Does "The Scarlet M" Exist?

You may notice there's not been a new post lately. Well, one big reason for that is a very nasty divorce. Kind of hard to be yourself when your ex is trying to engage in character assassination against you. Never mind the fact that the motherfucker knew all about this character when he married you, took wedding vows, agreed to set up a life with you, that kind of thing. For someone to claim you deceived them after being in a long time relationship with you when you always stayed yourself & you have a hair color that shouts "I am different from everybody else!" is absurd in my book. Thankfully, plenty of rational people agree with me. I have found some of those rational people in the fashion world.

Not sure if this is just a trait of me or if this is something applying to all natural redheads or all smart people but I'm the sort of person that if you tell me not to do something or try to discourage me from it, I'm going to make it my mission in life to do it more just to piss you off. I also never do anything in life half-assed; if it's worth doing, you do it right & do it well or you don't do it at all.

Since my ex & his horrible family tried sabotaging my career six ways to Sunday & then some, it's my goal to land some job where I end up in a huge national ad or billboard in Times Square so that loser is forced to see me. He'll be forced to confront the fact that he threw me away, treated me like garbage & he so fucking lost out. Have I won? I don't know; I like to hope I've won by being a human being who didn't kill herself or let that piece of garbage take away everything she worked for. People hear about the circumstances & keep telling me I'm strong. One friend even told another, newer friend that he respected me. I'd like to hope he respects me for going through all this & not doing what most people would have in my shoes. I could have easily become a hopeless drug or alcohol addict, gone back to Mama's house, murdered my ex or menaced him in some fashion (which he totally deserves but I'd prefer a more random misfortune like an anvil falling from the sky & hitting him in the head like in a Looney Tunes cartoon).

In recent times, I've been doing more modeling & found my profile increasing in that world. These days, I've gone places & people who didn't know I was a model thought I was one. When I've gone to casting calls, people took one look at me & assumed I was a model. Seems I'm carrying that model swagger more than I did when I started out. The model hat seems to be really fitting me well at the moment & I figure so long as that ride is going, I may as well hang on, enjoy the ride and keep taking opportunities as I get them. I've started meeting more models & seeing the same ladies more often at various events and shows. That's sort of a plus in my view since you can build your camaraderie & your network in that way. People are also starting to see where I'm going and how modeling fits in with what my role in the legal world always was. Stupid The Angry Redheaded Lawyer is not. This model stuff is also a fine distraction from things along with the ultimate act of feminism in my book. But more on that soon.

One of the observations I've seen in modeling is a lot of people outside this world don't get it. A model friend told me recently she'd wanted to give up modeling for fear of what I call "the scarlet M." She'd been told by an industry colleague that as long as she was modeling, she'd never have a serious relationship with anyone (including her present guy).

Having seen this with my ex-husband, I told her that modeling or not was a choice she should be making on her own & for herself. We're talking about someone over 18, after all. It's one thing to say you don't want to be a model b/c you're sick of wearing the heels or the hustle & bustle of it is getting to you or you don't like the world or the people as a whole. It's another to have family members, significant others or anyone else try to shame you or guilt you out of doing it. I lived having people not support me in my modeling career & simply didn't feel she ought to be making a choice like that based on what she thought some guy would want or how he might perceive her. I told her about my own experiences & that frankly, any guy who wouldn't give you a serious relationship or stand by you in something you love is a guy not worth having in your life. That is a guy who doesn't deserve you or respect you. That's someone trying to sabotage you, steal your soul, basically deny you of who you are & your potential. No one should have that kind of power over anyone, be it a spouse, parent, grandparent, lover, whoever.

Now I don't think this colleague was trying to be nasty in saying that. It's no secret that lots of people don't respect modeling or the fashion industry as a whole. If you asked lots of people's significant others, I'm sure they'd be secretly thrilled if their loved one left the fashion industry. Some of them just might have more tact & respect to directly tell the person that. Or they're also married to people with the stubbornness of natural redheads & know their spouse will do what they want to no matter what they say since some of us won't be in marriages where we're treated like 5 year olds. Whether you should tell people that or not at random is a whole other discussion but I felt it my duty to give some advice as a woman of the world who'd been there & is now far better off not letting her spouse steal her bliss or her identity. Nobody deserves the stuff I've had to deal with.

I think there's a scarlet M in other ways, such as hate from other women who aren't models or pretty enough to even be considered models if they wanted to (and not just larger women since there are plus sized models & I've met them in my travels; we aren't talking Hollywood "plus sized" either). I'm sure if you started out doing this without building your education or getting a professional license like I did you'd also have problems with people taking you seriously as a capable, intelligent person. I can also see guys just assuming models are good for a roll in the hay but not to take home to Mama.

Since I'm crawling out of limbo & completely fearful of getting hurt again, I could care less if a guy perceives me as one to get into a serious relationship with. I'm too "been there, done that" to be worried about getting married like the average girl who'd never been married would be, especially if she's pushing 30+. I'm also too tough & direct to tolerate being treated like some side chick or secondary when I'm from the tradition of manners and natural redheads tend to engender obsession in guys they get involved with. We're rare, we have some superhuman aspects about us (science even says so; go look it up) & we're far more interesting; it's us & then there's everyone else. We're the natural divas & most of us know it (especially those of us who are models); we just try not to be assholes about it.

The upside of making mistakes is you hopefully learn from them & shut down familiar bullshit quicker and quicker. Once you get punched from that particular angle or you recognize a particular look before someone punches you, no one has to tell you twice to avoid the inevitable since you'll see the punch coming before it happens.

I may have even finally found my tribe in that world. Back in the day, I thought my tribe was the goth/geek culture. Until I started modeling, I never felt I fully fit into the cheerleader/model/sorority/"pretty" girl archetype (this despite being a founding member of a sorority chapter; we identified ourselves as being the antithesis of the typical sorority girl image). I loved getting to be a cheerleader last Halloween since it was the prime symbol of what I'd felt for years I wasn't worthy of being & it felt fitting to do that after everything that happened the year before. It was like "I am worthy of this now & I will rock it." I did.

Now why do I view modeling as the ultimate act of feminism?

1. No slut shaming. As I said when I started out 2 years ago, no one's going to tell you "that's too short" or criticize you or a designer for his/her outfit being too showy. That'd likely be fighting words.
2. If you're doing it right, you are going out on the runway as a confident, bold woman. Confidence, boldness and bravery (since going out like that requires not being afraid to go out in public and put yourself on display) are the ultimate feminist traits. How do you think rights for women happened? Women had to go seek them out & demand them, despite men trying to hold them back and keep them down. They still have to do that today.
3. You are going out as a proud woman. Feminism is about being proud of being a woman, not trying to be a guy (in my book, at least). It's about celebrating & respecting women, which is what we do with models. We celebrate their beauty & as proper guests, respect them & the designers for their craft. A real fashion show isn't filled with people catcalling and trashing the models.
4. Finally, it was patriarchy that told women to cover up. Men in the Christian church and elsewhere are the ones that have been telling women sex was evil and they should be ashamed for centuries. It's men who've told women to cover up in modern times & shaped society to function that way. Violating the patriarchy & defying men is most certainly a feminist thing to do.

For my own part, I consider it an act of rebellion since my ex and his patriarchy supporting relatives were down on me modeling & having that pride in who I am or how I look (which is completely natural). I've always been in favor of rebelling against nonsense & that's probably a big reason I'm an attorney. I also feel if my religious conservative mother & sister respect me modeling and support me in it, no one else gets to tell me not to or bash me for it. I'll just view them as being jealous assholes who wouldn't last a second there; as I stated before, a LOT harder than it looks. Having evil forces in your life stressing you out & trying to sabotage you makes it even harder.

Whether I end up getting serious with anyone again or not, I don't think me modeling is going to make a difference there. At this point it's "I do this so you'll take me as I am or I don't want you to have me at all." That's with everything, in fact. My life is too short & my time is too precious to settle for anything less. I wish all people viewed themselves that way. It would solve a lot of problems & prevent some bad marriages.

When a Relationship Dies: That Limbo Between Separation and the Finalized Divorce

Have had so much going on lately but just so you haters know, whether you like it or not, you aren't keeping me down. This is nothing compared to the crap I went through before. I'll also challenge any one of you to be in my shoes & see how you manage. One friend told me recently that 9 out of 10 people in my position would have crumbled; I haven't. I also refuse to give certain assholes the satisfaction of any failure or suicide on my part.

Did you ever wake up to find out everything you thought you knew was a total lie? That's what the end of a marriage feels like, especially if you're on the receiving end of "we should get separated."

Due to the pathetic who can't just get a life & because life is far too short to be around anyone who's going to drag you down, I'm not going to get into specifics publicly but let's just say mine's not all that great though it could be much worse. For instance, at least I don't have kids. There may not be a time I've been happier to be childfree & having had a tubal ligation than this one. No kid should have to see what I've seen or go through a divorce. Just like every other relationship I ever had, the end of this one has broken down and gotten ugly.

One can also rest easy in the fact that businesses providing personal services are very familiar with folks getting separated & don't give you issues on splitting the billing and such. I've also found in talking to people that lots of them are either getting divorced themselves, recently got divorced or have been divorced before. I feel like there should be some sort of club or maybe a support group for divorced people. Does that exist, I wonder?

When I heard the words "it's time to get separated" and being told to leave b/c of my income status, my life felt like a movie someone had pressed the Pause button on. You'd better hope if you're on the receiving end that you can be resourceful, have some friends who care & the slightest bit of optimism. I at least have housing to stay in & won't become homeless.

Again, no one & nothing will be knocking me down especially someone who is far less resourceful, emotionally strong or self-sufficient. That's the attitude you have to have if you're going through a divorce; you can't let others win & no matter how much you want to, you have to accept the reality of the situation and move onward. You be a "young heart" running free, okay?

I feel like the men in our family seem to think that because my father is dead, they can treat us like shit & get zero repercussions. Infuriates me but I'll give one of them credit for not finding the things I'm going through remotely acceptable.

Shortly after getting that bombshell dropped on me, I went out to an event & then was going to meet a friend concerning a potential housing prospect. On the way to catch my train, had a guy near my age hit on me in the subway station. I even got his phone number. I took that as a sign this divorce is the right move for me at this stage of life. Let's face facts: if your spouse views you as a financial burden, defines your worth as a human being based on the size of the paycheck you bring home & declares you are lazy when you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing to win at your career and in life in general while that spouse isn't doing those things (despite being proven wrong by every single successful person & advice website/resource out there), then you are in a bad marriage. That's a "what's the point of being married" type marriage. That's a "life is too short; get the hell out of there" situation. That's an abusive spouse.

Sorry, folks but money doesn't rule my world. It's not the be all, end all for me. There are far more important things to me & if more people got that lesson, the world would be a better place. I value things like friendship, family, integrity, loyalty, self-worth, dignity far more than money. You can't take money with you when you die. Money isn't going to love you or give you emotional support. Losing money isn't nearly as bad as losing your loved ones. I speak from experience here; just ask my mother if she'd rather have money or my father. She herself said she'd much rather have her husband back, despite him having many flaws.

Go talk to all those rich people who are miserable despite never having to worry about finances. There are some & one thing I have learned in my life is the presence of money doesn't = a problem free life. Sometimes, having money means you have more problems since then you have to wonder if people actually like you for yourself or your money. I feel like I'm viewed as a failed meal ticket while I still have total faith in what I do & know with every fiber of my being that I'm the real deal. Some very successful people in the entertainment industry are flat broke, in fact or were after getting mainstream success so further confirmation of my point.

It's kind of funny that I'm about to do what I had planned to do 10 years ago if I hadn't gotten into law school. I was going to move to NYC with $10,000, my car, a few possessions and survive by my wits. Think Nomi Malone in Showgirls after the guy steals her suitcase and she's stuck in the parking lot of the casino with no money. She lucks into getting a place & doesn't do too badly for herself. Not that I'd end up becoming a stripper or a showgirl (especially at this point) but that wasn't someone who sat back and became a victim; she took control of her life & didn't take shit from anyone.

You only get one life & I've always believed in taking risks if your status quo is making you miserable to the point that bad things are going to happen if you don't fix it soon. Death touching me has made me even more adventurous & less amenable to taking shit from others. I also have some inspiring people around me who lift me up, encourage me & would tell me to go for things instead of hiding like a turtle in its shell. Finally, we have to own our own lives. YOU are the one who's going to be miserable if you don't make changes & no one wants to hear you bitch about how bad you've got it when you're taking zero steps to improve things for yourself.

If I've changed, I think it's a change for the better. Anyone who cares about you should want you to have more self-confidence, more belief in yourself & think better of who you are. Modeling has been a help to me & doing shows as well as interacting with that community is one of the things that's kept me going.

So, how do you know when a relationship is dead? I think you know when the other person no longer regards you as a human being, respects your feelings or bothers to listen to what you have to say. I think it's also over if there's only one adult around & if they aren't thinking in terms of "we" but in terms of "me." When it's not "us against the world" but "me against him/her & the world."

Oh, and never, ever stay with someone who puts you last no matter what. No spouse should be putting their family ahead of the other spouse unless that spouse was making up something horrible about a relative like accusing someone of child molestation or rape & there being 100% definitive objective proof (not a lie detector test or the relative's word) that the relative didn't do it. Does anyone have in-laws who aren't total beasts? I'd like to meet that fortunate soul. That reality is a big reason I believe family is what you create, not what you're born into.

Now I've had the marital relationship fail me. At this point, no way would I get married again unless maybe it was an open marriage. I can't do commitment or attachments since it's like I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop & to get betrayed once again. I sure won't be giving up my independence & the next guy will most likely have to sign a pre-nup.

Is it just me, by the way, or did some of you ladies end up in this situation and find potential suitors line up for you? Just curious. I'd figure this would be the last moment any guy would want to try stepping up to me (particularly if he didn't know me before or harbor some eons old crush; I'm speaking of total strangers here). I'm in an even more bitter & cynical state than I was when I was single. The best you can hope for is me going back to the cynicism & jaded detachment I had when I was single. Yeah, I may be hot & all that but I figure hot can only take you so far. Eventually, you have to talk to a divorced person & I'm familiar with the "bitter divorced guy" trope. I dated a divorced guy in college; he was 14 years older than me. It wasn't a bad relationship but it was a Mr. Right Now thing.

That's where my mind is now. I figure Mr. Right is dead & I ended up with an emotionally abusive person in his place.

If you feel some sympathy or aren't a total douche, you can contribute to a GoFundMe campaign I created as one part of dealing with all this. Link available if you ask nicely.

"Passion First" vs. "Money First" People & Things You Don't Say to Creative People

It feels like there's two different mindsets among people in life. There are the people who are first motivated by passion and then there are the ones who are first motivated by money. It's the type of thing that leads to huge conflicts, especially when you deal with creative people.

Living in both of these worlds, I have no idea how we can distinguish why particular people have this mindset. I do have my theories on the "money first" types, though. First off, not seen those people confront death in their immediate family at an early age. I became more motivated to follow my passion when my brother in law died suddenly at 21 when I was 22 and trying to get accepted to law school somewhere outside the Southeast.

Second, I haven't seen those people really have a passion for anything. You get a sense that they're just going to slug it out at any old job paying enough for their purposes, have no real enjoyment in anything & then die sooner or later. For me, that's depressing as hell. At least do something you like, even if it's in your spare time.

Third, the true "money first" types are more than happy to tell the "passion first" people to try shoehorning themselves into holes that simply do not fit them for whatever reason. I have had to confront this in my own home, which no one should have to deal with.

Finally, the "money first" types hate their lives & what they do. Perhaps they recognize the bleakness of their own existence that I mentioned. Unfortunately, I've seen quite a few operating under the old "misery loves company" umbrella & try taking everyone around them down with them. It's these types I have been excising from my life since that shit doesn't work in modeling, where I plan to utilize as many opportunities as I can get.

Dealing with a lot of personal issues lately. At least I did find out my immediate family is still with me but I'm not so sure my husband is truly with me. He makes me wonder at times, especially with certain comments I've gotten recently. For instance, he apparently thinks I sit on my ass & do nothing all day since I don't have some full time job that provides me with a W-2. I look at opportunities & take advantage of networking while he outright told me "networking is a waste of time" and refuses to do it. My husband is a bit of a misanthrope; he'd even admit it to you. He's not the type to go to fashion events, while that's totally my thing. In some ways, I missed out on things since I lived in NC and never got to do entertainment stuff until I graduated from law school and moved to NYC.

I could deal with his having different interests from me and having other friends. That's fine and I think that's healthier. We don't need to be attached at the hip; no couple should aspire to that. Just remember that if you get married, your spouse's problems become your problems. I had no clue just how much this was the case until my husband became outright despondent over his job situation & started taking it out on me. It seems he falls in the "money first" crowd while I'm part of the "passion first" crowd.

I wasn't actually part of the "passion first" crowd until later on in my life. I think maybe it started with my brother in law's death or when I learned there was such a thing as entertainment law. Yeah, I think it was when I learned there was such a thing as entertainment law. I knew I would never be happy in the average law firm setting and had no desire to kill myself to be number one in my law school class. I also knew the power of relationships and "you can't take it with you" with my brother in law's passing and watching my sister's reaction to it while trying to take care of their son by herself. I vowed that if I ever found a love of my life (which I felt didn't exist), I wasn't going to let some law firm break up my relationship. I figured once I found the love of my life, it was going to be a set "forever & ever" thing. Who likes dealing with divorce & all the mess of break-ups?

But when you're dealing with 2 different mindsets and 2 different levels of ambition, you're going to have serious problems. As an older, wiser person I have to say don't marry someone who doesn't have some ambition unless you lack it yourself. I'm hyper-ambitious so being around people who aren't drives me crazy. Ambition seems to be one of those things like financial attitudes: they say if you're a saver, don't marry a spendthrift & vice versa.

My husband is from a "money first" family so I feel some concern that this attitude has rubbed off on him way too much for me. My family has its own flaws but no one ever told me I couldn't bother having dreams, ambition or sights outside my hometown. Eventually, they stopped having any moments of doubt in me when I said I was going to do something. I have continued on my not seeing people in my husband's family since their comments to him since I refuse to go anyplace where I am not welcome & have yet to receive an apology from anyone. What's the point in that? None of these people are co-workers, pay my salary or are sharing public transit with me. To my mind that means there's no point in putting up with their bullshit or disrespect. We'll see how my husband handles this & if he respects what I told him long ago about how I would not put up with abuse from in-laws (it was a chief reason I refused to get married).

Call me jaded, an old soul in a young body, whatever but I'm done putting up with people or situations in my personal life that I don't have to (and family is not a "have to" thing in my book since I am not raising children; even if I were, I think we should teach children not to put up with emotional abuse or rudeness from people who are supposedly there for you all the time & your #1 cheerleaders). I'd rather be done with that relationship and emotional tie than deal with negative feelings and situations arising from certain people. Common parlance would call this "cutting toxicity out of your life." That shit is toxic to an entertainment career as well & I know it would mess me up in other ways. Goes back to the wanting people around me who are going to bring out my best, not my worst.

So you "money first" types can have more peaceful relations with the "passion first" camp, here are things you shouldn't be saying/doing to those people if you want to actually be in their lives:

1. Implying that their careers are invalid because they aren't earning a paycheck for it. I've done quite a bit that means far more than a paycheck & has boosted my industry reputation.
2. Asking when they're going to "get a real job."
3. Assuming that if they are at home, they don't actually do anything. I'll have you know that I spend most of my days on the computer following up on messages, networking, reading up on current events, writing, looking for paying work, updating my social media (since if you're going to have fan pages & a website, you have to update those on occasion), doing legal work, organizing my e-mail/files/etc. Then there are those domestic tasks I'm asked to do like dishes, paying bills, feeding cats, moving the car, figuring out dinner, etc.
4. Equating being at home with being a leech. A leech is someone who does NOTHING; a leech doesn't network or go to events or try to stay current on anything. Vacation is a concept unheard of to the self-employed & definitely to many creatives.
5. Calling them lazy or unambitious (implying it also counts). Let me tell you something: it's damn hard to follow your passion if you work in this business. The majority of people working in this industry take far lower pay in exchange for doing something they love. Serious actors and other creative types constantly spend time on their craft with classes, shows, networking, etc. Ask yourself how much networking YOU have done lately. Let's see how many contacts you've forged.

Oh, and every career advice article out preaches the gospel of networking & tells us that "it's not what you know, it's who you know." The people who have the contacts win out every time.

Let's also not forget the fact that creatives think outside the box & reach out to people in ways you'd never bother with since you're stuck in the conformity box. I, for example, don't go around being needy or trying to impress any potential employer. As far as I'm concerned, you need to be selling me on a job just as much as you expect me to sell to you.

6. Pestering the person because they haven't made money after a certain set time period. Entertainment industry success is a marathon, not a sprint. Tons of major movies took years to get made (for instance, Avatar took 10 years).

No creative I know thinks any of these acts are cool. I know I don't. It just makes me lash out & want to tell you to go fuck yourself. It also leads me to brand you as a jealous hater. Yes, we know the people who do this shit are jealous since they don't have a clue of the big picture & would rather drag us down to their level.

Now I'm not speaking of people who were told by industry pros that they have no skill at something or need to do something & just won't bother. You have to be a little realistic if you're going to work in the creative field & please, have some talent or go develop it. I'm talking about people who have some talent & a track record, who have signs that they should be doing this.

The irony is every single thing I've been doing in recent times circles back to this industry. I even got a recent paid freelance job with someone who works in this industry. If you read all my stories about how this industry comes in even at the most mundane times and when I'm doing something completely unrelated to entertainment, you'd have to notice the obvious and glaring signs in front of you. I already saw them & decided not to ignore it like some would have me do (i.e. people who aren't my friends & who I most likely didn't choose).

We'll see how things go & I did decide to look into marriage counseling (since some of this is being piled on top of all the BS I've already had to deal with in recent months, which I think is a shitty thing to do to someone). However, the old fire is definitely still there & I feel the same as I did in college i.e. NO ONE & NOTHING will stop me from doing what I want to do. I also won't be violating my own principles or things I said I'd never tolerate & that's just the plain truth. My sister decided to look into it to deal with her own marriage & as far as I know, things are okay with her. Therapy is helping me, after all.

Guess Who's Picking Your Nursing Home, Evil Parents?!?!?

It seems like parental relations is one of those universal areas that everyone can relate to. Even if you've never met them or you were adopted, nearly everyone's got some kind of opinion about the people who took care of them in childhood. If no one took care of you? Surely you're pissed at someone for dropping the ball there, right?

But as you might long to meet your biological parents or had to fend for yourself, there's still people who had objectively "good" parents who are miserable.

Take the case of the parent who's too strict. This is the world my sister & I grew up in. My mother, as you should have already read, was MEGA strict. She's also a religious conservative despite other things she has said & done in life. I still haven't asked about that whole sheltering a pedophile thing but man, I've got more ammo to use on her now.

You may recall my mentioning her attitude on children born outside of a marriage (she's so against it that she told me & my sister that the first one of us to have a child that wasn't out of wedlock would get the doll my grandmother had as a girl). You may also remember me talking about my sister being pregnant.

Despite my disagreements with her and having a very different mindset (maybe I'm the Terminator of my family because my mother & sister refuse to debate on issues or stand up for themselves on most things), I do actually speak to her & would care if she lived or died. Seems my mother has been going on her little judgmental digs lately. I don't really get it from her since I think I long since established that I'd cut people off for it but apparently, she felt it was okay to diminish her own grandkids by telling my sister that this baby would be the first she'd have that wasn't out of wedlock & saying it in a judgmental tone.

She's also apparently called my sister a breeder b/c this would be her third kid, claiming this was her fourth pregnancy. Never mind the fact that she lost the second one, her oldest probably wouldn't be alive today if she'd had him in wedlock and that the laws are such that it was more beneficial for her to stay single instead of getting married and impoverishing herself while her intended was not employed.

I also learned that my uncle apparently made such cracks about her kids' origins in front of them. That is totally uncool in my book. Kids remember shit like that. I still remember a long deceased aunt telling me and my sister that she loved us less than our male cousins. That happened over 20 years ago.

My sister apparently asked my mom how our grandmother would be if she were alive today (she died when I was 5 of cancer & I don't have any memories of her being a bitch to me). My mother apparently said that she would have more to say than she would.

Wow!! Way to make me be happy that my grandmother died before she could ever disapprove of us! Way to make me happy she's not around to vote some sexist ticket for the presidency! I wonder how happy she was with her daughter marrying an abusive alcoholic who disrespected her and made her grandkids feel like crap. Under that logic, she'd be calling me a slut and probably evil or a corrupted victim (which would piss me off as I was angry w/my father thinking of us as mindless robots when I was about 10 & felt he was an idiot for not getting that we had minds of our own & could see how he treated our mother, which we didn't approve of).

I also think grandparents tend to dote more on their grandkids & give them more latitude than they would their kids. My husband actually had a great relationship with his grandparents and they were actually the people who cared and supported him on things he wanted to do in life.

I've not heard my mother speak this way in front of me.

Maybe you'd say "That's because you're 'The Angry Redheaded Lawyer'/'The Avenger'."

Perhaps...

Maybe it's also because I've said in no uncertain terms that for instance, being nasty to my non-religious husband or making him feel unwelcome or uncomfortable in any way means you don't get to be in my life.

Maybe it's relevant to my being the highest educated person & not wanting to piss off the only attorney/film executive you're going to have meaningful access to.

I'd grant you all of this. I also stood up for myself a lot in college, even pointing out where my mother wanted to get uppity over my doing the very things she said to do. I'm also the person who told her she wasn't a supportive or comforting parent so she shouldn't be shocked at being the last to know about my sister's first pregnancy.

I was also the one who told my father that he should be glad my sister had a husband who stood up for her when he decided to get in her face & her first husband got in his face. I could see her current husband do the same thing & I would hope that he would as a man. My father ended up agreeing with me after being mad at my sister's first husband.

Let's consider something for a moment: who do you think will be dealing with elder care for these people when they're too old to be self-sufficient? I live hundreds of miles away, work in an industry that doesn't travel so well & have a husband who absolutely wouldn't live in the South. My sister lives a few minutes away.

Give up? My sister. Might be in my mother's best interest not to be a jerk to my sister, don't you think? I might end up making more money but I'm not going to be a physical presence or doing those in-person visits at the same level as my sister.

And people wonder why I'm of the school that family is what you make, not who you're born to along with why being "family" doesn't automatically mean much to me unless you're a sorority sister or part of the One Way family i.e. a member of a family I chose for myself?

My husband, in fact, has joked that he will be sticking his parents in the world's worst nursing home. He may actually do it based on some serious things going on in his past & his mother's behavior in particular. I already told him that I have no say on it because that's his choice. He most likely feels the same about mine. Neither of us was there for childhood with the other's parents so if the one who lived it feels their parents need to suffer for being an ass, then it's not the place of someone who came into the fold as a grownup and much later in life to make those decisions.

Karmic justice. I wonder how many people do this. Ever think that maybe some older people were real jerks to their relatives & that's why they don't visit them at the home? Could be a viable explanation but I can't see that many elderly people being unrepentant scumbags. Then again, it may very well be a case of being on the outside looking in.

As for me & my husband, we intend to have the money for good care later on or be dead first. Not being self-sufficient is, for us, a form of death. I'd rather not be alive if I had no quality of life; husband agrees. Hence, no life support for us.

God, see how stressful it can be to work in this industry? I now have to think about which relationships I'm kicking out of my life due to toxicity. I'll take being alone over being abused; liberation is better than companionship at any cost. There are a great many people in the world and I know you can find some gems if you look hard enough.