Last year, I said 2014 was going to be the year of change. At that time, I was in a marriage that had some problems but I had no clue just how deep they ran & how bad it really was. I still viewed it as a team effort, a "we're all in this together" type thing. There's also the idea that if you keep plugging away at your passion and what you care about, you'll get it. I'm still plugging away at mine and figured after doing things for so many years & making so many contacts, the odds were in my favor to see good things happen that could improve my financial state where it'd never feel like "work" or something burdensome I hated doing.
I also had the changes in my life from my father's death, asserting myself, dealing with the private student loan lender and the in-law strife. I thought the worst was behind us/me & it was all about sorting everything out. Little did I know...
As I see it, the minute you give up on your passion in full you might as well be dead. Why are you hanging around? What is the point of life and being on this planet if you've got absolutely nothing in life that makes you feel good, motivates you, inspires you, or that you give a damn about? Tons of lawyers seem to live that way. I thought not being married to an attorney meant I was okay in that.
Was I in denial? Maybe but it was much harder to pretend things were all good. I definitely didn't think things were great but figured those problems weren't insurmountable. I'm not a quitter & have not walked away from difficulties in life. If I leave something, it's because it really is a lost cause and impossible.
So many people I've known in this business haven't made it in NYC; it seems that struggle is even worse if you work in fashion. That is partly reassuring. Not b/c I like to see other people be miserable but b/c working in the business, I view it as an occupational hazard. It's like you're part of a club & others who do this can relate. For me, it's akin to going to law school & finding out your classmates are just as frustrated, stressed and scared of failure as you are. More of that "collective pain" stuff.
The worst arrived & my worst nightmare happened. So far, I'm surviving. In some ways, I'm even thriving. I know I'm thriving as a human being & in terms of my spirit. I'm thriving in terms of having new experiences, learning new things, getting more familiarity with other places and having done things I'd have never gotten to do if my marriage had survived another year. Any innocence I had left vanished but I have met new people in this world, some of whom probably care far more about me in the short time they've known me than my ex or his relatives ever did.
Am I missed? Does it matter? Will I find out another ex has come out of the closet? That would be an interesting hypothesis & if you think about it, it could make sense on some level. For one thing, you often hear about wives who won't give their husbands what they want sexually or fulfill those needs. That was not a problem with me & I couldn't see that ever being an issue. If general notions of the male mind can be believed, a guy is almost entirely ruled by his hormones & often thinks with the little head instead of the big one. If you follow that notion, if the little head is happy & satisfied the big head will put up with a lot to keep that feeling. The guy would certainly not throw away a woman of my caliber or care about the size of her paycheck when she's got her looks, brain, drive, ambition, health and determination (among other things I'm sure others will remind me of later).
For another, some insider knowledge I have lends credence to that theory. Insider knowledge about Psycho Boy lent much credibility to his later coming out of the closet. Maybe I should have known something was off when he told me he loved the song "Believe" by Cher & was watching Titanic that time?
* Note about me & the movie Titanic: I have never seen it & vow never to do so. I successfully avoided it when it came out, when my mother was watching it & if I've been able to avoid it this long, why stop that streak? I also got far too exposed to that Celine Dion song; I can sing Celine Dion but I'm really not a fan since I have more modern sensibilities and interests in my musical taste. My mother says "Modern Girl" is a perfect description of me. *
I swear to you I didn't suspect anything with Psycho Boy (he was my first & I wasn't exactly an expert on guys at that time; I also figured these were quirks considering he approached me first) but if my ex did later come out of the closet, it would at least save me some family guilt or hassle over being divorced by the more religious & "stay married unless the guy is beating you" types.
However, I don't like this idea that guys get involved with me and then come out of the closet. I'm not some wizard who makes seemingly hetero guys discover their love of other men. Seriously, I'm not. Nor do I think I'm that horrible as a human being.
It's pretty much impossible to stay married to someone who is completely incapable of being an adult & has zero appreciation of adult matters. Can't "stand by your man" when he just shits on your efforts to lift up the boat & takes all the credit for things going well when he didn't do the hard stuff to make that boat rise.
Essentially I am rebuilding what I did before. If I could do it once, I can do it again. This time, all by myself with no jerks depending on me or leeching off my drive, ambition, clever thoughts or whatever else I have in me that they don't.
I definitely got change & I got excitement, which was sorely missing in my old life. Some of those changes have been for the better & I most certainly have inspiration and things to draw on that most people don't. I've also seen married life & can tell you it's not as great as you think it is if you've never been married or have to face constant pressure from family and friends to "get married already."
I figured I'd be safe from problems not marrying a drinker, drug user or smoker. Nope, you can have serious problems no one wants to deal with without being a drinker, drug user, smoker or taking medication for mental illness. Gay or straight, don't think I'd ever want to deal with my ex. He wouldn't get my sympathy if he came out & got disowned by his entire family.
Finally, who'd ditch their "beautiful wife" who can cook & isn't an abuser or adulteress? Thank you for that, Talking Heads. Currently listening to "Once in a Lifetime."
Tomorrow isn't something I can predict (don't I wish? don't we all wish?) but I am trying to remember the guidance of those older, wiser and more savvy on this than me. I also try to remember that just the divorce alone would be way too much for most people to deal with, that there are others who have it far worse than me & "this too shall pass."
Eventually, this mess will be over & I won't be reminded every single day of being betrayed by the one person who is supposed to be there for you in sickness & in health, for richer or poorer. I can say with confidence I'd never go backwards or belittle myself by taking this man back if he asked. He couldn't if he wanted to; I'd never trust his ability to change as a human being. Even if he came back years later & said "You were right about everything."
I don't miss him or feel bad about losing HIM; would you if you were me? No, I'm just pissed about putting in my time, effort, blood, sweat, tears and efforts to raise up a spoiled, unappreciative loser who'll likely be going nowhere & still be nowhere in 10 years. Since I don't define success by money, I consider myself more successful as a human being and as a thinker/scrapper who's had to fight for things and make harder choices to get there. At least there are men in this world who are men a woman can stand by & who she doesn't have to take care of or babysit. Divorce is in my experience a regression & akin to having your spouse die, at least for me.
Maybe in some ways divorce hurts more than your spouse dying since if your spouse died, they probably didn't choose to leave you. Getting ambushed just sucks & will test you emotionally. Bear with people who've had that happen, especially if they never loved anyone before or came from a dysfunctional family and life that didn't give them a good picture of marriage or human trust.
Weird how I can be tired but then writing inspiration hits and the next thing I know, I've been up for hours. Not sure why that happens. I say 2015 will be the year of financial prosperity since it's about freaking time & sooner or later, I either succeed or completely fail at everything I've spent my entire life on. I'd like to think I've not had this journey and done what I have to just end up with nothing in the end. That would violate the basic principles of God, karma and the universe. Hopefully, some healing will happen as well.
Friday, January 2, 2015
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