Saturday, February 22, 2014

When a Relationship Dies: That Limbo Between Separation and the Finalized Divorce

Have had so much going on lately but just so you haters know, whether you like it or not, you aren't keeping me down. This is nothing compared to the crap I went through before. I'll also challenge any one of you to be in my shoes & see how you manage. One friend told me recently that 9 out of 10 people in my position would have crumbled; I haven't. I also refuse to give certain assholes the satisfaction of any failure or suicide on my part.

Did you ever wake up to find out everything you thought you knew was a total lie? That's what the end of a marriage feels like, especially if you're on the receiving end of "we should get separated."

Due to the pathetic who can't just get a life & because life is far too short to be around anyone who's going to drag you down, I'm not going to get into specifics publicly but let's just say mine's not all that great though it could be much worse. For instance, at least I don't have kids. There may not be a time I've been happier to be childfree & having had a tubal ligation than this one. No kid should have to see what I've seen or go through a divorce. Just like every other relationship I ever had, the end of this one has broken down and gotten ugly.

One can also rest easy in the fact that businesses providing personal services are very familiar with folks getting separated & don't give you issues on splitting the billing and such. I've also found in talking to people that lots of them are either getting divorced themselves, recently got divorced or have been divorced before. I feel like there should be some sort of club or maybe a support group for divorced people. Does that exist, I wonder?

When I heard the words "it's time to get separated" and being told to leave b/c of my income status, my life felt like a movie someone had pressed the Pause button on. You'd better hope if you're on the receiving end that you can be resourceful, have some friends who care & the slightest bit of optimism. I at least have housing to stay in & won't become homeless.

Again, no one & nothing will be knocking me down especially someone who is far less resourceful, emotionally strong or self-sufficient. That's the attitude you have to have if you're going through a divorce; you can't let others win & no matter how much you want to, you have to accept the reality of the situation and move onward. You be a "young heart" running free, okay?

I feel like the men in our family seem to think that because my father is dead, they can treat us like shit & get zero repercussions. Infuriates me but I'll give one of them credit for not finding the things I'm going through remotely acceptable.

Shortly after getting that bombshell dropped on me, I went out to an event & then was going to meet a friend concerning a potential housing prospect. On the way to catch my train, had a guy near my age hit on me in the subway station. I even got his phone number. I took that as a sign this divorce is the right move for me at this stage of life. Let's face facts: if your spouse views you as a financial burden, defines your worth as a human being based on the size of the paycheck you bring home & declares you are lazy when you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing to win at your career and in life in general while that spouse isn't doing those things (despite being proven wrong by every single successful person & advice website/resource out there), then you are in a bad marriage. That's a "what's the point of being married" type marriage. That's a "life is too short; get the hell out of there" situation. That's an abusive spouse.

Sorry, folks but money doesn't rule my world. It's not the be all, end all for me. There are far more important things to me & if more people got that lesson, the world would be a better place. I value things like friendship, family, integrity, loyalty, self-worth, dignity far more than money. You can't take money with you when you die. Money isn't going to love you or give you emotional support. Losing money isn't nearly as bad as losing your loved ones. I speak from experience here; just ask my mother if she'd rather have money or my father. She herself said she'd much rather have her husband back, despite him having many flaws.

Go talk to all those rich people who are miserable despite never having to worry about finances. There are some & one thing I have learned in my life is the presence of money doesn't = a problem free life. Sometimes, having money means you have more problems since then you have to wonder if people actually like you for yourself or your money. I feel like I'm viewed as a failed meal ticket while I still have total faith in what I do & know with every fiber of my being that I'm the real deal. Some very successful people in the entertainment industry are flat broke, in fact or were after getting mainstream success so further confirmation of my point.

It's kind of funny that I'm about to do what I had planned to do 10 years ago if I hadn't gotten into law school. I was going to move to NYC with $10,000, my car, a few possessions and survive by my wits. Think Nomi Malone in Showgirls after the guy steals her suitcase and she's stuck in the parking lot of the casino with no money. She lucks into getting a place & doesn't do too badly for herself. Not that I'd end up becoming a stripper or a showgirl (especially at this point) but that wasn't someone who sat back and became a victim; she took control of her life & didn't take shit from anyone.

You only get one life & I've always believed in taking risks if your status quo is making you miserable to the point that bad things are going to happen if you don't fix it soon. Death touching me has made me even more adventurous & less amenable to taking shit from others. I also have some inspiring people around me who lift me up, encourage me & would tell me to go for things instead of hiding like a turtle in its shell. Finally, we have to own our own lives. YOU are the one who's going to be miserable if you don't make changes & no one wants to hear you bitch about how bad you've got it when you're taking zero steps to improve things for yourself.

If I've changed, I think it's a change for the better. Anyone who cares about you should want you to have more self-confidence, more belief in yourself & think better of who you are. Modeling has been a help to me & doing shows as well as interacting with that community is one of the things that's kept me going.

So, how do you know when a relationship is dead? I think you know when the other person no longer regards you as a human being, respects your feelings or bothers to listen to what you have to say. I think it's also over if there's only one adult around & if they aren't thinking in terms of "we" but in terms of "me." When it's not "us against the world" but "me against him/her & the world."

Oh, and never, ever stay with someone who puts you last no matter what. No spouse should be putting their family ahead of the other spouse unless that spouse was making up something horrible about a relative like accusing someone of child molestation or rape & there being 100% definitive objective proof (not a lie detector test or the relative's word) that the relative didn't do it. Does anyone have in-laws who aren't total beasts? I'd like to meet that fortunate soul. That reality is a big reason I believe family is what you create, not what you're born into.

Now I've had the marital relationship fail me. At this point, no way would I get married again unless maybe it was an open marriage. I can't do commitment or attachments since it's like I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop & to get betrayed once again. I sure won't be giving up my independence & the next guy will most likely have to sign a pre-nup.

Is it just me, by the way, or did some of you ladies end up in this situation and find potential suitors line up for you? Just curious. I'd figure this would be the last moment any guy would want to try stepping up to me (particularly if he didn't know me before or harbor some eons old crush; I'm speaking of total strangers here). I'm in an even more bitter & cynical state than I was when I was single. The best you can hope for is me going back to the cynicism & jaded detachment I had when I was single. Yeah, I may be hot & all that but I figure hot can only take you so far. Eventually, you have to talk to a divorced person & I'm familiar with the "bitter divorced guy" trope. I dated a divorced guy in college; he was 14 years older than me. It wasn't a bad relationship but it was a Mr. Right Now thing.

That's where my mind is now. I figure Mr. Right is dead & I ended up with an emotionally abusive person in his place.

If you feel some sympathy or aren't a total douche, you can contribute to a GoFundMe campaign I created as one part of dealing with all this. Link available if you ask nicely.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

The Mystery of Why Some Places Aren't Closed On Snow Days is Solved

I know I haven't updated in a while. Thanks to those of you who've kept reading despite all that. I've been too busy dealing with bullshit lately.

For one thing, I'm getting separated & will be getting a divorce. I can't say I'll miss this relationship as it's been in the past few months & at least I know who can be counted on and who can't. You also can't stay with someone who refuses to grow up and behave like an adult (such as living within a budget, not putting their parents & other relatives ahead of their spouse). An adult doesn't ignore state marital property laws or is naive enough to think you can abandon physical affection and say "I want a separation" to your spouse then think they have a right to know about the spouse's affairs or keep tabs on where they go. If you don't care about the spouse, then it's not your business anymore.

There's so much I can say on all this & boy do I have some views on the subject but those will have to wait for when all is said and done. I can at least say it's better not to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe in you, doesn't love you and doesn't have your back no matter what. A relationship like that is totally not worth it & when you recognize the signs, it's time to get out. Freedom, no matter what materials you lose, is far better than being a slave in a virtual prison. That Young Hearts Run Free song is dead on accurate; I was listening to it last night since it seemed fitting for this time.

You'll have to ask me privately if you want more details.

So, I went on Facebook today to find that schools in NYC were open despite bad weather. Apparently the rationale for opening schools & libraries is that these places are glorified babysitters and cafeterias for the poor kids. If they are closed, the argument goes, these people won't eat.

Well, where are the parents I ask? Why aren't THEY taking some personal responsibility?

First off, if you couldn't afford to have a child or another one why in God's name did you have one? NYC is not a place where you can't get an abortion or birth control if needed. We also have that law where you can abandon newborns at hospitals, police & fire stations if you can't hack it so the state can deal with this kid. Not saying it's a great option but it is out there.

Second, if you are that destitute, why are you living in NYC (land of common snowfall)? Why don't you move to a warmer climate where schools are rarely closed? Using that argument to endanger other people's lives reminds me of the people affected by Hurricane Katrina who whined about being involved there but stayed in the storm & put their homes in an area prone to flooding. Your lack of preparation is not society's fault.

By that token, YOUR refusal to be an adult or doing what you need to to care for your kids is not the fault of teachers, librarians and others who are forced to come into work to cater to YOUR sorry behind. Since when does YOUR child or YOUR family trump the lives of the teachers & school personnel. Don't THEY have families & kids who might miss them if they get killed or injured in accidents caused by snow & ice?

Call me heartless or mean all you want but the schools & libraries aren't the hospital. Teachers & librarians aren't EMT workers, doctors or even MTA employees. Also, if you're that hungry missing a meal or two so the roads are cleared and safe to travel on isn't going to kill you. Human beings as a species are very resourceful & will do what they need to do to survive.

Do these people not have neighbors or friends who might help them? Could they not get food leftovers from a job? Even dumpster diving, which I'm not in favor of doing myself but if you're desperate you do what you've got to do? Maybe even a homeless shelter? I don't know but putting possibilities out there that don't involve opening schools & risking the lives of educators, cafeteria staff and anyone else who'd certainly get punished if they didn't come into work that day.

These aren't workplaces where the employees can miss work and not get shit over it. Some bosses seem to think driving on ice is no big deal whereas I had 2 near death experiences being in a car during a blizzard (thankfully my father was driving & he was super good at it having been a truck driver back in the day). You also never see the higher-ups at these places traversing the travel to go to work; they sit on their fat behinds at home while railing about social welfare.

When THEY strap on their snow tires, get off their fat asses & go into the office without complaint or leaving early, I might taken them more seriously. Until then, they can fuck off along with any so called "bleeding heart" who thinks this starving kids mess is a justification for endangering the lives of workers who have to do those jobs. What about THEIR kids? Are they supposed to leave their kids orphans or have them get injured in a school bus accident b/c some other parent couldn't be resourceful enough to get their kids fed that day?

How about these bleeding heart types get their butts out in the snow & ice and do these jobs, knowing they will be punished and penalized if they don't show up on time & leave on time regardless of the weather outside?

I don't think my estranged spouse signed on to be akin to an EMT when he became a public librarian. I'm sure if you asked other librarians and teachers, they would agree that if they wanted to have no holidays or snow days they'd have become EMTs, hospital workers, etc. Let's also remember these jobs pay a pittance compared to some of those other jobs.