The Mystique of Men Has Vanished for Me

When you're young and hormones are running amok, you find whoever you're attracted to fascinating. In my case, it's straight guys. I'm not sure how that works if you're gay but when you're straight, the opposite sex is "other." Their experience is something you're never going to know and it's different from yours, not just physically but mentally. They don't get hassled for their bra sizes or have to worry about bleeding every month or deal with guys hitting on them or parents glaring at old men for checking them out/leering at them. Maybe the definitive way I could tell I was straight was when I was in college, when I gave this guy an intimate massage in a very private area the night before an Applied Calculus exam and felt such a euphoria afterward I ended up getting a good grade on it. Plus, there was Vampire Boy: I distinctly remember early on in that relationship when we'd just started doing the sexy stuff & I thought to myself "I'm definitely 100% straight since I enjoy heterosexual sex way too much." The thoughts in your 20 year old mind when you'd lost your virginity only a year beforehand.

So now I've gone through the cycle of dating, marriage, divorce and phase 1 of recovering from the divorce. I have no clue how many phases recovery has but maybe I'm in phase 2 or even a phase 3. Is Phase 3 where you discover the grass isn't as green as you thought it was and people aren't as happy as you think they are? When you learn relationships aren't what you see in the movies and a lot of guys are really bad at sex?

I went out with a few guys in the past few months only to encounter them having performance issues. One guy was younger than my last boyfriend and had this happen twice. Cute dude, worked in a professional job, had stuff in life, wasn't a selfish bastard on money or treating a girl, seemed interested. Then, no word. I remembered my law school friend telling me that a different guy was likely embarrassed and didn't talk to me again b/c of it as it related to bedroom stuff so I figured it was that. I looked back on other things with those interactions and felt like it wasn't worth my effort to even text "thanks for proving me exactly right." Maybe I really do intimidate guys like others have said?

I also figured the universe was telling me with all these guys falling short to focus on my career as I've gotten busier and more opportunities in things. I also have another vestige from the past falling away & new projects, contacts, so on and so forth. A future focus is not a bad thing. I even followed up with a random stranger who sent me a wonderfully poignant Christmas card but never heard back. She'd had my card and left her number; I Googled trying to remember where I met her but no such luck, though I learned she was indeed legit & had a spirit I'd like for myself but cynicism holds me back in many ways from it.

Another traditional mystique that's vanished for me is marriage since I had that. Divorce sucks, to say the least. If you're still suffering from the effects of it in your day to day life with less income, no space of your own, no means to do the things you'd like to do, or the relationship's ending hasn't been even half as long as the relationship you left, you're not going to want to get married again or jump into instant exclusivity. Dudes are still approaching me from my past or in my present; some guys I'm cool with talking to since I liked them as people and want to know they're doing okay or better than I last saw them. Others are a pesky intrusion.

Word to the wise: if a woman tells you "I have a type," don't ask her what her type is since that statement means you are not her type (at least if I say it). When guys have asked me to spell that out, I do and unabashed; I don't give a damn if they feel offended by it. I've even stated "my vagina isn't a restaurant; I don't have to take all comers. I can discriminate based on race, age, national origin, whatever I want." Some guys will go all used car salesman on you when you tell them your type & how they don't fit it. It's like "Dignity, dude. Get some. Go find a lady who DOES date your type instead of bothering me."

I'm puzzled why certain groups bother me. I'm not some weakling or demure little slave. Do these idiots think a NATURAL REDHEAD is going to do that stuff? Do they just think they can go tame or weaken one? If that convention of black men dating white women b/c white women are "more willing to put up with shit" is true, why the hell would any of them approach a natural redhead?!?!? Natural redheads are territorial, assertive, tough and don't suffer fools. That guy is much better off with a black woman and leaving me alone as I also happen to like my black female friends; I'm not going to rob their dating pool or be some "white bitch" who's stolen one of their men. I wonder the same thing with Indian guys as I'm not going to tolerate that mess & it's a waste of time to think I'm going to ever put up with that. The used car salesman shit doesn't work on me; it just pisses me off. Some of these men need to do some research on natural redheads with regard to personality types since we are a creature all our own.

I do my research on cultural background on guys & won't waste my time on guys from cultures that condone or encourage disrespect of women; sooner or later that culture is going to influence you and your behavior. My demands for politeness and respect and all come from my Southern upbringing. I also have major trust issues and suffered emotional abuse in some form all my life so not reliving that shit, end of story. If I think someone is going to present a high likelihood of me having to relive it, there's no point in my putting in any sort of emotional investment. Would YOU? I won't deal with Southern rednecks for the same reason.

Yeah, I tend to limit my emotional investment in people unless or until I know they can be counted on for the big things. What's really scary is that I had to say the same thing to my law school friend Psycho Boy said to me many years ago: that I don't let anyone in, I will be lonely the rest of my life if I never let anyone in and that I needed to let someone (him, in this case) in. I told my friend "this is not something I should be telling you" since he doesn't have an alcoholic parent and didn't get to see everyone in his gender getting treated like shit when they were "married" like I did. He didn't get dumped all the time like I did & have people lie to him all the time from childhood to today or pretend to be his friend when they were just lying the whole time. He wasn't betrayed by the love of his life like I was (I feel my entire marriage was a lie). I know why I'm emotionally distant & am completely justified in mine, especially now. For me, it's like "you didn't live that so you have no reason for it."

I had to work a long time to not instantly assume friendly people were hiding a sinister agenda against me or that guys were just playing head games when they claimed interest in me. I didn't tell my friend to let ME in but I told him he needed to emotionally invest in someone at some point since he's never going to be able to have a functional marriage if he can't do that. If he did do that, I'd be shocked since something tells me he's never done that & that makes me sad for him. Since I already did that with my ex, I do know that at least I am capable of it even though I may never be able to do that again.

When I told another lawyer friend about this mystique being gone for me, he asked if I'm going to be a lesbian. I'm like "No. That whole tit thing is kind of a turnoff & I like a guy's penis way too much." Plus, I think the straight rolls off me like a stench. Different strokes and all that.

I'm simply holding out for quality and certain standards being met. I figure in the meantime, I'll stick to my own company and have my own fun adventures vs. actively pursuing dudes. Watch me get $ then tell some dudes to fuck off if they act like Johnny Come Lately types. I hate leeches.

When there's no mystique, you get a new insight. You realize guys go through the same shit, they also have insecurity, their lives aren't automatically more exciting than yours, and they have flaws like anyone else. I even told a friend after showing her a pic of my last boyfriend that even a guy who looks like him has flaws. Maybe that's "adulting?"

Sex With Girls on "That Time of the Month"

So that's a topic I have some opinions on but hadn't really expressed before. I've also gotten some interesting observations & heard fun tales about it.

It seems men fall into 3 different categories when you ask them about their willingness to have sex with a girl on her period:

1. The "Ewww, you're bleeding! Get away from me!" crowd
2. The "I'll have sex with you but I'm not doing oral." folk
3. The "I don't care!" crowd who'll proudly perform oral on the girl without even thinking twice & brag about it to others later

Until more recently, I also though that whatever category a particular man fell into was set in stone & no way were you getting him to change his mind or be flexible on that (specifically referring to guys in the first 2 categories).

Most of the men I've met & dated fell into category #2; they generally weren't upset by the bleeding but wouldn't put their mouths there. Now personally, I'm okay with that. If guys bled every month (or thereabouts) I don't think I'D want to go down on one if he was bleeding there. If you disagree, you're not a very nice woman & you are in serious denial about how bad that time of the month can get.

Personally, it's kind of a deal breaker of mine for some guy to treat me like I've got the plague if I'm on that time of the month.

First off, I've had to deal with it a LOT longer than you (so has every other woman) & it's not like the guy's normally sleeping with a girl for every single day she's on that time of the month. If he had to deal with more than 3 days in the average 5-7 day cycle, that's a woman getting laid a lot more than I did when I've had it. Consider that some of us get stomach cramps & don't feel like doing much of anything on those days except downing some hard core medicine that will effectively make us functional despite the cramps. Personally, that's about 2 days of my cycle.

Second, you'd better be happy that woman's on her period since that means she isn't pregnant. It also means she's not anorexic or severely stressed out from some major life upheaval.

Third, if you really don't want to deal with a woman having her period I suggest you either start sleeping with post-menopausal women (and don't laugh since I met a guy who fell into category #3 whose dream was to become a gigolo to older ladies) or you can become a criminal & sleep with little girls, most likely encountering some angry relative who chops your dick off for molesting one or more of those little girls. And yes, you will likely be forced to sleep with little girls since due to hormones in food & everything girls start getting their periods much earlier. I got mine when I was 12. I've heard today the average start age is like 9.

In that lens, some woman being on her time of the month doesn't sound so bad does it?

Finally, I think guys who freak out about that are kind of wussy. I never actually dated or had a sexual relationship with anyone who gave a damn about it. Sorry, I'm used to a standard. Plus, I'm a natural redhead & natural redheads get away with so much more. The grooming standards & plenty of other stuff gets exempted if you're a natural redhead. No one really expects me to make the first move or get a Brazilian wax; the guys who do are morons I don't waste my time with & fit into maybe a 5% category (10% if you feel generous).

My instinct in hearing some guy falls into category #1 is "grow the fuck up!" You want us to be on board with lesbianism but you freak out over having sex with us when we're on that time of the month?!?! I think lesbianism for a straight woman is far more "too up close & personal" than a straight guy having sex with a straight woman on her period. Yet it seems those guys don't get it.

And then I met a category #1 guy who actually did the deed with a girl on her period. That fascinated me so I had to ask "why?" He said it was because he wasn't dating the girl & she was a sex buddy.

So, we'll break our preference on this for sex buddies? Okay, got it. I'm not sure it ever came up with the one in college. I just remember being involved in this conversation with sorority sisters & guys from a fraternity at GA Tech where we knew the members. I don't think I even brought it up; my sorority sisters & I were (and probably still are) some crass ladies. A lot of us were the type of women you could have tons of crazy conversations with & not get embarrassed. We even once had an unintentional porn night & it was more of an intellectual exercise than some male fantasy come to life. For the record, there was one guy in that conversation who fell into category #1 & we totally reamed him out (but in a less mean way) for it.

Any guy hanging around that scene would have been disappointed, though probably trying to initiate stuff with one or more of us. You can't watch porn with your straight male friends as an intellectual exercise unless you're okay with them trying to sleep with you (at least I can't).

Category #3 guys seem to be a lot more rare. I've only met 2 in my entire life, though maybe I hang around the wrong circles. Perhaps I don't know enough really freaky people & if I hung out in those circles more, maybe I'd meet more of those guys. For me it's like, "That's nice. If you want to taste that stuff, okay but I think it's kind of gross & it's coming out of me."

It's weird but this is not one of those things I tend to ask about early on, mostly because there isn't a really polite or clever way you can ask without it sounding gross. Maybe I should, though. Or find out if maybe this flexibility can happen if you're a redhead. After all, I apparently just show up & some guys will immediately approach me. Why can't it ever be one I find intoxicatingly attractive? Eh, pretty people problems. I'll shut up now.

Getting Tattoos & Getting Philosophical

Read this article recently, where an employer apparently encouraged people to get tattoos. Not just any old tattoos, though. They rewarded company branding.

I've written a little about tattoos but not sure I ever really stated when it was a good or bad idea to get one or what types are okay vs. not okay. Here goes:

NEVER get a tattoo of the company you work for if you're not an owner. If you're not the owner, you could very well get fired or quit later on in disgust. The job situation could easily change and you could go from viewing it as a little slice of Heaven to tolerable or in my husband's case, a very nasty form of Hell.

Now you could also lose your business but at least if you're an owner, it probably had more of an impact in your life and might be a reminder to you of something you did well or a mistake you don't want to repeat.

I also never got a tattoo of my sorority letters or the name. If you really want to after you've gotten through the pledge period, I could understand doing that. However, that doesn't mean you can't still get kicked out at some point. Remember, it did happen to that bitch whose father draws Spider-Man.

I have no clue how it works once you've graduated college and are out living in life but I'm sure if someone became the next Casey Anthony or Ted Bundy, a national fraternity or sorority would want to take membership away from that person lest (s)he "damaged the brand" for future potential new members or the members who still had to represent the group in a college setting. No one I know has become notorious so not sure how that works but it's worth asking yourself that question before you consider getting your letters tattooed on yourself.

I guess I've also got an issue with getting something so permanent like a tattoo for something I don't have an ownership stake in. These days, I'm just not motivated to work as hard for anyone besides myself. My closest friends or people I respect would probably be next & then there's everyone else. Considering what I've seen & heard about in the corporate world these days and being who I am, is it any wonder I feel that way? Wouldn't YOU be on the defensive constantly if everyone made you feel like you didn't deserve a fair shot b/c they were jealous of your accomplishments or skills? I responded to one job ad I saw recently & read it to my husband, who said I sounded "angry" in there.

I've gotten that reaction from others when I responded to ads. Gee if you were an out of the box person & had been subjected to the endless parade of bullshit I have, might that make you not have an emotional investment in anyone?

Might that make you conclude that you are going to have to figure out your own hustle since no one who could pay you is actually going to respect or trust you?

So, if you're going to get a tattoo get something that has personal meaning for you. Fuck what anyone else has to say about it!

I also don't like the idea of branding myself with a company or an organization; my own mother says that one job she has only offers advancement if you're willing to get the organization's name tattooed on yourself (figuratively, at least). She says she's not that dedicated to it!

The whole tattoo thing makes me question if more companies are going to demand that next for just getting a job there. If some posters are asking for pictures via LinkedIn profiles and to see all your social media passwords while making you take these fake behavioral assessments, is tattooing the organization's name on your body (or perhaps even on your butt) really that far behind? Plenty of employers already demand employees not to have a private life or a point of view.

I've gotten to that distrustful point when it comes to paying day jobs. You also get a very different perspective of the world when you lose close family members belonging to your generation at a very young age.

That different perspective brings me to some philosophical points.

One thing I've realized recently is that I'm losing my past & maybe it's not such a bad thing. I'm not "the ugly girl" and haven't been considered uncool in ages. I also have people in my life who don't seem like they're going to be jealous of me as I move up in the world. They have their own success & don't seem to begrudge me of having any. I also feel like I can respect those people I have allowed in (which isn't a large number since I've always been a private person; I also freely admit to not being the easiest person to have a friendship with). Sometimes, you also realize that particular people are in your life for a reason.

I feel like I'm going to lose more pieces of my past as time goes on. I found out news about my former friend who showed her ass at my sister's wedding that made me feel perfectly fine with having cut ties. History does not trump survival & being better in your life. You can't keep people around who bring you down, begrudge you of good things or want you to be ashamed of who you are.

At first, I felt kind of bad about it. I'm not in my childhood town or anyplace where I went to school. NYC is where my adult life is; you could probably say my college years is where my life began since that's when I got to choose where I went, my friends, my clothes, who I dated & be my full self. As pieces of my past fall away, it makes life today more cemented & permanent. It also makes regression impossible & me more steadfast about not moving backwards. It's much harder to go backwards if you don't live in your childhood town and your oldest friend from childhood is a distant memory. My former friend might as well be dead with the personality change she's had.

A big concern with doing things is still being the same person I always was; I think I still am. I'm still as much a rabble rouser as I ever was. I'm still unconventional & opening my big mouth when I feel the motivation. No one hearing about stuff I'm doing has ever been shocked by it since I always was a driven, ambitious person who was going to do something significant & unusual. My challenge is going to be figuring out how I can embrace who I am today (particularly with being an industry branded "hottie") without forgetting what it was like to be who I was in the past.

That's something I wonder: How do you let the past fall away enough so you can move on & embrace the success you get in today's time but not lose the values/experiences that make you not be the worst of the "successful" class you now belong to? And is it a bad thing if you let go of some of that past trauma if doing so will make you more successful?

Personally, I don't think this letting go of the past is a bad thing. Some people didn't have great pasts & psychologically, it's probably far better to let it fall away than act like you're still something you aren't.

To end this on a less tragic note, another observation: if you don't have a celibate marriage, don't get a wooden bed frame for your marital bed. I discovered that we may find ourselves with a damaged bed frame in the near future & I have a feeling it's the result of our combined sex drive.

It occurred to me that you don't see beds in college dorms with wooden bed frames. My beds in my dorm rooms didn't have that. Nope, they had metal frames. I figure it's because the people putting in the beds figured sex happens often on college campuses so they may as well be prepared. Otherwise, they'd have to buy new bed frames all the time since students & their sex partners would break them from so much use.

Let's be honest: that's one reason people go to college in the first place, especially if they go to school far away from their parent's house. It's the first time in life you can have sex without worrying about your parents catching you or anything you buy to prepare for it. You can get what you need without them having to go with you or find out (since the college can't talk about such things with your parents due to HIPPA laws; nor can your doctor even if the doctor's their best friend). If you move away from home for this, your parents have to let go and learn to trust you to be an adult; they simply have no choice if your school is lots of hours away & they don't have unlimited money to drop in unannounced. My mother assumed I did all sorts of stuff in college but my life wasn't nearly as exciting as she thought it was. Regardless, I do think getting to have sex without all this parental control & having to hide things from them is probably one motivating factor in going to school far away from one's childhood home.

Maybe if you've got a sex drive, you should get a bed frame with reinforced steel. I don't know.