Thursday, November 28, 2013

The Demise of Thanksgiving: Die, Black Friday! -- In My Case, The Term Is Just Morbid

My alterna-Thanksgiving plans have actually been going pretty good. Went to a movie earlier today at Cinema Village. They were playing I Am Divine, a documentary on Divine (go look her up if you don't know who she is; if you're an attorney who doesn't work in entertainment & you actually know who Divine is, I will not only be shocked but I will give you points).

Someone I know was actually interviewed for the documentary, which I did not expect. It's not someone who's a friend but it's also not someone who's gotten on my black list or who I wish bad on. Guess I should get used to that; seems to be one more sign I'm making it regardless of what any money driven person has to say about it.

As we were going to this theater, which took us past Union Square, I saw mindless zombie assholes trying to shop. On our way, I saw some people trying to get in one of the bigger complexes right there & tugging on the locked door. I yell "It wouldn't kill you not to shop on Thanksgiving!" as I walk by. I felt these jerks deserved it & if we don't want retailers to be open then, we should be chewing out the assholes who equate Wal-Mart with the hospital or the police station.

That documentary was awesome, by the way & totally worth seeing. My husband & I were the only 2 people in the theater. Had it been something we didn't enjoy & my husband made a move, I'd have totally gone for it. After all, I did end up making out through an entire movie & then some on my first date with Vampire Boy. It was back in the days when a weekday afternoon ticket to the movies was affordable. I couldn't tell you what happened in the movie & it wasn't something I particularly wanted to see but had gotten invited to + thought the guy was cute so I went. Not to mention being a 20 year old on vacation from college & trying to kill time while waiting for Godiva to call her in for work. I remember the day itself very well since I'd also applied for a bank teller job earlier in the day & had to drive early in the morning.

You also have to remember I hated being in NC & Vampire Boy did as well so that instantly sparked good feeling between us. I've wanted to do that again with my husband so I could have new memories of something I liked doing but it hasn't happened due to movie ticket prices being too much & no good cheap movie theaters nearby. Guess those who want to make out in theaters just have to recreate that experience at home or in their cars, where we ended up after the movie. I feel like it marks the end of an ear & that kind of sucks.

Another end of an era apparently started this year with retailers opening on Thanksgiving. When we left the theater, I saw some jerks leaving and more entering Forever 21, which was open. I yelled loudly "You're part of the problem!" as we went to the subway. I wondered why my husband wasn't amused or commenting himself since I know he despises that crap himself. He claimed it wouldn't do any good. I say you have to confront assholes causing the problems if you want to affect change & point out they are indeed at fault.

I also feel entitled to do it considering I lost my father in June & just learned on Tuesday that my cousin died. He was the same age as my sister & was one of the only cousins we saw that often as kids. Plus, he & his brother were the only cousins we had within our age range. We weren't close as adults but that definitely hits close to home since if my sister died, that would be devastating. This cousin also had drug issues but he didn't try killing himself a bunch of times or tell people he wanted to die. He was medicating from injuries he got in a car accident ages ago. To my knowledge, he wasn't a depressed person; I just couldn't be around him because I like having my law license and the nature of what I do limits who can feasibly be in my life. Plus, dealing with my father means I don't deal with anyone else's issues & just because others are in denial doesn't mean I have to stick around for it.

In case you can't tell, I totally don't do Black Friday & hate it. I'm a cheapskate bargain hunter myself but I'm also a fan of sleeping in my warm bed, getting up later & not being pestered by the general populace. I also avoid putting myself into conflict situations where I know bad things are going to happen; dragging me into them is plain stupid so I opt to avoid them & let the conflict come to me before I act. Plus, there's the Internet.

Tell me, big box retailers. Why the hell do you need employees to come in against their will for no overtime pay when you have websites for customers to shop from? Can't you do deals on there & divert your traffic elsewhere instead of shitting on people's holidays b/c they are "peasants" or more accurately "garbage" to you? How many of you executives or higher ups worked this week? How many are working on Thanksgiving or Christmas Day, for that matter? If you personally aren't willing to work on a holiday, you have no business telling anyone else to do so.

Wal-Mart does NOT = a hospital. Restaurants are one thing. Bars are one thing. Movie theaters are one thing. We went to the movies but it's not like employees have to be in your face the entire time. They merely take your tickets or sell food & you are on your own quietly watching the movie. The transaction is very different. I think bars & restaurants are different b/c some people hate their families or have no place to go & shouldn't be deprived of their alcohol if it keeps them from going on a mass killing spree. Not to mention the families like my aunt's or mine who just lost major relatives & don't feel in the holiday spirit. I keep thinking about last Thanksgiving since that's the last time I got to see my father alive.

It actually was a good Thanksgiving even though I'm never going to be a fan of NC. We didn't get into fights & conversation went well. I found out my paternal grandmother's full name so I could research if the story about her being Miss Atlanta, GA back in the day is true or another tall tale from my father's side of the family (they're known for those, though if my looks are any indication [I'm apparently the spitting image of my aunt in her youth] it very well could be true). At least as I do things in this business, I'll have headshots and IMDB to provide a record of me taking advantage of that beauty and getting to use it professionally while no one else has gotten the opportunity.

My sister says my father wanted my cousin up there & she's probably right. He had a close relationship with the guy & considering he & my sister were the same age, I'm sure my father thought of him as the son he never had. My cousin & my father did have things in common.

Yesterday, a thought also occurred to me on all these deaths: no one in my life or related to me with a substance abuse problem is alive anymore. I also feel like I should become some grief expert or the go-to person if there's a death in your family. I already feel like the go-to person for crisis in other areas. I need a nickname but I don't think "The Misery Chick" fits; I'm not miserable or obsessed with death, not even close. A black cloud? I hope not since I don't feel like my personal life should affect my career; it's been a 180 from my personal life & one of the things keeping me going in all this. So I'm not sure.

I also know that I don't want fake sympathy or people to feel bad because they feel it's their "duty" or they "should." Spare me the bullshit & don't offer condolences unless you actually mean it. I'm not a person of ceremony & am not swallowing BS out of "duty" or "obligation." Just isn't in my character, I suppose.

I also am not a piece of glass or a piece of steel: I'm not going to fall apart but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings.

Tomorrow, I'm staying at home & relaxing away from the shopping hell. If you're smart, you'll do the same.

Paying Managers to Be Babies: Why?

Last week, I went to a fashion show at the Dream Downtown in NYC. The week before, I'd personally modeled in a show there for Wicked Threads, a great brand you may want to check out. The designer is awesome & those shows have been some of the easiest I have done due to the lack of pressure and stress involved (at least as non-stressful as being a model in a fashion show gets). I personally had no problems and saw no issues with the venue; in fact, it's a very classy looking and gorgeous venue with ambiance & views. The ladies room is also one of the nicest I have been in NYC.

That week was part of my 4 days of crazy busy since I was in another show the next night at the Empire Hotel, was doing a TV appearance the next day, went to see Bayside! The Musical! that night (it was hilarious but oh, so wrong; don't go if you're easily offended or toting young kids/people who have zero sense of humor) & then had my photo shoot to finally do my comp card. After all that, I decided to take a bit of a breather & no one had asked me to model or posted anything saying they needed models so I decided to go to a fashion show that Friday as a spectator. I'd also known about it in advance & when you tell me about something in advance, I'm far more likely to make an effort to attend.

My husband also had an event to go to (and ended up networking; I told him I think my influence rubbed off on him) so no reason for me to sit at home. Plus, I've been going to events to try networking & build contacts.

You know what's great about going to fashion shows if you're a girly girl? You can get away with a lot as long as your outfit is semi-dressy. I also decided to try putting my hair up & didn't totally screw it up even though I'm nowhere close to good at creating an updo. Since I love a free opportunity to dress up, my going to fashion shows just makes sense for that alone. I also knew someone who was modeling in that show & worked with one of the designers before so I wanted to attend to support these people.

Other people I knew were in attendance so I talked to them & even met some new people. One photographer I hadn't met before actually came up to me & asked why I wasn't modeling that evening. I said "Nobody asked me," which was true.

Turns out it may have been a good thing I wasn't modeling that night. The show I was at was shut down by the venue's manager in the middle of the second show.

To put this in some context, the show that was interrupted was a swimsuit show. Lingerie & swimsuit shows are apparently more attended since people (men, in particular) like to see attractive young women in less clothing. The fact that I have worn less clothing in shows I've done is a compliment in my book since if I didn't have the body, no designer would want me going out on the runway representing his/her brand (especially in underwear or the like). There are also quite a few drinkers in the fashion world. Getting free drinks is a major issue after a show & I've seen people get mad if you aren't doing that for models and people involved in the shows.

Not to mention that fashion people have contacts, looks & some even have money. That would be the crowd any high level venue would want to attract & keep as customers. I don't recall hearing about Studio 54 being horrid to fashion people though they built their business around keeping people out & being exclusive. I have been to a number of fashion shows in my time (even before I was modeling in them myself) & that has never happened at any show I went to or participated in.

Well, for whatever reason, the manager at the venue we were at decided to curse out the designer, shoved a model, banished all the photographers (and I knew at least one who was there) & open the curtain where models were in stages of undress. Apparently, the night crowd was more important than this fashion show or maintaining goodwill at this high level event. I saw the organizer of the event later on (who is a Facebook friend I hadn't previously met in person) & told her if they wanted to look into legal action to contact me since I know a ton of attorneys and happen to be an entertainment one myself.

I also made sure to mention this little failing on Yelp and on their Facebook page along with telling the model I knew that if the girl who got shoved or anyone else wanted to pursue legal action, they could contact me. That really pisses me off since I have modeled myself & this jerk easily could have tried that with me. If he had, he'd have lived to regret it & I surely would have told him he just shoved an attorney.

This was far worse than what I saw when I did the show at the Empire Hotel the week before. That manager, a woman, apparently had a problem with the designer pulling out clothes to show models who were waiting outside the bathroom (since we were told we couldn't stay in the bathroom once we had changed & obviously couldn't go out where the general public was since you can't have people seeing your outfit before a fashion show). We end up getting moved to a darkened area with almost no lighting for anyone to see dresses & with no actual bathroom or formal changing area. There were gaps between this part & the part where we had to come out to model (which was quite lighted & filled with members of the general public alongside photographers, who we're used to seeing & aren't being a bunch of leering creepers trying to see naked ladies for sport). There wasn't really a changing area per se so we were getting dressed in this darkness near the non-curtained windows (though we were at the rooftop on a very high floor).

Now, one thing you should know about being a model is you can't be one of those super bashful girls when it comes to changing clothes. You're not likely to get a private changing area & junior high changing may not work for you depending on the outfit. I'm an expert in junior high changing (this is when you change your clothes in plain sight & do it without any glimpse of private parts) but there are garments you can't do that with. Sports bras are one of them. Pantyhose would be another.

If you've been to Joyce Leslie & tried anything on, you can't be bashful there either since they don't have fitting rooms but instead have one large room that women folk have to change in (at least at the one I went to near 8th Street & I was trying on a bra that day). Being in entertainment or going to Joyce Leslie should cure you of that bashfulness about changing in front of other women; you're too busy trying to get yourself ready & as others would point out "we all have the same stuff" so it's not worth freaking out over.

At the same time, there is a principle at work so I made sure to mention it to someone I knew. Still need to work on that Yelp review but been so busy lately with other things.

All these events irk me for another reason, though. Why in God's name are these managers being paid a salary by these venues to be shitty to guests? There are far more mature ways to handle a conflict than cursing someone out, shoving people, invading their privacy & so forth. I own a business & if I had a manager doing that in my business, I would fire their ass in a second. I don't know if they have contracts for the events but regardless, what about hospitality? These jerks are in the hospitality business; you're supposed to be NICE to people in it. If you hate people, don't work in that field. Come to think of it, there are lots of fields you should stay out of if you hate people. Not those who have done something to piss you off or are liars/jerks/etc.: I'm referring to hating people as your default position.

How many people are unemployed or underemployed in NYC? How many would do twice the work at half the pay & be damn appreciative and glad to have a job in the first place? What business owner would pay a manager to be a dickhead to people who are bringing crowds, alcohol sales & the like to their venue? What did I just say about fashion people & fashion shows? Why in the Hell would you want to alienate those people? You should be doing everything you can to make those people happy & get them to come back, invite their friends, talk you up & have a positive experience.

Not to mention the legal liability involved in making people change clothes in the dark, shoving women wearing very high heels & breaching contracts (oral or written). What if someone had gotten injured & ended up having to go to the hospital? Guess who'd be getting sued? The shitty manager might get named but the venue has deeper pockets so YOU owner(s) would be fucked over in that situation.

So along with bad PR, legal liability, potential backlash in desired demographics (I also don't advise pissing off photographers since they're actually fun people), high employee turnover (since God help the people who have to work for these assholes; the other staff members involved in these incidents were fine, including the security people) & creating a workplace where immaturity is allowed among so-called "professionals," why in the world would anyone with half a brain keep that kind of manager employed in their company? I, as a model, would certainly not feel comfortable modeling at the Dream Hotel Downtown if that asshole was in charge since who knows if that fucker would go invade MY privacy or lay a hand on ME? Where's the safety to models & anyone else providing entertainment at an event? If I'm thinking this, you know others have to be as well.

If someone told me "Oh, they were drunk," that would make me even less happy with a venue. How many episodes of Bar Rescue do you see where Jon Taffer is berating an owner for letting employees drink on the job & lecturing people about drinking at work? That's just announcing your workplace is unprofessional & a lawsuit waiting to happen.

The next day, still fired up from the Dream Downtown incident the night before, I went to Target & ended up calling up the manager to complain about a lazy fuck who refused to provide me with service when I asked for a rain check on an item. He apparently thought I was supposed to go get him an item number from a section when I don't work at Target, wouldn't know where the item number was & there's no real staffing in the section. He couldn't even be bothered to get a circular to look for the item! I would never have done that when I worked in retail & gee, we have phones so he could have called and tried to get the information but just wanted to be lazy.

At the end of the day, my attitude is "I earned my position & had to work for my paycheck. You need to be doing the same or getting the hell out of the way so someone who gives a damn will actually do the job." You have no sympathy from me when you're being unprofessional, rude, nasty, etc. & you work in customer service or hospitality. Low wages, my ass!

I worked in retail for 7 years & I didn't take out my unhappiness or attitude about my employer onto the customers (I also didn't hate my job or take one I know I would hate 100%). It's not their fault YOU hate your life or your job. That's a problem YOU need to deal with. Either make an attempt to change your lot in life or accept it; regardless, don't come bitching to customers about it. They do not care. Why is it that I got this lesson at 15 while there are people far older than I am now who don't get it? If you are a manager & you try defending laziness/unprofessionalism/so on & so forth against me & mine, I will give you hell for it. Just a fair warning.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Dragging Men Shopping & Not Wanting to Be a Brawn Person

This is my first attempt to get some blog posts out of me before I explode. The past 4 days were super crazy busy so didn't have any time until now to start with this.

In the midst of the craziness (or maybe before it started), I saw this post from 1,000 Ways to Die (the show may have ended but they still have a presence on Facebook) about men being dragged shopping by women. That is something that puzzles me since I have never made a man go shopping with me. I actually prefer to shop alone since I do have a good sense of style & know what works for me or not. I usually don't need other opinions & to quote Margaret Cho "Men do not want to go shopping. If they do, they're gay."

Now if I had some gay male friends who'd go shopping with me & really wanted to go, I'd certainly take any of them who asked. I don't, though. Most of the men in my life are straight. I wouldn't make a guy friend go shopping with me since I don't keep friends I hate.

The biggest reason I don't get that whole thing goes back to my teenage years. When I was 15 years old, I got a job at JcPenney. I was hired to work in the Lingerie/Sleepwear section, though it was part of 3 girly departments (the other 2 were Handbags/Accessories & Hosiery). Hosiery was the department where you managed a till & could easily get bored. It was a very easy section to work in & you didn't have to do much. The upside was you had a view of the main drag of the store so you could people watch often. I usually ended up doing that, especially when cute guys walked by. Some of them probably checked me out but at that time, my parents would never have let me date anyone I met at work since that guy likely would have been older.

One of the big things that happened in Lingerie/Sleepwear was you'd see men & boys with pained expressions on their faces in the section because women dragged them there. They would usually sit in the chairs we had out. The chairs were conveniently located near our registers. Sometimes they started conversations with us but I always felt compelled to talk to them since as a sales associate, it was my job to make customers feel good about being in the store vs. wishing they were in the electric chair instead.

I vowed that if I ever got a boyfriend, I was NOT going to make him go shopping with me. I didn't want to ever make a guy get that pained expression on his face like I'd seen so many times at work. I was also doing my own shopping for clothes at that time & was fashionable even then. Case in point: I won "Best Dressed" in my high school's pageant my senior year & still have the sash from it. People also complimented my clothes at random back then & still do today.

It seems I'm in the minority on this one along with the subject of watching chick flicks; that's something else I won't make a guy do. I mean, if you're dating someone, married to them or at least having sex with them (assuming you don't just sleep with guys you hate) why would you want to torture someone like that? I'd only do that if I hated someone & then I'd have to get that device from A Clockwork Orange so my victim couldn't close his eyes.

Now I do expect a guy is not going to make me watch movies I have no interest in. If he did, all bets would be off there. Equal rights, slick!

Shopping I'm not so picky about since that's not something I mind doing & if you ask, I'll give you my opinion. Not sure that guys I know scramble around for my opinions on clothes but if one actually does, I'll share. I do have some theories on certain fashions but probably mentioned them already or it's for another post.

As we know, shopping is a bitch for skinny people. I recently found out I weight less than 100 pounds seemingly out of nowhere. I didn't turn vegan or start eating 100% organic (can't afford it) but it does mean I'm going to have more haters. I wondered if I was just going to waste away & die that way or if I was a medical oddity but my husband pointed out something that maybe I should have considered: we've not been eating take out or restaurant food that much recently. Could explain this weight loss, right? I don't formally exercise per se other than stuff I do to live life like lugging a very heavy suitcase today for a photo shoot. When I got done, the inside of my elbow was hurting from me wheeling the suitcase down the street.

For some reason, my husband wants to turn me into a brawn person but hasn't it ever occurred to him or anyone else that maybe I don't want to be a female bodybuilder? Maybe I'm happy as I am & like my body as is. I even have shape in places that made my religious family insist I cover up & provoke hatred or dirty thoughts in a good chunk of the populace. I also ask "aren't beauty & brains enough?" That's apparently a combination nearing the rarity of naturally red hair, at least to hear some guys (including one of my exes) talk.

A person needs to have a few flaws & weaknesses; otherwise, you're dealing with a robot since no one is perfect. I don't care who you're talking about since there's at least one flaw or weakness in everyone. Being able to admit this means you have some character. Otherwise, I guess not admitting to your faults is your flaw: you have no character.

In closing, no one needs to be asking me to lift heavy objects or suggesting I apply for jobs where you have to be able to lift at least 50 pounds. I'm not an ant!

Asking me to lift 30 pounds is also too much. Two words to remember when asking this sort of thing of little tiny folk like me: Chivalry & Sadist. If you ask me to do that, I will call you a sadist & an idiot. If you're a guy, I will totally think you lack chivalry & are an asshole.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Conflict Free Holidays & Married People Problems

Back when my father died in June, I decided it was time to do something I've been dying to do for years: have holidays by ourselves. The husband & I were forced to do that one year when we were in a car accident on our way to Thanksgiving in Long Island. We ended up having pasta for Thanksgiving since that's what we had in the house and going to the local hospital to make sure he wasn't suffering from whiplash. We were driving in the rain on 15 in Connecticut and ended up hitting the car in front of us after our car hydroplaned.

Later, I did a make-up Thanksgiving for us complete with a HoneyBaked turkey, mashed potatoes, corn & pumpkin pie I made myself that I'd normally have for my family's Thanksgivings. That was a huge thing I'd missed with Thanksgiving with my in-laws: no homemade pumpkin pie & no Cool Whip. Well, for our make-up Thanksgiving I did it MY way. It was great & since then I've been dying to have our own holidays just the two of us.

Thanksgiving at my in-laws' house has typically consisted of extended family. That was never the case when I was growing up. Our Thanksgiving holiday was strictly immediate family & later friends or significant others of ours. We NEVER saw my relatives. The same goes for Christmas.

Why, you may ask? Because my grandparents were long since dead, my uncle lived far away & didn't get along with my father AND my father's siblings didn't get along with my mother. My parents & other relatives chose not to put themselves through the emotional torture & we had more peaceful holidays on our own. Or at least, relatively peaceful since my father did like to get drunk and show his butt on holidays. You at least didn't have to deal with gossip & nastiness behind your back and got good food at our house. My father also wasn't around later on & had calmed down in later years; last year's Thanksgiving was a good one since my husband got to have Honeybaked Ham (which he loves & never gets to have on his holidays).

My in-laws, however, have shown me without a doubt that they don't welcome, respect or give a damn about me. Apparently they mistake me for someone who gives a damn about their opinion or their commentary. They also seem to think they can censor my art & tell me what to think or feel.

You might notice some censor bars in recent posts. This is because my husband asked me to do this after getting a message from one of these jerks. To my knowledge, it was not a message of love or concern for the situation; instead it was meddling nonsense that should have been shut down with an "MYOB" (mind your own business, for those not in the know). Or perhaps an "MYOFB" would have worked also (you can guess what the "F" stands for).

Why these people care to read my blog, I have no idea. I would freely say anything I write here directly to their faces if prompted or asked. Plus, I've not heard any apologies or statements that my feelings and mindset on them & my idea of my place is wrong. Way to make me feel welcome or that I should bother going to any family function! That just tells me I'm doing the right thing in opting to do my own thing & not go someplace where I'm not welcome.

Since I did that make-up Thanksgiving and later made my own turkey breast, I know I can cook the main dish. I also don't get to see my childhood family because of my husband's schedule & had to fight to go last year. Plus, I've been married for 7 years; I think it's long past time for us as married people to do our own holidays. I think being married & especially all the strife I've been going through this year entitles me not to have to deal with anyone else's bullshit, melodrama & other things that are going to make holidays worse for me. If you were me, would YOU stand for this?

I also know of many people who have no place to go for holidays, have horrible relationships with their families or just get sick of them after a while & wanted to have a little safe zone for them. The only rule I've got is no bringing conflict.

I know tons of single people want to get married, especially single women. You people idealize marriage & married life, partly because the media & society tells you to. Let me tell you right now that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

I like to think I don't idealize single life too much (I did live it for a lot of years myself in Atlanta & while living on my own) but there are things I miss in it.

I definitely miss not having to deal with in-laws at all though I told my husband from Day One that I wouldn't put up with disrespect from in-laws & would end the relationship in an instant if they won out over me. In-laws trying to put the Hays Code or prior restraint on me is definitely included in that; you'd think I was dealing with teenagers or little kids instead of grown people here. For me & from my experience hearing about them, it's like dealing with abusive parents you don't get to shut down yourself b/c "it's not your place." If you don't have a strong spouse who stands up for you, you are royally screwed. Just ask the people I saw dealing with it; just look at Mama's Family.

The self-sufficiency is also nice; as I've told single friends, if you marry someone their problems become YOUR problems. Even if you are the most well adjusted, beloved person on Earth if your spouse is having a bad day it's going to affect you as well. I think everyone should have to live on their own for at least a year before they ever get married. Manage their own household, pay their own bills, do their own day to day life stuff without Mommy & Daddy holding their hands. No one should be going from their parent's house to a marital home. It just causes problems, especially for women. Unless you want to do a lot of Mommyesque stuff, you don't want a man who hasn't had to take care of himself for a while.

Some of my single friends are bound to hear about my stuff & then turn around thanking their lucky stars every morning that they don't have to deal with married people problems. I'll just be happy if they take my wisdom on the subject seriously & not fuck things up for themselves.

Maybe a family friend had it right when she refused to be with a guy whose parents were still living. One requirement of dating her was your parents had to be dead since she had to deal with a lot of shit from her family. Perhaps an orphan who just took care of himself & had no family would be fine as well (the male version of Carrie Bradshaw in that regard; no one ever says a word about her family or if she has any & there's nothing about in-laws meddling in her relationships). One thing I can say is I'm not censoring my blog or writing it to cater to a pack of busybodies who refuse to behave like mature adults or dial direct. Nor am I going to infantalize myself for anyone's family. You take me for who I am or screw off.

Married people would probably be much happier if they took that stance. It seems like sooner or later you have to stand up to your family & say "No more! I'm an adult & you can't treat me like that. MYOB/piss off/whatever choice statement applies to the situation!" I don't have children so why should I tolerate in-law garbage? If I did, I'd never want to show a kid that it's okay for anyone to abuse you or treat you like crap for any reason; abiding this shit would be doing just that & don't we have enough screwed up people in this world without adding on?

If you're thinking of asserting yourself, I highly recommend it. If only more of us were truly authentic in our lives. As a person, it's done wonders for my mental state.

I'd still love to meet someone with a functional family. It would give me some renewed hope in humanity & perhaps let me dare to believe that not all families are made up of the immature, petty & emotionally bankrupt (or at least not use my current belief as a reason to never, ever remarry or seriously date if I end up having to flee from this marriage). Oh well, at least I'm doing some fun stuff in the next few days & making career progress. I'll remember who believed in me & who didn't.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Dependency: The Most Loaded State of Being Ever

A few thoughts come to mind after ending this Halloween. I didn't have a "traditional" Halloween though I could have gone to a free Halloween party & dressed up + have all my costume stuff in easy reach. Here's why:

1. I found out on Monday I have pinkeye. The last time I had it was in elementary school. I was literally attending a religious private school at the time & it was the late '80s. Not even sure how many times I got it but at least twice.

My father even took me & my sister to Shoney's for lunch one day when I was out of school due to pinkeye. Why was my sister present? She was the queen of faking sick when we were kids since she hated going to school. I hated the social aspects of school & dealing with my horrid classmates but I didn't mind the schoolwork part; my sister was the total opposite. She decided to fake sick on this particular day & getting pinkeye again over 20 years later reminded me of that trip. It's one of those few pleasant memories I have of my father from childhood.

The upside on this whole pinkeye thing is that I now know of a local ophthalmologist if my husband gets it (he's certain he will since he likes to sleep on my pillow at night) & you'd never know I had to look at me. When I had it as a kid, my eyes would look horrible. You'd be able to tell in a second I wasn't well.

2. I was in a lingerie fashion show yesterday. In fact, I wore an outfit that I called my dominatrix look. There were no mirrors so when I came out of the changing room & immediately had my picture taken with one of the other models, I was a little nervous.

But then I got into the role & the show was a ton of fun. A random guy asked me if I'd take a picture with him & he'd flipped the camera to face us. I looked at myself & noticed I was smiling. When I saw this, I thought to myself "There's no way I can stop doing this. I enjoy it way too much."

Modeling has been one of those things keeping me sane & giving me hope for the future. It's probably built up my self-esteem & got rid of the ugly girl complex for good (since you can't be effective at it if you're self-conscious or doubt your own beauty; as they say, the camera doesn't lie).

3. I went to a Halloween party last Friday night & dressed up. Ironically, I was in a fashion show the next night & had a glitter pattern on my face that would have looked great with my costume. It still worked in the show, though & I got some great shots from it. Apparently, I've even mastered walking like a model since one girl I was working with yesterday told me her boyfriend said to her that I "walk like a model." How awesome is that?

I also did some networking & met people at this party. See, women like to know they are appreciated and that guys (or girls if they're lesbians) think they look hot. Even being married, I always appreciate that. For me, it's insurance against jerky behavior. You treat me like shit & there's no reason for me to spend tons of time crying over you.

I also had to go to the cardiologist & for marriage counseling on Halloween. Not sure what type of omen that was but maybe it was good since thus far, my heart's in good shape. I just have to get one more thing to make 100% certain but the certainty now is pretty high.

As for marriage counseling, I'm glad I got the things I had to say out there. If my husband follows up on things, maybe it can be workable but since I don't feel secure that I'm not going to be treated as a sugar baby he wants to rid himself of or that he won't engage in emotional abuse against me again there's still work to be done.

We are also much more different that I would have thought. Maybe part of it is the change in my mental state & acting to stand up for myself against obnoxious behavior no matter where at this point.

I still feel I'm acting consistent with who I am but I've just refused to give up fun for myself because my husband won't do something. He got all POed when I told him about dancing with someone who pulled me into it when I was leaving yesterday's fashion show. I said that if he's not going to dance with me somewhere & some other guy asks me, I will accept provided it's not club dancing. I told my husband he'd better be doing club dancing with me (grinding, you know); it's in his best interest to do that w/me anyway.

The guy who did have me dance with him last night told me I was a good dancer. I always considered myself decent. Not great but not horrifically shitty, either. Guess those 2 years of dance class in high school & dancing at all those college frat parties + clubs paid off. I suppose that was another benefit of sorority membership for me; I would see my sisters at parties, hang out with them and as part of being in that scene would get asked to dance by guys (usually from other schools) or dance with my friends. Still need some gay male friends who like going to clubs & can dance at least as well as me, ideally better.

Today,as I was dealing with all this with my husband in counseling & thinking about the session I was reminded of when I dated Condo Man & how that relationship ended. He said similar to me & was trying to make my life suck by trying to take away money I was trying to save from my job to move for the next chapter. I got fed up & out of there very quickly. In fact, I ended up moving someplace that was much closer to work than his was. I felt that was sabotage & told my husband that some of the statements he made to me lately were threats and an attempt to sabotage me.

I realized that I'd fled from an emotionally abusive jerk in that case & could do it again if I had to. Friends of mine reminded me I'm a fighter & the irony is none of them knew me when I was dating Condo Man.

It feels sad to me that even if you're married, it seems you can't let your guard down. You can't not earn income, even if you're the best cook, the best financial planner, the most organized person & have a great vision.

I'm really hoping that's not how my marriage is going to turn out. A "give up your vision & career so I can do what I want" attitude. Since when should I be forced to do that if the person asking has no passion or vision for a career? Myopic views aren't a turn on, either. It's hardly excuse making when someone tells you their student loan lenders are going to take a huge cut of money if they're at a W-2 generating job; that's simple reality for most attorneys. We can't exactly go work as burger flippers unless we just pay student loan lenders & that's not accomplishing anything if you're seeking more income for your household.

Apparently, there's mutual anger between us though there's still some love. This is probably accurate. I also know there are interests we will never share & parts of my life he'll never want to be part of, even though when I started out on things I never wanted my husband feeling excluded or like he couldn't go to things.

He also did admit something I was sure of & people outright told me but that I didn't know for certain; he's uncomfortable with me modeling & not really supportive of it. At least he does know I'm not giving it up & hasn't asked me to. I think he knows if he did it would be like telling me I can't be friends with people he doesn't like: an instant dealbreaker that will cause me to leave. Emotional abuse is also a biggie since I explained to him I dealt with it enough in childhood & refuse to do it now.

I also really hope he's kidding me about being bipolar since if he in fact is & knowing he would never take medication for mental illness, that's something else I can't do. If you want to call me heartless for that, then you try living the childhood I had, getting out of it & then ask yourself if you want to go through more emotional abuse, verbal abuse and other problems coming from living with someone who refuses to get help for serious problems. History can only take you so far, as I found out when my former childhood best friend decided to show her ass at my sister's wedding after totally dropping the ball on everything & trying to inject herself into my face when I clearly didn't want her there.

Part of me also thinks it's dickish for him to pull this whole "it's your turn to support ME" stuff when things are where they are & my father just died, leaving my childhood family in turmoil. That really bothers me on multiple levels & probably has contributed to anger on my part.

If things don't work out here, I'm never getting married again & will totally feel a long term relationship would be a waste. I'm not going to be able to get over that whole concept of dependency; it's a part of marriage but you're supposed to be okay with it & revere your spouse, not keep a running tally of how many years you earned the money while they didn't or throwing your job in their face while they try finding one & have no luck. Sorry, but no one deserves that. The spouse might as well be your sugar mommy or daddy & cut the pretense of actually giving a damn about you or your feelings if (s)he is going to do that.

Plus, to me dependency = vulnerability & that is something I have a very hard time with. I've had to force myself to get over that as of late with friends since it's not healthy to have no one you can fall apart around without them judging you or holding it against you later (not everyone can afford therapy & I'm the type who needs to talk things out). Friends are also a lower stakes proposition than a serious romantic relationship since you can have more of them & I'd like to hope if my friends have a true crisis, they will feel they can come to me without discomfort.

I'm also not sure if love = dependency. After all, loving someone means you're dependent on how you're treated by someone else. I just feel like I wouldn't be able to really love anyone fully if this becomes another situation I have to flee for my own well being & survival. The story continues but it feels like you can never, ever be dependent with anyone (even the people we think of as being "safe" to be dependent on).