Thursday, May 13, 2010

I'm Not Well

If you're a friend of mine, you already know what I'm going to say. If you aren't, then you're about to find out. Warning: it's heavy!

My husband is getting laid off. Not only that, but people who have worked at his job for up to 10 years are getting the axe. They are also closing 14 branches of the library system outright, reducing hours dramatically & the layoffs will total 1/3 of that workforce.

Why is this happening? Well, basically we have a jack-off for a Mayor & a buffoon for a governor in my state. This comes back to some classism on my part but in my view, you can't understand anything about certain experiences if you don't actually live them. I can't really understand what it's like to come from money anymore than those friends of mine can understand what things are like for me or my family. To me, it definitely holds true for elected officials.

We also have a library director whom I'm skeptical about actually suffering any of the pain (Are the HR people or others not doing much more than holding vague, important sounding titles being laid off?) & a union that may or may not have some culpability here. If I hear this library director is taking a drastic pay cut & the union people are taking drastic pay cuts that actually hit them in the pocketbook, I'll change my tune & not make those nasty phone calls. Until then, it's on.

It is once I finish a paid writing assignment, anyway. It's due on Monday & is my first priority right now.

My major issue is living in NYC. I know that if I leave NYC, no one will want to deal with me. I will fall into a deep depression, won't even be able to practice my livelihood & will get homicidal then suicidal. I remember what life was like before I moved to CT & went to law school. I remember living in CT after I finished law school; I felt like I was finished & had to leave. There are places I could go that aren't bad to visit but living there would be too much.

I have friends hundreds of miles away & like seeing them + they have nice homes but I know they'd get sick of me. I would hate dealing w/depressed me & I don't think you can fix someone's loss of their entire dream unless you give them happy pills to tinker w/their personality. Why not just kill me in that instance?

The biggest issue I would have if I didn't take drastic measures would be that I wasted over 10 years of my life. I'm not talking merely going to law school; I'm talking about even getting a high school diploma. What good would it have done me to do all that I've done to just go back to my hometown? I've not been admitted long enough to transfer my licensing & I'd only do better in the entertainment game if I moved to Los Angeles, which my husband wouldn't do. If I wanted to stay in my hometown, I could have dropped out at 16 & become a teen mother like plenty of other girls in that town.

Meeting my husband wasn't a waste & he said he wanted to be with me no matter what, deep depression & all. I, however, did not get married to then get trapped in a life I'd hate; I always said that I'd never live in certain places, job or no job. At least he agreed that he'd take a bloody rampage over living in Oklahoma or some such place.

Hopefully, we might even get to spend a holiday w/my family this year. I'd like my husband to experience that & I haven't gotten to be in their new house except for last year when my niece died. If I lived outside of this area, I think I'd end up falling into depression or worse, turn to drinking or drugs then develop an addiction.

The way I see it is: if my life's falling apart through no fault of my own & despite my best efforts, what's the point in trying to do anything? If there's no reward, why waste your time? If you knew how hard it was for me to get here & seen what happens when someone hates living somewhere, you wouldn't dismiss my emotional state as easily as the "move anywhere" cheerleaders do. Anyone who wishes to pray for me & mine to whatever deity you believe in, be my guest. Maybe some of you have that direct line & can get better results than my family ever seemed to.

No comments:

Post a Comment