Friday, December 19, 2014

Lawyers (Especially Divorce Lawyers): Stop Pretending You Give a Damn!!!

You know how family & divorce attorneys have these grand websites telling you how much they care about their clients & how much pro bono work/helping others they do? Well, in my experience that is total & utter bullshit.

The only time any of these people care is if you've got thousands of dollars to pay a retainer. I have encountered exactly zero family law attorneys, even among people I know, who have said "Here, Angry Redheaded Lawyer let me alleviate your stress & help you on this divorce against your ex's pro attorney." I've not had any type of regard shown for me by actual divorce attorneys in my region who know this area & could help me if they had half a mind to or even some tiny shred of empathy for me.

Realistically, legal aid is not a good option for someone who is an attorney, needs legal counsel at once & is being argued against a man so scummy he had the gall to ask for maintenance and counsel fees from someone who's got NOTHING whatsoever because he stole it all AND illegally evicted her with the help of the landlord.

If you were in this situation & yourself an attorney in need, wouldn't you find it incredibly hypocritical to find some divorce attorney's website saying they care about their clients & do all this pro bono work when they refuse to bother to help you or do anything useful? Not even saying something like "You are a stronger person than me" or "You are stronger than most people because you haven't developed a substance abuse problem, gone insane or crawled back to Mommy & Daddy's after all that. I admire you for it."

Turning away someone when they ask for help, especially if they aren't the type of person who likes asking in the first place, is how suicide and downfalls happen. Without going into too much detail, I have still managed to stay in the Tri-State area & haven't gotten addicted to drugs or alcohol, attempted suicide, gotten committed to an insane asylum or crawled right back to Mommy and Daddy's house. In some ways, life is better for me now than it was with my ex.

Some of you should ask yourselves what you'd do if my situation happened to YOU. What would you do? Where would you be? How would you cope? If you think things would be 100% peachy keen, you're dead wrong. Even if you had a million dollars, you'd still have the emotional stuff to deal with & it would be very tempting to go buy some drugs or alcohol to muffle your pain. Imagine that your entire life, everything you knew for years, was gone. Everything is turned upside down & you had to fight to keep vestiges from your whole life and not end up in a full regression. Divorce is very much a regression along with a grieving period. I dare anyone who'd judge me or diss me to live a few months in my shoes. Give up your creature comforts, your easy money, a steady job, nearness to your family & see what happens. I think I'm entitled to some "props" and a little moral superiority if I look down on you for not being able to hack it as well as me.

I'd bet you if I were to kill myself or end up in legal trouble for drunk driving or drugs or got committed, these same people would be all sad & say "I wish I could have helped," "I had no idea" & "What could I have done?" Ha! I've given you the answer and you ignored it. These people would try turning my death or downfall into some great unsolvable tragedy when they in fact simply failed as human beings & did nothing. That is something I'd want these jerks to take with them & feel.

Unlike some of these lawyers who put on shows about how great they are as humanitarians, I've actually helped people for free before. Advice, sending sample forms, I've done that for colleagues. I've stood by my friends & if they were in dire straits & needed MY help, I wouldn't be a callous bitch refusing to do something I could easily do for them.

In the entertainment field, there are people who'd have your back and give a damn about not adding to your stress. People who actually ARE humanitarian in their nature, who will do for you instead of being a bloodsucking, lying asshole pretending to care when what they care about is the size of your wallet. There is SOME professional courtesy in the entertainment field that I'm not seeing in the legal field. I sure hope these people don't think I'd hire them if I had the money to retain them. If I had the money, I wouldn't bother with anyone I've contacted since they have proven to be total liars, completely unsympathetic & reinforcing my full on hatred of attorneys.

If you wanted to know why I won't do for other attorneys the way I do for other creatives, this is your answer. Producers & directors tend to help their friends and hire them for things. There's apparently zero friendship with your so-called attorney "friends" when you actually need their services & they could help you but just don't bother. Some could certainly afford it & frankly, my finances are likely in far worse shape than many of theirs at this point since I didn't talk to newbies just starting out. People in the entertainment industry will even help strangers in need sometimes. It seems attorneys don't do that, at least in divorce law. I've been told of attorneys who did barter with some clients. No one has offered that with me or bothered to be creative in things.

How many of you are sitting unemployed right now? Who will get off your ass & maybe actually HELP someone, even your own peers? I know how the game works, I know what legal aid offers & how that deal works so I get very insulted when people suggest that like I have no knowledge or thought of that. Let's get serious here.

So, there's a prime example of blatant hypocrisy for you & a damn good reason to hate lawyers. If I do a job website & ads I'm not going to say I "care" or that I do "pro bono" efforts when I don't. These attorneys should just say "if you can't afford my retainer, I don't care if your ex has the top divorce attorney in the country & you're broke with no rich people or good credit to get money from; I don't give a damn & wouldn't shed a tear if you died, had a nervous breakdown, ended up homeless or had your entire quality of life vanish b/c of the inaction of me and every other divorce attorney in this town."

People keep telling me to "move on" but how does one move on when they have to confront that reality of divorce all the time by having to represent themselves & handle it all by themselves, especially when their opposition is a spoiled brat with expert legal counsel they'd never be able to afford without Mommy & Daddy? That situation makes it impossible for me to move on so if you want me to stop talking about or dealing with it, how about getting me a divorce lawyer?

You'd think at the very least, some divorce attorney would like the challenge, have the Christmas spirit, want to help their own, have some righteous indignation at spoiled brat man children who treat their wives the way mine treated me after (my father died 9 months beforehand, by the way) or want to get in my good graces since if I can afford one, I sure won't hire anyone I contacted & especially not anyone who makes this big show of claiming to be SOOOO caring and humane when they aren't at all. Honesty will win points with me. Reinforcing my hatred of lawyers as a group will not; it simply makes me all the more wary & hostile toward them.

So if you're an attorney reaching out & I ask you certain questions or feel wary of you, that is why. Don't tell me "you shouldn't handle your own divorce" then have zero practical steps for me to not do that. It's just like with job hunts; everyone can give you pat answers & advice but never provide you actual contacts or an interview opportunity to really help you. Pat answers & advice are a waste of everyone's time. If you don't have actual knowledge on someone's problem, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

And The Stalkers Are Popping Out

The last time I was single, I had a few problems with guys refusing to leave me alone. I didn't want to tell them where I was or what I was doing for fear they were going to show up & bother me. To get rid of the 2 ex-boyfriend turned stalkers I had (one even went to my parents' house on Thanksgiving & left this wrought note about how his life was nothing without me, among other things), I had to tell one I had a boyfriend and the other that I was attending law school in a different state from where I was actually going.

For those of you who haven't had them, let's define what a stalker is. A stalker is someone who refuses to leave you alone. Someone who can't go live their own life & allow you to live yours. Oh, no! That would be too much for them.

Let someone go about their merry way & NOT bother them? God forbid!

I consider stalking as banal as saying "hi" to me at an event when I don't want to talk to you & have made that abundantly clear. When I cut you out, you are to be dead to me. I don't want to know you are still roaming this planet or NYC or wherever I happen to be.

One of my biggest pet peeves is someone still trying to talk to me when I have A) blocked them on social media, B) blocked their phone number, C) blocked their e-mail, D) said "I do not want to talk to you anymore," E) got my personal property out of their place or F) did anything that would make a rational, sane person say "You know something? She doesn't want anything to do with me. Maybe I should leave her alone."

Another huge pet peeve of mine is guys getting way too damn clingy & saying things that they have no grounds for. Case in point: I go to a networking event weeks back. Being where I am in life right now, I'm not as prompt in follow ups as I'd usually be. I go to networking events with the express purpose of networking & making business contacts. This is the same reason I use LinkedIn.

I DO NOT go to these events or use LinkedIn to have guys hit on me, call me "babe" (outside of a general entertainment industry context where they just call every female or everyone that) or declare their love. In the past week, I have had a total of 5 guys harass me or declare feelings they've got no business having.

1. A former friend/person I had an involvement with who has long since been blocked, told "I'm not interested," that kind of thing approaches me at an event. It startled me & frankly I didn't want to deal with it so I dashed off.

On my way to find someone more desirable to talk to (usually a cute guy by himself), I get a text message from another guy I had no interest in. This one revealed himself to be a Jesus freak & the thing that made me not want to speak to him further was his little sermon on the evils of pre-marital sex. The genie is out of that bottle, dude!

2. The Jesus freak says "hi," despite the last conversation where I said he should find someone more suited to him & his beliefs than me since he was not going to "save" me and I knew way too much about the Christian faith to be swayed by any attempt to make me into the frump they'd all love.

3. I go to a fashion show & meet a guy from Italy who says he'd like to learn American English. He instantly asks me if I'd want a serious relationship alongside telling me I'm "beautiful" and how great my eyes are. Had a friend with me I was trying to help forge business contacts & he was going to contact this guy.

The next day this guy is sending me text to e-mail messages & veers away from polite, normal topics into "I need your love. I need you."

Uh, no you do NOT "need" me!!!!! You had a 5 minute conversation with me after a fashion show & I left since my ride for the evening had to go. No way did you get to know me well enough to assess whether you "need" me or not.

If you get emotionally attached to someone that quickly, there is no hope for you in this life. There is definitely no hope for me if that's how all guys are going to react to me.

4. I get a connection request from LinkedIn from this guy who is a diver & has a mutual contact. Generally, I'm liberal on who I accept connection requests from on there since you never know who might be a useful or beneficial contact. If it's not someone trying to have a million contacts they never speak to, I'll generally approve. After all, you're getting the vanilla version of me on there so it's not like someone's going to be overcome by the vapors by having me as a connection. A Facebook friend, perhaps but NOT a LinkedIn connection.

Recently, I had to add my picture to my LinkedIn page. This is because I got a sponsored ad from Avvo offering very good terms & used my headshot pic that is on my company's website as well as my IMDB profile. I figured it wouldn't hurt to maintain some consistency.

I'm still very resistant to having a profile pic on there & I suppose this most recent experience illustrates why.

No sooner than I approve this request, I get a message asking me if I'd consider "a serious relationship." He talks about true love flourishing, calls me "babe" & tells me to respond to his personal e-mail address if I am interested.

I wrote a response a few days later since at first I'm thinking "Was I just propositioned on here?" Who calls a woman he's not married to or dating "babe" in a LinkedIn message? I'm also thinking to myself "Is this guy offering to be my sugar daddy or something?" I've gotten quite a few in-person offers for that stuff that I may have mentioned before. How, I don't know. I did nothing particularly special, just be myself & show up. Maybe it's part of 2.0 stuff & the new order.

5. Yesterday, while I'm going about my business & dealing with tasks at hand I get an e-mail from a guy I met at a networking event ages back. He sends me a pic of a rose & says "i remember you very week...i think of you every days, please reply to me."

Then he signs off with "Kisses"

I want to know: what the holy fuck?!?!?!?

First off, I might be pretty & I might be a great conversationalist with a sense of humor but I'm not so sure it warrants that type of reaction. Men falling in love with me in 5 minutes by just having a conversation with me & not even seeing me naked? I'm highly skeptical of that claim.

I at least had sex with some of these stalkers & maybe a reaction like that afterwards is understandable. Not to brag or anything but natural redheads have some skills & I'm not exactly a slouch in that department. I could very well have spoiled a few men in my time. More than one has told me I was "the best [he] ever had."

Some of them shouldn't forget it since it seems lots of women are either super freaks or stone cold frigid. There's very little middle ground or "lady on the street, freak in the sheets" types.

I also realize there are some sexually deprived men. That's a situation I feel some sympathy towards depending on how long that's been happening. It's not always the ugly or average guys, either.

Second, I don't believe in love at first sight. In fact, I don't believe in love at all. I feel it's a term guys use when they really mean they are in lust with you. Apparently falling in lust with me is so easy, I don't even have to try to get that reaction. They seem to take one look at me, have a short conversation & BOOM! One more man enamored with me for some reason; this is why I have a Facebook fan page.

Third, I hate clingy guys just as much as your typical guy hates clingy girls. My first boyfriend Psycho Boy was such a clinger, I'd have suffocated if I'd stayed in that relationship. I felt like I was gasping for air at times. Let me tell you right now clinginess is NOT endearing, charming, flattering or romantic.

I view being clingy as the emotional equivalent of a tick on your skin. Maybe even a tick on the side of your boob like a fellow camper I bunked with once had to deal with. She couldn't even put a shirt on to go across the way to the counselors' tent. We had to go tell the counselors she needed help without having to go into graphic detail (since we liked our tent mate & weren't trying to embarrass her). Ticks are painful, always end in places you don't want them & they just cause you unnecessary stress, strife, aggravation, you get the idea. That's how I view a clingy guy.

Again, middle ground. Take an interest & give a damn if I live or die (vanishing from the radar means you will vanish from MY radar since there are always other guys & friends who contact me). But you don't have to call or text me every hour, on the hour. Once a day or once every few days is okay. I understand you have a life. I do as well. Respect it & we will be fine.

Clinging to me tells me you do NOT have a life, that you will shape your entire existence around me & I won't be flattered but will end up terrified when I need to get out of your basement b/c you have decided to kidnap me (hopefully not literally since figurative kidnapping is bad enough).

Fourth, don't beg me for sex. I think it's pathetic when a guy does that. Not sure how guys feel about girls doing that but I sure won't do it. I have never had to beg for it & I sure won't now.

I'm thinking of an episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche is out with this guy she tried to sleep with & never did. Her "the one that got away," if you will. She goes out with this guy, despite him no longer being the hottie she knew in college & finally gets fed up after asking him for the upteenth time if he wants company and gets rejected.

She goes off on him & informs him that he may not want her but she will damn well find a man who does. After she does this, she leaves the restaurant they're at and 4 guys follow her, including the check and this guy dining with another woman! At this point, I could see something like that happening to me if a guy rejected me & I'd had enough.

Finally, I like my space. In particular, I like my emotional space. No, I LOVE my emotional space.

People need it from time to time, especially when they are going through what I have but I loved my space even before that.

Those who need their space will understand what I'm saying here & those who don't will never get it. We people who love our space just need to find others who also cherish their own space & understand why you don't want to be joined at the hip 24/7.

Sometimes, I just want to be left the fuck alone. If I'm bleeding due to girl stuff, I REALLY just want to be left alone. It's called "Stay out of my face. Do not bother me & definitely don't engage me if you don't want to get injured or hear me say something you won't like."

Could anyone possibly tell me why all this stalker mess? I want to know why. Why are they all stalking ME?!?!?! Where are some rational, normal, non-clingy (but still caring) guys who also have a professional background & some ambition in life?

Aren't there other women for these guys to bother & send these impassioned "I need you" notes to? Surely I can't be the only attractive woman in NYC with naturally red hair, a career, ambition & looks. I'm not the only model; let's balance out some of this stalker shit.

Plus, I have yet to see any super hotties be stalkers. None bothering me have ever been the kind of guy women would throw their panties at "just because." Now maybe it's just that guys I find attractive haven't been the stalker type since I'm sure looks have zero to do with a guy becoming a stalker. Please tell me there are hot ones guilty of it as well.

Some of you might think "Oh, I'd love to have stalkers." No you don't. If you wanted a stalker, he wouldn't be a stalker. He'd be a guy you want to do naughty things with. Another downside to being pretty & I'm not even famous at this point. God help me if that happens. I'll need a full security staff with military gear.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Why You Should Never Get Married More Than Once (Or At All If You're Smart)

Now I'm going through a divorce & have only been physically out of my marital home for going on 7 months. However, I am as certain as I can be that I'm never, ever getting married again. If you are smart, take heed of my words & don't make my mistake the first time.

Why should you never get married? Many, many reasons.

1. Being married is not as glamorous or cool as it looks. If you had high standards for yourself & managed to land a total hottie (at least in your mind), you still have to deal with the fact that this hottie is a human being. (S)he has emotions, feelings, mood swings, psychological problems, quirks, pet peeves, whatever will undoubtedly piss you off about someone. You also have emotions, feelings, mood swings, psychological problems, quirks, pet peeves, etc. They WILL piss the other person off sooner or later.

It's all pretty & nice when you're in that warm, fuzzy love phase but eventually you leave that. Then you'd better hope you're not living with a slob, pro-lifer, alcoholic, money grubbing, insecure saboteur or whatever else infuriates & annoys you to the point that a trip to the nearest mental hospital looks more appetizing than spending another minute with this person.

I can now fully understand why people feel an urge to kill their spouses. Maybe it was your own psychosis or it was their psychosis driving you over the edge.

Think about if you had to be on a desert island with this person. Let's say they have some great survival skill you don't. Could you still stand to be around him/her even if they didn't have this great survival skill?

2. Immaturity. Ladies: some men are like dogs. The wealth of immature 30 something guys just astounds me. When I have to "train" you, you've already lost the battle with me. If that guy hasn't lived on his own for a while & had to take care of himself without Mommy & Daddy, you need to run like hell. If he has a sugar mommy & isn't facing hunger or homelessness or total ruin in some fashion, you'd better take some time to ask yourself (and him) if he expects YOU to fulfill that role if he commits to you.

A man seeking a meal ticket is a man you want nothing to do with. Let him find someone else dumb enough to finance his bullshit. Or leave him to pay for hookers since maybe with enough money, they can be motivated to give a damn about his laziness. That is called being a child. If you don't mind doing it & know this isn't the sort of guy you're going to want meeting friends, family, especially children who will resent him for taking their future inheritance, go right ahead & enjoy the short term benefits.

When I have to play games or make the first move ALL THE DAMN TIME with a guy, I'm not going to be interested. Especially when other guys contact me on their own initiative & take an interest in my life. Ditch me & you are done. Disrespect me (and reading a Facebook meme yesterday, I can assert that natural redheads are the grand divas based on hair color alone) & you are not only done, you can die in a fire. Somehow, a guy disrespecting a natural redhead dying in a fire seems very poetic. Our hair is described as "fire" and some jerk getting consumed by it just sounds like wonderful symbolism.

I took a Facebook test recently asking "What Color is Your Aura?" & I got red. Fitting for these times & maybe just in general.

3. In-laws!!! Many people are fucking immature. If you've seen "Mama's Family," you have a somewhat inflated idea of the scale of immaturity some people have when it comes to their parents. Unfortunately I saw too late just how immature my ex was. Being from NC, there's the whole tradition of "showing respect to your elders" and I think it turns lots of adults into overgrown children being slaves to Mommy & Daddy's whims and lives instead of doing their own thing.

It's even worse when kids are involved & gets plain insulting since some of these grandparents are just narcissistic assholes who could care less about their grandkids.

Coming from this tradition & seeing my mother, sister and childhood best friend subjected to all kinds of lessening of position and disrespect from in-laws, I really didn't want to get married at all. I was hard core about not putting up with that. Seems you have to be marrying a man, not a boy if you want a man to stand by you on that.

I thought I was okay b/c my ex said he didn't really like his family & had taken to ignoring most of their unpleasantness but indulging them on minor things. Don't fall for that one. When he decided to take out his personal issues on me & get pissy at me for being me, he sided with the people attacking his self-interest or stifling him in a heartbeat.

It would be cold of me to tell a guy "You can't marry or be in a serious relationship with me unless your parents are dead or you disown them." I've not really heard about a family where the daughter in law was welcomed with open arms, treated with respect and truly treated as "one of the family."

I fear some guys would have their parents whacked so they could be with me. While that might be a very sweet sentiment, it's just not something I think a person should do. After all, Susan Smith tried that with her kids & look what happened to her?

Word of advice: if you aren't dealing with a grown up man/woman vs. someone whose parents are too involved in their lives, have influence over who they date, what they wear, if they take that vacation, etc. run like hell. If that person picks their parents over you all the time, you will always lose if you get married. If you have children, it will get worse.

Frankly, if you have not asserted yourself as an adult you can't get involved with me. I had to finally do this last year after my father died & I ended up in a fight with my mother over the shirt I chose to wear. No 30 something should be having that fight with their parents. If you've got your own place, make your own money & especially if you have your own kids, your parents should NOT being doing things like that. If they are, something has gone very wrong or you have a hyper religious parent.

I am done with that. Give me a man with no living parents or who's disowned his parents & never talks to them. Some women might be turned off & repulsed. If he's got good looks, ambition & maturity, it might be all I can do not to just shout "Take me!!!" right then & there.

Remember I'm the woman who said she'd rather go to prison than live with her parents again.

4. The myth of "unconditional love." I already covered this one but marriage isn't about unconditional love. If it were, I'd still be married now. There is nothing you can do that would make someone stop loving you or caring if their love for you is unconditional. As I mentioned, it doesn't exist. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Fairy tale love is NOT real life.

If you find it, I think you just have it for the moment. I'd dare you to do something you know your SO won't like. Go have an affair, indulge in your vices, whatever it is they don't like you doing. I guarantee you'll eventually find yourself without that spouse. So much for "unconditional love," right?

5. That "compromise" stuff. I'm in a really selfish phase right now. The whole "giving" thing that is part of my personality is just completely spent. Think of it being like a guy who's just come & instantly dropped into unconsciousness or exhaustion; that's where my "standing by your man" and "caring" level is at.

Such a selfish feeling person can't do another serious relationship, where you have to care a little about the other person & try to help them advance in things. At least if you don't want to just waste your time & have unhealthy relationships or go out & get a job as a prostitute. I'm sure even prostitutes have to deal with caring about the client on some level, though. Get him to come at least.

The biggest mistake you can make is living someplace you aren't happy in to please a spouse or significant other. I would be a very miserable person living in NC & my home is NYC. That is where I feel my spiritual best & am my 100%. Yes, there are flaws in NYC & no place is perfect but it's a lie to say you'll be happy living anywhere as long as your sweetie is there. A story.

My father told me once when I was visiting NC one summer from college "Now you see why I drink," after I told him about my misery at being in NC instead of in Atlanta (which I loved as a city but not as "the South"). He continued to be miserable in NC, got falsely arrested after my sister's first husband died and eventually died suddenly at work last year.

Want that to be you? If you don't, you'd best be looking at your own happiness & needs because no one is going to really care about them like you. A spouse is "supposed" to do that stuff but a spouse is supposed to do a LOT of things like be a damn adult & put that family before the one they were born into. Countless don't.

6. Finding the right person is impossible. You might as well pursue a staring role on Broadway or try becoming President of the United States. I think a person would have a far better chance at succeeding at that stuff than having a marriage that doesn't just end with divorce (unless your spouse dies).

7. Ceding your independence. You have to do that in order to get married. Shared accounts, shared social media, shared cars, electronics, never getting to decorate as YOU want to. Once you lose your independence, it is a big pain to regain it. You feel like you've regressed to being a teenager (and you stay with your parents, you'll definitely feel that way).

I'm just not up to giving it up again once I regain it. After the ordeal of divorce, you wouldn't want to either. To want to do that would make you insane or far more giving than I ever was, even at my most charitable. I can be charitable to cats; I can't do that with people. Maybe that's because cats are cuter & don't pretend to like you or care when they really don't.

Now I say don't do it at all if you can help it but I know some people have to experience things for themselves. I was under the whole haze of love at one time myself. The guy I married made me feel things no one else ever had. I thought it was the real thing but clearly there is nothing. The best I can hope for is satisfying sex from a bunch of guys & the whole "everyday is a new adventure" idea. I find that freeing & wonderful. Also helps when people think you're in your 20s. Some days, looking younger than you are & prettier than most women are pluses.

If you have that, don't tie yourself down to one person who will end up not appreciating you or just taking you for granted.

I'm childfree so I have no kids to worry about having or messing up if I don't get married. I think I've made my point.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Sugar Daddies & Sugar Mommies: Would You, Should You & Is There a Sexual Bias Here?

I personally don't like the term "sugar daddy." I prefer the term "benefactor."

For one thing, my father died last year & I only called him "Daddy" when I was a little kid (before all the estrangement stuff). Second, the term "sugar baby" implies you are but an underling in this whole arrangement & are basically some guy or girl's slave or toy with no rights to anything. I think the term "sugar daddy" is just too controlling for my tastes. After all, I am a feminist.

The interesting thing, though, is that I have had men approach me and volunteer to do that. One such man offered shortly after the spiritual end of my marriage. I did nothing special to make this happen; much like in regular dating, I had no particular approach other than being my normal self & sharing my own experience of the utter failure of my marriage. It's something I feel you should tell people since the pain just rolls off some people & I'm sure it's obvious with me. It felt like when it first happened, my stress/trouble/unhappiness and sorrow were just oozing off me. Sometimes we give off an aura & I think my aura was shouting "I'm in pain & I'm in trouble. Won't you help me, please?" It may still shout that, I'm not sure.

That was the first time a guy had EVER done that. This was an older gentleman but not someone completely repulsive. I also feel personality helps; if you aren't a total cretin, it can be okay.

Ultimately, I said "no" since he seemed way too controlling. For one thing, don't you ever try to dictate what I wear. I am the model. I have also been known for being a fashionista since high school, where I could buy my own clothes & had my own distinct style. They didn't give me "Best Dressed" in my high school pageant for nothing. Nor have I gotten compliments on my attire from fashion people while at fashion networking events for no reason.

The irony is I met this guy at a fashion networking event, a magazine launch party. I came in to this event with the same mission as I have at any other event: mingle, give out business cards, get to know people, have some food if it's free or a friend offers me some. Sometimes, you start seeing the same people or you get recognized.

For another, not a good plan to pressure me for exclusivity at any point in time. I wouldn't like that now, either. I've got a nearly 10 year relationship to get over, the offers seem endless & I have an aimless direction in my life now. I have no means of long term plans since I'm just trying to get through the next month. When you have to survive, you can't think that far.

My curse is that men seemingly fall in love with me without my doing much more than being myself. I've had guys get obsessed with me when I was hardly on my best behavior around them; these people definitely saw me at less than my best moments. Yeah, I'm good sexually but I don't know that it warranted some of the crazy shit I've had to deal with.

I also feel that women will get a lot more sympathy in society having a benefactor than a man would, especially if she's going through hard times. I can't imagine anyone blaming me if I took that up considering my ex stole all the money, leaving me having to do what I have to in order to survive b/c I have no family or friends in the area who can help me. Women typically have less money, more sex appeal & everyone's used to this story. It's older than the dawn of time. Famous actresses have often gotten where they are b/c of hooking up with the right rich guy who invested in a movie she wanted so she could star in it (trust me, if you've got an investor with lots of money & he wants his girlfriend in that film the average filmmaker/producer/agent is going to everything they can to get to that money; I heard some stories from the agent I worked with).

But men? I have consistently heard about how my ex really wasn't much of a man considering he bitched about his job all the time, threatened to kill himself on his way to work, did nothing to change his situation and did not give his wife "the good life" or fancy presents. Now I'm not a materialistic person, which was probably not a great idea on my part & I've since decided to consider income and finances of a potential suitor far more than I used to but that is a huge topic in many places. I even read an article today on Slate about how there are few "marriageable men" in America today b/c few have steady jobs. In fact, at least one male friend told me I deserved better & should get the finer things in life.

If my ex could get a sugar mommy, I'm sure he would have & might still do that. I now think he wanted me to do that & got all pissy b/c my career didn't start paying the money he wanted so he could sit on his butt & do nothing. Telling people about this little plan has prompted them to say "He wasn't much of a man or a husband." However, I don't think he's hot or slick enough to get away with some woman financing his life.

I also feel like most men aren't as sympathetic as women, even women who aren't facing homelessness or who've become displaced heiresses (so to speak; I feel that way sometimes). The woman trying to pursue her entertainment career is generally more sympathetic in society than the man doing the same thing. What do we call men doing such things? Gigolos, right?

Men are still expected in some corners to "take care" of women, especially in the Southern tradition I came from. A man being cared for by a woman would have his masculinity questioned & no woman would want that guy trying to leech off her (if she's smart, at least).

If I were stupid enough to even consider an exclusive relationship, much less marriage, I would not want a man leeching off me. He'd have to have his own goals, ambition & a salary suitable to take care of himself. Most men also resent & get pissy toward women who earn more than they do. One of those male pride things, I'm sure much like how they get upset if you tell them some other guy was bigger (especially if you tell him a particular guy was Godzilla's tail & he's not even close to that) or better in bed than he is or than you think he'd be.

Shockingly, I figured I wasn't the sugar daddy type since I'm not a submissive person in life or willing to let anyone dictate to me. How much money you have will never impress me; you have to actually have a personality I like & not piss me off. Am I pretty? Certainly. Would guys with means be interested in doing that? Maybe if they got to know me. Lots of guys like my "spunk" & that I take no shit off anyone. I say the things some women might not & some guy might hate me telling certain truths but I will do it. If some guy with money isn't looking for a mindless little robot or sex doll, he might be really happy with a woman like me.

I also have the whole redhead thing going for me, which a lot of girls don't. I was once told LA was a blonde's town & NYC was a brunette's town. Yeah, I stand out everywhere. I've seen redheads in NYC but no sign of my twin. Redheads also have certain truths about them that a guy is just going to have to deal with. Telling one not to have a temper is like telling the sun not to shine. In particular, telling me not to be competitive in certain ways when it comes to other chicks (or using the phrase "other bitches") is like telling a cat not to meow. That stuff doesn't work; we are like wild horses but you can't tame most of us.

My figuring was if I was going to get a sugar daddy, a few conditions would need to be met:

1. He'd have to be attractive to my eye. A guy I'd date in normal circumstances so no creepy old guys or guys who weren't my type.

2. He'd have to accept me for who I am, not try to mold me into something I'm not.

3. He'd have to respect me. I insist on that from everyone & give as good as I get. Plus, I'm nobody's $2 ho.

4. He'd have to be single or separated. Interesting how we find people in our conditions; I've met quite a few men going through their own marital breakups. There should be a club or something.

Married people who aren't in open relationships verified by wives are trouble; no one needs some bitch calling up & declaring her a homewrecker. A married man doing that to women in my condition is the worst kind of egoist; there are plenty of single women who aren't in hard times & might be perfectly okay with such things or even some other married person in similar circumstances.

5. He couldn't have young children. It's just barbaric to steal food money from kids' mouths. I may be in dire straits but that doesn't mean I have the right to make a child go without. To me, no able bodied adult has the right to do that.

6. He'd have to be someone I could talk to who valued an educated woman. Some guys don't & that simply doesn't work. I've been advised to date on "my level," as in my educational level vs. my financial level. So guys in professions like doctor or financial exec or business exec are more fitting for this.

My attitude is "Nice work if you can get it but don't become someone's robot."

As I've said before, while a person is in survival mode, you have zero right to judge them. Go walk a mile in their shoes or go do something so they don't need a benefactor. If you can't or won't do that, shut the fuck up. Otherwise you are just as bad as a pro-lifer telling a pregnant teenaged girl who's just gotten kicked out of parents' house & is living on the street to go ahead and have the baby while voting to cut welfare + not bothering to help this teenage girl in any fashion. Real nice to preach from up high when YOU aren't personally affected or having to live that life. You just look like an asshole.

I think a woman would be more likely to be forgiven for having had a sugar daddy than a man would be for having a sugar mommy, even if neither of them were in survival mode & merely wanted spa trips and designer stuff vs. getting attorneys, places to live, food, that kind of thing. Any thoughts?

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Now, an Innovative Business Idea

A few days ago, I thought of an interesting business idea that if you could execute would be awesome.

We have all these people who are in "failure to launch" mode who are still living with their parents or are forced to move back b/c of the economy, relationship breakups & so forth, right? You also have people who hate where they grew up or would have zero career opportunity or prospect where their parents live while some ask you "What's the big deal about being THERE?" and would view it as some great adventure.

I had that exact conversation with a close friend & I said "People always idealize where they didn't grow up." I said my feelings about where he grew up are different that his probably are & I'd feel about his hometown like he feels about the idea of living in NC. I'd say "What's the big deal? Sounds nice," while he might think differently. I'd feel like a failure & like I had nothing to look forward to or a purpose in my life.

There are also sites like Couchsurfing where you could go to other places & have a place to crash for cheaper or maybe it's free? I don't know too many details about it but that's a business that exists & has a website. Check it out & you tell me.

So if we have all these people going back to their parents' houses but don't want to, why not have some type of exchange where you could stay in some other part of the country or world where you'd actually want to live? Create a serious vetting & background check system, make the hosts tell you all kinds of things like about their expectations, habits, etc. & have them think of this visitor as like an adopted kid or exchange student. They could do all that nurturing stuff for someone who'd likely be more appreciative, less sulky & find the experience much better than their kid might. Let's face it, if some kid wanted to be at home so bad they'd already be there & stay put instead of moving far away. I feel like if someone has a home in an area they hate, why not trade that with someone who would actually appreciate it more & go someplace with it instead of them being there, miserable & either dying in misery or just not doing anything b/c they can't live their passion or find something that makes them happy?

I'd be thrilled with that type of exchange & anyone who didn't come from money or have life handed to them would probably like it as well.

Thought of all sorts of things in this new normal aside from seeing near strangers be much nicer to me than my ex or his relatives ever were. Sometimes it's hard to believe that there actually are some good people in the world. It completely astounds me when some guy is actually around & interested in my well being. When someone actually does something that they say they are going to do. Guess that's a sign of my super cynical nature.

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt but it can be very hard. Also, sorry I'm not Little Miss Perfect or do & say things you don't like. I think I'm a little entitled to some imperfection in my life; if I'm not the paragon of love and virtue, you should blame my ex. He is the one who kicked me when I was down & made me much more hardened than I already was. People have a limited head space and emotional capacity along with emotional strength. I was at an event a few days ago talking about what I'd been through & the person I was talking to (who, herself, had been through similar) said I should be off in a room crying somewhere. I said that I was feeling like doing that. Not sure I'll ever be completely cried out or over all this. People have told me it will get better; I really hope they're right. Haters ought to be warned that if I go down, they'll be going with me & karma will have their asses as well.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Moving On (Because You Just Have To)

My life has changed dramatically in the past few months. I got served with divorce papers nearly 2 weeks ago when I was there for my Order of Protection hearing and 2 people couldn't have been more distant from one another. Some days I wonder what I saw in my ex and why I married him. Maybe, as my therapist put it, I was simply overly flattered by male attention. I can tell you that's come to an end. Perhaps she's also right when she said he was right for that time in my life but that time simply ended & he was no longer the one for me.

I try not to be a full on bitch but I do have a standard for myself these days. The upside on increased confidence is that you can do things you wouldn't think possible before. If you feel you deserve something (not entitled to it) & have that standard, you can get it. I'm finding this to be very accurate in my own life.

Funny that much cuter guys with better character are interested in me these days. I saw him in that courthouse & I felt the disonance that everyone else had pointed out to me, especially my friend in DC. It took me a lot of time to actually see what they saw & really have it sink in. But one who is ambitious like I am is far better off without a guy who views her as a failed meal ticket. I'd rather be with a man who has some confidence in himself, doesn't blame the world for his problems & isn't just a plain old miserable fuck. I'm still a realist & cynical in many respects but I wouldn't call myself "miserable."

A couple days ago I realized I've become the fantasy woman. I'm like Wendy Lubbock on "Just the Ten of Us" or Flo on "Alice" or a younger version of Blanche Deveraux of "The Golden Girls." I have even noticed guys just check me out as I walk by; I used to feel really flattered but now it's more "business as usual" with some appreciation mixed in.

There's also great power in talking to people, getting their stories, knowing things about them & their lives. For me, those experiences give me a sense of perspective. Take the recent death of Robin Williams. You'd think him being famous & doing all this great stuff in life, presumably making a fortune from his acting and comedy career would mean his life is pretty darn sweet. Apparently, it wasn't.

You never really know a person's experience if you aren't there & seeing it. We've all got a persona we show to the world & if someone lets you see behind the mask, consider it a compliment. I personally feel valued & treasured when someone shows me that. I've had to show that side to people out of necessity in recent times & it's not an easy thing to do, especially for me. Being around others, hearing their stories makes me feel "You know, things could be a lot worse." Maybe my story gives that perspective to others & they say "At least I'm not going through this or that."

Nonetheless, if you haven't had someone you loved once look right through you, you can't understand what that pain feels like. It sort of proves to me that I can't really take that risk of getting close again. Maybe if the guy's parents are dead (or dead to him), he's at least as stubborn as me & refuses to let me push him away, he might have a fighting chance. Or perhaps if his parents respect him as an adult & aren't puritanical jerks, things could work out but at the end of the day, I come back to "If the only man I ever fully loved & who I was with for nearly 10 years could betray me, toss me out like garbage, so on and so on, how can I expect any better from any other guy?" I feel I can't so this is where I'm at.

It's funny that it only affects me in a surface way & much of my being is dedicated to feeling betrayed and angry. I'm not despondent or seeking to go back or anything. I just want to have new experiences with other guys & find men who are better than my ex. God knows they are out there. Now I go to events thinking about how one of these ladies would conduct themselves; you notice they don't go demeaning themselves for a guy or really even have to ask. They just show up & get what they want. I figure "why not me?"

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Sex Store Adventures

I recently went to a Yelp Elite event at a sex shop. This was my first trip to one in a while & I got some stuff I wanted to try out including furry handcuffs. The irony with me getting handcuffs is I have serious anxiety when it comes to being restrained in intimate moments; I only allowed that with my estranged spouse & wouldn't let any other guy do that unless I really trusted him. He'd also have to agree to be restrained since if you guys want women to let you restrain them, you're going to have to agree to the same thing or shut up.

So I actually have a unique history with sex shops. Legend has it that the owner of a huge sex store in Atlanta was an alumnus of my university & tried to give the school money at one point. Back when I'd gone there & recently graduated, they constantly hammered & begged alumni for money. They poor mouthed so much, you wondered how in God's name they managed to keep the doors open. I remember them hassling me months after I graduated & was still in my grace period for repaying student loans; due to the state of affairs at that time along with my personal circumstances, I thought it was extremely crass to go asking recent graduates to contribute to the school. The economy wasn't even as bad then as it was post-2008 so if some school is doing that today, it's even more insulting & tacky.

So with all this begging, you'd think the school would have taken the guy's money. The story goes that they rejected his offer. Why? Supposedly b/c they didn't approve of his business. They apparently weren't familiar with the saying "Beggars can't be choosers."

My sorority chapter was filled with some evolved & cool ladies who had a sense of humor along with a more laid back attitude on matters of sex. I remember quite a few candid conversations about sex (some I listened to & some I was part of).

In fact, we once had an impromptu sorority field trip to this huge sex store in Atlanta (the one & only Inserection). It was actually my first time going to a sex store so it was somewhat eventful for me. As a bunch of girls often do, we browsed, observed, made comments & had fun on this little jaunt. One of my sisters sees a girl on the cover of a porn film & says "That looks like The Angry Redheaded Lawyer" (back when I was merely an angry redhead). I point it wasn't b/c if it was, I'd have a lot more money than I do. Paying tuition wouldn't have been an issue, though I wouldn't have gotten to be a lawyer.

One girl in my sorority dated an artist who gave her a plaster mold of his penis. I didn't see it myself but we definitely heard the story. They also saw the massive amount of flowers I got from Psycho Boy when I was participating in sorority stuff one weekend. A lot of us had that sisterly rapport with one another.

Except for that & more recently, the only other times I remember going to sex shops was with my spouse. We went to one with a very pushy salesperson but I will give her this: she was informed & helpful when we had questions.

If you're going to work at a sex store, there are some requirements:

1. You have to be more laid back when it comes to sex. Imagine someone with my mother's attitude working there; she didn't even want to hear about the ex's theory regarding my ex-friend having a threesome with a guy & his baby mama while they all shared living quarters.

I heard a couple days ago that my ex-friend apparently married this man so he wouldn't get deported. Personally, I think deportation would have been fine & if no one in her family has had a stroke from her birthing his baby and/or marrying him I'd be shocked. This is a woman whose family is more religious than mine & whose grandmother wouldn't let our gay classmate into her house after he came out. I'm sure the affair & the interracial stuff had to make them happy.

2. You need to be non-judgmental. Do you really think people want to talk to a judgmental asshole? Gay, straight, I don't care. People's sex lives aren't your business so if you want sales, remember money is money regardless of where it came from.

Sex shops I've been to, especially in major cities, cater to everyone's tastes & preferences. Gay people have demands as well as straight people. I have to wonder if that holds for smaller cities in the South; you know how judgey they are about gay people & "alternative" lifestyles down there.

3. You can't be the type who giggles & gets all cutesy. The place I went to was having workshops & if you're going to educate people, you can't do it if you're giggling the whole time or look completely embarrassed.

So maybe you should have a little bit of sexual experience if you're going to take a job at a sex store.

Now, for the visuals. I have pics from my adventure:

That's an example of why this place rocks. They cater to both genders & all orientations. Unless someone were a total prude or had no sexual interest at all, I can't see objections to one of these as a gag gift.

I even saw stuff I have never seen before:

I've never seen these before. Didn't check the price but you can only use them once according to the package.

There was also this that I'm going to test out. After all, I'm the ultimate lost cause here:

Also every type of condom you've heard of or wondered about, including flavored ones & Magnums.

I also got some pasties so made sure to get pastie glue. Just seemed like a smart purchase:

This stuff was really good. I did actually taste it:

This just amused me. Maybe for the man who'll never get laid again (I have some theories on that):

Lastly, they do have bondage rope here. The handcuffs were nearby but you might save some money getting this at Home Depot. It was $40 here; I feel like that's way too much.

I had a lot of fun & like that they have everything you ever wanted + cater to all people, not just some of them. I saw all types of stuff here & that is how a sex shop should be. When I saw this penis clock when I went in college, I thought of getting that for my mother to see how she'd react. I bet it would be funny. Scandalizing uber-religious types; it's just so darn tempting.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Is Being Pretty an Open Invitation to Getting Pestered by Cretins & Having Their Lives Micromanaged by "Godly" Employers?

I'd like to know. Let's consider those recent essays on rape culture, including this article on school dress codes.

Does it feel like to anyone that being a woman, particularly an attractive one, seems to be an open invitation for ugly guys (usually in both looks & personality) to pester them? It frustrates the heck out of Single 2.0 me. How come?

First off, I have never been the type to approach a guy on my own. My feeling has been that if I did the approaching & get rejected, it's my fault b/c I inconvenienced the person with my presence. Apparently lots of not that good looking guys don't have that particular "ism" since they approach me like nobody's business, never thinking that they could be out of my league. Maybe my ex should take some lessons.

Second, I'm just not going to compete for some guy. Sorry but I have more value in myself as a human being and I just don't have the time, interest or inclination to do it. I feel the record speaks for itself: my personality, my looks, etc. To my view, if some guy isn't bothering to talk to me & I look as I do fuck him. There's other fish in the sea (as I've reminded myself on numerous occasions & feel gratified by when I get another phone number from a guy after putting in no real effort to get it). I ought to start collecting & saving those; it's getting to be a frequent thing.

Third, just because I have a good conversation with you & don't think you're a flaming imbecile does NOT mean I want you to fuck my brains out. Let me tell you right now good conversation is hard to find when you're the sort of person who doesn't fit into a typical mold. I have a model body with an attorney brain: this makes it harder for me to find peers & true friends I feel comfortable talking to about different things. I happen to value that.

I've also been told I'm fascinating & an interesting person. I shouldn't have to change that, nor will I. Not sure I'd know how to be boring if I tried.

Let's make it clear that my liking a conversation I have with you or having an intellectual connection does not = me wanting to sleep with you. Seems some guys totally don't get that; some of us want platonic friends, damn it. With all I've been going through, I'm not exactly turning down legitimate caring & friendship. If you really were a decent, stand up kind of guy you would NOT be shitting on that. You would be perfectly fine with being a woman's friend. For all you know, it might lead somewhere if you're not a pushy asshole or she might find you that soulmate (if you ask me, that doesn't really exist but who am I to tell anyone not to bother looking if I'm not being paid to tell them that).

I'm not sure whether some guys are just bursting with confidence in a way my ex wasn't or they are seriously clueless. Do I attract ugly guys simply because I have humanity in me? If that's true, it's a damn curse. I'd like to interact with guys I find cute who also don't annoy me enough to make me want to see a heavy object fall on their heads. Perhaps that's the eternal issue though. Do other pretty girls who aren't in exclusive relationships go through this? I know the average looking girls do.

Speaking of being paid to talk people out of things, I wonder if there's such a business or scheme where people get paid to talk others out of getting married or staying in a bad marriage. I could probably convince people to shun marriage. Maybe some people hate a prospective in-law. Maybe some friends don't like their buddy making a commitment to an abuser, a ball buster, or just someone who is an intolerable misanthrope. Not sure if you could have talked me out of getting married to my ex but maybe I should have told my one friend to shoot me or have me committed.

I think I did tell him to do that if I ever showed an inkling of wanting to get married again. If I didn't, I'll have to tell him along with plenty of other people. Don't let me get married or commit to someone; remind me of the massive pain, heartbreak, betrayal and other bullshit I'm going to have to deal with because of giving up my independence & sharing my life with someone. I would certainly share my story if I had to talk someone out of getting or staying married; I'm far happier being out of it than I was in the bad times.

Personally, I feel like those bad times were engineered by my ex rather than something that was credible. Who needs a relationship like that? Isn't it funny how you get out of a situation, get treated better & look back on what you thought was great to realize that it wasn't what you thought it was?

I realized I like having a guy to pamper me & do so without being resentful or pissy about it. That is how it SHOULD be. Women shouldn't have to be worrying about some guy being resentful for doing things for them. If some guy has an issue with it, he may want to examine himself & figure out why he's alone or not with the model types (or at least one who isn't "plastic"). It's not so much that women are gold diggers; you can be generous of heart without being a millionaire. It also doesn't matter if a woman needs to be taken care of or not; self-sufficient women who aren't totally reprehensible do appreciate the gesture (at least I do).

Also, the whole Hobby Lobby case seems related to this issue since they apparently want to make it impossible for women who work there to have rights like the modern citizen. Considering what I've read about their settlement with the NY Attorney General's office & their having products made in China with worker abuse, they're about as "godly" as I am muscular. Let's hope the Supreme Court does the right thing & not allow your employer to shove women into the sugar daddy empire to get their birth control covered since they'll never be able to get it under their health insurance coverage.

Check out some of the medieval legislation going on in places like Ohio, where they want to outlaw abortion even if the mother's life is in danger. So much for that tubal ligation; they'd have a woman like me die from an ectopic pregnancy vs. getting rid of a fetus that will never be viable.

I say if you're pretty, you have the right to be selective & not settle for bullshit. Especially if you just got out of a horrible relationship that in retrospect, wasn't as great as you thought it was. At least that realization makes it possible for me to move on to bigger and better things. As long as you have the unknown, there's limitless potential. Just make sure that guy doesn't support Hobby Lobby's right to micromanage its employee's lives. Maybe they should be forced to raise these unwanted kids since they want to play God so badly. Any guy trying to interfere in such things should also be required to do that. Just my thought.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

More Moves Foward

Really happy I got to be part of this cool urban fashion show in Brooklyn yesterday. I was the only model looking like me (as usual) and probably stood out even more as the only redhead than the only white girl; one guy told me after the show I was holding it down for a white girl. Nice, huh?

I rehearsed and have practiced walking like mad for this one. Remember, I said modeling isn't remotely as easy as it looks. You have to know how to walk properly & you're constantly being critiqued on it and other things. Maybe if you gain weight more easily you get critiqued on that; it's not an issue I deal with but I did find recently I have gotten above 100 pounds (which is a small victory since it's not really healthy for a 5'6 woman to be under 100 pounds, especially when I like my current bra size).

This was the first show where I had a need for pasties. I happened to have nude pasties on me & asked a few days before if I should bring them. I was told to bring them so I did. Turns out that was a very good thing to do since I modeled some sexy outfits, at least one of which my jerky ex would likely have bitched about. I wanted to do swimwear & finally got to do that in this show.

I also got to wear some cute dresses, including one cut in a way that I would kill to get. I would likely use body tape to wear it but I would love to get a dress of that cut. Plus, I just loved the dress period. The dressing up part is probably one of my favorite things about being a model. I just remember that I will look good no matter what & it all flows from there, especially hair wise. The performance aspect probably appeals to me because of my acting background though I realized in that last outfit "Oh, shit I didn't shave down there." Then again, I argue that because I'm a natural redhead & have sensitive skin I should get a dispensation from that. Plus, it's not like a European guy would hassle me on it. I also have never had a guy reject me on the basis of too much hair.

My company recently got an account on Instagram & I keep getting asked about my Instagram account by people in fashion. Realized I probably ought to start one myself. I got the app but never created one. I also have an app to clean up pictures & I made sure to get some of myself in my outfits (since you may never get your pics if you don't do that & it might take ages to get them so at least you have something for yourself, fans, whoever). I can do that along with pics I take of random things. Saw a few things recently I had to snap pictures of.

Maybe I should look into Hoot Suite so I can manage all these social media accounts. I know it costs money, which I do NOT like so hesitant there.

I also loaned my bra to a model who was wearing this one lace top & didn't have pasties. I would be horribly self-conscious about going out in a see through top with nothing covering me & figure it might mean "bye bye" to my career so I felt it was only right to help a sister out. Plus, she was cool to me & told me "it's just a fashion show" even having a "devil may care" attitude on the whole thing. I thought that was awesome so of course I'm going to help someone like that. Be a bitch to me & I'd laugh in your face.

I use pasties if I can't do a bra since I'm self-conscious about certain things showing. I knew if I didn't have them, I'd be flashing the audience (which wouldn't be good). I still believe in classiness & do have my professional reputation to consider.

Still also riding that wave of male attention in the wake of the bullshit. One guy I got a number from was particularly interesting. Let's just say he's in a role where you don't want to be starting anything. I also may be getting the opportunity to do something I've been dying to do & that will make me a very happy lady. What? I can't mention it yet.

Plus I'm aware of certain hating assholes who may still pry into my affairs even though I clearly don't write for them, could care less what they think & like it or not will still have their name unless they want to give me a few hundred dollars to change it (in NY state, you have to publish your name change in a newspaper along with paying the fee they require).

Also learned today about an industry friend being in a bad car accident with some other people (including the big name star he was opening for) & being in the hospital in stable but critical condition. I even saw the post people referenced where he talked about how much fun he was having 50 minutes before it happened. That's plain eerie. I also can't do more death & dying nor can I do anyone adding stress or hassle to my life. I've also been riding a wave of good news that I'd like to keep up as long as I can.

In closing, fuck the people who hate strong women & excuse the hell out of anyone who thinks I'm going to shrivel up and be a victim to please them. That's no way to live & no one should pull that act for anyone. What's the point?

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

A Sucky Weekend & Distractions

This past weekend was not one of greatness for me: Saturday marked 10 years to the day I had my first date with the jerky ex while Sunday was the 1 year anniversary of my father's death. Part of me really wanted to be alone those days & just wallow somewhere.

However, that didn't happen since I was given opportunity to do other things. On Saturday, I had a party I was covering for the blog I write for. I felt that since I'd only gone to one event for the festival I was covering I should make an effort to go to this party. Plus, I have a philosophy that you should go to as many different things as you can since you never know where you're going to meet some meaningful person in your life whether that's a professional contact who helps you in business or a new lover or your new best friend (since your old one was adding to the stress & strife of your life). I have sometimes gotten an intuition to go someplace & it paid off.

Case in point: one afternoon when I'd recently started my sophomore year of college, I decided to go see Scary Movie at the theater by myself. I was planning to take the bus then the train to get to the theater. Something just told me to go see it that day. I'd wanted to see it for ages & that sense kicked in.

I followed it & got a ride from none other than my freshman fling. We had a brief conversation. I remember telling him I'd lost my virginity over the summer; yes I talk about stuff like that with guys who dated me. I forgot if he dropped me off at the theater or the train station but regardless he saved me some travel time. I also enjoyed the conversation & had a more pleasant association with him in the future vs. the negative one I was left with as a freshman when he lost interest or decided I wasn't worthy as myself. If I saw him today, I'd first ask what he was doing up here but after that I think I'd just be indifferent & tell him what I've told everyone else about my lack of trust in any exclusive relationship.

I have wondered what my life would have been like had I not met the jerk & just went on my merry way. At that point, I was ready to give up on dating since the male population had pissed me off way too much. This one guy I went on a date with hadn't followed up with me & later told me he was moving. Then this other guy I had a friendship with springs the news on me that he got a girlfriend while dropping me like a hot potato.

Honestly, I do feel like it was a waste of over 9 years of my life to be involved with this guy. I could have had so much sex with that law school friend by now (if he hadn't lost interest or gotten bored, though you have to wonder what's wrong with some guy who loses interest or gets bored with ME since I'm not really all that boring). For that matter, I probably could have had so much sex with far hotter guys than my ex. I wouldn't have considered marriage since that wasn't my goal in life & I actively didn't want to. See how my younger self was right about it?

There is that school that says you get put in the place you're supposed to & things happen for good reason. I figure the end of this marriage means there's better out there for me & he wouldn't have been able to be there for me as things take off.

At least I still have some years left as a hottie. I couldn't imagine having to do this after a man had stolen the best years of my life & I could no longer enjoy the dating scene due to bad aging. I'd be left with really wanting to kill him then. I also don't like to spend my time on regrets & wishing for things you can't change. I look at today & dealing with that along with the future.

On Sunday, I had an event that was part of my new life. I got a little weepy a few times talking about my father & thinking about where I was a year ago that day. However, I figured wiser people were right in saying my father wouldn't want me to be off by myself that day.

By & large the weekend didn't turn out as bad as expected. I realized I've evolved from some of that past & the likes of my ex along with his hypocritical, scummy family won't be putting the likes of me down. More proof I'm an unstoppable force. In fact, I was typing an update to a friend yesterday & as I was doing this, Pandora was playing "Survivor" by Destiny's Child. I appreciated that irony.

Shocked the ex hasn't run home to Mommy & Daddy yet. "Responsible" wasn't exactly a word in his vocabulary and "self-starter" sure isn't. I do know at least 2 things for certain: he'll never be a millionaire unless he wins the lottery & he's never going to have a woman as good looking as me (certainly not better looking). Let him die in a pile of comics. That would be poetic.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

What's With the Head Games?

Have you ever had to deal with people who offer to do something nice for you? You think "Oh, cool. I need this & it's appreciated." You tell the person as much & take their help since A) you could use it & B) you believe it might make that person feel bad if you reject their help.

So time passes and then the person bitches b/c they helped you & you indulged. What the fuck?

That's what I ask myself in that situation. When I was in college, a family friend's friends offered to help me with things. One offered to buy my groceries & said nothing to me about cost limits or what to buy or anything other than "I'm paying." With that, you'd get what you wanted & what you like, correct?

Later on, I find out through my mother that this person gets all pissed b/c of me buying what I want. Gee, how about not making an offer in the first place if you can't do it with a full heart? Better yet, if you have limits why not tell someone what those are beforehand? It's not like I lived off lobsters or brie or organic everything (and for the record I still don't).

This sort of thing is a huge pet peeve of mine. Why? Because it's a form of lying. You're lying to me when you do something like that. My mother even agreed with me on that conflict & my contention that if you say you're going to do something, then do it. If you have conditions or strings to impose, do that before someone is taking your offer of help. Otherwise it just makes you an asshole & a shitty person. I'd rather you not bother in the first place than get pissed at me because you had buyer's remorse. I'm not some helpless little kid who needs the world to solve her problems. I CAN take care of myself & am still mananging (takes a lot more than a peon such as my ex to bring me down).

And this person didn't even bring that beef directly to me. He goes to our family friend who then goes to my mother. You have to be thinking "No wonder she hates being infatalized! Look at what she had to deal with as a 19 year old adult in college living hundreds of miles away." We can't be an adult & talk to someone directly? We have to go act like a 5 year old & tattle to my Mommy?

Then, there's another serious gripe I have. That is people who air their business in a public setting & then expect others who read it not to comment.

I acknowledge that there are haters out there & have never gotten pissed at people for commenting on something I had posted in a public space. When my jerky in-laws dared to claim I had no 1st Amendment rights to speak or any right to an opinion when I had to deal with the ridiculousness last summer, I never said they had no right to comment or have an opinion on what I thought. I merely said where I posted my views was MY space, not someplace catering to their mentality & that they didn't have to read what I wrote then or what I'd write in the future if it offended them SOOOOO much. Never took anyone's voice away or tried censoring them.

I might think you're a moron or a tool or an asshole & not like what you have to say but I'm not going to be mad at you for the act of saying it.

I've had a few incidents online where people got pissed off by me daring to speak on something they posted in a public forum. Had someone yesterday do this on something that came up on MY social media feed. I pointed out that it came up on my feed & if she didn't want me to comment, she could have limited the view of the post or just blocked me. Realized today that there was an even better solution: she could have just sent a private group message to the people involved. A designer I worked with has done this when she had business to discuss with her models & not the entire friends' list.

Simple concept, right? So I see no need to bitch at me for commenting on a situation generally explaining why someone might have done what was complained about (since it seemed like such a foggy mystery to her why the people in question may have done something; as a business owner who isn't a moron, I rightly point out that someone with no ownership in an endeavor who's not getting paid & is paying to work with you isn't going to have the same passion/dedication/care as the person who DOES have that ownership) & engaging in personal attacks.

I could have said a lot of things to this person publicly but I stated that if she was indeed making a personal attack then she's a very shitty person. Because if you're making personal attacks against me NOW, you are indeed a very shitty person. Feeling a sense of accomplishment over that is like cheering because you shot a man who was already lying in the street dying. Big deal. A person who does that has zero character & is certainly not an adult. This was someone who's daring to trash me in the modeling game but who I don't see living in a penthouse in Manhattan or raking in billions. In fact, I've been doing it far less time so this person should probably ask herself what her excuse is for not being famous already.

Also, it seems to me like that's all this person has. I have an education, a business mind, some street smarts & far more emotional strength than the average person. I also have more skills and don't have to worry about petty bullshit like wondering what everyone else thinks of me. I also get the luxury of operating in my own realm since I'm unique & don't have the problem of walking into a room and finding a hundred girls who could pass for my twin or even my sister.

Is it not accurate to say if you post something publicly, you are opening yourself up to comment even if you don't like what's being said? I also felt the tone of what I commented on was inappropriate, alienating & it wouldn't inspire me to work with you if I hadn't before (it seemed far too scoldy to me). That's the stuff you deal with in private not air on a public feed for outsiders (friends or not) to see. If your skull is that fragile, it's time to rethink working in the entertainment industry.

Does this person think she can do some of the work she does & NOT have to deal with harassment, nasty remarks, etc.? How is she going to handle that stuff? Is she going to bitch at someone for daring to disagree or not thinking she's the most awesome, fabulous person out there?

These are the things a business owner has to think about if they ever hope to be effective. If you want things to be private, you need to MAKE THEM PRIVATE. Is that so hard to do? When I have a private thought or comment, I deal with it privately. I limit who can see things. I don't air my dirty laundry then bitch at someone for daring to make a comment.

This pisses me off since it's a form of censorship against me. If you've read this blog long enough, then you know how I feel about being censored. Lying and censorship? How many MORE sins do you want to commit against me to piss me off? If you don't want me to comment on something, then don't have it where I can see it. Simple solution. I get enough in my social media feeds without seeing pedantic bullshit I apparently have no right to have an opinion or comment on. Get it out of my face! More housecleaning.

I suppose riding myself of people who behave like 5 year olds or teenagers is a blessing in disguise. The basic rule with me is "say what you mean & mean what you say." If you can do that, you'll be great friends with me. If a guy I found desirable did that, I might even be able to fall in love with him.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The Fluidity of Life & Why Are People So Unhappy About Eating Out Alone?

I'm finding in this new normal that life is all about change & fluidity. Some people just don't fit into it; I can't deal with bullshit or anyone who's going to bring MORE tears, stress, heartache or hassle into my life. In fact, I think it's inhumane to expect me to put up with such things. At this point, I'm just getting used to the fact that life IS change. Things you thought were a certain way just aren't & people you thought were going to be around for a while sometimes disappoint you. However, I feel all experiences have a value (good or bad).

I still feel like I wasted a good chunk of my adult life in this marriage & committing to someone but at least I won't be making that mistake again. One friend told me I've gone from constantly talking about my husband to becoming negative. I pointed out that I DID warn him that was going to happen if my marriage fell apart. Probably an upside for HIM, though. He no longer has to lament on how I'm with a man who's not good enough for me (though one has to wonder just who he DOES think is good enough for me).

Trying to have multiple people around for comfort in these times since I think it's unfair to stick everything onto one person. I also like that now I get to warn people against relationships & marriage as well as cheer up those who want them so badly. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, you know. I realized I missed the excitement in my single life & getting to do new things, have new experiences, etc. Sucks when your spouse isn't open to doing new things & you're itching to go to a new restaurant or learn a new skill or something. Seems I'm also more of an optimist than I thought I was. Plain & simple, I just feel free.

Speaking of being free, I think that's also why I have no qualms about eating out alone. In fact, I embrace it since I like to have all the bread and all the chips for myself. It's MINE, damn it!!! I don't understand why people claim it's so bad. No one has ever given me a look of pity or shitty service because of it. Not sure if this is normal or not but I went to one place & saw a couple eating together right near me; I didn't feel the least bit wistful or envious about it. It was simply a relief to be able to go out alone.

However, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a guy taking me out & paying for me. That's happened on occasion in my new life. Guy interest has been thick since the jerk kicked me out. Seems one man's trash is definitely another man's treasure (actually, more than one man's treasure since I get hit on a lot).

So happy today that now I can watch DVDs on the TV instead of on my laptop. When you're dealing with everything changing, little pleasures make you happy. I think eating alone is great since you can sit in your solitude & reflect on things. I liked doing it when I was going on road trips by myself & had to get dinner. Sometimes I felt like going to sit down restaurants and taking my time. It was always interesting to do that on my way to where I was going (mostly from Atlanta to NC or vice versa).

Oh, and another review you can read if you want:

Life doesn't stop because some jerk tried to take away everything you care about. If you take nothing else from this blog, at least take that when you read it.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Infantalization: The Surest Way to Get Me to Despise You

Reading this blog, you might think I'm easily annoyed & ticked off. That's not really true. I'm actually somewhat easygoing & flexible. It's mandatory if you're going to work in the entertainment industry & especially if you're going to be a model or an actress. Background work, fashion shows, they both require being able to adapt & roll with the punches. Not to mention being a producer or in legal work. Change seems inevitable when you're dealing with trying to get financing, interview people, get important records or other information, etc.

Like most of the world, though I have no-gos in my life. Aside from liars & hypocrisy, my biggest has to be attempts to infantalize me.

What does this mean? This means giving a person no control over his/her personal schedule & autonomy. If I can't move someplace freely & get where I need to, that's a major problem. I despise & not just loathe but can't psychologically handle being confined or at everyone else's mercy to get things done.

This partly goes back to my childhood: when my father would get into his little drunken episodes, I usually had no escape from my home. I didn't drive until I was 20, didn't have access to a car & when he ripped my bedroom door out from the hinges I didn't even have a full on retreat to my bedroom to avoid things. Sometimes I had to deal with this crap by myself, largely in my early college years. My mother & sister didn't really seem to get it even though my mother would take us and flee when he started destroying property and getting violent.

I also despise being forced to carry heavy items when I go places; I'm a model, I'm an attorney. I'm NOT a moving woman or a brawn type. No one should be demanding me to be a bodybuilder when I'm already smart, a looker & have gone through far more personal strife and grief in a very short time without having to be institutionalized, getting arrested, killing anyone or doing more harmful things to self and others like developing nasty addictions to alcohol or drugs. Let's see some of these jerkoffs go through what I have & how they cope with it. I'll bet you they would be too paralyzed to do anything meaningful with their lives.

If you are a guy around me, I'm carrying my laptop or some bag other than my purse & you don't offer to help carry it then I'm not going to think well of you. I will, in fact, presume you're an asshole not worthy of my time, interest or regard for you as a person in any dimension (aside from totally lacking in chivalry). Strangers have taken pity on seeing me move heavy things & helped me out without me having to ask so if you're some guy friend and not doing that, well you can just go to Hell.

If you want me to stay someplace or feel like I'm at "home" anywhere, you won't get me to feel that way if I don't have my free range of movement & lack of limits on my comings and goings. Nothing will drive me out quicker than feeling like I'm a teenager subjected to a curfew or an invalid who has to wait on you to feel like picking me up from someplace or to give me a ride to the grocery store.

It was getting sick of waiting for everyone else to feel like getting me a ride to the grocery store that motivated me to get a driver's license & a car. I felt constrained, trapped & like a prisoner. It also made me feel like a prisoner in NC to not have a license or a car & anytime I go there now, I insist on having my own car for my own travel since I can't deal with being at everyone else's mercy for things.

Is this something wrong with me? Am I overreacting? Or do I as an adult woman have a very healthy attitude & the people who'd say I'm overreacting have that problem?

The lack of freedom in my comings & goings makes me feel like an infant. It's not a feeling I do well with. Didn't even like that feeling when I was a teenager. I also hated curfews, especially when I felt like my mother was trying to do that when I came home for summers in college.

Remember, I was living in a single dorm room for most of my college years & I was 500 miles away from home most of the year. I had my own schedule & was doing my own things without anyone monitoring or babysitting me. I think I even asked my mother why she wanted to try that on me when A) I was well over 18 years old, B) I was living on my own 500 miles away for 9 months out of the year & C) I made every effort to be quiet when I came home i.e. not disturb others. I had my own keys and didn't turn on lights in bedrooms or anything.

This is probably why I do better living alone and answering to only myself with my own means of transportation. If I do something, it only comes down to me vs. anyone else having to deal with it. I also am not big on relying upon others since they will inevitably let you down & leave you in the lurch; it's happened to me far too many times to count & then I ended up being inconvenienced or hassled or bothered in some fashion. Not something I appreciate.

It's why when I say I'll give you a ride someplace or be around to pick you up, I follow through unless I have no car to get you or an emergency comes up (rarities that are unlikely to happen in a normal day). I don't dick around, I don't slack off on it b/c I've had people do that to me & really didn't appreciate it. For me, it's like "why did you bother making the offer if you weren't going to follow through?" You won't be borrowing my car if I have a plan to get someone & on points like this, I'm firm. I won't be oversleeping & missing YOUR stuff; I'll set alarms to ensure I don't.

Of course, I don't do such favors for just anyone. You have to earn things with me & while I really don't mind helping someone out I won't do it if you treat me like I don't count or matter. Lately, I've gotten far pickier on things & if people are going to be pissy at me for not settling for BS they can just get over it. Being in my life today (just like any other time but more so now) is a privilege, not an automatic right. Keeping that privilege means you'll have to show me you care. If you don't, it's at your peril.

At least one upside is I have discovered a great place to hang out for free in NYC if you want to be in a climate controlled space, have access to bathrooms, wall plugs, comfortable seats, and so forth. I won't share this one unless asked but maybe you can guess on your own where I'm referring to.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Separate Beds if You're Married; Should You or Shouldn't You?

Read this Slate article recently:

I have some insight on this since my mother & father did this later on. It was mostly because my mother could no longer tolerate my father's snoring and movement in his sleep. He apparently moved a lot, punching and kicking on occasion. Shockingly, I never saw her get injured from it but long after I was no longer living there she said she'd had enough & decided they needed to be in separate beds.

Plus, my father was working third shift and usually wasn't home to sleep until she had to leave for her day job.

Now I feel like their marriage was not on the best grounds considering he was an abusive alcoholic, an "asshole drunk" as I call it. For me personally, I felt like it just sounded bad all around & the separate beds thing was just icing on the cake.

So, about me: I'm probably the best person to sleep with. I don't mean in terms of sex (though no one's ever complained & I've only gotten praise for THAT, thank you). I mean in the fact that I don't snore (jerky ex claimed I did but only sometimes & not loudly), don't move around, don't talk (and if so, not much), am not a light or super heavy sleeper & if a guy I'm with initiates sex, I'll usually submit even if I'm asleep. The ex told me I pushed him away a few times but I don't remember that. I don't recall it being during the 15 months of misery but if it was, I guess that should have been my first clue.

Funny thing is we were sleeping in the same bed up until the very end though after the blowup it was an unspoken "this is my side, that's yours & never shall the two meet" (jerkoff tried to violate that & I fought to keep him away from my turf or taking my part of the blankets; even asleep, we were in conflict). I started not being able to sleep too well, especially when the "let's get separated" boom was dropped. I think the first time I was able to sleep properly was when I got to my semi-permanent housing situation.

My therapist said the new people in my life have shown me more kindness than I probably got in my entire marriage.

The irony is just where I've found this kindness; it's been in some very unlikely places, places that I under my normal mindset & circumstances wouldn't have considered. No, didn't find it with racists or some group like that. More like people under categories I had negative assumptions about & made judgment on with regard to how they'd treat me. Not getting the treatment I expected is a bit of a mind blower but maybe I should be used to it. After all, a friend whose advances I rejected in favor of the scummy ex came through at a time when my perception of who he was dictated that he wouldn't. Seems I'll be spending more time re-evaluating things I believed and my perceptions of people.

Remember that sometimes the things you're looking for come from the last place you'd expect to find them. One thing for sure is that I've got tons of inspiration and material for writing and acting; I can definitely get to pain & down times along with serious complexity (though it's not like I had no complexity to me to start with). If I'd stuck to my previous judgments & not taken some leaps of faith, I wouldn't be where I'm at now & wouldn't have some valued folk in my life.

I've definitely come to value a good night's sleep in my private space. You appreciate little things when you've had your routine broken in dramatic fashion. It also feels like coming out into a post-apocalyptic world & looking for fellow survivors to converse with.

I also personally like touch & having a guy hold me or holding him at night. So unless some guy's snoring is unbearable (as in I won't be able to sleep even if I'm wearing ear plugs) or he's one of those punchers/kickers/consistent talkers/drools buckets all over me, I'm not for the separate beds and rooms thing. I feel like it's too puritanical, too 1950s TV show for my taste. I also like the easy access for certain things like sex at odd hours. Plus, if you've had someone you find chemistry with in your bed & you've been in those early stages there's that charge you get from being in the same bed with him/her. I've been in or had guys in my bed & remember feeling so charged I could barely sleep. Didn't even have to do anything; having the guy in my bed or being in his bed was enough for me.

Perhaps I had & maybe still have some romantic notions about things like that. Indulging stuff like that is a plus with me even though I'm still a cynic, can't do commitments or attachment and probably can't fully love anyone. At least as conventional society defines love, there's no way I can do it. I could never fully give up my independence & feel irked already at having given up so much of it for a marriage that was a total sham. I hate "you complete me" and the ex even said to me once after a brutal counseling session "Why can't you turn to me to solve your problems?" Well, excuse me for being a strong, independent woman. It seems like commitments like that require people, especially women, to give up their independent selves & to that I say "why bother?"

God help any guy trying to break my even harder shell of cynicism and refusal to get attached or committed. At least I can tell you precisely why I feel that way.