Sunday, September 22, 2013

Getting Professional Services: Elitism or Smart Planning?

Until a little over 2 weeks ago, I had never had someone not related to me do my laundry. Until Friday, I had never had a professional massage. Until yesterday, I didn't appreciate the talents of a Manhattan hair stylist that charges an arm & a leg to cut your hair.

If you're a woman, you totally lose on the haircut game. If you have long hair, it's even worse. Men can go & get $5 haircuts. Women are lucky if they can get one for $20, especially if they've got long hair. I went to one hair place in my area to use a Lifebooker deal I bought & those bastards tried charging me $15 extra for having long hair. Not a single one even complimented my hair color! See why they're bastards? That's a compliment I get at every single hair salon I go to. In fact, that's one of those ways I have to determine if you are indeed a credible hair person; if you aren't complimenting my hair on its thickness, health and/or color, it tells me you're not really hot shit at it.

Let's go back to laundry, though. One of the household tasks I hate doing is laundry. That & washing dishes, extensive cleaning and anything that forces me to undergo muscle pain or lift heavy items. I recently weighted myself & learned I was less than 105 pounds. In fact, I was 102 about a week ago! Muscle woman, I am not. Nor should anyone pester me to become it. I feel like "Isn't it enough that I'm an attorney, a business owner, an actress, a writer, a singer & a model? Beauty AND brains! Why should I also have to be brawn?" I've also asked my husband and others those very questions though some never want to recognize that beauty & brains are plenty, a lot more than what many women have.

I already shared my basic stance on cleaning; I do what I need to in order to avoid infestations & feeling like I live in a dump. I insist on my house feeling like a home, not a museum. Rigorous cleaning regimes just aren't happening with me & I don't think it diminishes me as a woman to refuse to engage in them. Maybe I'd make a shitty suburban wife but I have never wanted to be one anyway & my being one would lead to my story ending up on Deadly Women or some other ID (Investigation Discovery) show about a woman who has affairs, kills her spouse/lover/some other person or does something else scandalous enough to end up on one of those shows.

Lately, I have grown extremely disenchanted with doing laundry. First off, I hate our local laundromat with a passion since it's in my neighborhood (remember, I have zero community pride in light of the incident at the library), the jerk doesn't have air conditioning on during hot summer nights & wants to suffocate us all & you have to hang out with people who are maybe 1-2 steps above your average Wal-Mart customers in a meh neighborhood a.k.a. screaming children ahoy with lazy parents who do nothing to shut them up (in fact, these screeching kids are out late at night when my husband would typically be there to do laundry). Second, I'm less than 105 pounds & not He-Woman. I'm not the person to recruit to haul laundry or much else to places. I end up miserable having to lug things around & cranky because I had to put in contacts just to go to that laundromat and deal with that environment. Side note: don't ask me to help you move unless you're just moving items weighing less than 20-25 pounds. Third, by the time the laundry is back at our house we don't have time to sort it. If you wait, you get deep wrinkles in your clothes. Then there's the sock sorting, underwear folding, etc.

My husband sometimes does laundry at his parents' house but I'm not speaking to them at this point (this was also referenced in earlier posts). No one has yet to apologize or claim that I in fact DO have an artistic voice, 1st Amendment rights to speak my mind, and that my career is valid regardless of what financial rewards I get from it. Our latest film is screening at the Calgary International Film Festival as I type this. I even have my first journalistic writing gig acquired from the fact that I write this blog! Classic example of using a blog to form a distinct personality & lead to career opportunities. I'm looking forward to it; will post a link if it all works out and I get one.

So with that situation and my attitude that you shouldn't be going to your parents for certain routine things in your 30s, I felt like the time had come to see about outsourcing the trouble of doing laundry. I had no clue how much it was going to cost us but I found a good place that served our area & had a 5 star Yelp review. I finally got to use it 2 weeks ago & afterwards, my thought is "Why didn't we do this sooner?" It was quite cheap with a 15% discount and I think even without one, it could still be affordable to us per month & not really run us much more than doing it ourselves would (washers & dryers at the laundromat cost money, driving out to Long Island costs money, detergent/dryer sheets/etc. cost money & then there's the labor costs). Add it up for yourself & figure out if it works for you. I'm going to insist we keep up with it for our own collective sanity & value of time. If it sounds elitist to say having a professional degree means your time has some value, so be it. I absolutely think it does. Just told my family about doing this & they even agreed that it was better for us that way since our time costs money. If I had a washer/dryer at home like they do, I'd opt for that but since it's not an option for me it seems this is how you do it in city living.

I also found getting a professional massage is not the same as getting one from your lover (unless, of course, your lover is a professional masseuse). I have never dated a professional masseuse & the number of guys who have given me a massage is not a question I could answer off the top of my head. I know not all my boyfriends did that. Plus, a massage from your lover is supposed to be for getting in the mood. That's not the purpose of one from a professional.

I had the opportunity to get a free massage recently. With all the shit happening to me in the past few months (just realized yesterday my father hasn't even been dead 4 months yet), I felt I needed a professional massage or some type of spa experience. I also read a friend's Facebook post about the good feeling of getting one & thought she was on to something. Generally, they are not cheap. However, since I got the opportunity I figure something de-stressing would be the way to go for me.

Another fact about me that's probably not really shocking: I have a hard time relaxing. Call it the type A personality tendencies in me or my paranoia or my being an attorney; my brain can go a hundred miles an hour where I don't miss a beat. I also tend to do better if I'm busy & in some ways, thrive off it. This has always been my nature even back in middle/high school.

So, I went and got a great massage experience. I wrote a great Yelp review on the place, would totally recommend it to others (since finding places that are quality for beauty services is apparently a challenge in NYC, even in Manhattan where you'd think it wouldn't be) & once I can afford it, will totally indulge myself on that again.

Interesting fact #2 about me: I don't get my hair cut all that much. This is mostly since I think it costs too damn much to get it done. I haven't had a regular hair person since I lived in NC; I never actually got that done in Atlanta, though my hair was a lot shorter when I started college (me with short hair has triggered varied reactions from people though I never got it short enough to have the back of my head shaved). I wish I knew a great beautician who wouldn't charge me over $20 (including tip) to do it. That's something I'd love to get (maybe I should also get a friend who's a professional masseuse). You'd think I'd have those friends but I don't, at least not yet.

I was asked to go on a grocery trip by my husband, though I'd gone out quite a few other days that week. A little annoyed at having my ability to sleep late interrupted, I thought to myself "If I'm going out to Long Island anyway, why not finally go get the haircut I'd been meaning to get after this last fashion show?" I opted to do just that & picked an affordable place I'd been before where the stylist had not fucked with the basic template of my hair set out by a really great stylist at the Manhattan salon I went to beforehand.

I drove there, only to find it'd been closed and was absorbed into another location. The other location was taking the coupon I had but A) it was far more convoluted to get to than I'd expected (I nearly got hit trying to negotiate the parking area to get to their shopping center) & B) the cut the stylist gave me wasn't really what I asked for. I now have 3 layers in the front, which I didn't ask for, have never had & wasn't really sure about. I just wanted the angled cut I got with the stylist in Manhattan & that the second stylist I saw continued. It makes your face & hair look softer, according to the pros who did it & as a working model my hair has taken on new importance.

Decided to solicit opinions on the new hair from friends & family; so far the verdict has been good but I'm thinking maybe I should go to the other evening events I was invited to this week (an Entertainment Committee meeting on Monday & an exclusive entertainment/fashion networking event on Wednesday) so people I know from both the fashion & legal worlds can see it and give me feedback.

I'm not sure if it works for model me; long hair seems to be an asset in modeling, especially if you're a white woman. There aren't lots of short haired white models that I've seen. Granted my hair is still past my shoulders but it is shorter than it was; I was sporting hippie length hair before though it will never get to waist length even if I never get it cut (this really disappointed me when I was a child since my ex-friend had waist length hair).

Perhaps this cut is going to be an acquired taste for me but I think next time, I'm going to a pro in Manhattan. I know 2 of them thanks to Lifebooker (one even works in the entertainment industry).

I figured it's one indulgence I ought to get considering my husband spends far more on comics in a year than I'd spend on my hair (which might get cut 3 times a year tops) & I could probably write off my haircuts as a business expense since now I'm doing modeling. The prices in Queens aren't much cheaper & from my experience, service is better in Manhattan. I can also get to salons in Manhattan more easily.

I usually get my hair cut a lot to get rid of split ends. The funny thing is every hair person who does it tells me it's healthy. It was easier when I had curly perms since it frizzes like nobody's business but I guess my drying regime isn't killing it, which is a plus.

Possibly unusual fact #3: I don't spend time styling my hair. I just don't have the patience for it & I'm no beautician. I want to comb it & be done with it.

Maybe I'll put it up or have a hair accessory in it but I don't want to spend my time trying to curl it or something unless I'm going to a special event. I also don't wear make-up all that much these days though modeling has given me a greater appreciation for it. I likely wouldn't wear make-up for work unless it was for acting or modeling.

I actually think cosmetology is a great field to know. People will always be vain & shallow about their looks. You also can't outsource that job. Plus, you can save a fortune if you know how to do your own hair so that's something I think people should go into as a trade.

I realized that outsourcing laundry & all totally makes me sound like the typical NYC professional. Guess in some ways I am. It's not something I'm ashamed of or all that unhappy about. I don't know that it's truly elitism to say you don't want to do your own laundry; maybe that's just honesty. Now I just need to figure out how to not have to pay to do dishes after I cook.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

General Musings, Part 32

Another one so soon, you may ask. Well, lots of things have been going on lately in society that I do have some opinions on & I figured this was the best structure to vent. Plus, some of these are based on things I've already mentioned in this blog (for instance, being a sorority member). So, here goes:

First off, further proof that if you have never lived a situation you should shut the hell up about it. Does anyone else find it funny this guy's name is Ron Johnson? In case you don't, I'm thinking of the show A Different World. The character on the show (whose name was Ron Johnson) was a serial playboy who was known for going through women like an alcoholic goes through alcohol until he got some character development in the later seasons. I also fully agree with the author's views & his further advice. Pat responses from idiots get on my last nerve, no matter how well meaning they might intend this "advice" to be. Apparently, he's never been to a middle class area & would get eaten alive in the inner city. Any inner city people want to debate on whether this Ron Johnson would last longer than a day in your area?

The first letter in this Dear Prudence column reminds me of the song "Too Much Too Young" by the Specials. It practically reads like the lyrics of the song: You done too much, much too young. You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me.

I've said it once & I'll say it again: that song should be the childfree anthem. In fact, The Specials have some great songs. I definitely relate to many of their lyrics like "Racist Friend" & "Rat Race." Plus, there's "A Message to You Rudy." I actually heard "Too Much Too Young" for the first time when my husband & I were watching a season of classic Saturday Night Live on DVD. One lesson to be taken from this letter: if you're not 100% sure you want a kid, don't have one! You can't put it back once it's come out of the birth canal.

Now I didn't read this whole series but I wholeheartedly agree with this point. If the food restriction people aren't acting like assholes, we're cool. Not acting like an asshole means:

1. Not making comments about the food on other people's plates. Such as telling meat eaters about how beastly they are & are killing animals. That's their prerogative, much like it's your prerogative not to eat meat. You don't get to tell me or other grown people what to eat.

2. Not assuming the host knows all about the foods you can & can't eat. I didn't grow up with vegans or people with special religious rites concerned with their food. The South is not a place for such things. I've told people that my food isn't fat free or healthy so if you're looking for that, don't eat my cooking. If you're vegan and coming to my house for a meal, you're going to have to bring your own food or your own ingredients & make something for yourself. I don't mind trying vegan food & if you don't tell my husband it's vegan, you might even get him to eat it.

3. Not assuming I know the first thing about making something you're going to eat that fits your food preferences. See number #2.

4. Not preaching about your diet and how the rest of us are evil, corrupt, selfish, stupid or whatever insult you care to heap upon us mere mortals for not following YOUR regime. Again, your freedom of choice ends with your own stomach & perhaps that of your minor children.

I like the "bring your own food" tradition if YOU have the special diet. Maybe you could end up getting people to try your food if you bring enough as long as you aren't preaching about it all the while.

My husband is a hardcore, unapologetic meat eater. I'm shocked he's not a member of that People Eating Tasty Animals group. He is rather strident toward vegetarians and vegans since he did experience the preachy types before; I'd hope he wouldn't be a jerk to a non-preachy type but I make no guarantees. See why I said you can't tell him something's vegan or meat free if you want him to eat it?

Speaking of the birth canal, the judge's actions here truly pissed me off as a woman and as an attorney. This judge sounds like my late uncle who had a sexual relationship with his 15 year old stepdaughter. He claimed she initiated it. I hope he's being investigated for this since not only does it pervert the whole concept of justice, it tells all young women that they can be raped and adult men will never be held accountable (even if they are in positions of authority over the women in question). I also hope this girl's parents had some words or did something after she killed herself over this; I could see my parents being livid if that had been me or my sister.

Reading this, I thought "Amen & Hallelujah to that!" I've been saying it for years; I'm glad it's not just me. In fact, being someone from NC it's my fervent belief that you are a monster if you subject the general public to a total lack of air conditioning in the summer months unless you live in Antarctica or Alaska where you will never need it. Climate change is here, folks & if the temperature is about 70/75 degrees, you'd better have that air conditioning on or be prepared for bad things to happen. I know how I react to excess heat & people in the South are also known for being more temperamental & violent than folks from the North. This is why I don't perform a job or do anything where I'd be subjected to heat in the summer (such as cooking or working in a small space with no air conditioning). No one needs the lawsuits or my redheaded rage.

This story hit home for me. I found out my sorority does not have a chapter there so I can definitely confirm something I know about it; we have NEVER been a "white" sorority or discriminated in membership based on race. My particular chapter was brand new when I was in it & we were looking for members generally. Being from a minority group would never factor into the equation of whether to extend a bid or not. One sister in particular outright said that if our group did that, she'd report the offending sister to campus officials. After she said that, I said I'd also do the same. Sisterhood is not about what race someone is. Apparently, some people's alumnae don't get that. You have to wonder if those people are total bigots.

I can assure you they couldn't have gotten much from the sorority experience since one of the things I & other girls got from it was interaction with people who had different experiences, personalities, perspectives and so forth from us. Even though our individual sisters weren't clones with the same circumstances, we still had common goals and a common bond through the sorority. Heck, that's what sisterhood is all about if you ask me. That made going to school away from my hometown or high school classmates valuable; I met new people & got a diversity of thought/perspective/what have you. I think diversity should be praised and encouraged in sororities while the membership gets their freedom of choice (for instance, not making the gamers take someone who hates gaming). Are happy mediums no longer a concept anyone grasps?

In one answer to that question, consider this recent action from the French Senate. Honestly, I would be perfectly fine with child pageants where the kids can't wear swimsuits, make-up, high heels, have corporate sponsors & the like such as the "mini-miss" pageant mentioned in the article. I'm sure most parents would be more willing to put their little girls in pageants like that.

Could you imagine how freaked out people would be in America if kids were banned from being in pageants? At least Toddlers & Tiaras would have to go off the air. That might disappoint people I know, though. I was in a high school pageant but never had to wear a swimsuit or put in fake boobies in my dress. I guess we figured the audience went to school with us so they'd know if a girl with an A cup suddenly had a C/D while competing in this pageant.

I think a total ban is a little strong, though.

So that's all the rant I've got in me today. The husband is bugging me to get off the PC (which we criminally need to get fixed ASAP & I'm about to go nuts about). Ciao.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Tyranny of "Putting on a Happy Face"

So big things have been coming up on the horizon. My film company's latest feature film was accepted to screen at the Calgary International Film Festival. For those who don't know, let me explain the significance of this:

Have you heard of SXSW (South by Southwest)? It's this big indie film festival in Austin that happens every year & has a big music festival associated with it as well. If you're not hip to the indie scene, you will hear about SXSW endlessly on IFC (the Independent Film Channel). A friend of mine who, for his part, is not exactly a film expert wasn't familiar with SXSW; I swear that guy needs a film education & I have half a mind to be the person who gives him one. If you mention SXSW to someone who works in film, chances are they have very much heard of it (as have I).

Well, it seems getting into Calgary is a bigger deal than getting into SXSW. As in, it is huge & could mean a life changing experience for my company as well as me the person since I'm part of the company. I already have seen the impact of us having our present reputation & I feel like this could bring us into that space I both feel honor and fear about being part of.

To think, I remember us trying to get into SXSW & not being successful.

It's that whole conflict between having a private life & privacy vs. working in an industry where you're going to be high profile. Modeling works much the same way as well as some of my other work. Some days it's like "Damn it! I look like this & have creative talent so people keep asking me to do all this performance stuff."

Now I love writing, acting, singing, modeling; it's in my soul. I never even thought I'd be doing modeling at this point since I figured those days of eligibility had passed. As I've said, every girly girl wants to do it (me included) but I figured I'd have no chance due to living in NC, going to college & not being willing to go homeless to make it happen.

When I went to law school, I definitely didn't bargain on getting my partnership at One Way or that I'd be getting listed on IMDB. I thought maybe I'd get to do community theater if I had time; I'm sure other people figured I'd be a lawyer & never get a creative break. It was one of those dreams you figure would be great to get to live but based on the normal progression of things, you violate it so there's no need for you to consider it could happen.

The problem is, if you're too good at being creative and you get known you will get press. Now I'm not badmouthing the press here; it's not their fault human nature is what it is. Getting press means you get fans & haters. The fans are never bad to have but you have to worry about the ones who take it too far (the stalker types). The haters are a validation you're doing something right but if you're controversial, you've got to be a very strong person & put your 1st Amendment right to speak ahead of people who'd love to silence you.

The haters are what cause this tyranny of putting on a happy face. Do you ever see anyone well known who tells you about the bad stuff or is honest with it? I feel like getting known for things & having a fan base can mean you never get to have a bad day. You never get to share your upset or even your true feelings if they aren't shiny, happy or socially acceptable since too many people will be waiting to knock you down.

Don't you hate that? It makes a career where your brand is based on who you are a tad hollow, right?

You also learn who your real friends, supporters, fans and the like are as you go up the ladder to success. You have to see the problems, who's going to weigh you down & who's going to bring you up. Deep stuff.

At least the good news is I'm not required to be a saint or perfect in my own brand. I get to say when I'm having a bad day or when something is BS (I have a duty not to condone BS, especially in my industry). I'm actually doing a fashion show tomorrow, have things going on career wise that a lot of people would kill to have for themselves (developing the modeling direction might end up being a smart move on my part) but have a lot of personal shit I have to worry about. When you have death in your immediate family, it's something that lingers. It's not like "Oh, well," and you move on like it never happened.

Today was a big manic depressive episode. I'd interviewed for this job before Labor Day & finally got a status update on it. The job itself fizzled out due to fallen deals (it was entertainment related). That was a bummer to me; I also feel like it sums up so much in my life. This is not the first time I've had such an event happen, not by any means. I was thinking "God forbid I could finally have a steady paying gig! How much longer am I going to have to deal with this & things like MIA interviewers?" No one I know has had the types of stories I have concerning vanishing jobs & offers that went nowhere.

Just another "what the fuck?!" moment that seems to just be me. I'm selective in what I pursue or who I talk to so it's not like I'm unprofessional when I do interviewing. I feel like it's a definite sign from the universe that my company is going to be successful & I shouldn't bother pursuing other jobs, especially outside the entertainment industry. The question is, when is the universe going to deliver on the financial rewards? It seems I'm great at giving the illusion of success & people must think I live in a mansion or something when that couldn't be further from the truth. Unfortunately, a great reputation doesn't pay your rent or your student loans. I wish it did. I also felt like I needed to cry at some point; I don't really cry all that much & as a rule, I won't let people see me do it in public. I have only cried in front of a select number of people; those people only get to see it if they agree not to hold it against me later.

I later went to therapy, got cheered up some there, came home, set up the laundry service (since I hate our local laundromat, hate having to deal with my clothes being filled with wrinkles when I put them away & really hate the manual labor involved; I felt like paying for it might end up being worthwhile to save the time, stress and energy of doing it) & then got a phone call to have a meeting tomorrow before this fashion show I'm doing tomorrow evening (a show for Fashion Week, which I figured I'd be no part of as this newbie model who isn't devoting her full time to it). It could mean a chance to take this modeling thing further & getting to do bigger events. I have no issue with paying work & none with travel if I don't have to foot the bill for it. I have supporters outside NYC who might actually go to a show I was in if it was in their area.

I sort of feel like there's this 5'6 hate going on & I have no shot at professional modeling but I could be wrong. Others in the field did tell me height wasn't the end all, be all I thought it was but time will only tell if that applies to me or not.

So the question here is how do you keep your own identity intact without having to be everyone's happy face if you aren't known for your straight talk? I honestly feel like being open & honest is a way of having a more authentic & honest relationship with people; perhaps inspiring them to do things or feel like "Hey, this person isn't perfect. I don't have to feel inadequate or intimidated of him/her." If you ask me, we should share our trials & tribulations instead of storing them far away.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

There is No Love for Redheads

Seriously. There is NOT, even among so called people who claim they have love for us. When I say "us," I mean the real redheads. People who had to grow up with the hair color & deal with life's slings, slights and insults. You can't actually get my color out of a bottle (if by chance you do, let me know what dye it is since then I can compare your hair to mine & share the news with my childhood family since they'll want to know) & those who know me say I epitomize much of the lore. I certainly have the temper, the skills and the sensitive skin my husband says hates me.

First off, I was in a fashion show last week & in need of false eyelashes. False eyelashes are a bit of a novelty to me since mine are pretty long naturally. My mom outright envies me for mine since she says I'd never need to wear mascara. I rush to the local chain drug store located on the same street where I'm hosting City Bar's off night show that evening. Do you think I find any for redheads?

HELL NO!! You can find them aplenty in black or brown but red? Why not just ask to buy plutonium or edible underwear in an XS or the answer to the meaning of life? I think I'd more likely find the answer to the meaning of life in a chain drug store than I would have found fake eyelashes for redheads. Is it any wonder I mostly shop online when I have to get something?

Then I learn about this website through a Facebook friend who was in a redhead appreciation group. I decide to take a look around since I am the demographic this website claims to "love." I discover something about applying to model for them.

Take a look at this page & tell me what's wrong. Still looking? I'll go ahead & tell you.

They require professional photos of redheads applying. Okay, I can manage that having done these shows recently & getting quite a few professional photos, a few by myself in fact. You even get a nice full view of my body in many of them. I'm pretty sure some of the guys who've seen them have totally drooled. Actually, I know they did since some outright told me I looked sexy in some. I like to think it's within the bounds of good taste & a classy sexy, not a slutty sexy that's going to damage my enforcer cred. Who says I can't be sexy?

They ask some questions. Okay.

Here's the problem: they require you to pose in THEIR product before deciding if you can model it. There's no free shirt or any offer to get one in order to do this.

Instead, you have to pay a minimum of $15 to buy one of these shirts. After shipping & sales tax (depending on where you live; the good state of NY loves to charge you sales tax for online purchases at every single turn), you're looking at spending closer to $20+ just to be considered to model for these people.

What the fuck?!?!? In the fashion shows I have done & in my modeling experiences, no one demanded anyone to purchase their product in order to be considered for posing with them. No designers, managers, no one AT ALL that I know is legitimate.

This site says nothing about paying models for their work, offering shows or anything of that nature. In fact, Model Mayhem outright forbids people from posting castings where anyone has to pay money to be considered!

This is akin to charging a job applicant money to apply for a job. We'd call that a scam. This is not even recouping your investment like paying the $25 photo fee with Central Casting where one day on an extra gig will pay that back & give you extra.

I wrote the people on this site about this. They claimed no one had complained, they'd "always done it this way" and totally tried telling me that was remotely acceptable.

For a site that claims to "love" redheads, this natural redhead says they are full of shit. Maybe they'd gotten no complaints because the women who'd applied to be models weren't lawyers in the entertainment industry. Maybe they'd not gotten professional models who know the deal & that this is bullshit no one should be subjected to. Maybe they've only gotten applications from rich people or the spendthrifts of the world. Some of us actually work for a living & don't go around wasting our money (hi, there). Granted, if I were left to my own devices I'd probably end up some old woman who died alone with a million dollar estate b/c I'm seriously frugal & keep things until they are literally falling apart but that's another story.

These people have only earned my contempt & certainty that they aren't professional. What celebrity would want to associate with someone who is classist to women who might want to model but can't afford to buy a shirt of theirs for photographing purposes? Who would want to deal with someone whose casting offer wouldn't be kosher on any professional job search site for models? I certainly do not.

I also don't feel like helping or benefiting someone who'd charge me to even consider me for something I'm more than fucking capable of doing & probably a hell of a lot better than any fake redhead. When I complained about this policy, I pointed out what I do in a general description. Smart people know a potential business ally when they see one & tend not to go around pissing them off. In fact, I can identify an entertainment professional by how they treat me.

I don't ask anyone to brown-nose to me or kiss my butt but I do get close to that treatment sometimes. All I ask for is basic respect and recognition of the reality of who I am and how it might affect them. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that it might be foolish to piss off the entertainment attorney, especially one who is unique & different like I am.

I also don't think my mentioning what I do makes me a threat maker; it makes me a realist & a strategist. Googling me would just lead to that information anyway so why not mention it in advance in the hope of A) making the person I'm contacting more apt to talk to me or B) taking some of the fear away by showing that person I'm a real human being instead of some cold machine whose name triggers the sound of thunder in the distance anytime it's spoken. Gee, psychology proves that you're more likely to talk to & befriend people who are like you. If someone can prove there's commonality, you're more likely to follow up with them. Applying that principle is far more helpful than some basic form letter everyone is used to seeing. Take it from the person who got a lot of contacts by just being herself.

By that token I will not be apologizing or hiding my success for anyone. I'm damn proud of it! You would be as well. I don't know any other successful person who hides that fact or tries to shame themselves over it to make some insecure jerk feel more comfortable. It's not my job to coddle or cater to someone else's shitty feelings about themselves. That's the very reason I did housecleaning in my life. Having a passion is far more important than a pile of money & I'll die far happier having that than I would a sack of money doing something I hated.

I also think we can all be successful in life without having to step on others to feel good about ourselves. My friends' success, for instance, does not diminish or take away from mine. I don't get jealous or envious of other people since I don't know their circumstances & they might very well ask me to help them on things.

Speaking of which, maybe I partially won the war. I'm now talking to my childhood family again on a more limited basis & I like to hope that maybe I've been able to assert myself as an adult and get treated accordingly.

I was in a blue funk starting last night & going into today but this evening made me feel better. Making cookies I was craving, venting to a friend (thought I only ended up talking to him b/c of the need to discuss a business matter) & being around creatures I like such as my husband and the cats are a great antidote. Guess that dream I had this morning where my family came to visit and sprung Psycho Boy on me didn't help my mood either. I remember totally losing my shit in this dream & we were living in a house.

Basically, I feel like my life is "hurry up & wait." It's also in a holding pattern & I hate that. I like to be active & feel like I'm doing something productive, particularly in the direction of financial rewards. Sitting around & waiting for things isn't something I do; calling me ambitious might be an understatement. I also don't do things at the last minute & get pissed if you spring that on me, especially if I'm not being paid to have that kind of availability.

Hopefully, things are going to get better. I like to think a friend of mine is right about holding true to my standards & how someone out there will appreciate and respect my skill set. I just feel like you live by your standards/code or you've got nothing.