Sugar Daddies & Sugar Mommies: Would You, Should You & Is There a Sexual Bias Here?

I personally don't like the term "sugar daddy." I prefer the term "benefactor."

For one thing, my father died last year & I only called him "Daddy" when I was a little kid (before all the estrangement stuff). Second, the term "sugar baby" implies you are but an underling in this whole arrangement & are basically some guy or girl's slave or toy with no rights to anything. I think the term "sugar daddy" is just too controlling for my tastes. After all, I am a feminist.

The interesting thing, though, is that I have had men approach me and volunteer to do that. One such man offered shortly after the spiritual end of my marriage. I did nothing special to make this happen; much like in regular dating, I had no particular approach other than being my normal self & sharing my own experience of the utter failure of my marriage. It's something I feel you should tell people since the pain just rolls off some people & I'm sure it's obvious with me. It felt like when it first happened, my stress/trouble/unhappiness and sorrow were just oozing off me. Sometimes we give off an aura & I think my aura was shouting "I'm in pain & I'm in trouble. Won't you help me, please?" It may still shout that, I'm not sure.

That was the first time a guy had EVER done that. This was an older gentleman but not someone completely repulsive. I also feel personality helps; if you aren't a total cretin, it can be okay.

Ultimately, I said "no" since he seemed way too controlling. For one thing, don't you ever try to dictate what I wear. I am the model. I have also been known for being a fashionista since high school, where I could buy my own clothes & had my own distinct style. They didn't give me "Best Dressed" in my high school pageant for nothing. Nor have I gotten compliments on my attire from fashion people while at fashion networking events for no reason.

The irony is I met this guy at a fashion networking event, a magazine launch party. I came in to this event with the same mission as I have at any other event: mingle, give out business cards, get to know people, have some food if it's free or a friend offers me some. Sometimes, you start seeing the same people or you get recognized.

For another, not a good plan to pressure me for exclusivity at any point in time. I wouldn't like that now, either. I've got a nearly 10 year relationship to get over, the offers seem endless & I have an aimless direction in my life now. I have no means of long term plans since I'm just trying to get through the next month. When you have to survive, you can't think that far.

My curse is that men seemingly fall in love with me without my doing much more than being myself. I've had guys get obsessed with me when I was hardly on my best behavior around them; these people definitely saw me at less than my best moments. Yeah, I'm good sexually but I don't know that it warranted some of the crazy shit I've had to deal with.

I also feel that women will get a lot more sympathy in society having a benefactor than a man would, especially if she's going through hard times. I can't imagine anyone blaming me if I took that up considering my ex stole all the money, leaving me having to do what I have to in order to survive b/c I have no family or friends in the area who can help me. Women typically have less money, more sex appeal & everyone's used to this story. It's older than the dawn of time. Famous actresses have often gotten where they are b/c of hooking up with the right rich guy who invested in a movie she wanted so she could star in it (trust me, if you've got an investor with lots of money & he wants his girlfriend in that film the average filmmaker/producer/agent is going to everything they can to get to that money; I heard some stories from the agent I worked with).

But men? I have consistently heard about how my ex really wasn't much of a man considering he bitched about his job all the time, threatened to kill himself on his way to work, did nothing to change his situation and did not give his wife "the good life" or fancy presents. Now I'm not a materialistic person, which was probably not a great idea on my part & I've since decided to consider income and finances of a potential suitor far more than I used to but that is a huge topic in many places. I even read an article today on Slate about how there are few "marriageable men" in America today b/c few have steady jobs. In fact, at least one male friend told me I deserved better & should get the finer things in life.

If my ex could get a sugar mommy, I'm sure he would have & might still do that. I now think he wanted me to do that & got all pissy b/c my career didn't start paying the money he wanted so he could sit on his butt & do nothing. Telling people about this little plan has prompted them to say "He wasn't much of a man or a husband." However, I don't think he's hot or slick enough to get away with some woman financing his life.

I also feel like most men aren't as sympathetic as women, even women who aren't facing homelessness or who've become displaced heiresses (so to speak; I feel that way sometimes). The woman trying to pursue her entertainment career is generally more sympathetic in society than the man doing the same thing. What do we call men doing such things? Gigolos, right?

Men are still expected in some corners to "take care" of women, especially in the Southern tradition I came from. A man being cared for by a woman would have his masculinity questioned & no woman would want that guy trying to leech off her (if she's smart, at least).

If I were stupid enough to even consider an exclusive relationship, much less marriage, I would not want a man leeching off me. He'd have to have his own goals, ambition & a salary suitable to take care of himself. Most men also resent & get pissy toward women who earn more than they do. One of those male pride things, I'm sure much like how they get upset if you tell them some other guy was bigger (especially if you tell him a particular guy was Godzilla's tail & he's not even close to that) or better in bed than he is or than you think he'd be.

Shockingly, I figured I wasn't the sugar daddy type since I'm not a submissive person in life or willing to let anyone dictate to me. How much money you have will never impress me; you have to actually have a personality I like & not piss me off. Am I pretty? Certainly. Would guys with means be interested in doing that? Maybe if they got to know me. Lots of guys like my "spunk" & that I take no shit off anyone. I say the things some women might not & some guy might hate me telling certain truths but I will do it. If some guy with money isn't looking for a mindless little robot or sex doll, he might be really happy with a woman like me.

I also have the whole redhead thing going for me, which a lot of girls don't. I was once told LA was a blonde's town & NYC was a brunette's town. Yeah, I stand out everywhere. I've seen redheads in NYC but no sign of my twin. Redheads also have certain truths about them that a guy is just going to have to deal with. Telling one not to have a temper is like telling the sun not to shine. In particular, telling me not to be competitive in certain ways when it comes to other chicks (or using the phrase "other bitches") is like telling a cat not to meow. That stuff doesn't work; we are like wild horses but you can't tame most of us.

My figuring was if I was going to get a sugar daddy, a few conditions would need to be met:

1. He'd have to be attractive to my eye. A guy I'd date in normal circumstances so no creepy old guys or guys who weren't my type.

2. He'd have to accept me for who I am, not try to mold me into something I'm not.

3. He'd have to respect me. I insist on that from everyone & give as good as I get. Plus, I'm nobody's $2 ho.

4. He'd have to be single or separated. Interesting how we find people in our conditions; I've met quite a few men going through their own marital breakups. There should be a club or something.

Married people who aren't in open relationships verified by wives are trouble; no one needs some bitch calling up & declaring her a homewrecker. A married man doing that to women in my condition is the worst kind of egoist; there are plenty of single women who aren't in hard times & might be perfectly okay with such things or even some other married person in similar circumstances.

5. He couldn't have young children. It's just barbaric to steal food money from kids' mouths. I may be in dire straits but that doesn't mean I have the right to make a child go without. To me, no able bodied adult has the right to do that.

6. He'd have to be someone I could talk to who valued an educated woman. Some guys don't & that simply doesn't work. I've been advised to date on "my level," as in my educational level vs. my financial level. So guys in professions like doctor or financial exec or business exec are more fitting for this.

My attitude is "Nice work if you can get it but don't become someone's robot."

As I've said before, while a person is in survival mode, you have zero right to judge them. Go walk a mile in their shoes or go do something so they don't need a benefactor. If you can't or won't do that, shut the fuck up. Otherwise you are just as bad as a pro-lifer telling a pregnant teenaged girl who's just gotten kicked out of parents' house & is living on the street to go ahead and have the baby while voting to cut welfare + not bothering to help this teenage girl in any fashion. Real nice to preach from up high when YOU aren't personally affected or having to live that life. You just look like an asshole.

I think a woman would be more likely to be forgiven for having had a sugar daddy than a man would be for having a sugar mommy, even if neither of them were in survival mode & merely wanted spa trips and designer stuff vs. getting attorneys, places to live, food, that kind of thing. Any thoughts?