I wrote this guide for someone I think I've outgrown (truly my ex, part deux who if I'd married instead would be the target of my anger and feelings of betrayal right now). He recently moved here & I figured I'd tell him what I'd have wanted to know when I moved here 7.5 years ago since that's the sort of thing I do for friends who've been there in my dark times.
Some of it was general, some was specific to what I knew about him.
As I wrote it, I figured it would be a great thing to post for my readers (especially those of you not from NYC, who've wanted to visit or would just be way out of their league coming to NYC). Here you go & make sure to thank me if you have averted even one local kicking your ass or flipping you off:
1. Rule #1: The MTA sucks. This is a fact of life irrelevant to which borough you live in. The subway platforms are cold in the winter & hot in the summer while the trains are the opposite. You will get squashed in rush hour or if the train has been delayed so there's also the body heat factor to consider.
2. Ask when apartments you are looking at were built. Chances are, you're not going to have the money for the newly renovated, fancy new places & if that building is pre-1980s, you don't want to use large appliances b/c you will experience power overloads.
3. Central air is non-existent in NYC. I suggest you get some nice window A/C units with a decent, but not huge, BTU. Plenty of places are sweltering in the summer, including subway stations. You will barely feel it in some places, especially on the hottest days (think heat index of 95+). Southerners, including me, fly into murderous rage in those conditions. See “Do The Right Thing” for an example.
4. Infestations, including bedbugs, roaches & rats: ASK about these in apartment hunting. If the place doesn't allow you to get a cat (they are masters at killing mice & some kill other creatures; I say this from firsthand knowledge), inform them that it'd better be fucking spotless.
Bedbugs are a serious threat in this city & owners are required to take care of that mess ASAP. It's a city law & you can call 311 about it.
Pet friendly buildings exist but can be hard to find. If they don't allow pets, they'd best be VERY diligent in dealing with rats, roaches and other creepy crawlies. Think of it this way: a girl does NOT want to get busy in a place with any of that mess. It would be a huge turnoff for me & probably 99% of womankind. Don't let anybody tell you roaches or rats are inevitable; my place was roach free & Stormy (the gray cat) took care of the very few little mice that showed up.
5. Some apps you need to get if you're going to be in NYC:
A) Embark (it's got the NYC subway map & tells you about delays & diversions on the trains)
B) HopStop (it's the best way to get directions to anywhere in NYC from where you are; it will tell you about diversions based on the time you're going, show you maps & so forth)
C) Yelp (If you're looking for a food place nearby or trying to remember where one is, this app will give you that info instantly. It's been a huge help to me if I wanted to find a Chinese restaurant or see how a place's reviews are. Also useful to get the number or see if a place is open at the time)
D) Groupon (you can get local deals on here & there's tons of stuff in NYC)
E) ABCEats (this is for the restaurant sanitation grades; maybe you don't have those where you are or never noticed them in your experience but it's a HUGE factor to me since they were in places I lived; you might be going out w/some girl who's also used to those & doesn't want to go to a grade C place)
F) NYC Condoms/find condoms (an app that tells you where you can get free condoms in NYC)
G) NYC 311 (this app lets you make complaints to the city without having to sit through 311's ridiculous automated system, which is a pain in the ass)
Apps that are useful if you are driving or in a car with someone:
A) Google Maps (it helped me a lot in CT but it's a power drain)
B) Waze (this one tells you about traffic on the road, has cute animations & you can warn people about road and driving conditions; if you go down a road that's not on the map, you can also get points in their system; also a power drain but you can also use it to get directions in the suburbs)
6. How to avoid beggars, subway performers and screaming kids on the subway: Get a pair of ear buds & an iPod or MP3 player with lots of songs you like on it. This comes in handy when some guy brings you a sob story or some woman straps a baby to herself & begs for money or someone prances their physical deformity around. Skullcandy has a lifetime warranty on their ear buds so when they inevitably die, you can get free replacements if you kept receipts or someone gave you some as a gift.
Books work if you can get a seat but if you can't, it can be very difficult to read & avoid all that mess while you're standing. With a music player, you can just let it play and if you leave it alone it won't matter if you're sitting or standing.
7. Don't be one of those people afraid of the subway or who always takes cabs: I will make fun of people for it, would call someone like that an elitist to their face & tell them they have no financial management skills. The only exceptions are severe physical injury or recent surgery, having a ton of luggage to take with you, a strict time deadline like catching a plane or train, not paying for it yourself or maybe being some mega-celebrity who'll get mobbed if they get on the subway. However, I hear there are celebrities who take the subway so that's not the greatest justification for it. Being rich also isn't an excuse to waste money.
If my mother, sister & oldest nephew (who was 3 at the time) took the subway and survived, there's no reason anyone else can't. They aren't city folk & if they weren't scared little babies about taking public transit, no one else gets to be in my presence. Quite a few LI folk my ex knew (including my MIL) were scared little crybabies about it.
You are NOT a real New Yorker if you can't handle the subway.
8. Giving to beggars/panhandlers: You are under NO obligation at all to give to them. In fact, it's illegal for them to solicit you. I have had people try to personally solicit me on the subway & walking around the city. I told the one on the subway about that law & he pretended not to hear me but backed off. There's also means to outcrazy the crazy if you need to.
Oh, and there are no panhandling hotties, male or female. Most of these people are scammers so don't follow altruistic instincts. If you seen someone falling & bleeding, just call the cops. Don't approach that person. Sane women will not hold it against you if you refuse to cater to panhandlers.
Physical deformities and children don't move me in light of people I know personally in those categories who have never resorted to harassing commuters for money.
9. Giving to performers & candy sellers: If you're moved to give to a good performer, why not? If they're bringing their A game & I feel like it, I might do it. My standards are high, though. Breakdancers, good actors, good singers, things that make me laugh or sheer honesty will make me consider it.
The people selling candy (usually young black men) can be awesome if their selection is good. On the further parts of the L in Brooklyn, they only seem to have peanut M&Ms and Welch's Fruit Snacks. But if someone's selling 100 Grand Bars or World's Finest Chocolate, I'll buy since they're harder to find & I like those. Candy bars are typically $1 each. These are different from beggars in my book since they're providing a useful good; I think the MTA ought to hire them to sell candy to commuters but that's just me.
You can also find churro sellers & cotton candy in some subway stations. I've only had the churros; if you don't care about messing up your clothes & need something really unhealthy, they're a good sugary snack. Their bags are also $1 & I believe you get 2-3 sticks of them.
10. Strangers approaching you: This is a frequent occurrence on the NYC streets and subway stations. 9 times out of 10, it will be a waste of your time. People will try handing you flyers, bothering you about petitions (they usually wear shirts advertising some cause), convert you to their faith, sell you things, etc. Avoid & ignore unless you dropped something & a stranger is giving it to you. That happens a lot in NYC (and they call us “rude”). If you didn't actually drop something or it's a religious proselytizer, just ignore that person.
Do NOT fall for the “Free Stress Test.” That's the Scientologists & they are a scary bunch. You are living under a rock if you don't know about that.
The religious nuts usually hang out in Union Square, Times Square & Broadway Junction. They also like to get on subways & preach at you, sometimes for multiple stops. Beggars usually move along quickly but some religious nuts will preach endlessly. Had a horrific experience on the J after getting back from Long Island one Thanksgiving. That is a moment you'll want that music player & ear buds.
11. NYC Attitude: It's survival of the fittest. Most of us walk fast. Subway delays drive us crazy since we have things to do, places to go & people to see. It's perfectly okay to take the empty seat in the subway (and if you give it up for a pretty girl, you'll get points for your chivalry), tell slow people & those blocking your path “excuse me” in a sharp tone, not fall for the extorted politeness some people try to pull (I told one guy that it wasn't how chivalry works since if you're just being polite for the praise, it defeats the purpose), even shove people out of the way to get on or off the subway. An MTA employee actually told us to do this to get on the subway when I was checking out the place I later moved into.
Don't worry about what people think of you. If you're going to be a NYC resident, you have no time to worry about offending people for not being the most polite person in America. You have to be tough & nasty sometimes.
Always look like you know where you're going, even if you don't. Those apps I mentioned will help you know what you're doing but if you need directions, ask an MTA employee or a cop. You could also ask random people if the train is going to a particular place & they'll usually tell you. Also, don't smile, pull out cash or maps; you will look like a tourist. I've seen people do this & been tempted to take advantage myself.
Feel free to yell out comments, give the finger or rage against assholery. I have serious pedestrian rage & road rage. Perhaps I do it in a way that makes people laugh (it lets me blow off steam) but if some jerk in a truck or a bus blocks my crosswalk, I will give them a dirty look or the finger. Same for people violating the traffic lights or who might dare to think to hit me while I'm crossing the street. Bike riders are especially notorious for violating crosswalks & zooming out when you've got the right of way. Just remember it's YOUR turf if you're a pedestrian.
You will know you are a true NYC resident when random people constantly ask you for directions & the bus tour guys don't approach you.
If you don't want to get stuck behind groups of tourists in places like Penn Station or Times Square, walk past the sidewalk on the road. You'll see the fast walkers over there, the people traveling with a purpose. You'll get where you're going a lot quicker doing that & it makes you look like you live here.
12. Subway Platforms/Temperature: Bundle up for the outside subway platforms. They get cold & windy. So does anyplace in NYC next to high buildings, near the water or where there's lots of traffic zooming by.
13. Suspiciously Empty Subway Cars: Don't go in these!!! They are empty for a reason, usually a very rank homeless person or odor, no A/C or heat or some other very good reason for it. This only applies to rush hour or where you see one empty car while the other ones are jam packed.
14. Public Transit to Avoid: Some routes are inevitable but if you can help it avoid the G and the J trains. Queens is a full on bus borough with some areas you can't get to on the NYC subway (Glendale & Maspeth to name 2 examples). I generally avoid the bus as much as I can since they are crowded, not as reliable and are more uncomfortable if they are crowded. This also goes for shuttle buses to replace subway routes. If you can avoid dealing with a shuttle bus, do it.
You'll thank me. I went through the hell of relying on the bus system in Atlanta so I know what I'm talking about.
15. Playing the Lawyer Card (if you are actually a lawyer; faking it is a felony in NY state): I encourage it & say it do it when necessary. I did it once when I was on a bus during a 90+ degree day where the driver had non-existent A/C on. I loudly talk about how some elderly person & children will collapse in the heat and own the MTA after the lawsuit. That driver cranked up the A/C real quick & I think I even referenced being an attorney as I did this so I could go represent that injured person.
16. NYC Residents Aren't Rude: We aren't. Generally if you leave people alone, they will leave you alone. If anyone gives you shit, see #11 & follow that. The motto here is “You leave me alone & I'll leave you alone.” Violation of that motto is bad business for all involved.
17. Find out about the Local Post Office, Police Precinct, FedEx & UPS: USPS tends to leave much to be desired in many parts of NYC. The one I had to deal with was horrid & known for being royally terrible, even on the Consumer Affairs Hotline. Yelp will come in handy for looking at reviews but if you can talk to people who live there about it, even better.
Same goes for the police precinct & the local UPS and FedEx locations. My police precinct was known for getting there too late to be effective & generally horrible. UPS also never left our packages or even rang our bell half the time. You had to go to a non-subway accessible location to get packages. I even had a UPS delivery guy bitch about carrying a heavy object we ordered up to my second floor apartment. FedEx was okay since you could sign an authorization allowing them to leave your delivery at the doorstep the next day & they followed that. As a rule, most package services won't do that unless you have a doorman or something.
Speaking of USPS, get the name of your local congress person. I once had to call up our local congresswoman when my post office “lost” a package of ours. After they investigated, it mysteriously turned up.
18. Grocery Stores: Grocery stores in NYC fall into 2 categories: expensive & shitty. You will get a better selection at stores in Long Island (having a car or a Zipcar membership will help).
The Food Emporium (an expensive grocery store) is owned by the same company that owns Waldbaums so if you have a Waldbaums discount card, you can use that at The Food Emporium.
19. Access to Bathrooms: Finding a bathroom in NYC without buying something in a business is a challenge. I'm going to make it easier for you & tell you where you can go for ones that have decent ladies rooms. The Grand Hyatt near Grand Central is a great restroom location. Hotel bathrooms in general are very nice, especially the one at The Plaza Hotel. I've never had problems getting into them & if you aren't a person of color or dress like a thug, you should be okay as well.
You can also use the bathroom in Starbucks if the Starbucks is big enough to have one; you don't have to buy anything first. There's also a bathroom at Brooks Brothers; I believe the one I went to was in the East 40s or 50s. You can also go to the Burlington Coat Factory near Union Square but the ladies room leaves much to be desired.
Apparently, you can also use bar bathrooms without buying things but some of those are TINY or really gross.
20. Libraries: NY Public all the way, at least in Manhattan. It's much cleaner, their policies strictly forbid nasty odors (basically, no homeless allowed) & they strike me as less likely to put up with thug shit. The branches I've been to are less sketchy. The Bronx & Staten Island are part of the NY Public library system.
I have no experience with Brooklyn but my experience with Queens is well documented. My ex still works at Queens Public.
21. Insurance: Car insurance here isn't that cheap. If you take a driving course, you can lower your car insurance rate.
22. Apartment Seasonal Norms: Landlords typically cover heat. If you have A/C units or some pump system, you're going to be paying $300+ a month in the summer for electric bills. However, you NEED A/C in the summer (at least this NC native does) if you want summer loving. It can get too hot for sex & I say that from experience. Plus, you might not want to go naked all the time if you don't have A/C. Most people can be horrendous to deal with if they are sweating their behinds off from no A/C; I know I can be a super bitch about it.
23. Quiet? Ha! You're not getting it here. Move to the suburbs if you want that. This is the city that never sleeps, unless you're in a more “family” oriented neighborhood & even then you've still got the subway and traffic.
24. Laundry: If you can get a washer & dryer in your place, you'll be a very happy person. I've met people who had smaller ones. Places with hookups can be hard to find. Most people have to go to laundromats, sometimes located a distance from where they are.
I used to get a laundry service to pick up & return our clothes since I hated the local laundromat (for good reason) & figured the cost evened out after we factored in gas, labor and washing materials to go to my MIL's house (the service provided detergent & rinse if you didn't have your own stuff you wanted to use).
Let's also not forget that laundromats have loud children running wild, annoying people & TVs blaring shows you have no interest in.
If you find yourself having to hang out in a laundromat, I suggest bringing a book or someone to make out with while you wait or it will be torture. Drying costs could also kill you; the standard is 25 cents for 8-9 minutes of drying.
25. Cell Reception: It's far from universal on the MTA.
Usually if the platform is outside, you'll get cell reception (though you'll freeze your butt off, at least I do).
The west side has more Wi-Fi than the east side in Manhattan. You won't get reception at Union Square, West 4th Street or the Atlantic Avenue-Barclays Center stops. You also won't get it on the L past 6th Avenue until you get to Wilson Avenue (but only if you're traveling to Brooklyn since that platform is outside but the one going to Manhattan isn't), again at Broadway Junction & any outside platforms past there.
You'll figure some of this out on your own or by reading Yelp reviews.
26. Meeting Women: It's not really kosher to try picking them up on the subway unless you can do it in a non-creepy way (say knocking into someone “accidentally” on a crowded train at rush hour or asking the time like the guy I told you about). Giving a compliment is also a little creepy & startling. Guys have tried picking me up on the subway & 9 times out of 10, it's creepy.
My suggestion if you don't want to go through friends or family is online dating sites. OkCupid has you answer a bunch of questions that they use to determine your match percentage. It is free.
You could also try stepping in to rescue her from a creep if you can tell she's uncomfortable. I'd appreciate a guy doing that for me, as long as he wasn't trying to extort politeness or sex from me.
* While we're on the subject of women, foreplay is your friend. Do NOT be the guy who refuses to engage in it. A good 90% of womankind loves foreplay & in my book, a guy not doing that is either a lazy, selfish prick or a rapist. Rapists don't care about the woman's comfort or enjoyment, as we all know. Ask yourself if you really want to be thought of as akin to a rapist.
When a guy tells me he doesn't like it or thinks it's a waste of time, I hear "I don't give a damn about your happiness or pleasure & only care about myself." Worse, I or any other woman could easily believe that you don't respect the word "no" or care if you put us in pain. Don't believe me? Go ask the source directly. Seek honest answers. Not a single woman I have ever met where the subject came up said she didn't like foreplay. Any who would consider themselves sexual beings have said they like foreplay to some degree. *
Just needed to say that last part. Debate me on it if you want but bring your A game if you dare to do it.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
A Word About Racism & the Greek System
I was just reading this article about the SAE incident. For those not familiar with it, someone on the party bus of this chapter at the University of Oklahoma decided to videotape & post a video of this fraternity singing a racist chant. The school reacted by getting rid of the chapter, expelling people & the national office came down on them as well. Big controversy in some corners of the world.
The author actually cited an incident that happened at my school. I remember it well since I was a sophomore at the time, a member of the Greek system (though we may not have even been a chapter by that point & didn't have a house) and found the whole incident appalling. Coming from Winston Salem, NC & a high school class that was 50/50 black to white along with having many good friends who were never "tokens" but simply my black friends who weren't cutting me down behind my back like plenty of white bitches in my class, I didn't get the whole racism of these guys. I've always felt like other minorities can understand each other in a way people who aren't don't get. It might be a different story & different struggles but there's still knowing what it's like to be ostracized, bullied, harassed & having an "otherness" about you that likely explains why I've had lots of friends who wouldn't be candidates for membership into the Aryan Nation or WASP.
For the record, the major offender in that incident was not SAE like this story portrays. Perhaps there were racists there or immature guys simply joining in out of peer pressure or drunken stupidity but the real offenders were this other fraternity that draped themselves in the Confederate flag on a regular basis & called themselves "Southern gentlemen." I also wasn't personally present to see this since I was in my dorm room & then read about it later when the Black Student Association at my school publicized it.
SAE was not a fraternity that my black male co-worker at the campus museum said he wouldn't set foot in for fear of being harmed while the one I mentioned as the major offender (and the reason I had nothing to do with Oglethorpe for many years) was. These were his words, not mine.
Oh, and lest you think it's a Southern Greek system thing or that sororities always side with the frats it's not & we don't. My own sisters were just as appalled by the whole thing, especially the ones from outside of Georgia who were not used to seeing this blatant racism in their faces. We were equal opportunity & started out running the gamut in terms of our membership; I & at least one other founding member would be livid if that weren't true in our chapter today. I've seen that equal opportunity reflected in other chapters and among other alumnae I've met over the years. I don't think a single one, regardless of where her chapter was, would be siding with the behavior of the frats in this story.
There was another incident my senior year involving KA concerning their Greek Week skit & Antisemitic remarks among other offensive things (again, not present for that one; I was working in my telephone interviewing job at the time--I heard about this from my own sisters). Aside from my own sorority sisters (some of whom were Jewish), a number of girls in another sorority (who also had Jewish members) were quite ticked off about that as I recall.
Now I support free speech but I don't support speech without consequences & you bet if you uttered a racial slur around me, you'd get hell for it considering you're trashing dear friends of mine, business associates and some people who were actually there for me in life while your sorry ass probably wasn't. I'm glad to see this university taking action; my school let KA get away with shit for years. They were far too lenient on them, especially considering we were supposed to be a "liberal arts" school.
I never had issues with the other frats. I didn't go to SAE & feel like I wasn't welcome or an outsider. Guys who were members there were nice to me; I remember one of their members once telling me I was welcome there anytime. In fact, I got that kindness at every frat other than the racist one. Our newer members got along with some members there but I remember we older ones didn't feel welcome or like we had a place there. Guess we figured Southern gentlemen exempt loudmouth feminists from their "gentlemanly" behavior. At least, I felt that way.
Oglethorpe was trying to increase their black student enrollment when I was there. With the presence of that frat & a number of well known and well regarded black schools in Atlanta, I didn't blame black kids for not wanting to enroll in the racist pit that I saw Oglethorpe being at the time. I was also pissed since I didn't enroll there to endorse racism or have it shoved in my face; I came there for the academics & the experience of living in a major city.
My attitudes on race are more nuanced since I know racism isn't just a white thing. It's an everybody thing. I also lived a lot of things in my youth & had parents who taught me better than some of these people's parents must have. No one was a "token" with my parents & if they called you a friend of theirs, you were lucky especially with my mother since she's semi-reclusive. I still wish we were in touch with my father's truck driver friend (who was half black, half Native American) since I wanted him to know about my father's passing & be able to pay his respects. They were really good friends & we actually went to his house, a rarity with my parents' friends. He wasn't one of my father's drinking buddies & my mom actually liked him and his wife.
I'm skeptical of the whole "educating" people idea unless maybe it involves having to deal with direct confrontation or just dealing with people in day to day life & seeing they're really not so different from you. Kind of like that episode of The Boondocks where Uncle Ruckus meets that country music singer who's a total racist & they get along so well in their racism of black people, they do a duet. Granted, Ruckus claims to have the reverse skin condition of Michael Jackson & that's he's really a white guy but it's an example of why The Boondocks is pure genius in its social commentary. See the first three seasons for yourself; I didn't see much of the fourth so I can't speak on that one. Overall, I feel like when people are adults, they are set on certain things & sometimes so much so even death, poverty or divorce won't change them. Death didn't change my ex though it did change me. Losing stability also changed me in some ways though perhaps it also amplified what I already had. You can carve out exceptions for people you befriend or meet but it's very hard to change things like racism or homophobia & you can't do it in a commanding fashion or by forcing change. You have to do it in more subtle ways.
You have to show examples of people who aren't living up to the negative stereotypes. I also think a huge key is showing how we're the same. There are universals to human experience in my view. Death, kids, animals, weather (good or bad), parents, authority figures, the incompetence of our "elected" officials, that kind of thing.
The author actually cited an incident that happened at my school. I remember it well since I was a sophomore at the time, a member of the Greek system (though we may not have even been a chapter by that point & didn't have a house) and found the whole incident appalling. Coming from Winston Salem, NC & a high school class that was 50/50 black to white along with having many good friends who were never "tokens" but simply my black friends who weren't cutting me down behind my back like plenty of white bitches in my class, I didn't get the whole racism of these guys. I've always felt like other minorities can understand each other in a way people who aren't don't get. It might be a different story & different struggles but there's still knowing what it's like to be ostracized, bullied, harassed & having an "otherness" about you that likely explains why I've had lots of friends who wouldn't be candidates for membership into the Aryan Nation or WASP.
For the record, the major offender in that incident was not SAE like this story portrays. Perhaps there were racists there or immature guys simply joining in out of peer pressure or drunken stupidity but the real offenders were this other fraternity that draped themselves in the Confederate flag on a regular basis & called themselves "Southern gentlemen." I also wasn't personally present to see this since I was in my dorm room & then read about it later when the Black Student Association at my school publicized it.
SAE was not a fraternity that my black male co-worker at the campus museum said he wouldn't set foot in for fear of being harmed while the one I mentioned as the major offender (and the reason I had nothing to do with Oglethorpe for many years) was. These were his words, not mine.
Oh, and lest you think it's a Southern Greek system thing or that sororities always side with the frats it's not & we don't. My own sisters were just as appalled by the whole thing, especially the ones from outside of Georgia who were not used to seeing this blatant racism in their faces. We were equal opportunity & started out running the gamut in terms of our membership; I & at least one other founding member would be livid if that weren't true in our chapter today. I've seen that equal opportunity reflected in other chapters and among other alumnae I've met over the years. I don't think a single one, regardless of where her chapter was, would be siding with the behavior of the frats in this story.
There was another incident my senior year involving KA concerning their Greek Week skit & Antisemitic remarks among other offensive things (again, not present for that one; I was working in my telephone interviewing job at the time--I heard about this from my own sisters). Aside from my own sorority sisters (some of whom were Jewish), a number of girls in another sorority (who also had Jewish members) were quite ticked off about that as I recall.
Now I support free speech but I don't support speech without consequences & you bet if you uttered a racial slur around me, you'd get hell for it considering you're trashing dear friends of mine, business associates and some people who were actually there for me in life while your sorry ass probably wasn't. I'm glad to see this university taking action; my school let KA get away with shit for years. They were far too lenient on them, especially considering we were supposed to be a "liberal arts" school.
I never had issues with the other frats. I didn't go to SAE & feel like I wasn't welcome or an outsider. Guys who were members there were nice to me; I remember one of their members once telling me I was welcome there anytime. In fact, I got that kindness at every frat other than the racist one. Our newer members got along with some members there but I remember we older ones didn't feel welcome or like we had a place there. Guess we figured Southern gentlemen exempt loudmouth feminists from their "gentlemanly" behavior. At least, I felt that way.
Oglethorpe was trying to increase their black student enrollment when I was there. With the presence of that frat & a number of well known and well regarded black schools in Atlanta, I didn't blame black kids for not wanting to enroll in the racist pit that I saw Oglethorpe being at the time. I was also pissed since I didn't enroll there to endorse racism or have it shoved in my face; I came there for the academics & the experience of living in a major city.
My attitudes on race are more nuanced since I know racism isn't just a white thing. It's an everybody thing. I also lived a lot of things in my youth & had parents who taught me better than some of these people's parents must have. No one was a "token" with my parents & if they called you a friend of theirs, you were lucky especially with my mother since she's semi-reclusive. I still wish we were in touch with my father's truck driver friend (who was half black, half Native American) since I wanted him to know about my father's passing & be able to pay his respects. They were really good friends & we actually went to his house, a rarity with my parents' friends. He wasn't one of my father's drinking buddies & my mom actually liked him and his wife.
I'm skeptical of the whole "educating" people idea unless maybe it involves having to deal with direct confrontation or just dealing with people in day to day life & seeing they're really not so different from you. Kind of like that episode of The Boondocks where Uncle Ruckus meets that country music singer who's a total racist & they get along so well in their racism of black people, they do a duet. Granted, Ruckus claims to have the reverse skin condition of Michael Jackson & that's he's really a white guy but it's an example of why The Boondocks is pure genius in its social commentary. See the first three seasons for yourself; I didn't see much of the fourth so I can't speak on that one. Overall, I feel like when people are adults, they are set on certain things & sometimes so much so even death, poverty or divorce won't change them. Death didn't change my ex though it did change me. Losing stability also changed me in some ways though perhaps it also amplified what I already had. You can carve out exceptions for people you befriend or meet but it's very hard to change things like racism or homophobia & you can't do it in a commanding fashion or by forcing change. You have to do it in more subtle ways.
You have to show examples of people who aren't living up to the negative stereotypes. I also think a huge key is showing how we're the same. There are universals to human experience in my view. Death, kids, animals, weather (good or bad), parents, authority figures, the incompetence of our "elected" officials, that kind of thing.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Applying for Public Assistance: A Lawyer's Journey
At some point in a messy divorce where your ex has stolen all the marital assets & decided to toss you out like garbage, you reach a point of last resort. You realize that you're going to have to do certain things to take care of yourself. One of those things you may choose to do is apply for public assistance i.e. welfare. I choose to call it public assistance since I am not a victim, do not seek to be on anyone's dime for the rest of my life & if you call me lazy, I'll punch your pampered little face so hard you'll never look normal again.
As you read this, think about your assumptions concerning public assistance & welfare. Now put those aside & look at reality.
Do you think a lawyer would never be put in this position? I suggest you take your head out of your ass & join us in the real world where the legal employment market is known for being "terrible" by those in the know i.e. people doing the actual job hunting and looking at ads. The ones who weren't born to money or bought their way into a high class rank or T1 law school.
My reasons for applying were numerous & one of them included actual need. The application process is not a bad thing. They put me in their Back 2 Work program & I even said that was fine since it's not that I don't want to work. Read that statement again if you are one of my nosy haters: I have no issue at all with working itself.
What I have an issue with is doing work that makes me feel degraded, demeaned, utilizes none of my actual skills & is simply a waste of my time due to salary, intelligence, workplace atmosphere, that type of thing. Would YOU do work fitting that category? If so, you are a damn idiot.
I am also not a person who responds to being treated like a 6 year old or like some victim you get to terrorize. This is true for just about everyone but doubly so if you're dealing with an intelligent person. In about 2 seconds of meeting me, everyone always tells me I'm smart and pretty.
When I started out, I figured the process would be degrading and humiliating. I expected obscene bureaucracy, rudness at every corner, no rational human beings for miles, nannying on a regular basis, that kind of thing.
The applying process itself & the Back 2 Work program process wasn't bad in my opinion. Yes, you should bring something to do & ideally either have something not based on power like a smartphone or an external charger so if your phone dies, you can charge it without needing a working outlet. I've spent much of my time writing and doing a word search puzzle book. Writing is a good catharsis for me but I need a huge one today.
The people I've dealt with at the Back 2 Work center get it. They get that some of us are smart, that aspects of the program aren't addressing our needs & we aren't benefited by customer service training or food handling certifications. I have 7 years of retail from high school & college. I am a partner in a business. I could teach a class on customer service skills; I am the last person who needs training in that.
I weigh 105 pounds & can lift about 20 without killing myself. Not the person you ask to do a heavy lifting job.
I am not mechanically inclined, am terrified of most insects, have sensitivity to strong odors & will likely throw up if I'm around something rank, have zero maintenance/manual labor experience (it's beneath my first jobs even off the books) and am probably the last person who should be doing that type of work. Not to mention I was told outright by someone who had me doing such tasks that I "am not a housekeeper."
Who would want to supervise someone who is so incompetent, ill equipped and just disinterested in such tasks? In what universe would putting someone like that in such a job be a good idea for anyone involved?
I'd heard clerical was a possibility which is not something I'd object to doing for public assistance benefits but I AM a licensed attorney.
NY state recently instituted a 50 hour pro bono requirement for all new attorneys. There's been all this talk about the accessibility gap due to attorney fees vs. potential clients. AND there's an overage of attorneys.
So if an attorney is on public assistance & has to work in order to receive them as required by the state, why in the Hell is that attorney NOT being assigned to work as an attorney in the court house or for a legal aid organization or for some private legal services group like the bar associations or some other program? Why are taxpayer funds being spent toward an attorney, licensed by the very same state instituting this work requirement, picking up garbage, doing maintenance tasks or even doing a clerical position having zero to do with that attorney's license to practice?
I know we don't have a surplus of public interest attorneys; you hear NOTHING about public interest work except how there are shortages & these organizations would love the help but don't have the salary to pay people.
Why is the state not doing something about this immediately? Let me also note some of these public interest jobs aren't exactly glamorous or things many attorneys really want to do. I'd actually not mind doing it since I come from a lower income world & now that I'm doing this experience, will be a far better public interest attorney than anyone else since I'll have actually LIVED it + could give someone practical tips about the process that most attorneys won't have a clue about. I also feel better helping others & it will give me perspective about my own troubles.
Who the hell came up with this gross misallocation of resources or thinks it's a good idea? Not a single person I have spoken to about this at the job center or at HRA thought it made sense. Not a single person who's actually listened when I presented this said "Yeah, we should waste everyone's time and resources in this way."
Who are these higher ups, these changemakers I should talk to about this? I want to know. The Task Force to Expand Access to Civil Legal Services hasn't bothered contacting me so I don't think they really give a shit about helping the underserved or putting legal service providers in touch with them.
The bar association presidents I have contacted in Manhattan do not give a shit about attorneys who can't afford their licensing fees or people being on public assistance. There is no legal "community" at all in my eyes & you have to wonder why any attorney would waste their time paying dues to an organization that will invest in fancy buildings and expensive parties but won't even create a fund for those attorneys down on their luck for whatever reason: drug/alcohol addiction, health concerns or simply marrying a total asshole who ripped the rug out from under you during a very hard time in your life.
That, if you have a shred of reading comprehension or common sense, should fucking explain in no uncertain terms why I feel there is ZERO legal community & think it's a total crock to hear anyone use that phrase.
Meanwhile, the people I have dealt with in this time have been kind and sympathetic to my situation vs. being the type of asshole trying to make you feel worse or throw you under the bus. I have also talked to people at this job center to find that apparently I am not the only person being underserved here or getting assigned to do tasks she has no aptitude, experience or interest in.
However, I might be the only person with enough bees in her bonnet and anger coursing through her to go make a huge public stink & attack the issue with the same gusto and verve that I used in dealing with other seemingly impossible fights other people wouldn't have taken on. I might be the only lady with a track record of fighting arbitrary, unfair policies imposing what I consider undue harm unto me. People hearing about that history never question why I'm an attorney.
As I've said before, I consider prostitution and stripping less degrading for me than doing manual labor. At least there I'd make real money & use some actual skills I have vs. doing something I not only hate with every fiber of my being but am not even good at.
If I joined the military, I wouldn't be doing front line infantry grunt work. They'd put me in JAG. The military knows that people aren't going to give their all or bother with something they are ill-suited for or think is beneath them. Why doesn't NY state or any other place with such ridiculousness get that?
Do I think manual labor is beneath me? Yes, I do. Ask any attorney whether they'd give up their legal job to work as a housekeeper or do custodial work for strangers at the average rate of pay for those jobs. I'm pretty sure zero would do that.
Ask any retail sales associate if they'd give up their retail job to work as a housekeeper or do custodial work for strangers at the average rate of pay for those jobs. I'm sure you'd get the same answer.
Just for the record, not MY fault or MY actions that caused all this. Look to my deadbeat soon to be ex-husband if you want to find fault here. If you think I planned or caused this shit, then you are a pampered, spoiled, piece of garbage who's never lived & deserves whatever karma feeds to them. I want you to suffer on the level of Job if you dare to assign blame to me or judge me in any fashion over what I have to do in order to survive and not let my shitty ex-husband or his relatives take everything I worked for away from me. I may not be religious but I do know my Baptist faith, thank you very much.
As you read this, think about your assumptions concerning public assistance & welfare. Now put those aside & look at reality.
Do you think a lawyer would never be put in this position? I suggest you take your head out of your ass & join us in the real world where the legal employment market is known for being "terrible" by those in the know i.e. people doing the actual job hunting and looking at ads. The ones who weren't born to money or bought their way into a high class rank or T1 law school.
My reasons for applying were numerous & one of them included actual need. The application process is not a bad thing. They put me in their Back 2 Work program & I even said that was fine since it's not that I don't want to work. Read that statement again if you are one of my nosy haters: I have no issue at all with working itself.
What I have an issue with is doing work that makes me feel degraded, demeaned, utilizes none of my actual skills & is simply a waste of my time due to salary, intelligence, workplace atmosphere, that type of thing. Would YOU do work fitting that category? If so, you are a damn idiot.
I am also not a person who responds to being treated like a 6 year old or like some victim you get to terrorize. This is true for just about everyone but doubly so if you're dealing with an intelligent person. In about 2 seconds of meeting me, everyone always tells me I'm smart and pretty.
When I started out, I figured the process would be degrading and humiliating. I expected obscene bureaucracy, rudness at every corner, no rational human beings for miles, nannying on a regular basis, that kind of thing.
The applying process itself & the Back 2 Work program process wasn't bad in my opinion. Yes, you should bring something to do & ideally either have something not based on power like a smartphone or an external charger so if your phone dies, you can charge it without needing a working outlet. I've spent much of my time writing and doing a word search puzzle book. Writing is a good catharsis for me but I need a huge one today.
The people I've dealt with at the Back 2 Work center get it. They get that some of us are smart, that aspects of the program aren't addressing our needs & we aren't benefited by customer service training or food handling certifications. I have 7 years of retail from high school & college. I am a partner in a business. I could teach a class on customer service skills; I am the last person who needs training in that.
I weigh 105 pounds & can lift about 20 without killing myself. Not the person you ask to do a heavy lifting job.
I am not mechanically inclined, am terrified of most insects, have sensitivity to strong odors & will likely throw up if I'm around something rank, have zero maintenance/manual labor experience (it's beneath my first jobs even off the books) and am probably the last person who should be doing that type of work. Not to mention I was told outright by someone who had me doing such tasks that I "am not a housekeeper."
Who would want to supervise someone who is so incompetent, ill equipped and just disinterested in such tasks? In what universe would putting someone like that in such a job be a good idea for anyone involved?
I'd heard clerical was a possibility which is not something I'd object to doing for public assistance benefits but I AM a licensed attorney.
NY state recently instituted a 50 hour pro bono requirement for all new attorneys. There's been all this talk about the accessibility gap due to attorney fees vs. potential clients. AND there's an overage of attorneys.
So if an attorney is on public assistance & has to work in order to receive them as required by the state, why in the Hell is that attorney NOT being assigned to work as an attorney in the court house or for a legal aid organization or for some private legal services group like the bar associations or some other program? Why are taxpayer funds being spent toward an attorney, licensed by the very same state instituting this work requirement, picking up garbage, doing maintenance tasks or even doing a clerical position having zero to do with that attorney's license to practice?
I know we don't have a surplus of public interest attorneys; you hear NOTHING about public interest work except how there are shortages & these organizations would love the help but don't have the salary to pay people.
Why is the state not doing something about this immediately? Let me also note some of these public interest jobs aren't exactly glamorous or things many attorneys really want to do. I'd actually not mind doing it since I come from a lower income world & now that I'm doing this experience, will be a far better public interest attorney than anyone else since I'll have actually LIVED it + could give someone practical tips about the process that most attorneys won't have a clue about. I also feel better helping others & it will give me perspective about my own troubles.
Who the hell came up with this gross misallocation of resources or thinks it's a good idea? Not a single person I have spoken to about this at the job center or at HRA thought it made sense. Not a single person who's actually listened when I presented this said "Yeah, we should waste everyone's time and resources in this way."
Who are these higher ups, these changemakers I should talk to about this? I want to know. The Task Force to Expand Access to Civil Legal Services hasn't bothered contacting me so I don't think they really give a shit about helping the underserved or putting legal service providers in touch with them.
The bar association presidents I have contacted in Manhattan do not give a shit about attorneys who can't afford their licensing fees or people being on public assistance. There is no legal "community" at all in my eyes & you have to wonder why any attorney would waste their time paying dues to an organization that will invest in fancy buildings and expensive parties but won't even create a fund for those attorneys down on their luck for whatever reason: drug/alcohol addiction, health concerns or simply marrying a total asshole who ripped the rug out from under you during a very hard time in your life.
That, if you have a shred of reading comprehension or common sense, should fucking explain in no uncertain terms why I feel there is ZERO legal community & think it's a total crock to hear anyone use that phrase.
Meanwhile, the people I have dealt with in this time have been kind and sympathetic to my situation vs. being the type of asshole trying to make you feel worse or throw you under the bus. I have also talked to people at this job center to find that apparently I am not the only person being underserved here or getting assigned to do tasks she has no aptitude, experience or interest in.
However, I might be the only person with enough bees in her bonnet and anger coursing through her to go make a huge public stink & attack the issue with the same gusto and verve that I used in dealing with other seemingly impossible fights other people wouldn't have taken on. I might be the only lady with a track record of fighting arbitrary, unfair policies imposing what I consider undue harm unto me. People hearing about that history never question why I'm an attorney.
As I've said before, I consider prostitution and stripping less degrading for me than doing manual labor. At least there I'd make real money & use some actual skills I have vs. doing something I not only hate with every fiber of my being but am not even good at.
If I joined the military, I wouldn't be doing front line infantry grunt work. They'd put me in JAG. The military knows that people aren't going to give their all or bother with something they are ill-suited for or think is beneath them. Why doesn't NY state or any other place with such ridiculousness get that?
Do I think manual labor is beneath me? Yes, I do. Ask any attorney whether they'd give up their legal job to work as a housekeeper or do custodial work for strangers at the average rate of pay for those jobs. I'm pretty sure zero would do that.
Ask any retail sales associate if they'd give up their retail job to work as a housekeeper or do custodial work for strangers at the average rate of pay for those jobs. I'm sure you'd get the same answer.
Just for the record, not MY fault or MY actions that caused all this. Look to my deadbeat soon to be ex-husband if you want to find fault here. If you think I planned or caused this shit, then you are a pampered, spoiled, piece of garbage who's never lived & deserves whatever karma feeds to them. I want you to suffer on the level of Job if you dare to assign blame to me or judge me in any fashion over what I have to do in order to survive and not let my shitty ex-husband or his relatives take everything I worked for away from me. I may not be religious but I do know my Baptist faith, thank you very much.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
The "Too Perfect" Problem; Society's Dirty Little Secret
Everyone tells you to be the best you can be. Have the greatest resume, look as cute as you can, strive for the best. If you're doing things right, you end up amassing great experiences, accomplishments, and get people who would love to be just like you. Maybe you're a professional athlete, a model, an attorney, a doctor, a millionaire from that great idea you came up with & was fortunate enough to find backers for. Whatever you end up doing, there's a dirty little secret society hasn't told you about: there is such a thing as being "too perfect."
Yes, you can be too smart, too good looking, too capable, too competent, too creative, too great. People will reject you in such pretty, nice ways but you know something? Rejection is still rejection & no matter what package you wrap it in or how pretty a bow you put on it, rejection still sucks.
I have encountered this problem in both job hunting and in my romantic life. It's patently obvious if you knew the history of my marriage, details about my ex-husband, the climate we were dealing with through the marriage & toward the ends that I got rejected for being "too" great & good. The consensus says it was due to my ex's emotional problems with his own self-worth & insecurities in his own head. You know, I'm here getting rejected for the very things society wants you to be. Society wants you to be smart, attractive, educated, affable, all that stuff.
Perhaps I'm an overachiever. There, I've said it. I was always getting the top grades in school, got a retail job at JcPenney at 15 & later worked at Godiva + did supervisory work, was a founding member of a sorority chapter, became a partner in a business, and keep making new contacts that have some influence someplace. I even have a law degree; graduating law school with something past a C average requires some overachiever tendencies.
I report to this job center as part of some tasks in my quest to survive in NYC with no traditional resources, a mission plenty of people wouldn't have the guts to embark on. I'm glad to finally have the advocacy I've never gotten in my own job searches & to find that, in fact, I've got a pretty fucking good idea of why I'm the prettiest wallflower at the school dance. Maybe certain people should have/ought to listen when I speak vs. pushing their own assumptions & agenda on me.
The lead source manager there, who I work with regularly, is a doll & when I do get my financial house in order I'm doing something very nice for her and that job center. Details on that will be coming when I talk about my experiences applying for public assistance in light of having a husband who treated his nearly 10 year relationship with me as disposable and worthless while kicking me while I'm down like that made him any sort of real man. At least no models will give him the time of day; this woman looks out for her own & wouldn't let some other girl make the mistake she did.
When I go to this job center, there are periods of waiting. I'm never simply waiting. I'll be talking to people, writing or doing this word search puzzle book I found & hadn't ever used. Perhaps I'll also start including reading in this gap if there's a nearby library I can check out & return books at easily. I also look at ads and do things to stimulate my mind since I'm not a person who wants to just sit around & do absolutely nothing. It's just not in my nature to be lazy, contrary to what certain hating assholes might have to say.
But, the "too perfect" problem: God forbid if you utilize your maximum potential in life because there are plenty of cases where you won't be financially rewarded for it or even get the guy/girl you want. If you're intelligent, the average employer just wants you to be a fucking, flaming idiot instead of using your brain & trying to make things in your job or in the business better. I've talked about this for years; it's "the dumbass theory." Apparently, instead of being your best in life what we're really supposed to be doing is feeding the fragile egos of middle managers & CEOs who can't stand on their own two feet or exhibit any real confidence to not be threatened by smarter or more resourceful people. You know, I could be a source that's with you to make things better or I can be your competition & hammer you into the ground. Being nice to me & having me as an ally could be a far better course of action, don't you think? I do. Too bad it feels like 99% of recruiters, employers and business owners don't view it that way.
Same with dating. God forbid you be pretty AND have a brain in your head (in some cases, let's include "not being a blonde"). Guys will reject you since they clearly can't handle a real woman who's got her own mind & doesn't "need" him (yet some of these same guys want the woman to bankroll him) but instead chooses him. No wonder women feel pressure to dumb themselves down.
My solution is to simply look for people who are as intelligent as me & can understand what I'm talking about. Or at the very least, find people who have security in themselves as human beings and aren't threatened by anyone else's greatness. I know another guy who's not high on looks or has limited education is going to ultimately get pissy at me for being smart & for being pretty. Yeah, sorry if you're a guy in that boat: you're probably not going to convince me you're any different unless you can show me real ambition or you're just relentless enough to wear me down (which is VERY tough to do).
I was trying to repel one guy friend for a good 7-8 years before I realized no matter how vicious, blunt or mean I was he wasn't going to let me push him out. Someone who doesn't let me push him away is a keeper; I'm not the easiest person to be friends with & will be a much harder person to have a romantic relationship with in light of this whole nasty divorce thing. Add this on top of never seeing a truly good, functional marriage up close & a general cynicism of life from living in the wrong place and you've got the ultimate prickly pear. You probably don't have 7-8 years or the kind of emotional constitution required to put up with a natural redhead even when she's in a good mood.
I need some peers who understand these problems. Been working my butt off to get those. I might be the perfect entrepreneur but you need money to invest in a business & yourself. I don't have a trust fund or come from money so just how am I supposed to do that? Anyone got any answers I've not thought of yet?
Also, who thinks it's really shitty that people should have to hide who they are or apologize for things God gave them in order to appease inferior assholes who have low self-esteem & zero security in themselves? I think it's a sad commentary on life. I wonder what we'd call the dumbass theory when it comes to dating; the average girl theory? Maybe "the goddess problem" works. If you're seen as a goddess, guys think you're unattainable & plenty won't bother trying. But why should we have to deny or pretend not to be goddesses if we clearly are? It's an aura. It's patently obvious. I see no need to try changing that about myself & find it sickening for anyone to even suggest I do it.
So kids, take note. Don't bother being an overachiever or aspiring to greatness, especially if you haven't got your own money for things. The second you do, especially if you're a woman, you'll have haters in authority trying to bring you down. You think the haters are only your peers or people below you on education or looks but they seem to be "leaders" who have long forgotten how to be good at being leaders. A real leader knows (s)he won't be around forever & isn't infallible; they know it's a good idea to keep the great on THEIR side, not leave that person to dangle & use that rejection to beat them mercilessly in business or some other metaphorical context.
I feel like I have to train myself to be a good dumbass or plain Jane in dealing with society instead of getting to be who I really am. That's why I feel it's necessary to network & find people who can at least see that frustration even if they don't personally experience that sort of rejection on a regular basis. So few actually get it & I know some dipshits will claim this is "pretty people problems." They would be highlighting exactly the fragile egos I hate being forced to appease.
Yes, you can be too smart, too good looking, too capable, too competent, too creative, too great. People will reject you in such pretty, nice ways but you know something? Rejection is still rejection & no matter what package you wrap it in or how pretty a bow you put on it, rejection still sucks.
I have encountered this problem in both job hunting and in my romantic life. It's patently obvious if you knew the history of my marriage, details about my ex-husband, the climate we were dealing with through the marriage & toward the ends that I got rejected for being "too" great & good. The consensus says it was due to my ex's emotional problems with his own self-worth & insecurities in his own head. You know, I'm here getting rejected for the very things society wants you to be. Society wants you to be smart, attractive, educated, affable, all that stuff.
Perhaps I'm an overachiever. There, I've said it. I was always getting the top grades in school, got a retail job at JcPenney at 15 & later worked at Godiva + did supervisory work, was a founding member of a sorority chapter, became a partner in a business, and keep making new contacts that have some influence someplace. I even have a law degree; graduating law school with something past a C average requires some overachiever tendencies.
I report to this job center as part of some tasks in my quest to survive in NYC with no traditional resources, a mission plenty of people wouldn't have the guts to embark on. I'm glad to finally have the advocacy I've never gotten in my own job searches & to find that, in fact, I've got a pretty fucking good idea of why I'm the prettiest wallflower at the school dance. Maybe certain people should have/ought to listen when I speak vs. pushing their own assumptions & agenda on me.
The lead source manager there, who I work with regularly, is a doll & when I do get my financial house in order I'm doing something very nice for her and that job center. Details on that will be coming when I talk about my experiences applying for public assistance in light of having a husband who treated his nearly 10 year relationship with me as disposable and worthless while kicking me while I'm down like that made him any sort of real man. At least no models will give him the time of day; this woman looks out for her own & wouldn't let some other girl make the mistake she did.
When I go to this job center, there are periods of waiting. I'm never simply waiting. I'll be talking to people, writing or doing this word search puzzle book I found & hadn't ever used. Perhaps I'll also start including reading in this gap if there's a nearby library I can check out & return books at easily. I also look at ads and do things to stimulate my mind since I'm not a person who wants to just sit around & do absolutely nothing. It's just not in my nature to be lazy, contrary to what certain hating assholes might have to say.
But, the "too perfect" problem: God forbid if you utilize your maximum potential in life because there are plenty of cases where you won't be financially rewarded for it or even get the guy/girl you want. If you're intelligent, the average employer just wants you to be a fucking, flaming idiot instead of using your brain & trying to make things in your job or in the business better. I've talked about this for years; it's "the dumbass theory." Apparently, instead of being your best in life what we're really supposed to be doing is feeding the fragile egos of middle managers & CEOs who can't stand on their own two feet or exhibit any real confidence to not be threatened by smarter or more resourceful people. You know, I could be a source that's with you to make things better or I can be your competition & hammer you into the ground. Being nice to me & having me as an ally could be a far better course of action, don't you think? I do. Too bad it feels like 99% of recruiters, employers and business owners don't view it that way.
Same with dating. God forbid you be pretty AND have a brain in your head (in some cases, let's include "not being a blonde"). Guys will reject you since they clearly can't handle a real woman who's got her own mind & doesn't "need" him (yet some of these same guys want the woman to bankroll him) but instead chooses him. No wonder women feel pressure to dumb themselves down.
My solution is to simply look for people who are as intelligent as me & can understand what I'm talking about. Or at the very least, find people who have security in themselves as human beings and aren't threatened by anyone else's greatness. I know another guy who's not high on looks or has limited education is going to ultimately get pissy at me for being smart & for being pretty. Yeah, sorry if you're a guy in that boat: you're probably not going to convince me you're any different unless you can show me real ambition or you're just relentless enough to wear me down (which is VERY tough to do).
I was trying to repel one guy friend for a good 7-8 years before I realized no matter how vicious, blunt or mean I was he wasn't going to let me push him out. Someone who doesn't let me push him away is a keeper; I'm not the easiest person to be friends with & will be a much harder person to have a romantic relationship with in light of this whole nasty divorce thing. Add this on top of never seeing a truly good, functional marriage up close & a general cynicism of life from living in the wrong place and you've got the ultimate prickly pear. You probably don't have 7-8 years or the kind of emotional constitution required to put up with a natural redhead even when she's in a good mood.
I need some peers who understand these problems. Been working my butt off to get those. I might be the perfect entrepreneur but you need money to invest in a business & yourself. I don't have a trust fund or come from money so just how am I supposed to do that? Anyone got any answers I've not thought of yet?
Also, who thinks it's really shitty that people should have to hide who they are or apologize for things God gave them in order to appease inferior assholes who have low self-esteem & zero security in themselves? I think it's a sad commentary on life. I wonder what we'd call the dumbass theory when it comes to dating; the average girl theory? Maybe "the goddess problem" works. If you're seen as a goddess, guys think you're unattainable & plenty won't bother trying. But why should we have to deny or pretend not to be goddesses if we clearly are? It's an aura. It's patently obvious. I see no need to try changing that about myself & find it sickening for anyone to even suggest I do it.
So kids, take note. Don't bother being an overachiever or aspiring to greatness, especially if you haven't got your own money for things. The second you do, especially if you're a woman, you'll have haters in authority trying to bring you down. You think the haters are only your peers or people below you on education or looks but they seem to be "leaders" who have long forgotten how to be good at being leaders. A real leader knows (s)he won't be around forever & isn't infallible; they know it's a good idea to keep the great on THEIR side, not leave that person to dangle & use that rejection to beat them mercilessly in business or some other metaphorical context.
I feel like I have to train myself to be a good dumbass or plain Jane in dealing with society instead of getting to be who I really am. That's why I feel it's necessary to network & find people who can at least see that frustration even if they don't personally experience that sort of rejection on a regular basis. So few actually get it & I know some dipshits will claim this is "pretty people problems." They would be highlighting exactly the fragile egos I hate being forced to appease.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Extortion Disguised As Politeness: Fuck You & Fuck You Too!!
I'm not sure if this is just a NYC thing or if it's a US thing or something that just happens everywhere. You're walking someplace & about to walk into the door of a building. There's someone in front of you going in who holds the door open. As you walk in, they loudly & nastily say "You're welcome."
Holding a door for someone is polite. Holding a door for an attractive woman if you are a guy is appreciated & that woman will think you're a chivalrous bastard (I use the term playfully here). Played properly, you might even be able to use that to meet this woman and go do wild, nasty things with her. Just depends on your personality and how confident you are in your meeting new people techniques.
But saying "You're welcome" loudly? That just makes you an extortionist scumbag. No one wanted or asked for your insincere politeness in the first place. I sure didn't ask you for any fucking favors. New York City folks have things to do, places to go, people to see & will damn well get there with or without your white knighting.
Encountered a guy waiting around this morning & held a door open for me so I could get through. When I'd not even fully gotten through that door, he goes "You're welcome" in this nasty tone. I go "Thank you" and then yell "That's not how chivalry works!"
I think the proper response to this should be "Thanks, asshole." Believe I will be remembering to do that next time.
What is the deal with this? Seriously. Do you need the "thank you" THAT badly? Can you be polite & a kind, conscientious citizen without having to get praised? Are you one of those special snowflake kids who needs a trophy even if he fumbles the ball, misses the goal or just completely fucks up in a sporting event b/c you "tried?" Or maybe you're the type of asshole who performs a good deed and then expects the person to be your slave or roll out a red carpet and kiss your toes, ass, ring, whatever anytime you walk out the door & insisting you are the best person to be born since Mother Teresa or some other great luminary the common people wouldn't dare disparage.
I hate, HATE people who do a good deed only b/c they want praise, adoration, a "thank you" or anything else other than the good feeling they should have by doing it. Holding the door open is not pulling my unconscious body out of a fire. It is not akin to representing me pro bono in my contested divorce or accidentially maiming the 10 people I hate most on this planet (just a random number; I'm sure I could come up with a list of people I hate most & why they deserve it but too busy with other things right now). It is not handing me millions of dollars tax free or getting me a lifetime supply of chocolate or even giving me 10+ orgasms in one night.
Nor is it akin to giving me a mansion on a tropical island that is now owned by me or getting me a staring role in a Hollywood feature film or killing all of the scummy lawyers who lie about giving a damn about people when they really just care about your net worth & the size of your paycheck. Yes, I'm about at the point where I say "Fuck all of you" with respect to attorneys who aren't my friends or who have shown me they give a damn about me the person.
Peforming a basic act of common courtesy does not make you Jesus. If you think it does, then don't bother. If you are performing such an act just for the praise, adoration of your peers, to impress dates, that kind of thing don't bother. That attitude is a huge reason I hate asking for favors from people; they act like they should be martyred & I should build a statue of their likeness so I can throw myself prostrate at it the second I wake up every single morning.
I consider this a form of extortion. You are told to say "thank you" for such acts & when someone isn't being a passive aggressive douchebag in performing common courtesy, chances are I will thank them or nod or something. But if I am preoccupied, listening to my music or who knows what, don't think saying "you're welcome" to me in a snotty tone is going to motivate me to give a damn about you. Do that to the wrong person & you could get shot sometime. Or maybe you'll get attacked. You ever think about that, hot shot?
I wonder if this just a NYC thing or if it happens in parts of the South or places where citizens are more likely to be carrying guns. I learned in my college Intro to Sociology class that Southerners on a whole are more aggressive & more likely to shoot you for offenses like harming a family member and the like. Perhaps this is my Southern upbringing showing?
I LOVE the chivalry. Men, take note: being chivalrous is a turn ON. Only insecure bitches & angry feminists who have mental issues get offended by a man being polite, chivalrous, all that good stuff. Those aren't the people sane, rational folk want to spend time with or have quality relationships with. If you are one of them, seek help.
Being an asshole is NOT, contrary to what Family Guy might tell you, a turn on for women you want to be involved with. Immature bitches with self-esteem problems might be okay with it but women getting out of bad marriages who have seen and dealt with things most people haven't at a young age just think you're immature, a bad person, maybe even a taker in bed.
Today is actually an auspicious day for me though at least I know this Valentine's Day will be better. No dealing with a jerky spouse who declares he "has no Valentine." My plans are secret, lest prying eyes want to spy on me or use my superiority against me in the divorce. I have to remember that Tina Turner got nothing in her divorce from Ike except her name & she had 4 kids to take care of along with being physically abused by him for years. She ended up doing better without him, as those of us familiar with basic pop culture know. If she could do that, why not me?
Holding a door for someone is polite. Holding a door for an attractive woman if you are a guy is appreciated & that woman will think you're a chivalrous bastard (I use the term playfully here). Played properly, you might even be able to use that to meet this woman and go do wild, nasty things with her. Just depends on your personality and how confident you are in your meeting new people techniques.
But saying "You're welcome" loudly? That just makes you an extortionist scumbag. No one wanted or asked for your insincere politeness in the first place. I sure didn't ask you for any fucking favors. New York City folks have things to do, places to go, people to see & will damn well get there with or without your white knighting.
Encountered a guy waiting around this morning & held a door open for me so I could get through. When I'd not even fully gotten through that door, he goes "You're welcome" in this nasty tone. I go "Thank you" and then yell "That's not how chivalry works!"
I think the proper response to this should be "Thanks, asshole." Believe I will be remembering to do that next time.
What is the deal with this? Seriously. Do you need the "thank you" THAT badly? Can you be polite & a kind, conscientious citizen without having to get praised? Are you one of those special snowflake kids who needs a trophy even if he fumbles the ball, misses the goal or just completely fucks up in a sporting event b/c you "tried?" Or maybe you're the type of asshole who performs a good deed and then expects the person to be your slave or roll out a red carpet and kiss your toes, ass, ring, whatever anytime you walk out the door & insisting you are the best person to be born since Mother Teresa or some other great luminary the common people wouldn't dare disparage.
I hate, HATE people who do a good deed only b/c they want praise, adoration, a "thank you" or anything else other than the good feeling they should have by doing it. Holding the door open is not pulling my unconscious body out of a fire. It is not akin to representing me pro bono in my contested divorce or accidentially maiming the 10 people I hate most on this planet (just a random number; I'm sure I could come up with a list of people I hate most & why they deserve it but too busy with other things right now). It is not handing me millions of dollars tax free or getting me a lifetime supply of chocolate or even giving me 10+ orgasms in one night.
Nor is it akin to giving me a mansion on a tropical island that is now owned by me or getting me a staring role in a Hollywood feature film or killing all of the scummy lawyers who lie about giving a damn about people when they really just care about your net worth & the size of your paycheck. Yes, I'm about at the point where I say "Fuck all of you" with respect to attorneys who aren't my friends or who have shown me they give a damn about me the person.
Peforming a basic act of common courtesy does not make you Jesus. If you think it does, then don't bother. If you are performing such an act just for the praise, adoration of your peers, to impress dates, that kind of thing don't bother. That attitude is a huge reason I hate asking for favors from people; they act like they should be martyred & I should build a statue of their likeness so I can throw myself prostrate at it the second I wake up every single morning.
I consider this a form of extortion. You are told to say "thank you" for such acts & when someone isn't being a passive aggressive douchebag in performing common courtesy, chances are I will thank them or nod or something. But if I am preoccupied, listening to my music or who knows what, don't think saying "you're welcome" to me in a snotty tone is going to motivate me to give a damn about you. Do that to the wrong person & you could get shot sometime. Or maybe you'll get attacked. You ever think about that, hot shot?
I wonder if this just a NYC thing or if it happens in parts of the South or places where citizens are more likely to be carrying guns. I learned in my college Intro to Sociology class that Southerners on a whole are more aggressive & more likely to shoot you for offenses like harming a family member and the like. Perhaps this is my Southern upbringing showing?
I LOVE the chivalry. Men, take note: being chivalrous is a turn ON. Only insecure bitches & angry feminists who have mental issues get offended by a man being polite, chivalrous, all that good stuff. Those aren't the people sane, rational folk want to spend time with or have quality relationships with. If you are one of them, seek help.
Being an asshole is NOT, contrary to what Family Guy might tell you, a turn on for women you want to be involved with. Immature bitches with self-esteem problems might be okay with it but women getting out of bad marriages who have seen and dealt with things most people haven't at a young age just think you're immature, a bad person, maybe even a taker in bed.
Today is actually an auspicious day for me though at least I know this Valentine's Day will be better. No dealing with a jerky spouse who declares he "has no Valentine." My plans are secret, lest prying eyes want to spy on me or use my superiority against me in the divorce. I have to remember that Tina Turner got nothing in her divorce from Ike except her name & she had 4 kids to take care of along with being physically abused by him for years. She ended up doing better without him, as those of us familiar with basic pop culture know. If she could do that, why not me?
Friday, January 2, 2015
2015: The Year of Financial Prosperity or Maybe Do or Die?
Last year, I said 2014 was going to be the year of change. At that time, I was in a marriage that had some problems but I had no clue just how deep they ran & how bad it really was. I still viewed it as a team effort, a "we're all in this together" type thing. There's also the idea that if you keep plugging away at your passion and what you care about, you'll get it. I'm still plugging away at mine and figured after doing things for so many years & making so many contacts, the odds were in my favor to see good things happen that could improve my financial state where it'd never feel like "work" or something burdensome I hated doing.
I also had the changes in my life from my father's death, asserting myself, dealing with the private student loan lender and the in-law strife. I thought the worst was behind us/me & it was all about sorting everything out. Little did I know...
As I see it, the minute you give up on your passion in full you might as well be dead. Why are you hanging around? What is the point of life and being on this planet if you've got absolutely nothing in life that makes you feel good, motivates you, inspires you, or that you give a damn about? Tons of lawyers seem to live that way. I thought not being married to an attorney meant I was okay in that.
Was I in denial? Maybe but it was much harder to pretend things were all good. I definitely didn't think things were great but figured those problems weren't insurmountable. I'm not a quitter & have not walked away from difficulties in life. If I leave something, it's because it really is a lost cause and impossible.
So many people I've known in this business haven't made it in NYC; it seems that struggle is even worse if you work in fashion. That is partly reassuring. Not b/c I like to see other people be miserable but b/c working in the business, I view it as an occupational hazard. It's like you're part of a club & others who do this can relate. For me, it's akin to going to law school & finding out your classmates are just as frustrated, stressed and scared of failure as you are. More of that "collective pain" stuff.
The worst arrived & my worst nightmare happened. So far, I'm surviving. In some ways, I'm even thriving. I know I'm thriving as a human being & in terms of my spirit. I'm thriving in terms of having new experiences, learning new things, getting more familiarity with other places and having done things I'd have never gotten to do if my marriage had survived another year. Any innocence I had left vanished but I have met new people in this world, some of whom probably care far more about me in the short time they've known me than my ex or his relatives ever did.
Am I missed? Does it matter? Will I find out another ex has come out of the closet? That would be an interesting hypothesis & if you think about it, it could make sense on some level. For one thing, you often hear about wives who won't give their husbands what they want sexually or fulfill those needs. That was not a problem with me & I couldn't see that ever being an issue. If general notions of the male mind can be believed, a guy is almost entirely ruled by his hormones & often thinks with the little head instead of the big one. If you follow that notion, if the little head is happy & satisfied the big head will put up with a lot to keep that feeling. The guy would certainly not throw away a woman of my caliber or care about the size of her paycheck when she's got her looks, brain, drive, ambition, health and determination (among other things I'm sure others will remind me of later).
For another, some insider knowledge I have lends credence to that theory. Insider knowledge about Psycho Boy lent much credibility to his later coming out of the closet. Maybe I should have known something was off when he told me he loved the song "Believe" by Cher & was watching Titanic that time?
* Note about me & the movie Titanic: I have never seen it & vow never to do so. I successfully avoided it when it came out, when my mother was watching it & if I've been able to avoid it this long, why stop that streak? I also got far too exposed to that Celine Dion song; I can sing Celine Dion but I'm really not a fan since I have more modern sensibilities and interests in my musical taste. My mother says "Modern Girl" is a perfect description of me. *
I swear to you I didn't suspect anything with Psycho Boy (he was my first & I wasn't exactly an expert on guys at that time; I also figured these were quirks considering he approached me first) but if my ex did later come out of the closet, it would at least save me some family guilt or hassle over being divorced by the more religious & "stay married unless the guy is beating you" types.
However, I don't like this idea that guys get involved with me and then come out of the closet. I'm not some wizard who makes seemingly hetero guys discover their love of other men. Seriously, I'm not. Nor do I think I'm that horrible as a human being.
It's pretty much impossible to stay married to someone who is completely incapable of being an adult & has zero appreciation of adult matters. Can't "stand by your man" when he just shits on your efforts to lift up the boat & takes all the credit for things going well when he didn't do the hard stuff to make that boat rise.
Essentially I am rebuilding what I did before. If I could do it once, I can do it again. This time, all by myself with no jerks depending on me or leeching off my drive, ambition, clever thoughts or whatever else I have in me that they don't.
I definitely got change & I got excitement, which was sorely missing in my old life. Some of those changes have been for the better & I most certainly have inspiration and things to draw on that most people don't. I've also seen married life & can tell you it's not as great as you think it is if you've never been married or have to face constant pressure from family and friends to "get married already."
I figured I'd be safe from problems not marrying a drinker, drug user or smoker. Nope, you can have serious problems no one wants to deal with without being a drinker, drug user, smoker or taking medication for mental illness. Gay or straight, don't think I'd ever want to deal with my ex. He wouldn't get my sympathy if he came out & got disowned by his entire family.
Finally, who'd ditch their "beautiful wife" who can cook & isn't an abuser or adulteress? Thank you for that, Talking Heads. Currently listening to "Once in a Lifetime."
Tomorrow isn't something I can predict (don't I wish? don't we all wish?) but I am trying to remember the guidance of those older, wiser and more savvy on this than me. I also try to remember that just the divorce alone would be way too much for most people to deal with, that there are others who have it far worse than me & "this too shall pass."
Eventually, this mess will be over & I won't be reminded every single day of being betrayed by the one person who is supposed to be there for you in sickness & in health, for richer or poorer. I can say with confidence I'd never go backwards or belittle myself by taking this man back if he asked. He couldn't if he wanted to; I'd never trust his ability to change as a human being. Even if he came back years later & said "You were right about everything."
I don't miss him or feel bad about losing HIM; would you if you were me? No, I'm just pissed about putting in my time, effort, blood, sweat, tears and efforts to raise up a spoiled, unappreciative loser who'll likely be going nowhere & still be nowhere in 10 years. Since I don't define success by money, I consider myself more successful as a human being and as a thinker/scrapper who's had to fight for things and make harder choices to get there. At least there are men in this world who are men a woman can stand by & who she doesn't have to take care of or babysit. Divorce is in my experience a regression & akin to having your spouse die, at least for me.
Maybe in some ways divorce hurts more than your spouse dying since if your spouse died, they probably didn't choose to leave you. Getting ambushed just sucks & will test you emotionally. Bear with people who've had that happen, especially if they never loved anyone before or came from a dysfunctional family and life that didn't give them a good picture of marriage or human trust.
Weird how I can be tired but then writing inspiration hits and the next thing I know, I've been up for hours. Not sure why that happens. I say 2015 will be the year of financial prosperity since it's about freaking time & sooner or later, I either succeed or completely fail at everything I've spent my entire life on. I'd like to think I've not had this journey and done what I have to just end up with nothing in the end. That would violate the basic principles of God, karma and the universe. Hopefully, some healing will happen as well.
I also had the changes in my life from my father's death, asserting myself, dealing with the private student loan lender and the in-law strife. I thought the worst was behind us/me & it was all about sorting everything out. Little did I know...
As I see it, the minute you give up on your passion in full you might as well be dead. Why are you hanging around? What is the point of life and being on this planet if you've got absolutely nothing in life that makes you feel good, motivates you, inspires you, or that you give a damn about? Tons of lawyers seem to live that way. I thought not being married to an attorney meant I was okay in that.
Was I in denial? Maybe but it was much harder to pretend things were all good. I definitely didn't think things were great but figured those problems weren't insurmountable. I'm not a quitter & have not walked away from difficulties in life. If I leave something, it's because it really is a lost cause and impossible.
So many people I've known in this business haven't made it in NYC; it seems that struggle is even worse if you work in fashion. That is partly reassuring. Not b/c I like to see other people be miserable but b/c working in the business, I view it as an occupational hazard. It's like you're part of a club & others who do this can relate. For me, it's akin to going to law school & finding out your classmates are just as frustrated, stressed and scared of failure as you are. More of that "collective pain" stuff.
The worst arrived & my worst nightmare happened. So far, I'm surviving. In some ways, I'm even thriving. I know I'm thriving as a human being & in terms of my spirit. I'm thriving in terms of having new experiences, learning new things, getting more familiarity with other places and having done things I'd have never gotten to do if my marriage had survived another year. Any innocence I had left vanished but I have met new people in this world, some of whom probably care far more about me in the short time they've known me than my ex or his relatives ever did.
Am I missed? Does it matter? Will I find out another ex has come out of the closet? That would be an interesting hypothesis & if you think about it, it could make sense on some level. For one thing, you often hear about wives who won't give their husbands what they want sexually or fulfill those needs. That was not a problem with me & I couldn't see that ever being an issue. If general notions of the male mind can be believed, a guy is almost entirely ruled by his hormones & often thinks with the little head instead of the big one. If you follow that notion, if the little head is happy & satisfied the big head will put up with a lot to keep that feeling. The guy would certainly not throw away a woman of my caliber or care about the size of her paycheck when she's got her looks, brain, drive, ambition, health and determination (among other things I'm sure others will remind me of later).
For another, some insider knowledge I have lends credence to that theory. Insider knowledge about Psycho Boy lent much credibility to his later coming out of the closet. Maybe I should have known something was off when he told me he loved the song "Believe" by Cher & was watching Titanic that time?
* Note about me & the movie Titanic: I have never seen it & vow never to do so. I successfully avoided it when it came out, when my mother was watching it & if I've been able to avoid it this long, why stop that streak? I also got far too exposed to that Celine Dion song; I can sing Celine Dion but I'm really not a fan since I have more modern sensibilities and interests in my musical taste. My mother says "Modern Girl" is a perfect description of me. *
I swear to you I didn't suspect anything with Psycho Boy (he was my first & I wasn't exactly an expert on guys at that time; I also figured these were quirks considering he approached me first) but if my ex did later come out of the closet, it would at least save me some family guilt or hassle over being divorced by the more religious & "stay married unless the guy is beating you" types.
However, I don't like this idea that guys get involved with me and then come out of the closet. I'm not some wizard who makes seemingly hetero guys discover their love of other men. Seriously, I'm not. Nor do I think I'm that horrible as a human being.
It's pretty much impossible to stay married to someone who is completely incapable of being an adult & has zero appreciation of adult matters. Can't "stand by your man" when he just shits on your efforts to lift up the boat & takes all the credit for things going well when he didn't do the hard stuff to make that boat rise.
Essentially I am rebuilding what I did before. If I could do it once, I can do it again. This time, all by myself with no jerks depending on me or leeching off my drive, ambition, clever thoughts or whatever else I have in me that they don't.
I definitely got change & I got excitement, which was sorely missing in my old life. Some of those changes have been for the better & I most certainly have inspiration and things to draw on that most people don't. I've also seen married life & can tell you it's not as great as you think it is if you've never been married or have to face constant pressure from family and friends to "get married already."
I figured I'd be safe from problems not marrying a drinker, drug user or smoker. Nope, you can have serious problems no one wants to deal with without being a drinker, drug user, smoker or taking medication for mental illness. Gay or straight, don't think I'd ever want to deal with my ex. He wouldn't get my sympathy if he came out & got disowned by his entire family.
Finally, who'd ditch their "beautiful wife" who can cook & isn't an abuser or adulteress? Thank you for that, Talking Heads. Currently listening to "Once in a Lifetime."
Tomorrow isn't something I can predict (don't I wish? don't we all wish?) but I am trying to remember the guidance of those older, wiser and more savvy on this than me. I also try to remember that just the divorce alone would be way too much for most people to deal with, that there are others who have it far worse than me & "this too shall pass."
Eventually, this mess will be over & I won't be reminded every single day of being betrayed by the one person who is supposed to be there for you in sickness & in health, for richer or poorer. I can say with confidence I'd never go backwards or belittle myself by taking this man back if he asked. He couldn't if he wanted to; I'd never trust his ability to change as a human being. Even if he came back years later & said "You were right about everything."
I don't miss him or feel bad about losing HIM; would you if you were me? No, I'm just pissed about putting in my time, effort, blood, sweat, tears and efforts to raise up a spoiled, unappreciative loser who'll likely be going nowhere & still be nowhere in 10 years. Since I don't define success by money, I consider myself more successful as a human being and as a thinker/scrapper who's had to fight for things and make harder choices to get there. At least there are men in this world who are men a woman can stand by & who she doesn't have to take care of or babysit. Divorce is in my experience a regression & akin to having your spouse die, at least for me.
Maybe in some ways divorce hurts more than your spouse dying since if your spouse died, they probably didn't choose to leave you. Getting ambushed just sucks & will test you emotionally. Bear with people who've had that happen, especially if they never loved anyone before or came from a dysfunctional family and life that didn't give them a good picture of marriage or human trust.
Weird how I can be tired but then writing inspiration hits and the next thing I know, I've been up for hours. Not sure why that happens. I say 2015 will be the year of financial prosperity since it's about freaking time & sooner or later, I either succeed or completely fail at everything I've spent my entire life on. I'd like to think I've not had this journey and done what I have to just end up with nothing in the end. That would violate the basic principles of God, karma and the universe. Hopefully, some healing will happen as well.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Lawyers (Especially Divorce Lawyers): Stop Pretending You Give a Damn!!!
You know how family & divorce attorneys have these grand websites telling you how much they care about their clients & how much pro bono work/helping others they do? Well, in my experience that is total & utter bullshit.
The only time any of these people care is if you've got thousands of dollars to pay a retainer. I have encountered exactly zero family law attorneys, even among people I know, who have said "Here, Angry Redheaded Lawyer let me alleviate your stress & help you on this divorce against your ex's pro attorney." I've not had any type of regard shown for me by actual divorce attorneys in my region who know this area & could help me if they had half a mind to or even some tiny shred of empathy for me.
Realistically, legal aid is not a good option for someone who is an attorney, needs legal counsel at once & is being argued against a man so scummy he had the gall to ask for maintenance and counsel fees from someone who's got NOTHING whatsoever because he stole it all AND illegally evicted her with the help of the landlord.
If you were in this situation & yourself an attorney in need, wouldn't you find it incredibly hypocritical to find some divorce attorney's website saying they care about their clients & do all this pro bono work when they refuse to bother to help you or do anything useful? Not even saying something like "You are a stronger person than me" or "You are stronger than most people because you haven't developed a substance abuse problem, gone insane or crawled back to Mommy & Daddy's after all that. I admire you for it."
Turning away someone when they ask for help, especially if they aren't the type of person who likes asking in the first place, is how suicide and downfalls happen. Without going into too much detail, I have still managed to stay in the Tri-State area & haven't gotten addicted to drugs or alcohol, attempted suicide, gotten committed to an insane asylum or crawled right back to Mommy and Daddy's house. In some ways, life is better for me now than it was with my ex.
Some of you should ask yourselves what you'd do if my situation happened to YOU. What would you do? Where would you be? How would you cope? If you think things would be 100% peachy keen, you're dead wrong. Even if you had a million dollars, you'd still have the emotional stuff to deal with & it would be very tempting to go buy some drugs or alcohol to muffle your pain. Imagine that your entire life, everything you knew for years, was gone. Everything is turned upside down & you had to fight to keep vestiges from your whole life and not end up in a full regression. Divorce is very much a regression along with a grieving period. I dare anyone who'd judge me or diss me to live a few months in my shoes. Give up your creature comforts, your easy money, a steady job, nearness to your family & see what happens. I think I'm entitled to some "props" and a little moral superiority if I look down on you for not being able to hack it as well as me.
I'd bet you if I were to kill myself or end up in legal trouble for drunk driving or drugs or got committed, these same people would be all sad & say "I wish I could have helped," "I had no idea" & "What could I have done?" Ha! I've given you the answer and you ignored it. These people would try turning my death or downfall into some great unsolvable tragedy when they in fact simply failed as human beings & did nothing. That is something I'd want these jerks to take with them & feel.
Unlike some of these lawyers who put on shows about how great they are as humanitarians, I've actually helped people for free before. Advice, sending sample forms, I've done that for colleagues. I've stood by my friends & if they were in dire straits & needed MY help, I wouldn't be a callous bitch refusing to do something I could easily do for them.
In the entertainment field, there are people who'd have your back and give a damn about not adding to your stress. People who actually ARE humanitarian in their nature, who will do for you instead of being a bloodsucking, lying asshole pretending to care when what they care about is the size of your wallet. There is SOME professional courtesy in the entertainment field that I'm not seeing in the legal field. I sure hope these people don't think I'd hire them if I had the money to retain them. If I had the money, I wouldn't bother with anyone I've contacted since they have proven to be total liars, completely unsympathetic & reinforcing my full on hatred of attorneys.
If you wanted to know why I won't do for other attorneys the way I do for other creatives, this is your answer. Producers & directors tend to help their friends and hire them for things. There's apparently zero friendship with your so-called attorney "friends" when you actually need their services & they could help you but just don't bother. Some could certainly afford it & frankly, my finances are likely in far worse shape than many of theirs at this point since I didn't talk to newbies just starting out. People in the entertainment industry will even help strangers in need sometimes. It seems attorneys don't do that, at least in divorce law. I've been told of attorneys who did barter with some clients. No one has offered that with me or bothered to be creative in things.
How many of you are sitting unemployed right now? Who will get off your ass & maybe actually HELP someone, even your own peers? I know how the game works, I know what legal aid offers & how that deal works so I get very insulted when people suggest that like I have no knowledge or thought of that. Let's get serious here.
So, there's a prime example of blatant hypocrisy for you & a damn good reason to hate lawyers. If I do a job website & ads I'm not going to say I "care" or that I do "pro bono" efforts when I don't. These attorneys should just say "if you can't afford my retainer, I don't care if your ex has the top divorce attorney in the country & you're broke with no rich people or good credit to get money from; I don't give a damn & wouldn't shed a tear if you died, had a nervous breakdown, ended up homeless or had your entire quality of life vanish b/c of the inaction of me and every other divorce attorney in this town."
People keep telling me to "move on" but how does one move on when they have to confront that reality of divorce all the time by having to represent themselves & handle it all by themselves, especially when their opposition is a spoiled brat with expert legal counsel they'd never be able to afford without Mommy & Daddy? That situation makes it impossible for me to move on so if you want me to stop talking about or dealing with it, how about getting me a divorce lawyer?
You'd think at the very least, some divorce attorney would like the challenge, have the Christmas spirit, want to help their own, have some righteous indignation at spoiled brat man children who treat their wives the way mine treated me after (my father died 9 months beforehand, by the way) or want to get in my good graces since if I can afford one, I sure won't hire anyone I contacted & especially not anyone who makes this big show of claiming to be SOOOO caring and humane when they aren't at all. Honesty will win points with me. Reinforcing my hatred of lawyers as a group will not; it simply makes me all the more wary & hostile toward them.
So if you're an attorney reaching out & I ask you certain questions or feel wary of you, that is why. Don't tell me "you shouldn't handle your own divorce" then have zero practical steps for me to not do that. It's just like with job hunts; everyone can give you pat answers & advice but never provide you actual contacts or an interview opportunity to really help you. Pat answers & advice are a waste of everyone's time. If you don't have actual knowledge on someone's problem, it's best to keep your mouth shut.
The only time any of these people care is if you've got thousands of dollars to pay a retainer. I have encountered exactly zero family law attorneys, even among people I know, who have said "Here, Angry Redheaded Lawyer let me alleviate your stress & help you on this divorce against your ex's pro attorney." I've not had any type of regard shown for me by actual divorce attorneys in my region who know this area & could help me if they had half a mind to or even some tiny shred of empathy for me.
Realistically, legal aid is not a good option for someone who is an attorney, needs legal counsel at once & is being argued against a man so scummy he had the gall to ask for maintenance and counsel fees from someone who's got NOTHING whatsoever because he stole it all AND illegally evicted her with the help of the landlord.
If you were in this situation & yourself an attorney in need, wouldn't you find it incredibly hypocritical to find some divorce attorney's website saying they care about their clients & do all this pro bono work when they refuse to bother to help you or do anything useful? Not even saying something like "You are a stronger person than me" or "You are stronger than most people because you haven't developed a substance abuse problem, gone insane or crawled back to Mommy & Daddy's after all that. I admire you for it."
Turning away someone when they ask for help, especially if they aren't the type of person who likes asking in the first place, is how suicide and downfalls happen. Without going into too much detail, I have still managed to stay in the Tri-State area & haven't gotten addicted to drugs or alcohol, attempted suicide, gotten committed to an insane asylum or crawled right back to Mommy and Daddy's house. In some ways, life is better for me now than it was with my ex.
Some of you should ask yourselves what you'd do if my situation happened to YOU. What would you do? Where would you be? How would you cope? If you think things would be 100% peachy keen, you're dead wrong. Even if you had a million dollars, you'd still have the emotional stuff to deal with & it would be very tempting to go buy some drugs or alcohol to muffle your pain. Imagine that your entire life, everything you knew for years, was gone. Everything is turned upside down & you had to fight to keep vestiges from your whole life and not end up in a full regression. Divorce is very much a regression along with a grieving period. I dare anyone who'd judge me or diss me to live a few months in my shoes. Give up your creature comforts, your easy money, a steady job, nearness to your family & see what happens. I think I'm entitled to some "props" and a little moral superiority if I look down on you for not being able to hack it as well as me.
I'd bet you if I were to kill myself or end up in legal trouble for drunk driving or drugs or got committed, these same people would be all sad & say "I wish I could have helped," "I had no idea" & "What could I have done?" Ha! I've given you the answer and you ignored it. These people would try turning my death or downfall into some great unsolvable tragedy when they in fact simply failed as human beings & did nothing. That is something I'd want these jerks to take with them & feel.
Unlike some of these lawyers who put on shows about how great they are as humanitarians, I've actually helped people for free before. Advice, sending sample forms, I've done that for colleagues. I've stood by my friends & if they were in dire straits & needed MY help, I wouldn't be a callous bitch refusing to do something I could easily do for them.
In the entertainment field, there are people who'd have your back and give a damn about not adding to your stress. People who actually ARE humanitarian in their nature, who will do for you instead of being a bloodsucking, lying asshole pretending to care when what they care about is the size of your wallet. There is SOME professional courtesy in the entertainment field that I'm not seeing in the legal field. I sure hope these people don't think I'd hire them if I had the money to retain them. If I had the money, I wouldn't bother with anyone I've contacted since they have proven to be total liars, completely unsympathetic & reinforcing my full on hatred of attorneys.
If you wanted to know why I won't do for other attorneys the way I do for other creatives, this is your answer. Producers & directors tend to help their friends and hire them for things. There's apparently zero friendship with your so-called attorney "friends" when you actually need their services & they could help you but just don't bother. Some could certainly afford it & frankly, my finances are likely in far worse shape than many of theirs at this point since I didn't talk to newbies just starting out. People in the entertainment industry will even help strangers in need sometimes. It seems attorneys don't do that, at least in divorce law. I've been told of attorneys who did barter with some clients. No one has offered that with me or bothered to be creative in things.
How many of you are sitting unemployed right now? Who will get off your ass & maybe actually HELP someone, even your own peers? I know how the game works, I know what legal aid offers & how that deal works so I get very insulted when people suggest that like I have no knowledge or thought of that. Let's get serious here.
So, there's a prime example of blatant hypocrisy for you & a damn good reason to hate lawyers. If I do a job website & ads I'm not going to say I "care" or that I do "pro bono" efforts when I don't. These attorneys should just say "if you can't afford my retainer, I don't care if your ex has the top divorce attorney in the country & you're broke with no rich people or good credit to get money from; I don't give a damn & wouldn't shed a tear if you died, had a nervous breakdown, ended up homeless or had your entire quality of life vanish b/c of the inaction of me and every other divorce attorney in this town."
People keep telling me to "move on" but how does one move on when they have to confront that reality of divorce all the time by having to represent themselves & handle it all by themselves, especially when their opposition is a spoiled brat with expert legal counsel they'd never be able to afford without Mommy & Daddy? That situation makes it impossible for me to move on so if you want me to stop talking about or dealing with it, how about getting me a divorce lawyer?
You'd think at the very least, some divorce attorney would like the challenge, have the Christmas spirit, want to help their own, have some righteous indignation at spoiled brat man children who treat their wives the way mine treated me after (my father died 9 months beforehand, by the way) or want to get in my good graces since if I can afford one, I sure won't hire anyone I contacted & especially not anyone who makes this big show of claiming to be SOOOO caring and humane when they aren't at all. Honesty will win points with me. Reinforcing my hatred of lawyers as a group will not; it simply makes me all the more wary & hostile toward them.
So if you're an attorney reaching out & I ask you certain questions or feel wary of you, that is why. Don't tell me "you shouldn't handle your own divorce" then have zero practical steps for me to not do that. It's just like with job hunts; everyone can give you pat answers & advice but never provide you actual contacts or an interview opportunity to really help you. Pat answers & advice are a waste of everyone's time. If you don't have actual knowledge on someone's problem, it's best to keep your mouth shut.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
And The Stalkers Are Popping Out
The last time I was single, I had a few problems with guys refusing to leave me alone. I didn't want to tell them where I was or what I was doing for fear they were going to show up & bother me. To get rid of the 2 ex-boyfriend turned stalkers I had (one even went to my parents' house on Thanksgiving & left this wrought note about how his life was nothing without me, among other things), I had to tell one I had a boyfriend and the other that I was attending law school in a different state from where I was actually going.
For those of you who haven't had them, let's define what a stalker is. A stalker is someone who refuses to leave you alone. Someone who can't go live their own life & allow you to live yours. Oh, no! That would be too much for them.
Let someone go about their merry way & NOT bother them? God forbid!
I consider stalking as banal as saying "hi" to me at an event when I don't want to talk to you & have made that abundantly clear. When I cut you out, you are to be dead to me. I don't want to know you are still roaming this planet or NYC or wherever I happen to be.
One of my biggest pet peeves is someone still trying to talk to me when I have A) blocked them on social media, B) blocked their phone number, C) blocked their e-mail, D) said "I do not want to talk to you anymore," E) got my personal property out of their place or F) did anything that would make a rational, sane person say "You know something? She doesn't want anything to do with me. Maybe I should leave her alone."
Another huge pet peeve of mine is guys getting way too damn clingy & saying things that they have no grounds for. Case in point: I go to a networking event weeks back. Being where I am in life right now, I'm not as prompt in follow ups as I'd usually be. I go to networking events with the express purpose of networking & making business contacts. This is the same reason I use LinkedIn.
I DO NOT go to these events or use LinkedIn to have guys hit on me, call me "babe" (outside of a general entertainment industry context where they just call every female or everyone that) or declare their love. In the past week, I have had a total of 5 guys harass me or declare feelings they've got no business having.
1. A former friend/person I had an involvement with who has long since been blocked, told "I'm not interested," that kind of thing approaches me at an event. It startled me & frankly I didn't want to deal with it so I dashed off.
On my way to find someone more desirable to talk to (usually a cute guy by himself), I get a text message from another guy I had no interest in. This one revealed himself to be a Jesus freak & the thing that made me not want to speak to him further was his little sermon on the evils of pre-marital sex. The genie is out of that bottle, dude!
2. The Jesus freak says "hi," despite the last conversation where I said he should find someone more suited to him & his beliefs than me since he was not going to "save" me and I knew way too much about the Christian faith to be swayed by any attempt to make me into the frump they'd all love.
3. I go to a fashion show & meet a guy from Italy who says he'd like to learn American English. He instantly asks me if I'd want a serious relationship alongside telling me I'm "beautiful" and how great my eyes are. Had a friend with me I was trying to help forge business contacts & he was going to contact this guy.
The next day this guy is sending me text to e-mail messages & veers away from polite, normal topics into "I need your love. I need you."
Uh, no you do NOT "need" me!!!!! You had a 5 minute conversation with me after a fashion show & I left since my ride for the evening had to go. No way did you get to know me well enough to assess whether you "need" me or not.
If you get emotionally attached to someone that quickly, there is no hope for you in this life. There is definitely no hope for me if that's how all guys are going to react to me.
4. I get a connection request from LinkedIn from this guy who is a diver & has a mutual contact. Generally, I'm liberal on who I accept connection requests from on there since you never know who might be a useful or beneficial contact. If it's not someone trying to have a million contacts they never speak to, I'll generally approve. After all, you're getting the vanilla version of me on there so it's not like someone's going to be overcome by the vapors by having me as a connection. A Facebook friend, perhaps but NOT a LinkedIn connection.
Recently, I had to add my picture to my LinkedIn page. This is because I got a sponsored ad from Avvo offering very good terms & used my headshot pic that is on my company's website as well as my IMDB profile. I figured it wouldn't hurt to maintain some consistency.
I'm still very resistant to having a profile pic on there & I suppose this most recent experience illustrates why.
No sooner than I approve this request, I get a message asking me if I'd consider "a serious relationship." He talks about true love flourishing, calls me "babe" & tells me to respond to his personal e-mail address if I am interested.
I wrote a response a few days later since at first I'm thinking "Was I just propositioned on here?" Who calls a woman he's not married to or dating "babe" in a LinkedIn message? I'm also thinking to myself "Is this guy offering to be my sugar daddy or something?" I've gotten quite a few in-person offers for that stuff that I may have mentioned before. How, I don't know. I did nothing particularly special, just be myself & show up. Maybe it's part of 2.0 stuff & the new order.
5. Yesterday, while I'm going about my business & dealing with tasks at hand I get an e-mail from a guy I met at a networking event ages back. He sends me a pic of a rose & says "i remember you very week...i think of you every days, please reply to me."
Then he signs off with "Kisses"
I want to know: what the holy fuck?!?!?!?
First off, I might be pretty & I might be a great conversationalist with a sense of humor but I'm not so sure it warrants that type of reaction. Men falling in love with me in 5 minutes by just having a conversation with me & not even seeing me naked? I'm highly skeptical of that claim.
I at least had sex with some of these stalkers & maybe a reaction like that afterwards is understandable. Not to brag or anything but natural redheads have some skills & I'm not exactly a slouch in that department. I could very well have spoiled a few men in my time. More than one has told me I was "the best [he] ever had."
Some of them shouldn't forget it since it seems lots of women are either super freaks or stone cold frigid. There's very little middle ground or "lady on the street, freak in the sheets" types.
I also realize there are some sexually deprived men. That's a situation I feel some sympathy towards depending on how long that's been happening. It's not always the ugly or average guys, either.
Second, I don't believe in love at first sight. In fact, I don't believe in love at all. I feel it's a term guys use when they really mean they are in lust with you. Apparently falling in lust with me is so easy, I don't even have to try to get that reaction. They seem to take one look at me, have a short conversation & BOOM! One more man enamored with me for some reason; this is why I have a Facebook fan page.
Third, I hate clingy guys just as much as your typical guy hates clingy girls. My first boyfriend Psycho Boy was such a clinger, I'd have suffocated if I'd stayed in that relationship. I felt like I was gasping for air at times. Let me tell you right now clinginess is NOT endearing, charming, flattering or romantic.
I view being clingy as the emotional equivalent of a tick on your skin. Maybe even a tick on the side of your boob like a fellow camper I bunked with once had to deal with. She couldn't even put a shirt on to go across the way to the counselors' tent. We had to go tell the counselors she needed help without having to go into graphic detail (since we liked our tent mate & weren't trying to embarrass her). Ticks are painful, always end in places you don't want them & they just cause you unnecessary stress, strife, aggravation, you get the idea. That's how I view a clingy guy.
Again, middle ground. Take an interest & give a damn if I live or die (vanishing from the radar means you will vanish from MY radar since there are always other guys & friends who contact me). But you don't have to call or text me every hour, on the hour. Once a day or once every few days is okay. I understand you have a life. I do as well. Respect it & we will be fine.
Clinging to me tells me you do NOT have a life, that you will shape your entire existence around me & I won't be flattered but will end up terrified when I need to get out of your basement b/c you have decided to kidnap me (hopefully not literally since figurative kidnapping is bad enough).
Fourth, don't beg me for sex. I think it's pathetic when a guy does that. Not sure how guys feel about girls doing that but I sure won't do it. I have never had to beg for it & I sure won't now.
I'm thinking of an episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche is out with this guy she tried to sleep with & never did. Her "the one that got away," if you will. She goes out with this guy, despite him no longer being the hottie she knew in college & finally gets fed up after asking him for the upteenth time if he wants company and gets rejected.
She goes off on him & informs him that he may not want her but she will damn well find a man who does. After she does this, she leaves the restaurant they're at and 4 guys follow her, including the check and this guy dining with another woman! At this point, I could see something like that happening to me if a guy rejected me & I'd had enough.
Finally, I like my space. In particular, I like my emotional space. No, I LOVE my emotional space.
People need it from time to time, especially when they are going through what I have but I loved my space even before that.
Those who need their space will understand what I'm saying here & those who don't will never get it. We people who love our space just need to find others who also cherish their own space & understand why you don't want to be joined at the hip 24/7.
Sometimes, I just want to be left the fuck alone. If I'm bleeding due to girl stuff, I REALLY just want to be left alone. It's called "Stay out of my face. Do not bother me & definitely don't engage me if you don't want to get injured or hear me say something you won't like."
Could anyone possibly tell me why all this stalker mess? I want to know why. Why are they all stalking ME?!?!?! Where are some rational, normal, non-clingy (but still caring) guys who also have a professional background & some ambition in life?
Aren't there other women for these guys to bother & send these impassioned "I need you" notes to? Surely I can't be the only attractive woman in NYC with naturally red hair, a career, ambition & looks. I'm not the only model; let's balance out some of this stalker shit.
Plus, I have yet to see any super hotties be stalkers. None bothering me have ever been the kind of guy women would throw their panties at "just because." Now maybe it's just that guys I find attractive haven't been the stalker type since I'm sure looks have zero to do with a guy becoming a stalker. Please tell me there are hot ones guilty of it as well.
Some of you might think "Oh, I'd love to have stalkers." No you don't. If you wanted a stalker, he wouldn't be a stalker. He'd be a guy you want to do naughty things with. Another downside to being pretty & I'm not even famous at this point. God help me if that happens. I'll need a full security staff with military gear.
For those of you who haven't had them, let's define what a stalker is. A stalker is someone who refuses to leave you alone. Someone who can't go live their own life & allow you to live yours. Oh, no! That would be too much for them.
Let someone go about their merry way & NOT bother them? God forbid!
I consider stalking as banal as saying "hi" to me at an event when I don't want to talk to you & have made that abundantly clear. When I cut you out, you are to be dead to me. I don't want to know you are still roaming this planet or NYC or wherever I happen to be.
One of my biggest pet peeves is someone still trying to talk to me when I have A) blocked them on social media, B) blocked their phone number, C) blocked their e-mail, D) said "I do not want to talk to you anymore," E) got my personal property out of their place or F) did anything that would make a rational, sane person say "You know something? She doesn't want anything to do with me. Maybe I should leave her alone."
Another huge pet peeve of mine is guys getting way too damn clingy & saying things that they have no grounds for. Case in point: I go to a networking event weeks back. Being where I am in life right now, I'm not as prompt in follow ups as I'd usually be. I go to networking events with the express purpose of networking & making business contacts. This is the same reason I use LinkedIn.
I DO NOT go to these events or use LinkedIn to have guys hit on me, call me "babe" (outside of a general entertainment industry context where they just call every female or everyone that) or declare their love. In the past week, I have had a total of 5 guys harass me or declare feelings they've got no business having.
1. A former friend/person I had an involvement with who has long since been blocked, told "I'm not interested," that kind of thing approaches me at an event. It startled me & frankly I didn't want to deal with it so I dashed off.
On my way to find someone more desirable to talk to (usually a cute guy by himself), I get a text message from another guy I had no interest in. This one revealed himself to be a Jesus freak & the thing that made me not want to speak to him further was his little sermon on the evils of pre-marital sex. The genie is out of that bottle, dude!
2. The Jesus freak says "hi," despite the last conversation where I said he should find someone more suited to him & his beliefs than me since he was not going to "save" me and I knew way too much about the Christian faith to be swayed by any attempt to make me into the frump they'd all love.
3. I go to a fashion show & meet a guy from Italy who says he'd like to learn American English. He instantly asks me if I'd want a serious relationship alongside telling me I'm "beautiful" and how great my eyes are. Had a friend with me I was trying to help forge business contacts & he was going to contact this guy.
The next day this guy is sending me text to e-mail messages & veers away from polite, normal topics into "I need your love. I need you."
Uh, no you do NOT "need" me!!!!! You had a 5 minute conversation with me after a fashion show & I left since my ride for the evening had to go. No way did you get to know me well enough to assess whether you "need" me or not.
If you get emotionally attached to someone that quickly, there is no hope for you in this life. There is definitely no hope for me if that's how all guys are going to react to me.
4. I get a connection request from LinkedIn from this guy who is a diver & has a mutual contact. Generally, I'm liberal on who I accept connection requests from on there since you never know who might be a useful or beneficial contact. If it's not someone trying to have a million contacts they never speak to, I'll generally approve. After all, you're getting the vanilla version of me on there so it's not like someone's going to be overcome by the vapors by having me as a connection. A Facebook friend, perhaps but NOT a LinkedIn connection.
Recently, I had to add my picture to my LinkedIn page. This is because I got a sponsored ad from Avvo offering very good terms & used my headshot pic that is on my company's website as well as my IMDB profile. I figured it wouldn't hurt to maintain some consistency.
I'm still very resistant to having a profile pic on there & I suppose this most recent experience illustrates why.
No sooner than I approve this request, I get a message asking me if I'd consider "a serious relationship." He talks about true love flourishing, calls me "babe" & tells me to respond to his personal e-mail address if I am interested.
I wrote a response a few days later since at first I'm thinking "Was I just propositioned on here?" Who calls a woman he's not married to or dating "babe" in a LinkedIn message? I'm also thinking to myself "Is this guy offering to be my sugar daddy or something?" I've gotten quite a few in-person offers for that stuff that I may have mentioned before. How, I don't know. I did nothing particularly special, just be myself & show up. Maybe it's part of 2.0 stuff & the new order.
5. Yesterday, while I'm going about my business & dealing with tasks at hand I get an e-mail from a guy I met at a networking event ages back. He sends me a pic of a rose & says "i remember you very week...i think of you every days, please reply to me."
Then he signs off with "Kisses"
I want to know: what the holy fuck?!?!?!?
First off, I might be pretty & I might be a great conversationalist with a sense of humor but I'm not so sure it warrants that type of reaction. Men falling in love with me in 5 minutes by just having a conversation with me & not even seeing me naked? I'm highly skeptical of that claim.
I at least had sex with some of these stalkers & maybe a reaction like that afterwards is understandable. Not to brag or anything but natural redheads have some skills & I'm not exactly a slouch in that department. I could very well have spoiled a few men in my time. More than one has told me I was "the best [he] ever had."
Some of them shouldn't forget it since it seems lots of women are either super freaks or stone cold frigid. There's very little middle ground or "lady on the street, freak in the sheets" types.
I also realize there are some sexually deprived men. That's a situation I feel some sympathy towards depending on how long that's been happening. It's not always the ugly or average guys, either.
Second, I don't believe in love at first sight. In fact, I don't believe in love at all. I feel it's a term guys use when they really mean they are in lust with you. Apparently falling in lust with me is so easy, I don't even have to try to get that reaction. They seem to take one look at me, have a short conversation & BOOM! One more man enamored with me for some reason; this is why I have a Facebook fan page.
Third, I hate clingy guys just as much as your typical guy hates clingy girls. My first boyfriend Psycho Boy was such a clinger, I'd have suffocated if I'd stayed in that relationship. I felt like I was gasping for air at times. Let me tell you right now clinginess is NOT endearing, charming, flattering or romantic.
I view being clingy as the emotional equivalent of a tick on your skin. Maybe even a tick on the side of your boob like a fellow camper I bunked with once had to deal with. She couldn't even put a shirt on to go across the way to the counselors' tent. We had to go tell the counselors she needed help without having to go into graphic detail (since we liked our tent mate & weren't trying to embarrass her). Ticks are painful, always end in places you don't want them & they just cause you unnecessary stress, strife, aggravation, you get the idea. That's how I view a clingy guy.
Again, middle ground. Take an interest & give a damn if I live or die (vanishing from the radar means you will vanish from MY radar since there are always other guys & friends who contact me). But you don't have to call or text me every hour, on the hour. Once a day or once every few days is okay. I understand you have a life. I do as well. Respect it & we will be fine.
Clinging to me tells me you do NOT have a life, that you will shape your entire existence around me & I won't be flattered but will end up terrified when I need to get out of your basement b/c you have decided to kidnap me (hopefully not literally since figurative kidnapping is bad enough).
Fourth, don't beg me for sex. I think it's pathetic when a guy does that. Not sure how guys feel about girls doing that but I sure won't do it. I have never had to beg for it & I sure won't now.
I'm thinking of an episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche is out with this guy she tried to sleep with & never did. Her "the one that got away," if you will. She goes out with this guy, despite him no longer being the hottie she knew in college & finally gets fed up after asking him for the upteenth time if he wants company and gets rejected.
She goes off on him & informs him that he may not want her but she will damn well find a man who does. After she does this, she leaves the restaurant they're at and 4 guys follow her, including the check and this guy dining with another woman! At this point, I could see something like that happening to me if a guy rejected me & I'd had enough.
Finally, I like my space. In particular, I like my emotional space. No, I LOVE my emotional space.
People need it from time to time, especially when they are going through what I have but I loved my space even before that.
Those who need their space will understand what I'm saying here & those who don't will never get it. We people who love our space just need to find others who also cherish their own space & understand why you don't want to be joined at the hip 24/7.
Sometimes, I just want to be left the fuck alone. If I'm bleeding due to girl stuff, I REALLY just want to be left alone. It's called "Stay out of my face. Do not bother me & definitely don't engage me if you don't want to get injured or hear me say something you won't like."
Could anyone possibly tell me why all this stalker mess? I want to know why. Why are they all stalking ME?!?!?! Where are some rational, normal, non-clingy (but still caring) guys who also have a professional background & some ambition in life?
Aren't there other women for these guys to bother & send these impassioned "I need you" notes to? Surely I can't be the only attractive woman in NYC with naturally red hair, a career, ambition & looks. I'm not the only model; let's balance out some of this stalker shit.
Plus, I have yet to see any super hotties be stalkers. None bothering me have ever been the kind of guy women would throw their panties at "just because." Now maybe it's just that guys I find attractive haven't been the stalker type since I'm sure looks have zero to do with a guy becoming a stalker. Please tell me there are hot ones guilty of it as well.
Some of you might think "Oh, I'd love to have stalkers." No you don't. If you wanted a stalker, he wouldn't be a stalker. He'd be a guy you want to do naughty things with. Another downside to being pretty & I'm not even famous at this point. God help me if that happens. I'll need a full security staff with military gear.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Why You Should Never Get Married More Than Once (Or At All If You're Smart)
Now I'm going through a divorce & have only been physically out of my marital home for going on 7 months. However, I am as certain as I can be that I'm never, ever getting married again. If you are smart, take heed of my words & don't make my mistake the first time.
Why should you never get married? Many, many reasons.
1. Being married is not as glamorous or cool as it looks. If you had high standards for yourself & managed to land a total hottie (at least in your mind), you still have to deal with the fact that this hottie is a human being. (S)he has emotions, feelings, mood swings, psychological problems, quirks, pet peeves, whatever will undoubtedly piss you off about someone. You also have emotions, feelings, mood swings, psychological problems, quirks, pet peeves, etc. They WILL piss the other person off sooner or later.
It's all pretty & nice when you're in that warm, fuzzy love phase but eventually you leave that. Then you'd better hope you're not living with a slob, pro-lifer, alcoholic, money grubbing, insecure saboteur or whatever else infuriates & annoys you to the point that a trip to the nearest mental hospital looks more appetizing than spending another minute with this person.
I can now fully understand why people feel an urge to kill their spouses. Maybe it was your own psychosis or it was their psychosis driving you over the edge.
Think about if you had to be on a desert island with this person. Let's say they have some great survival skill you don't. Could you still stand to be around him/her even if they didn't have this great survival skill?
2. Immaturity. Ladies: some men are like dogs. The wealth of immature 30 something guys just astounds me. When I have to "train" you, you've already lost the battle with me. If that guy hasn't lived on his own for a while & had to take care of himself without Mommy & Daddy, you need to run like hell. If he has a sugar mommy & isn't facing hunger or homelessness or total ruin in some fashion, you'd better take some time to ask yourself (and him) if he expects YOU to fulfill that role if he commits to you.
A man seeking a meal ticket is a man you want nothing to do with. Let him find someone else dumb enough to finance his bullshit. Or leave him to pay for hookers since maybe with enough money, they can be motivated to give a damn about his laziness. That is called being a child. If you don't mind doing it & know this isn't the sort of guy you're going to want meeting friends, family, especially children who will resent him for taking their future inheritance, go right ahead & enjoy the short term benefits.
When I have to play games or make the first move ALL THE DAMN TIME with a guy, I'm not going to be interested. Especially when other guys contact me on their own initiative & take an interest in my life. Ditch me & you are done. Disrespect me (and reading a Facebook meme yesterday, I can assert that natural redheads are the grand divas based on hair color alone) & you are not only done, you can die in a fire. Somehow, a guy disrespecting a natural redhead dying in a fire seems very poetic. Our hair is described as "fire" and some jerk getting consumed by it just sounds like wonderful symbolism.
I took a Facebook test recently asking "What Color is Your Aura?" & I got red. Fitting for these times & maybe just in general.
3. In-laws!!! Many people are fucking immature. If you've seen "Mama's Family," you have a somewhat inflated idea of the scale of immaturity some people have when it comes to their parents. Unfortunately I saw too late just how immature my ex was. Being from NC, there's the whole tradition of "showing respect to your elders" and I think it turns lots of adults into overgrown children being slaves to Mommy & Daddy's whims and lives instead of doing their own thing.
It's even worse when kids are involved & gets plain insulting since some of these grandparents are just narcissistic assholes who could care less about their grandkids.
Coming from this tradition & seeing my mother, sister and childhood best friend subjected to all kinds of lessening of position and disrespect from in-laws, I really didn't want to get married at all. I was hard core about not putting up with that. Seems you have to be marrying a man, not a boy if you want a man to stand by you on that.
I thought I was okay b/c my ex said he didn't really like his family & had taken to ignoring most of their unpleasantness but indulging them on minor things. Don't fall for that one. When he decided to take out his personal issues on me & get pissy at me for being me, he sided with the people attacking his self-interest or stifling him in a heartbeat.
It would be cold of me to tell a guy "You can't marry or be in a serious relationship with me unless your parents are dead or you disown them." I've not really heard about a family where the daughter in law was welcomed with open arms, treated with respect and truly treated as "one of the family."
I fear some guys would have their parents whacked so they could be with me. While that might be a very sweet sentiment, it's just not something I think a person should do. After all, Susan Smith tried that with her kids & look what happened to her?
Word of advice: if you aren't dealing with a grown up man/woman vs. someone whose parents are too involved in their lives, have influence over who they date, what they wear, if they take that vacation, etc. run like hell. If that person picks their parents over you all the time, you will always lose if you get married. If you have children, it will get worse.
Frankly, if you have not asserted yourself as an adult you can't get involved with me. I had to finally do this last year after my father died & I ended up in a fight with my mother over the shirt I chose to wear. No 30 something should be having that fight with their parents. If you've got your own place, make your own money & especially if you have your own kids, your parents should NOT being doing things like that. If they are, something has gone very wrong or you have a hyper religious parent.
I am done with that. Give me a man with no living parents or who's disowned his parents & never talks to them. Some women might be turned off & repulsed. If he's got good looks, ambition & maturity, it might be all I can do not to just shout "Take me!!!" right then & there.
Remember I'm the woman who said she'd rather go to prison than live with her parents again.
4. The myth of "unconditional love." I already covered this one but marriage isn't about unconditional love. If it were, I'd still be married now. There is nothing you can do that would make someone stop loving you or caring if their love for you is unconditional. As I mentioned, it doesn't exist. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Fairy tale love is NOT real life.
If you find it, I think you just have it for the moment. I'd dare you to do something you know your SO won't like. Go have an affair, indulge in your vices, whatever it is they don't like you doing. I guarantee you'll eventually find yourself without that spouse. So much for "unconditional love," right?
5. That "compromise" stuff. I'm in a really selfish phase right now. The whole "giving" thing that is part of my personality is just completely spent. Think of it being like a guy who's just come & instantly dropped into unconsciousness or exhaustion; that's where my "standing by your man" and "caring" level is at.
Such a selfish feeling person can't do another serious relationship, where you have to care a little about the other person & try to help them advance in things. At least if you don't want to just waste your time & have unhealthy relationships or go out & get a job as a prostitute. I'm sure even prostitutes have to deal with caring about the client on some level, though. Get him to come at least.
The biggest mistake you can make is living someplace you aren't happy in to please a spouse or significant other. I would be a very miserable person living in NC & my home is NYC. That is where I feel my spiritual best & am my 100%. Yes, there are flaws in NYC & no place is perfect but it's a lie to say you'll be happy living anywhere as long as your sweetie is there. A story.
My father told me once when I was visiting NC one summer from college "Now you see why I drink," after I told him about my misery at being in NC instead of in Atlanta (which I loved as a city but not as "the South"). He continued to be miserable in NC, got falsely arrested after my sister's first husband died and eventually died suddenly at work last year.
Want that to be you? If you don't, you'd best be looking at your own happiness & needs because no one is going to really care about them like you. A spouse is "supposed" to do that stuff but a spouse is supposed to do a LOT of things like be a damn adult & put that family before the one they were born into. Countless don't.
6. Finding the right person is impossible. You might as well pursue a staring role on Broadway or try becoming President of the United States. I think a person would have a far better chance at succeeding at that stuff than having a marriage that doesn't just end with divorce (unless your spouse dies).
7. Ceding your independence. You have to do that in order to get married. Shared accounts, shared social media, shared cars, electronics, never getting to decorate as YOU want to. Once you lose your independence, it is a big pain to regain it. You feel like you've regressed to being a teenager (and you stay with your parents, you'll definitely feel that way).
I'm just not up to giving it up again once I regain it. After the ordeal of divorce, you wouldn't want to either. To want to do that would make you insane or far more giving than I ever was, even at my most charitable. I can be charitable to cats; I can't do that with people. Maybe that's because cats are cuter & don't pretend to like you or care when they really don't.
Now I say don't do it at all if you can help it but I know some people have to experience things for themselves. I was under the whole haze of love at one time myself. The guy I married made me feel things no one else ever had. I thought it was the real thing but clearly there is nothing. The best I can hope for is satisfying sex from a bunch of guys & the whole "everyday is a new adventure" idea. I find that freeing & wonderful. Also helps when people think you're in your 20s. Some days, looking younger than you are & prettier than most women are pluses.
If you have that, don't tie yourself down to one person who will end up not appreciating you or just taking you for granted.
I'm childfree so I have no kids to worry about having or messing up if I don't get married. I think I've made my point.
Why should you never get married? Many, many reasons.
1. Being married is not as glamorous or cool as it looks. If you had high standards for yourself & managed to land a total hottie (at least in your mind), you still have to deal with the fact that this hottie is a human being. (S)he has emotions, feelings, mood swings, psychological problems, quirks, pet peeves, whatever will undoubtedly piss you off about someone. You also have emotions, feelings, mood swings, psychological problems, quirks, pet peeves, etc. They WILL piss the other person off sooner or later.
It's all pretty & nice when you're in that warm, fuzzy love phase but eventually you leave that. Then you'd better hope you're not living with a slob, pro-lifer, alcoholic, money grubbing, insecure saboteur or whatever else infuriates & annoys you to the point that a trip to the nearest mental hospital looks more appetizing than spending another minute with this person.
I can now fully understand why people feel an urge to kill their spouses. Maybe it was your own psychosis or it was their psychosis driving you over the edge.
Think about if you had to be on a desert island with this person. Let's say they have some great survival skill you don't. Could you still stand to be around him/her even if they didn't have this great survival skill?
2. Immaturity. Ladies: some men are like dogs. The wealth of immature 30 something guys just astounds me. When I have to "train" you, you've already lost the battle with me. If that guy hasn't lived on his own for a while & had to take care of himself without Mommy & Daddy, you need to run like hell. If he has a sugar mommy & isn't facing hunger or homelessness or total ruin in some fashion, you'd better take some time to ask yourself (and him) if he expects YOU to fulfill that role if he commits to you.
A man seeking a meal ticket is a man you want nothing to do with. Let him find someone else dumb enough to finance his bullshit. Or leave him to pay for hookers since maybe with enough money, they can be motivated to give a damn about his laziness. That is called being a child. If you don't mind doing it & know this isn't the sort of guy you're going to want meeting friends, family, especially children who will resent him for taking their future inheritance, go right ahead & enjoy the short term benefits.
When I have to play games or make the first move ALL THE DAMN TIME with a guy, I'm not going to be interested. Especially when other guys contact me on their own initiative & take an interest in my life. Ditch me & you are done. Disrespect me (and reading a Facebook meme yesterday, I can assert that natural redheads are the grand divas based on hair color alone) & you are not only done, you can die in a fire. Somehow, a guy disrespecting a natural redhead dying in a fire seems very poetic. Our hair is described as "fire" and some jerk getting consumed by it just sounds like wonderful symbolism.
I took a Facebook test recently asking "What Color is Your Aura?" & I got red. Fitting for these times & maybe just in general.
3. In-laws!!! Many people are fucking immature. If you've seen "Mama's Family," you have a somewhat inflated idea of the scale of immaturity some people have when it comes to their parents. Unfortunately I saw too late just how immature my ex was. Being from NC, there's the whole tradition of "showing respect to your elders" and I think it turns lots of adults into overgrown children being slaves to Mommy & Daddy's whims and lives instead of doing their own thing.
It's even worse when kids are involved & gets plain insulting since some of these grandparents are just narcissistic assholes who could care less about their grandkids.
Coming from this tradition & seeing my mother, sister and childhood best friend subjected to all kinds of lessening of position and disrespect from in-laws, I really didn't want to get married at all. I was hard core about not putting up with that. Seems you have to be marrying a man, not a boy if you want a man to stand by you on that.
I thought I was okay b/c my ex said he didn't really like his family & had taken to ignoring most of their unpleasantness but indulging them on minor things. Don't fall for that one. When he decided to take out his personal issues on me & get pissy at me for being me, he sided with the people attacking his self-interest or stifling him in a heartbeat.
It would be cold of me to tell a guy "You can't marry or be in a serious relationship with me unless your parents are dead or you disown them." I've not really heard about a family where the daughter in law was welcomed with open arms, treated with respect and truly treated as "one of the family."
I fear some guys would have their parents whacked so they could be with me. While that might be a very sweet sentiment, it's just not something I think a person should do. After all, Susan Smith tried that with her kids & look what happened to her?
Word of advice: if you aren't dealing with a grown up man/woman vs. someone whose parents are too involved in their lives, have influence over who they date, what they wear, if they take that vacation, etc. run like hell. If that person picks their parents over you all the time, you will always lose if you get married. If you have children, it will get worse.
Frankly, if you have not asserted yourself as an adult you can't get involved with me. I had to finally do this last year after my father died & I ended up in a fight with my mother over the shirt I chose to wear. No 30 something should be having that fight with their parents. If you've got your own place, make your own money & especially if you have your own kids, your parents should NOT being doing things like that. If they are, something has gone very wrong or you have a hyper religious parent.
I am done with that. Give me a man with no living parents or who's disowned his parents & never talks to them. Some women might be turned off & repulsed. If he's got good looks, ambition & maturity, it might be all I can do not to just shout "Take me!!!" right then & there.
Remember I'm the woman who said she'd rather go to prison than live with her parents again.
4. The myth of "unconditional love." I already covered this one but marriage isn't about unconditional love. If it were, I'd still be married now. There is nothing you can do that would make someone stop loving you or caring if their love for you is unconditional. As I mentioned, it doesn't exist. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Fairy tale love is NOT real life.
If you find it, I think you just have it for the moment. I'd dare you to do something you know your SO won't like. Go have an affair, indulge in your vices, whatever it is they don't like you doing. I guarantee you'll eventually find yourself without that spouse. So much for "unconditional love," right?
5. That "compromise" stuff. I'm in a really selfish phase right now. The whole "giving" thing that is part of my personality is just completely spent. Think of it being like a guy who's just come & instantly dropped into unconsciousness or exhaustion; that's where my "standing by your man" and "caring" level is at.
Such a selfish feeling person can't do another serious relationship, where you have to care a little about the other person & try to help them advance in things. At least if you don't want to just waste your time & have unhealthy relationships or go out & get a job as a prostitute. I'm sure even prostitutes have to deal with caring about the client on some level, though. Get him to come at least.
The biggest mistake you can make is living someplace you aren't happy in to please a spouse or significant other. I would be a very miserable person living in NC & my home is NYC. That is where I feel my spiritual best & am my 100%. Yes, there are flaws in NYC & no place is perfect but it's a lie to say you'll be happy living anywhere as long as your sweetie is there. A story.
My father told me once when I was visiting NC one summer from college "Now you see why I drink," after I told him about my misery at being in NC instead of in Atlanta (which I loved as a city but not as "the South"). He continued to be miserable in NC, got falsely arrested after my sister's first husband died and eventually died suddenly at work last year.
Want that to be you? If you don't, you'd best be looking at your own happiness & needs because no one is going to really care about them like you. A spouse is "supposed" to do that stuff but a spouse is supposed to do a LOT of things like be a damn adult & put that family before the one they were born into. Countless don't.
6. Finding the right person is impossible. You might as well pursue a staring role on Broadway or try becoming President of the United States. I think a person would have a far better chance at succeeding at that stuff than having a marriage that doesn't just end with divorce (unless your spouse dies).
7. Ceding your independence. You have to do that in order to get married. Shared accounts, shared social media, shared cars, electronics, never getting to decorate as YOU want to. Once you lose your independence, it is a big pain to regain it. You feel like you've regressed to being a teenager (and you stay with your parents, you'll definitely feel that way).
I'm just not up to giving it up again once I regain it. After the ordeal of divorce, you wouldn't want to either. To want to do that would make you insane or far more giving than I ever was, even at my most charitable. I can be charitable to cats; I can't do that with people. Maybe that's because cats are cuter & don't pretend to like you or care when they really don't.
Now I say don't do it at all if you can help it but I know some people have to experience things for themselves. I was under the whole haze of love at one time myself. The guy I married made me feel things no one else ever had. I thought it was the real thing but clearly there is nothing. The best I can hope for is satisfying sex from a bunch of guys & the whole "everyday is a new adventure" idea. I find that freeing & wonderful. Also helps when people think you're in your 20s. Some days, looking younger than you are & prettier than most women are pluses.
If you have that, don't tie yourself down to one person who will end up not appreciating you or just taking you for granted.
I'm childfree so I have no kids to worry about having or messing up if I don't get married. I think I've made my point.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Sugar Daddies & Sugar Mommies: Would You, Should You & Is There a Sexual Bias Here?
I personally don't like the term "sugar daddy." I prefer the term "benefactor."
For one thing, my father died last year & I only called him "Daddy" when I was a little kid (before all the estrangement stuff). Second, the term "sugar baby" implies you are but an underling in this whole arrangement & are basically some guy or girl's slave or toy with no rights to anything. I think the term "sugar daddy" is just too controlling for my tastes. After all, I am a feminist.
The interesting thing, though, is that I have had men approach me and volunteer to do that. One such man offered shortly after the spiritual end of my marriage. I did nothing special to make this happen; much like in regular dating, I had no particular approach other than being my normal self & sharing my own experience of the utter failure of my marriage. It's something I feel you should tell people since the pain just rolls off some people & I'm sure it's obvious with me. It felt like when it first happened, my stress/trouble/unhappiness and sorrow were just oozing off me. Sometimes we give off an aura & I think my aura was shouting "I'm in pain & I'm in trouble. Won't you help me, please?" It may still shout that, I'm not sure.
That was the first time a guy had EVER done that. This was an older gentleman but not someone completely repulsive. I also feel personality helps; if you aren't a total cretin, it can be okay.
Ultimately, I said "no" since he seemed way too controlling. For one thing, don't you ever try to dictate what I wear. I am the model. I have also been known for being a fashionista since high school, where I could buy my own clothes & had my own distinct style. They didn't give me "Best Dressed" in my high school pageant for nothing. Nor have I gotten compliments on my attire from fashion people while at fashion networking events for no reason.
The irony is I met this guy at a fashion networking event, a magazine launch party. I came in to this event with the same mission as I have at any other event: mingle, give out business cards, get to know people, have some food if it's free or a friend offers me some. Sometimes, you start seeing the same people or you get recognized.
For another, not a good plan to pressure me for exclusivity at any point in time. I wouldn't like that now, either. I've got a nearly 10 year relationship to get over, the offers seem endless & I have an aimless direction in my life now. I have no means of long term plans since I'm just trying to get through the next month. When you have to survive, you can't think that far.
My curse is that men seemingly fall in love with me without my doing much more than being myself. I've had guys get obsessed with me when I was hardly on my best behavior around them; these people definitely saw me at less than my best moments. Yeah, I'm good sexually but I don't know that it warranted some of the crazy shit I've had to deal with.
I also feel that women will get a lot more sympathy in society having a benefactor than a man would, especially if she's going through hard times. I can't imagine anyone blaming me if I took that up considering my ex stole all the money, leaving me having to do what I have to in order to survive b/c I have no family or friends in the area who can help me. Women typically have less money, more sex appeal & everyone's used to this story. It's older than the dawn of time. Famous actresses have often gotten where they are b/c of hooking up with the right rich guy who invested in a movie she wanted so she could star in it (trust me, if you've got an investor with lots of money & he wants his girlfriend in that film the average filmmaker/producer/agent is going to everything they can to get to that money; I heard some stories from the agent I worked with).
But men? I have consistently heard about how my ex really wasn't much of a man considering he bitched about his job all the time, threatened to kill himself on his way to work, did nothing to change his situation and did not give his wife "the good life" or fancy presents. Now I'm not a materialistic person, which was probably not a great idea on my part & I've since decided to consider income and finances of a potential suitor far more than I used to but that is a huge topic in many places. I even read an article today on Slate about how there are few "marriageable men" in America today b/c few have steady jobs. In fact, at least one male friend told me I deserved better & should get the finer things in life.
If my ex could get a sugar mommy, I'm sure he would have & might still do that. I now think he wanted me to do that & got all pissy b/c my career didn't start paying the money he wanted so he could sit on his butt & do nothing. Telling people about this little plan has prompted them to say "He wasn't much of a man or a husband." However, I don't think he's hot or slick enough to get away with some woman financing his life.
I also feel like most men aren't as sympathetic as women, even women who aren't facing homelessness or who've become displaced heiresses (so to speak; I feel that way sometimes). The woman trying to pursue her entertainment career is generally more sympathetic in society than the man doing the same thing. What do we call men doing such things? Gigolos, right?
Men are still expected in some corners to "take care" of women, especially in the Southern tradition I came from. A man being cared for by a woman would have his masculinity questioned & no woman would want that guy trying to leech off her (if she's smart, at least).
If I were stupid enough to even consider an exclusive relationship, much less marriage, I would not want a man leeching off me. He'd have to have his own goals, ambition & a salary suitable to take care of himself. Most men also resent & get pissy toward women who earn more than they do. One of those male pride things, I'm sure much like how they get upset if you tell them some other guy was bigger (especially if you tell him a particular guy was Godzilla's tail & he's not even close to that) or better in bed than he is or than you think he'd be.
Shockingly, I figured I wasn't the sugar daddy type since I'm not a submissive person in life or willing to let anyone dictate to me. How much money you have will never impress me; you have to actually have a personality I like & not piss me off. Am I pretty? Certainly. Would guys with means be interested in doing that? Maybe if they got to know me. Lots of guys like my "spunk" & that I take no shit off anyone. I say the things some women might not & some guy might hate me telling certain truths but I will do it. If some guy with money isn't looking for a mindless little robot or sex doll, he might be really happy with a woman like me.
I also have the whole redhead thing going for me, which a lot of girls don't. I was once told LA was a blonde's town & NYC was a brunette's town. Yeah, I stand out everywhere. I've seen redheads in NYC but no sign of my twin. Redheads also have certain truths about them that a guy is just going to have to deal with. Telling one not to have a temper is like telling the sun not to shine. In particular, telling me not to be competitive in certain ways when it comes to other chicks (or using the phrase "other bitches") is like telling a cat not to meow. That stuff doesn't work; we are like wild horses but you can't tame most of us.
My figuring was if I was going to get a sugar daddy, a few conditions would need to be met:
1. He'd have to be attractive to my eye. A guy I'd date in normal circumstances so no creepy old guys or guys who weren't my type.
2. He'd have to accept me for who I am, not try to mold me into something I'm not.
3. He'd have to respect me. I insist on that from everyone & give as good as I get. Plus, I'm nobody's $2 ho.
4. He'd have to be single or separated. Interesting how we find people in our conditions; I've met quite a few men going through their own marital breakups. There should be a club or something.
Married people who aren't in open relationships verified by wives are trouble; no one needs some bitch calling up & declaring her a homewrecker. A married man doing that to women in my condition is the worst kind of egoist; there are plenty of single women who aren't in hard times & might be perfectly okay with such things or even some other married person in similar circumstances.
5. He couldn't have young children. It's just barbaric to steal food money from kids' mouths. I may be in dire straits but that doesn't mean I have the right to make a child go without. To me, no able bodied adult has the right to do that.
6. He'd have to be someone I could talk to who valued an educated woman. Some guys don't & that simply doesn't work. I've been advised to date on "my level," as in my educational level vs. my financial level. So guys in professions like doctor or financial exec or business exec are more fitting for this.
My attitude is "Nice work if you can get it but don't become someone's robot."
As I've said before, while a person is in survival mode, you have zero right to judge them. Go walk a mile in their shoes or go do something so they don't need a benefactor. If you can't or won't do that, shut the fuck up. Otherwise you are just as bad as a pro-lifer telling a pregnant teenaged girl who's just gotten kicked out of parents' house & is living on the street to go ahead and have the baby while voting to cut welfare + not bothering to help this teenage girl in any fashion. Real nice to preach from up high when YOU aren't personally affected or having to live that life. You just look like an asshole.
I think a woman would be more likely to be forgiven for having had a sugar daddy than a man would be for having a sugar mommy, even if neither of them were in survival mode & merely wanted spa trips and designer stuff vs. getting attorneys, places to live, food, that kind of thing. Any thoughts?
For one thing, my father died last year & I only called him "Daddy" when I was a little kid (before all the estrangement stuff). Second, the term "sugar baby" implies you are but an underling in this whole arrangement & are basically some guy or girl's slave or toy with no rights to anything. I think the term "sugar daddy" is just too controlling for my tastes. After all, I am a feminist.
The interesting thing, though, is that I have had men approach me and volunteer to do that. One such man offered shortly after the spiritual end of my marriage. I did nothing special to make this happen; much like in regular dating, I had no particular approach other than being my normal self & sharing my own experience of the utter failure of my marriage. It's something I feel you should tell people since the pain just rolls off some people & I'm sure it's obvious with me. It felt like when it first happened, my stress/trouble/unhappiness and sorrow were just oozing off me. Sometimes we give off an aura & I think my aura was shouting "I'm in pain & I'm in trouble. Won't you help me, please?" It may still shout that, I'm not sure.
That was the first time a guy had EVER done that. This was an older gentleman but not someone completely repulsive. I also feel personality helps; if you aren't a total cretin, it can be okay.
Ultimately, I said "no" since he seemed way too controlling. For one thing, don't you ever try to dictate what I wear. I am the model. I have also been known for being a fashionista since high school, where I could buy my own clothes & had my own distinct style. They didn't give me "Best Dressed" in my high school pageant for nothing. Nor have I gotten compliments on my attire from fashion people while at fashion networking events for no reason.
The irony is I met this guy at a fashion networking event, a magazine launch party. I came in to this event with the same mission as I have at any other event: mingle, give out business cards, get to know people, have some food if it's free or a friend offers me some. Sometimes, you start seeing the same people or you get recognized.
For another, not a good plan to pressure me for exclusivity at any point in time. I wouldn't like that now, either. I've got a nearly 10 year relationship to get over, the offers seem endless & I have an aimless direction in my life now. I have no means of long term plans since I'm just trying to get through the next month. When you have to survive, you can't think that far.
My curse is that men seemingly fall in love with me without my doing much more than being myself. I've had guys get obsessed with me when I was hardly on my best behavior around them; these people definitely saw me at less than my best moments. Yeah, I'm good sexually but I don't know that it warranted some of the crazy shit I've had to deal with.
I also feel that women will get a lot more sympathy in society having a benefactor than a man would, especially if she's going through hard times. I can't imagine anyone blaming me if I took that up considering my ex stole all the money, leaving me having to do what I have to in order to survive b/c I have no family or friends in the area who can help me. Women typically have less money, more sex appeal & everyone's used to this story. It's older than the dawn of time. Famous actresses have often gotten where they are b/c of hooking up with the right rich guy who invested in a movie she wanted so she could star in it (trust me, if you've got an investor with lots of money & he wants his girlfriend in that film the average filmmaker/producer/agent is going to everything they can to get to that money; I heard some stories from the agent I worked with).
But men? I have consistently heard about how my ex really wasn't much of a man considering he bitched about his job all the time, threatened to kill himself on his way to work, did nothing to change his situation and did not give his wife "the good life" or fancy presents. Now I'm not a materialistic person, which was probably not a great idea on my part & I've since decided to consider income and finances of a potential suitor far more than I used to but that is a huge topic in many places. I even read an article today on Slate about how there are few "marriageable men" in America today b/c few have steady jobs. In fact, at least one male friend told me I deserved better & should get the finer things in life.
If my ex could get a sugar mommy, I'm sure he would have & might still do that. I now think he wanted me to do that & got all pissy b/c my career didn't start paying the money he wanted so he could sit on his butt & do nothing. Telling people about this little plan has prompted them to say "He wasn't much of a man or a husband." However, I don't think he's hot or slick enough to get away with some woman financing his life.
I also feel like most men aren't as sympathetic as women, even women who aren't facing homelessness or who've become displaced heiresses (so to speak; I feel that way sometimes). The woman trying to pursue her entertainment career is generally more sympathetic in society than the man doing the same thing. What do we call men doing such things? Gigolos, right?
Men are still expected in some corners to "take care" of women, especially in the Southern tradition I came from. A man being cared for by a woman would have his masculinity questioned & no woman would want that guy trying to leech off her (if she's smart, at least).
If I were stupid enough to even consider an exclusive relationship, much less marriage, I would not want a man leeching off me. He'd have to have his own goals, ambition & a salary suitable to take care of himself. Most men also resent & get pissy toward women who earn more than they do. One of those male pride things, I'm sure much like how they get upset if you tell them some other guy was bigger (especially if you tell him a particular guy was Godzilla's tail & he's not even close to that) or better in bed than he is or than you think he'd be.
Shockingly, I figured I wasn't the sugar daddy type since I'm not a submissive person in life or willing to let anyone dictate to me. How much money you have will never impress me; you have to actually have a personality I like & not piss me off. Am I pretty? Certainly. Would guys with means be interested in doing that? Maybe if they got to know me. Lots of guys like my "spunk" & that I take no shit off anyone. I say the things some women might not & some guy might hate me telling certain truths but I will do it. If some guy with money isn't looking for a mindless little robot or sex doll, he might be really happy with a woman like me.
I also have the whole redhead thing going for me, which a lot of girls don't. I was once told LA was a blonde's town & NYC was a brunette's town. Yeah, I stand out everywhere. I've seen redheads in NYC but no sign of my twin. Redheads also have certain truths about them that a guy is just going to have to deal with. Telling one not to have a temper is like telling the sun not to shine. In particular, telling me not to be competitive in certain ways when it comes to other chicks (or using the phrase "other bitches") is like telling a cat not to meow. That stuff doesn't work; we are like wild horses but you can't tame most of us.
My figuring was if I was going to get a sugar daddy, a few conditions would need to be met:
1. He'd have to be attractive to my eye. A guy I'd date in normal circumstances so no creepy old guys or guys who weren't my type.
2. He'd have to accept me for who I am, not try to mold me into something I'm not.
3. He'd have to respect me. I insist on that from everyone & give as good as I get. Plus, I'm nobody's $2 ho.
4. He'd have to be single or separated. Interesting how we find people in our conditions; I've met quite a few men going through their own marital breakups. There should be a club or something.
Married people who aren't in open relationships verified by wives are trouble; no one needs some bitch calling up & declaring her a homewrecker. A married man doing that to women in my condition is the worst kind of egoist; there are plenty of single women who aren't in hard times & might be perfectly okay with such things or even some other married person in similar circumstances.
5. He couldn't have young children. It's just barbaric to steal food money from kids' mouths. I may be in dire straits but that doesn't mean I have the right to make a child go without. To me, no able bodied adult has the right to do that.
6. He'd have to be someone I could talk to who valued an educated woman. Some guys don't & that simply doesn't work. I've been advised to date on "my level," as in my educational level vs. my financial level. So guys in professions like doctor or financial exec or business exec are more fitting for this.
My attitude is "Nice work if you can get it but don't become someone's robot."
As I've said before, while a person is in survival mode, you have zero right to judge them. Go walk a mile in their shoes or go do something so they don't need a benefactor. If you can't or won't do that, shut the fuck up. Otherwise you are just as bad as a pro-lifer telling a pregnant teenaged girl who's just gotten kicked out of parents' house & is living on the street to go ahead and have the baby while voting to cut welfare + not bothering to help this teenage girl in any fashion. Real nice to preach from up high when YOU aren't personally affected or having to live that life. You just look like an asshole.
I think a woman would be more likely to be forgiven for having had a sugar daddy than a man would be for having a sugar mommy, even if neither of them were in survival mode & merely wanted spa trips and designer stuff vs. getting attorneys, places to live, food, that kind of thing. Any thoughts?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
