campaign then contacted me and said she'd send me info on more affordable events (this meaning the minimum contribution was $100, which is still excessive to me). I then get an e-mail recently on events (including one the same day that I saw after getting home from work). The only event that worked with my schedule was the make-up of the $1,000 contribution one. It turns out someone I knew was a host at the event so I asked her about this contribution thing, making the same points I'd made before on cost & the fact that my husband gets a say in such things as well so no way am I paying a dime without an opportunity to meet the person myself and form my own opinions.
I heard nothing back so I decided it was not worth me taking off work early to attend.
So, basically I have a real problem with the idea that my voice is only worth whatever extortion money you collect from me. I'm not going to vote for someone who expects me to hand them money to do a damn thing to benefit me. What the hell is the point? Hence, my extreme cynicism over politics.
I'll tell you right now that my company has never treated fans who didn't give to a campaign or who had less money like garbage while reserving the good treatment for investors. I wouldn't let them, either. That's classism at its core & acting that way proves to me you have zero class. Funny, I'm not even running for public office & I conduct myself that way. Why can't this person or other politicians?
What really irks me is groups like Move On or People for the American Way. I'll sign some of their petitions (if I agree with the issue) but I took my e-mail off PFAW's list after this insulting e-mail I got (complete with tons of links):
"Dear M,
It appears that the most unlikely name of all may now be supporting Mitt Romney for president:
M T (the name I used on these sites)
Please give me a moment to explain.
Thanks to the Citizens United decision, corporations now have the same free speech rights as people when it comes to spending money on America's elections. Every time you pay your bills, buy gas, food, or any other everyday item, some of that money is going directly into Mitt Romney's campaign budget.
That is why it is so important that you renew your PFAW membership.
If PFAW loses someone as committed to the American Way as you are M -- to someone like Mitt Romney -- either directly or simply by your inaction ... our civil rights and liberties as Americans will be absolutely devastated.
Please become one of the 7,987 newly renewed members we need standing with us this election year against the Radical Right. You already know what Romney's extreme right agenda would include --
Advancing the War on Women -- defunding family planning, denying access to basic birth control, and criminalizing reproductive choices.
Packing the Supreme Court with justices like Robert Bork -- who Mitt Romney named to co-chair his presidential advisory committee on law, the Constitution and the judiciary.
Privatizing Social Security and devastating Medicaid.
Slashing federal safeguards for the environment, energy and education.
We need the renewed support of 7,987 members by October 2012, so please make an urgent renewal contribution today.
With just a few months left before Election Day, we can’t take ANY chances! Republican extremist and anti-Union Governor Scott Walker’s victory in Wisconsin showed the impact of the Right’s big (and early) money advantage. And that’s exactly why your renewed support is needed more than ever before!
We need to pull out all the stops to defeat Romney and his radical right agenda RIGHT NOW! There isn’t much time left! It is imperative that we -
* Organize progressive voters and get them to the polls on Election Day. Get-out-the-vote efforts were essential to our victories in 2006 and 2008, and will be again in 2012.
* Fight the outrageous lies being propagated by the Republicans and the Tea Partiers to build unfounded fear and resentment for President Obama and Democrats in Congress.
* Buy airtime and advertisements on television, radio and the internet. We also need funding for phone banking and mail efforts to reach voters directly.
* Put “boots-on-the-ground.” People For the American Way is placing staff members in key districts to best coordinate our forces.
All this takes resources -- which is why PFAW needs you to renew your 2012 support immediately. Because if the unthinkable happens, we will only have ourselves to blame for not doing even more to prevent it. Please renew today!
Sincerely,
Michael B. Keegan signature
Michael Keegan, President"
The subject was: M, thank you for your support of the Romney campaign
I took my name off their mailing list right away & wouldn't do crap for these people. Newsflash: when all your e-mails or even over 50% of them are "give me $," you're wasting your time & pissing me off. This pissed me off on a nuclear level. I felt it was inflammatory. Pissing me off isn't going to inspire me to help you; it will most likely inspire me to tell you to go fuck yourself.
When I don't know who the hell you are, you have made zero effort to listen to what I have to say & never bothered responding if I complain about something you are wasting your time. If I gave $ to everyone who asked, I'd be flat broke as most everyone else would be.
Accessibility is very important to me & I strongly believe that politicians for the most part are anything but (certainly most people running for office can be included here). When I'm only getting form letters from your office & you merely condescend to me, I'm not going to care about what you do & I will go out of my way NOT to do anything that might remotely benefit you.
Just so you know, I'm not some little peon you can spit on; I have a comparable education and experience to you so probably better for you not to fuck with me. 'Kay? (imagine the head turn of Dr. Hutchison from Rocko's Modern Life as you read this)
Friday, June 15, 2012
DNA Doesn't Make You Family
I probably learned this at a very young age after seeing some of what I did. I saw total bullshit happening in the name of "love" and "family members" (you know the people who are supposed to be your unconditional supporters in life) treating people worse than strangers on the street.
Add this to the dysfunctional marriages I saw and you've got some basis for my heavy cynicism.
You'll probably notice that I don't talk so much about my extended family or relatives. There's good reason for that. Are you ready?
So, apparently Southern families are soap opera like. I wasn't really aware of this until a law school classmate told me; I asked a fellow Southerner about it today & he confirmed this. But seriously? My family is probably higher on that soap opera scale than average, even though we don't have a Stefano DiMerra figure (he implanted microchips in people's brains, fathered most of Salem, kidnapped Marlena Evans about a hundred times & basically did so much meddling into people's lives that my mother once said if he, Vivian Alamain & one other Days of Our Lives character were real people, they could singlehandedly take out foreign combatants).
Shall we start with my mother's side or my father's? I guess we'll go with my father's. To start with, my father's family was dysfunctional long before it was cool or hip (we're talking the days of I Love Lucy here). He had this stepfather that was abusive & even tried putting the moves on my mother when she & my dad were engaged; they called him "Mr. [His last name]". His recently departed brother (I can't say "dearly" since he was an ass & no one really liked him) was a creeper pedophile (as I learned more recently, which explains why we didn't really hang out with him). I feel like I got lucky with my father even though living in that family was no bowl of cherries. I'm also not sure I'm cool with the fact that apparently my parents provided aid & comfort to this creeper when the snakes were striking, so to speak. I addressed this issue in an earlier post; if you read it, you'll understand where I'm going here.
Second, I can't prove this but my paternal grandmother was allegedly Miss Atlanta GA; if we're going based on looks, it could very well be true but I don't know her first name or her maiden name so I have no way to verify it. In fact, they really don't have a family tree or other relatives I've heard of except a great aunt they were close to that died when I was younger. This grandmother, like most of my grandparents, died before I was born.
It feels like I'm adopted in some ways with this whole shroud of mystery here. It gets better, though.
My mother doesn't talk to pretty much any relative except my uncle (her brother). Factions of that family fought over money left by a distant relative some years back. When we were much younger, we saw some of those relatives but as we got to middle school & onward they vanished without a trace. No one made efforts to contact us or keep up with us. They do have a family tree, though.
Now, they are all curious on everyone's business but they never ask with legitimate concern. It is apparently more like an inquisition & having gossip fodder. I should mention both sides of my family have a healthy assortment of gossips & hateful assholes. Yes, I know this is not uncommon but I thought the whole ceasing of contact had to do with physical abuse or something horrifying like that.
Our basic attitude here is the same as mine on life in general: I'm not going to follow you around seeking your approval or favor like a little puppy nipping at your ankles. You want to be around? Make a fucking effort! Otherwise, don't whine about it when you do nothing to make an effort.
I could pass a relative of mine on the street & wouldn't know it. Doesn't this sound like a soap opera already?
One hazard of working in this industry, especially if you're an actor, writer, director or anyone else who's more out in front: long lost family & friends will try contacting you for favors.
I've been prepared for that possibility for some time since I kind of have to have an online presence for the sake of business. I also know what trajectory I'm going on & as a consequence, it's just bound to happen sometime.
Sometime became Tuesday. I go check my e-mail in the morning as I do every morning before I start working & I find a cousin I've not seen since I was 7 has written me a message through my website to then ask about why my mother won't talk to them.
Gee, did I wake up & become my mother all of a sudden? Did I end up back in NC & inhabit her body sometime? Last I checked, I was a separate entity.
That window of time when I'll bother to give someone any benefit of the doubt on not seeking special favors is rapidly shrinking; I suppose it already shrank from going to law school & leaving the South but it's definitely gotten smaller than it was even 2 years ago.
I check a different e-mail account to find this cousin also wrote me the same message through Avvo.
That evening, when I've decided how I'm going to handle this I see this cousin has sent me a Facebook friend request & has no public details on her profile to give me an idea of what sort of person I'm dealing with. Nor do I have any way to respond through Facebook.
Another fact about my mom's side of the family: there are a lot of Christians in it. Some of whom are probably part of that lunatic fundie fringe that's intolerant & quoting Bible verses at you constantly while breaking most of the commandments. I'm not so certain they'd accept me for me.
I thought "Oh no she didn't!" Because her messages to me said she'd done "research" on me, I decided to point that out in my response. I also addressed what an aunt of mine said concerning my plans to live in NY state; she had claimed I was following the guy I was dating at the time (Vampire Boy) instead of having a real interest in it. Jesus, people who'd spent a few hours around me knew I had no interest in living in the South. An aunt on my dad's side I didn't spend a ton of time with even told my mother that she wasn't surprised about what I did in my adult life & where I'd moved to. She's also dead now.
I figure if that aunt knew, it should be as plain as day to anyone else. Total strangers down there knew how miserable I was living there; it was obvious & I made no secret of that fact.
In writing this message, I figured I'd treat this relative just as I'd treat a total stranger who sent me a Facebook friend request & provided no explanation or reason why I should care about connecting with them, especially on a personal social media site like Facebook. I get those kinds of requests fairly often on various social media platforms so I'm pretty direct about it.
My mother said I didn't have to be offensive & all to this relative. I said "You're assuming I care what this woman thinks. I really don't." She seems to forget I'm the woman who's known as "the enforcer," the person who'll tell you right to your face if you're crossing a line or doing something that offends me. I've got a rep to maintain, you know?
My thought is regardless of my approach, it's a win for me. I also stated that if you want to have space in my life, you'll have to accept me for who I am without trying to "save," convert or badger me about my life choices (all of them, not just the ones you like such as my super heterosexuality) as well as accept my spouse, who is not going to become a God bothering asshole.
I further stated that my mother was an adult & she could speak to her directly on that issue but that I would not be a conduit of information and would not be violating her personal privacy since she's not violated mine. I presume she would not be selling me out to some tabloid or exploiting my friends/harassing my contacts. I know she wouldn't bother celebrities since she's got no interest in such matters.
So, I'm giving this relative a week. Regardless of what happens, it's a win in my book. If she's all offended, then I won't have to worry about them bothering me. Really not worth your time to deal with me if you offend easily anyway. If not, maybe we can have a serious discussion here & lay our cards out on the table. See if there's going to be acceptance. I even put in some light profanity after pointing out that I do curse & have earned that right since I live in NYC and am an adult. Would you rather I curse or repress all that to then snap one day & shoot innocent people in a bank like that day trader did in Atlanta shortly before I moved there? I've asked my mother this question anytime she complains about me cursing out some dumbass driver in a fit of road rage while I drive.
At this point, I'm not in the mood to grovel for anyone's approval & see no reason to do it when it comes to who I am as a person. No acceptance means why bother in my book.
Just remember that your family is the one you create for yourself, not the one you're born into.
Oh, and 50 Shades of Grey is total porn but if you want honesty in some of the terms you should read the sex stories in Playboy or urban fiction (according to a librarian I know, wink wink). They spell out the male & female private parts in the characters' sexual experiences. That leads into another rant but since I'm sleepy, I'll save it for another day. Just know that my husband was right when he said this book is porn. Not that this is a bad thing; I'm just stating facts. More thoughts on this later. I have to actually finish it first.
Add this to the dysfunctional marriages I saw and you've got some basis for my heavy cynicism.
You'll probably notice that I don't talk so much about my extended family or relatives. There's good reason for that. Are you ready?
So, apparently Southern families are soap opera like. I wasn't really aware of this until a law school classmate told me; I asked a fellow Southerner about it today & he confirmed this. But seriously? My family is probably higher on that soap opera scale than average, even though we don't have a Stefano DiMerra figure (he implanted microchips in people's brains, fathered most of Salem, kidnapped Marlena Evans about a hundred times & basically did so much meddling into people's lives that my mother once said if he, Vivian Alamain & one other Days of Our Lives character were real people, they could singlehandedly take out foreign combatants).
Shall we start with my mother's side or my father's? I guess we'll go with my father's. To start with, my father's family was dysfunctional long before it was cool or hip (we're talking the days of I Love Lucy here). He had this stepfather that was abusive & even tried putting the moves on my mother when she & my dad were engaged; they called him "Mr. [His last name]". His recently departed brother (I can't say "dearly" since he was an ass & no one really liked him) was a creeper pedophile (as I learned more recently, which explains why we didn't really hang out with him). I feel like I got lucky with my father even though living in that family was no bowl of cherries. I'm also not sure I'm cool with the fact that apparently my parents provided aid & comfort to this creeper when the snakes were striking, so to speak. I addressed this issue in an earlier post; if you read it, you'll understand where I'm going here.
Second, I can't prove this but my paternal grandmother was allegedly Miss Atlanta GA; if we're going based on looks, it could very well be true but I don't know her first name or her maiden name so I have no way to verify it. In fact, they really don't have a family tree or other relatives I've heard of except a great aunt they were close to that died when I was younger. This grandmother, like most of my grandparents, died before I was born.
It feels like I'm adopted in some ways with this whole shroud of mystery here. It gets better, though.
My mother doesn't talk to pretty much any relative except my uncle (her brother). Factions of that family fought over money left by a distant relative some years back. When we were much younger, we saw some of those relatives but as we got to middle school & onward they vanished without a trace. No one made efforts to contact us or keep up with us. They do have a family tree, though.
Now, they are all curious on everyone's business but they never ask with legitimate concern. It is apparently more like an inquisition & having gossip fodder. I should mention both sides of my family have a healthy assortment of gossips & hateful assholes. Yes, I know this is not uncommon but I thought the whole ceasing of contact had to do with physical abuse or something horrifying like that.
Our basic attitude here is the same as mine on life in general: I'm not going to follow you around seeking your approval or favor like a little puppy nipping at your ankles. You want to be around? Make a fucking effort! Otherwise, don't whine about it when you do nothing to make an effort.
I could pass a relative of mine on the street & wouldn't know it. Doesn't this sound like a soap opera already?
One hazard of working in this industry, especially if you're an actor, writer, director or anyone else who's more out in front: long lost family & friends will try contacting you for favors.
I've been prepared for that possibility for some time since I kind of have to have an online presence for the sake of business. I also know what trajectory I'm going on & as a consequence, it's just bound to happen sometime.
Sometime became Tuesday. I go check my e-mail in the morning as I do every morning before I start working & I find a cousin I've not seen since I was 7 has written me a message through my website to then ask about why my mother won't talk to them.
Gee, did I wake up & become my mother all of a sudden? Did I end up back in NC & inhabit her body sometime? Last I checked, I was a separate entity.
That window of time when I'll bother to give someone any benefit of the doubt on not seeking special favors is rapidly shrinking; I suppose it already shrank from going to law school & leaving the South but it's definitely gotten smaller than it was even 2 years ago.
I check a different e-mail account to find this cousin also wrote me the same message through Avvo.
That evening, when I've decided how I'm going to handle this I see this cousin has sent me a Facebook friend request & has no public details on her profile to give me an idea of what sort of person I'm dealing with. Nor do I have any way to respond through Facebook.
Another fact about my mom's side of the family: there are a lot of Christians in it. Some of whom are probably part of that lunatic fundie fringe that's intolerant & quoting Bible verses at you constantly while breaking most of the commandments. I'm not so certain they'd accept me for me.
I thought "Oh no she didn't!" Because her messages to me said she'd done "research" on me, I decided to point that out in my response. I also addressed what an aunt of mine said concerning my plans to live in NY state; she had claimed I was following the guy I was dating at the time (Vampire Boy) instead of having a real interest in it. Jesus, people who'd spent a few hours around me knew I had no interest in living in the South. An aunt on my dad's side I didn't spend a ton of time with even told my mother that she wasn't surprised about what I did in my adult life & where I'd moved to. She's also dead now.
I figure if that aunt knew, it should be as plain as day to anyone else. Total strangers down there knew how miserable I was living there; it was obvious & I made no secret of that fact.
In writing this message, I figured I'd treat this relative just as I'd treat a total stranger who sent me a Facebook friend request & provided no explanation or reason why I should care about connecting with them, especially on a personal social media site like Facebook. I get those kinds of requests fairly often on various social media platforms so I'm pretty direct about it.
My mother said I didn't have to be offensive & all to this relative. I said "You're assuming I care what this woman thinks. I really don't." She seems to forget I'm the woman who's known as "the enforcer," the person who'll tell you right to your face if you're crossing a line or doing something that offends me. I've got a rep to maintain, you know?
My thought is regardless of my approach, it's a win for me. I also stated that if you want to have space in my life, you'll have to accept me for who I am without trying to "save," convert or badger me about my life choices (all of them, not just the ones you like such as my super heterosexuality) as well as accept my spouse, who is not going to become a God bothering asshole.
I further stated that my mother was an adult & she could speak to her directly on that issue but that I would not be a conduit of information and would not be violating her personal privacy since she's not violated mine. I presume she would not be selling me out to some tabloid or exploiting my friends/harassing my contacts. I know she wouldn't bother celebrities since she's got no interest in such matters.
So, I'm giving this relative a week. Regardless of what happens, it's a win in my book. If she's all offended, then I won't have to worry about them bothering me. Really not worth your time to deal with me if you offend easily anyway. If not, maybe we can have a serious discussion here & lay our cards out on the table. See if there's going to be acceptance. I even put in some light profanity after pointing out that I do curse & have earned that right since I live in NYC and am an adult. Would you rather I curse or repress all that to then snap one day & shoot innocent people in a bank like that day trader did in Atlanta shortly before I moved there? I've asked my mother this question anytime she complains about me cursing out some dumbass driver in a fit of road rage while I drive.
At this point, I'm not in the mood to grovel for anyone's approval & see no reason to do it when it comes to who I am as a person. No acceptance means why bother in my book.
Just remember that your family is the one you create for yourself, not the one you're born into.
Oh, and 50 Shades of Grey is total porn but if you want honesty in some of the terms you should read the sex stories in Playboy or urban fiction (according to a librarian I know, wink wink). They spell out the male & female private parts in the characters' sexual experiences. That leads into another rant but since I'm sleepy, I'll save it for another day. Just know that my husband was right when he said this book is porn. Not that this is a bad thing; I'm just stating facts. More thoughts on this later. I have to actually finish it first.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Slate.Com Published My Writing!
Seriously in their XX Factor blog. Here's the link if you want to read it. It's edited but if you've been reading this blog, you know it's true. Plus, it's no secret I'm childfree & if there was a cause to be known for, I can't think of a better one than more responsible parenting and the encouragement of the childfree movement.
I honestly hadn't thought about the "why" of being childfree until I read about one child-free woman's experience on Slate & the part where they were inviting people to share their stories & their "why." My "why" took some time but it did occur to me that my past experiences probably shaped my decision.
You'll note I'm not a child hater, I just don't think children should be viewed as a punishment or like toys or pets you play with for a while and then get bored with.
I'm not going to bother reading comments there since there are lots of inbred, ignorant trolls who post remarks & frankly, I haven't got the time for it. I've had enough of my own shit to deal with and boy, do I have entries to write.
One experience even dealt with something I've been preparing for in my career & generally once I did well: random people from the past coming out of the woodwork. Worse yet, random relatives possibly trying to use DNA to justify the reappearing act.
More details on this when I've got real time to write it out.
I honestly hadn't thought about the "why" of being childfree until I read about one child-free woman's experience on Slate & the part where they were inviting people to share their stories & their "why." My "why" took some time but it did occur to me that my past experiences probably shaped my decision.
You'll note I'm not a child hater, I just don't think children should be viewed as a punishment or like toys or pets you play with for a while and then get bored with.
I'm not going to bother reading comments there since there are lots of inbred, ignorant trolls who post remarks & frankly, I haven't got the time for it. I've had enough of my own shit to deal with and boy, do I have entries to write.
One experience even dealt with something I've been preparing for in my career & generally once I did well: random people from the past coming out of the woodwork. Worse yet, random relatives possibly trying to use DNA to justify the reappearing act.
More details on this when I've got real time to write it out.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Should We Banish All The Exes???
I decided it was time to update my ex-boyfriend scrapbook. Yes, I've got an ex-boyfriend scrapbook.
I started it when I was in college & single; it's called "The Ex Chronicles: A Work in Progress", has an introduction and some words about particular exes that had a true impact in my life or really pissed me off, has a "booty list" of things I got from that ex (gifts they bought & material possessions I got from that relationship that made it less of a waste) & has a pic of each ex or something to symbolize him as well as things like movie ticket stubs, pictures of movies I saw w/the guy or restaurant logos for where we went, etc.
When I met my hubby & was pretty sure he was the one (before we were engaged, in fact), I did the last page where he's called "The One" and wrote a whole piece about it. I also glued in tickets & places where we've gone. I have a bunch of blank pages in it and realized I should add in the ticket stubs & things I've got from doing things with hubby.
The very back of it has phone numbers I collected from guys I didn't end up dating or who thought I was pretty. More of an ego boost for the former ugly girl, really. Sort of a record to say "See, I CAN attract guys so there." One is even a Polaroid I got of a guy who hung around me one evening & stayed even after I got a major stomach ache and felt horrid. Let me tell you, that wasn't pleasant. This guy actually gave a damn & kept me company the whole evening. If he'd been local, maybe that could have worked out but he was in the military & stationed on the west coast so there you go. It became one of those experiences I'll probably use in some creative work later on, along with various things guys I talked with who I met once & had no way to stay in touch with told me. Those are the experiences I feel one needs to have a true personality & really be effective in a creative sense.
I pride myself on the creative flair of the whole thing but my best reason for having & keeping it? If I ever get amnesia, I won't make the mistake of dating those guys again & it might trigger positive memories of my hubby. After all, I have a copy of the first message he ever sent me on OkCupid pasted in there. I read it just now & it made me laugh as well as smile. I also thought "It's so fortunate we found each other." If you knew me well & you read it, you'd probably also think "Wow, that guy IS her perfect match/soulmate/a male version of her/true love/whatever."
Are you shocked I have an ex-boyfriend scrapbook? You shouldn't be. I don't believe in pretending your exes don't exist after you stop dating them. Now we don't have to go all Helga Pataki & build shrines to them like she did for Arnold (it's from Hey Arnold, you doofus; go watch it if you haven't seen it). We don't have to obsess about them or stalk them like she did to Arnold.
At the same time, I hate those articles that say "never talk about your exes." First off, when I dated guys I wanted them to know what pissed me off so they'd not being doing it. It would hardly be proper for me to get mad at them for doing something to piss me off if they didn't even know what pissed me off or why. In my mind, if the guy knows something will piss you off & he does it anyway then you've got every right to get angry. But if he doesn't? Then you're stuck & can't get mad b/c he doesn't know about it. Why not prevent a potential fight by just being honest about what makes you mad? You can't expect people to be mind readers. No, ladies you can not expect a guy you just met to know all your pet peeves or even try to understand them if you don't give him some background.
This is the vein in which I discussed things about myself: I figured "Let's get rid of the pro-lifers & the cheating assholes right away. Why get attached to a guy who's going to try to shove me into a relationship I don't want or force me to give up my dreams?"
Second, there are some serious deal breakers you need to get answers on ASAP & what better time than on a first date? If you know you want kids someday or must live in Florida, why get attached to a guy who doesn't want them or must live in Alaska? What if the guy or the girl has kids & you hate them? Shouldn't you know about that? What if someone was or is an escort or prostitute or adult film star? You might want to know before one of their fans comes up & asks for an autograph while you're on a date. There are certain things that I think people should have some informed consent on & if you don't give them that opportunity, you're being a jerk and not giving the person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that person wouldn't mind dating an adult film star or loves kids dearly. You don't know. I just think it comes down to treating someone you have a romantic interest in as you'd want them to treat you.
Finally, I think it's a different situation when you're not dating for Mr./Ms. Right. If your long term goals aren't going to match up, it's better to let people know ahead of time before they get attached & hurt because you don't want to do what they want to do (especially if you're the guy). For me, relationships just moved faster & were shorter when I was single and not living in the Northeast. When you know you're not going to be someplace forever, you have a different perspective on things & you just have to be more efficient than these conventional articles tell you.
Maybe there should be some type of dating article for people who are not living in the place they plan to put roots in. Time is of the essence there & casual dating's kind of the norm (though I personally was a one man kind of girl; I dated a lot but I never slept with anybody as part of a harem since we redheads don't like that & being one, I felt that if I was as good as guys with knowledge claimed I was [as endorsed by Manswers & general convention on redheads] then I was more than enough for them). While this ethic isn't limited to natural redheads, a natural redhead would feel like you were eating fast food hamburgers instead of the fliet mignon on your plate if you were doing that to her. She'd also think you're a total moron & not worthy of her. One of those points should be "If you're okay with your significant other sleeping with you & others at the same time, use protection & demand the same of your sex partners."
So I don't think you have to praise exes but consider their flaws. After all, they are exes for a reason, right? I'm sure the ex had something you wanted to do & (s)he wouldn't whether it was skydiving or a sexual position or even meeting each other's family members. Then if the current person will do it, you can appreciate the current person for giving you that. I also thank my husband for ridding negative associations with exes by going to places & doing things I'd last done with an ex.
To me, keeping that book is not an "I'm not over XYZ ex" issue. It's not like I take it out & masturbate to anyone's picture; if you're not doing that, I think it's perfectly fine to have a "what mistakes not to repeat" record just in case you become senile, get amnesia or plain lose your mind (which could easily happen to me though I don't think I'd be stepping out with some illegal who's got a baby mama & zero ambition like my former friend did). Anyone else?
I started it when I was in college & single; it's called "The Ex Chronicles: A Work in Progress", has an introduction and some words about particular exes that had a true impact in my life or really pissed me off, has a "booty list" of things I got from that ex (gifts they bought & material possessions I got from that relationship that made it less of a waste) & has a pic of each ex or something to symbolize him as well as things like movie ticket stubs, pictures of movies I saw w/the guy or restaurant logos for where we went, etc.
When I met my hubby & was pretty sure he was the one (before we were engaged, in fact), I did the last page where he's called "The One" and wrote a whole piece about it. I also glued in tickets & places where we've gone. I have a bunch of blank pages in it and realized I should add in the ticket stubs & things I've got from doing things with hubby.
The very back of it has phone numbers I collected from guys I didn't end up dating or who thought I was pretty. More of an ego boost for the former ugly girl, really. Sort of a record to say "See, I CAN attract guys so there." One is even a Polaroid I got of a guy who hung around me one evening & stayed even after I got a major stomach ache and felt horrid. Let me tell you, that wasn't pleasant. This guy actually gave a damn & kept me company the whole evening. If he'd been local, maybe that could have worked out but he was in the military & stationed on the west coast so there you go. It became one of those experiences I'll probably use in some creative work later on, along with various things guys I talked with who I met once & had no way to stay in touch with told me. Those are the experiences I feel one needs to have a true personality & really be effective in a creative sense.
I pride myself on the creative flair of the whole thing but my best reason for having & keeping it? If I ever get amnesia, I won't make the mistake of dating those guys again & it might trigger positive memories of my hubby. After all, I have a copy of the first message he ever sent me on OkCupid pasted in there. I read it just now & it made me laugh as well as smile. I also thought "It's so fortunate we found each other." If you knew me well & you read it, you'd probably also think "Wow, that guy IS her perfect match/soulmate/a male version of her/true love/whatever."
Are you shocked I have an ex-boyfriend scrapbook? You shouldn't be. I don't believe in pretending your exes don't exist after you stop dating them. Now we don't have to go all Helga Pataki & build shrines to them like she did for Arnold (it's from Hey Arnold, you doofus; go watch it if you haven't seen it). We don't have to obsess about them or stalk them like she did to Arnold.
At the same time, I hate those articles that say "never talk about your exes." First off, when I dated guys I wanted them to know what pissed me off so they'd not being doing it. It would hardly be proper for me to get mad at them for doing something to piss me off if they didn't even know what pissed me off or why. In my mind, if the guy knows something will piss you off & he does it anyway then you've got every right to get angry. But if he doesn't? Then you're stuck & can't get mad b/c he doesn't know about it. Why not prevent a potential fight by just being honest about what makes you mad? You can't expect people to be mind readers. No, ladies you can not expect a guy you just met to know all your pet peeves or even try to understand them if you don't give him some background.
This is the vein in which I discussed things about myself: I figured "Let's get rid of the pro-lifers & the cheating assholes right away. Why get attached to a guy who's going to try to shove me into a relationship I don't want or force me to give up my dreams?"
Second, there are some serious deal breakers you need to get answers on ASAP & what better time than on a first date? If you know you want kids someday or must live in Florida, why get attached to a guy who doesn't want them or must live in Alaska? What if the guy or the girl has kids & you hate them? Shouldn't you know about that? What if someone was or is an escort or prostitute or adult film star? You might want to know before one of their fans comes up & asks for an autograph while you're on a date. There are certain things that I think people should have some informed consent on & if you don't give them that opportunity, you're being a jerk and not giving the person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that person wouldn't mind dating an adult film star or loves kids dearly. You don't know. I just think it comes down to treating someone you have a romantic interest in as you'd want them to treat you.
Finally, I think it's a different situation when you're not dating for Mr./Ms. Right. If your long term goals aren't going to match up, it's better to let people know ahead of time before they get attached & hurt because you don't want to do what they want to do (especially if you're the guy). For me, relationships just moved faster & were shorter when I was single and not living in the Northeast. When you know you're not going to be someplace forever, you have a different perspective on things & you just have to be more efficient than these conventional articles tell you.
Maybe there should be some type of dating article for people who are not living in the place they plan to put roots in. Time is of the essence there & casual dating's kind of the norm (though I personally was a one man kind of girl; I dated a lot but I never slept with anybody as part of a harem since we redheads don't like that & being one, I felt that if I was as good as guys with knowledge claimed I was [as endorsed by Manswers & general convention on redheads] then I was more than enough for them). While this ethic isn't limited to natural redheads, a natural redhead would feel like you were eating fast food hamburgers instead of the fliet mignon on your plate if you were doing that to her. She'd also think you're a total moron & not worthy of her. One of those points should be "If you're okay with your significant other sleeping with you & others at the same time, use protection & demand the same of your sex partners."
So I don't think you have to praise exes but consider their flaws. After all, they are exes for a reason, right? I'm sure the ex had something you wanted to do & (s)he wouldn't whether it was skydiving or a sexual position or even meeting each other's family members. Then if the current person will do it, you can appreciate the current person for giving you that. I also thank my husband for ridding negative associations with exes by going to places & doing things I'd last done with an ex.
To me, keeping that book is not an "I'm not over XYZ ex" issue. It's not like I take it out & masturbate to anyone's picture; if you're not doing that, I think it's perfectly fine to have a "what mistakes not to repeat" record just in case you become senile, get amnesia or plain lose your mind (which could easily happen to me though I don't think I'd be stepping out with some illegal who's got a baby mama & zero ambition like my former friend did). Anyone else?
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Everything's Going to Kill You So Why Bother?
This the take away lesson I've gotten from basic living. What truly prompted this was reading about a study that was done essentially saying that using sunscreen will accelerate your chances of getting cancer.
What the hell was the point of using it in the first place? To prevent skin cancer from the sun. This link is not to the article I read but the article I read said people should wear hats & stay in the shade.
But, wait! If you wear hats all the time, you'll get bald. If you put long hair in a ponytail all the time, your hairline will recede.
We can make this same argument for food. There are diet & sugar substitute products that are worse for you than the sugary version. They say too much soy is bad for you but you saw people touting that as a great health food (perhaps some still do). Then, if you don't have organic you'll just die but the price is ungodly so if you're poor or just frugal it's essentially a big "fuck you." I've hear of no effort to go reform this state of affairs or get subsidies so ALL can afford good food, not even from your biggest supporters of this movement. "Spend $5 on an organic pepper," & Bloomberg's latest campaign to ban larger soft drinks in NYC restaurants, theaters & venues are not solutions in my book.
Cancer runs in my family anyway & it sounds like I could easily get it just because my father is an inconsiderate smoker who never bothered to smoke outside when we were kids (since secondhand smoke will kill you & cause cancer just as much as being an actual smoker will).
I'll be super pissed if I end up getting lung cancer later on despite not being a smoker in my entire life (why anyone in NYC would buy cigarettes in the city limits, I have no idea since the price is utter extortion; the South is the place to buy them, particularly NC where you can see the tobacco fields when you drive in the suburbs of Winston Salem).
Then, you have an increased risk of breast cancer if you don't have a child. But if you have a child, your uterus will probably droop (my sister did not need to tell me about that; I was already convinced that parenthood was not for me). Plus, you have to take care of that (to quote my Family Law professor) "puking, mewling rugrat" for the next 20+ years if not longer.
If you didn't want that kid or the responsibility of parenthood, you will not like being given dirty looks by the likes of me for next 10 or so years because you refuse to parent your child & let him/her behave like an anti-social hell spawn in public. Maybe your child will end up getting choked like this kid did. I also think that kid had it coming & if it was my parents, he'd probably be dead or castrated if his parents were useless deadbeats like it seems far too many are today. Castration might be inevitable for this kid if he treats women like that when he's older.
If the overall stress of parenthood doesn't kill you, then the breast cancer apparently will. But at least the childfree will have their own money to treat the breast cancer.
Doesn't it sound to you like everyone's going to die of cancer if they don't become casualties of the zombie apocalypse or the massive uprising against the 1% & the Christian Taliban first? Maybe some of those casualties will be suffering from cancer at the time.
It also seems you might as well die instead of fighting cancer with all the stories you see about everyone being broke & having medical bills drive them into bankruptcy. Fortunately, I know people who had cancer & apparently haven't become financially devastated as a result but you do have to wonder.
So my thoughts are that sooner or later, I'm apparently going to have cancer like everyone else. If I'm going to end up with cancer no matter how I live or what I do, what's the point in all this needless panicking & craziness in life? I understand & support doing basic stuff like not getting X-rays without wearing the lead shield or putting on sunblock so I don't get painful sunburns (damn pale skin; one drawback of my appearance).
However, I'm not having kids I don't want to raise or permanently wearing a hat. I'm also not spending a trillion dollars on food I don't even like for the sake of preventing health problems. I will also eat what I like, organic or not so long as it's fresh.
I'm from the school of moderation on most things. I don't drink so much but that's because of alcoholism being so thick in my family & not wanting to prove my father right (who I'm still somewhat indifferent toward) by becoming just like him. It took going to college to see that not everyone is an asshole drunk. If you see me drinking on that once in a blue moon day, it's either because I'm uncomfortable & don't want to say something offensive or it was free and I'm taking some obligatory small amount for a sample.
An attorney friend of mine did pose an interesting idea, though: alcohol at live attorney CLE events. That might make dealing with the company of other lawyers more tolerable. You know, perhaps that's why you see alcohol at many lawyer networking events. Maybe they need it to cope with the overbearing asshole lawyer stereotype crowd since the nice, caring crowd either doesn't show up or has other people to talk to. Not to mention some programs aren't fun at all & I'm sure drinking helps make them more interesting for some folks.
I saw an odd infomercial product just for holding your wine glass at networking events. They talked about it on a special episode of World's Dumbest called World's Smartest Inventions. I'd think lawyers would jump all over this one. That episode was hilarious though, with the note pillow & the plant with messages on the leaves. If they sold some that said "Go fuck yourself," "Give me your money," or some other humorous gems I'd be more interested. I think it was also the one that had the dog forks with the woman who made them & seemed to take it just a little too seriously.
Perhaps if pot became legal, we could add getting stoned to the menu of attorney events as well. I stay sober since for one thing, someone has to remember all this stuff & if I see something particularly odd or interesting, I'll have to tape it for posterity. I'm also much more fun sober. Maybe some lawyers already show up stoned to events (hopefully not to court)? I don't know.
I figure if I get cancer, I may have to go & get a prescription for it but then that means having to live in California. Seriously, tax revenues folks. Let's consider that in the legalization argument. You can't cry broke & then turn down things that would make money. That's like my old undergrad rejecting donation money from the guy who runs this huge adult store (legend says this happened anyway; the top brass denied but considering what we knew about this school, I wouldn't be shocked if it was true). Beggars can't be choosers, you know?
At the end of the day it seems like everything will kill you. Even stress from being a lawyer, toxic relationships, too much booze (and if I get liver problems, I WILL be pissed), etc. I'm going to keep eating what I want to eat, damn it. For the same reason I moved to NYC & as I told my mother when she was unhappy about me moving to a major city, I'd rather live a short, happy life than a long, boring one. Wouldn't you?
What the hell was the point of using it in the first place? To prevent skin cancer from the sun. This link is not to the article I read but the article I read said people should wear hats & stay in the shade.
But, wait! If you wear hats all the time, you'll get bald. If you put long hair in a ponytail all the time, your hairline will recede.
We can make this same argument for food. There are diet & sugar substitute products that are worse for you than the sugary version. They say too much soy is bad for you but you saw people touting that as a great health food (perhaps some still do). Then, if you don't have organic you'll just die but the price is ungodly so if you're poor or just frugal it's essentially a big "fuck you." I've hear of no effort to go reform this state of affairs or get subsidies so ALL can afford good food, not even from your biggest supporters of this movement. "Spend $5 on an organic pepper," & Bloomberg's latest campaign to ban larger soft drinks in NYC restaurants, theaters & venues are not solutions in my book.
Cancer runs in my family anyway & it sounds like I could easily get it just because my father is an inconsiderate smoker who never bothered to smoke outside when we were kids (since secondhand smoke will kill you & cause cancer just as much as being an actual smoker will).
I'll be super pissed if I end up getting lung cancer later on despite not being a smoker in my entire life (why anyone in NYC would buy cigarettes in the city limits, I have no idea since the price is utter extortion; the South is the place to buy them, particularly NC where you can see the tobacco fields when you drive in the suburbs of Winston Salem).
Then, you have an increased risk of breast cancer if you don't have a child. But if you have a child, your uterus will probably droop (my sister did not need to tell me about that; I was already convinced that parenthood was not for me). Plus, you have to take care of that (to quote my Family Law professor) "puking, mewling rugrat" for the next 20+ years if not longer.
If you didn't want that kid or the responsibility of parenthood, you will not like being given dirty looks by the likes of me for next 10 or so years because you refuse to parent your child & let him/her behave like an anti-social hell spawn in public. Maybe your child will end up getting choked like this kid did. I also think that kid had it coming & if it was my parents, he'd probably be dead or castrated if his parents were useless deadbeats like it seems far too many are today. Castration might be inevitable for this kid if he treats women like that when he's older.
If the overall stress of parenthood doesn't kill you, then the breast cancer apparently will. But at least the childfree will have their own money to treat the breast cancer.
Doesn't it sound to you like everyone's going to die of cancer if they don't become casualties of the zombie apocalypse or the massive uprising against the 1% & the Christian Taliban first? Maybe some of those casualties will be suffering from cancer at the time.
It also seems you might as well die instead of fighting cancer with all the stories you see about everyone being broke & having medical bills drive them into bankruptcy. Fortunately, I know people who had cancer & apparently haven't become financially devastated as a result but you do have to wonder.
So my thoughts are that sooner or later, I'm apparently going to have cancer like everyone else. If I'm going to end up with cancer no matter how I live or what I do, what's the point in all this needless panicking & craziness in life? I understand & support doing basic stuff like not getting X-rays without wearing the lead shield or putting on sunblock so I don't get painful sunburns (damn pale skin; one drawback of my appearance).
However, I'm not having kids I don't want to raise or permanently wearing a hat. I'm also not spending a trillion dollars on food I don't even like for the sake of preventing health problems. I will also eat what I like, organic or not so long as it's fresh.
I'm from the school of moderation on most things. I don't drink so much but that's because of alcoholism being so thick in my family & not wanting to prove my father right (who I'm still somewhat indifferent toward) by becoming just like him. It took going to college to see that not everyone is an asshole drunk. If you see me drinking on that once in a blue moon day, it's either because I'm uncomfortable & don't want to say something offensive or it was free and I'm taking some obligatory small amount for a sample.
An attorney friend of mine did pose an interesting idea, though: alcohol at live attorney CLE events. That might make dealing with the company of other lawyers more tolerable. You know, perhaps that's why you see alcohol at many lawyer networking events. Maybe they need it to cope with the overbearing asshole lawyer stereotype crowd since the nice, caring crowd either doesn't show up or has other people to talk to. Not to mention some programs aren't fun at all & I'm sure drinking helps make them more interesting for some folks.
I saw an odd infomercial product just for holding your wine glass at networking events. They talked about it on a special episode of World's Dumbest called World's Smartest Inventions. I'd think lawyers would jump all over this one. That episode was hilarious though, with the note pillow & the plant with messages on the leaves. If they sold some that said "Go fuck yourself," "Give me your money," or some other humorous gems I'd be more interested. I think it was also the one that had the dog forks with the woman who made them & seemed to take it just a little too seriously.
Perhaps if pot became legal, we could add getting stoned to the menu of attorney events as well. I stay sober since for one thing, someone has to remember all this stuff & if I see something particularly odd or interesting, I'll have to tape it for posterity. I'm also much more fun sober. Maybe some lawyers already show up stoned to events (hopefully not to court)? I don't know.
I figure if I get cancer, I may have to go & get a prescription for it but then that means having to live in California. Seriously, tax revenues folks. Let's consider that in the legalization argument. You can't cry broke & then turn down things that would make money. That's like my old undergrad rejecting donation money from the guy who runs this huge adult store (legend says this happened anyway; the top brass denied but considering what we knew about this school, I wouldn't be shocked if it was true). Beggars can't be choosers, you know?
At the end of the day it seems like everything will kill you. Even stress from being a lawyer, toxic relationships, too much booze (and if I get liver problems, I WILL be pissed), etc. I'm going to keep eating what I want to eat, damn it. For the same reason I moved to NYC & as I told my mother when she was unhappy about me moving to a major city, I'd rather live a short, happy life than a long, boring one. Wouldn't you?
Saturday, May 26, 2012
What Does Being a "Hip" Lawyer REALLY Mean?
Seriously, I want to know. I saw this ad recently:
Hip Lawyer Please (TriBeCa)
Date: 2012-05-11, 12:49PM EDT
Reply to: xsmc2-3009506645@job.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Law office seeks motivated attorney to work with our foreign artists and creatives in attaining their work visas to the USA. We offer a boutique small firm environment, lack of dress code, informality and reject the corporate model to law firms, (lawyers are stiff enough)..
The most important qualities we are looking for are;
1 -strong, efficient and attentive writing skills,
2 -creativity and ability to work independently
3 -have an ear to the ground in regard to trends, fashion, culture and arts
4. an ability to incorporate their "hipness" (for lack of a better word) into our work, which is mostly persuasive writing and research
The position would be part time to begin (at least twice a week) as we determine the effectiveness of the role with real potential for advancement if results met and growth continues. Please send a resume/CV and a short explanation of why you feel you would be a good fit given our needs.
Compensation: hourly, commensurate with experience
This is a part-time job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 3009506645
Due to the nature of what I do & the fact that Craig's List is rife with scammers, I NEVER send personal details in responding to ads unless I've gotten the poster's personal details first. For one thing, there's vetting concerns. Second, I don't want someone asking me for entertainment advice (certainly not for free) or to pass a script to someone I know. I have far too much respect for my colleagues to bother them with such crap. Third, I don't want someone trying to establish a personal connection with me that I might not want to have. I network very carefully & don't deal with losers. I've also seen way too much BS (as you can read in prior entries) to take anyone seriously unless they actually answer my questions & follow MY directions.
If you're an employer who doesn't get this, then you're not one I want to deal with anyway. I evaluate you just as much as you evaluate me. Trust me, if you'd lived some of my experiences you'd do the very same thing.
In short, you can't be overly trusting of total strangers.
I've not heard anything from this one & while I may be a bit cynical as well as pessimistic, I think I'm probably right when I think I won't at all.
Here's why:
It's my theory that when a law firm says they want a "cool" or "hip" lawyer, they don't really want a cool or hip lawyer. To me, it feels just like what colleagues in the entertainment field have said about film execs who say they want something "different" but what they REALLY mean is "something that will make money but is different enough to not be a knock off of some already popular, money making film."
In the case of these firms, I think they mean they want someone who's still vanilla, bland & boring but keeps up with technology and watches television. If they really wanted "hip," I'd be hearing something. I challenged people I knew to find me a lawyer in NYC who is hipper than me. Someone who's got their own humorous rant blog, says some of the things I say, could care less about impressing anyone & defies lawyer stereotypes in the same manner I do. I've yet to find that person. If I did, that person would have to be my friend by default. I'll guarantee you none have made the sort of impression I make. People know me by my hair.
I found out at a NYCLA networking event I went to a while back that I was being identified as a redhead. That & working in the entertainment field. I'd also dare you to find someone less impressed with hierarchy or sucking up to other attorneys.
Am I right about this definition of "hip" for lawyers? I haven't personally talked to some lawyer or firm soliciting for such people but can tell you than when I see those ads & challenged them on that by responding, no one ever responded. That leads me to think that the poster is either a total liar or a moron. Neither category is a good place to be. Plus, I feel like in some cases this blog's a good screening tool. If you can't take someone who has opinions and a mind of their own + bothers to express them since silence is the same as condoning shadiness, I don't want to work with you or even know you. Save that crap for someone who doesn't mind being treated like a 5 year old. I'm not that person.
Hip Lawyer Please (TriBeCa)
Date: 2012-05-11, 12:49PM EDT
Reply to: xsmc2-3009506645@job.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Law office seeks motivated attorney to work with our foreign artists and creatives in attaining their work visas to the USA. We offer a boutique small firm environment, lack of dress code, informality and reject the corporate model to law firms, (lawyers are stiff enough)..
The most important qualities we are looking for are;
1 -strong, efficient and attentive writing skills,
2 -creativity and ability to work independently
3 -have an ear to the ground in regard to trends, fashion, culture and arts
4. an ability to incorporate their "hipness" (for lack of a better word) into our work, which is mostly persuasive writing and research
The position would be part time to begin (at least twice a week) as we determine the effectiveness of the role with real potential for advancement if results met and growth continues. Please send a resume/CV and a short explanation of why you feel you would be a good fit given our needs.
Compensation: hourly, commensurate with experience
This is a part-time job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 3009506645
Due to the nature of what I do & the fact that Craig's List is rife with scammers, I NEVER send personal details in responding to ads unless I've gotten the poster's personal details first. For one thing, there's vetting concerns. Second, I don't want someone asking me for entertainment advice (certainly not for free) or to pass a script to someone I know. I have far too much respect for my colleagues to bother them with such crap. Third, I don't want someone trying to establish a personal connection with me that I might not want to have. I network very carefully & don't deal with losers. I've also seen way too much BS (as you can read in prior entries) to take anyone seriously unless they actually answer my questions & follow MY directions.
If you're an employer who doesn't get this, then you're not one I want to deal with anyway. I evaluate you just as much as you evaluate me. Trust me, if you'd lived some of my experiences you'd do the very same thing.
In short, you can't be overly trusting of total strangers.
I've not heard anything from this one & while I may be a bit cynical as well as pessimistic, I think I'm probably right when I think I won't at all.
Here's why:
It's my theory that when a law firm says they want a "cool" or "hip" lawyer, they don't really want a cool or hip lawyer. To me, it feels just like what colleagues in the entertainment field have said about film execs who say they want something "different" but what they REALLY mean is "something that will make money but is different enough to not be a knock off of some already popular, money making film."
In the case of these firms, I think they mean they want someone who's still vanilla, bland & boring but keeps up with technology and watches television. If they really wanted "hip," I'd be hearing something. I challenged people I knew to find me a lawyer in NYC who is hipper than me. Someone who's got their own humorous rant blog, says some of the things I say, could care less about impressing anyone & defies lawyer stereotypes in the same manner I do. I've yet to find that person. If I did, that person would have to be my friend by default. I'll guarantee you none have made the sort of impression I make. People know me by my hair.
I found out at a NYCLA networking event I went to a while back that I was being identified as a redhead. That & working in the entertainment field. I'd also dare you to find someone less impressed with hierarchy or sucking up to other attorneys.
Am I right about this definition of "hip" for lawyers? I haven't personally talked to some lawyer or firm soliciting for such people but can tell you than when I see those ads & challenged them on that by responding, no one ever responded. That leads me to think that the poster is either a total liar or a moron. Neither category is a good place to be. Plus, I feel like in some cases this blog's a good screening tool. If you can't take someone who has opinions and a mind of their own + bothers to express them since silence is the same as condoning shadiness, I don't want to work with you or even know you. Save that crap for someone who doesn't mind being treated like a 5 year old. I'm not that person.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
If You're Going to Perform, Bring Your A-Game & Clean Yourself!
One issue a NYC resident you'd actually want something to do with (no offense to those of you 1-25%ers who aren't assholes) consistently encounters is people using the subway as their personal platform. Some are selling candy, some are devout worshipers of their relevant faith, some are singing/acting/dancing & others are simply begging for money. I may have shared a few stories on these but in case I haven't, here are some of my most memorable ones:
* The guy on the horse. I was having a bad day at the time & he was on this horse costume. Not sure if he was on some person's back that was covered by this horse but he was so hilarious I was considering giving him some money. This is the only actual performer I've seen who made me laugh.
* The acting troupe doing Shakespeare. They were actually pretty good & as you know, I work in the business. Good enough for me to bring in for meetings, though? No one really fits my standards for such things since there's enough competition & I don't want a flood of people harassing me for revealing my identity in public.
* The off key singer annoying the hell out of us with his R&B performance. Another passenger starting mimicking this guy singing "I suck" & other such things. I felt like I was on Subway Idol & was thanking God this guy didn't know I worked in the industry. However, you'd have wanted to say "I work in this industry & you STINK! Don't give up your day job." I could also add being a semi-pro singer & knowing professional singers to that.
* The failed beggar. Occasionally, you'll find people coming into the car, telling you this poor pitiful tale of woe so others will give them money. Sometimes these people have kids on them (women only, I've noticed) but most of the time, it's men. I've seen quite a few of these but the most memorable was when I was on the train with a group of young black women who had apparently just gotten off work as well as a group of young black men sitting not far from them. They had to be late teens or early 20s.
As this older white guy come onto our car to share his sob story, one of these black youth says to his friend loudly "That guy is scamming people." He didn't directly confront the beggar but he totally shut that guy down. I thought "Intelligent Black Youth: 1, Scam Artist Beggar: 0." Not sure if those women being around had anything to do with it but that moment rocked. I'd love to see more of it.
If we didn't cover it, here's my basic policies on these categories:
1. Candy sellers: I have no problem with them. I think the MTA ought to hire them for this at a fair wage. I view it as a public service but only wish the sellers who get on my main train would have more selection. It's usually Welch's fruit snacks or peanut M&Ms. If you get some regular M&Ms or Twix bars like the one guy I bought from the one time at Union Square, I might be interested when I'm hungry & have a spare buck on me (yeah, they charge $1 for candy bars & 2 for $1 for the fruit snacks).
If you want to sell World's Finest, even better! Just make sure you have some nut free chocolate if you do. Heck, I think you'd make a killing selling World's Finest on the subway since I know I'm not the only person who loves their chocolate. The Boondocks even did an episode about this; go see it if you haven't.
2. Performers: Be fucking good at whatever you do, all right? It seems the good performers are never on my train. The most famous thing happening on ours was apparently some random woman taking her clothes off while some photographer with her quickly shot her picture & moved on. By the way, not something I support since you should at least give someone some warning so they can take their kids out or cover their eyes if they want. What next, are you going to fuck right on the subway floor in front of us?
I'd also think the hygiene issues would concern you (they DO concern me when I'm just wearing shorter shorts or a short skirt). While a live sex show might be interesting, I'm pretty sure it's illegal even if you film it. Not to mention invoking the wrath of angry parents & the God bothering graffiti artist I hope the cops have shut down (they have been more present in our area lately; I hope they're also cracking down on the assholes who don't clean their dogs' poop off the sidewalk, leaving it for unsuspecting pedestrians to step in).
Aside from all this, treat your performance as though you were on a stage in front of paying customers & as though casting directors were in the audience. Have some showmanship. Have some stage presence, charisma, charm, things that don't make people pissed off at you. Treat it seriously. If you suck, we DON'T want to hear or see it. This also isn't the time to put strangers on the spot & try putting them into your act. Unless the person's a plant, don't do it. We DON'T appreciate it & it WILL bother us.
Know your skills & be honest about them. This sort of thing isn't going to get you discovered. There, I said it. Pop music lore aside, I'm pretty sure those people were networking & hustling as well. They didn't just bug commuters on subway trains; they made sure they met the right people & took their work seriously.
3. Using babies/kids to elicit sympathy: This really pisses me off. I mean, super raging pisses me off. First off, I have a Psych degree so I know what you're up to with this (if someone knows you're using a psychological tactic, the tactic doesn't work on him/her). Second, I have a sister with a young child who's expecting her 3rd right now. She doesn't have a ton of money & her family is in financial struggle from time to time. Still, I can't imagine her standing on the side of the road panhandling while showing off her pregnant belly. I also know she'd not have begged for things with her kids with her. My own parents also had & still have financial struggle but you won't see them going to beg on street corners (in fact, my mom has commented on seeing beggars wearing nicer shoes than my father's & how that made her mad). So you get zero sympathy from me. Third, I'm childfree. You want to elicit my sympathy? Get a cat or dog. Then again, I'll accuse you of being a neglectful asshole & want the Humane Society to get that animal far away from you.
This sort of thing also really bothers me because I feel like it says you have zero pride & zero scruples to use someone that way. You aren't James Belushi in Curly Sue. You might have a heart of gold but we're never going to see it if you're just trying to take the easy way out & especially if you're going around with an iPhone. Plus, I hear James Belushi is a total scumbag in real life (my husband shared a tale with me about this that you can read in a previous entry).
I feel the same way about this as I do about parents using their kids to help steal from stores.
4. Telling a sob story: Okay, come up with something original. At least be funny & charming. THIS will motivate someone to care. Above all, don't have an iPhone or anything that looks "nice" (especially if it's nicer than what the average commuter on the line where you're doing this has). If you are doing that, you're going to make people angry & prove that you're just another scamming jerk. At least the "tell me off" guy was interesting. Learn, do something interesting. Hell, be honest. If you tell us you're going to use the money for booze & drugs, people may just give b/c they're impressed with your honesty.
Personally, I'm not inclined to support this sort of thing. For one thing, I've got negative net worth. If you don't have that, you're not worse off than I or millions of other people who have oppressive student loan debt that will follow us to the grave. I have even said that to folk when personally accosted on the street (which is against the law, by the way & I did tell someone that one evening; he pretended not to hear me, then backed off). Second, no one likes being personally accosted by strangers. Ever. Okay? Young women certainly don't since it conjures up all sorts of "stranger danger" issues. Psychological studies have shown that people are more inclined to help those that are more like them & if you aren't like them, they're not going to bother. They also don't help if they're rushed, in a bad mood or there's a lot of people around the situation.
For those thinking I'm a heartless bitch, well perhaps but I'm not a sucker. I don't mind giving food. If I have some, I don't mind sharing that. If it's my own cooking, I'll want feedback. Asking for food is okay: it makes me feel you really ARE in dire straits & aren't a lying scammer.
Doing it with kids though, doesn't make me feel anything. I'll just think you're teaching some horrible values & about my sister who isn't doing that kind of thing. I have more respect for women who become strippers or prostitutes to feed their kids as I don't know of any using their kids to get clients or bringing that work home to their kids by letting them watch or participate in some fashion. If they're doing drugs or drinking around them, then you're talking about the parent exposing the kids to drugs or alcohol, which can happen without the mother taking on those kinds of jobs. Totally separate issue.
Plus, there's other options besides pissing off commuters & issuing fake apologies for disturbing them. If you really were sorry for the inconvenience, you wouldn't be offering your spiel in the first place. How many signs do you see for organizations that help homeless people & outreach groups? At least try that first & LET them help you.
Lastly, DON'T STINK!!! Try washing off in a public bathroom, take care of the smelly areas. If we can smell you, we don't want to be near it. Also not a good idea to be stinky if you want to sell candy. That's not accomplishing that aim. I was once in a car with one of those accordion player groups & one of them had a baby that stank to high heaven. No joke. When that kid was away from me, it was fine but when that kid was sitting with his mom (seated right next to me) I had to turn my head away & STILL could smell the stank.
I ended up having to switch cars b/c the smell was that bad. Now I may not have kids but I have been around little kids before, both on the subway & in my personal life. I have never encountered a child that smelled & reeked like this one, even when one of my nephews or some other little kid needed a diaper change. More reasons for me to be mad at you & want you out of my presence quickly. Most of the typical NYC subway smells weren't even as bad as this so that's got to tell you something. Damn it, if you plan to use children as pawns CLEAN THEM!!!!!!!! That is all.
* The guy on the horse. I was having a bad day at the time & he was on this horse costume. Not sure if he was on some person's back that was covered by this horse but he was so hilarious I was considering giving him some money. This is the only actual performer I've seen who made me laugh.
* The acting troupe doing Shakespeare. They were actually pretty good & as you know, I work in the business. Good enough for me to bring in for meetings, though? No one really fits my standards for such things since there's enough competition & I don't want a flood of people harassing me for revealing my identity in public.
* The off key singer annoying the hell out of us with his R&B performance. Another passenger starting mimicking this guy singing "I suck" & other such things. I felt like I was on Subway Idol & was thanking God this guy didn't know I worked in the industry. However, you'd have wanted to say "I work in this industry & you STINK! Don't give up your day job." I could also add being a semi-pro singer & knowing professional singers to that.
* The failed beggar. Occasionally, you'll find people coming into the car, telling you this poor pitiful tale of woe so others will give them money. Sometimes these people have kids on them (women only, I've noticed) but most of the time, it's men. I've seen quite a few of these but the most memorable was when I was on the train with a group of young black women who had apparently just gotten off work as well as a group of young black men sitting not far from them. They had to be late teens or early 20s.
As this older white guy come onto our car to share his sob story, one of these black youth says to his friend loudly "That guy is scamming people." He didn't directly confront the beggar but he totally shut that guy down. I thought "Intelligent Black Youth: 1, Scam Artist Beggar: 0." Not sure if those women being around had anything to do with it but that moment rocked. I'd love to see more of it.
If we didn't cover it, here's my basic policies on these categories:
1. Candy sellers: I have no problem with them. I think the MTA ought to hire them for this at a fair wage. I view it as a public service but only wish the sellers who get on my main train would have more selection. It's usually Welch's fruit snacks or peanut M&Ms. If you get some regular M&Ms or Twix bars like the one guy I bought from the one time at Union Square, I might be interested when I'm hungry & have a spare buck on me (yeah, they charge $1 for candy bars & 2 for $1 for the fruit snacks).
If you want to sell World's Finest, even better! Just make sure you have some nut free chocolate if you do. Heck, I think you'd make a killing selling World's Finest on the subway since I know I'm not the only person who loves their chocolate. The Boondocks even did an episode about this; go see it if you haven't.
2. Performers: Be fucking good at whatever you do, all right? It seems the good performers are never on my train. The most famous thing happening on ours was apparently some random woman taking her clothes off while some photographer with her quickly shot her picture & moved on. By the way, not something I support since you should at least give someone some warning so they can take their kids out or cover their eyes if they want. What next, are you going to fuck right on the subway floor in front of us?
I'd also think the hygiene issues would concern you (they DO concern me when I'm just wearing shorter shorts or a short skirt). While a live sex show might be interesting, I'm pretty sure it's illegal even if you film it. Not to mention invoking the wrath of angry parents & the God bothering graffiti artist I hope the cops have shut down (they have been more present in our area lately; I hope they're also cracking down on the assholes who don't clean their dogs' poop off the sidewalk, leaving it for unsuspecting pedestrians to step in).
Aside from all this, treat your performance as though you were on a stage in front of paying customers & as though casting directors were in the audience. Have some showmanship. Have some stage presence, charisma, charm, things that don't make people pissed off at you. Treat it seriously. If you suck, we DON'T want to hear or see it. This also isn't the time to put strangers on the spot & try putting them into your act. Unless the person's a plant, don't do it. We DON'T appreciate it & it WILL bother us.
Know your skills & be honest about them. This sort of thing isn't going to get you discovered. There, I said it. Pop music lore aside, I'm pretty sure those people were networking & hustling as well. They didn't just bug commuters on subway trains; they made sure they met the right people & took their work seriously.
3. Using babies/kids to elicit sympathy: This really pisses me off. I mean, super raging pisses me off. First off, I have a Psych degree so I know what you're up to with this (if someone knows you're using a psychological tactic, the tactic doesn't work on him/her). Second, I have a sister with a young child who's expecting her 3rd right now. She doesn't have a ton of money & her family is in financial struggle from time to time. Still, I can't imagine her standing on the side of the road panhandling while showing off her pregnant belly. I also know she'd not have begged for things with her kids with her. My own parents also had & still have financial struggle but you won't see them going to beg on street corners (in fact, my mom has commented on seeing beggars wearing nicer shoes than my father's & how that made her mad). So you get zero sympathy from me. Third, I'm childfree. You want to elicit my sympathy? Get a cat or dog. Then again, I'll accuse you of being a neglectful asshole & want the Humane Society to get that animal far away from you.
This sort of thing also really bothers me because I feel like it says you have zero pride & zero scruples to use someone that way. You aren't James Belushi in Curly Sue. You might have a heart of gold but we're never going to see it if you're just trying to take the easy way out & especially if you're going around with an iPhone. Plus, I hear James Belushi is a total scumbag in real life (my husband shared a tale with me about this that you can read in a previous entry).
I feel the same way about this as I do about parents using their kids to help steal from stores.
4. Telling a sob story: Okay, come up with something original. At least be funny & charming. THIS will motivate someone to care. Above all, don't have an iPhone or anything that looks "nice" (especially if it's nicer than what the average commuter on the line where you're doing this has). If you are doing that, you're going to make people angry & prove that you're just another scamming jerk. At least the "tell me off" guy was interesting. Learn, do something interesting. Hell, be honest. If you tell us you're going to use the money for booze & drugs, people may just give b/c they're impressed with your honesty.
Personally, I'm not inclined to support this sort of thing. For one thing, I've got negative net worth. If you don't have that, you're not worse off than I or millions of other people who have oppressive student loan debt that will follow us to the grave. I have even said that to folk when personally accosted on the street (which is against the law, by the way & I did tell someone that one evening; he pretended not to hear me, then backed off). Second, no one likes being personally accosted by strangers. Ever. Okay? Young women certainly don't since it conjures up all sorts of "stranger danger" issues. Psychological studies have shown that people are more inclined to help those that are more like them & if you aren't like them, they're not going to bother. They also don't help if they're rushed, in a bad mood or there's a lot of people around the situation.
For those thinking I'm a heartless bitch, well perhaps but I'm not a sucker. I don't mind giving food. If I have some, I don't mind sharing that. If it's my own cooking, I'll want feedback. Asking for food is okay: it makes me feel you really ARE in dire straits & aren't a lying scammer.
Doing it with kids though, doesn't make me feel anything. I'll just think you're teaching some horrible values & about my sister who isn't doing that kind of thing. I have more respect for women who become strippers or prostitutes to feed their kids as I don't know of any using their kids to get clients or bringing that work home to their kids by letting them watch or participate in some fashion. If they're doing drugs or drinking around them, then you're talking about the parent exposing the kids to drugs or alcohol, which can happen without the mother taking on those kinds of jobs. Totally separate issue.
Plus, there's other options besides pissing off commuters & issuing fake apologies for disturbing them. If you really were sorry for the inconvenience, you wouldn't be offering your spiel in the first place. How many signs do you see for organizations that help homeless people & outreach groups? At least try that first & LET them help you.
Lastly, DON'T STINK!!! Try washing off in a public bathroom, take care of the smelly areas. If we can smell you, we don't want to be near it. Also not a good idea to be stinky if you want to sell candy. That's not accomplishing that aim. I was once in a car with one of those accordion player groups & one of them had a baby that stank to high heaven. No joke. When that kid was away from me, it was fine but when that kid was sitting with his mom (seated right next to me) I had to turn my head away & STILL could smell the stank.
I ended up having to switch cars b/c the smell was that bad. Now I may not have kids but I have been around little kids before, both on the subway & in my personal life. I have never encountered a child that smelled & reeked like this one, even when one of my nephews or some other little kid needed a diaper change. More reasons for me to be mad at you & want you out of my presence quickly. Most of the typical NYC subway smells weren't even as bad as this so that's got to tell you something. Damn it, if you plan to use children as pawns CLEAN THEM!!!!!!!! That is all.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Turning Lawyer Applicants Into Indentured Servants & A Serious Lesson in Business Etiquette
So, if you've done your homework before reading this blog you know that I have 2 different core audiences in the professional world: attorneys & entertainment professionals. This one's going to have something for both (though this is still ultimately the place where I can be myself; if you're fortunate enough to do this, you really should).
First off, NY state is soon to be the very first state in the US to require all new attorneys to undergo 50 hours of pro bono work before being admitted to the bar & provide certification of this to the bar examiners. This article is a good overview on the issue & addresses some things.
However, I feel the need to comment since I don't think it goes far enough & doesn't cover things I've said:
1. You may know I'm doing my first stint of Monday Night Law this year. If you read one of my earlier entries, you read about a conversation I overheard about someone being turned down for pro bono work she actually wanted to do & cared about b/c the organization only wanted BigLaw attorneys trying to meet their pro bono requirement.
Now what about these aspiring lawyers? They're not going to have malpractice insurance to cover them. If these organizations are so strapped for cash, they can't cover experienced attorneys volunteering then how are they going to cover these new folks?
2. Why should new attorneys get to be involved in programs to "get experience" when there are tons of unemployed attorneys who could use it? What about the attorneys who actually WANT to be there getting the experience & feeling good about doing it? Don't they count?
3. Let's expand on that that whole "reluctant volunteer" issue: many of these volunteer projects won't take new attorneys. Monday Night Law doesn't take attorneys admitted less than 2 years. Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts won't take you unless you've been a lawyer for 7 years (I'm heading into my 5th year, even though I've been doing far more in this business than their majority BigLaw volunteers probably have; reading Yelp reviews of them also makes me adamant about never recommending anyone I know there). Presumably, you want to take on pro bono work that might have relevance to what you want to do, right? Or maybe you'd like to do something you'd actually, oh I don't know, ENJOY?
What if there's no opportunity for that? Then what? Are we now subjecting people who can't afford legal counsel to bitter, miserable law students/graduates who are only there to get this pro bono requirement met & could care less about their problems or them as people? The requirement doesn't say "50 hours of pro bono work where you built rapport with clients" or "50 hours of pro bono work where you helped clients w/their matters." It just says "50 hours of pro bono work." Not a word about the quality of it.
I would hope that the students commenting on this article are right about people caring about using their schooling to help others but I can't help but wonder about the elitist types who don't want to be there, are miserable & will take it out on any organization they work with as well as any clients walking in the door. You know there are some.
I personally CHOSE what I did & don't regret it. Working at my school's legal clinic proved to me that I wasn't really cut out for the politics & craziness of a law firm. The helping people aspect was great (and that makes a lawyer feel better since if you're not in charge or a veteran lawyer, you're often made to feel useless, incompetent & like you've got a permanent case of two left feet or foot in mouth disease). The life lessons & war stories were great truths I use to this day. However, the stories I heard about law firms & the time I was yelled at by one of our professors in the second phase of my work there were enough for me to say "Nope, not happening for me."
There are some projects I would have no interest or desire in doing. Helping someone convicted of many sorts of crimes is one (rape, animal abuse, neglecting children, hate crimes, etc.). Anything dealing with illegal immigrants is another. I have some very personal beliefs on these subjects that would make representation by me not only ineffective but verboten under ethics rules (attorneys can't take cases where they will not be able to provide zealous advocacy or effective counsel due to personal biases, religious beliefs, etc.). If you have to subject someone to a more rigorous screening process than you would for something where you don't have personal biases, then you can't effectively counsel him/her.
These are some of the individuals lawyers come in contact with & the people society doesn't like or approve of do need legal counsel. However, I know there are certain cases I can't take & certain projects I wouldn't be a fit for. I'm sure there are attorneys who wouldn't be able to deal with some of the matters I have but that's why there's a little something for everyone. At least, when you're licensed.
4. Some schools apparently have some very competitive clinic & internship/externship programs. Fortunately, I didn't attend such a law school but I've read about places where if you aren't on law review or top of the class you won't get into any of the law school programs. If you're in that boat, then what do you do? Again, there's that problem of not getting the opportunity you want & being forced into something where you & everyone around you will be miserable.
I have to wonder if this is a "do good" way to project yet more elitism into NY bar admissions. No one's going to say "Oh, it's a bad idea to require lawyers to help the less fortunate," but if you're dealing with a lower ranked student at one of these schools with a competitive clinic/internship/externship program who then has no ability to meet the requirement (presuming the outside organizations also try instituting grade requirements, which isn't uncommon at some places & especially considering nearly all the decision makers in the legal field view GPA/class rank as the only way to determine one's value as a human being), you've just shut out the attorneys who are ranked lower in the class. You see where I might get that notion & why it could raise hackles?
5. Then, to get away from the issues I took with this requirement was the point brought up by many about the whole notion of indentured servitude of lawyers. In case you haven't heard, the legal job market sucks for new grads. Even BigLaw isn't taking all the top GPA/law review members & starting a business without money, contacts, etc. is extremely hard. Some of us are good hustlers. Some of us are great at networking. Some of us can get breaks by doing this stuff.
However, you can be a good networker & still have problems in this economy. You can't MAKE someone give you a job or an opportunity. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Plain & simple.
So I do think the people pointing out this being indentured servitude that the folk imposing this aren't going to have to do personally do make a good point. It does seem like you shouldn't outsource your own pro bono duties or even duties to help society/your fellow man in general to the attorney applicants, who really have no say in the matter & can't object.
In sum, I think it's a noble idea but misguided. You can't really force anyone to be a good citizen. It's either there or it isn't. Kind of like what my law school Ethics professor said in class. He said he couldn't instill Ethics into us as 20 somethings & either we had ethics or we didn't. Same goes for this. You've either got a sense of altruism & care about helping people or you don't. I don't think this requirement is going to make a selfish, elitist scumbag become Mother Teresa all of a sudden.
Plus, the people imposing this requirement ignore the issue of classism among the poor. Those people will know in a second if some aspiring NY bar applicant is being patronizing or just there to collect hours vs. really caring about their issue, empathetic to that client & "gets" it. It is a different world & if you don't brief people on it, they will give off a terrible impression to the client + may even discourage that client from ever seeking out a lawyer again. We know not everyone involved in pro bono projects cares about the work or the people coming for help.
So, that's a special lawyer issue that is definitely important to the community at large & I'd love to know what non-lawyers think about it, especially those who'd likely have to go to these organizations to get legal representation. I wonder if the Chief Justice is taking statements from those people directly; if not, he should consider them.
Now, we're going to look at business etiquette. Consider the following scenario:
You have an e-mail account that is not available to the general public. The only acceptable way someone would get the address is by A) getting your business card or headshot/resume (most likely from you), B) being a member of a bar association or networking group you belong to i.e. an attorney or entertainment professional, C) you initiating contact with the person.
I say "acceptable" to mean a method where it was okay for the person to reach out to you. Those who have this e-mail also know not to pass your information along without asking you first. The majority of your contacts are attorneys, entertainment professionals working behind the scenes or people you've told not to spread your info around without asking.
Attorneys & entertainment professionals generally don't share your info without asking since they get hassled enough by strangers & if they share your info without asking, they know you could (and probably would) do it right back to them. If they do it to lots of people, they will effectively get blackballed. Everyone knows this.
Another fact about this e-mail account: your full name is not associated with it. That means if you sent an e-mail to someone using it, they would not get your name unless you put it in there. You're extremely conscientious & paranoid about giving out your name to strangers since you come up first in a Google search. So, this account is one of those insider things.
Rule #1: Do NOT use a "secret" e-mail, phone number, fax number, screen name or social media account to contact a stranger. Assume a 98% chance that you will piss off that stranger. This is why getting lists of contacts for the entertainment industry doesn't really work if you don't have a personal friend/contact of that stranger that will vouch for you.
The same goes for lawyers who don't have law firms. Don't contact lawyer/film execs through a secret means. Secret means you wouldn't find it in an online search & have no one to vouch for you.
Rule #2: If you spam someone, be prepared to tell the person how you got that secret means of communication, apologize & take what's coming to you. You ARE in the wrong. Make no mistake about it.
Rule #3: If you're going to send your newsletters/updates/impersonal correspondence to a stranger, be prepared to accept any such correspondence that stranger may send. This includes information about fundraising campaigns for films, newsletters & any other business correspondence. If you want someone to care about YOUR company/updates/life, you'll have to do the same for your recipients. This is life.
Rule #4: If the stranger reaches out to you about networking & says you may be a useful contact (especially where that strangers is someone who could hire your clients), you seize that opportunity to be friendly. If that person was someone you chose to target with your materials, any rational person would conclude that you are open to networking with said person. After all, why waste your time with people you don't see an opportunity in dealing with?
Rule #5: Follow up with people who could hire your clients or otherwise help your business. To only look at the present time & not the long term future is stupid. For those in the entertainment field: not networking with entertainment lawyers is stupid, presumptuous & will screw you sooner or later.
Most entertainment folk know better than to snub lawyers; even your newest actors tend to be at least polite to entertainment law attorneys. As one person told me once, we serve a useful & important function. Don't you fucking forget it; if you're going to do anything professionally in entertainment, you will need us. It's just a matter of time. Find someone who makes a living in the entertainment field who doesn't have a lawyer or an agent/manager who is a licensed attorney. I dare you.
And as you don't piss off entertainment lawyers in general, you don't piss off someone who knows a lot of attorneys & has extensive contacts in entertainment law. Guess who most of my lawyer contacts are? Entertainment law attorneys. Common interests, people.
I also look out for my friends & if I hear they're going to be working with someone I know is a jerk, I'll be saying something.
Back to the scenario:
You get a newsletter from a total stranger in this "secret" e-mail account. It contains your full name in the Recipient line. You don't know the name in any context. This isn't a LinkedIn contact, a member of a LinkedIn group, a business contact, a lawyer or someone who'd have a legitimate reason to have your e-mail. Nor did this person acknowledge that they're sending you this thing & don't know you.
In doing your homework, you learn this person could be a good contact & might be able to answer a simple informational question. Sort of a cross between informational interview & "What's it like to do X?" inquiry. You get a response by phone then send your info so the person can do their research on you.
You hear nothing. Then, you take an opportunity to meet this spammer/potentially useful contact in person. Figuring maybe this person's busy, you're not too phased with a lack of response to your e-mail. After all, you know people in this stranger's line of work tend to be busy.
When you hear this person speak, you get an impression of competence & the person does have some sense of humor.
However, you ask this person directly about what you wrote in e-mail & guess what the stranger does? The stranger attempts to recruit you for one on one time & charge you money for it.
Remember, this person reached out to YOU & had no way of having your private e-mail account. You asked everyone who had that personal e-mail that may have dealt with this stranger & no one knew this person. Presuming professionals aren't going to send out your info for you to get spammed & that these individuals have no personal animus toward you to get your name added onto a spam list, you have to conclude that the stranger is not only a spammer but a total asshole. This was NOT you making first contact & then trying to get a freebie.
Who was this person, you may ask? Well, as I feel it's my duty to inform those I know in the business about professionalism & counter the BS where I can I'll tell you. That would be Jenn Lederer of The Dream Management. Her competence is not a concern for me (the typical reason I'd not work with someone in this business). It's her lack of business etiquette.
I also wonder how much respect she actually has for lawyers considering when I saw her speak, she told actors to see about getting a writing to get reel footage for student films but that the filmmakers could choose at their leisure whether to give it up or not. Not wanting to announce to the entire room my entire resume or background, I thought loudly "That's a contract! If these people don't act, the performer could sue & maybe even get an injunction against the film getting a distribution deal, going to festivals, etc. At the very least, they might be able to get some money. Depends on what this contract says & what you include or not."
I've also told people not to waste their time with anyone who won't sign contracts or freaks out when you mention discussing the work with your lawyer or manager since that shouts "unprofessional." Even on my company's no budget, no name films you'd better believe there were contracts. That "smile & a handshake" stuff doesn't cut it if you want to be a working professional in entertainment. No professional I've met has EVER said this to an actor & or devalued lawyers in this way.
This leads to Rule #6, which is especially for renaissance people: various careers or sides of a person don't exist in a vacuum. If you think I'm not going to use knowledge I get about you in the context of my film company work or legal work, then woe unto you. Treat me like shit in some other context & like every single other professional who works behind the scenes in entertainment, I will take notes & make sure you're not subjecting my team to your crap. We have no patience or time to be magnanimous, nor should that be expected of us. Demanding it from us definitely won't get you anywhere. That's why such complaints don't impress me.
My lawyer side doesn't vanish just because I'm doing an acting gig. That producer trainee/film exec side doesn't go away if I'm at a lawyer event. I watch how you conduct yourself, how you treat people, what you say, etc. Renaissance people are the people you'd better be impressing hardest since we ARE doing so much stuff & probably have more contacts among so many areas than the average person. We could help you or we could ruin you.
I'm hardly an unreasonable person, overly sensitive or insist on ego stroking but don't you find that screwed up? I don't even know of an attorney charging law grads, new lawyers or anyone else for informational interviews or networking meetings (and you'd expect that from the dreaded lawyers; hell, I could make a fortune from it if I were an asshole). I could guarantee most lawyers' busy schedules would put her own schedule to shame, no matter how busy she is. I also wrote her the next day to mention these truths to her (I also mentioned being from NC & having friends + family living there considering she'd claimed people in NC had no souls during her talk to see if she gets that maybe I'd find it offensive).
If she apologized, it would be all good but since she has not, I'm afraid her actors won't be working with my company. After all, if she's that disrespectful to me a.k.a. "the enforcer," how's she going to treat a producer or director? Is she just going to further actor/director conflicts vs. helping find a solution? That's what I feel like she'd end up doing.
I should however, thank the acting coach who had her speak since I likely wouldn't have been able to have that conversation in any other forum & it saved me a lot of time and headaches. John Pallotta, you're awesome (and he is, really).
So kids, you violate business etiquette at your own peril. If you think you don't need to learn it, think again. Remember, I'm one of those easygoing, non-asshole lawyers who acts like a real person. Imagine how I'd react to this if I were a stereotypical lawyer. Imagine if she were a law firm associate pulling this mess with a law firm partner.
First off, NY state is soon to be the very first state in the US to require all new attorneys to undergo 50 hours of pro bono work before being admitted to the bar & provide certification of this to the bar examiners. This article is a good overview on the issue & addresses some things.
However, I feel the need to comment since I don't think it goes far enough & doesn't cover things I've said:
1. You may know I'm doing my first stint of Monday Night Law this year. If you read one of my earlier entries, you read about a conversation I overheard about someone being turned down for pro bono work she actually wanted to do & cared about b/c the organization only wanted BigLaw attorneys trying to meet their pro bono requirement.
Now what about these aspiring lawyers? They're not going to have malpractice insurance to cover them. If these organizations are so strapped for cash, they can't cover experienced attorneys volunteering then how are they going to cover these new folks?
2. Why should new attorneys get to be involved in programs to "get experience" when there are tons of unemployed attorneys who could use it? What about the attorneys who actually WANT to be there getting the experience & feeling good about doing it? Don't they count?
3. Let's expand on that that whole "reluctant volunteer" issue: many of these volunteer projects won't take new attorneys. Monday Night Law doesn't take attorneys admitted less than 2 years. Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts won't take you unless you've been a lawyer for 7 years (I'm heading into my 5th year, even though I've been doing far more in this business than their majority BigLaw volunteers probably have; reading Yelp reviews of them also makes me adamant about never recommending anyone I know there). Presumably, you want to take on pro bono work that might have relevance to what you want to do, right? Or maybe you'd like to do something you'd actually, oh I don't know, ENJOY?
What if there's no opportunity for that? Then what? Are we now subjecting people who can't afford legal counsel to bitter, miserable law students/graduates who are only there to get this pro bono requirement met & could care less about their problems or them as people? The requirement doesn't say "50 hours of pro bono work where you built rapport with clients" or "50 hours of pro bono work where you helped clients w/their matters." It just says "50 hours of pro bono work." Not a word about the quality of it.
I would hope that the students commenting on this article are right about people caring about using their schooling to help others but I can't help but wonder about the elitist types who don't want to be there, are miserable & will take it out on any organization they work with as well as any clients walking in the door. You know there are some.
I personally CHOSE what I did & don't regret it. Working at my school's legal clinic proved to me that I wasn't really cut out for the politics & craziness of a law firm. The helping people aspect was great (and that makes a lawyer feel better since if you're not in charge or a veteran lawyer, you're often made to feel useless, incompetent & like you've got a permanent case of two left feet or foot in mouth disease). The life lessons & war stories were great truths I use to this day. However, the stories I heard about law firms & the time I was yelled at by one of our professors in the second phase of my work there were enough for me to say "Nope, not happening for me."
There are some projects I would have no interest or desire in doing. Helping someone convicted of many sorts of crimes is one (rape, animal abuse, neglecting children, hate crimes, etc.). Anything dealing with illegal immigrants is another. I have some very personal beliefs on these subjects that would make representation by me not only ineffective but verboten under ethics rules (attorneys can't take cases where they will not be able to provide zealous advocacy or effective counsel due to personal biases, religious beliefs, etc.). If you have to subject someone to a more rigorous screening process than you would for something where you don't have personal biases, then you can't effectively counsel him/her.
These are some of the individuals lawyers come in contact with & the people society doesn't like or approve of do need legal counsel. However, I know there are certain cases I can't take & certain projects I wouldn't be a fit for. I'm sure there are attorneys who wouldn't be able to deal with some of the matters I have but that's why there's a little something for everyone. At least, when you're licensed.
4. Some schools apparently have some very competitive clinic & internship/externship programs. Fortunately, I didn't attend such a law school but I've read about places where if you aren't on law review or top of the class you won't get into any of the law school programs. If you're in that boat, then what do you do? Again, there's that problem of not getting the opportunity you want & being forced into something where you & everyone around you will be miserable.
I have to wonder if this is a "do good" way to project yet more elitism into NY bar admissions. No one's going to say "Oh, it's a bad idea to require lawyers to help the less fortunate," but if you're dealing with a lower ranked student at one of these schools with a competitive clinic/internship/externship program who then has no ability to meet the requirement (presuming the outside organizations also try instituting grade requirements, which isn't uncommon at some places & especially considering nearly all the decision makers in the legal field view GPA/class rank as the only way to determine one's value as a human being), you've just shut out the attorneys who are ranked lower in the class. You see where I might get that notion & why it could raise hackles?
5. Then, to get away from the issues I took with this requirement was the point brought up by many about the whole notion of indentured servitude of lawyers. In case you haven't heard, the legal job market sucks for new grads. Even BigLaw isn't taking all the top GPA/law review members & starting a business without money, contacts, etc. is extremely hard. Some of us are good hustlers. Some of us are great at networking. Some of us can get breaks by doing this stuff.
However, you can be a good networker & still have problems in this economy. You can't MAKE someone give you a job or an opportunity. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Plain & simple.
So I do think the people pointing out this being indentured servitude that the folk imposing this aren't going to have to do personally do make a good point. It does seem like you shouldn't outsource your own pro bono duties or even duties to help society/your fellow man in general to the attorney applicants, who really have no say in the matter & can't object.
In sum, I think it's a noble idea but misguided. You can't really force anyone to be a good citizen. It's either there or it isn't. Kind of like what my law school Ethics professor said in class. He said he couldn't instill Ethics into us as 20 somethings & either we had ethics or we didn't. Same goes for this. You've either got a sense of altruism & care about helping people or you don't. I don't think this requirement is going to make a selfish, elitist scumbag become Mother Teresa all of a sudden.
Plus, the people imposing this requirement ignore the issue of classism among the poor. Those people will know in a second if some aspiring NY bar applicant is being patronizing or just there to collect hours vs. really caring about their issue, empathetic to that client & "gets" it. It is a different world & if you don't brief people on it, they will give off a terrible impression to the client + may even discourage that client from ever seeking out a lawyer again. We know not everyone involved in pro bono projects cares about the work or the people coming for help.
So, that's a special lawyer issue that is definitely important to the community at large & I'd love to know what non-lawyers think about it, especially those who'd likely have to go to these organizations to get legal representation. I wonder if the Chief Justice is taking statements from those people directly; if not, he should consider them.
Now, we're going to look at business etiquette. Consider the following scenario:
You have an e-mail account that is not available to the general public. The only acceptable way someone would get the address is by A) getting your business card or headshot/resume (most likely from you), B) being a member of a bar association or networking group you belong to i.e. an attorney or entertainment professional, C) you initiating contact with the person.
I say "acceptable" to mean a method where it was okay for the person to reach out to you. Those who have this e-mail also know not to pass your information along without asking you first. The majority of your contacts are attorneys, entertainment professionals working behind the scenes or people you've told not to spread your info around without asking.
Attorneys & entertainment professionals generally don't share your info without asking since they get hassled enough by strangers & if they share your info without asking, they know you could (and probably would) do it right back to them. If they do it to lots of people, they will effectively get blackballed. Everyone knows this.
Another fact about this e-mail account: your full name is not associated with it. That means if you sent an e-mail to someone using it, they would not get your name unless you put it in there. You're extremely conscientious & paranoid about giving out your name to strangers since you come up first in a Google search. So, this account is one of those insider things.
Rule #1: Do NOT use a "secret" e-mail, phone number, fax number, screen name or social media account to contact a stranger. Assume a 98% chance that you will piss off that stranger. This is why getting lists of contacts for the entertainment industry doesn't really work if you don't have a personal friend/contact of that stranger that will vouch for you.
The same goes for lawyers who don't have law firms. Don't contact lawyer/film execs through a secret means. Secret means you wouldn't find it in an online search & have no one to vouch for you.
Rule #2: If you spam someone, be prepared to tell the person how you got that secret means of communication, apologize & take what's coming to you. You ARE in the wrong. Make no mistake about it.
Rule #3: If you're going to send your newsletters/updates/impersonal correspondence to a stranger, be prepared to accept any such correspondence that stranger may send. This includes information about fundraising campaigns for films, newsletters & any other business correspondence. If you want someone to care about YOUR company/updates/life, you'll have to do the same for your recipients. This is life.
Rule #4: If the stranger reaches out to you about networking & says you may be a useful contact (especially where that strangers is someone who could hire your clients), you seize that opportunity to be friendly. If that person was someone you chose to target with your materials, any rational person would conclude that you are open to networking with said person. After all, why waste your time with people you don't see an opportunity in dealing with?
Rule #5: Follow up with people who could hire your clients or otherwise help your business. To only look at the present time & not the long term future is stupid. For those in the entertainment field: not networking with entertainment lawyers is stupid, presumptuous & will screw you sooner or later.
Most entertainment folk know better than to snub lawyers; even your newest actors tend to be at least polite to entertainment law attorneys. As one person told me once, we serve a useful & important function. Don't you fucking forget it; if you're going to do anything professionally in entertainment, you will need us. It's just a matter of time. Find someone who makes a living in the entertainment field who doesn't have a lawyer or an agent/manager who is a licensed attorney. I dare you.
And as you don't piss off entertainment lawyers in general, you don't piss off someone who knows a lot of attorneys & has extensive contacts in entertainment law. Guess who most of my lawyer contacts are? Entertainment law attorneys. Common interests, people.
I also look out for my friends & if I hear they're going to be working with someone I know is a jerk, I'll be saying something.
Back to the scenario:
You get a newsletter from a total stranger in this "secret" e-mail account. It contains your full name in the Recipient line. You don't know the name in any context. This isn't a LinkedIn contact, a member of a LinkedIn group, a business contact, a lawyer or someone who'd have a legitimate reason to have your e-mail. Nor did this person acknowledge that they're sending you this thing & don't know you.
In doing your homework, you learn this person could be a good contact & might be able to answer a simple informational question. Sort of a cross between informational interview & "What's it like to do X?" inquiry. You get a response by phone then send your info so the person can do their research on you.
You hear nothing. Then, you take an opportunity to meet this spammer/potentially useful contact in person. Figuring maybe this person's busy, you're not too phased with a lack of response to your e-mail. After all, you know people in this stranger's line of work tend to be busy.
When you hear this person speak, you get an impression of competence & the person does have some sense of humor.
However, you ask this person directly about what you wrote in e-mail & guess what the stranger does? The stranger attempts to recruit you for one on one time & charge you money for it.
Remember, this person reached out to YOU & had no way of having your private e-mail account. You asked everyone who had that personal e-mail that may have dealt with this stranger & no one knew this person. Presuming professionals aren't going to send out your info for you to get spammed & that these individuals have no personal animus toward you to get your name added onto a spam list, you have to conclude that the stranger is not only a spammer but a total asshole. This was NOT you making first contact & then trying to get a freebie.
Who was this person, you may ask? Well, as I feel it's my duty to inform those I know in the business about professionalism & counter the BS where I can I'll tell you. That would be Jenn Lederer of The Dream Management. Her competence is not a concern for me (the typical reason I'd not work with someone in this business). It's her lack of business etiquette.
I also wonder how much respect she actually has for lawyers considering when I saw her speak, she told actors to see about getting a writing to get reel footage for student films but that the filmmakers could choose at their leisure whether to give it up or not. Not wanting to announce to the entire room my entire resume or background, I thought loudly "That's a contract! If these people don't act, the performer could sue & maybe even get an injunction against the film getting a distribution deal, going to festivals, etc. At the very least, they might be able to get some money. Depends on what this contract says & what you include or not."
I've also told people not to waste their time with anyone who won't sign contracts or freaks out when you mention discussing the work with your lawyer or manager since that shouts "unprofessional." Even on my company's no budget, no name films you'd better believe there were contracts. That "smile & a handshake" stuff doesn't cut it if you want to be a working professional in entertainment. No professional I've met has EVER said this to an actor & or devalued lawyers in this way.
This leads to Rule #6, which is especially for renaissance people: various careers or sides of a person don't exist in a vacuum. If you think I'm not going to use knowledge I get about you in the context of my film company work or legal work, then woe unto you. Treat me like shit in some other context & like every single other professional who works behind the scenes in entertainment, I will take notes & make sure you're not subjecting my team to your crap. We have no patience or time to be magnanimous, nor should that be expected of us. Demanding it from us definitely won't get you anywhere. That's why such complaints don't impress me.
My lawyer side doesn't vanish just because I'm doing an acting gig. That producer trainee/film exec side doesn't go away if I'm at a lawyer event. I watch how you conduct yourself, how you treat people, what you say, etc. Renaissance people are the people you'd better be impressing hardest since we ARE doing so much stuff & probably have more contacts among so many areas than the average person. We could help you or we could ruin you.
I'm hardly an unreasonable person, overly sensitive or insist on ego stroking but don't you find that screwed up? I don't even know of an attorney charging law grads, new lawyers or anyone else for informational interviews or networking meetings (and you'd expect that from the dreaded lawyers; hell, I could make a fortune from it if I were an asshole). I could guarantee most lawyers' busy schedules would put her own schedule to shame, no matter how busy she is. I also wrote her the next day to mention these truths to her (I also mentioned being from NC & having friends + family living there considering she'd claimed people in NC had no souls during her talk to see if she gets that maybe I'd find it offensive).
If she apologized, it would be all good but since she has not, I'm afraid her actors won't be working with my company. After all, if she's that disrespectful to me a.k.a. "the enforcer," how's she going to treat a producer or director? Is she just going to further actor/director conflicts vs. helping find a solution? That's what I feel like she'd end up doing.
I should however, thank the acting coach who had her speak since I likely wouldn't have been able to have that conversation in any other forum & it saved me a lot of time and headaches. John Pallotta, you're awesome (and he is, really).
So kids, you violate business etiquette at your own peril. If you think you don't need to learn it, think again. Remember, I'm one of those easygoing, non-asshole lawyers who acts like a real person. Imagine how I'd react to this if I were a stereotypical lawyer. Imagine if she were a law firm associate pulling this mess with a law firm partner.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
How to Ask Lawyers for Legal Help (Or For Professional Services in General)
Those of you who are lawyers are bound to appreciate this. In fact, anyone who's constantly being bombarded with expertise requests where strangers ask for freebies are going to love this one.
If you remember, I'd pretty much not bothered with doing much legal representation since some very horrible experiences with clients taking advantage of me by not paying me for my services & treating me with disrespect. Other people just went MIA but they're not part of this discussion. Those things I mentioned are huge in creating ill will & making a lawyer really hate the general public.
Very recently, I found myself the recipient of referrals & requests on legal stuff. I even read this article that discusses why attorneys shouldn't be working for free, even in this bad economy. Before that, I was talking to an acclaimed acting coach who's worked with celebrities & we got into this very conversation about people asking for freebies.
Let's make a few things clear right off the bat:
1. My legal expertise is a personal thing connected to ME, the person. I don't work at a law firm or own one so if you want me to do you a personal favor, you'd better be taking a personal interest in ME.
How can you do this? You could follow me on Twitter (or at least follow me back if I follow you, which rarely happens; otherwise, I get pissed since that's a form of disrespect in my book & I don't reach out to just anyone there). You could send me a LinkedIn connection request. Even though I don't prefer this, you could even send me a Facebook friend request.
You could also read this blog. In fact, I strongly encourage people wishing to network with me to read this blog since it will tell you whether I'm the right fit for you. If my having a personality & not judging others is an issue for you, I'd rather you not waste my time. If my having a backbone & a sense of ethics bothers you, you definitely don't need to be dealing with me. Trust me, it will save you a lot of time & headaches.
Making that personal effort is going to make me far more motivated to bother caring about your issue or helping you. When you don't do this, I've got zero motivation to care about you or your issues.
2. Do not ask for a freebie in someone's area of expertise (mine included). Unless you fall into one of the following categories, you will piss off any professional for doing so:
A) You're in a networking group with the professional where the professional has made a choice to help you. I myself don't mind doing this sort of thing for entertainment colleagues since I'm choosing to help or not.
B) You're participating in a volunteer project I'm part of. Attorneys have no problems with clients in an organization or program they've signed up to help people in. Most people pick causes they personally care about or have a connection to, though the fact that NY is going to impose a 50 hour minimum pro bono requirement as part of the admission process may very well change this.
I'd like to think, though that most attorneys doing those programs actually care about the people that come in. If they don't, they are pretty stupid & too masochistic for their own goods.
C) You're friends with that professional & not asking for something labor intensive or that takes up lots of time. Real friends don't take advantage that way. If you'd not be willing to do the professional equivalent for that friend, don't ask that of your friend. It will build resentment.
3. Don't make it personal. Attorneys in particular have strict rules & professional ethics requirements. We have to tell you that we're not your lawyer w/out a retainer agreement; we also have to put things in writing. If you don't like that, you're not capable of working with a professional & treating that person with respect. These are standard to my industry.
Any smart freelancer also puts their business transactions with clients in writing.
4. Be an adult. That means listening to what a professional has to say, thinking about what you're told & giving the person room to apply their expertise.
Some people will be collaborative with you & involve you (which I personally think is a good idea & like doing myself) but while you may be involved, that doesn't make you more skilled than the attorney. One experience prompted me not to represent anyone who thinks they're an attorney b/c they've had legal training that wasn't law school.
This also means treating the professional as you'd like to be treated. Would you want me undermining you or leaving you to hold the bag if I asked you about something? Want me to question your expertise at every turn? If that's not something you'd want one of your clients doing to you, then maybe you shouldn't be doing that to the lawyer (or whatever professional you're dealing with).
Attorneys in particular have been burned out by this mess. Your altruism & sense of compassion fades real quick after you get a client or two doing those sorts of things to you. If you think this doesn't happen, go talk to some attorneys & you'll get an education.
5. Finally, if you have another attorney involved in your company & you're using me so you don't have to pay his/her prices don't even bother unless you're offering equity and/or an in-house or junior attorney title. It's just offensive, insulting & creates confusion. If that attorney's not supervising me & is listed as "in-house counsel," then why am I present?
A newbie might be okay with "getting experience" but professionals don't need to do that so free work is nothing but slavery to them. Keep in mind that even new attorneys have a market value that's not $0.
If you remember nothing else from this, remember this: Don't ask professionals for freebies!
I also can't offer referrals to my attorney contacts if you want a freebie. If you genuinely can't afford legal services, then you either have to take what you can get (which may be a new attorney who is learning your area), go to a volunteer organization or do it yourself. Long time vets can offer to work with you or do a freebie but if you walk in asking them for one, they will get offended.
Attorneys & anyone with a high level skill aren't minimum wage workers. They are not slinging burgers or doing simple tasks a child could do. They are using professional expertise, likely acquired through tons of student loan debt & may have to pay a fortune to keep licenses. If you wouldn't pay your doctor the same rate you'd pay a Wal-Mart cashier, then you'd better not be doing that to a lawyer. I don't care how much you hate lawyers.
If you remember, I'd pretty much not bothered with doing much legal representation since some very horrible experiences with clients taking advantage of me by not paying me for my services & treating me with disrespect. Other people just went MIA but they're not part of this discussion. Those things I mentioned are huge in creating ill will & making a lawyer really hate the general public.
Very recently, I found myself the recipient of referrals & requests on legal stuff. I even read this article that discusses why attorneys shouldn't be working for free, even in this bad economy. Before that, I was talking to an acclaimed acting coach who's worked with celebrities & we got into this very conversation about people asking for freebies.
Let's make a few things clear right off the bat:
1. My legal expertise is a personal thing connected to ME, the person. I don't work at a law firm or own one so if you want me to do you a personal favor, you'd better be taking a personal interest in ME.
How can you do this? You could follow me on Twitter (or at least follow me back if I follow you, which rarely happens; otherwise, I get pissed since that's a form of disrespect in my book & I don't reach out to just anyone there). You could send me a LinkedIn connection request. Even though I don't prefer this, you could even send me a Facebook friend request.
You could also read this blog. In fact, I strongly encourage people wishing to network with me to read this blog since it will tell you whether I'm the right fit for you. If my having a personality & not judging others is an issue for you, I'd rather you not waste my time. If my having a backbone & a sense of ethics bothers you, you definitely don't need to be dealing with me. Trust me, it will save you a lot of time & headaches.
Making that personal effort is going to make me far more motivated to bother caring about your issue or helping you. When you don't do this, I've got zero motivation to care about you or your issues.
2. Do not ask for a freebie in someone's area of expertise (mine included). Unless you fall into one of the following categories, you will piss off any professional for doing so:
A) You're in a networking group with the professional where the professional has made a choice to help you. I myself don't mind doing this sort of thing for entertainment colleagues since I'm choosing to help or not.
B) You're participating in a volunteer project I'm part of. Attorneys have no problems with clients in an organization or program they've signed up to help people in. Most people pick causes they personally care about or have a connection to, though the fact that NY is going to impose a 50 hour minimum pro bono requirement as part of the admission process may very well change this.
I'd like to think, though that most attorneys doing those programs actually care about the people that come in. If they don't, they are pretty stupid & too masochistic for their own goods.
C) You're friends with that professional & not asking for something labor intensive or that takes up lots of time. Real friends don't take advantage that way. If you'd not be willing to do the professional equivalent for that friend, don't ask that of your friend. It will build resentment.
3. Don't make it personal. Attorneys in particular have strict rules & professional ethics requirements. We have to tell you that we're not your lawyer w/out a retainer agreement; we also have to put things in writing. If you don't like that, you're not capable of working with a professional & treating that person with respect. These are standard to my industry.
Any smart freelancer also puts their business transactions with clients in writing.
4. Be an adult. That means listening to what a professional has to say, thinking about what you're told & giving the person room to apply their expertise.
Some people will be collaborative with you & involve you (which I personally think is a good idea & like doing myself) but while you may be involved, that doesn't make you more skilled than the attorney. One experience prompted me not to represent anyone who thinks they're an attorney b/c they've had legal training that wasn't law school.
This also means treating the professional as you'd like to be treated. Would you want me undermining you or leaving you to hold the bag if I asked you about something? Want me to question your expertise at every turn? If that's not something you'd want one of your clients doing to you, then maybe you shouldn't be doing that to the lawyer (or whatever professional you're dealing with).
Attorneys in particular have been burned out by this mess. Your altruism & sense of compassion fades real quick after you get a client or two doing those sorts of things to you. If you think this doesn't happen, go talk to some attorneys & you'll get an education.
5. Finally, if you have another attorney involved in your company & you're using me so you don't have to pay his/her prices don't even bother unless you're offering equity and/or an in-house or junior attorney title. It's just offensive, insulting & creates confusion. If that attorney's not supervising me & is listed as "in-house counsel," then why am I present?
A newbie might be okay with "getting experience" but professionals don't need to do that so free work is nothing but slavery to them. Keep in mind that even new attorneys have a market value that's not $0.
If you remember nothing else from this, remember this: Don't ask professionals for freebies!
I also can't offer referrals to my attorney contacts if you want a freebie. If you genuinely can't afford legal services, then you either have to take what you can get (which may be a new attorney who is learning your area), go to a volunteer organization or do it yourself. Long time vets can offer to work with you or do a freebie but if you walk in asking them for one, they will get offended.
Attorneys & anyone with a high level skill aren't minimum wage workers. They are not slinging burgers or doing simple tasks a child could do. They are using professional expertise, likely acquired through tons of student loan debt & may have to pay a fortune to keep licenses. If you wouldn't pay your doctor the same rate you'd pay a Wal-Mart cashier, then you'd better not be doing that to a lawyer. I don't care how much you hate lawyers.
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