Tuesday, May 4, 2021

And the Future Is...

NYC for now. Happened to be awake before 8 am so since I'm up, why not update this blog???

How did we get to NYC? Eh, a few things.

For one thing, I met a new guy. I've not made a big production of it, partially because I'm more private in things, didn't want to jinx it and I've been doing my fair share of dating post Mr. Big Stuff. There's also the inherrent nature of dating in NYC (see this post for details). I still think that post is generally applicable though undoubtedly the pandemic has changed things in NYC.

One big question that's lingered in my head is "Is NYC dead?" From my own travels and my own conversations with people, I'd say "there's still life here and even still some of that old school spirit." For those holding nasty notions about black people, I've seen black people have words with other black people who were panhandling or lowering the quality of life in NYC by harassing others. One of those incidents happened on a bus I was taking to go home. Doing bus travel (as I'm not feeling the subway right now, despite claims that it will go back to 24/7 service in a very short time and the city is re-opening in a very short time; I smell politics at work vs. "lowered virus threat"), it's been "Harlem: the same as it ever was." I've also not heard back on my community board application so I've got to at least see what happens there.

FYI, getting onto community board in NYC doesn't even completely have to do with you the applicant. I learned this after going on a group interview (two words that made me shudder immediately but it turns out this was much better than expected since this wasn't the most extroverted person dominating the entire conversation as it was when I did a group interview for a job at Abercrombie back in my college days; demanding the introverts suddenly morph into extroverts isn't cool and I'm saying that as more of an ambivert vs. a stone cold introvert with no extrovert tendencies to speak of) and being told what the next steps are. Not sure if people will actually look at the demographics I fit but I had a good laugh there answering the one "how do I identify myself" question noting my whole natural redhead thing and having to completely be self-made. Regardless, I'll get to actually tell you how the application process works, what the selection criteria is and get to bitch about politics on a whole new level that someone who's never done it has no right to.

I think there ought to be a rule in life that if you have never done the thing you're criticizing, such as worked as a police officer/been on a ride along/known any cops, you don't get to bitch about it. You don't get a mic but you get silenced and ridiculed for being an idiot trying to pose as an expert. That way, people who actually know what they're talking about will be the ones who get the mic and real change can happen. I always cheer on people speaking on topics they've lived or experienced since that actually means they're worth listening to on something. If people would only stick to topics they're actually educated on, the world would be a much better place along with them staying in their own lanes (I'm looking at you, vaccine).

But the new guy....that's something that blows Mr. Big Stuff totally away. I actually haven't felt that way about someone since I was dating my ex-husband. 4 months later and in the wasteland of NYC, I'd never believe someone who wrote on my Hinge profile "I'm going to prove you wrong" when I claimed that a guy on my level in looks, intelligence and the like didn't exist actually WOULD prove me wrong. Never one to resist a challenge like that, I instantly responded to that guy. He promptly asked me out. I told myself I would be good and not do instant sex (something that's rather common if you live and date in a major city, to the chagrin of you church ladies); I also had to see the gyno on medical stuff the next day and told him this directly in order to avoid any misperceptions or confusion (I wasn't playing any games and also figured it would be awkward to be doing such things then going into the gyno's office where they have to mess with those areas). I went to the gyno and was then out of commission for a bit. This guy asked me out again very quickly: I told him certain things are out of commission. He says "It's just your pussy that's out of commission, not you. I want to see YOU, not just your pussy." I don't feel like a lot of guys who'd just met you in NYC would vocalize such a thing though maybe more would be thinking it than my inner cynic would believe. He saw my tiny room and we hung out here. I also introduced him to my roommate's cats including the one who is super sweet and affectionate. Long story with those cats but as we get to talking, I note that we have more stuff in common. I also learn that he's as good at managing around setbacks as I am. When certain things were finally back in commission, there was definitely a natural progression towards incorporating that element into the proceedings.

At this stage in my life and certainly living in NYC, even in pandemic times, I figured finding a guy where that existed was about as likely as winning the lottery, getting struck by ligthning or maybe my family leaving NC and moving closer to where I live. I didn't even feel that whole thing with Mr. Big Stuff until later in the relationship and it was never on that same level of intensity. Going on dates post divorce, I didn't feel the same energy as I had with my ex and just thought "that's stuff for your teens and 20s and Single 1.0 life". If you've felt it, you know what I'm talking about. It's the difference between a mere surface "I like this person and having sex with them" and a feeling that just thinking of that person makes you all giggly, smiley and silly to where strangers wonder what the hell's wrong with you. It's wanting to be around that person a ton, even when you're sad and depressed and not feeling like dealing with the world. To you, that person isn't "the world" they're just "that person." You don't feel like you need pretension or to put on your face or be "the me I show the rest of society." It's something you feel organically, not something you can manufacture or push yourself into feeling no matter how much you want to feel that way. Ideally, as you're feeling it the other person is too. Otherwise you just feel naked in a metaphysical sense (God knows we've all felt that at one time or another; a classic example is unrequited crushes).

On literal 4/20, I get asked about becoming exclusive. I accept so here we are. No regrets or itchiness to bail at the moment. He tells me he looks forward to becoming an old couple together. I'm like "okay." That prospect didn't scare me and I'm the woman who's had to deal with stalkers and clingy guys with no love for either. Coming from him, however, just felt natural and like it could be a possibility. It didn't feel like intrusion. I think when remarks like that don't feel like intrusion, that means you've got that heady rush and more than a mere fling or sex buddy scenario going on. It feels nice to finally have a local guy I want to spend time with. My sister, upon hearing about this boyfriend, claims I won't be going to NC this summer since now I have a boyfriend. I don't really know if that's true but it definitely makes me feel like my future could indeed be here vs. feeling like there's nothing left & where the heck am I going to possibly start over at.

I also bit the bullet and hired a professional resume/cover letter writer to target entertainment law jobs specifically. As a likely result, I did score a couple good interviews (one job turned me down but the other I'm still waiting to hear about for a second interview; I need to follow up on that today). Such a job would change things dramatically if I can't get another stable, viable income stream from independent work and now that I have this boyfriend (the fabled guy my former therapist told me I should be going out with), I feel like "it's time to up your game; you can totally do this." If we're the sum of who we hang out with, then this guy blows everybody else away in that regard. As far as I'm concerned, if Mr. Big Stuff tried talking to me again I'd throw that in his face and inform him that he's got no chance. He should have thought about my value when I went to see him in December. His loss is my boyfriend's gain. Every single person I've talked to is Team New Boyfriend.

One of these days, I'll get a nickname for him but it's something that's got to come to me. Those are something else you can't manufacture or invent since mine come from using it to sum up everything you need to know about the person without excessive detail. The best is when other people use my nicknames to describe the same person. What's even more interesting is I found out recently the emergency room in NC misdiagnosed my toe injury and it's actually broken but never healed (and that's why I can't bend the lower joint in my index toe). If my toe had been broken, I might never have gone to Indiana since scheduling it before going back to NYC and not missing holidays with family was hard enough beforehand. If I'd not gone to Indiana, I wouldn't have had my heart broken and learned Mr. Big Stuff was a dead end. If I'd thought there was still possibility with Mr. Big Stuff, I wouldn't have gotten dating profiles anywhere (including Hinge). If I'd never gotten a Hinge profile, I'd have never met my new boyfriend and if I'd never met my boyfriend then he wouldn't be in my life now, wouldn't be my boyfriend and I'd not be feeling that heady rush stuff. It definitely feels like something out of "Sliding Doors" (a movie you should see if you haven't). What's even cooler is that he's seen lots of movies and TV shows I reference. He even mentioned a show that I'd also seen and claimed he was the only one who'd seen it!!! You get to do a lot more shorthand when you're in one of those heady rush situations mainly because you discover that you're on the same mental plane. Dating my ex-husband consisted of a lot of that and we were definitely a couple who disgusted people with their PDA. I'm sure my boyfriend and I would also be that couple if more social settings were happening but perhaps people in NYC are more chill about such things & there are fewer people around here though things are perking up.

Sleep may just about be hitting me so I might be doing more of it in a bit. Let's see.

Friday, January 29, 2021

Just Waiting on What the Future Holds

Made it back to NYC, got a negative on that first COVID test now just awaiting results on the second one. I'll have to call that place tomorrow if they don't have my results today (though they told me 2 days and it's been 2 days since I went). Thought I'd go to CityMD again but when I got there before 11 am they were at capacity for the day (they opened at 9 am). I was like "if I have to get up to be here at 9, I'm probably going to be very pissy being up that early". Not a lie; if I have no real reason to be awake early I like to avoid doing it. Wouldn't we all??

I've been on those upscale dating apps and some other ones for a bit and getting back to NYC, I discovered far more hotties in the area, got more likes and an interesting new contact who wants to discuss me assisting on a non-profit he wants to set up. Got rid of my pic with me and Mr. Big Stuff on my vision board & know what I need to replace it with (a pic of my youngest niece for one since she actually hugged me on her own volition while I was down there though I'm not going to have the bond of Mama or Gaghee, which is literally how my mom spells the name my oldest nephew dubbed her as a "grandma" term).

After finding out that your address information and other details of your community board application don't become shown to the world, I opted to apply for community board in my area. If I got that, I'd have to stay in this area. Whether they accept me or not, I have no idea since I don't have direct involvement in THIS community but have lived in NYC for a very long time, did speak at a community board meeting in my old neighborhood in the marriage days & am probably responsible for a small segment of Queens subsequently getting FiOS after years of promises that up to that point hadn't materialized into FiOS service. Also, if you really want to affect change in government you go do stuf like this. Go to the community board meetings, speak to people, apply for it when the applications open up, call up your local reps and state your views, run for government roles & so forth. You don't burn down buildings, loot neighborhood businesses and put your neighbors out of work. You also don't turn your community into a shithole if you want anybody to give a damn about it. I was doing this sort of thing long before the rise of SJWs so I look at their tactics and say "they've perverted legitimate protest and legitimate issues." Decades of psychological study also defy the leftist manifesto and general tactics. This is also why I'm going to keep laughing when people with zero knowledge of what they speak talk about politics and civic matters.

When you've run for office, lobbyed or even spoken with anyone from your local rep's office THEN I'll listen when you speak on such topics. Otherwise, stick to acting, modeling, producing or whatever it is you do & actually know something about.

As far as politics, I'm like "dazzle me, bitches!!" Talk is cheap, action is everything. We'll see what happens. I like to think many other people have a similar take and are watching to see what Biden does here. Will he call out the leftists? Reign in BigTech? Get that stimulus out as promised? Will Cuomo revitalize NYC (he claims we need to reopen but what's he going to do about the rampant crime that's caused a literal "Escape from NYC")? Will he remove DeBlasio, who might be hated by just about everyone in NYC and a lot of people outside of NYC?

Hatred of DeBlasio and his race pandering wife (yes, you can be a minority & a race panderer just as you can be any color of the rainbow & be a shitty person) might be another point of common ground along with love of Betty White. I've never seen anyone say "I hate Betty White."

Just noticed "Youth of a Nation" by POD playing on my iTunes list. That seems fitting for the moment we're in, huh?

Realized that I don't think NC is going to be my future. For one thing, it's probably not very good for dating to find the predominant accent of an area to be one of your turnoffs. It probably also isn't good to be in a place where you need to have a car to get around & not have one of your own. Then there's not having many people involved in your niche in the area, being constrained by too many past connections you'd like to get away from & not wanting your life to feel like "Our Town" or some very boring soap opera. It's also hard to find guys down there who are childfree & won't want you to pop out their babies or adopt a mom role with their kids. I also don't want to be the only cool person in the room; there's got to be more people like you to hang around. But the question is, where do you go if NYC is dead?

I'm not sure if it is yet. I know what my personal tipping point will be but I'm sort of seeing where life will take me. Is it going to be here, some bigger city of North Carolina, northern Arkansas if I get into that incentive program, some other locale that is offered? My law license would like New York or Connecticut but I could do in-house counsel work most other places. I could even motion into the US Virgin Islands if I wanted to because of having a Connecticut law license, which I think is cool.

Then I also met this guy in NC and had a very weird experience since he never actually tried making a move on me, had invited me to stay in a room at his house aside from any romantic interest then he bails on taking me out for my birthday though I'd stayed over at his house and he never even sat next to me when I sat down at his home. I'm like "what the hell?!?!" That would never happen in NYC, even with the most gentleman of gentleman. I'm divorced, caught up on my missed years of adventure and while I'm not a whore, I'm also not a teenager. He was also a NC native while I've had better conversation with 2 other guys who moved there but aren't from there. One even wants to visit me up here and I said there'd be some video chatting before I even considered that. We didn't even go on a date while I was down there so I kind of insist on that. He told me he didn't have the Southern accent so that's points for me.

I'll still be writing this blog and trying to figure out if I can do more surreal adventures I can post but I definitely will be looking more towards my podcast so when I get that official link with the new name, I'll have to post that so you can hear it. Might have to start fielding off more crazies after that as well but fielding off crazies has been part of my life for a good while so that'd be a whole "what's new?" kind of thing.

Saturday, January 2, 2021

Looking Back on 2020 & Thinking About the Future

Doing this on someone else's laptop is a total pain. Hoping my own laptop will be back in commission sooner rather than later. I went to see Mr. Big Stuff in Indiana at HIS invitation back in December and discovered my screen was cracked when I got there. Perhaps that was a portend of the other events that happened in that time.

The day I arrived, things were good and he was well aware that I was staying for 2 weeks. The next day, he brings up three ways when I'd told him before I didn't want to feel like that was a condition to me being in his life, felt he was asking me to degrade myself for him & wouldn't be comfortable with that since I couldn't tell him I wouldn't rip some woman's hair out if I saw her with him in that way. As time goes on, he tells me he's stressed out with his Masters in AI program, has all these grand plans to travel, is eager to take the coronoavirus vaccine and that trip to FL we were supposed to take as a test of our future if the pandemic hadn't happened?? He was planning to invite "friends" he fucked and planned to fuck women in front of me like I was going to be cool with that.?

Yeah, I pointed out that he violated the basic rules of relationships and our 5 year history by lying to me about his "not being built for monogamy", growing up Mormon (he'd told me he was Catholic when we met and he claimed he converted in college when I met him & I pointed out that Catholics aren't on board with the sharing shit), his stance on me not sleeping with other guys when we were exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend, his claim to love me even as we were doing intimate things (I'd also told him not to even invite me to travel if he was going to introduce me to some local ho or be going out on dates while I was present) and generally deceiving me about his "lifestyle" knowing I was going through a painful divorce when we met + decided to return to my life in 2017 after I'd told him to fuck off, that he was dead to me and blocked him from everything. He even violated the rules of his own lifestyle since you're not supposed to force people to be okay with sharing and sister wife shit & you certainly aren't supposed to keep that from someone for 5 years, make special effort to follow and see them and act like somebody matters like he did to me.

Looking back maybe a week afterwards, I thought that maybe he'd been trolling me since he's got a history of doing that but realized that it doesn't matter since that's his loss, I could get a far better guy than him and immediately reactivated one dating app I was on as well as got accounts on a few other ones. I even got approved for 2 upscale dating apps (both of which are against sugar daddy seekers) and have had guys contact me on them. One reason for that is to prove to myself that he's indeed wrong when he claims that all guys who live in NYC and have Type A personalities are anti-monogamy and demand you to degrade yourself for them by sharing them with other bitches if you ever hope to have anything with them. I feel like that statement is wrong and not all guys with money are wannabe Caligulas.

Before I took that trip, I thought about the worst case scenario and decided I'd rather be free from any illusions of a future with that guy or feeling any love towards him & at a minimum, I could say I'd visited a state I'd not been to before. I actually told him I took back any claim to love him if he didn't love me. He claimed to "care a lot" about me but I find that illogical since he wanted me to do that sharing shit; he can hire a prostitute for that, not waste my time and expect me to become some bisexual ho to please him. I view asking someone to share when they're able and willing to satisfy you + you have no real commitment to them like marriage or kids to be the opposite of caring for them.

I realized that 1) I'm the one who left since he would have been a-okay with me going along and told me I didn't have to leave immediately when he claimed he didn't know I'd planned for 2 weeks (staying 1 week turned out to be a blessing since 2 weeks would have been unbearable), 2) I kept my dignity intact and that's a good thing & 3) that whole thing is over. When he moved away from NYC, he wasn't really an ex since we didn't have a formal breakup but this was a breakup and an end. There's closure.

He was also nicer to me about it than my ex-husband ever was. His last words to me were "best of luck to you" and he claimed he wouldn't be bashing me to his friends and contacts for being for monogamy and seeing jealousy as a part of human nature vs. a character flaw as he claimed it was. I told him he's also in the minority for wanting to do communal living, a life I'd never be suited for (facts: most communes failed and open relationships don't last long term). My last words were "ciao" since I didn't feel charitable enough to wish him well though I didn't feel like wishing him to Hell either.

I still hope karma gets him and he lives to regret what he did since I didn't make it easy for him in the least & won't since that's not the kind of woman I am. Had he done that before any emotional investment happened, say when he met me 5 years ago we could have walked away with no harm, no foul. Maybe then he could have been friends with me.

Friends and family have no love for him. I don't even have to wish bad on him since they're wishing more than enough bad on him for this & he claimed he wouldn't be doing that to me (it's not in his interest to try it anyway). His claim for apologizing to me in 2017 when he really had no reason for it was "I missed you." Well, this time I don't think he'd get a second chance since "fool me once, shame on you" but "fool me twice, shame on me." He claimed to have forgotten many things he'd said to me before and I don't want a guy with such a bad memory.

Not to mention he didn't get the symbolism of "I Can't Go for That (No Can Do" by Hall & Oates playing as he was driving me to the airport from his house. I also found the weather symbolic since it was raining and awful outside that morning but as we were on the interstate, the dark clouds were clearing away to make way for a bright sky. Actually, I took that as an omen and took pics of it to remind myself of things being dark now but that brighter days were ahead for me. I can't deal with a guy who doesn't get symbolism; that's as bad to me as a guy telling me I "use big words."

Mr. Big Stuff also has plenty of flaws and I remind myself of those in order to avoid them in the next guy. He may be cute but he's not the only good looking guy in this world and I went on those dating apps to remind myself of that fact. He's not even the only good looking guy who'd give me the time of day & his being gone so much makes things far more easier. I also am happy that I found out in this way rather than in FL where I might have been stuck surrounded by bitches and with no escape hatch to be found. That would have been even more traumatic for me. It also occurs to me that apparently he thinks he's Christian Grey without the BDSM stuff. Certainly his voice sounds like what you'd expect the devil at your shoulder to sound like though I won't deny that it's sexy.

So the knowledge that I did the right thing for myself is one positive from the pandemic. As my sister said, maybe the virus will make his dick fall off. I laughed at that and felt like that would be a true lesson; sterility wouldn't hurt either since he claimed to want kids but would never be selfless enough for them since he didn't even celebrate his own birthday, much less any holidays despite us spending a Thanksgiving together that he claimed he enjoyed. As I said, I want karma to fix him for that and it will eventually since we're all accountable for the harm we inflict on others.

Another positive of the pandemic is plexiglass shields in places, curbside pickups for things including clothing, not having to see people you don't even like (so great for those who didn't do extended family events or hated going to them in the first place), spending more time with nieces and nephews than I have for any part of their lives, resolving some conflicts from my past and perhaps the ultimate time to reevalute things (in my case, seeing my hometown from a new perspective and resolving some old conflicts with family). It's still not as hard for me emotionally as my divorce was, this breakup or the pandemic taking my main income source away. My mother assures me that I'll be fine since I'm "a Phoenix". Part of me is still like "how the hell DO you still maintain a sense of reality while keeping the positive vibes you need to have if you want to manifest the things you need/want to have a good existence?" Perhaps that's the struggle of all practical types who run their own businesses.

I also have to figure out how to create a business brand that's authentic to my personal and who I am since I'm not some boring ass lawyer & can't do that. That feels like something I need to have my own laptop for though it is something I fully intend to do. Revising my resumes today, even my per diem legal resume, made me feel more accomplished and like a boss babe than I was feeling. I've discovered in the dating world that income isn't nearly as relevant as what you're doing in your life & the struggles you overcame to get there. One guy today told me being the first person in my immediate family to go to college and the first in my entire family to go to any law school is an accomplishment that I should be proud of. I've been looking back at how I thought and my mindset in those days.

The main thing I remember is that I simply said I was going to do certain things. I was going to go to law school. I was going to live in NYC. I was going to get out of my hometown. There was never a thought of "what if you don't do that?" That just wasn't in my psyche. I don't even think "what if you don't find a better guy than Mr. Big Stuff" exists in my psyche since I just adamantly believe that such guys do exist. When or how I find them is a whole other story but I do believe they're out there. I didn't know exactly what law school I was going to attend but I did get to do it & here I am still licensed in that state.

Perhaps too many people have been trying to talk me out of my career stuff and there's just too much boring crap out there in my field for me to see a way to do my own methods. I probably need to pinpoint someone specialized in this world who gets that I am who I am and can offer a plan that works for ME, not any old entertainment attorney or even any old lawyer. That plan isn't something that's materialized in my brain like so many other plans did. Then I need to find the devotees who've got money for my services.

I have some fans, even some who liked my podcast I started doing and will continue to do. It's the same name as this blog and if you want to do listener support, be my guest but I'll not beg people for things or expect them to carry me. I'll change the name at some point but I need that to come to me as well.

One other big thing that surprised me this year was winning a Yelpie award that was based on a vote by the Yelp community. I've got a trophy and a gift basket of goodies waiting for me once I get back to NYC so that'll be fun; I also had no idea I was that popular or my reviews had such an impact on the community for me to get 2nd runner up in the Veteran Impact Award. I've also got a fashion shoot to do and a guy in Connecticut who wants to meet me in person so that makes me smile some. A dreaded milestone birthday is also on the horizon but I guess I can lay claim to not remotely looking that age, still attracting younger guys (though I decided I'm over guys under 30 since they're too unreliable and I'm not looking to be anybody's sugar mommy even if I had the means for it) and getting to spend it with family. I even lost weight since the pandemic weight gain though it remains to be seen if I can fit into my old bottoms again or not. My great black jeans fit me better now but perhaps I should have brought other bottoms to see how they do.

I'm also thinking I'll apply for community board since if I got that, I'd certainly have a reason to stay in NYC. I also may have the option of getting into Connecticut or even traveling with one of my buddies I've traveled with before (who reminded me that when things seem the worst with you, there's always somebody who's got more troubles to deal with & money can't shield you from life's troubles). With community board, at least there's learning how that process works and seeing that from firsthand knowledge. Plus if you actually want to do something productive to help your community and the world that's far more effective than torching public buildings, assaulting cops and vandalizing people's homes.

My life is still a big question mark and that's frustrating but everybody kind of has that going on at the moment. I'm also trying to remember that old lesson from 2014: life is the ocean. Life IS change.

Now I'm just seeing where my direction is going and I know of the things I want and things I won't tolerate at all. Who's wondering where the tipping point is for society, individuals and the like??