Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I Can't Believe I Haven't Written the Marriage Rant Yet

It's a shocker to me. I think I've touched on it in various entries when I talk about the absurdity of someone "stealing" a mate or moving someplace just for somebody else. The idea of getting married itself, though? I don't think I did that one yet.

So because I haven't & people might wonder, here it is:

I swore up & down that I would be single forever. Literally, I figured I'd be like one of the women on Sex & the City when I hit my 30s. My oldest friend in the world would tell you I'd probably be like Miranda pre-baby & not just b/c of my hair or being a lawyer (remember, she's not an entertainment lawyer). It would be because of my sarcastic wit, much like that character's.

Now, despite my thoughts I had people saying otherwise. Despite not having a serious boyfriend until after high school (and the guy who wrote me those "I like you, do you like me?" notes in 1st grade doesn't count even though he was my first kiss), despite literally not being able to get a date in high school even though I look exactly the same as I did then & despite not being able to get along with a guy for longer than 6 months before meeting my husband (guys living in a different state from mine do not count). I still had people telling me I'd eventually get married. I thought, "Ha! That will be the day."

You remember reading about all my failed relationships & exploits? Yeah, that pretty much clinched my anti-marriage views if they weren't already there.

When I was younger, I wasn't even one of those girls who wanted to get married. I also didn't have models for a "good marriage" so in my mind marriage meant giving up your identity, your soul, everything you care about for someone else. I didn't even see that many good dating relationships among people I knew. I wanted a career & figured I'd have a successful career + money to comfort me.

Watching people in relationships on TV & in the movies (especially romantic comedies) definitely made me want to pass on the institution of marriage.

Aside from that, I never actually fell in love with anyone. At least, not Hollywood romantic love. I thought I might have with Vampire Boy but when I met my husband, I figured out that I hadn't. I never had the same connection w/anyone that I have with my husband; I remember looking for it & being disappointed when I didn't get it.

I figured I'd have to have multiple husbands if I'd ever be happy because one person could never make me happy or put up with me & my wackiness. Lucky for me, my husband felt the same way about marriage as an institution. He also figured he'd be single; in fact, if we weren't married to each other I think we both would be though he might put up with far more BS than I would.

I had plenty of guys try to get me to commit but I just wasn't feeling it. I wasn't going to settle & I think one big problem in society is that too many people settle for the wrong person. I preferred being alone to settling for someone I didn't love or someone who'd treat me badly.

Everyone else around me seemed to make getting married & finding "the One" so easy. The worst was the infamous Valentine's Day when I got dumped & my sister got engaged the next day (for the record, my sister is YOUNGER & the only one I have). Dating casually was fine with me though it got lonely from time to time.

Even though I'm married now, my husband & I still think there are plenty of people who shouldn't get married. Neither of us think people should give up things for another person, try to change someone, treat them like crap, etc. What's the point? I also think it's insane to treat a spouse like a child; I don't tell my husband who to be friends with or what to do. He'd never do that to me. Oh, and finally we agreed not to have a celibate marriage; neither of us would stick around for one of those.

I have one friend he doesn't like much (and vice versa) but I don't think either of them would tell me "It's the marriage or this friendship." That would piss me off since I despise being told what to do & a marriage without trust is a sham. My husband & I have discussed what we'd do if the other cheated. It doesn't involve forgiving & forgetting, I'll say that right now.

If my husband has friends I don't like, it's because I don't appreciate how they treated him & feel he should stand up for himself. I've said that such people aren't welcome in my home; this is different from my friend b/c he never treated me in such a way that he no longer deserved the title of "friend." My husband's former friends DID do this.

We at least feel the same about exes so that's not an issue. I think I mentioned this before but to me, it's impossible to be friends with an ex unless one person has changed so dramatically from when the earlier relationship happened. I have far too much emotion & unresolved conflict entangled in my past relationships to ever be civil to nearly all my exes.

If I can at least not want to murder an ex if he's in my eye line, that's a victory for me. Same with my husband & his exes (change the above to "she's"). Is it any surprise that people say we're the male/female versions of each other?

So, I have a lot of problems with the idea of marriage itself or at least the idea of traditional marriage. However, I've got no problem w/a truly functional marriage where both people are equal, treated like responsible adults, and operate out of love, respect, loyalty and support for one another with each person having the right to act & react as he/she wishes. I don't think you NEED marriage per se to validate a relationship but we got ours to make life easier on legal matters & practical issues like getting an apartment. We felt like we belonged together & had a future long before getting married, that's for sure.


  1. Hey -

    you posted on my blog today and wanted to say things. Seems we do have a lot in common - in fact your sentence "I figured I'd have to have multiple husbands if I'd ever be happy because one person could never make me happy or put up with me & my wackiness." sounds almost exactly like something I wrote in my journal back in college. I've still not found my perfect counterpart - maybe one day.

    Anyway, on a non-legal note, I was wondering whether your film company has considered attending the European Film Market in Berlin during the Berlinale. I worked there twice as a hostess for two different film companies. It is definitely a great way to get further distribution - the only downside is Berlin in February - BRRRR.

    Thanks again for your support.


  2. You'd have to give me details so I can pass those along to the CEO & any other relevant creative people. We recently got a North American distribution deal on our 1st feature film "Cookies & Cream" & I know that particular film is in a festival that has screenings in Australia.

    You can just respond through comments & I won't post it; I just don't like giving out my info publicly considering I have ways to be reached & could get hassled enough in the near future.