DNA Doesn't Make You Family

I probably learned this at a very young age after seeing some of what I did. I saw total bullshit happening in the name of "love" and "family members" (you know the people who are supposed to be your unconditional supporters in life) treating people worse than strangers on the street.

Add this to the dysfunctional marriages I saw and you've got some basis for my heavy cynicism.

You'll probably notice that I don't talk so much about my extended family or relatives. There's good reason for that. Are you ready?

So, apparently Southern families are soap opera like. I wasn't really aware of this until a law school classmate told me; I asked a fellow Southerner about it today & he confirmed this. But seriously? My family is probably higher on that soap opera scale than average, even though we don't have a Stefano DiMerra figure (he implanted microchips in people's brains, fathered most of Salem, kidnapped Marlena Evans about a hundred times & basically did so much meddling into people's lives that my mother once said if he, Vivian Alamain & one other Days of Our Lives character were real people, they could singlehandedly take out foreign combatants).

Shall we start with my mother's side or my father's? I guess we'll go with my father's. To start with, my father's family was dysfunctional long before it was cool or hip (we're talking the days of I Love Lucy here). He had this stepfather that was abusive & even tried putting the moves on my mother when she & my dad were engaged; they called him "Mr. [His last name]". His recently departed brother (I can't say "dearly" since he was an ass & no one really liked him) was a creeper pedophile (as I learned more recently, which explains why we didn't really hang out with him). I feel like I got lucky with my father even though living in that family was no bowl of cherries. I'm also not sure I'm cool with the fact that apparently my parents provided aid & comfort to this creeper when the snakes were striking, so to speak. I addressed this issue in an earlier post; if you read it, you'll understand where I'm going here.

Second, I can't prove this but my paternal grandmother was allegedly Miss Atlanta GA; if we're going based on looks, it could very well be true but I don't know her first name or her maiden name so I have no way to verify it. In fact, they really don't have a family tree or other relatives I've heard of except a great aunt they were close to that died when I was younger. This grandmother, like most of my grandparents, died before I was born.

It feels like I'm adopted in some ways with this whole shroud of mystery here. It gets better, though.

My mother doesn't talk to pretty much any relative except my uncle (her brother). Factions of that family fought over money left by a distant relative some years back. When we were much younger, we saw some of those relatives but as we got to middle school & onward they vanished without a trace. No one made efforts to contact us or keep up with us. They do have a family tree, though.

Now, they are all curious on everyone's business but they never ask with legitimate concern. It is apparently more like an inquisition & having gossip fodder. I should mention both sides of my family have a healthy assortment of gossips & hateful assholes. Yes, I know this is not uncommon but I thought the whole ceasing of contact had to do with physical abuse or something horrifying like that.

Our basic attitude here is the same as mine on life in general: I'm not going to follow you around seeking your approval or favor like a little puppy nipping at your ankles. You want to be around? Make a fucking effort! Otherwise, don't whine about it when you do nothing to make an effort.

I could pass a relative of mine on the street & wouldn't know it. Doesn't this sound like a soap opera already?

One hazard of working in this industry, especially if you're an actor, writer, director or anyone else who's more out in front: long lost family & friends will try contacting you for favors.

I've been prepared for that possibility for some time since I kind of have to have an online presence for the sake of business. I also know what trajectory I'm going on & as a consequence, it's just bound to happen sometime.

Sometime became Tuesday. I go check my e-mail in the morning as I do every morning before I start working & I find a cousin I've not seen since I was 7 has written me a message through my website to then ask about why my mother won't talk to them.

Gee, did I wake up & become my mother all of a sudden? Did I end up back in NC & inhabit her body sometime? Last I checked, I was a separate entity.

That window of time when I'll bother to give someone any benefit of the doubt on not seeking special favors is rapidly shrinking; I suppose it already shrank from going to law school & leaving the South but it's definitely gotten smaller than it was even 2 years ago.

I check a different e-mail account to find this cousin also wrote me the same message through Avvo.

That evening, when I've decided how I'm going to handle this I see this cousin has sent me a Facebook friend request & has no public details on her profile to give me an idea of what sort of person I'm dealing with. Nor do I have any way to respond through Facebook.

Another fact about my mom's side of the family: there are a lot of Christians in it. Some of whom are probably part of that lunatic fundie fringe that's intolerant & quoting Bible verses at you constantly while breaking most of the commandments. I'm not so certain they'd accept me for me.

I thought "Oh no she didn't!" Because her messages to me said she'd done "research" on me, I decided to point that out in my response. I also addressed what an aunt of mine said concerning my plans to live in NY state; she had claimed I was following the guy I was dating at the time (Vampire Boy) instead of having a real interest in it. Jesus, people who'd spent a few hours around me knew I had no interest in living in the South. An aunt on my dad's side I didn't spend a ton of time with even told my mother that she wasn't surprised about what I did in my adult life & where I'd moved to. She's also dead now.

I figure if that aunt knew, it should be as plain as day to anyone else. Total strangers down there knew how miserable I was living there; it was obvious & I made no secret of that fact.

In writing this message, I figured I'd treat this relative just as I'd treat a total stranger who sent me a Facebook friend request & provided no explanation or reason why I should care about connecting with them, especially on a personal social media site like Facebook. I get those kinds of requests fairly often on various social media platforms so I'm pretty direct about it.

My mother said I didn't have to be offensive & all to this relative. I said "You're assuming I care what this woman thinks. I really don't." She seems to forget I'm the woman who's known as "the enforcer," the person who'll tell you right to your face if you're crossing a line or doing something that offends me. I've got a rep to maintain, you know?

My thought is regardless of my approach, it's a win for me. I also stated that if you want to have space in my life, you'll have to accept me for who I am without trying to "save," convert or badger me about my life choices (all of them, not just the ones you like such as my super heterosexuality) as well as accept my spouse, who is not going to become a God bothering asshole.

I further stated that my mother was an adult & she could speak to her directly on that issue but that I would not be a conduit of information and would not be violating her personal privacy since she's not violated mine. I presume she would not be selling me out to some tabloid or exploiting my friends/harassing my contacts. I know she wouldn't bother celebrities since she's got no interest in such matters.

So, I'm giving this relative a week. Regardless of what happens, it's a win in my book. If she's all offended, then I won't have to worry about them bothering me. Really not worth your time to deal with me if you offend easily anyway. If not, maybe we can have a serious discussion here & lay our cards out on the table. See if there's going to be acceptance. I even put in some light profanity after pointing out that I do curse & have earned that right since I live in NYC and am an adult. Would you rather I curse or repress all that to then snap one day & shoot innocent people in a bank like that day trader did in Atlanta shortly before I moved there? I've asked my mother this question anytime she complains about me cursing out some dumbass driver in a fit of road rage while I drive.

At this point, I'm not in the mood to grovel for anyone's approval & see no reason to do it when it comes to who I am as a person. No acceptance means why bother in my book.

Just remember that your family is the one you create for yourself, not the one you're born into.

Oh, and 50 Shades of Grey is total porn but if you want honesty in some of the terms you should read the sex stories in Playboy or urban fiction (according to a librarian I know, wink wink). They spell out the male & female private parts in the characters' sexual experiences. That leads into another rant but since I'm sleepy, I'll save it for another day. Just know that my husband was right when he said this book is porn. Not that this is a bad thing; I'm just stating facts. More thoughts on this later. I have to actually finish it first.

TV Shows With Profanity In the Title & Back Off the Celebs Who Don't Carry Family Members

While I was taking the subway, I kept seeing those ads for "GCB" which feature a blond woman in what looks like a wannabe nun's habit complete with a cross but no head piece. I said "GCB" ought to stand for "Good Christian Bitch" since I've known a TON of women who claim to be "good Christians" but are actually nothing but total bitches. Some are so bad, they'd put Snooki & all the Kardashians to shame. I'll give them one thing: they have never pretended to be religious. Morally bankrupt, sure but at least they're not telling us they praise Jesus & supporting Rush Limbaugh's recent tirades against Sandra Fluke in the same breath.

Needless to say, I have some deep cynicism when it comes to the Christians.

So imagine my surprise on Friday evening when I find out that "CGB" actually does stand for "Good Christian Bitch!" Either someone's got the same cynicism I have about Christianity born from years of living in a religious household in the South or I'm just that good.

This brings me to another point, though. If you can't even say the full title of a show, why the hell would you include profanity in it? I would be pissed if I were calling my show "God Damn Motherfucking Bitch," for example & you decided to refer to it as "GDMB." That's just stupid. We all know what it says & last I checked, the FCC standards aren't so high that everything MUST be suitable for the sandbox or it's obscene (to paraphrase a quote from a famous U.S. Supreme Court case "FCC vs. Pacifica" which dealt with the airing of George Carlin's "Seven Dirty Words" monologue during a radio broadcast). From "Sh[symbols] My Dad Says" to "Dance Your A.. Off," it's pathetic.

Here's some ideas:

1. Tell the moralistic puritanical crybabies to shut up. After all, they're causing enough problems right now with trying to rid the world of contraceptives in an effort to stop even married people from having sex. If they're worried about their little children, I suggest they block their access to the Internet, music playing on the radio & home school them.

Finally, last I checked little babies can't read & don't know what "shit" or "bitch" means. Some of these words are even in Bible scriptures, for Christ's sake! What do these idiots do in Bible study, censor the Bible? Personally, I don't want such superstitious demographics watching my show or consuming my work anyway since they're too simple to get it.

2. Change the name to something that's still subversive & snarky without making the religious crybabies get their panties in a knot. You could still call this show for example "The Worst Christians Ever" or "Hypocrites" and still tick them off if they actually know what some of these words mean.

3. Play your show on HBO, IFC or some other network that doesn't cater to little kids or breeder mentalities & that those groups have no business watching in the first place.

The whole Rush Limbaugh controversy is a perfect illustration of why certain people should be fixed & taken to their own island to create their own theocracy. I don't like paying taxes for your little children's school or your Viagra, you know? Nor do I like paying for deadbeats who won't take care of the kids they bring into the world with fewer resources for my family, more danger to my health & well being, etc. Sandra Fluke could have been any fertile woman walking around here: your daughter, cousin, friend, sibling, etc. Even my own niece, who was attending the very same law school as Ms. Fluke.

I was at least lucky to get a tubal but what about childfree women who haven't been? You think it's peachy keen to tell those women what to do when YOU won't be paying for the upkeep, carrying a baby, etc.?!?! Telling people to be lifelong virgins while you'd laugh your ass off at someone who was a 30 year old virgin & laugh even harder as that person got older and kept their virginity. Popular media is certainly not the only group that would get yuks from this.

Funny, but it's not my fault or anyone else's that you're too ugly for anyone to think impure thoughts about. Go work on yourself & stop blaming the rest of the world for your spiritual failings. I know God wouldn't approve.

Speaking of other things God wouldn't approve of, what is it with all these tabloids & people speaking out when some celebrity doesn't let a family member leech off him/her? If it's not Brad Pitt's grandmother, it's Madonna's brother or Jennifer Lopez's alma matter.

Here's a thought: consider your own family. Do you have relatives who've been jerks to you? People who told you they loved you less than other family members? People who were total dream killers & told you "you will never make it" or "you will fail?" Even simply a family member who plays martyr all the time & gets pissy if you don't properly prostrate yourself after (s)he does something you never asked him/her to do?

Aside from the issue of addiction (another very big thing that if you've not lived it, you don't know shit about it or where letting that person go might be the only way), how do you know Brad Pitt's grandmother was some great relative who supported him? How do you know she wasn't some mega-bitch to him who tried sabotaging his career? Not every grandparent is some shining example of loveliness & kindness.

If my own would indeed react the way my mother predicted she would concerning my sister, do you really think I'd bother giving a second thought to such a person's needs? I have a number of family members I don't get along with; me becoming a public figure in any scope isn't going to change that & it won't make me become charitable to them. Nor should I have to. You reap what you sow in this life & guess what? These people don't owe the public an explanation or public apology for not letting someone they share a blood tie with leech off of them. I have some compassion for this as someone from a dysfunctional family & with an alcoholic father. No actor or anyone we ever work with will owe me those explanations & I certainly won't base my opinions on someone as a person or contact on family stuff I've got no knowledge of.

To crystallize this a little more for those of you outside this field, I was at a networking event a few days ago & met someone there who told me about having a degree from an Ivy League school to then go into this business. It made me be happy I didn't have something like that to be hassled over. We were talking about how people outside this business don't get it & are too content doing the easy thing instead of what they'd really want to do. It's sad, really. Do you really think those of us who put ourselves on the line & succeed are going to do a damn thing for you lazy, fearful jerks who want to shove us down? What drugs are you taking? I think there may be some people who'd like to get some.

Guess Who's Picking Your Nursing Home, Evil Parents?!?!?

It seems like parental relations is one of those universal areas that everyone can relate to. Even if you've never met them or you were adopted, nearly everyone's got some kind of opinion about the people who took care of them in childhood. If no one took care of you? Surely you're pissed at someone for dropping the ball there, right?

But as you might long to meet your biological parents or had to fend for yourself, there's still people who had objectively "good" parents who are miserable.

Take the case of the parent who's too strict. This is the world my sister & I grew up in. My mother, as you should have already read, was MEGA strict. She's also a religious conservative despite other things she has said & done in life. I still haven't asked about that whole sheltering a pedophile thing but man, I've got more ammo to use on her now.

You may recall my mentioning her attitude on children born outside of a marriage (she's so against it that she told me & my sister that the first one of us to have a child that wasn't out of wedlock would get the doll my grandmother had as a girl). You may also remember me talking about my sister being pregnant.

Despite my disagreements with her and having a very different mindset (maybe I'm the Terminator of my family because my mother & sister refuse to debate on issues or stand up for themselves on most things), I do actually speak to her & would care if she lived or died. Seems my mother has been going on her little judgmental digs lately. I don't really get it from her since I think I long since established that I'd cut people off for it but apparently, she felt it was okay to diminish her own grandkids by telling my sister that this baby would be the first she'd have that wasn't out of wedlock & saying it in a judgmental tone.

She's also apparently called my sister a breeder b/c this would be her third kid, claiming this was her fourth pregnancy. Never mind the fact that she lost the second one, her oldest probably wouldn't be alive today if she'd had him in wedlock and that the laws are such that it was more beneficial for her to stay single instead of getting married and impoverishing herself while her intended was not employed.

I also learned that my uncle apparently made such cracks about her kids' origins in front of them. That is totally uncool in my book. Kids remember shit like that. I still remember a long deceased aunt telling me and my sister that she loved us less than our male cousins. That happened over 20 years ago.

My sister apparently asked my mom how our grandmother would be if she were alive today (she died when I was 5 of cancer & I don't have any memories of her being a bitch to me). My mother apparently said that she would have more to say than she would.

Wow!! Way to make me be happy that my grandmother died before she could ever disapprove of us! Way to make me happy she's not around to vote some sexist ticket for the presidency! I wonder how happy she was with her daughter marrying an abusive alcoholic who disrespected her and made her grandkids feel like crap. Under that logic, she'd be calling me a slut and probably evil or a corrupted victim (which would piss me off as I was angry w/my father thinking of us as mindless robots when I was about 10 & felt he was an idiot for not getting that we had minds of our own & could see how he treated our mother, which we didn't approve of).

I also think grandparents tend to dote more on their grandkids & give them more latitude than they would their kids. My husband actually had a great relationship with his grandparents and they were actually the people who cared and supported him on things he wanted to do in life.

I've not heard my mother speak this way in front of me.

Maybe you'd say "That's because you're 'The Angry Redheaded Lawyer'/'The Avenger'."

Perhaps...

Maybe it's also because I've said in no uncertain terms that for instance, being nasty to my non-religious husband or making him feel unwelcome or uncomfortable in any way means you don't get to be in my life.

Maybe it's relevant to my being the highest educated person & not wanting to piss off the only attorney/film executive you're going to have meaningful access to.

I'd grant you all of this. I also stood up for myself a lot in college, even pointing out where my mother wanted to get uppity over my doing the very things she said to do. I'm also the person who told her she wasn't a supportive or comforting parent so she shouldn't be shocked at being the last to know about my sister's first pregnancy.

I was also the one who told my father that he should be glad my sister had a husband who stood up for her when he decided to get in her face & her first husband got in his face. I could see her current husband do the same thing & I would hope that he would as a man. My father ended up agreeing with me after being mad at my sister's first husband.

Let's consider something for a moment: who do you think will be dealing with elder care for these people when they're too old to be self-sufficient? I live hundreds of miles away, work in an industry that doesn't travel so well & have a husband who absolutely wouldn't live in the South. My sister lives a few minutes away.

Give up? My sister. Might be in my mother's best interest not to be a jerk to my sister, don't you think? I might end up making more money but I'm not going to be a physical presence or doing those in-person visits at the same level as my sister.

And people wonder why I'm of the school that family is what you make, not who you're born to along with why being "family" doesn't automatically mean much to me unless you're a sorority sister or part of the One Way family i.e. a member of a family I chose for myself?

My husband, in fact, has joked that he will be sticking his parents in the world's worst nursing home. He may actually do it based on some serious things going on in his past & his mother's behavior in particular. I already told him that I have no say on it because that's his choice. He most likely feels the same about mine. Neither of us was there for childhood with the other's parents so if the one who lived it feels their parents need to suffer for being an ass, then it's not the place of someone who came into the fold as a grownup and much later in life to make those decisions.

Karmic justice. I wonder how many people do this. Ever think that maybe some older people were real jerks to their relatives & that's why they don't visit them at the home? Could be a viable explanation but I can't see that many elderly people being unrepentant scumbags. Then again, it may very well be a case of being on the outside looking in.

As for me & my husband, we intend to have the money for good care later on or be dead first. Not being self-sufficient is, for us, a form of death. I'd rather not be alive if I had no quality of life; husband agrees. Hence, no life support for us.

God, see how stressful it can be to work in this industry? I now have to think about which relationships I'm kicking out of my life due to toxicity. I'll take being alone over being abused; liberation is better than companionship at any cost. There are a great many people in the world and I know you can find some gems if you look hard enough.

The Wedding Saga Part 5

On Wednesday, I got my very first Mystic Tan. A sorority sister of mine who worked at a tanning salon once told me that she could get even me tan w/a Mystic Tan. I'd heard about it and my sister has had a few but I had not. Originally, we were going to get airbrushed tans and could not get wet for 24 hours but the choice was made to opt for a Mystic tan at a familiar location where appointments were not necessary.

Plus, my sister said she was self conscious about some pretty young woman getting to spray her with her not being "little & skinny." That was certainly not an issue for me; I figured I'd just be going along with the game plan anyway. Plus I have had to try on bras in large dressing areas where there was no private space and you had to disrobe in front of women you didn't know.

If you have an acting background, your personal boundaries are also different from the average person's since you have to be more up & close and personal with people as part of acting exercises and the like. It changes the bounds of your comfort zone. Because of this, I know for a fact I have no lesbian tendencies since those would have shown up a long time ago like when I was in high school theater or dance, where we had no formal changing areas and had 2 spaces on either side of the school's stage to change into things you couldn't get into discreetly like sports bras.

To get a Mystic Tan, you have to go into a booth by yourself after putting on barrier cream and, in our case, some hydrating lotion to make the tan spread evenly. One tip: they mean it when they say to use the barrier cream generously. My thumb looked dirty after my tan started showing.

I didn't realize how cold it would be. I had to work hard not to flinch when the spray was hitting me. I was holding my breath & felt shivery. At least next time I get it done, I'll know what to expect.

After this, we went to an event at my nephew's school. They were having their book bash, where the kids had made their own books to show the parents. My nephew had me, my husband, his parents and my parents in attendance. We even had our own little corner since there were so many of us. I think he had more people there to support him than any other kid in the class.

The only thing I didn't appreciate is my sister playing fashion police. My mother likes to do that to and I think it stems from being upset that I got more in the bust department than they did. For years, I've had to deal with both of them trying to play fashion police & telling me to dress like an old grandmother, never playing up my looks. I've thought of dressing like an old lady sometime just to bug them. The irony is that my sister was far more rebellious when it came to our conservative Christian upbringing; now she seems to have embraced it on some level while I rebelled more quietly.

Sounds simple to say "don't get wet for 6 hours", right? Not if you want a bottle of water and there's condensation to deal with. That was a pain for me at this event.

The upside is that while the tan didn't make me super brown I did go from looking like a ghost with red hair to a more normal person with red hair. I seriously have a Polaroid pic of myself from 10th grade where I look like a ghost with red hair and red painted fingernails.

The rest of that day and into Thursday, I got a break from the wedding stuff and got to spend quality time with my family members, especially my older nephew. My husband was teaching him bad habits but we did end up watching cartoons with him and exposing him to some classics he might not normally get to see. It also makes me feel good that he likes cartoons on Boomerang since I'd feel I failed if he became a teen and didn't know who Bugs Bunny was.

On Thursday, I got to visit my uncle. He's actually the only one who acknowledged my wedding and has a lot in common with my husband. They've wanted to meet one another for ages & finally got that opportunity. My cousin was working but everyone hoped they'd show up for the wedding. They did not.

This is largely because my uncle is somewhat reclusive and not the most social person. My mother is also like this to a lesser degree. I really should go find my cousin online and pester him for not taking the opportunity to get to see my husband in a tux since it will likely never happen again.

However, to this day none of my other relatives even said so much as "Congratulations" to me when I got married while going above and beyond for my sister. I've been married for nearly 5 years now, you know? I'm sure many of them even gave her wedding gifts. I've also felt like many of my family members seem to begrudge me living my own life and getting out of the South when I would have continued to be miserable if I'd stayed there & surely remained single for life.

Whether they actually do or not, I don't know but I've not felt the same kind of love or regard toward me that my sister has gotten.

So now we move to Friday, the night of the dress rehearsal. After some more spouse & me time, we have to go to the church in the evening. This is a real fun thing considering my husband isn't the least bit religious and apparently, neither are some of the groom's friends.

The best man showed up intoxicated. The other matron of honor decided to text through most of it and my aunt tried lumping me in as a bridesmaid while the ineffective matron of honor was hogging all the credit & getting to do EVERY LITTLE THING. The church was having a youth lockup that night.

For those thinking that a "youth lockup" is some kind of simulated prison experience, let me explain. A "youth lockup" is basically a slumber party where you stay in one room, hang out with others and sleep on the floor. I went to one at the same church when I was in the Girl Scouts and had fun. Maybe it's different when the specter of religion is introduced but it's not supposed to be practice jail.

My husband was also taken aback when told he'd be assisting on escorting people into the church, including the groom's mother whom everyone described as a piece of work. She vanished after one full rehearsal and others started to trickle out when food plans were still not finalized. My husband was starting to get hungry and the prospect of dealing with this pushy matron of honor didn't please me at all. Finally, my sister decides to go with her to go get food from a restaurant the matron of honor works at. By the time this happened, my husband had a headache from lack of food so we had to leave (I rode with him).

While we were having dinner at Steak & Shake, more fun starts happening:

1. Instead of asking where the men's room was, the best man decides to relieve himself outside in some of the church's bushes. Not sure if he was in view of the youths attending the youth lockup but people were pissed about that.

2. The other matron of honor decides to use the church's hot sauce after one of our bridesmaids told her she could. Never mind that this bridesmaid had nothing to do with the church. See tomorrow's entry for her reaction when confronted on this. It gets good.

3. After this, she says she's going off to meet with the aforementioned scumbag and will be back soon. She doesn't come back.

4. The bridesmaid from above used the church's ketchup but was contrite and apologetic after realizing she'd stolen from the church.

Now, all this happens after an earlier fight with this bridesmaid (who STILL did a better job at being the local matron of honor than the other one did) and with the groom's mother causing conflict, essentially by being as cheap as possible.

My mother and my sister also had to deal with printing programs after all this and ended up having to burn the midnight oil to get that taken care of. They got very little sleep the night before this wedding.

I'm still pissed we didn't go to "The Breakfast Club" and my husband jokingly tried to talk me into going to a strip club near where we'd had dinner. I suppose to bring my spirits up over having to deal with this whole wedding; with my luck, though, I'd have probably seen someone I know working there.

That evening, I thought "I will be away from this other matron of honor at the reception because I will sit with my family." (to my chagrin, that didn't end up happening). We didn't get to go because he didn't feel well and it was raining most of the day. I was even drenched in a downpour that happened after my husband got his hair cut that afternoon.

I proudly wore my shirt that says "Good Girls Go to Heaven, Bad Girls Go to New York" but had my hoodie over it because of the rain. No way was I dressing up and getting clothes ruined or pretending to be the good little Christian I wasn't. My mom claimed my shirt wasn't appropriate but I refused to change and said "It doesn't have profanity on it!" I could understand not wearing a shirt with the work "fuck" on it in a church but not the one I wore, right? If you can't have a sense of humor, you should fuck off & die. That is all.