Right before I left town, my article on social media was published in NYCLA's newsletter, New York County Lawyer. You can read it here. Go to page 12.
Did you notice that my title wasn't listed in the Table of Contents in the front? I did. I also want you to read the other articles in there. Then, read mine. Did you see the difference in writing style? It's unmistakeable. I also decided to tackle a viewpoint that's not being spouted by Career Builder, HR blog writers or anyone in the legal community.
After all, this blog is by design not written to impress anyone. Who I am in general is also not designed to impress anyone. I actually evolved from 7th grade; had I not done this, I'd have probably committed my own school shooting & been far more legendary as well as successful at it than those Columbine boys. They didn't have the advantage of "the smart kid" persona or being so beyond suspicion like I was. I don't recall them having insiders to help them in their attack whereas I was an insider & knew quite a few of them. Society & mankind as a whole are better off with me not spending my time trying to impress others.
You know what the consensus has been when I get feedback on this blog? It's been positive. In fact, a friend of mine told me a few days ago that I shouldn't dare change who I am or censor myself in this blog since that's what makes me interesting, special & will take me places in this life. This friend also said I lack confidence in myself since I was the perfect person to become Subcommittee Chair of Entertainment & Media at NYCLA. I mentioned that I was mostly shocked since I really don't put stock in the legal industry or the BigLaw establishment that governs most bar associations. Look at all the slights I've had with bar associations, comments I've endured (like the guy who remarked on my nail polish at the very first NYCLA event I went to & had traveled from New Haven to show up for), oversights like this lack of mention of my article on the Table of Contents as well as not getting credit for bringing in a colleague's short film into NYCLA's First Film Festival & "offended" veteran attorneys who get all butt hurt when I don't kiss their asses or refer to them as "Sir" or "Your Excellency!" Would you put any stock in a group that treated you that way?
These days, I'm getting more respect from the legal industry & bar associations (getting this position being one example) but I feel like it's still a work in progress. Planning my first event now & with a little help from some great, non-stuffy folks, I plan to make the bar association fit me and be welcoming to me + those like me who say the bar association isn't their scene (more details when it's confirmed & finalized). I'm also going to an event at City Bar next week to see if I can't keep inspiring new entrants to this field to be their damn selves instead of trying to impress old, stuffy, perma-adults who never went to a frat party (my freshman fling in college claimed he wouldn't go to one & said he'd only go to wine tastings), watched cartoons or did anything frivolous, even when they were babies. Not to mention plenty of them would sell folks out in a heartbeat. I say why give a shit about those people & what they think?
My friend does have a point, though. I'm not sure it's lack of self-confidence as much as lack of confidence in the public & people. Call it the Groucho Marx syndrome: the "I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member" ethic. With all the whining & encouraging everyone to be miserable cretins like them, my attitude toward the populace couldn't be all that great. I even got a tattoo to commemorate that general feeling (though it was more specifically related to love).
Granted, I do have supportive people in my life & discovered I had more fans of me than I ever thought I did. I think I'll be taking his advice in the near future. The universe is kind of telling me to do that anyway.
I interviewed for yet another job opportunity (this time as a lawyer who was going to eventually be a business owner in a non-entertainment related business). I finally heard back on it after I figured it was going to be another case of an interviewer going MIA & making me want to see that business destroyed. Apparently, the position wasn't filled but the owners decided to seek out someone with business experience. I said "More than mine?" since you'd better believe I mentioned my company in that interview. The owner I talked to said "A different kind of experience."
No harm, no foul but it just confirms something I have finally truly come to grips with: I am not meant to have a full time day job that isn't related in some way to the entertainment industry & where I am not in charge.
Let's look at this from a logical standpoint:
1. The industry comes up everywhere I go, even in forums completely unrelated to it like Monday Night Law.
2. I got this leadership role in Entertainment & Media.
3. In all the years I've lived in NYC (and maybe we can include Connecticut as well since my only resume experiences there were from law school clinic work), no job I've looked at for a full time role has ever panned out. Interviewers disappeared, companies turned out to be scam operations or too shady for my tastes, freelance legal clients were unbearable, one legal position was filled with zero notice to me after I had an interview, that temp agency didn't pay me timely.
Other than that temp gig I've done a couple times & some freelance writing work, nothing has really panned out or lasted long term.
4. Most of my success has been from entertainment work/opportunities. Even that temp gig I did initially called for someone with acting experience so the person wouldn't sound like (s)he was reading from a script! Not everything I've done in the industry has worked out but my track record with it over the years has been much better than in things having zero to do with the business or any creative skills I have.
5. Most jobs being offered & probably all of them for attorneys require being a robot, exercising zero independent judgment and never thinking outside the box. The people who claim to want this stuff never follow up with me so you know they don't actually mean it.
6. To get most jobs, you have to become a robot or worry about impressing someone. I absolutely refuse to do that; I simply present a logical argument & get the information I need since I consider a job interview my evaluation of the interviewer as well.
Add it all up & it's pretty obvious the universe is yelling "You belong in this business, Angry Redheaded Lawyer! Things are going to work out for you so be patient & stop stressing about it!"
I also don't have the same verve or passion for things that don't relate to my business or give me some creative opportunity, name recognition, or prestige. At one point, I thought maybe I'd lost my ambition since I just don't have the same drive or interest in anything not related to my industry. Then I found I hadn't: I've just lost patience for the BS most people are more than happy to put up with in society for whatever reason. Is it bad that I lost this when I was still in my 20s (I think it was 28 or 29)?
Most of my family members died in their 60s or sooner so don't assume I'll have tons & tons of years to have to deal with any BS. My husband says that's not going to happen to me. Not sure about that but genetics don't favor me seeing my 80s. Granted maybe better access to medical care, a better diet & more means to pay for stuff could help. I'm also bigger on preventive medicine than some of my family members were though I'm not out popping pills over every little ailment. No abnormal germ phobias here.
Oh, and that show where I was playing a prostitute was delayed since the director had a mild heart attack. Maybe this wasn't the nicest thought & I wish for our director's speedy recovery but I couldn't help but think that if there'd been a younger assistant director around or we started doing projects by the younger members of the group, such things would be less likely to be an issue. I have written my own work before & let's face it, my generation isn't the sort to wait around a million years to get respect or be seen as worthy to do things we've been excelling at forever. These days, I'm thrilled to see more people not waiting for the old guard to give them opportunity & going out to get it for themselves. Even fast food workers are getting into the act. Personally, I haven't eaten it in years & have no plans to start eating it again. My cooking is much better & won't make me sick. Plus, in NYC, you might as well go elsewhere with the ungodly prices like the authentic NY pizza joints or independently owned diners. Supersize Me also may have influenced this decision but it was mostly lack of money & not liking the stomach sickness that came with eating it.
So, looking forward to my first event & entering my leadership tenure with style. It could become fucking EPIC & if it does, I'll be a very happy woman. I heard about that bar association's seeking entries for the Second Film Festival but then nothing happened. Gee, might have alienating me been a factor there? You know, the person who actually works within the industry & knows filmmakers? I hope it was since that would serve them right. My program will reflect me & my interests. If you know me, you won't be shocked.