Looking Back on 2020 & Thinking About the Future

Doing this on someone else's laptop is a total pain. Hoping my own laptop will be back in commission sooner rather than later. I went to see Mr. Big Stuff in Indiana at HIS invitation back in December and discovered my screen was cracked when I got there. Perhaps that was a portend of the other events that happened in that time.

The day I arrived, things were good and he was well aware that I was staying for 2 weeks. The next day, he brings up three ways when I'd told him before I didn't want to feel like that was a condition to me being in his life, felt he was asking me to degrade myself for him & wouldn't be comfortable with that since I couldn't tell him I wouldn't rip some woman's hair out if I saw her with him in that way. As time goes on, he tells me he's stressed out with his Masters in AI program, has all these grand plans to travel, is eager to take the coronoavirus vaccine and that trip to FL we were supposed to take as a test of our future if the pandemic hadn't happened?? He was planning to invite "friends" he fucked and planned to fuck women in front of me like I was going to be cool with that.?

Yeah, I pointed out that he violated the basic rules of relationships and our 5 year history by lying to me about his "not being built for monogamy", growing up Mormon (he'd told me he was Catholic when we met and he claimed he converted in college when I met him & I pointed out that Catholics aren't on board with the sharing shit), his stance on me not sleeping with other guys when we were exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend, his claim to love me even as we were doing intimate things (I'd also told him not to even invite me to travel if he was going to introduce me to some local ho or be going out on dates while I was present) and generally deceiving me about his "lifestyle" knowing I was going through a painful divorce when we met + decided to return to my life in 2017 after I'd told him to fuck off, that he was dead to me and blocked him from everything. He even violated the rules of his own lifestyle since you're not supposed to force people to be okay with sharing and sister wife shit & you certainly aren't supposed to keep that from someone for 5 years, make special effort to follow and see them and act like somebody matters like he did to me.

Looking back maybe a week afterwards, I thought that maybe he'd been trolling me since he's got a history of doing that but realized that it doesn't matter since that's his loss, I could get a far better guy than him and immediately reactivated one dating app I was on as well as got accounts on a few other ones. I even got approved for 2 upscale dating apps (both of which are against sugar daddy seekers) and have had guys contact me on them. One reason for that is to prove to myself that he's indeed wrong when he claims that all guys who live in NYC and have Type A personalities are anti-monogamy and demand you to degrade yourself for them by sharing them with other bitches if you ever hope to have anything with them. I feel like that statement is wrong and not all guys with money are wannabe Caligulas.

Before I took that trip, I thought about the worst case scenario and decided I'd rather be free from any illusions of a future with that guy or feeling any love towards him & at a minimum, I could say I'd visited a state I'd not been to before. I actually told him I took back any claim to love him if he didn't love me. He claimed to "care a lot" about me but I find that illogical since he wanted me to do that sharing shit; he can hire a prostitute for that, not waste my time and expect me to become some bisexual ho to please him. I view asking someone to share when they're able and willing to satisfy you + you have no real commitment to them like marriage or kids to be the opposite of caring for them.

I realized that 1) I'm the one who left since he would have been a-okay with me going along and told me I didn't have to leave immediately when he claimed he didn't know I'd planned for 2 weeks (staying 1 week turned out to be a blessing since 2 weeks would have been unbearable), 2) I kept my dignity intact and that's a good thing & 3) that whole thing is over. When he moved away from NYC, he wasn't really an ex since we didn't have a formal breakup but this was a breakup and an end. There's closure.

He was also nicer to me about it than my ex-husband ever was. His last words to me were "best of luck to you" and he claimed he wouldn't be bashing me to his friends and contacts for being for monogamy and seeing jealousy as a part of human nature vs. a character flaw as he claimed it was. I told him he's also in the minority for wanting to do communal living, a life I'd never be suited for (facts: most communes failed and open relationships don't last long term). My last words were "ciao" since I didn't feel charitable enough to wish him well though I didn't feel like wishing him to Hell either.

I still hope karma gets him and he lives to regret what he did since I didn't make it easy for him in the least & won't since that's not the kind of woman I am. Had he done that before any emotional investment happened, say when he met me 5 years ago we could have walked away with no harm, no foul. Maybe then he could have been friends with me.

Friends and family have no love for him. I don't even have to wish bad on him since they're wishing more than enough bad on him for this & he claimed he wouldn't be doing that to me (it's not in his interest to try it anyway). His claim for apologizing to me in 2017 when he really had no reason for it was "I missed you." Well, this time I don't think he'd get a second chance since "fool me once, shame on you" but "fool me twice, shame on me." He claimed to have forgotten many things he'd said to me before and I don't want a guy with such a bad memory.

Not to mention he didn't get the symbolism of "I Can't Go for That (No Can Do" by Hall & Oates playing as he was driving me to the airport from his house. I also found the weather symbolic since it was raining and awful outside that morning but as we were on the interstate, the dark clouds were clearing away to make way for a bright sky. Actually, I took that as an omen and took pics of it to remind myself of things being dark now but that brighter days were ahead for me. I can't deal with a guy who doesn't get symbolism; that's as bad to me as a guy telling me I "use big words."

Mr. Big Stuff also has plenty of flaws and I remind myself of those in order to avoid them in the next guy. He may be cute but he's not the only good looking guy in this world and I went on those dating apps to remind myself of that fact. He's not even the only good looking guy who'd give me the time of day & his being gone so much makes things far more easier. I also am happy that I found out in this way rather than in FL where I might have been stuck surrounded by bitches and with no escape hatch to be found. That would have been even more traumatic for me. It also occurs to me that apparently he thinks he's Christian Grey without the BDSM stuff. Certainly his voice sounds like what you'd expect the devil at your shoulder to sound like though I won't deny that it's sexy.

So the knowledge that I did the right thing for myself is one positive from the pandemic. As my sister said, maybe the virus will make his dick fall off. I laughed at that and felt like that would be a true lesson; sterility wouldn't hurt either since he claimed to want kids but would never be selfless enough for them since he didn't even celebrate his own birthday, much less any holidays despite us spending a Thanksgiving together that he claimed he enjoyed. As I said, I want karma to fix him for that and it will eventually since we're all accountable for the harm we inflict on others.

Another positive of the pandemic is plexiglass shields in places, curbside pickups for things including clothing, not having to see people you don't even like (so great for those who didn't do extended family events or hated going to them in the first place), spending more time with nieces and nephews than I have for any part of their lives, resolving some conflicts from my past and perhaps the ultimate time to reevalute things (in my case, seeing my hometown from a new perspective and resolving some old conflicts with family). It's still not as hard for me emotionally as my divorce was, this breakup or the pandemic taking my main income source away. My mother assures me that I'll be fine since I'm "a Phoenix". Part of me is still like "how the hell DO you still maintain a sense of reality while keeping the positive vibes you need to have if you want to manifest the things you need/want to have a good existence?" Perhaps that's the struggle of all practical types who run their own businesses.

I also have to figure out how to create a business brand that's authentic to my personal and who I am since I'm not some boring ass lawyer & can't do that. That feels like something I need to have my own laptop for though it is something I fully intend to do. Revising my resumes today, even my per diem legal resume, made me feel more accomplished and like a boss babe than I was feeling. I've discovered in the dating world that income isn't nearly as relevant as what you're doing in your life & the struggles you overcame to get there. One guy today told me being the first person in my immediate family to go to college and the first in my entire family to go to any law school is an accomplishment that I should be proud of. I've been looking back at how I thought and my mindset in those days.

The main thing I remember is that I simply said I was going to do certain things. I was going to go to law school. I was going to live in NYC. I was going to get out of my hometown. There was never a thought of "what if you don't do that?" That just wasn't in my psyche. I don't even think "what if you don't find a better guy than Mr. Big Stuff" exists in my psyche since I just adamantly believe that such guys do exist. When or how I find them is a whole other story but I do believe they're out there. I didn't know exactly what law school I was going to attend but I did get to do it & here I am still licensed in that state.

Perhaps too many people have been trying to talk me out of my career stuff and there's just too much boring crap out there in my field for me to see a way to do my own methods. I probably need to pinpoint someone specialized in this world who gets that I am who I am and can offer a plan that works for ME, not any old entertainment attorney or even any old lawyer. That plan isn't something that's materialized in my brain like so many other plans did. Then I need to find the devotees who've got money for my services.

I have some fans, even some who liked my podcast I started doing and will continue to do. It's the same name as this blog and if you want to do listener support, be my guest but I'll not beg people for things or expect them to carry me. I'll change the name at some point but I need that to come to me as well.

One other big thing that surprised me this year was winning a Yelpie award that was based on a vote by the Yelp community. I've got a trophy and a gift basket of goodies waiting for me once I get back to NYC so that'll be fun; I also had no idea I was that popular or my reviews had such an impact on the community for me to get 2nd runner up in the Veteran Impact Award. I've also got a fashion shoot to do and a guy in Connecticut who wants to meet me in person so that makes me smile some. A dreaded milestone birthday is also on the horizon but I guess I can lay claim to not remotely looking that age, still attracting younger guys (though I decided I'm over guys under 30 since they're too unreliable and I'm not looking to be anybody's sugar mommy even if I had the means for it) and getting to spend it with family. I even lost weight since the pandemic weight gain though it remains to be seen if I can fit into my old bottoms again or not. My great black jeans fit me better now but perhaps I should have brought other bottoms to see how they do.

I'm also thinking I'll apply for community board since if I got that, I'd certainly have a reason to stay in NYC. I also may have the option of getting into Connecticut or even traveling with one of my buddies I've traveled with before (who reminded me that when things seem the worst with you, there's always somebody who's got more troubles to deal with & money can't shield you from life's troubles). With community board, at least there's learning how that process works and seeing that from firsthand knowledge. Plus if you actually want to do something productive to help your community and the world that's far more effective than torching public buildings, assaulting cops and vandalizing people's homes.

My life is still a big question mark and that's frustrating but everybody kind of has that going on at the moment. I'm also trying to remember that old lesson from 2014: life is the ocean. Life IS change.

Now I'm just seeing where my direction is going and I know of the things I want and things I won't tolerate at all. Who's wondering where the tipping point is for society, individuals and the like??

2015: The Year of Financial Prosperity or Maybe Do or Die?

Last year, I said 2014 was going to be the year of change. At that time, I was in a marriage that had some problems but I had no clue just how deep they ran & how bad it really was. I still viewed it as a team effort, a "we're all in this together" type thing. There's also the idea that if you keep plugging away at your passion and what you care about, you'll get it. I'm still plugging away at mine and figured after doing things for so many years & making so many contacts, the odds were in my favor to see good things happen that could improve my financial state where it'd never feel like "work" or something burdensome I hated doing.

I also had the changes in my life from my father's death, asserting myself, dealing with the private student loan lender and the in-law strife. I thought the worst was behind us/me & it was all about sorting everything out. Little did I know...

As I see it, the minute you give up on your passion in full you might as well be dead. Why are you hanging around? What is the point of life and being on this planet if you've got absolutely nothing in life that makes you feel good, motivates you, inspires you, or that you give a damn about? Tons of lawyers seem to live that way. I thought not being married to an attorney meant I was okay in that.

Was I in denial? Maybe but it was much harder to pretend things were all good. I definitely didn't think things were great but figured those problems weren't insurmountable. I'm not a quitter & have not walked away from difficulties in life. If I leave something, it's because it really is a lost cause and impossible.

So many people I've known in this business haven't made it in NYC; it seems that struggle is even worse if you work in fashion. That is partly reassuring. Not b/c I like to see other people be miserable but b/c working in the business, I view it as an occupational hazard. It's like you're part of a club & others who do this can relate. For me, it's akin to going to law school & finding out your classmates are just as frustrated, stressed and scared of failure as you are. More of that "collective pain" stuff.

The worst arrived & my worst nightmare happened. So far, I'm surviving. In some ways, I'm even thriving. I know I'm thriving as a human being & in terms of my spirit. I'm thriving in terms of having new experiences, learning new things, getting more familiarity with other places and having done things I'd have never gotten to do if my marriage had survived another year. Any innocence I had left vanished but I have met new people in this world, some of whom probably care far more about me in the short time they've known me than my ex or his relatives ever did.

Am I missed? Does it matter? Will I find out another ex has come out of the closet? That would be an interesting hypothesis & if you think about it, it could make sense on some level. For one thing, you often hear about wives who won't give their husbands what they want sexually or fulfill those needs. That was not a problem with me & I couldn't see that ever being an issue. If general notions of the male mind can be believed, a guy is almost entirely ruled by his hormones & often thinks with the little head instead of the big one. If you follow that notion, if the little head is happy & satisfied the big head will put up with a lot to keep that feeling. The guy would certainly not throw away a woman of my caliber or care about the size of her paycheck when she's got her looks, brain, drive, ambition, health and determination (among other things I'm sure others will remind me of later).

For another, some insider knowledge I have lends credence to that theory. Insider knowledge about Psycho Boy lent much credibility to his later coming out of the closet. Maybe I should have known something was off when he told me he loved the song "Believe" by Cher & was watching Titanic that time?

* Note about me & the movie Titanic: I have never seen it & vow never to do so. I successfully avoided it when it came out, when my mother was watching it & if I've been able to avoid it this long, why stop that streak? I also got far too exposed to that Celine Dion song; I can sing Celine Dion but I'm really not a fan since I have more modern sensibilities and interests in my musical taste. My mother says "Modern Girl" is a perfect description of me. *

I swear to you I didn't suspect anything with Psycho Boy (he was my first & I wasn't exactly an expert on guys at that time; I also figured these were quirks considering he approached me first) but if my ex did later come out of the closet, it would at least save me some family guilt or hassle over being divorced by the more religious & "stay married unless the guy is beating you" types.

However, I don't like this idea that guys get involved with me and then come out of the closet. I'm not some wizard who makes seemingly hetero guys discover their love of other men. Seriously, I'm not. Nor do I think I'm that horrible as a human being.

It's pretty much impossible to stay married to someone who is completely incapable of being an adult & has zero appreciation of adult matters. Can't "stand by your man" when he just shits on your efforts to lift up the boat & takes all the credit for things going well when he didn't do the hard stuff to make that boat rise.

Essentially I am rebuilding what I did before. If I could do it once, I can do it again. This time, all by myself with no jerks depending on me or leeching off my drive, ambition, clever thoughts or whatever else I have in me that they don't.

I definitely got change & I got excitement, which was sorely missing in my old life. Some of those changes have been for the better & I most certainly have inspiration and things to draw on that most people don't. I've also seen married life & can tell you it's not as great as you think it is if you've never been married or have to face constant pressure from family and friends to "get married already."

I figured I'd be safe from problems not marrying a drinker, drug user or smoker. Nope, you can have serious problems no one wants to deal with without being a drinker, drug user, smoker or taking medication for mental illness. Gay or straight, don't think I'd ever want to deal with my ex. He wouldn't get my sympathy if he came out & got disowned by his entire family.

Finally, who'd ditch their "beautiful wife" who can cook & isn't an abuser or adulteress? Thank you for that, Talking Heads. Currently listening to "Once in a Lifetime."

Tomorrow isn't something I can predict (don't I wish? don't we all wish?) but I am trying to remember the guidance of those older, wiser and more savvy on this than me. I also try to remember that just the divorce alone would be way too much for most people to deal with, that there are others who have it far worse than me & "this too shall pass."

Eventually, this mess will be over & I won't be reminded every single day of being betrayed by the one person who is supposed to be there for you in sickness & in health, for richer or poorer. I can say with confidence I'd never go backwards or belittle myself by taking this man back if he asked. He couldn't if he wanted to; I'd never trust his ability to change as a human being. Even if he came back years later & said "You were right about everything."

I don't miss him or feel bad about losing HIM; would you if you were me? No, I'm just pissed about putting in my time, effort, blood, sweat, tears and efforts to raise up a spoiled, unappreciative loser who'll likely be going nowhere & still be nowhere in 10 years. Since I don't define success by money, I consider myself more successful as a human being and as a thinker/scrapper who's had to fight for things and make harder choices to get there. At least there are men in this world who are men a woman can stand by & who she doesn't have to take care of or babysit. Divorce is in my experience a regression & akin to having your spouse die, at least for me.

Maybe in some ways divorce hurts more than your spouse dying since if your spouse died, they probably didn't choose to leave you. Getting ambushed just sucks & will test you emotionally. Bear with people who've had that happen, especially if they never loved anyone before or came from a dysfunctional family and life that didn't give them a good picture of marriage or human trust.

Weird how I can be tired but then writing inspiration hits and the next thing I know, I've been up for hours. Not sure why that happens. I say 2015 will be the year of financial prosperity since it's about freaking time & sooner or later, I either succeed or completely fail at everything I've spent my entire life on. I'd like to think I've not had this journey and done what I have to just end up with nothing in the end. That would violate the basic principles of God, karma and the universe. Hopefully, some healing will happen as well.

The Fluidity of Life & Why Are People So Unhappy About Eating Out Alone?

I'm finding in this new normal that life is all about change & fluidity. Some people just don't fit into it; I can't deal with bullshit or anyone who's going to bring MORE tears, stress, heartache or hassle into my life. In fact, I think it's inhumane to expect me to put up with such things. At this point, I'm just getting used to the fact that life IS change. Things you thought were a certain way just aren't & people you thought were going to be around for a while sometimes disappoint you. However, I feel all experiences have a value (good or bad).

I still feel like I wasted a good chunk of my adult life in this marriage & committing to someone but at least I won't be making that mistake again. One friend told me I've gone from constantly talking about my husband to becoming negative. I pointed out that I DID warn him that was going to happen if my marriage fell apart. Probably an upside for HIM, though. He no longer has to lament on how I'm with a man who's not good enough for me (though one has to wonder just who he DOES think is good enough for me).

Trying to have multiple people around for comfort in these times since I think it's unfair to stick everything onto one person. I also like that now I get to warn people against relationships & marriage as well as cheer up those who want them so badly. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, you know. I realized I missed the excitement in my single life & getting to do new things, have new experiences, etc. Sucks when your spouse isn't open to doing new things & you're itching to go to a new restaurant or learn a new skill or something. Seems I'm also more of an optimist than I thought I was. Plain & simple, I just feel free.

Speaking of being free, I think that's also why I have no qualms about eating out alone. In fact, I embrace it since I like to have all the bread and all the chips for myself. It's MINE, damn it!!! I don't understand why people claim it's so bad. No one has ever given me a look of pity or shitty service because of it. Not sure if this is normal or not but I went to one place & saw a couple eating together right near me; I didn't feel the least bit wistful or envious about it. It was simply a relief to be able to go out alone.

However, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a guy taking me out & paying for me. That's happened on occasion in my new life. Guy interest has been thick since the jerk kicked me out. Seems one man's trash is definitely another man's treasure (actually, more than one man's treasure since I get hit on a lot).

So happy today that now I can watch DVDs on the TV instead of on my laptop. When you're dealing with everything changing, little pleasures make you happy. I think eating alone is great since you can sit in your solitude & reflect on things. I liked doing it when I was going on road trips by myself & had to get dinner. Sometimes I felt like going to sit down restaurants and taking my time. It was always interesting to do that on my way to where I was going (mostly from Atlanta to NC or vice versa).

Oh, and another review you can read if you want: http://www.womanaroundtown.com/sections/playing-around/the-pink-unicorn-by-elise-forier-edie-youll-laugh-youll-cry

Life doesn't stop because some jerk tried to take away everything you care about. If you take nothing else from this blog, at least take that when you read it.

Progress & The Start of My New Life

My acting reel is ready to be seen. Go here to check it out: http://angryredheadedlawyer.mixform.com/videos

I actually did watch it & was impressed. I didn't even cringe at myself on film, which is an accomplishment for me. Did that on a particularly bad day in my life so I had a lot of tragic stuff to draw from in doing that particular scene. You have to check out the guy who did it; he is awesome & was actually right near where I used to live.

Embarking on what my mother referred to as my "gypsy existence." Her term, not mine & remember this is NOT a blog catering to the PC crowd. Whatever your offense or conflict with that term, I'm not using it to be nasty or offensive deliberately. I'm using it as akin to "nomad" or "girl without a country," which I sort of am at this point.

Getting more into a routine & so far, I'm doing just fine. Most of us are used to a particular routine & when you've done things for a long time, it can get hard to deal with the shock and adjustment. If you can, though, you'll be just fine. These times sort of remind me of my first days in Connecticut or my first days moving out of my ex-boyfriend's condo in Atlanta. There's a ton you have to do & you know things have to get done but you're in a serious "hurry up & wait," especially if you moved in on a weekend or during a holiday when places are closed or people aren't around. This marks the third time I've done this in my life so I can recognize a few patterns & signs here. Guess in some ways I'm like other actors & performers I know who go on little adventures, end up in a new place and just end up getting housing, food & the like based on their charm, luck and simple determination. Maybe they've also got that special serendipity going for them like I do; trust me, I have it since you don't get the stories I've got without having some kind of good force around you. Who else gets some of the opportunities & what not that I've gotten, even where I sometimes put in zero effort?

Should you find yourself in these circumstances (and I definitely didn't expect to find myself in them 7 years ago or even 2 years ago), you have to remember that you're entering the unknown. You are literally at a point where things aren't settled, you're dealing with fewer resources than you had before & things as you knew them before are over. You can't be spending your time in the past but have to look to the future. You aren't looking at what was; you have to look at future, possibility & what could be. Sometimes, it's frustrating and you miss things you had before.

One thing I can say about going into a new life is that you'll have no shortage of adventures. If you're the adventurous type & don't mind new experiences, you'll be just fine. This is the time to embrace your spirit of adventure, notice signs, open your mind and your brain to new perspectives, new ways of doing things, new people, change, etc. Maybe that was part of my problem in the past; I wasn't around the kind of guy who embraced change or adventure. I also think we can get too used to a routine or stuck in our ways, which isn't a good thing in my book.

One movie I love (and I warn you, it's a chick film) is Mermaids, partly b/c Cher's character is a woman who never stays in the same place for very long. I thought that kind of life would be cool; maybe not if it was your mother making you move & you didn't get a say on where you were going but if YOU got to be the captain of your own ship & make your own decisions on that stuff while having the financial means to do it, I think it could rock. I've not gotten to travel & when this all settles, I get my own place and situation set up, I fully intend to take a vacation for myself. Got a few ideas on places to go where I'm sure friends of mine would be okay with housing me for at least a couple days & not killing me in the process. We're talking friends who've been my allies in all this & made me feel better about all this as well as reminding me of just who I am in case I got bogged down & forgot. I totally expect friends to hold me accountable here & say "Stop feeling sorry for yourself; you're a strong person," if necessary. They should also know, in case they don't, that they're within their rights to slap me if they see me doing something unhealthy & not acting like the person they know.

Go through this or some other personal tragedy & you'll find out who those friends are real quick. Sometimes your real friends aren't who you think they are. People you figured would run like hell from you stick around even when you're looking, feeling & being pretty terrible while your BFFs perform vanishing acts Houdini would have been proud of. In some ways, I also feel like Billy Joel must have when he fled from his oppressive record deal in the 70s and worked incognito in a piano bar. There's a reason I feel this way & those of you who have been in my situation probably understand why.

If you're going to embark on this sort of thing, you have to be very organized, not overly attached to particular creature comforts (you come to appreciate things a lot more when you have to live on a thread budget; forget shoestring), a steward at finances (since you've got to save money when you're doing this lifestyle) & be able to see some upsides in life so you don't start feeling suicidal if you ended up in this against your own accord. If you're the type who couldn't be "a subsistence farmer," you'll fail at this. Just a simple fact. I'd call someone like that "spoiled," "privileged" and not someone I'd have much respect for.

Is it judgey for me to say that? If it is, I really don't care. If I ever have the wherewithal to commit to anyone again (and that's a huge "if" since I don't think I'll ever be able to do that unless maybe I lost my mind or possibilities vanished for me), I'm sure not taking up with any guy who's never had to take care of himself or done what I'm doing now. The guy who hasn't would never be able to relate to me & I'd just think he was too pampered and spoiled to be able to respect or handle me. Plus, there's the whole further negative association that guy would have to overcome & not sure that is even possible in my case. Some guy trying to change my mind would have to be a serious masochist.

Oh, yeah if you feel so inclined here's the link to the GoFundMe campaign: http://www.gofundme.com/6rn6s8

If you have negative remarks, I challenge you to deal with this situation yourself with the resources available to me. I'll bet you'd crack like an egg if you had to go through it. Those haters would probably give someone the satisfaction of their suicide or giving up on things.

2014: The Year of Embracing New Perspectives

Some people actually learn something when close family members die. Others don't pick up on anything at all. Guess they're not reading the signs or capable of picking up on those. An upside to being a creative person is that I actually do know something about signs and can recognize them when they're thrust in front of me.

I was telling a friend of mine about this recently & he didn't give me the sense he thought I'd become a new agey crazy freak type (I already believed in signs before this year so it'd be more like discovering I was one & not knowing it beforehand). Others I've mentioned this to also haven't dismissed me as a kook or nutcase, even some very intelligent people outside the creative industry.

Recently, I went to my first ever yoga class & discovered a few things:

A) I'm not nearly as flexible as I look, which needs to be corrected. I was never able to fold myself into a pretzel but I did have SOME physical flexibility when I was taking dance in high school.

B) I was right in thinking I ought to take it & it would benefit me since there's a mental component where you're supposed to relax, live in the moment and not stress out so much on things.

C) It's apparently not a contest of who's most flexible & you can still participate even if you aren't able to fold yourself into a pretzel.

Now to find the yoga studio that doesn't cost a fortune and where I'm not going to get harassed for being the pretty girl.

Been doing a few other things as well & dealing with heavy shit alongside them. I feel some serious changes and transitions coming in the new year. Part of me is edgy about those but then I remember the saying "life is change." Life isn't a permanent thing & if you can't evolve your thinking, your perspective, etc. you get stuck in ruts and become shattered when inevitable change happens. I realized I didn't want that for my life.

So I've been more amenable to considering ideas and activities I might not have done before, talking to people I might have dismissed before & just being objective instead of letting assumptions take over. I decided to look more at what I was being presented and my observations vs. my stereotypes, prejudices, assumptions, etc.

I've still been networking & it seems my pool continues to evolve from where it was before. I auditioned to be a VJ for ITTV an online TV network that covers major events in NYC, including some of the fashion shows I have been in. Before the tryout, I only knew one host of the network who I'd been in fashion shows with.

I'd heard about their contest for a female VJ & thought it sounded interesting. So many people have told me for years I should consider hosting work & would be good at it. However, not having a reel yet I figured I wasn't quite ready (that's something else going on this month).

When contacting the host I knew on the fashion show & modeling there, he invited me to the initial meeting for this audition. It was a completely spontaneous thing on my part so I figured "Why not?"

I went, met some of their people (who are awesome, by the way) and officially entered the running. Thursday was a private event where we were having the tryout & I put in my best. I will say my make-up was truly awesome since the artist doing it put in over an hour on it; guess now I've got an idea of what being a full time model would be like.

Don't know if I'll win or not & the other girls in the competition were good as well; I even knew a fair amount of them already from other fashion shows. This wasn't one of those catty, mean competitions; I would be happy for any of them winning since no one caused me any problems or was critical toward me.

I seriously still see good things in my experience in the fashion world & have not seen the bad stuff everyone talks about. Again, not to say that doesn't exist at all but I've not been subjected to nastiness or made to feel like the awkward, nerdy girl. I have firmly accepted at this point that I'm not "Josie Grossie" (to borrow from Never Been Kissed).

Got more going on as well, even haters. Seriously, I don't do adult films, have a contract with a major television network & am not being hounded by the media but I have haters so consumed with boredom, immaturity and stupidity that they go to the trouble of bothering people in my circle with nonsense. Who does that?

Just so you know, we consider being threatened, stalked, harassed, and other forms of nonsense that these idiots think are going to stop us from the creation of art badges of honor. It means you matter enough for someone to be pissed off at you. It also lends legitimacy to a career to have people target you for things you do in the course of living your own life. Don't haters realize that for the people in this industry who don't earn paychecks from it that making little threats & engaging in stupidity it means that the target has "made it" if someone hates them enough to create a hate website, stalkerish videos, hack their work, whatever else annoys/pisses off an artist enough to try & interfere with their creation of art?

Haters aren't doing anything to stop the person in question but encouraging their work. So if you don't like someone's work, I suggest you keep your damn mouth shut and not buy the movie ticket, rant about it online, write nasty notes to the actor/model/director/producer/whomever is involved, bother these peoples' families, etc. Detractors just make us more hellbent to do what we want; am I right or am I right, fellow creatives? Haters tell me I'm very much on the right track in what I'm doing regardless of what anyone else says.

Remember that saying "if you're pissing someone off, you must be doing something right?" I totally believe it & anyone with half a brain would agree. Pissing at least one person off should be enough incentive to prevent any right thinking person from committing suicide; suicide just lets the haters win while your continued existence doing what you do will piss them off, raise their blood pressure & maybe eventually give them a well deserved heart attack, coronary, stroke or other medical issue they wouldn't have if they tried living/improving upon their own lives.

I guess you could say my unofficial New Year's resolution was to be more open minded & try new things. Listen to new ideas I haven't considered before, do new things & move in a more positive direction. Enough with the negativity, damn it! I've had enough to cover me for quite some time. I know some of my friends & contacts can relate since they've had their own issues as well.

Nonetheless, the train keeps moving. More plans, more fun in the works & look forward to all of it. Maybe good outcomes will happen, maybe not. I just decided to be zen and follow that statement about the universe having you exactly where you're supposed to be at any given moment.