Have you ever had to deal with people who offer to do something nice for you? You think "Oh, cool. I need this & it's appreciated." You tell the person as much & take their help since A) you could use it & B) you believe it might make that person feel bad if you reject their help.
So time passes and then the person bitches b/c they helped you & you indulged. What the fuck?
That's what I ask myself in that situation. When I was in college, a family friend's friends offered to help me with things. One offered to buy my groceries & said nothing to me about cost limits or what to buy or anything other than "I'm paying." With that, you'd get what you wanted & what you like, correct?
Later on, I find out through my mother that this person gets all pissed b/c of me buying what I want. Gee, how about not making an offer in the first place if you can't do it with a full heart? Better yet, if you have limits why not tell someone what those are beforehand? It's not like I lived off lobsters or brie or organic everything (and for the record I still don't).
This sort of thing is a huge pet peeve of mine. Why? Because it's a form of lying. You're lying to me when you do something like that. My mother even agreed with me on that conflict & my contention that if you say you're going to do something, then do it. If you have conditions or strings to impose, do that before someone is taking your offer of help. Otherwise it just makes you an asshole & a shitty person. I'd rather you not bother in the first place than get pissed at me because you had buyer's remorse. I'm not some helpless little kid who needs the world to solve her problems. I CAN take care of myself & am still mananging (takes a lot more than a peon such as my ex to bring me down).
And this person didn't even bring that beef directly to me. He goes to our family friend who then goes to my mother. You have to be thinking "No wonder she hates being infatalized! Look at what she had to deal with as a 19 year old adult in college living hundreds of miles away." We can't be an adult & talk to someone directly? We have to go act like a 5 year old & tattle to my Mommy?
Then, there's another serious gripe I have. That is people who air their business in a public setting & then expect others who read it not to comment.
I acknowledge that there are haters out there & have never gotten pissed at people for commenting on something I had posted in a public space. When my jerky in-laws dared to claim I had no 1st Amendment rights to speak or any right to an opinion when I had to deal with the ridiculousness last summer, I never said they had no right to comment or have an opinion on what I thought. I merely said where I posted my views was MY space, not someplace catering to their mentality & that they didn't have to read what I wrote then or what I'd write in the future if it offended them SOOOOO much. Never took anyone's voice away or tried censoring them.
I might think you're a moron or a tool or an asshole & not like what you have to say but I'm not going to be mad at you for the act of saying it.
I've had a few incidents online where people got pissed off by me daring to speak on something they posted in a public forum. Had someone yesterday do this on something that came up on MY social media feed. I pointed out that it came up on my feed & if she didn't want me to comment, she could have limited the view of the post or just blocked me. Realized today that there was an even better solution: she could have just sent a private group message to the people involved. A designer I worked with has done this when she had business to discuss with her models & not the entire friends' list.
Simple concept, right? So I see no need to bitch at me for commenting on a situation generally explaining why someone might have done what was complained about (since it seemed like such a foggy mystery to her why the people in question may have done something; as a business owner who isn't a moron, I rightly point out that someone with no ownership in an endeavor who's not getting paid & is paying to work with you isn't going to have the same passion/dedication/care as the person who DOES have that ownership) & engaging in personal attacks.
I could have said a lot of things to this person publicly but I stated that if she was indeed making a personal attack then she's a very shitty person. Because if you're making personal attacks against me NOW, you are indeed a very shitty person. Feeling a sense of accomplishment over that is like cheering because you shot a man who was already lying in the street dying. Big deal. A person who does that has zero character & is certainly not an adult. This was someone who's daring to trash me in the modeling game but who I don't see living in a penthouse in Manhattan or raking in billions. In fact, I've been doing it far less time so this person should probably ask herself what her excuse is for not being famous already.
Also, it seems to me like that's all this person has. I have an education, a business mind, some street smarts & far more emotional strength than the average person. I also have more skills and don't have to worry about petty bullshit like wondering what everyone else thinks of me. I also get the luxury of operating in my own realm since I'm unique & don't have the problem of walking into a room and finding a hundred girls who could pass for my twin or even my sister.
Is it not accurate to say if you post something publicly, you are opening yourself up to comment even if you don't like what's being said? I also felt the tone of what I commented on was inappropriate, alienating & it wouldn't inspire me to work with you if I hadn't before (it seemed far too scoldy to me). That's the stuff you deal with in private not air on a public feed for outsiders (friends or not) to see. If your skull is that fragile, it's time to rethink working in the entertainment industry.
Does this person think she can do some of the work she does & NOT have to deal with harassment, nasty remarks, etc.? How is she going to handle that stuff? Is she going to bitch at someone for daring to disagree or not thinking she's the most awesome, fabulous person out there?
These are the things a business owner has to think about if they ever hope to be effective. If you want things to be private, you need to MAKE THEM PRIVATE. Is that so hard to do? When I have a private thought or comment, I deal with it privately. I limit who can see things. I don't air my dirty laundry then bitch at someone for daring to make a comment.
This pisses me off since it's a form of censorship against me. If you've read this blog long enough, then you know how I feel about being censored. Lying and censorship? How many MORE sins do you want to commit against me to piss me off? If you don't want me to comment on something, then don't have it where I can see it. Simple solution. I get enough in my social media feeds without seeing pedantic bullshit I apparently have no right to have an opinion or comment on. Get it out of my face! More housecleaning.
I suppose riding myself of people who behave like 5 year olds or teenagers is a blessing in disguise. The basic rule with me is "say what you mean & mean what you say." If you can do that, you'll be great friends with me. If a guy I found desirable did that, I might even be able to fall in love with him.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
The Fluidity of Life & Why Are People So Unhappy About Eating Out Alone?
I'm finding in this new normal that life is all about change & fluidity. Some people just don't fit into it; I can't deal with bullshit or anyone who's going to bring MORE tears, stress, heartache or hassle into my life. In fact, I think it's inhumane to expect me to put up with such things. At this point, I'm just getting used to the fact that life IS change. Things you thought were a certain way just aren't & people you thought were going to be around for a while sometimes disappoint you. However, I feel all experiences have a value (good or bad).
I still feel like I wasted a good chunk of my adult life in this marriage & committing to someone but at least I won't be making that mistake again. One friend told me I've gone from constantly talking about my husband to becoming negative. I pointed out that I DID warn him that was going to happen if my marriage fell apart. Probably an upside for HIM, though. He no longer has to lament on how I'm with a man who's not good enough for me (though one has to wonder just who he DOES think is good enough for me).
Trying to have multiple people around for comfort in these times since I think it's unfair to stick everything onto one person. I also like that now I get to warn people against relationships & marriage as well as cheer up those who want them so badly. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, you know. I realized I missed the excitement in my single life & getting to do new things, have new experiences, etc. Sucks when your spouse isn't open to doing new things & you're itching to go to a new restaurant or learn a new skill or something. Seems I'm also more of an optimist than I thought I was. Plain & simple, I just feel free.
Speaking of being free, I think that's also why I have no qualms about eating out alone. In fact, I embrace it since I like to have all the bread and all the chips for myself. It's MINE, damn it!!! I don't understand why people claim it's so bad. No one has ever given me a look of pity or shitty service because of it. Not sure if this is normal or not but I went to one place & saw a couple eating together right near me; I didn't feel the least bit wistful or envious about it. It was simply a relief to be able to go out alone.
However, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a guy taking me out & paying for me. That's happened on occasion in my new life. Guy interest has been thick since the jerk kicked me out. Seems one man's trash is definitely another man's treasure (actually, more than one man's treasure since I get hit on a lot).
So happy today that now I can watch DVDs on the TV instead of on my laptop. When you're dealing with everything changing, little pleasures make you happy. I think eating alone is great since you can sit in your solitude & reflect on things. I liked doing it when I was going on road trips by myself & had to get dinner. Sometimes I felt like going to sit down restaurants and taking my time. It was always interesting to do that on my way to where I was going (mostly from Atlanta to NC or vice versa).
Oh, and another review you can read if you want: http://www.womanaroundtown.com/sections/playing-around/the-pink-unicorn-by-elise-forier-edie-youll-laugh-youll-cry
Life doesn't stop because some jerk tried to take away everything you care about. If you take nothing else from this blog, at least take that when you read it.
I still feel like I wasted a good chunk of my adult life in this marriage & committing to someone but at least I won't be making that mistake again. One friend told me I've gone from constantly talking about my husband to becoming negative. I pointed out that I DID warn him that was going to happen if my marriage fell apart. Probably an upside for HIM, though. He no longer has to lament on how I'm with a man who's not good enough for me (though one has to wonder just who he DOES think is good enough for me).
Trying to have multiple people around for comfort in these times since I think it's unfair to stick everything onto one person. I also like that now I get to warn people against relationships & marriage as well as cheer up those who want them so badly. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, you know. I realized I missed the excitement in my single life & getting to do new things, have new experiences, etc. Sucks when your spouse isn't open to doing new things & you're itching to go to a new restaurant or learn a new skill or something. Seems I'm also more of an optimist than I thought I was. Plain & simple, I just feel free.
Speaking of being free, I think that's also why I have no qualms about eating out alone. In fact, I embrace it since I like to have all the bread and all the chips for myself. It's MINE, damn it!!! I don't understand why people claim it's so bad. No one has ever given me a look of pity or shitty service because of it. Not sure if this is normal or not but I went to one place & saw a couple eating together right near me; I didn't feel the least bit wistful or envious about it. It was simply a relief to be able to go out alone.
However, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a guy taking me out & paying for me. That's happened on occasion in my new life. Guy interest has been thick since the jerk kicked me out. Seems one man's trash is definitely another man's treasure (actually, more than one man's treasure since I get hit on a lot).
So happy today that now I can watch DVDs on the TV instead of on my laptop. When you're dealing with everything changing, little pleasures make you happy. I think eating alone is great since you can sit in your solitude & reflect on things. I liked doing it when I was going on road trips by myself & had to get dinner. Sometimes I felt like going to sit down restaurants and taking my time. It was always interesting to do that on my way to where I was going (mostly from Atlanta to NC or vice versa).
Oh, and another review you can read if you want: http://www.womanaroundtown.com/sections/playing-around/the-pink-unicorn-by-elise-forier-edie-youll-laugh-youll-cry
Life doesn't stop because some jerk tried to take away everything you care about. If you take nothing else from this blog, at least take that when you read it.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Infantalization: The Surest Way to Get Me to Despise You
Reading this blog, you might think I'm easily annoyed & ticked off. That's not really true. I'm actually somewhat easygoing & flexible. It's mandatory if you're going to work in the entertainment industry & especially if you're going to be a model or an actress. Background work, fashion shows, they both require being able to adapt & roll with the punches. Not to mention being a producer or in legal work. Change seems inevitable when you're dealing with trying to get financing, interview people, get important records or other information, etc.
Like most of the world, though I have no-gos in my life. Aside from liars & hypocrisy, my biggest has to be attempts to infantalize me.
What does this mean? This means giving a person no control over his/her personal schedule & autonomy. If I can't move someplace freely & get where I need to, that's a major problem. I despise & not just loathe but can't psychologically handle being confined or at everyone else's mercy to get things done.
This partly goes back to my childhood: when my father would get into his little drunken episodes, I usually had no escape from my home. I didn't drive until I was 20, didn't have access to a car & when he ripped my bedroom door out from the hinges I didn't even have a full on retreat to my bedroom to avoid things. Sometimes I had to deal with this crap by myself, largely in my early college years. My mother & sister didn't really seem to get it even though my mother would take us and flee when he started destroying property and getting violent.
I also despise being forced to carry heavy items when I go places; I'm a model, I'm an attorney. I'm NOT a moving woman or a brawn type. No one should be demanding me to be a bodybuilder when I'm already smart, a looker & have gone through far more personal strife and grief in a very short time without having to be institutionalized, getting arrested, killing anyone or doing more harmful things to self and others like developing nasty addictions to alcohol or drugs. Let's see some of these jerkoffs go through what I have & how they cope with it. I'll bet you they would be too paralyzed to do anything meaningful with their lives.
If you are a guy around me, I'm carrying my laptop or some bag other than my purse & you don't offer to help carry it then I'm not going to think well of you. I will, in fact, presume you're an asshole not worthy of my time, interest or regard for you as a person in any dimension (aside from totally lacking in chivalry). Strangers have taken pity on seeing me move heavy things & helped me out without me having to ask so if you're some guy friend and not doing that, well you can just go to Hell.
If you want me to stay someplace or feel like I'm at "home" anywhere, you won't get me to feel that way if I don't have my free range of movement & lack of limits on my comings and goings. Nothing will drive me out quicker than feeling like I'm a teenager subjected to a curfew or an invalid who has to wait on you to feel like picking me up from someplace or to give me a ride to the grocery store.
It was getting sick of waiting for everyone else to feel like getting me a ride to the grocery store that motivated me to get a driver's license & a car. I felt constrained, trapped & like a prisoner. It also made me feel like a prisoner in NC to not have a license or a car & anytime I go there now, I insist on having my own car for my own travel since I can't deal with being at everyone else's mercy for things.
Is this something wrong with me? Am I overreacting? Or do I as an adult woman have a very healthy attitude & the people who'd say I'm overreacting have that problem?
The lack of freedom in my comings & goings makes me feel like an infant. It's not a feeling I do well with. Didn't even like that feeling when I was a teenager. I also hated curfews, especially when I felt like my mother was trying to do that when I came home for summers in college.
Remember, I was living in a single dorm room for most of my college years & I was 500 miles away from home most of the year. I had my own schedule & was doing my own things without anyone monitoring or babysitting me. I think I even asked my mother why she wanted to try that on me when A) I was well over 18 years old, B) I was living on my own 500 miles away for 9 months out of the year & C) I made every effort to be quiet when I came home i.e. not disturb others. I had my own keys and didn't turn on lights in bedrooms or anything.
This is probably why I do better living alone and answering to only myself with my own means of transportation. If I do something, it only comes down to me vs. anyone else having to deal with it. I also am not big on relying upon others since they will inevitably let you down & leave you in the lurch; it's happened to me far too many times to count & then I ended up being inconvenienced or hassled or bothered in some fashion. Not something I appreciate.
It's why when I say I'll give you a ride someplace or be around to pick you up, I follow through unless I have no car to get you or an emergency comes up (rarities that are unlikely to happen in a normal day). I don't dick around, I don't slack off on it b/c I've had people do that to me & really didn't appreciate it. For me, it's like "why did you bother making the offer if you weren't going to follow through?" You won't be borrowing my car if I have a plan to get someone & on points like this, I'm firm. I won't be oversleeping & missing YOUR stuff; I'll set alarms to ensure I don't.
Of course, I don't do such favors for just anyone. You have to earn things with me & while I really don't mind helping someone out I won't do it if you treat me like I don't count or matter. Lately, I've gotten far pickier on things & if people are going to be pissy at me for not settling for BS they can just get over it. Being in my life today (just like any other time but more so now) is a privilege, not an automatic right. Keeping that privilege means you'll have to show me you care. If you don't, it's at your peril.
At least one upside is I have discovered a great place to hang out for free in NYC if you want to be in a climate controlled space, have access to bathrooms, wall plugs, comfortable seats, and so forth. I won't share this one unless asked but maybe you can guess on your own where I'm referring to.
Like most of the world, though I have no-gos in my life. Aside from liars & hypocrisy, my biggest has to be attempts to infantalize me.
What does this mean? This means giving a person no control over his/her personal schedule & autonomy. If I can't move someplace freely & get where I need to, that's a major problem. I despise & not just loathe but can't psychologically handle being confined or at everyone else's mercy to get things done.
This partly goes back to my childhood: when my father would get into his little drunken episodes, I usually had no escape from my home. I didn't drive until I was 20, didn't have access to a car & when he ripped my bedroom door out from the hinges I didn't even have a full on retreat to my bedroom to avoid things. Sometimes I had to deal with this crap by myself, largely in my early college years. My mother & sister didn't really seem to get it even though my mother would take us and flee when he started destroying property and getting violent.
I also despise being forced to carry heavy items when I go places; I'm a model, I'm an attorney. I'm NOT a moving woman or a brawn type. No one should be demanding me to be a bodybuilder when I'm already smart, a looker & have gone through far more personal strife and grief in a very short time without having to be institutionalized, getting arrested, killing anyone or doing more harmful things to self and others like developing nasty addictions to alcohol or drugs. Let's see some of these jerkoffs go through what I have & how they cope with it. I'll bet you they would be too paralyzed to do anything meaningful with their lives.
If you are a guy around me, I'm carrying my laptop or some bag other than my purse & you don't offer to help carry it then I'm not going to think well of you. I will, in fact, presume you're an asshole not worthy of my time, interest or regard for you as a person in any dimension (aside from totally lacking in chivalry). Strangers have taken pity on seeing me move heavy things & helped me out without me having to ask so if you're some guy friend and not doing that, well you can just go to Hell.
If you want me to stay someplace or feel like I'm at "home" anywhere, you won't get me to feel that way if I don't have my free range of movement & lack of limits on my comings and goings. Nothing will drive me out quicker than feeling like I'm a teenager subjected to a curfew or an invalid who has to wait on you to feel like picking me up from someplace or to give me a ride to the grocery store.
It was getting sick of waiting for everyone else to feel like getting me a ride to the grocery store that motivated me to get a driver's license & a car. I felt constrained, trapped & like a prisoner. It also made me feel like a prisoner in NC to not have a license or a car & anytime I go there now, I insist on having my own car for my own travel since I can't deal with being at everyone else's mercy for things.
Is this something wrong with me? Am I overreacting? Or do I as an adult woman have a very healthy attitude & the people who'd say I'm overreacting have that problem?
The lack of freedom in my comings & goings makes me feel like an infant. It's not a feeling I do well with. Didn't even like that feeling when I was a teenager. I also hated curfews, especially when I felt like my mother was trying to do that when I came home for summers in college.
Remember, I was living in a single dorm room for most of my college years & I was 500 miles away from home most of the year. I had my own schedule & was doing my own things without anyone monitoring or babysitting me. I think I even asked my mother why she wanted to try that on me when A) I was well over 18 years old, B) I was living on my own 500 miles away for 9 months out of the year & C) I made every effort to be quiet when I came home i.e. not disturb others. I had my own keys and didn't turn on lights in bedrooms or anything.
This is probably why I do better living alone and answering to only myself with my own means of transportation. If I do something, it only comes down to me vs. anyone else having to deal with it. I also am not big on relying upon others since they will inevitably let you down & leave you in the lurch; it's happened to me far too many times to count & then I ended up being inconvenienced or hassled or bothered in some fashion. Not something I appreciate.
It's why when I say I'll give you a ride someplace or be around to pick you up, I follow through unless I have no car to get you or an emergency comes up (rarities that are unlikely to happen in a normal day). I don't dick around, I don't slack off on it b/c I've had people do that to me & really didn't appreciate it. For me, it's like "why did you bother making the offer if you weren't going to follow through?" You won't be borrowing my car if I have a plan to get someone & on points like this, I'm firm. I won't be oversleeping & missing YOUR stuff; I'll set alarms to ensure I don't.
Of course, I don't do such favors for just anyone. You have to earn things with me & while I really don't mind helping someone out I won't do it if you treat me like I don't count or matter. Lately, I've gotten far pickier on things & if people are going to be pissy at me for not settling for BS they can just get over it. Being in my life today (just like any other time but more so now) is a privilege, not an automatic right. Keeping that privilege means you'll have to show me you care. If you don't, it's at your peril.
At least one upside is I have discovered a great place to hang out for free in NYC if you want to be in a climate controlled space, have access to bathrooms, wall plugs, comfortable seats, and so forth. I won't share this one unless asked but maybe you can guess on your own where I'm referring to.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Separate Beds if You're Married; Should You or Shouldn't You?
Read this Slate article recently: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2014/04/separate_beds_in_marriage_i_love_my_husband_but_i_don_t_want_to_share_a.html
I have some insight on this since my mother & father did this later on. It was mostly because my mother could no longer tolerate my father's snoring and movement in his sleep. He apparently moved a lot, punching and kicking on occasion. Shockingly, I never saw her get injured from it but long after I was no longer living there she said she'd had enough & decided they needed to be in separate beds.
Plus, my father was working third shift and usually wasn't home to sleep until she had to leave for her day job.
Now I feel like their marriage was not on the best grounds considering he was an abusive alcoholic, an "asshole drunk" as I call it. For me personally, I felt like it just sounded bad all around & the separate beds thing was just icing on the cake.
So, about me: I'm probably the best person to sleep with. I don't mean in terms of sex (though no one's ever complained & I've only gotten praise for THAT, thank you). I mean in the fact that I don't snore (jerky ex claimed I did but only sometimes & not loudly), don't move around, don't talk (and if so, not much), am not a light or super heavy sleeper & if a guy I'm with initiates sex, I'll usually submit even if I'm asleep. The ex told me I pushed him away a few times but I don't remember that. I don't recall it being during the 15 months of misery but if it was, I guess that should have been my first clue.
Funny thing is we were sleeping in the same bed up until the very end though after the blowup it was an unspoken "this is my side, that's yours & never shall the two meet" (jerkoff tried to violate that & I fought to keep him away from my turf or taking my part of the blankets; even asleep, we were in conflict). I started not being able to sleep too well, especially when the "let's get separated" boom was dropped. I think the first time I was able to sleep properly was when I got to my semi-permanent housing situation.
My therapist said the new people in my life have shown me more kindness than I probably got in my entire marriage.
The irony is just where I've found this kindness; it's been in some very unlikely places, places that I under my normal mindset & circumstances wouldn't have considered. No, didn't find it with racists or some group like that. More like people under categories I had negative assumptions about & made judgment on with regard to how they'd treat me. Not getting the treatment I expected is a bit of a mind blower but maybe I should be used to it. After all, a friend whose advances I rejected in favor of the scummy ex came through at a time when my perception of who he was dictated that he wouldn't. Seems I'll be spending more time re-evaluating things I believed and my perceptions of people.
Remember that sometimes the things you're looking for come from the last place you'd expect to find them. One thing for sure is that I've got tons of inspiration and material for writing and acting; I can definitely get to pain & down times along with serious complexity (though it's not like I had no complexity to me to start with). If I'd stuck to my previous judgments & not taken some leaps of faith, I wouldn't be where I'm at now & wouldn't have some valued folk in my life.
I've definitely come to value a good night's sleep in my private space. You appreciate little things when you've had your routine broken in dramatic fashion. It also feels like coming out into a post-apocalyptic world & looking for fellow survivors to converse with.
I also personally like touch & having a guy hold me or holding him at night. So unless some guy's snoring is unbearable (as in I won't be able to sleep even if I'm wearing ear plugs) or he's one of those punchers/kickers/consistent talkers/drools buckets all over me, I'm not for the separate beds and rooms thing. I feel like it's too puritanical, too 1950s TV show for my taste. I also like the easy access for certain things like sex at odd hours. Plus, if you've had someone you find chemistry with in your bed & you've been in those early stages there's that charge you get from being in the same bed with him/her. I've been in or had guys in my bed & remember feeling so charged I could barely sleep. Didn't even have to do anything; having the guy in my bed or being in his bed was enough for me.
Perhaps I had & maybe still have some romantic notions about things like that. Indulging stuff like that is a plus with me even though I'm still a cynic, can't do commitments or attachment and probably can't fully love anyone. At least as conventional society defines love, there's no way I can do it. I could never fully give up my independence & feel irked already at having given up so much of it for a marriage that was a total sham. I hate "you complete me" and the ex even said to me once after a brutal counseling session "Why can't you turn to me to solve your problems?" Well, excuse me for being a strong, independent woman. It seems like commitments like that require people, especially women, to give up their independent selves & to that I say "why bother?"
God help any guy trying to break my even harder shell of cynicism and refusal to get attached or committed. At least I can tell you precisely why I feel that way.
I have some insight on this since my mother & father did this later on. It was mostly because my mother could no longer tolerate my father's snoring and movement in his sleep. He apparently moved a lot, punching and kicking on occasion. Shockingly, I never saw her get injured from it but long after I was no longer living there she said she'd had enough & decided they needed to be in separate beds.
Plus, my father was working third shift and usually wasn't home to sleep until she had to leave for her day job.
Now I feel like their marriage was not on the best grounds considering he was an abusive alcoholic, an "asshole drunk" as I call it. For me personally, I felt like it just sounded bad all around & the separate beds thing was just icing on the cake.
So, about me: I'm probably the best person to sleep with. I don't mean in terms of sex (though no one's ever complained & I've only gotten praise for THAT, thank you). I mean in the fact that I don't snore (jerky ex claimed I did but only sometimes & not loudly), don't move around, don't talk (and if so, not much), am not a light or super heavy sleeper & if a guy I'm with initiates sex, I'll usually submit even if I'm asleep. The ex told me I pushed him away a few times but I don't remember that. I don't recall it being during the 15 months of misery but if it was, I guess that should have been my first clue.
Funny thing is we were sleeping in the same bed up until the very end though after the blowup it was an unspoken "this is my side, that's yours & never shall the two meet" (jerkoff tried to violate that & I fought to keep him away from my turf or taking my part of the blankets; even asleep, we were in conflict). I started not being able to sleep too well, especially when the "let's get separated" boom was dropped. I think the first time I was able to sleep properly was when I got to my semi-permanent housing situation.
My therapist said the new people in my life have shown me more kindness than I probably got in my entire marriage.
The irony is just where I've found this kindness; it's been in some very unlikely places, places that I under my normal mindset & circumstances wouldn't have considered. No, didn't find it with racists or some group like that. More like people under categories I had negative assumptions about & made judgment on with regard to how they'd treat me. Not getting the treatment I expected is a bit of a mind blower but maybe I should be used to it. After all, a friend whose advances I rejected in favor of the scummy ex came through at a time when my perception of who he was dictated that he wouldn't. Seems I'll be spending more time re-evaluating things I believed and my perceptions of people.
Remember that sometimes the things you're looking for come from the last place you'd expect to find them. One thing for sure is that I've got tons of inspiration and material for writing and acting; I can definitely get to pain & down times along with serious complexity (though it's not like I had no complexity to me to start with). If I'd stuck to my previous judgments & not taken some leaps of faith, I wouldn't be where I'm at now & wouldn't have some valued folk in my life.
I've definitely come to value a good night's sleep in my private space. You appreciate little things when you've had your routine broken in dramatic fashion. It also feels like coming out into a post-apocalyptic world & looking for fellow survivors to converse with.
I also personally like touch & having a guy hold me or holding him at night. So unless some guy's snoring is unbearable (as in I won't be able to sleep even if I'm wearing ear plugs) or he's one of those punchers/kickers/consistent talkers/drools buckets all over me, I'm not for the separate beds and rooms thing. I feel like it's too puritanical, too 1950s TV show for my taste. I also like the easy access for certain things like sex at odd hours. Plus, if you've had someone you find chemistry with in your bed & you've been in those early stages there's that charge you get from being in the same bed with him/her. I've been in or had guys in my bed & remember feeling so charged I could barely sleep. Didn't even have to do anything; having the guy in my bed or being in his bed was enough for me.
Perhaps I had & maybe still have some romantic notions about things like that. Indulging stuff like that is a plus with me even though I'm still a cynic, can't do commitments or attachment and probably can't fully love anyone. At least as conventional society defines love, there's no way I can do it. I could never fully give up my independence & feel irked already at having given up so much of it for a marriage that was a total sham. I hate "you complete me" and the ex even said to me once after a brutal counseling session "Why can't you turn to me to solve your problems?" Well, excuse me for being a strong, independent woman. It seems like commitments like that require people, especially women, to give up their independent selves & to that I say "why bother?"
God help any guy trying to break my even harder shell of cynicism and refusal to get attached or committed. At least I can tell you precisely why I feel that way.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
How Long Do You Get to Live Without Judgment After Tragedy?
Yesterday, a new friend of mine was talking about this. Apparently, they say you get 3 months to be a total asshole without any judgment or condemnation if you lose a parent. This was something he'd heard after his father died (one point of our instant bond; that felt like "hey, you understand something major about me").
With all the shit I've been going through, I figure I should get at least 1 year. I definitely didn't see all this coming. A year ago, I wouldn't have predicted I'd be hanging out with this friend in NYC or that we'd have even crossed paths. Nor did I foresee any of this 6 months ago. No one else I talked to really saw it either. They also expected my jerky ex to exercise a little compassion and flexibility instead of trying to sabotage, be emotionally abusive & make threats at me. One friend even told me he'd never leave me & I'd be the one ending things. I was unhappy but I didn't really end things; I thought there was still a little hope before late January.
Now I just look back & think giving up my independence was completely stupid even though I never did it 100%. Imagine if I had; things would have been far worse for me & it would hurt more. Kicking someone when they're down is plain beastly & scummy.
Watched one of my favorite episodes of South Park recently. Remember the one where we first meet the Goth kids & the Raisins girls? Where Wendy breaks up with Stan and Stan reacts by joining up with the Goth kids? I watched it & saw Stan's reaction to the whole thing. I remember thinking "I don't feel like Stan in the aftermath of being dumped. I don't have the urge to sit & cry someplace or go Goth."
Instead, I feel reborn. Like the whole world is wide open to me in a way that it wasn't when I was living in my old place and in my old life. There's excitement & adventure in this new life; lots of it, really. I've got some great inspiration and stories for writing and acting. I've gotten to broaden my horizons in major ways that I probably wouldn't have if life hadn't intervened. Then there's also being a far stronger person than plenty of people; my mom was telling me today I'm much stronger than to just give up & develop a substance abuse problem or end up being committed to a mental hospital. Probably true; I know I've dealt with far greater adversity and foes than my scummy ex-husband or his equally scummy, fully hypocritical family could even contemplate. Real "pro-family" to condone letting your kid toss his wife out knowing damn well she has no family in the area, no steady paying income & is legally married to him vs. being some live-in he got sick of.
My bullshit tolerance is also even lower, if that's possible. I've got no incentive or stakes to stand for it at this point. It's like being single again but in a more concentrated, direct & cynical way. At least one new friend actually likes my cynicism, though. He even unlocked answers to some questions I'd been wondering about like why the sudden 180 from a guy who supposedly loved me & why I constantly get propositioned/asked out by men.
If my soon to be ex begged me to come back, I wouldn't. For one thing, he crossed the line into unforgivable behavior (at least what I consider unforgivable). I think what is unforgivable or not is generally up to the person but certainly anyone hearing about what this guy did wouldn't want me to let him think any of that was perfectly acceptable or forgivable. It would be a betrayal of myself to allow him back after all that.
Second, I've only been emboldened to be more self-confident & embrace my model self (the 2 things he & his family seemed to hate). If he thought I'd changed at the end of the relationship, well I've changed far more now. I've gotten far better treatment, more love, more respect & more compassion from virtual strangers and my allies/saviors/whatever term you want to use for people helping you in the times I'm dealing with than I did from him at the very end. He seemed to resent the idea that I had human worth & knew my worth. To that, I say "Fuck him."
Third, if you had experienced the adventure and getting to do things I now get to do as a virtual single person, would you go back to your old life? Other than the cats, there's nothing there for me anymore. I've had other cats & eventually one has to move on in life.
As I think about it, there's just no way that could ever be reconciled. I still feel I don't really have to do much to fix his wagon though plenty of people have pointed out that he's a total idiot for crossing an attorney. Whether I get a paycheck from it or not, I still have the skill & license. I also still have the forethought to do things & take care of myself that he never had. If he wasn't living with Mommy & Daddy by Christmas, I'd be shocked. I know no roommate is going to give a shit about his job situation or indulge his bitching while he does nothing to change it.
Just a feeling but I know my life will always be more interesting than his. I've accepted that I now live in a different world & occupy a different, cooler sphere than he or his family does. It's not something I'm ashamed or unhappy about; rather I decided to embrace it. Stealing from me isn't going to change certain truths.
I do seriously wonder how long I get to take a vacation from judgment & condemnation for my actions. There was my father's death, my SIL's death, pending legal stuff, family strife from asserting myself & now this bastard kicking me during all this. I've had to act for mere survival & I think I'm certainly entitled to some creature comforts in this very difficult period. Whatever creature comforts I can get, really.
Not sure I'll ever really get over the anger or sense of betrayal & that truth ensures I need to be alone. I haven't even thought about what I'm doing or where I'll be for holidays; that sort of thing becomes inconsequential to you after going through all this. Even if I'm alone, eating something basic I'll be happy that I'm alive, haven't been taken down by this bastard & still have a support system through it all. My mother called me a phoenix. Perhaps that's true; sometimes I've even counted myself out on things & life intervened to make things better.
I feel like my jerky ex did me a favor by kicking me out & pulling his shit since now I've discovered better things and found people to associate with who aren't losers or limited. I'm also not the only one who feels he's the loser here & threw away a good thing.
Meanwhile, I've just been trying to live as best I can from day to day & not be too hard on myself. After all, I'm in abnormal times & an emotional position I'm not normally in. I don't feel I can be 100% responsible for my actions at this point. Dare to judge me? Go walk in these shoes & see how you'd cope. Maybe you'd be just like my ex, who'd fall apart if he were in my position. Guess the strong, confident & independent types should just stay with those. At least I've gotten more discerning on who I deal with.
With all the shit I've been going through, I figure I should get at least 1 year. I definitely didn't see all this coming. A year ago, I wouldn't have predicted I'd be hanging out with this friend in NYC or that we'd have even crossed paths. Nor did I foresee any of this 6 months ago. No one else I talked to really saw it either. They also expected my jerky ex to exercise a little compassion and flexibility instead of trying to sabotage, be emotionally abusive & make threats at me. One friend even told me he'd never leave me & I'd be the one ending things. I was unhappy but I didn't really end things; I thought there was still a little hope before late January.
Now I just look back & think giving up my independence was completely stupid even though I never did it 100%. Imagine if I had; things would have been far worse for me & it would hurt more. Kicking someone when they're down is plain beastly & scummy.
Watched one of my favorite episodes of South Park recently. Remember the one where we first meet the Goth kids & the Raisins girls? Where Wendy breaks up with Stan and Stan reacts by joining up with the Goth kids? I watched it & saw Stan's reaction to the whole thing. I remember thinking "I don't feel like Stan in the aftermath of being dumped. I don't have the urge to sit & cry someplace or go Goth."
Instead, I feel reborn. Like the whole world is wide open to me in a way that it wasn't when I was living in my old place and in my old life. There's excitement & adventure in this new life; lots of it, really. I've got some great inspiration and stories for writing and acting. I've gotten to broaden my horizons in major ways that I probably wouldn't have if life hadn't intervened. Then there's also being a far stronger person than plenty of people; my mom was telling me today I'm much stronger than to just give up & develop a substance abuse problem or end up being committed to a mental hospital. Probably true; I know I've dealt with far greater adversity and foes than my scummy ex-husband or his equally scummy, fully hypocritical family could even contemplate. Real "pro-family" to condone letting your kid toss his wife out knowing damn well she has no family in the area, no steady paying income & is legally married to him vs. being some live-in he got sick of.
My bullshit tolerance is also even lower, if that's possible. I've got no incentive or stakes to stand for it at this point. It's like being single again but in a more concentrated, direct & cynical way. At least one new friend actually likes my cynicism, though. He even unlocked answers to some questions I'd been wondering about like why the sudden 180 from a guy who supposedly loved me & why I constantly get propositioned/asked out by men.
If my soon to be ex begged me to come back, I wouldn't. For one thing, he crossed the line into unforgivable behavior (at least what I consider unforgivable). I think what is unforgivable or not is generally up to the person but certainly anyone hearing about what this guy did wouldn't want me to let him think any of that was perfectly acceptable or forgivable. It would be a betrayal of myself to allow him back after all that.
Second, I've only been emboldened to be more self-confident & embrace my model self (the 2 things he & his family seemed to hate). If he thought I'd changed at the end of the relationship, well I've changed far more now. I've gotten far better treatment, more love, more respect & more compassion from virtual strangers and my allies/saviors/whatever term you want to use for people helping you in the times I'm dealing with than I did from him at the very end. He seemed to resent the idea that I had human worth & knew my worth. To that, I say "Fuck him."
Third, if you had experienced the adventure and getting to do things I now get to do as a virtual single person, would you go back to your old life? Other than the cats, there's nothing there for me anymore. I've had other cats & eventually one has to move on in life.
As I think about it, there's just no way that could ever be reconciled. I still feel I don't really have to do much to fix his wagon though plenty of people have pointed out that he's a total idiot for crossing an attorney. Whether I get a paycheck from it or not, I still have the skill & license. I also still have the forethought to do things & take care of myself that he never had. If he wasn't living with Mommy & Daddy by Christmas, I'd be shocked. I know no roommate is going to give a shit about his job situation or indulge his bitching while he does nothing to change it.
Just a feeling but I know my life will always be more interesting than his. I've accepted that I now live in a different world & occupy a different, cooler sphere than he or his family does. It's not something I'm ashamed or unhappy about; rather I decided to embrace it. Stealing from me isn't going to change certain truths.
I do seriously wonder how long I get to take a vacation from judgment & condemnation for my actions. There was my father's death, my SIL's death, pending legal stuff, family strife from asserting myself & now this bastard kicking me during all this. I've had to act for mere survival & I think I'm certainly entitled to some creature comforts in this very difficult period. Whatever creature comforts I can get, really.
Not sure I'll ever really get over the anger or sense of betrayal & that truth ensures I need to be alone. I haven't even thought about what I'm doing or where I'll be for holidays; that sort of thing becomes inconsequential to you after going through all this. Even if I'm alone, eating something basic I'll be happy that I'm alive, haven't been taken down by this bastard & still have a support system through it all. My mother called me a phoenix. Perhaps that's true; sometimes I've even counted myself out on things & life intervened to make things better.
I feel like my jerky ex did me a favor by kicking me out & pulling his shit since now I've discovered better things and found people to associate with who aren't losers or limited. I'm also not the only one who feels he's the loser here & threw away a good thing.
Meanwhile, I've just been trying to live as best I can from day to day & not be too hard on myself. After all, I'm in abnormal times & an emotional position I'm not normally in. I don't feel I can be 100% responsible for my actions at this point. Dare to judge me? Go walk in these shoes & see how you'd cope. Maybe you'd be just like my ex, who'd fall apart if he were in my position. Guess the strong, confident & independent types should just stay with those. At least I've gotten more discerning on who I deal with.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Sex With Girls on "That Time of the Month"
So that's a topic I have some opinions on but hadn't really expressed before. I've also gotten some interesting observations & heard fun tales about it.
It seems men fall into 3 different categories when you ask them about their willingness to have sex with a girl on her period:
1. The "Ewww, you're bleeding! Get away from me!" crowd
2. The "I'll have sex with you but I'm not doing oral." folk
3. The "I don't care!" crowd who'll proudly perform oral on the girl without even thinking twice & brag about it to others later
Until more recently, I also though that whatever category a particular man fell into was set in stone & no way were you getting him to change his mind or be flexible on that (specifically referring to guys in the first 2 categories).
Most of the men I've met & dated fell into category #2; they generally weren't upset by the bleeding but wouldn't put their mouths there. Now personally, I'm okay with that. If guys bled every month (or thereabouts) I don't think I'D want to go down on one if he was bleeding there. If you disagree, you're not a very nice woman & you are in serious denial about how bad that time of the month can get.
Personally, it's kind of a deal breaker of mine for some guy to treat me like I've got the plague if I'm on that time of the month.
First off, I've had to deal with it a LOT longer than you (so has every other woman) & it's not like the guy's normally sleeping with a girl for every single day she's on that time of the month. If he had to deal with more than 3 days in the average 5-7 day cycle, that's a woman getting laid a lot more than I did when I've had it. Consider that some of us get stomach cramps & don't feel like doing much of anything on those days except downing some hard core medicine that will effectively make us functional despite the cramps. Personally, that's about 2 days of my cycle.
Second, you'd better be happy that woman's on her period since that means she isn't pregnant. It also means she's not anorexic or severely stressed out from some major life upheaval.
Third, if you really don't want to deal with a woman having her period I suggest you either start sleeping with post-menopausal women (and don't laugh since I met a guy who fell into category #3 whose dream was to become a gigolo to older ladies) or you can become a criminal & sleep with little girls, most likely encountering some angry relative who chops your dick off for molesting one or more of those little girls. And yes, you will likely be forced to sleep with little girls since due to hormones in food & everything girls start getting their periods much earlier. I got mine when I was 12. I've heard today the average start age is like 9.
In that lens, some woman being on her time of the month doesn't sound so bad does it?
Finally, I think guys who freak out about that are kind of wussy. I never actually dated or had a sexual relationship with anyone who gave a damn about it. Sorry, I'm used to a standard. Plus, I'm a natural redhead & natural redheads get away with so much more. The grooming standards & plenty of other stuff gets exempted if you're a natural redhead. No one really expects me to make the first move or get a Brazilian wax; the guys who do are morons I don't waste my time with & fit into maybe a 5% category (10% if you feel generous).
My instinct in hearing some guy falls into category #1 is "grow the fuck up!" You want us to be on board with lesbianism but you freak out over having sex with us when we're on that time of the month?!?! I think lesbianism for a straight woman is far more "too up close & personal" than a straight guy having sex with a straight woman on her period. Yet it seems those guys don't get it.
And then I met a category #1 guy who actually did the deed with a girl on her period. That fascinated me so I had to ask "why?" He said it was because he wasn't dating the girl & she was a sex buddy.
So, we'll break our preference on this for sex buddies? Okay, got it. I'm not sure it ever came up with the one in college. I just remember being involved in this conversation with sorority sisters & guys from a fraternity at GA Tech where we knew the members. I don't think I even brought it up; my sorority sisters & I were (and probably still are) some crass ladies. A lot of us were the type of women you could have tons of crazy conversations with & not get embarrassed. We even once had an unintentional porn night & it was more of an intellectual exercise than some male fantasy come to life. For the record, there was one guy in that conversation who fell into category #1 & we totally reamed him out (but in a less mean way) for it.
Any guy hanging around that scene would have been disappointed, though probably trying to initiate stuff with one or more of us. You can't watch porn with your straight male friends as an intellectual exercise unless you're okay with them trying to sleep with you (at least I can't).
Category #3 guys seem to be a lot more rare. I've only met 2 in my entire life, though maybe I hang around the wrong circles. Perhaps I don't know enough really freaky people & if I hung out in those circles more, maybe I'd meet more of those guys. For me it's like, "That's nice. If you want to taste that stuff, okay but I think it's kind of gross & it's coming out of me."
It's weird but this is not one of those things I tend to ask about early on, mostly because there isn't a really polite or clever way you can ask without it sounding gross. Maybe I should, though. Or find out if maybe this flexibility can happen if you're a redhead. After all, I apparently just show up & some guys will immediately approach me. Why can't it ever be one I find intoxicatingly attractive? Eh, pretty people problems. I'll shut up now.
It seems men fall into 3 different categories when you ask them about their willingness to have sex with a girl on her period:
1. The "Ewww, you're bleeding! Get away from me!" crowd
2. The "I'll have sex with you but I'm not doing oral." folk
3. The "I don't care!" crowd who'll proudly perform oral on the girl without even thinking twice & brag about it to others later
Until more recently, I also though that whatever category a particular man fell into was set in stone & no way were you getting him to change his mind or be flexible on that (specifically referring to guys in the first 2 categories).
Most of the men I've met & dated fell into category #2; they generally weren't upset by the bleeding but wouldn't put their mouths there. Now personally, I'm okay with that. If guys bled every month (or thereabouts) I don't think I'D want to go down on one if he was bleeding there. If you disagree, you're not a very nice woman & you are in serious denial about how bad that time of the month can get.
Personally, it's kind of a deal breaker of mine for some guy to treat me like I've got the plague if I'm on that time of the month.
First off, I've had to deal with it a LOT longer than you (so has every other woman) & it's not like the guy's normally sleeping with a girl for every single day she's on that time of the month. If he had to deal with more than 3 days in the average 5-7 day cycle, that's a woman getting laid a lot more than I did when I've had it. Consider that some of us get stomach cramps & don't feel like doing much of anything on those days except downing some hard core medicine that will effectively make us functional despite the cramps. Personally, that's about 2 days of my cycle.
Second, you'd better be happy that woman's on her period since that means she isn't pregnant. It also means she's not anorexic or severely stressed out from some major life upheaval.
Third, if you really don't want to deal with a woman having her period I suggest you either start sleeping with post-menopausal women (and don't laugh since I met a guy who fell into category #3 whose dream was to become a gigolo to older ladies) or you can become a criminal & sleep with little girls, most likely encountering some angry relative who chops your dick off for molesting one or more of those little girls. And yes, you will likely be forced to sleep with little girls since due to hormones in food & everything girls start getting their periods much earlier. I got mine when I was 12. I've heard today the average start age is like 9.
In that lens, some woman being on her time of the month doesn't sound so bad does it?
Finally, I think guys who freak out about that are kind of wussy. I never actually dated or had a sexual relationship with anyone who gave a damn about it. Sorry, I'm used to a standard. Plus, I'm a natural redhead & natural redheads get away with so much more. The grooming standards & plenty of other stuff gets exempted if you're a natural redhead. No one really expects me to make the first move or get a Brazilian wax; the guys who do are morons I don't waste my time with & fit into maybe a 5% category (10% if you feel generous).
My instinct in hearing some guy falls into category #1 is "grow the fuck up!" You want us to be on board with lesbianism but you freak out over having sex with us when we're on that time of the month?!?! I think lesbianism for a straight woman is far more "too up close & personal" than a straight guy having sex with a straight woman on her period. Yet it seems those guys don't get it.
And then I met a category #1 guy who actually did the deed with a girl on her period. That fascinated me so I had to ask "why?" He said it was because he wasn't dating the girl & she was a sex buddy.
So, we'll break our preference on this for sex buddies? Okay, got it. I'm not sure it ever came up with the one in college. I just remember being involved in this conversation with sorority sisters & guys from a fraternity at GA Tech where we knew the members. I don't think I even brought it up; my sorority sisters & I were (and probably still are) some crass ladies. A lot of us were the type of women you could have tons of crazy conversations with & not get embarrassed. We even once had an unintentional porn night & it was more of an intellectual exercise than some male fantasy come to life. For the record, there was one guy in that conversation who fell into category #1 & we totally reamed him out (but in a less mean way) for it.
Any guy hanging around that scene would have been disappointed, though probably trying to initiate stuff with one or more of us. You can't watch porn with your straight male friends as an intellectual exercise unless you're okay with them trying to sleep with you (at least I can't).
Category #3 guys seem to be a lot more rare. I've only met 2 in my entire life, though maybe I hang around the wrong circles. Perhaps I don't know enough really freaky people & if I hung out in those circles more, maybe I'd meet more of those guys. For me it's like, "That's nice. If you want to taste that stuff, okay but I think it's kind of gross & it's coming out of me."
It's weird but this is not one of those things I tend to ask about early on, mostly because there isn't a really polite or clever way you can ask without it sounding gross. Maybe I should, though. Or find out if maybe this flexibility can happen if you're a redhead. After all, I apparently just show up & some guys will immediately approach me. Why can't it ever be one I find intoxicatingly attractive? Eh, pretty people problems. I'll shut up now.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Some Publicity For Me
My feature in Look was published last week. If you're a reader in the UK or somehow have access to Look (since it IS a fashion magazine that was mentioned in Absolutely Fabulous, which is how I'd heard of it), you can find the story I'm in if you happened to see last week's issue.
If you didn't, I'll send you the article if you ask nicely & genuinely care vs. being a nosy looky loo who needs to get a life STAT. It's about my experience being childfree & why, in retrospect, getting my tubes tied might be one of the smartest things I did. At least now that I'm ending a marriage, there will be no fights over children & no children to suffer emotional harm at any time in my life. I'm also glad my estranged spouse didn't get to teach children that it was okay to treat a woman like shit & that anyone not making a paycheck is a subhuman not worthy of basic human rights.
I also did my latest review for Woman Around Town, which you can read here.
Still on the go with career stuff and everything. Dealing with this transition and haven't looked back, though it's not an easy situation for anyone to go through. The freedom is nice. I was out in this one restaurant by myself & was thrilled that the chips and salsa were MINE exclusively. No one else got to have them & seeing this one couple nearby didn't make me miss the jerk; in fact, it made me happy to be free. I think you'd feel that way as well if you were me.
If you didn't, I'll send you the article if you ask nicely & genuinely care vs. being a nosy looky loo who needs to get a life STAT. It's about my experience being childfree & why, in retrospect, getting my tubes tied might be one of the smartest things I did. At least now that I'm ending a marriage, there will be no fights over children & no children to suffer emotional harm at any time in my life. I'm also glad my estranged spouse didn't get to teach children that it was okay to treat a woman like shit & that anyone not making a paycheck is a subhuman not worthy of basic human rights.
I also did my latest review for Woman Around Town, which you can read here.
Still on the go with career stuff and everything. Dealing with this transition and haven't looked back, though it's not an easy situation for anyone to go through. The freedom is nice. I was out in this one restaurant by myself & was thrilled that the chips and salsa were MINE exclusively. No one else got to have them & seeing this one couple nearby didn't make me miss the jerk; in fact, it made me happy to be free. I think you'd feel that way as well if you were me.
Dating Shorter Guys: My Take
Read this Cracked article & realized I should speak on this. Don't think I've talked about it & I've got some stories.
Now I never dated guys shorter than me. I'm 5'6 so I wouldn't be dating someone whose eye line comes right to my chest. That would be really creepy considering I'm not the average model's height or anything super tall (though it would make modeling so much easier if I were). Those guys should be dating women like my sister, who's about 5'1/5'2. She's short, especially compared to me. I got the looks & she'd even tell you that herself. She got other stuff like being more sociable, a maternal instinct & a much more caring nature.
The guys I'm speaking of were my height or damn close. The soon to be ex is 5'7 & Vampire Boy was 5'6.
I'm here to tell you there are some serious advantages sexually to dating a guy the same height as you. For one thing, you will never strain your neck to kiss that guy. Corona Boy was TALL & I remember killing my neck trying to kiss him. Not fun.
You can also do any sexual position you want with a guy the same height as you. My sister's first husband was over 6 feet tall. There were things they couldn't do physically b/c of the height difference (or at least if they did, I have no clue how that happened; I've never asked her about it & she didn't share that though keep in mind women share a LOT about sex with you men--if you do something odd or have some unusual attribute, we're probably going to tell our friends/sisters/other females we develop rapport with). I never had that issue when I was having sex with guys I dated who were my height. I even had sex with Vampire Boy in the front passenger seat of his car without having any problems at all; he never complained & maybe it's not true for everyone but if I'm not comfortable (physically or mentally), it's a HUGE distraction. If you're physically comfy, chances are the guy who's your height will be as well.
Let's just say there's a closeness you can have with a guy whose height is the same as yours that you can't get if there's too much of a difference. If you experienced it yourself, you know what I mean.
I guess I could mention a third benefit that I never really planned for: you can push around a guy who's the same height as you more easily. It's not like he's got as much of a size advantage against you. My sister even claimed I only dated guys the same height as me so I could push them around. I'm sure friends of mine would contend that I could push around any guy I wanted to no matter what physical size difference he had over me.
To be honest, the height thing was a total coincidence. I mostly had guys choose me instead of me choosing them. I've not had to chase or pursue anyone so it's not in my nature to do it. That chasing men thing skipped me & went to my sister instead; I just find it undignified + don't care enough about any particular guy to "chase" him. I figure if he doesn't see my awesomeness or want me as I am, then fuck him. There's plenty of other guys out there & it's not like I've had a shortage of suitors. Even when I was married, I was getting propositions though didn't pursue them since I felt it would be wrong to do so.
Oh, and height is not an absolute criterion for size. A guy told me & some other girls in college that it was a factor but in my experience, that wasn't a perfect formula considering Corona Boy was horribly small (his having no skill made things even worse). Maybe you won't get porn actor with some shorter guy but that doesn't mean you're getting freakishly small either. I'll say that I wasn't unhappy & leave it at that (though my big thing is technique; if a guy doesn't have any technique or that technique just sucks, that's unacceptable for me).
Law school sometimes felt like the land of men with Napoleon complexes. I'm sure women extensively dating attorneys would have far more to say about that & more of a base there than me but I have definitely seen some of that in my experiences. I actually avoided dating attorneys or law students since I didn't want to deal with some guy who wouldn't get my circumstances or where I came from (the specter of the Napoleon complex also factored in); explained this recently to my law school friend who'd have been thrilled if I had submitted to his advances instead of staying loyal to the jerky soon to be ex. Is it sad that part of me wishes I'd seized that day? Maybe if I'd known this was coming, I might have.
But then again, I never stayed friends with guys I did such things with & they all ended up hurting me in the end. I was certain this guy would have proven me right & it would have harmed my career. I wouldn't even have the friendship & I actually value that since few people have made me feel like I mattered and that I wasn't an intrusion on them.
So I think there's a lot to be said for the height advantages of dating someone who matches yours & no, getting to push the guy around isn't my reason for saying that. Only an idiot wouldn't be at least a little afraid of me or think that I'm capable of killing him in his sleep if he really angered me enough & I had nothing going for me in my life, height be damned.
Would I pick a guy of my height today? Not sure considering the 2 guys who hurt me most were right near my height. It might not be a factor but I think it's time to look at guys who don't fit my classic tropes & the height thing is one of those common patterns. Being named Eric, Matt or Joseph is also not going to work since I had bad experiences with those guys & it became another joke with my family with respect to my dating life. I think having my estranged husband's name wouldn't work either though my sister's former FIL had an ex wife and a future second wife with the same name. We joked that he did that so he wouldn't say the wrong name in bed.
At the end of the day, you really have to go with character and so forth but if you haven't dated a guy your height it's something you have to do at least once if you can feel some sparks (even if it's just sexual).
I've got another post in me to write but you're only getting this one for now. Don't worry, though; it's definitely coming though will be a little gross to some people.
Now I never dated guys shorter than me. I'm 5'6 so I wouldn't be dating someone whose eye line comes right to my chest. That would be really creepy considering I'm not the average model's height or anything super tall (though it would make modeling so much easier if I were). Those guys should be dating women like my sister, who's about 5'1/5'2. She's short, especially compared to me. I got the looks & she'd even tell you that herself. She got other stuff like being more sociable, a maternal instinct & a much more caring nature.
The guys I'm speaking of were my height or damn close. The soon to be ex is 5'7 & Vampire Boy was 5'6.
I'm here to tell you there are some serious advantages sexually to dating a guy the same height as you. For one thing, you will never strain your neck to kiss that guy. Corona Boy was TALL & I remember killing my neck trying to kiss him. Not fun.
You can also do any sexual position you want with a guy the same height as you. My sister's first husband was over 6 feet tall. There were things they couldn't do physically b/c of the height difference (or at least if they did, I have no clue how that happened; I've never asked her about it & she didn't share that though keep in mind women share a LOT about sex with you men--if you do something odd or have some unusual attribute, we're probably going to tell our friends/sisters/other females we develop rapport with). I never had that issue when I was having sex with guys I dated who were my height. I even had sex with Vampire Boy in the front passenger seat of his car without having any problems at all; he never complained & maybe it's not true for everyone but if I'm not comfortable (physically or mentally), it's a HUGE distraction. If you're physically comfy, chances are the guy who's your height will be as well.
Let's just say there's a closeness you can have with a guy whose height is the same as yours that you can't get if there's too much of a difference. If you experienced it yourself, you know what I mean.
I guess I could mention a third benefit that I never really planned for: you can push around a guy who's the same height as you more easily. It's not like he's got as much of a size advantage against you. My sister even claimed I only dated guys the same height as me so I could push them around. I'm sure friends of mine would contend that I could push around any guy I wanted to no matter what physical size difference he had over me.
To be honest, the height thing was a total coincidence. I mostly had guys choose me instead of me choosing them. I've not had to chase or pursue anyone so it's not in my nature to do it. That chasing men thing skipped me & went to my sister instead; I just find it undignified + don't care enough about any particular guy to "chase" him. I figure if he doesn't see my awesomeness or want me as I am, then fuck him. There's plenty of other guys out there & it's not like I've had a shortage of suitors. Even when I was married, I was getting propositions though didn't pursue them since I felt it would be wrong to do so.
Oh, and height is not an absolute criterion for size. A guy told me & some other girls in college that it was a factor but in my experience, that wasn't a perfect formula considering Corona Boy was horribly small (his having no skill made things even worse). Maybe you won't get porn actor with some shorter guy but that doesn't mean you're getting freakishly small either. I'll say that I wasn't unhappy & leave it at that (though my big thing is technique; if a guy doesn't have any technique or that technique just sucks, that's unacceptable for me).
Law school sometimes felt like the land of men with Napoleon complexes. I'm sure women extensively dating attorneys would have far more to say about that & more of a base there than me but I have definitely seen some of that in my experiences. I actually avoided dating attorneys or law students since I didn't want to deal with some guy who wouldn't get my circumstances or where I came from (the specter of the Napoleon complex also factored in); explained this recently to my law school friend who'd have been thrilled if I had submitted to his advances instead of staying loyal to the jerky soon to be ex. Is it sad that part of me wishes I'd seized that day? Maybe if I'd known this was coming, I might have.
But then again, I never stayed friends with guys I did such things with & they all ended up hurting me in the end. I was certain this guy would have proven me right & it would have harmed my career. I wouldn't even have the friendship & I actually value that since few people have made me feel like I mattered and that I wasn't an intrusion on them.
So I think there's a lot to be said for the height advantages of dating someone who matches yours & no, getting to push the guy around isn't my reason for saying that. Only an idiot wouldn't be at least a little afraid of me or think that I'm capable of killing him in his sleep if he really angered me enough & I had nothing going for me in my life, height be damned.
Would I pick a guy of my height today? Not sure considering the 2 guys who hurt me most were right near my height. It might not be a factor but I think it's time to look at guys who don't fit my classic tropes & the height thing is one of those common patterns. Being named Eric, Matt or Joseph is also not going to work since I had bad experiences with those guys & it became another joke with my family with respect to my dating life. I think having my estranged husband's name wouldn't work either though my sister's former FIL had an ex wife and a future second wife with the same name. We joked that he did that so he wouldn't say the wrong name in bed.
At the end of the day, you really have to go with character and so forth but if you haven't dated a guy your height it's something you have to do at least once if you can feel some sparks (even if it's just sexual).
I've got another post in me to write but you're only getting this one for now. Don't worry, though; it's definitely coming though will be a little gross to some people.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Progress & The Start of My New Life
My acting reel is ready to be seen. Go here to check it out: http://angryredheadedlawyer.mixform.com/videos
I actually did watch it & was impressed. I didn't even cringe at myself on film, which is an accomplishment for me. Did that on a particularly bad day in my life so I had a lot of tragic stuff to draw from in doing that particular scene. You have to check out the guy who did it; he is awesome & was actually right near where I used to live.
Embarking on what my mother referred to as my "gypsy existence." Her term, not mine & remember this is NOT a blog catering to the PC crowd. Whatever your offense or conflict with that term, I'm not using it to be nasty or offensive deliberately. I'm using it as akin to "nomad" or "girl without a country," which I sort of am at this point.
Getting more into a routine & so far, I'm doing just fine. Most of us are used to a particular routine & when you've done things for a long time, it can get hard to deal with the shock and adjustment. If you can, though, you'll be just fine. These times sort of remind me of my first days in Connecticut or my first days moving out of my ex-boyfriend's condo in Atlanta. There's a ton you have to do & you know things have to get done but you're in a serious "hurry up & wait," especially if you moved in on a weekend or during a holiday when places are closed or people aren't around. This marks the third time I've done this in my life so I can recognize a few patterns & signs here. Guess in some ways I'm like other actors & performers I know who go on little adventures, end up in a new place and just end up getting housing, food & the like based on their charm, luck and simple determination. Maybe they've also got that special serendipity going for them like I do; trust me, I have it since you don't get the stories I've got without having some kind of good force around you. Who else gets some of the opportunities & what not that I've gotten, even where I sometimes put in zero effort?
Should you find yourself in these circumstances (and I definitely didn't expect to find myself in them 7 years ago or even 2 years ago), you have to remember that you're entering the unknown. You are literally at a point where things aren't settled, you're dealing with fewer resources than you had before & things as you knew them before are over. You can't be spending your time in the past but have to look to the future. You aren't looking at what was; you have to look at future, possibility & what could be. Sometimes, it's frustrating and you miss things you had before.
One thing I can say about going into a new life is that you'll have no shortage of adventures. If you're the adventurous type & don't mind new experiences, you'll be just fine. This is the time to embrace your spirit of adventure, notice signs, open your mind and your brain to new perspectives, new ways of doing things, new people, change, etc. Maybe that was part of my problem in the past; I wasn't around the kind of guy who embraced change or adventure. I also think we can get too used to a routine or stuck in our ways, which isn't a good thing in my book.
One movie I love (and I warn you, it's a chick film) is Mermaids, partly b/c Cher's character is a woman who never stays in the same place for very long. I thought that kind of life would be cool; maybe not if it was your mother making you move & you didn't get a say on where you were going but if YOU got to be the captain of your own ship & make your own decisions on that stuff while having the financial means to do it, I think it could rock. I've not gotten to travel & when this all settles, I get my own place and situation set up, I fully intend to take a vacation for myself. Got a few ideas on places to go where I'm sure friends of mine would be okay with housing me for at least a couple days & not killing me in the process. We're talking friends who've been my allies in all this & made me feel better about all this as well as reminding me of just who I am in case I got bogged down & forgot. I totally expect friends to hold me accountable here & say "Stop feeling sorry for yourself; you're a strong person," if necessary. They should also know, in case they don't, that they're within their rights to slap me if they see me doing something unhealthy & not acting like the person they know.
Go through this or some other personal tragedy & you'll find out who those friends are real quick. Sometimes your real friends aren't who you think they are. People you figured would run like hell from you stick around even when you're looking, feeling & being pretty terrible while your BFFs perform vanishing acts Houdini would have been proud of. In some ways, I also feel like Billy Joel must have when he fled from his oppressive record deal in the 70s and worked incognito in a piano bar. There's a reason I feel this way & those of you who have been in my situation probably understand why.
If you're going to embark on this sort of thing, you have to be very organized, not overly attached to particular creature comforts (you come to appreciate things a lot more when you have to live on a thread budget; forget shoestring), a steward at finances (since you've got to save money when you're doing this lifestyle) & be able to see some upsides in life so you don't start feeling suicidal if you ended up in this against your own accord. If you're the type who couldn't be "a subsistence farmer," you'll fail at this. Just a simple fact. I'd call someone like that "spoiled," "privileged" and not someone I'd have much respect for.
Is it judgey for me to say that? If it is, I really don't care. If I ever have the wherewithal to commit to anyone again (and that's a huge "if" since I don't think I'll ever be able to do that unless maybe I lost my mind or possibilities vanished for me), I'm sure not taking up with any guy who's never had to take care of himself or done what I'm doing now. The guy who hasn't would never be able to relate to me & I'd just think he was too pampered and spoiled to be able to respect or handle me. Plus, there's the whole further negative association that guy would have to overcome & not sure that is even possible in my case. Some guy trying to change my mind would have to be a serious masochist.
Oh, yeah if you feel so inclined here's the link to the GoFundMe campaign: http://www.gofundme.com/6rn6s8
If you have negative remarks, I challenge you to deal with this situation yourself with the resources available to me. I'll bet you'd crack like an egg if you had to go through it. Those haters would probably give someone the satisfaction of their suicide or giving up on things.
I actually did watch it & was impressed. I didn't even cringe at myself on film, which is an accomplishment for me. Did that on a particularly bad day in my life so I had a lot of tragic stuff to draw from in doing that particular scene. You have to check out the guy who did it; he is awesome & was actually right near where I used to live.
Embarking on what my mother referred to as my "gypsy existence." Her term, not mine & remember this is NOT a blog catering to the PC crowd. Whatever your offense or conflict with that term, I'm not using it to be nasty or offensive deliberately. I'm using it as akin to "nomad" or "girl without a country," which I sort of am at this point.
Getting more into a routine & so far, I'm doing just fine. Most of us are used to a particular routine & when you've done things for a long time, it can get hard to deal with the shock and adjustment. If you can, though, you'll be just fine. These times sort of remind me of my first days in Connecticut or my first days moving out of my ex-boyfriend's condo in Atlanta. There's a ton you have to do & you know things have to get done but you're in a serious "hurry up & wait," especially if you moved in on a weekend or during a holiday when places are closed or people aren't around. This marks the third time I've done this in my life so I can recognize a few patterns & signs here. Guess in some ways I'm like other actors & performers I know who go on little adventures, end up in a new place and just end up getting housing, food & the like based on their charm, luck and simple determination. Maybe they've also got that special serendipity going for them like I do; trust me, I have it since you don't get the stories I've got without having some kind of good force around you. Who else gets some of the opportunities & what not that I've gotten, even where I sometimes put in zero effort?
Should you find yourself in these circumstances (and I definitely didn't expect to find myself in them 7 years ago or even 2 years ago), you have to remember that you're entering the unknown. You are literally at a point where things aren't settled, you're dealing with fewer resources than you had before & things as you knew them before are over. You can't be spending your time in the past but have to look to the future. You aren't looking at what was; you have to look at future, possibility & what could be. Sometimes, it's frustrating and you miss things you had before.
One thing I can say about going into a new life is that you'll have no shortage of adventures. If you're the adventurous type & don't mind new experiences, you'll be just fine. This is the time to embrace your spirit of adventure, notice signs, open your mind and your brain to new perspectives, new ways of doing things, new people, change, etc. Maybe that was part of my problem in the past; I wasn't around the kind of guy who embraced change or adventure. I also think we can get too used to a routine or stuck in our ways, which isn't a good thing in my book.
One movie I love (and I warn you, it's a chick film) is Mermaids, partly b/c Cher's character is a woman who never stays in the same place for very long. I thought that kind of life would be cool; maybe not if it was your mother making you move & you didn't get a say on where you were going but if YOU got to be the captain of your own ship & make your own decisions on that stuff while having the financial means to do it, I think it could rock. I've not gotten to travel & when this all settles, I get my own place and situation set up, I fully intend to take a vacation for myself. Got a few ideas on places to go where I'm sure friends of mine would be okay with housing me for at least a couple days & not killing me in the process. We're talking friends who've been my allies in all this & made me feel better about all this as well as reminding me of just who I am in case I got bogged down & forgot. I totally expect friends to hold me accountable here & say "Stop feeling sorry for yourself; you're a strong person," if necessary. They should also know, in case they don't, that they're within their rights to slap me if they see me doing something unhealthy & not acting like the person they know.
Go through this or some other personal tragedy & you'll find out who those friends are real quick. Sometimes your real friends aren't who you think they are. People you figured would run like hell from you stick around even when you're looking, feeling & being pretty terrible while your BFFs perform vanishing acts Houdini would have been proud of. In some ways, I also feel like Billy Joel must have when he fled from his oppressive record deal in the 70s and worked incognito in a piano bar. There's a reason I feel this way & those of you who have been in my situation probably understand why.
If you're going to embark on this sort of thing, you have to be very organized, not overly attached to particular creature comforts (you come to appreciate things a lot more when you have to live on a thread budget; forget shoestring), a steward at finances (since you've got to save money when you're doing this lifestyle) & be able to see some upsides in life so you don't start feeling suicidal if you ended up in this against your own accord. If you're the type who couldn't be "a subsistence farmer," you'll fail at this. Just a simple fact. I'd call someone like that "spoiled," "privileged" and not someone I'd have much respect for.
Is it judgey for me to say that? If it is, I really don't care. If I ever have the wherewithal to commit to anyone again (and that's a huge "if" since I don't think I'll ever be able to do that unless maybe I lost my mind or possibilities vanished for me), I'm sure not taking up with any guy who's never had to take care of himself or done what I'm doing now. The guy who hasn't would never be able to relate to me & I'd just think he was too pampered and spoiled to be able to respect or handle me. Plus, there's the whole further negative association that guy would have to overcome & not sure that is even possible in my case. Some guy trying to change my mind would have to be a serious masochist.
Oh, yeah if you feel so inclined here's the link to the GoFundMe campaign: http://www.gofundme.com/6rn6s8
If you have negative remarks, I challenge you to deal with this situation yourself with the resources available to me. I'll bet you'd crack like an egg if you had to go through it. Those haters would probably give someone the satisfaction of their suicide or giving up on things.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
When a Relationship Dies: That Limbo Between Separation and the Finalized Divorce
Have had so much going on lately but just so you haters know, whether you like it or not, you aren't keeping me down. This is nothing compared to the crap I went through before. I'll also challenge any one of you to be in my shoes & see how you manage. One friend told me recently that 9 out of 10 people in my position would have crumbled; I haven't. I also refuse to give certain assholes the satisfaction of any failure or suicide on my part.
Did you ever wake up to find out everything you thought you knew was a total lie? That's what the end of a marriage feels like, especially if you're on the receiving end of "we should get separated."
Due to the pathetic who can't just get a life & because life is far too short to be around anyone who's going to drag you down, I'm not going to get into specifics publicly but let's just say mine's not all that great though it could be much worse. For instance, at least I don't have kids. There may not be a time I've been happier to be childfree & having had a tubal ligation than this one. No kid should have to see what I've seen or go through a divorce. Just like every other relationship I ever had, the end of this one has broken down and gotten ugly.
One can also rest easy in the fact that businesses providing personal services are very familiar with folks getting separated & don't give you issues on splitting the billing and such. I've also found in talking to people that lots of them are either getting divorced themselves, recently got divorced or have been divorced before. I feel like there should be some sort of club or maybe a support group for divorced people. Does that exist, I wonder?
When I heard the words "it's time to get separated" and being told to leave b/c of my income status, my life felt like a movie someone had pressed the Pause button on. You'd better hope if you're on the receiving end that you can be resourceful, have some friends who care & the slightest bit of optimism. I at least have housing to stay in & won't become homeless.
Again, no one & nothing will be knocking me down especially someone who is far less resourceful, emotionally strong or self-sufficient. That's the attitude you have to have if you're going through a divorce; you can't let others win & no matter how much you want to, you have to accept the reality of the situation and move onward. You be a "young heart" running free, okay?
I feel like the men in our family seem to think that because my father is dead, they can treat us like shit & get zero repercussions. Infuriates me but I'll give one of them credit for not finding the things I'm going through remotely acceptable.
Shortly after getting that bombshell dropped on me, I went out to an event & then was going to meet a friend concerning a potential housing prospect. On the way to catch my train, had a guy near my age hit on me in the subway station. I even got his phone number. I took that as a sign this divorce is the right move for me at this stage of life. Let's face facts: if your spouse views you as a financial burden, defines your worth as a human being based on the size of the paycheck you bring home & declares you are lazy when you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing to win at your career and in life in general while that spouse isn't doing those things (despite being proven wrong by every single successful person & advice website/resource out there), then you are in a bad marriage. That's a "what's the point of being married" type marriage. That's a "life is too short; get the hell out of there" situation. That's an abusive spouse.
Sorry, folks but money doesn't rule my world. It's not the be all, end all for me. There are far more important things to me & if more people got that lesson, the world would be a better place. I value things like friendship, family, integrity, loyalty, self-worth, dignity far more than money. You can't take money with you when you die. Money isn't going to love you or give you emotional support. Losing money isn't nearly as bad as losing your loved ones. I speak from experience here; just ask my mother if she'd rather have money or my father. She herself said she'd much rather have her husband back, despite him having many flaws.
Go talk to all those rich people who are miserable despite never having to worry about finances. There are some & one thing I have learned in my life is the presence of money doesn't = a problem free life. Sometimes, having money means you have more problems since then you have to wonder if people actually like you for yourself or your money. I feel like I'm viewed as a failed meal ticket while I still have total faith in what I do & know with every fiber of my being that I'm the real deal. Some very successful people in the entertainment industry are flat broke, in fact or were after getting mainstream success so further confirmation of my point.
It's kind of funny that I'm about to do what I had planned to do 10 years ago if I hadn't gotten into law school. I was going to move to NYC with $10,000, my car, a few possessions and survive by my wits. Think Nomi Malone in Showgirls after the guy steals her suitcase and she's stuck in the parking lot of the casino with no money. She lucks into getting a place & doesn't do too badly for herself. Not that I'd end up becoming a stripper or a showgirl (especially at this point) but that wasn't someone who sat back and became a victim; she took control of her life & didn't take shit from anyone.
You only get one life & I've always believed in taking risks if your status quo is making you miserable to the point that bad things are going to happen if you don't fix it soon. Death touching me has made me even more adventurous & less amenable to taking shit from others. I also have some inspiring people around me who lift me up, encourage me & would tell me to go for things instead of hiding like a turtle in its shell. Finally, we have to own our own lives. YOU are the one who's going to be miserable if you don't make changes & no one wants to hear you bitch about how bad you've got it when you're taking zero steps to improve things for yourself.
If I've changed, I think it's a change for the better. Anyone who cares about you should want you to have more self-confidence, more belief in yourself & think better of who you are. Modeling has been a help to me & doing shows as well as interacting with that community is one of the things that's kept me going.
So, how do you know when a relationship is dead? I think you know when the other person no longer regards you as a human being, respects your feelings or bothers to listen to what you have to say. I think it's also over if there's only one adult around & if they aren't thinking in terms of "we" but in terms of "me." When it's not "us against the world" but "me against him/her & the world."
Oh, and never, ever stay with someone who puts you last no matter what. No spouse should be putting their family ahead of the other spouse unless that spouse was making up something horrible about a relative like accusing someone of child molestation or rape & there being 100% definitive objective proof (not a lie detector test or the relative's word) that the relative didn't do it. Does anyone have in-laws who aren't total beasts? I'd like to meet that fortunate soul. That reality is a big reason I believe family is what you create, not what you're born into.
Now I've had the marital relationship fail me. At this point, no way would I get married again unless maybe it was an open marriage. I can't do commitment or attachments since it's like I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop & to get betrayed once again. I sure won't be giving up my independence & the next guy will most likely have to sign a pre-nup.
Is it just me, by the way, or did some of you ladies end up in this situation and find potential suitors line up for you? Just curious. I'd figure this would be the last moment any guy would want to try stepping up to me (particularly if he didn't know me before or harbor some eons old crush; I'm speaking of total strangers here). I'm in an even more bitter & cynical state than I was when I was single. The best you can hope for is me going back to the cynicism & jaded detachment I had when I was single. Yeah, I may be hot & all that but I figure hot can only take you so far. Eventually, you have to talk to a divorced person & I'm familiar with the "bitter divorced guy" trope. I dated a divorced guy in college; he was 14 years older than me. It wasn't a bad relationship but it was a Mr. Right Now thing.
That's where my mind is now. I figure Mr. Right is dead & I ended up with an emotionally abusive person in his place.
If you feel some sympathy or aren't a total douche, you can contribute to a GoFundMe campaign I created as one part of dealing with all this. Link available if you ask nicely.
Did you ever wake up to find out everything you thought you knew was a total lie? That's what the end of a marriage feels like, especially if you're on the receiving end of "we should get separated."
Due to the pathetic who can't just get a life & because life is far too short to be around anyone who's going to drag you down, I'm not going to get into specifics publicly but let's just say mine's not all that great though it could be much worse. For instance, at least I don't have kids. There may not be a time I've been happier to be childfree & having had a tubal ligation than this one. No kid should have to see what I've seen or go through a divorce. Just like every other relationship I ever had, the end of this one has broken down and gotten ugly.
One can also rest easy in the fact that businesses providing personal services are very familiar with folks getting separated & don't give you issues on splitting the billing and such. I've also found in talking to people that lots of them are either getting divorced themselves, recently got divorced or have been divorced before. I feel like there should be some sort of club or maybe a support group for divorced people. Does that exist, I wonder?
When I heard the words "it's time to get separated" and being told to leave b/c of my income status, my life felt like a movie someone had pressed the Pause button on. You'd better hope if you're on the receiving end that you can be resourceful, have some friends who care & the slightest bit of optimism. I at least have housing to stay in & won't become homeless.
Again, no one & nothing will be knocking me down especially someone who is far less resourceful, emotionally strong or self-sufficient. That's the attitude you have to have if you're going through a divorce; you can't let others win & no matter how much you want to, you have to accept the reality of the situation and move onward. You be a "young heart" running free, okay?
I feel like the men in our family seem to think that because my father is dead, they can treat us like shit & get zero repercussions. Infuriates me but I'll give one of them credit for not finding the things I'm going through remotely acceptable.
Shortly after getting that bombshell dropped on me, I went out to an event & then was going to meet a friend concerning a potential housing prospect. On the way to catch my train, had a guy near my age hit on me in the subway station. I even got his phone number. I took that as a sign this divorce is the right move for me at this stage of life. Let's face facts: if your spouse views you as a financial burden, defines your worth as a human being based on the size of the paycheck you bring home & declares you are lazy when you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing to win at your career and in life in general while that spouse isn't doing those things (despite being proven wrong by every single successful person & advice website/resource out there), then you are in a bad marriage. That's a "what's the point of being married" type marriage. That's a "life is too short; get the hell out of there" situation. That's an abusive spouse.
Sorry, folks but money doesn't rule my world. It's not the be all, end all for me. There are far more important things to me & if more people got that lesson, the world would be a better place. I value things like friendship, family, integrity, loyalty, self-worth, dignity far more than money. You can't take money with you when you die. Money isn't going to love you or give you emotional support. Losing money isn't nearly as bad as losing your loved ones. I speak from experience here; just ask my mother if she'd rather have money or my father. She herself said she'd much rather have her husband back, despite him having many flaws.
Go talk to all those rich people who are miserable despite never having to worry about finances. There are some & one thing I have learned in my life is the presence of money doesn't = a problem free life. Sometimes, having money means you have more problems since then you have to wonder if people actually like you for yourself or your money. I feel like I'm viewed as a failed meal ticket while I still have total faith in what I do & know with every fiber of my being that I'm the real deal. Some very successful people in the entertainment industry are flat broke, in fact or were after getting mainstream success so further confirmation of my point.
It's kind of funny that I'm about to do what I had planned to do 10 years ago if I hadn't gotten into law school. I was going to move to NYC with $10,000, my car, a few possessions and survive by my wits. Think Nomi Malone in Showgirls after the guy steals her suitcase and she's stuck in the parking lot of the casino with no money. She lucks into getting a place & doesn't do too badly for herself. Not that I'd end up becoming a stripper or a showgirl (especially at this point) but that wasn't someone who sat back and became a victim; she took control of her life & didn't take shit from anyone.
You only get one life & I've always believed in taking risks if your status quo is making you miserable to the point that bad things are going to happen if you don't fix it soon. Death touching me has made me even more adventurous & less amenable to taking shit from others. I also have some inspiring people around me who lift me up, encourage me & would tell me to go for things instead of hiding like a turtle in its shell. Finally, we have to own our own lives. YOU are the one who's going to be miserable if you don't make changes & no one wants to hear you bitch about how bad you've got it when you're taking zero steps to improve things for yourself.
If I've changed, I think it's a change for the better. Anyone who cares about you should want you to have more self-confidence, more belief in yourself & think better of who you are. Modeling has been a help to me & doing shows as well as interacting with that community is one of the things that's kept me going.
So, how do you know when a relationship is dead? I think you know when the other person no longer regards you as a human being, respects your feelings or bothers to listen to what you have to say. I think it's also over if there's only one adult around & if they aren't thinking in terms of "we" but in terms of "me." When it's not "us against the world" but "me against him/her & the world."
Oh, and never, ever stay with someone who puts you last no matter what. No spouse should be putting their family ahead of the other spouse unless that spouse was making up something horrible about a relative like accusing someone of child molestation or rape & there being 100% definitive objective proof (not a lie detector test or the relative's word) that the relative didn't do it. Does anyone have in-laws who aren't total beasts? I'd like to meet that fortunate soul. That reality is a big reason I believe family is what you create, not what you're born into.
Now I've had the marital relationship fail me. At this point, no way would I get married again unless maybe it was an open marriage. I can't do commitment or attachments since it's like I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop & to get betrayed once again. I sure won't be giving up my independence & the next guy will most likely have to sign a pre-nup.
Is it just me, by the way, or did some of you ladies end up in this situation and find potential suitors line up for you? Just curious. I'd figure this would be the last moment any guy would want to try stepping up to me (particularly if he didn't know me before or harbor some eons old crush; I'm speaking of total strangers here). I'm in an even more bitter & cynical state than I was when I was single. The best you can hope for is me going back to the cynicism & jaded detachment I had when I was single. Yeah, I may be hot & all that but I figure hot can only take you so far. Eventually, you have to talk to a divorced person & I'm familiar with the "bitter divorced guy" trope. I dated a divorced guy in college; he was 14 years older than me. It wasn't a bad relationship but it was a Mr. Right Now thing.
That's where my mind is now. I figure Mr. Right is dead & I ended up with an emotionally abusive person in his place.
If you feel some sympathy or aren't a total douche, you can contribute to a GoFundMe campaign I created as one part of dealing with all this. Link available if you ask nicely.
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