Monday, September 29, 2014

Why You Should Never Get Married More Than Once (Or At All If You're Smart)

Now I'm going through a divorce & have only been physically out of my marital home for going on 7 months. However, I am as certain as I can be that I'm never, ever getting married again. If you are smart, take heed of my words & don't make my mistake the first time.

Why should you never get married? Many, many reasons.

1. Being married is not as glamorous or cool as it looks. If you had high standards for yourself & managed to land a total hottie (at least in your mind), you still have to deal with the fact that this hottie is a human being. (S)he has emotions, feelings, mood swings, psychological problems, quirks, pet peeves, whatever will undoubtedly piss you off about someone. You also have emotions, feelings, mood swings, psychological problems, quirks, pet peeves, etc. They WILL piss the other person off sooner or later.

It's all pretty & nice when you're in that warm, fuzzy love phase but eventually you leave that. Then you'd better hope you're not living with a slob, pro-lifer, alcoholic, money grubbing, insecure saboteur or whatever else infuriates & annoys you to the point that a trip to the nearest mental hospital looks more appetizing than spending another minute with this person.

I can now fully understand why people feel an urge to kill their spouses. Maybe it was your own psychosis or it was their psychosis driving you over the edge.

Think about if you had to be on a desert island with this person. Let's say they have some great survival skill you don't. Could you still stand to be around him/her even if they didn't have this great survival skill?

2. Immaturity. Ladies: some men are like dogs. The wealth of immature 30 something guys just astounds me. When I have to "train" you, you've already lost the battle with me. If that guy hasn't lived on his own for a while & had to take care of himself without Mommy & Daddy, you need to run like hell. If he has a sugar mommy & isn't facing hunger or homelessness or total ruin in some fashion, you'd better take some time to ask yourself (and him) if he expects YOU to fulfill that role if he commits to you.

A man seeking a meal ticket is a man you want nothing to do with. Let him find someone else dumb enough to finance his bullshit. Or leave him to pay for hookers since maybe with enough money, they can be motivated to give a damn about his laziness. That is called being a child. If you don't mind doing it & know this isn't the sort of guy you're going to want meeting friends, family, especially children who will resent him for taking their future inheritance, go right ahead & enjoy the short term benefits.

When I have to play games or make the first move ALL THE DAMN TIME with a guy, I'm not going to be interested. Especially when other guys contact me on their own initiative & take an interest in my life. Ditch me & you are done. Disrespect me (and reading a Facebook meme yesterday, I can assert that natural redheads are the grand divas based on hair color alone) & you are not only done, you can die in a fire. Somehow, a guy disrespecting a natural redhead dying in a fire seems very poetic. Our hair is described as "fire" and some jerk getting consumed by it just sounds like wonderful symbolism.

I took a Facebook test recently asking "What Color is Your Aura?" & I got red. Fitting for these times & maybe just in general.

3. In-laws!!! Many people are fucking immature. If you've seen "Mama's Family," you have a somewhat inflated idea of the scale of immaturity some people have when it comes to their parents. Unfortunately I saw too late just how immature my ex was. Being from NC, there's the whole tradition of "showing respect to your elders" and I think it turns lots of adults into overgrown children being slaves to Mommy & Daddy's whims and lives instead of doing their own thing.

It's even worse when kids are involved & gets plain insulting since some of these grandparents are just narcissistic assholes who could care less about their grandkids.

Coming from this tradition & seeing my mother, sister and childhood best friend subjected to all kinds of lessening of position and disrespect from in-laws, I really didn't want to get married at all. I was hard core about not putting up with that. Seems you have to be marrying a man, not a boy if you want a man to stand by you on that.

I thought I was okay b/c my ex said he didn't really like his family & had taken to ignoring most of their unpleasantness but indulging them on minor things. Don't fall for that one. When he decided to take out his personal issues on me & get pissy at me for being me, he sided with the people attacking his self-interest or stifling him in a heartbeat.

It would be cold of me to tell a guy "You can't marry or be in a serious relationship with me unless your parents are dead or you disown them." I've not really heard about a family where the daughter in law was welcomed with open arms, treated with respect and truly treated as "one of the family."

I fear some guys would have their parents whacked so they could be with me. While that might be a very sweet sentiment, it's just not something I think a person should do. After all, Susan Smith tried that with her kids & look what happened to her?

Word of advice: if you aren't dealing with a grown up man/woman vs. someone whose parents are too involved in their lives, have influence over who they date, what they wear, if they take that vacation, etc. run like hell. If that person picks their parents over you all the time, you will always lose if you get married. If you have children, it will get worse.

Frankly, if you have not asserted yourself as an adult you can't get involved with me. I had to finally do this last year after my father died & I ended up in a fight with my mother over the shirt I chose to wear. No 30 something should be having that fight with their parents. If you've got your own place, make your own money & especially if you have your own kids, your parents should NOT being doing things like that. If they are, something has gone very wrong or you have a hyper religious parent.

I am done with that. Give me a man with no living parents or who's disowned his parents & never talks to them. Some women might be turned off & repulsed. If he's got good looks, ambition & maturity, it might be all I can do not to just shout "Take me!!!" right then & there.

Remember I'm the woman who said she'd rather go to prison than live with her parents again.

4. The myth of "unconditional love." I already covered this one but marriage isn't about unconditional love. If it were, I'd still be married now. There is nothing you can do that would make someone stop loving you or caring if their love for you is unconditional. As I mentioned, it doesn't exist. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Fairy tale love is NOT real life.

If you find it, I think you just have it for the moment. I'd dare you to do something you know your SO won't like. Go have an affair, indulge in your vices, whatever it is they don't like you doing. I guarantee you'll eventually find yourself without that spouse. So much for "unconditional love," right?

5. That "compromise" stuff. I'm in a really selfish phase right now. The whole "giving" thing that is part of my personality is just completely spent. Think of it being like a guy who's just come & instantly dropped into unconsciousness or exhaustion; that's where my "standing by your man" and "caring" level is at.

Such a selfish feeling person can't do another serious relationship, where you have to care a little about the other person & try to help them advance in things. At least if you don't want to just waste your time & have unhealthy relationships or go out & get a job as a prostitute. I'm sure even prostitutes have to deal with caring about the client on some level, though. Get him to come at least.

The biggest mistake you can make is living someplace you aren't happy in to please a spouse or significant other. I would be a very miserable person living in NC & my home is NYC. That is where I feel my spiritual best & am my 100%. Yes, there are flaws in NYC & no place is perfect but it's a lie to say you'll be happy living anywhere as long as your sweetie is there. A story.

My father told me once when I was visiting NC one summer from college "Now you see why I drink," after I told him about my misery at being in NC instead of in Atlanta (which I loved as a city but not as "the South"). He continued to be miserable in NC, got falsely arrested after my sister's first husband died and eventually died suddenly at work last year.

Want that to be you? If you don't, you'd best be looking at your own happiness & needs because no one is going to really care about them like you. A spouse is "supposed" to do that stuff but a spouse is supposed to do a LOT of things like be a damn adult & put that family before the one they were born into. Countless don't.

6. Finding the right person is impossible. You might as well pursue a staring role on Broadway or try becoming President of the United States. I think a person would have a far better chance at succeeding at that stuff than having a marriage that doesn't just end with divorce (unless your spouse dies).

7. Ceding your independence. You have to do that in order to get married. Shared accounts, shared social media, shared cars, electronics, never getting to decorate as YOU want to. Once you lose your independence, it is a big pain to regain it. You feel like you've regressed to being a teenager (and you stay with your parents, you'll definitely feel that way).

I'm just not up to giving it up again once I regain it. After the ordeal of divorce, you wouldn't want to either. To want to do that would make you insane or far more giving than I ever was, even at my most charitable. I can be charitable to cats; I can't do that with people. Maybe that's because cats are cuter & don't pretend to like you or care when they really don't.

Now I say don't do it at all if you can help it but I know some people have to experience things for themselves. I was under the whole haze of love at one time myself. The guy I married made me feel things no one else ever had. I thought it was the real thing but clearly there is nothing. The best I can hope for is satisfying sex from a bunch of guys & the whole "everyday is a new adventure" idea. I find that freeing & wonderful. Also helps when people think you're in your 20s. Some days, looking younger than you are & prettier than most women are pluses.

If you have that, don't tie yourself down to one person who will end up not appreciating you or just taking you for granted.

I'm childfree so I have no kids to worry about having or messing up if I don't get married. I think I've made my point.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Sugar Daddies & Sugar Mommies: Would You, Should You & Is There a Sexual Bias Here?

I personally don't like the term "sugar daddy." I prefer the term "benefactor."

For one thing, my father died last year & I only called him "Daddy" when I was a little kid (before all the estrangement stuff). Second, the term "sugar baby" implies you are but an underling in this whole arrangement & are basically some guy or girl's slave or toy with no rights to anything. I think the term "sugar daddy" is just too controlling for my tastes. After all, I am a feminist.

The interesting thing, though, is that I have had men approach me and volunteer to do that. One such man offered shortly after the spiritual end of my marriage. I did nothing special to make this happen; much like in regular dating, I had no particular approach other than being my normal self & sharing my own experience of the utter failure of my marriage. It's something I feel you should tell people since the pain just rolls off some people & I'm sure it's obvious with me. It felt like when it first happened, my stress/trouble/unhappiness and sorrow were just oozing off me. Sometimes we give off an aura & I think my aura was shouting "I'm in pain & I'm in trouble. Won't you help me, please?" It may still shout that, I'm not sure.

That was the first time a guy had EVER done that. This was an older gentleman but not someone completely repulsive. I also feel personality helps; if you aren't a total cretin, it can be okay.

Ultimately, I said "no" since he seemed way too controlling. For one thing, don't you ever try to dictate what I wear. I am the model. I have also been known for being a fashionista since high school, where I could buy my own clothes & had my own distinct style. They didn't give me "Best Dressed" in my high school pageant for nothing. Nor have I gotten compliments on my attire from fashion people while at fashion networking events for no reason.

The irony is I met this guy at a fashion networking event, a magazine launch party. I came in to this event with the same mission as I have at any other event: mingle, give out business cards, get to know people, have some food if it's free or a friend offers me some. Sometimes, you start seeing the same people or you get recognized.

For another, not a good plan to pressure me for exclusivity at any point in time. I wouldn't like that now, either. I've got a nearly 10 year relationship to get over, the offers seem endless & I have an aimless direction in my life now. I have no means of long term plans since I'm just trying to get through the next month. When you have to survive, you can't think that far.

My curse is that men seemingly fall in love with me without my doing much more than being myself. I've had guys get obsessed with me when I was hardly on my best behavior around them; these people definitely saw me at less than my best moments. Yeah, I'm good sexually but I don't know that it warranted some of the crazy shit I've had to deal with.

I also feel that women will get a lot more sympathy in society having a benefactor than a man would, especially if she's going through hard times. I can't imagine anyone blaming me if I took that up considering my ex stole all the money, leaving me having to do what I have to in order to survive b/c I have no family or friends in the area who can help me. Women typically have less money, more sex appeal & everyone's used to this story. It's older than the dawn of time. Famous actresses have often gotten where they are b/c of hooking up with the right rich guy who invested in a movie she wanted so she could star in it (trust me, if you've got an investor with lots of money & he wants his girlfriend in that film the average filmmaker/producer/agent is going to everything they can to get to that money; I heard some stories from the agent I worked with).

But men? I have consistently heard about how my ex really wasn't much of a man considering he bitched about his job all the time, threatened to kill himself on his way to work, did nothing to change his situation and did not give his wife "the good life" or fancy presents. Now I'm not a materialistic person, which was probably not a great idea on my part & I've since decided to consider income and finances of a potential suitor far more than I used to but that is a huge topic in many places. I even read an article today on Slate about how there are few "marriageable men" in America today b/c few have steady jobs. In fact, at least one male friend told me I deserved better & should get the finer things in life.

If my ex could get a sugar mommy, I'm sure he would have & might still do that. I now think he wanted me to do that & got all pissy b/c my career didn't start paying the money he wanted so he could sit on his butt & do nothing. Telling people about this little plan has prompted them to say "He wasn't much of a man or a husband." However, I don't think he's hot or slick enough to get away with some woman financing his life.

I also feel like most men aren't as sympathetic as women, even women who aren't facing homelessness or who've become displaced heiresses (so to speak; I feel that way sometimes). The woman trying to pursue her entertainment career is generally more sympathetic in society than the man doing the same thing. What do we call men doing such things? Gigolos, right?

Men are still expected in some corners to "take care" of women, especially in the Southern tradition I came from. A man being cared for by a woman would have his masculinity questioned & no woman would want that guy trying to leech off her (if she's smart, at least).

If I were stupid enough to even consider an exclusive relationship, much less marriage, I would not want a man leeching off me. He'd have to have his own goals, ambition & a salary suitable to take care of himself. Most men also resent & get pissy toward women who earn more than they do. One of those male pride things, I'm sure much like how they get upset if you tell them some other guy was bigger (especially if you tell him a particular guy was Godzilla's tail & he's not even close to that) or better in bed than he is or than you think he'd be.

Shockingly, I figured I wasn't the sugar daddy type since I'm not a submissive person in life or willing to let anyone dictate to me. How much money you have will never impress me; you have to actually have a personality I like & not piss me off. Am I pretty? Certainly. Would guys with means be interested in doing that? Maybe if they got to know me. Lots of guys like my "spunk" & that I take no shit off anyone. I say the things some women might not & some guy might hate me telling certain truths but I will do it. If some guy with money isn't looking for a mindless little robot or sex doll, he might be really happy with a woman like me.

I also have the whole redhead thing going for me, which a lot of girls don't. I was once told LA was a blonde's town & NYC was a brunette's town. Yeah, I stand out everywhere. I've seen redheads in NYC but no sign of my twin. Redheads also have certain truths about them that a guy is just going to have to deal with. Telling one not to have a temper is like telling the sun not to shine. In particular, telling me not to be competitive in certain ways when it comes to other chicks (or using the phrase "other bitches") is like telling a cat not to meow. That stuff doesn't work; we are like wild horses but you can't tame most of us.

My figuring was if I was going to get a sugar daddy, a few conditions would need to be met:

1. He'd have to be attractive to my eye. A guy I'd date in normal circumstances so no creepy old guys or guys who weren't my type.

2. He'd have to accept me for who I am, not try to mold me into something I'm not.

3. He'd have to respect me. I insist on that from everyone & give as good as I get. Plus, I'm nobody's $2 ho.

4. He'd have to be single or separated. Interesting how we find people in our conditions; I've met quite a few men going through their own marital breakups. There should be a club or something.

Married people who aren't in open relationships verified by wives are trouble; no one needs some bitch calling up & declaring her a homewrecker. A married man doing that to women in my condition is the worst kind of egoist; there are plenty of single women who aren't in hard times & might be perfectly okay with such things or even some other married person in similar circumstances.

5. He couldn't have young children. It's just barbaric to steal food money from kids' mouths. I may be in dire straits but that doesn't mean I have the right to make a child go without. To me, no able bodied adult has the right to do that.

6. He'd have to be someone I could talk to who valued an educated woman. Some guys don't & that simply doesn't work. I've been advised to date on "my level," as in my educational level vs. my financial level. So guys in professions like doctor or financial exec or business exec are more fitting for this.

My attitude is "Nice work if you can get it but don't become someone's robot."

As I've said before, while a person is in survival mode, you have zero right to judge them. Go walk a mile in their shoes or go do something so they don't need a benefactor. If you can't or won't do that, shut the fuck up. Otherwise you are just as bad as a pro-lifer telling a pregnant teenaged girl who's just gotten kicked out of parents' house & is living on the street to go ahead and have the baby while voting to cut welfare + not bothering to help this teenage girl in any fashion. Real nice to preach from up high when YOU aren't personally affected or having to live that life. You just look like an asshole.

I think a woman would be more likely to be forgiven for having had a sugar daddy than a man would be for having a sugar mommy, even if neither of them were in survival mode & merely wanted spa trips and designer stuff vs. getting attorneys, places to live, food, that kind of thing. Any thoughts?

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Now, an Innovative Business Idea

A few days ago, I thought of an interesting business idea that if you could execute would be awesome.

We have all these people who are in "failure to launch" mode who are still living with their parents or are forced to move back b/c of the economy, relationship breakups & so forth, right? You also have people who hate where they grew up or would have zero career opportunity or prospect where their parents live while some ask you "What's the big deal about being THERE?" and would view it as some great adventure.

I had that exact conversation with a close friend & I said "People always idealize where they didn't grow up." I said my feelings about where he grew up are different that his probably are & I'd feel about his hometown like he feels about the idea of living in NC. I'd say "What's the big deal? Sounds nice," while he might think differently. I'd feel like a failure & like I had nothing to look forward to or a purpose in my life.

There are also sites like Couchsurfing where you could go to other places & have a place to crash for cheaper or maybe it's free? I don't know too many details about it but that's a business that exists & has a website. Check it out & you tell me.

So if we have all these people going back to their parents' houses but don't want to, why not have some type of exchange where you could stay in some other part of the country or world where you'd actually want to live? Create a serious vetting & background check system, make the hosts tell you all kinds of things like about their expectations, habits, etc. & have them think of this visitor as like an adopted kid or exchange student. They could do all that nurturing stuff for someone who'd likely be more appreciative, less sulky & find the experience much better than their kid might. Let's face it, if some kid wanted to be at home so bad they'd already be there & stay put instead of moving far away. I feel like if someone has a home in an area they hate, why not trade that with someone who would actually appreciate it more & go someplace with it instead of them being there, miserable & either dying in misery or just not doing anything b/c they can't live their passion or find something that makes them happy?

I'd be thrilled with that type of exchange & anyone who didn't come from money or have life handed to them would probably like it as well.

Thought of all sorts of things in this new normal aside from seeing near strangers be much nicer to me than my ex or his relatives ever were. Sometimes it's hard to believe that there actually are some good people in the world. It completely astounds me when some guy is actually around & interested in my well being. When someone actually does something that they say they are going to do. Guess that's a sign of my super cynical nature.

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt but it can be very hard. Also, sorry I'm not Little Miss Perfect or do & say things you don't like. I think I'm a little entitled to some imperfection in my life; if I'm not the paragon of love and virtue, you should blame my ex. He is the one who kicked me when I was down & made me much more hardened than I already was. People have a limited head space and emotional capacity along with emotional strength. I was at an event a few days ago talking about what I'd been through & the person I was talking to (who, herself, had been through similar) said I should be off in a room crying somewhere. I said that I was feeling like doing that. Not sure I'll ever be completely cried out or over all this. People have told me it will get better; I really hope they're right. Haters ought to be warned that if I go down, they'll be going with me & karma will have their asses as well.