Spell it Out, Sister! "50 Shades of Grey" and Classism

You're getting an extra entry at both fan behest & because I was downloading Prince songs. I also planned to go into the office today but worked at home b/c I didn't want to risk being struck by lightening on my walk to the subway as I walked under the trees on our sidewalk.

As you read before, my husband foisted 50 Shades of Grey upon me. I still stand by my statement that it's totally porno & that is the only reason it's on the NY Times Best Seller List. The porn aspect has also been the consensus among everyone I know who's read it. Furthermore, you're not reading it for the author's writing skills. I've heard multiple people say the writing was excruciating or plodding in some fashion. I promised to write a rant topic on it after I read it; a little late but it felt fitting to write it now.

I do give the author credit for a realistic ending for the first book. If it stopped there, my inner feminist would be happy since I like realism in my media. However, it doesn't. I, however, do since I know I'd be disappointed in the lead female character for going back to that situation. It also has some very negative commentary & I'd hate to think men believe all women are that way. Let me tell you right now, we aren't.

One thing that really pissed me off was the covering up of terms. I hear that in urban fiction, you will see the word "dick" to refer to the guy's private parts. However, if it's a white romance author you see things like "manhood" or "he inserted himself." In this book, "vagina" isn't used but "me" or "my sex" is.

Why are white people so damn bashful about sex (at least Americans or those from a puritanical culture like this British author; I'm sure the French are just fine with it)? I sure as hell can't write it credibly but maybe I've done too much of it & have the added baggage of my religion infused childhood blocking me. Any sex scene I ventured to write would have comedic elements, probably because some of my actual experiences did have comedy in them. I know my artistic limits & I'm pretty sure that's one of them.

Listen, sister: if you want to write a porn tome, don't be bashful. Be direct, damn it! Spell it out. You have adult readers. We aren't stupid. If you're going to be that graphic anyway, why censor that for us? Playboy's sex stories sure don't play that censorship. They spell it right out for you. None of their authors are bashful about it. They put it right in your face 100% & I'm sure make no apologies for it.

If you're going to "go there," why not take us all the way. There are Prince songs more graphic than this book. Seriously, though I would still pay money to go to a Prince soundtrack wedding (circa early career to mid-90s songs).

I was also looking for anal in it only to find none since that was mentioned in the book as something this guy liked to do. With all the buildup, you expected it to happen & it didn't.

One other thing: with the book written from the virgin female character's perspective (whose name also sounds like she just stepped off a porn set according to hubby), I totally understand how Psycho Boy lost his mind after we gave our virginity to each other. I did not lose my damn mind after I first had sex; I did not have illusions of turning some guy into a "flowers & hearts kind of guy" like this character does. She reminded me of Psycho Boy in his attempt to change me into a "flowers & hearts" kind of gal who'd go run off with him into the sunset. Getting that insight was interesting & I finally understood it more when my family claimed I ruined this guy. Sure, I was like "this is great" when I first did it but I had better later on (much, MUCH better in fact) & it was a lot about rebellion from the strict upbringing I had along with having a means to do it without having anyone I had to go to class with or deal with regularly finding out information I didn't want them to know. Man, if they knew some of that stuff I'd have never had any peace or quiet & would likely have been disappointed with lack of skills. You have to work to impress redheads. Case in point: Vampire Boy had far more sexual experience than me when I met him (he was my 3rd; I was his 10th) & he actually told me I was the best he'd ever had in that realm.

Personally, I don't think I ruined Psycho Boy even to this day considering I was prepared & deliberate in my choice to lose my virginity. If he wasn't, he shouldn't have lied to me about being mature enough to handle it. Not all women are trying to make a man into a "flowers & hearts kind of guy." We can be just as cold and unfeeling as any guy. Nor did I do anything I knew I'd regret later on.

Oh, and the money thing. I should mention the male lead in this book is a guy with tons of money & that's presented as part of this woman's attraction to him. Unlike many people, that shit doesn't impress me; it's more likely to piss me off. I remember dating my husband & saying that if he'd come from money, we wouldn't be together. In my view, the money thing goes to class & how you grew up. A person who grew up having to work for things due to lack of money has a very different mentality and mindset from someone who didn't (unless maybe that person wasn't coddled by their parents & there was no perk to having $ that factored into their upbringing like no bailouts or paying for college). I don't care how nice or compassionate you are about it; people from 2 different worlds on that end are never going to truly understand each other in a romantic context. It's just so much a part of who you are & how you handle situations as an adult that I don't think you can really understand it if you haven't lived it. I knew a rich guy would never be able to fully understand me & probably couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't going to be bought or take shit from him b/c of his net worth.

Not being able to fully understand someone means, in my book, that you can never truly love that person for himself/herself. Then if you can't love that person fully, how can you possibly have a future together? As my mind ran & still does, you can't! You just can't. It's the same thing with differences in education.

My own academic prowess & background is something so integral to who I am and what I believe in that if you weren't as educated or had that drive to get an education, you'd never fully get me. My own mother warned me about that when I was dating Psycho Boy & I feel that relationship proved that point.

That's not to say you couldn't be friends with people from different socioeconomic backgrounds. I have some myself; you just sort of have an unspoken agreement that you don't say or do certain things since you know it would be hitting below the belt.

Now to get sleep. Remember, if you're going to write graphic sex scenes go big or go home (as the saying goes)!

If The World Really Worked That Way...

So, I saw this alteration to a "Jesus Saves" graffiti in the subway that tempted me to write my own response:

In seeing this, I was sorely tempted to write something like "Think you've got that reversed." After all, men tend to be vilified much more in our society. They can't teach small children or even look at them without people accusing them of being pedophiles. If they end up in a situation with an unwanted child or paternity disputes, people almost always side with the woman & brand the guy a deadbeat dad. How many falsely reported domestic abuse or sexual harassment cases go against men vs. women?

I'm also a feminist & figured this guy was inviting wrath from the hard core, man-hating feminists, of which I'm not. I certainly don't hate all men considering I only dated guys, married one + have guy friends, acquaintances & business contacts.

Then, I felt it showed precisely why Calvinism failed. I'm not a religious scholar or expert but the basic view of Calvinism is as follows:

You get assigned a status before birth: saved or damned. You don't know what your status is & you can't change it with your good or bad deeds. Only when you're dead will you know if you're going to Heaven or if you're doomed to a lifetime of eternal Hell.

Now I could be missing things there; remember, I'm not a religious expert & certainly no expert in Calvinism. But...

if indeed Jesus only saved men, women are now being given carte blanche to do whatever they want to. I could go cheat on my husband w/my hot law school friend who actually asked if I'd consider being with him if my husband left me. Yes, my husband hates that guy though I see a lot of myself in him & I feel like he's one of the few people who'd be around me for myself instead of my career or its perks. I also question his sincerity in any feeling for me since I don't know whether he says such things to all women, most women or just me.

If I were going to be damned anyway, what's to stop me? If all men could do anything they wanted, good or bad, and STILL be saved while I could be perfect & go to Hell, why wouldn't women just be complete jerks to all men?

So, law school friend (you know who you are) if I actually believed that was the world order, I'd indulge you. I'd also do plenty of other despicable things to men & people in general.

Essentially, this is why Calvinism doesn't work: Most sane people at hearing that basic premise say "Hey, if my earthly deeds don't matter I may as well live it up while I'm alive. To heck with society's rules. Let's ALL do bad stuff!" Certainly everyone I was in classes with (mostly "smart kids")when learning about this expressed that exact viewpoint & said they'd view it that way.

Can you imagine what that world would be like? If you thought it was hard & tough now, that would make it a thousand times worse. Face it, chaos would ensue & it would end up being every person for themselves. It essentially absolves people of all guilt or fear of spiritual repercussions for doing anything. We'd probably have more vigilantism as well, don't you think?

So, sexist cretin inviting the wrath of man-hating feminists or proof that Calvinism doesn't work? You decide.

Are You a Feminist or a Feminine-ist?

I saw this article on MSN today.

Along w/this one about how women are charged more $ for things.

Funny, all the women I know are quite frugal & don't use money like water. At least, I don't. My husband & I get along well b/c neither of us is a fan of wasting money.

BUT....I don't think equality would be achieved w/the election of someone like Sarah Palin. How about a woman who's pretty AND has a brain in her head????? In my book, Sarah Palin does not qualify as someone w/a brain. The only 2 things I find redeeming about her is A) she'd definitely rank in a contest for best looking, nationally known politician (some of them are so hideous I wonder why they don't get some plastic surgery w/all the $ they make) & B) she supports the Second Amendment. There's got to be some woman out there who qualifies in both categories & doesn't make womankind cringe at the sound of her name.

I never actually thought to ID myself as anything. I'm just who I am & to make things easier for people to identify my views on things, have said "I'm a feminist but I'm not a lesbian." Somehow being a feminist doesn't only = ugly, it also equals gay.

Generally, people have noticed my brain first. I was considered the ugly girl as a kid; I couldn't have gotten a date w/a hot guy in high school if I'd become a nudist. I also look the EXACT same as I do today; I have the yearbooks to prove it.

Aside from random remarks from flirt guys in high school, no one ever really appreciated my looks until I went to college. Even in college & law school, no one EVER sexually harassed me or thought I was all looks & no brain. I also couldn't flirt to save my life & thought it was a little beneath me to do it when I was on the market.

Hey, if guys approached YOU all the time, you'd feel the same way! If I go out today by myself, even with my ring on I've STILL had guys approach me w/my doing nothing more than being in a room.

To be honest, I think it's a matter of context & presentation. Again, I don't flirt; I'll be civil or nice but I'm happily married & will say so. I'm a straight shooter.

I'd also never cross that line in the workplace or at school, where I'm supposed to be a credible professional. Everyone dealing w/me knows this & respects it. I think doing it just brings trouble, especially for women. Even in the entertainment world, I'm the lawyer first & just happen to fit into that world much better b/c of my background + appearance.

So maybe it's b/c I won't cross those lines or something I present to the world but I feel it's very much possible to believe in gender equality w/out being an "ugly" woman or having to be one.