A Basic Lesson in Entertainment Networking with a "Gorgeous" Entertainment Attorney (Or Really, Any Professional)

If you haven't faced this problem as a woman, consider yourself damn lucky or extremely ugly.

What problem am I speaking of? Business networking or attempting to meet people in your industry. This little problem is worse if you're A) society's definition of "smoking hot" and/or B) work in an industry known for its casual, laid back atmosphere such as entertainment.

The entertainment field is one of those places where you either fit in like a glove or you're a square peg in a round hole. One hazard of entertainment, as many of us are certainly aware, is being hit on. Typically this is men hitting on women, particularly attractive women. It's very common for actresses and models but it can also happen if you work in other jobs like as a producer, an assistant and even if you're an entertainment attorney. Women probably do it as well but that's a topic for the straight men and the lesbians to weigh in on; the straight rolls off me like a stench so women don't hit on me.

Now when you're an entertainment attorney & experience this, it's just completely fucked up. I mean, the word "lawyer" inspires shock and terror and respect among many an entertainment professional. They figure the lawyer is going to mess them up in some fashion or destroy their enemies in some epic manner to where they'll think they've been castrated, suffered a massive blow to the head, had an orgasm that blew their brain right out of their head, SOMETHING scary, epic, intense, life changing and usually terrible. Smart people don't fuck around with lawyers or people who have them. Many still tell me that lawyers are a figure that inspire respect, awe and the like among creatives though many distrust and dislike them by the nature of that job. I think many also feel lawyers are cold, don't understand the art/craft part of the industry and will walk right past some shivering, starving family on the street without a wit of concern for their welfare.

When you're an actress/model or work in some other job where being pretty is required, this is simply an occupational hazard. Most people who do those jobs encounter plenty of this in their real lives as well no matter what they wear, how neatly their hair is brushed, even if they've gotten enough sleep the night before. I've gone out in my worst and STILL gotten hit on by guys. I remember this even happening when I was a teenager though my mother was super strict and glared at guys who checked me out, I couldn't buy a date in high school (I've since learned my male peers were likely too intimated by my looks and my brain, a hazard I still live to this day) & it's almost never the guys I WANT approaching me.

But while you expect this generally if you're an actress or model, you don't expect this to come up in places like the classroom or on job searching sites like LinkedIn. You don't expect it in the context of business networking events or when you're responding to friend requests from people who work in the same industry as you or when you're at work in your career.

Ever hear of the saying "Don't shit where you eat?" This means, don't have beyond platonic relationships with people who work in your industry. Do you want to be known as the actress who only got a role in a film because you were fucking the director? Do you want to be the model who's only walking in the show because you slept with the photographer or producer? How about the attorney who only got the client because you were dating him?

The mere appearance of having gotten something because of a personal relationship is bad enough. The inevitable gossip and breakup aftermath are even worse.

So, for the men here's why you DON'T hit on women in a business context or if you work in the same industry as her:

1. Nobody of worth wants to be known as a casting couch ho. People don't think kindly of casting couch hoes. They are a scourge on the industry, diminish those with actual talent & prevent anyone from honestly getting ahead since everyone receives the message "you won't get anywhere here no matter how good you are at your job if you don't fuck me." I & others of like mind see this and think "what's the fucking point of dealing with you since you're an obstruction to my progress?"

2. Have you been asleep for the Harvey Weinstein scandal? Or other sexual harassment scandals? If some woman isn't interested or loses interest, she can easily accuse you of trying to use your industry power to fuck with her career or imply that you said a breakup or rejection would result in her not getting roles or even getting blacklisted.

3. Do you like having your sex life and proclivities being public knowledge & a topic of gossip? I don't. Most women tend to get bashed in those sessions and viewed as whores. It doesn't lead to women being respected or valued for their brain cells or their abilities outside of a sexual context.

4. Do you stay friends with all your exes? Or are all of your exes dead to you, like mine are? I don't want to see, hear about or know my exes. I prefer to think they're dead or in some other universe far away from me. Dating in your industry means if you break up, you'll probably have to see that person again or deal with them in a business context.

Can you be professional in that instance? Most people can't. I would rather not put myself in that situation in the first place. I don't care to get fucked over by an angry ex or see someone who refuses to leave me alone to live my life without them.

5. In the case of an attorney, you're implying that woman has to sleep with clients to get their business since she's otherwise too inept to get or keep clients with her personality or her brain or her legal skills. In other words, you're calling her stupid & incompetent. Attorneys REALLY don't like being called stupid or treated as though they are stupid.

Perhaps you're also insulting actresses and models here by implying that they're not good enough on their own merits to get ahead and have to fuck you to get work. Some may do it but I think anyone of worth or talent would refuse to play that game.

Here's another free piece of advice: stop bitching at women who call you out when you've sent a flirtatious message just like every other cretin who's not approached them in a professional manner.

I've had a few guys get pissy at me when I told them straight up that if they have a romantic intention towards me, I'm not interested or that they can go to my Facebook fan page if they want to just see the pretty pictures. Just this evening, I had one send me a friend request who I'd wondered if he also worked in the industry being Facebook friends with numerous friends I know who work in the business.

His first message to me is telling me how he thinks my pics are "cute, sassy & yes sexy!" then inviting me to check out his profile, saying we might have things in common & inviting me to "chat sometime."

Seeing as this is someone I see no information on and know nothing about, I state that if he's only sent me this friend request to proposition me romantically that doesn't work for me and I'd wanted to know if he worked in my industry as I see all our mutual contacts are from that field. I also mention that I've got a fan page specifically for people just seeking pretty pics instead of reading my views on various issues (I don't fit inside a neat little box and lots of people get pissy at things I have to say on topics they may not agree with me on).

I figure I'll get a normal, sane response giving me answers and determining if this is some leftist lunatic who's going to try censoring me on my own page (since I believe in taking preemptive measures to avoid hassles whenever you can). Instead I get a snarky response like I'm supposed to know who he is (I don't & still don't; this is not some guy with a household name and even if he were, that wouldn't impress me since I'm not some ho who drops her drawers without talking to a guy and seeing if I at least like his personality).

I respond stating the role of an entertainment attorney isn't to kiss your ass, suck your dick or stroke your ego & the lunacy of expecting not only an entertainment attorney but a natural redhead to do that. I concluded with "How about NOT insulting my intelligence? Thanks."

When a guy gets defensive and snarky in response to a message like the one I wrote, I conclude he's nothing but a cretin with no pure intention in speaking to me. I don't think "Oh, I'm such an awful person" since I'm polite & professional while saying IF your intention is romantic, I'm not interested. Plenty of people who did have romantic intentions didn't act like toddlers when I wrote such a message and replied in a respectful manner. Plenty of guys respect my right to have preferences that don't include them as well as my right not to want to be seen as some casting couch ho.

Guys, if you think some woman is attractive don't make that your lead in conversation. Attractive women in particular will be on guard for that and they'll think you're just another cretin wasting their time. We have online dating apps and Instagram for romantic overtures so go there if you want to do that. Just remember that if you work in the same field and could be in a supervisory or decision making role over someone or could be their client, you're probably not getting considered & will offend the person in question.

You can ask NICELY, PROFESSIONALLY and POLITELY in the context of Instagram or an online dating app since people expect that to be your purpose on those sites & generally don't do business networking there but you need to actually talk to that woman as a human being with functioning brain cells and see if you like her conversation before you spring that on her. A lawyer asking me out on one of those sites is different from one asking me out during a work assignment or on LinkedIn. One lawyer simply handed me his business card with his number written down on it, which I thought was a classy & acceptable way of making that intent known without putting me on the spot at work (he also wasn't my adversary on a case).

I never experienced this shit in my academic career as a student in college or law school & I probably would have felt even less flattered in those situations. Clearly some guys who work in entertainment will never make competent law professors. My father would have killed some professors who tried that, I'm quite certain.

I feel like we should not have to have to vocalize this lesson. Why isn't the #metoo movement addressing it but instead demonizing ALL men & making them not want to mentor or hire women? I don't think all men are evil and I'm no delicate flower but some seem not to think about the perspective of the woman reading this stuff or what her perception of the author is. Are they fucking stupid? Over sexed? Suffering from delusions of hotness? What's the deal?

And for fucks sake, if you're going to approach a woman at least live in the same fucking STATE!!! If you don't live in the same geographic area as me or regularly come to my region (at least weekly), then you are wasting my time. I already have a long distance sort of boyfriend & he's probably much better looking than you are, not to mention he was there in the hard times so I know he can be trusted while I don't know shit about you.

I also don't waste my time on men who make my ex-husband look like Brad Pitt in terms of looks or money so know your audience before you send such messages!! Models are not going out with dudes who don't even rank on the average scale in looks unless they've got tons of money they'll be spending on them. If you hate that reality, I suggest you go fix yourself in looks or in job prospects or attitude. Don't come bitching to me or anyone outside of a qualified therapist about your unrealistic expectations. You're not entitled to anyone, period. Women have free will & the right to make their own decisions on such matters; if you have a problem with that, move to a foreign country where women are second class citizens and go date women who live there. Women in the US aren't putting up with that shit.

More Moves Foward

Really happy I got to be part of this cool urban fashion show in Brooklyn yesterday. I was the only model looking like me (as usual) and probably stood out even more as the only redhead than the only white girl; one guy told me after the show I was holding it down for a white girl. Nice, huh?

I rehearsed and have practiced walking like mad for this one. Remember, I said modeling isn't remotely as easy as it looks. You have to know how to walk properly & you're constantly being critiqued on it and other things. Maybe if you gain weight more easily you get critiqued on that; it's not an issue I deal with but I did find recently I have gotten above 100 pounds (which is a small victory since it's not really healthy for a 5'6 woman to be under 100 pounds, especially when I like my current bra size).

This was the first show where I had a need for pasties. I happened to have nude pasties on me & asked a few days before if I should bring them. I was told to bring them so I did. Turns out that was a very good thing to do since I modeled some sexy outfits, at least one of which my jerky ex would likely have bitched about. I wanted to do swimwear & finally got to do that in this show.

I also got to wear some cute dresses, including one cut in a way that I would kill to get. I would likely use body tape to wear it but I would love to get a dress of that cut. Plus, I just loved the dress period. The dressing up part is probably one of my favorite things about being a model. I just remember that I will look good no matter what & it all flows from there, especially hair wise. The performance aspect probably appeals to me because of my acting background though I realized in that last outfit "Oh, shit I didn't shave down there." Then again, I argue that because I'm a natural redhead & have sensitive skin I should get a dispensation from that. Plus, it's not like a European guy would hassle me on it. I also have never had a guy reject me on the basis of too much hair.

My company recently got an account on Instagram & I keep getting asked about my Instagram account by people in fashion. Realized I probably ought to start one myself. I got the app but never created one. I also have an app to clean up pictures & I made sure to get some of myself in my outfits (since you may never get your pics if you don't do that & it might take ages to get them so at least you have something for yourself, fans, whoever). I can do that along with pics I take of random things. Saw a few things recently I had to snap pictures of.

Maybe I should look into Hoot Suite so I can manage all these social media accounts. I know it costs money, which I do NOT like so hesitant there.

I also loaned my bra to a model who was wearing this one lace top & didn't have pasties. I would be horribly self-conscious about going out in a see through top with nothing covering me & figure it might mean "bye bye" to my career so I felt it was only right to help a sister out. Plus, she was cool to me & told me "it's just a fashion show" even having a "devil may care" attitude on the whole thing. I thought that was awesome so of course I'm going to help someone like that. Be a bitch to me & I'd laugh in your face.

I use pasties if I can't do a bra since I'm self-conscious about certain things showing. I knew if I didn't have them, I'd be flashing the audience (which wouldn't be good). I still believe in classiness & do have my professional reputation to consider.

Still also riding that wave of male attention in the wake of the bullshit. One guy I got a number from was particularly interesting. Let's just say he's in a role where you don't want to be starting anything. I also may be getting the opportunity to do something I've been dying to do & that will make me a very happy lady. What? I can't mention it yet.

Plus I'm aware of certain hating assholes who may still pry into my affairs even though I clearly don't write for them, could care less what they think & like it or not will still have their name unless they want to give me a few hundred dollars to change it (in NY state, you have to publish your name change in a newspaper along with paying the fee they require).

Also learned today about an industry friend being in a bad car accident with some other people (including the big name star he was opening for) & being in the hospital in stable but critical condition. I even saw the post people referenced where he talked about how much fun he was having 50 minutes before it happened. That's plain eerie. I also can't do more death & dying nor can I do anyone adding stress or hassle to my life. I've also been riding a wave of good news that I'd like to keep up as long as I can.

In closing, fuck the people who hate strong women & excuse the hell out of anyone who thinks I'm going to shrivel up and be a victim to please them. That's no way to live & no one should pull that act for anyone. What's the point?

Dependency: The Most Loaded State of Being Ever

A few thoughts come to mind after ending this Halloween. I didn't have a "traditional" Halloween though I could have gone to a free Halloween party & dressed up + have all my costume stuff in easy reach. Here's why:

1. I found out on Monday I have pinkeye. The last time I had it was in elementary school. I was literally attending a religious private school at the time & it was the late '80s. Not even sure how many times I got it but at least twice.

My father even took me & my sister to Shoney's for lunch one day when I was out of school due to pinkeye. Why was my sister present? She was the queen of faking sick when we were kids since she hated going to school. I hated the social aspects of school & dealing with my horrid classmates but I didn't mind the schoolwork part; my sister was the total opposite. She decided to fake sick on this particular day & getting pinkeye again over 20 years later reminded me of that trip. It's one of those few pleasant memories I have of my father from childhood.

The upside on this whole pinkeye thing is that I now know of a local ophthalmologist if my husband gets it (he's certain he will since he likes to sleep on my pillow at night) & you'd never know I had to look at me. When I had it as a kid, my eyes would look horrible. You'd be able to tell in a second I wasn't well.

2. I was in a lingerie fashion show yesterday. In fact, I wore an outfit that I called my dominatrix look. There were no mirrors so when I came out of the changing room & immediately had my picture taken with one of the other models, I was a little nervous.

But then I got into the role & the show was a ton of fun. A random guy asked me if I'd take a picture with him & he'd flipped the camera to face us. I looked at myself & noticed I was smiling. When I saw this, I thought to myself "There's no way I can stop doing this. I enjoy it way too much."

Modeling has been one of those things keeping me sane & giving me hope for the future. It's probably built up my self-esteem & got rid of the ugly girl complex for good (since you can't be effective at it if you're self-conscious or doubt your own beauty; as they say, the camera doesn't lie).

3. I went to a Halloween party last Friday night & dressed up. Ironically, I was in a fashion show the next night & had a glitter pattern on my face that would have looked great with my costume. It still worked in the show, though & I got some great shots from it. Apparently, I've even mastered walking like a model since one girl I was working with yesterday told me her boyfriend said to her that I "walk like a model." How awesome is that?

I also did some networking & met people at this party. See, women like to know they are appreciated and that guys (or girls if they're lesbians) think they look hot. Even being married, I always appreciate that. For me, it's insurance against jerky behavior. You treat me like shit & there's no reason for me to spend tons of time crying over you.

I also had to go to the cardiologist & for marriage counseling on Halloween. Not sure what type of omen that was but maybe it was good since thus far, my heart's in good shape. I just have to get one more thing to make 100% certain but the certainty now is pretty high.

As for marriage counseling, I'm glad I got the things I had to say out there. If my husband follows up on things, maybe it can be workable but since I don't feel secure that I'm not going to be treated as a sugar baby he wants to rid himself of or that he won't engage in emotional abuse against me again there's still work to be done.

We are also much more different that I would have thought. Maybe part of it is the change in my mental state & acting to stand up for myself against obnoxious behavior no matter where at this point.

I still feel I'm acting consistent with who I am but I've just refused to give up fun for myself because my husband won't do something. He got all POed when I told him about dancing with someone who pulled me into it when I was leaving yesterday's fashion show. I said that if he's not going to dance with me somewhere & some other guy asks me, I will accept provided it's not club dancing. I told my husband he'd better be doing club dancing with me (grinding, you know); it's in his best interest to do that w/me anyway.

The guy who did have me dance with him last night told me I was a good dancer. I always considered myself decent. Not great but not horrifically shitty, either. Guess those 2 years of dance class in high school & dancing at all those college frat parties + clubs paid off. I suppose that was another benefit of sorority membership for me; I would see my sisters at parties, hang out with them and as part of being in that scene would get asked to dance by guys (usually from other schools) or dance with my friends. Still need some gay male friends who like going to clubs & can dance at least as well as me, ideally better.

Today,as I was dealing with all this with my husband in counseling & thinking about the session I was reminded of when I dated Condo Man & how that relationship ended. He said similar to me & was trying to make my life suck by trying to take away money I was trying to save from my job to move for the next chapter. I got fed up & out of there very quickly. In fact, I ended up moving someplace that was much closer to work than his was. I felt that was sabotage & told my husband that some of the statements he made to me lately were threats and an attempt to sabotage me.

I realized that I'd fled from an emotionally abusive jerk in that case & could do it again if I had to. Friends of mine reminded me I'm a fighter & the irony is none of them knew me when I was dating Condo Man.

It feels sad to me that even if you're married, it seems you can't let your guard down. You can't not earn income, even if you're the best cook, the best financial planner, the most organized person & have a great vision.

I'm really hoping that's not how my marriage is going to turn out. A "give up your vision & career so I can do what I want" attitude. Since when should I be forced to do that if the person asking has no passion or vision for a career? Myopic views aren't a turn on, either. It's hardly excuse making when someone tells you their student loan lenders are going to take a huge cut of money if they're at a W-2 generating job; that's simple reality for most attorneys. We can't exactly go work as burger flippers unless we just pay student loan lenders & that's not accomplishing anything if you're seeking more income for your household.

Apparently, there's mutual anger between us though there's still some love. This is probably accurate. I also know there are interests we will never share & parts of my life he'll never want to be part of, even though when I started out on things I never wanted my husband feeling excluded or like he couldn't go to things.

He also did admit something I was sure of & people outright told me but that I didn't know for certain; he's uncomfortable with me modeling & not really supportive of it. At least he does know I'm not giving it up & hasn't asked me to. I think he knows if he did it would be like telling me I can't be friends with people he doesn't like: an instant dealbreaker that will cause me to leave. Emotional abuse is also a biggie since I explained to him I dealt with it enough in childhood & refuse to do it now.

I also really hope he's kidding me about being bipolar since if he in fact is & knowing he would never take medication for mental illness, that's something else I can't do. If you want to call me heartless for that, then you try living the childhood I had, getting out of it & then ask yourself if you want to go through more emotional abuse, verbal abuse and other problems coming from living with someone who refuses to get help for serious problems. History can only take you so far, as I found out when my former childhood best friend decided to show her ass at my sister's wedding after totally dropping the ball on everything & trying to inject herself into my face when I clearly didn't want her there.

Part of me also thinks it's dickish for him to pull this whole "it's your turn to support ME" stuff when things are where they are & my father just died, leaving my childhood family in turmoil. That really bothers me on multiple levels & probably has contributed to anger on my part.

If things don't work out here, I'm never getting married again & will totally feel a long term relationship would be a waste. I'm not going to be able to get over that whole concept of dependency; it's a part of marriage but you're supposed to be okay with it & revere your spouse, not keep a running tally of how many years you earned the money while they didn't or throwing your job in their face while they try finding one & have no luck. Sorry, but no one deserves that. The spouse might as well be your sugar mommy or daddy & cut the pretense of actually giving a damn about you or your feelings if (s)he is going to do that.

Plus, to me dependency = vulnerability & that is something I have a very hard time with. I've had to force myself to get over that as of late with friends since it's not healthy to have no one you can fall apart around without them judging you or holding it against you later (not everyone can afford therapy & I'm the type who needs to talk things out). Friends are also a lower stakes proposition than a serious romantic relationship since you can have more of them & I'd like to hope if my friends have a true crisis, they will feel they can come to me without discomfort.

I'm also not sure if love = dependency. After all, loving someone means you're dependent on how you're treated by someone else. I just feel like I wouldn't be able to really love anyone fully if this becomes another situation I have to flee for my own well being & survival. The story continues but it feels like you can never, ever be dependent with anyone (even the people we think of as being "safe" to be dependent on).

Why I Won't Be Your Manager, Being an Inadvertent Wingwoman & The Job I Want But Will Never Get From a BigLaw Employer

Lately, life has been rather busy with my freelance gig. I also went to a model casting I heard about on Thursday night, which I figured was going to be a short term type thing with no networking involved but ended up having free food that was pretty decent and led to my meeting someone in the talent management arena who said she recognized me. We had a lovely conversation & I've got more people to follow up with (likely now or sometime after my husband goes back to his dreaded job; at least he's been acting more like his normal self, though we still have that whole fiscal responsibility issue to address--today's my anniversary, by the way).

I also am no longer managing my first client. This is better anyway since she found someone more suited for the role, I am who I am and since being a manager isn't about promoting your own career, it was just too much anyway. We're still friends, though.

Since then, I've now vowed not to be anyone's manager again unless I retire from what I already do.

This means not doing any type of creative pursuit and certainly not being a partner in a film production company. Otherwise, I'm going to be way too focused on representing myself and getting ahead for myself.

Plus, I'm just worn down from being anyone's Mommy. I'm sick of doing that for my husband and have stepped back from things I would have done in the past. He even asked me if I networked for him at the event I went to on Thursday; I told him that since he doesn't want to work in the entertainment industry with its permanent freelance nature & is not into fashion, I did not. I also mentioned that he doesn't even know what he wants to do so how am I supposed to help him on that front? Plus, let me tell you self-sufficiency is a turn on for any mature, functional woman (me included). In fact, it's not just a turn on for me; it's a dealbreaker. I can't deal with that type of dependency. I heard a song by The Waitresses recently called "Go On." There are lyrics in there I'm sure many of you girls can relate to about guys. Particularly "another [guy] gets dependent" and "Am I a magnet for losers? A net for the helpless? I'm no social worker." Hear, hear! It also strikes me that a friend of mine was actually BEING a friend to me back in the day rather that just trying to break up my relationship for selfish reasons (or at least it was this friend not trying 100% to break it up).

The Waitresses have other songs, as I discovered in Song Pop. Go hear them. Just like The Specials, there's some good writing on issues that relate to things in life you don't hear about all the time. I also happen to like Mary J. Blige since she has some depressing songs but they have depth & I can relate to a lot of them having grown up where I did.

Yeah, I'm plain too worn out to do that so I think it's time I took care of myself & let my own career go where it goes.

On Friday, I went to karaoke with my husband as we often do. We have a karaoke place not far from our house that we've been to so much, they no longer check our IDs when we go in. This week, a friend of my husband's he's been trying to get there for ages showed up & brought his friend. My husband said this friend (who he worked with at another branch in the library) was proficient at getting women. Apparently, though I helped his friend get a hook up without trying.

Here's what happened.

The girl his friend was talking to gets up & sings a Talking Heads song. I'm a huge fan of their music & have every single song from that group. If Song Pop got a Talking Heads category, I could get 4 stars in it very quickly & kill most people in it. I also told my husband if I ever end up in a coma, he should make sure to have Talking Heads playing.

I don't feel I could sing Talking Heads well but this girl did it. She also happened to be the very first person I'd ever seen do Talking Heads at karaoke; no small feat considering I've been to karaoke tons of times in various cities along the East Coast.

I said "Points from me for picking Talking Heads." I also figure if you're going to sing something by them, you've got some taste. We had a brief conversation, I told her about my husband knowing the guys involved with the karaoke & giving them songs before. She said "We need to get all their songs in there." I said "Yeah," since I think that would rock especially if you see Talking Heads songs you don't see elsewhere. This place has a cool selection of songs & I have found a few that I've not seen elsewhere.

After I had this conversation, I legitimately had to use the bathroom. Lucky for me, there was no line.

I come back and my husband tells me his friend's friend and this girl are making out. He claimed that I apparently helped this guy get laid even though I didn't set out to do that. I just complimented the girl on her song choice in a spirit of sincerity.

This story confirms that I could totally do wingwoman work & should get paid for it. I applied at a few places and got interest in the past but nothing ever worked out from it. I'm not sure if you have to get licensing for it if you want to do it on a freelance basis by yourself. Getting a company name could help & I know that costs money but it seems like a possible avenue I should investigate. Plus, I've got the model cred officially this time.

So if you're going to karaoke & need a wingwoman, I can totally do it since I'm a semi-pro singer & know a lot about what makes it good or bad when you're in front of an audience. I also have the necessary stage presence because of my whole entertainment background & there's that model cred. Finally, I'm well aware I'm a rare breed (at least if the older guy I met while at karaoke is speaking accurately): a woman with good looks AND intelligence.

Speaking of jobs, I found a listing for the elusive one I'd love to do in a law firm. I actually saw a Craig's List post for it and had to wait until Friday to apply due to life happening. I also needed some time to craft my strategy.

Looking at the description I was thinking "I can totally do this." After all, I have been a partner in my own business for nearly 6 years, have had my law license for about the same time, managed to get some respect in the legal community by being me (and if you've read this blog, you know how hard that task is; I would have told you it was impossible a few years ago) & have had people from the traditional legal world listen to what I have to say, even though I'm not some BigLaw type.

I applied but in my honest view, I've got a better chance at winning the lottery or being abducted by space aliens than getting an interview for it. First off, this is at Morrison & Foerster LLP a.k.a. a BigLaw firm. They're part of that whole evil empire that shuns creativity, people who aren't from T1 schools/weren't on law review/don't come from millions of dollars to make either of those things happen, thinking outside the box, attractive women, assertive types & pretty much anything else you can think of that would describe me 100% accurately.

Second, I'm not impressed with BigLaw or anyone in it. I will not kiss your ass & I will not let you treat me like crap. I don't care where you went to law school, what your class rank was or any of that garbage. I care about how you act as a person & if you're a jerk to me, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Magnanimity is not a trait I have or aspire to. That would be my sister: she's far more magnanimous than I & clearly has a much greater tolerance for BS from others. It takes a lot to really get on my bad side but once you do, God help you. When I hear anything about BigLaw, I figure they expect some fancy little ass kissing presentation where you grovel at their feet and refer to them as "Your Excellency." Sorry, but that's not who I am.

Finally, from reading the ad I feel like they focus on creating client relations by technical measures & there's a director to report to. It feels like a conflict between book smarts & street smarts. I have the street smarts considering I've been networking on my own for free just to enhance myself and my business; that bridge isn't going to get built if you're just sitting on your butt & looking at the lumber, you know. You have to BUILD it and put in the work to make it strong. I also have yet to meet any successful networker who has developed rapport or built authentic relationships by using technical measures and sophisticated metrics. You build those relationships by being a good person: having empathy, doing things the other person would find helpful, inviting them to events you're involved in, talking about things other than their legal problems, being laidback but not too much. There's a balancing act involved & you need some warmth along with genuine affection/respect for people if you're going to do it well.

Guess that's also an issue I take: I don't feel the world of BigLaw has respect for me or my contemporaries.

Now I have encountered people who worked in BigLaw (even as attorneys) who weren't total assholes fitting my image of BigLaw. That was the spirit in which I chose to apply. There's also the idea of never getting things if you don't ask so I figured applying wouldn't hurt.

However, I did it by being myself & by pitching the idea that my being an outsider is the precise reason why you should be talking to me. My demographic is different, I have a different manner from your crowd & I'm better at creating authentic relationships. I hear things from people that they'd never feel comfortable telling you, I have likeability & if I'm working with you, that reflects better on you since perhaps a fellow BigLaw hater will give you a chance if you have a representative who isn't conforming to that mold.

Either these people will shock me & get in touch with me or they'll live up to my low expectations and do precisely what I expect. You can't make phone calls for this one & I have no direct contacts to this firm (though if I asked, I'm sure there's a contact someplace with some insight; wish I knew someone who had worked in the NY office to tell me if my negative views are accurate or about this particular Director of Client Relations since I have no time for incompetent blowhards who know less than I do, have zero imagination & would hate me on sight but for some reason would get to supervise ME).

Maybe knowing that I've done what I have but these people haven't & probably couldn't is another reason I have some clashes with that world. Who knows if some of them aren't the haters who bitched & moaned when I refused to kiss their asses or assume they were God while I was a poor, stupid simpleton?

At least I have a general title for it & know it exists but I don't see a BigLaw place considering me unless my best friend was a partner in the law firm with a huge share or a partner there was a huge fan of my creative output or my film company's creative output. Am I wrong? Prove it. You can offer to help me out on this or show me by word & deed that I'm wrong. Otherwise, you're not likely to convince me I shouldn't start expecting the spaceship to come take me away before getting a call from this firm.

The World of Modeling & Officially Being One of "The Beautiful People"

I had my modeling debut on Wednesday. As in, I got to be in a fashion show for a legitimate designer who has a track record & contacts. The models I worked with included people who do it professionally. This was an opportunity I never really expected to get, even though every girly girl would kill to do it. After all, there are modeling scams all over the place. Plus, I'm in a grey area on height.

However, I'm so darn thin that I look taller than I am. That's nothing new considering one mother whose kid I watched one summer thought I was 5'8 when I'm actually shorter than that.

My opportunity actually arose when I went to an event for my film company & met a designer who invited me to participate. An awesome person, by the way. I would totally work with her again.

Things you should know about modeling:

1. It is NOT as easy as it looks. Really, it's not. This is one point where mass media and the general public have it totally wrong.

2. The things that form the attorney mindset are murder in modeling. You can't be paranoid, obsessed with a routine or overly eager to please. You've got to have some self-confidence, be prepared for the unexpected and let go of things.

3. Modeling may be the only space where you aren't being encouraged to cover up or repress yourself. I actually loved going to my debut since it was the one forum I've been in where I wasn't being made to feel shame for looking as I do or where I'd have to worry if something was too revealing or too sexy.

4. Being in a sorority is very good prep for being in a fashion show. You have to do a lot of posing for pictures, though you do get to be alone much more often than with sorority picture taking. I remember doing TONS of pictures for our sorority events & girls outright saying they felt like they should be models with us having to pose so darn much for picture taking from different people.

5. If you were the ugly guy/girl back in the day & get a modeling opportunity, the arrogant friends are useful resources here. If they overcame their ugly guy/girl past, even better.

Models and the world of fashion modeling has a very nasty rep in society. When I was a teenager, the only thing I really heard about was how the models in magazines were unrealistic to what girls actually looked like and that if you were a small size, you were "unnatural." Hell, pretty girls have gotten a bum rap as well! Look at shows like Daria or My-So Called Life. You have the Fashion Club, Quinn Morgendorfer (whom I'd look more like if I were an animated character) and a whole episode of My So-Called Life where the model of this one magazine is attacked just b/c she looks better than others. Even today, you have certain feminist types and fat appreciation folks who aren't content with just empowering themselves in the face of society's standard of beauty. Instead, they have to engage in skinny & pretty hate.

Are there vapid airheads in that world? Sure. Are there models with eating disorders or managers and others telling models to lose more weight? Probably. I didn't experience that myself & haven't heard about it from anyone I know in that field but I'm sure it happens.

If someone told me to lose weight, I'd laugh my ass off considering I actually lost some weight recently (likely from working out) & me weighing less isn't really a good thing. It would mean going down in cup sizes, which I wouldn't want. A friend in high school once asked me if I was anorexic & I was a clothing size bigger then, so that should tell you something about how little I need to lose weight. Vanity sizing may have affected that some but I did have to get rid of things I had from that time b/c they were now too big on me.

The outfit I ended up in was actually much more revealing that anything I'd ever worn in public and was going to be more revealing but ended up being not so much. You could see my underwear in it as well most of my body, though I was clothed (no nude modeling for me, thanks). I'm hoping I can get a full pic of that at some point since I looked gorgeous & how many attorneys do you know who've also modeled while they were attorneys?

I also wasn't the least bit self-conscious about going out in it. I got out there & it was very liberating. Wearing something as part of a fashion show (or even a stage performance) is not the same as wearing it out on the street. Performance is different & if you have a creative background, you get this. Even my conservative mother got this.

Unfortunately, my night was tarred some with a fight I had with my husband. He was mad I took off my wedding ring to do the show. My understanding was I had to take it off since the designer said to take off any jewelry not part of the costume since it would mess up the pictures. He got upset and left. The designer said I didn't have to take off my ring & wanted to meet him but by then, he was gone. I learned later that apparently the owner of the venue where the show was treated him badly. Still, it did cause a fight since I felt like my husband didn't want me to model at all even though I got this opportunity & it would be stupid to turn it away. It's one thing if I tried & failed but I tried & succeeded; the future is wide open.

We settled this, at least, so now things are good. He did also say that if I had to take off my ring for an acting role, he'd understand. As bears repeating for those not in the creative field, performance is different from your real life. You're putting on a show, creating a performance. It's not the same as taking it off to go pick up guys in a bar (or girls or transvestites, whatever your preference is) so you can have an affair.

Frankly, I'm sick & fucking tired of the skinny hate and the pretty hate. As far as I'm concerned, those people can go someplace unpleasant if they want to try going there with me. I'm of the belief that people who are pretty, get modeling opportunities or do/have something desirable in society should not have to apologize for being who they are or having it. I decided after doing this that I'm not going to apologize for being pretty or having a body women envy. Why are those realities my fault? Who is anyone to go & make that my fault? Why should I or anyone else be punished for it? If you've got that stuff, you should be happy & embrace it.

That's not to say you have to be a jerk or an asshole to others but if you make assumptions about my competence or diminish my rights as a human being over it (I'm more of a reactive personality instead of someone who actively starts shit with others), then I most certainly get the right to call you a fat ass or whatever derogatory term will be fitting for you as a detractor. It's not MY problem or anyone else's that you're insecure, envious or have low self-esteem. Maybe if you worked on yourself, you'd not be going around hating model types.

I feel like somehow we've gotten to a point where being the pretty, skinny girl is the same as being a villain. You might as well be torturing puppies in your spare time. Consider another media example: the TV movie Death of a Cheerleader. Tori Spelling played the pretty, popular character who was a total bitch to Kellie Martin's character, the girl who wanted to be pretty & popular but was on the fringes of the in-crowd. I felt Tori Spelling's character was completely unsympathetic; if you watched it, you'd be rooting for her death since she had no redeeming qualities. The case it was based on was much different & the popular girl apparently wasn't a total bitch.

I actually listened to my "arrogant" friend (well, it's what my husband says but if I didn't think he had redeeming qualities he wouldn't be my friend) & realized he had a point. Plus, I remembered he hung around model types so if anyone would have insight on how I could properly prepare for this I figured he would.

Maybe it's naive but I do think it's possible to 100% embrace being "one of the beautiful people" without becoming an asshole. Let's face it, I already have problems with people assuming bad things about me for plenty of other reasons. I'm also just not a person who has to knock others down to feel good about herself. I don't have to vilify a pretty girl to make myself more beautiful (I'm a redhead so mine is different anyway); maybe that's why we have this whole mainstream attitude over it. The writers of shows and movies were ugly in their day, never got viewed as "pretty" later on & have criminally low self-esteem to this day.

Consider the Abercrombie & Fitch statement from the CEO about how they don't want fat people wearing their clothes & that they market to the "cool kids."

I heard about this and thought it was simply a confirmation of what I already saw in my high school days. All the preppie & popular white kids wore Abercrombie & Fitch clothing.

I personally rebelled against it since I had a true sense of style my classmates didn't, I got 40% off clothes I could wear to work at my retail job at JcPenney so most of my clothing was dressier stuff & I didn't like most of the kids in my grade who were wearing this stuff. I also left shit like wearing labels behind in middle school & Abercrombie & Fitch just wasn't my cup of tea (Rave was more my speed).

The only time I got something from there was a tank top I wore to play a role in a Drama Club play I was in where I was the lead guy's girlfriend. I felt like Abercrombie & Fitch would be her aesthetic and make her more genuine as a functional, "normal" high school student than my personal style would. However, when we took the show to a theater competition outside our city I ended up wearing something more my style at the behest of my fellow cast members & Drama teacher. I have no clue where that tank top is today; it's probably vanished someplace in the annals of time and my mother's garage full of stuff you can't get to or organize.

My other thought was "Thank you! At least someone is respectful to skinny people & not making their size 2s as big as houses." Not a retailer I care for but if you're my size, shopping can suck. I'd like to be able to go someplace in NYC where there's a selection in my size and it doesn't cost a trillion dollars (other than sample sales). No one ever cares about whether I can find clothes to fit me but the skinny haters sure can.

Why should some private company have to cater to fat people when there are plenty of companies that don't cater to me as a skinny person? I can't control my size either. Should the CEO have said it publicly? Probably not & with him looking as he does, he had to have known he'd get that held against him when he made those statements.

See my point on skinny hate? It's one thing to appreciate who you are but you don't get a right to slam me or others who are skinny by nature. People have practically been calling for crucifixion of this CEO, which I can't agree with. In college, I interviewed for a job there but they had this crazy group interview session where you were evaluated based on how much you talked vs. the other applicants. Well, the big mouths are going to win every time. No opportunity to talk to anyone individually about their experience or sales abilities or anything like that. Just not my thing.

So, would I model again? Absolutely. I'd like pay for it but as long as I'm treated with basic respect and my personal boundaries are respected, we're all good. This is another one of those "we'll see where it goes" type things. I figured even if I never did it again, I would at least be able to say I did it once.