Lately, I've been a somewhat reflective mood. March 1st was literally 5 years to the day when life as I knew it in NYC changed permanently. What shall we call it? The day my ex-husband decided 100% I had no human worth or the day I fled for my mental sanity? Well, whatever you call it a lot of things have changed & I keep marveling at how things have turned around.
For one thing, I've figured out exactly how to structure my entertainment career. I had exclusive representation then realized it wasn't for me. Maybe it was just the manager I had but I felt like there was too much controlling nonsense going on and I'm not the type who needs Superman to swoop in and save her. A manager contact I actually know said I likely don't need a manager, just a good agent. It felt like where every attorney clamors to get the big law firm job, you get the big law firm job then you do it & realize it's not what you had in mind. In my case, I felt like I was being repressed and having my sense of self-sufficiency taken away. I felt like I was being forced into a mold that didn't fit who I am & I don't want to do a career based around what I'm not. I want a representative who accepts and likes who I am. Somebody who's not going to tell me to hide my film company experience or my law licenses or my producing abilities or get attitude because I'm not some idiot. Someone who's not going to try horning in on things I did by myself or expecting me to placate the insecure assholes who want me to dim my light so they feel better about themselves. I realized I'd rather have my own film production company and create my own content but you need money to do that properly. You'll make far more money doing legal work than you will waiting tables. Recent conversations with sorority sisters who also work in decision making parts of larger companies in the business also made me feel better about this choice since they agreed that I shouldn't have to hide my legal background or my film company experience on my own website and personal social media pages. I'm even getting that creative spark back to start doing writing again & have ideas on what I see going on that nobody is addressing or speaking my voice on. A suggestion to do standup is also something I'm giving real thought to and wondering if I can get receipts if I'm charged for open mic so I can deduct those as business expenses.
I've also been able to afford things I wanted to get and been able to feel more whole again. Getting clothes that were too big for me altered (still working on that). Got renter's insurance, set up an IRA again, got savings accounts, did LASIK and my cosmetic dental work and even got DVDs I didn't get in the big DVD split. Life feels less like deprivation to me now. I even got a new official legal bag and a baseball style jacket and a short sleeved hoodie (things I'd wanted for years & couldn't find). Since my legal hustle has improved and I've made better entertainment contacts, things feel like they're looking up. I've been going to yoga when I can, have a kitty cat around who likes me (not quite like having my own but she is a lot like one of my old kitties in her own way; I'm probably too busy to keep one at this point anyway), have had friends and FWBs who take me out on occasion, fixed problems in my room and living situation I thought would never happen, etc. There's always going to be room for improvement but it feels like many of the problems I've had to deal with aren't impossible to overcome. I even have far better looking in terms of romantic prospects though I'm holding out for Mr. Big Stuff at this point since nobody's come close to surpassing him and I don't think he'd have bothered apologizing to me before if he didn't care at all. He seems a lot like Captain Horndog in the sense that no matter what I do or how hard I push him away, he's just not going to let me push him out of the ring that is my life. I don't feel like a lot of people have that kind of spirit and temerity to deal with the redhead even if she's told you to fuck off, leave her alone, that sort of thing. Part of me feels like maybe he won't ambush me with saying he's going to take up with some other bitch; I know I couldn't do the "let's be friends" thing since I'd really feel resentful of not being given a true shot and like I meant absolutely nothing,
I've been contrasting the new normal with how things were 5 years ago. I still remember it but it's very surreal to me now. I had no means to be independent, I was living in the Scarface mansion, this might have been when I met this really cute guy at an event and he was wowed by me being able to drive a pickup truck after I'd done that out of mere necessity (getting the cat who lived there his cat food since no one else was around to get it and there was no other vehicle I could use for that purpose), I was full on in Phase One of the divorce & had no idea if I was going to be around after October 13th of that year. Months were endless for me, I felt like a ghost and I was fighting to keep things that were just slipping away and vanishing. It also felt like I'd just woken up from a coma when I went to the Scarface mansion & everything had changed.
The perfect symbol of my life is the Cadbury Chocolate Creme Egg.
When my whole "Sex & the City" lifestyle first started, I was eating tons of those. I was staying in the East Village and saw them in the nearby CVS on sale. It was "Chocolate!!! Must get!" Those were something I was able to get and having them helped my emotional state a lot. It's literally super chocolate, a must for the chocolate fiend. Anytime I saw them on the cheap, I bought at least 3 of them. They also got me through 2015 when I was dealing with being on public assistance. I hadn't really had them so much before that whole situation happened.
This year, I go to find those and can't find them to save my life. I look online and no such luck. I can't even figure out what happened. Did they get discontinued? Were they recalled? Why can't you find them? Anything else just pales by comparison. It's made me annoyed but it's also felt like the end of an era, the era of me feeling cheated and wronged from what happened to me. Sometime last year it just felt irrelevant but now since I've been able to do for myself more and get things I've needed for ages but hadn't been able to do in years past, it feels like the scales have balanced out and I don't have to feel cheated and deprived anymore. I also feel like I've survived the worst and anything else that comes my way is far easier to deal with. How can you possibly tell someone who's survived the things I have that she needs to be concerned about what the rest of the world thinks of her or that she's got to cater to someone else's self-esteem problems? On what universe would that ever make sense? I also keep hearing and reading about situations where people followed their hearts, charted their own paths and it led to success. I'm just wondering when the heck I'm getting MY due on such things. As I said, there's still room for improvement though things are far better than they were 5 years ago.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Friday, April 19, 2019
Friday, December 19, 2014
Lawyers (Especially Divorce Lawyers): Stop Pretending You Give a Damn!!!
You know how family & divorce attorneys have these grand websites telling you how much they care about their clients & how much pro bono work/helping others they do? Well, in my experience that is total & utter bullshit.
The only time any of these people care is if you've got thousands of dollars to pay a retainer. I have encountered exactly zero family law attorneys, even among people I know, who have said "Here, Angry Redheaded Lawyer let me alleviate your stress & help you on this divorce against your ex's pro attorney." I've not had any type of regard shown for me by actual divorce attorneys in my region who know this area & could help me if they had half a mind to or even some tiny shred of empathy for me.
Realistically, legal aid is not a good option for someone who is an attorney, needs legal counsel at once & is being argued against a man so scummy he had the gall to ask for maintenance and counsel fees from someone who's got NOTHING whatsoever because he stole it all AND illegally evicted her with the help of the landlord.
If you were in this situation & yourself an attorney in need, wouldn't you find it incredibly hypocritical to find some divorce attorney's website saying they care about their clients & do all this pro bono work when they refuse to bother to help you or do anything useful? Not even saying something like "You are a stronger person than me" or "You are stronger than most people because you haven't developed a substance abuse problem, gone insane or crawled back to Mommy & Daddy's after all that. I admire you for it."
Turning away someone when they ask for help, especially if they aren't the type of person who likes asking in the first place, is how suicide and downfalls happen. Without going into too much detail, I have still managed to stay in the Tri-State area & haven't gotten addicted to drugs or alcohol, attempted suicide, gotten committed to an insane asylum or crawled right back to Mommy and Daddy's house. In some ways, life is better for me now than it was with my ex.
Some of you should ask yourselves what you'd do if my situation happened to YOU. What would you do? Where would you be? How would you cope? If you think things would be 100% peachy keen, you're dead wrong. Even if you had a million dollars, you'd still have the emotional stuff to deal with & it would be very tempting to go buy some drugs or alcohol to muffle your pain. Imagine that your entire life, everything you knew for years, was gone. Everything is turned upside down & you had to fight to keep vestiges from your whole life and not end up in a full regression. Divorce is very much a regression along with a grieving period. I dare anyone who'd judge me or diss me to live a few months in my shoes. Give up your creature comforts, your easy money, a steady job, nearness to your family & see what happens. I think I'm entitled to some "props" and a little moral superiority if I look down on you for not being able to hack it as well as me.
I'd bet you if I were to kill myself or end up in legal trouble for drunk driving or drugs or got committed, these same people would be all sad & say "I wish I could have helped," "I had no idea" & "What could I have done?" Ha! I've given you the answer and you ignored it. These people would try turning my death or downfall into some great unsolvable tragedy when they in fact simply failed as human beings & did nothing. That is something I'd want these jerks to take with them & feel.
Unlike some of these lawyers who put on shows about how great they are as humanitarians, I've actually helped people for free before. Advice, sending sample forms, I've done that for colleagues. I've stood by my friends & if they were in dire straits & needed MY help, I wouldn't be a callous bitch refusing to do something I could easily do for them.
In the entertainment field, there are people who'd have your back and give a damn about not adding to your stress. People who actually ARE humanitarian in their nature, who will do for you instead of being a bloodsucking, lying asshole pretending to care when what they care about is the size of your wallet. There is SOME professional courtesy in the entertainment field that I'm not seeing in the legal field. I sure hope these people don't think I'd hire them if I had the money to retain them. If I had the money, I wouldn't bother with anyone I've contacted since they have proven to be total liars, completely unsympathetic & reinforcing my full on hatred of attorneys.
If you wanted to know why I won't do for other attorneys the way I do for other creatives, this is your answer. Producers & directors tend to help their friends and hire them for things. There's apparently zero friendship with your so-called attorney "friends" when you actually need their services & they could help you but just don't bother. Some could certainly afford it & frankly, my finances are likely in far worse shape than many of theirs at this point since I didn't talk to newbies just starting out. People in the entertainment industry will even help strangers in need sometimes. It seems attorneys don't do that, at least in divorce law. I've been told of attorneys who did barter with some clients. No one has offered that with me or bothered to be creative in things.
How many of you are sitting unemployed right now? Who will get off your ass & maybe actually HELP someone, even your own peers? I know how the game works, I know what legal aid offers & how that deal works so I get very insulted when people suggest that like I have no knowledge or thought of that. Let's get serious here.
So, there's a prime example of blatant hypocrisy for you & a damn good reason to hate lawyers. If I do a job website & ads I'm not going to say I "care" or that I do "pro bono" efforts when I don't. These attorneys should just say "if you can't afford my retainer, I don't care if your ex has the top divorce attorney in the country & you're broke with no rich people or good credit to get money from; I don't give a damn & wouldn't shed a tear if you died, had a nervous breakdown, ended up homeless or had your entire quality of life vanish b/c of the inaction of me and every other divorce attorney in this town."
People keep telling me to "move on" but how does one move on when they have to confront that reality of divorce all the time by having to represent themselves & handle it all by themselves, especially when their opposition is a spoiled brat with expert legal counsel they'd never be able to afford without Mommy & Daddy? That situation makes it impossible for me to move on so if you want me to stop talking about or dealing with it, how about getting me a divorce lawyer?
You'd think at the very least, some divorce attorney would like the challenge, have the Christmas spirit, want to help their own, have some righteous indignation at spoiled brat man children who treat their wives the way mine treated me after (my father died 9 months beforehand, by the way) or want to get in my good graces since if I can afford one, I sure won't hire anyone I contacted & especially not anyone who makes this big show of claiming to be SOOOO caring and humane when they aren't at all. Honesty will win points with me. Reinforcing my hatred of lawyers as a group will not; it simply makes me all the more wary & hostile toward them.
So if you're an attorney reaching out & I ask you certain questions or feel wary of you, that is why. Don't tell me "you shouldn't handle your own divorce" then have zero practical steps for me to not do that. It's just like with job hunts; everyone can give you pat answers & advice but never provide you actual contacts or an interview opportunity to really help you. Pat answers & advice are a waste of everyone's time. If you don't have actual knowledge on someone's problem, it's best to keep your mouth shut.
The only time any of these people care is if you've got thousands of dollars to pay a retainer. I have encountered exactly zero family law attorneys, even among people I know, who have said "Here, Angry Redheaded Lawyer let me alleviate your stress & help you on this divorce against your ex's pro attorney." I've not had any type of regard shown for me by actual divorce attorneys in my region who know this area & could help me if they had half a mind to or even some tiny shred of empathy for me.
Realistically, legal aid is not a good option for someone who is an attorney, needs legal counsel at once & is being argued against a man so scummy he had the gall to ask for maintenance and counsel fees from someone who's got NOTHING whatsoever because he stole it all AND illegally evicted her with the help of the landlord.
If you were in this situation & yourself an attorney in need, wouldn't you find it incredibly hypocritical to find some divorce attorney's website saying they care about their clients & do all this pro bono work when they refuse to bother to help you or do anything useful? Not even saying something like "You are a stronger person than me" or "You are stronger than most people because you haven't developed a substance abuse problem, gone insane or crawled back to Mommy & Daddy's after all that. I admire you for it."
Turning away someone when they ask for help, especially if they aren't the type of person who likes asking in the first place, is how suicide and downfalls happen. Without going into too much detail, I have still managed to stay in the Tri-State area & haven't gotten addicted to drugs or alcohol, attempted suicide, gotten committed to an insane asylum or crawled right back to Mommy and Daddy's house. In some ways, life is better for me now than it was with my ex.
Some of you should ask yourselves what you'd do if my situation happened to YOU. What would you do? Where would you be? How would you cope? If you think things would be 100% peachy keen, you're dead wrong. Even if you had a million dollars, you'd still have the emotional stuff to deal with & it would be very tempting to go buy some drugs or alcohol to muffle your pain. Imagine that your entire life, everything you knew for years, was gone. Everything is turned upside down & you had to fight to keep vestiges from your whole life and not end up in a full regression. Divorce is very much a regression along with a grieving period. I dare anyone who'd judge me or diss me to live a few months in my shoes. Give up your creature comforts, your easy money, a steady job, nearness to your family & see what happens. I think I'm entitled to some "props" and a little moral superiority if I look down on you for not being able to hack it as well as me.
I'd bet you if I were to kill myself or end up in legal trouble for drunk driving or drugs or got committed, these same people would be all sad & say "I wish I could have helped," "I had no idea" & "What could I have done?" Ha! I've given you the answer and you ignored it. These people would try turning my death or downfall into some great unsolvable tragedy when they in fact simply failed as human beings & did nothing. That is something I'd want these jerks to take with them & feel.
Unlike some of these lawyers who put on shows about how great they are as humanitarians, I've actually helped people for free before. Advice, sending sample forms, I've done that for colleagues. I've stood by my friends & if they were in dire straits & needed MY help, I wouldn't be a callous bitch refusing to do something I could easily do for them.
In the entertainment field, there are people who'd have your back and give a damn about not adding to your stress. People who actually ARE humanitarian in their nature, who will do for you instead of being a bloodsucking, lying asshole pretending to care when what they care about is the size of your wallet. There is SOME professional courtesy in the entertainment field that I'm not seeing in the legal field. I sure hope these people don't think I'd hire them if I had the money to retain them. If I had the money, I wouldn't bother with anyone I've contacted since they have proven to be total liars, completely unsympathetic & reinforcing my full on hatred of attorneys.
If you wanted to know why I won't do for other attorneys the way I do for other creatives, this is your answer. Producers & directors tend to help their friends and hire them for things. There's apparently zero friendship with your so-called attorney "friends" when you actually need their services & they could help you but just don't bother. Some could certainly afford it & frankly, my finances are likely in far worse shape than many of theirs at this point since I didn't talk to newbies just starting out. People in the entertainment industry will even help strangers in need sometimes. It seems attorneys don't do that, at least in divorce law. I've been told of attorneys who did barter with some clients. No one has offered that with me or bothered to be creative in things.
How many of you are sitting unemployed right now? Who will get off your ass & maybe actually HELP someone, even your own peers? I know how the game works, I know what legal aid offers & how that deal works so I get very insulted when people suggest that like I have no knowledge or thought of that. Let's get serious here.
So, there's a prime example of blatant hypocrisy for you & a damn good reason to hate lawyers. If I do a job website & ads I'm not going to say I "care" or that I do "pro bono" efforts when I don't. These attorneys should just say "if you can't afford my retainer, I don't care if your ex has the top divorce attorney in the country & you're broke with no rich people or good credit to get money from; I don't give a damn & wouldn't shed a tear if you died, had a nervous breakdown, ended up homeless or had your entire quality of life vanish b/c of the inaction of me and every other divorce attorney in this town."
People keep telling me to "move on" but how does one move on when they have to confront that reality of divorce all the time by having to represent themselves & handle it all by themselves, especially when their opposition is a spoiled brat with expert legal counsel they'd never be able to afford without Mommy & Daddy? That situation makes it impossible for me to move on so if you want me to stop talking about or dealing with it, how about getting me a divorce lawyer?
You'd think at the very least, some divorce attorney would like the challenge, have the Christmas spirit, want to help their own, have some righteous indignation at spoiled brat man children who treat their wives the way mine treated me after (my father died 9 months beforehand, by the way) or want to get in my good graces since if I can afford one, I sure won't hire anyone I contacted & especially not anyone who makes this big show of claiming to be SOOOO caring and humane when they aren't at all. Honesty will win points with me. Reinforcing my hatred of lawyers as a group will not; it simply makes me all the more wary & hostile toward them.
So if you're an attorney reaching out & I ask you certain questions or feel wary of you, that is why. Don't tell me "you shouldn't handle your own divorce" then have zero practical steps for me to not do that. It's just like with job hunts; everyone can give you pat answers & advice but never provide you actual contacts or an interview opportunity to really help you. Pat answers & advice are a waste of everyone's time. If you don't have actual knowledge on someone's problem, it's best to keep your mouth shut.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
When a Relationship Dies: That Limbo Between Separation and the Finalized Divorce
Have had so much going on lately but just so you haters know, whether you like it or not, you aren't keeping me down. This is nothing compared to the crap I went through before. I'll also challenge any one of you to be in my shoes & see how you manage. One friend told me recently that 9 out of 10 people in my position would have crumbled; I haven't. I also refuse to give certain assholes the satisfaction of any failure or suicide on my part.
Did you ever wake up to find out everything you thought you knew was a total lie? That's what the end of a marriage feels like, especially if you're on the receiving end of "we should get separated."
Due to the pathetic who can't just get a life & because life is far too short to be around anyone who's going to drag you down, I'm not going to get into specifics publicly but let's just say mine's not all that great though it could be much worse. For instance, at least I don't have kids. There may not be a time I've been happier to be childfree & having had a tubal ligation than this one. No kid should have to see what I've seen or go through a divorce. Just like every other relationship I ever had, the end of this one has broken down and gotten ugly.
One can also rest easy in the fact that businesses providing personal services are very familiar with folks getting separated & don't give you issues on splitting the billing and such. I've also found in talking to people that lots of them are either getting divorced themselves, recently got divorced or have been divorced before. I feel like there should be some sort of club or maybe a support group for divorced people. Does that exist, I wonder?
When I heard the words "it's time to get separated" and being told to leave b/c of my income status, my life felt like a movie someone had pressed the Pause button on. You'd better hope if you're on the receiving end that you can be resourceful, have some friends who care & the slightest bit of optimism. I at least have housing to stay in & won't become homeless.
Again, no one & nothing will be knocking me down especially someone who is far less resourceful, emotionally strong or self-sufficient. That's the attitude you have to have if you're going through a divorce; you can't let others win & no matter how much you want to, you have to accept the reality of the situation and move onward. You be a "young heart" running free, okay?
I feel like the men in our family seem to think that because my father is dead, they can treat us like shit & get zero repercussions. Infuriates me but I'll give one of them credit for not finding the things I'm going through remotely acceptable.
Shortly after getting that bombshell dropped on me, I went out to an event & then was going to meet a friend concerning a potential housing prospect. On the way to catch my train, had a guy near my age hit on me in the subway station. I even got his phone number. I took that as a sign this divorce is the right move for me at this stage of life. Let's face facts: if your spouse views you as a financial burden, defines your worth as a human being based on the size of the paycheck you bring home & declares you are lazy when you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing to win at your career and in life in general while that spouse isn't doing those things (despite being proven wrong by every single successful person & advice website/resource out there), then you are in a bad marriage. That's a "what's the point of being married" type marriage. That's a "life is too short; get the hell out of there" situation. That's an abusive spouse.
Sorry, folks but money doesn't rule my world. It's not the be all, end all for me. There are far more important things to me & if more people got that lesson, the world would be a better place. I value things like friendship, family, integrity, loyalty, self-worth, dignity far more than money. You can't take money with you when you die. Money isn't going to love you or give you emotional support. Losing money isn't nearly as bad as losing your loved ones. I speak from experience here; just ask my mother if she'd rather have money or my father. She herself said she'd much rather have her husband back, despite him having many flaws.
Go talk to all those rich people who are miserable despite never having to worry about finances. There are some & one thing I have learned in my life is the presence of money doesn't = a problem free life. Sometimes, having money means you have more problems since then you have to wonder if people actually like you for yourself or your money. I feel like I'm viewed as a failed meal ticket while I still have total faith in what I do & know with every fiber of my being that I'm the real deal. Some very successful people in the entertainment industry are flat broke, in fact or were after getting mainstream success so further confirmation of my point.
It's kind of funny that I'm about to do what I had planned to do 10 years ago if I hadn't gotten into law school. I was going to move to NYC with $10,000, my car, a few possessions and survive by my wits. Think Nomi Malone in Showgirls after the guy steals her suitcase and she's stuck in the parking lot of the casino with no money. She lucks into getting a place & doesn't do too badly for herself. Not that I'd end up becoming a stripper or a showgirl (especially at this point) but that wasn't someone who sat back and became a victim; she took control of her life & didn't take shit from anyone.
You only get one life & I've always believed in taking risks if your status quo is making you miserable to the point that bad things are going to happen if you don't fix it soon. Death touching me has made me even more adventurous & less amenable to taking shit from others. I also have some inspiring people around me who lift me up, encourage me & would tell me to go for things instead of hiding like a turtle in its shell. Finally, we have to own our own lives. YOU are the one who's going to be miserable if you don't make changes & no one wants to hear you bitch about how bad you've got it when you're taking zero steps to improve things for yourself.
If I've changed, I think it's a change for the better. Anyone who cares about you should want you to have more self-confidence, more belief in yourself & think better of who you are. Modeling has been a help to me & doing shows as well as interacting with that community is one of the things that's kept me going.
So, how do you know when a relationship is dead? I think you know when the other person no longer regards you as a human being, respects your feelings or bothers to listen to what you have to say. I think it's also over if there's only one adult around & if they aren't thinking in terms of "we" but in terms of "me." When it's not "us against the world" but "me against him/her & the world."
Oh, and never, ever stay with someone who puts you last no matter what. No spouse should be putting their family ahead of the other spouse unless that spouse was making up something horrible about a relative like accusing someone of child molestation or rape & there being 100% definitive objective proof (not a lie detector test or the relative's word) that the relative didn't do it. Does anyone have in-laws who aren't total beasts? I'd like to meet that fortunate soul. That reality is a big reason I believe family is what you create, not what you're born into.
Now I've had the marital relationship fail me. At this point, no way would I get married again unless maybe it was an open marriage. I can't do commitment or attachments since it's like I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop & to get betrayed once again. I sure won't be giving up my independence & the next guy will most likely have to sign a pre-nup.
Is it just me, by the way, or did some of you ladies end up in this situation and find potential suitors line up for you? Just curious. I'd figure this would be the last moment any guy would want to try stepping up to me (particularly if he didn't know me before or harbor some eons old crush; I'm speaking of total strangers here). I'm in an even more bitter & cynical state than I was when I was single. The best you can hope for is me going back to the cynicism & jaded detachment I had when I was single. Yeah, I may be hot & all that but I figure hot can only take you so far. Eventually, you have to talk to a divorced person & I'm familiar with the "bitter divorced guy" trope. I dated a divorced guy in college; he was 14 years older than me. It wasn't a bad relationship but it was a Mr. Right Now thing.
That's where my mind is now. I figure Mr. Right is dead & I ended up with an emotionally abusive person in his place.
If you feel some sympathy or aren't a total douche, you can contribute to a GoFundMe campaign I created as one part of dealing with all this. Link available if you ask nicely.
Did you ever wake up to find out everything you thought you knew was a total lie? That's what the end of a marriage feels like, especially if you're on the receiving end of "we should get separated."
Due to the pathetic who can't just get a life & because life is far too short to be around anyone who's going to drag you down, I'm not going to get into specifics publicly but let's just say mine's not all that great though it could be much worse. For instance, at least I don't have kids. There may not be a time I've been happier to be childfree & having had a tubal ligation than this one. No kid should have to see what I've seen or go through a divorce. Just like every other relationship I ever had, the end of this one has broken down and gotten ugly.
One can also rest easy in the fact that businesses providing personal services are very familiar with folks getting separated & don't give you issues on splitting the billing and such. I've also found in talking to people that lots of them are either getting divorced themselves, recently got divorced or have been divorced before. I feel like there should be some sort of club or maybe a support group for divorced people. Does that exist, I wonder?
When I heard the words "it's time to get separated" and being told to leave b/c of my income status, my life felt like a movie someone had pressed the Pause button on. You'd better hope if you're on the receiving end that you can be resourceful, have some friends who care & the slightest bit of optimism. I at least have housing to stay in & won't become homeless.
Again, no one & nothing will be knocking me down especially someone who is far less resourceful, emotionally strong or self-sufficient. That's the attitude you have to have if you're going through a divorce; you can't let others win & no matter how much you want to, you have to accept the reality of the situation and move onward. You be a "young heart" running free, okay?
I feel like the men in our family seem to think that because my father is dead, they can treat us like shit & get zero repercussions. Infuriates me but I'll give one of them credit for not finding the things I'm going through remotely acceptable.
Shortly after getting that bombshell dropped on me, I went out to an event & then was going to meet a friend concerning a potential housing prospect. On the way to catch my train, had a guy near my age hit on me in the subway station. I even got his phone number. I took that as a sign this divorce is the right move for me at this stage of life. Let's face facts: if your spouse views you as a financial burden, defines your worth as a human being based on the size of the paycheck you bring home & declares you are lazy when you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing to win at your career and in life in general while that spouse isn't doing those things (despite being proven wrong by every single successful person & advice website/resource out there), then you are in a bad marriage. That's a "what's the point of being married" type marriage. That's a "life is too short; get the hell out of there" situation. That's an abusive spouse.
Sorry, folks but money doesn't rule my world. It's not the be all, end all for me. There are far more important things to me & if more people got that lesson, the world would be a better place. I value things like friendship, family, integrity, loyalty, self-worth, dignity far more than money. You can't take money with you when you die. Money isn't going to love you or give you emotional support. Losing money isn't nearly as bad as losing your loved ones. I speak from experience here; just ask my mother if she'd rather have money or my father. She herself said she'd much rather have her husband back, despite him having many flaws.
Go talk to all those rich people who are miserable despite never having to worry about finances. There are some & one thing I have learned in my life is the presence of money doesn't = a problem free life. Sometimes, having money means you have more problems since then you have to wonder if people actually like you for yourself or your money. I feel like I'm viewed as a failed meal ticket while I still have total faith in what I do & know with every fiber of my being that I'm the real deal. Some very successful people in the entertainment industry are flat broke, in fact or were after getting mainstream success so further confirmation of my point.
It's kind of funny that I'm about to do what I had planned to do 10 years ago if I hadn't gotten into law school. I was going to move to NYC with $10,000, my car, a few possessions and survive by my wits. Think Nomi Malone in Showgirls after the guy steals her suitcase and she's stuck in the parking lot of the casino with no money. She lucks into getting a place & doesn't do too badly for herself. Not that I'd end up becoming a stripper or a showgirl (especially at this point) but that wasn't someone who sat back and became a victim; she took control of her life & didn't take shit from anyone.
You only get one life & I've always believed in taking risks if your status quo is making you miserable to the point that bad things are going to happen if you don't fix it soon. Death touching me has made me even more adventurous & less amenable to taking shit from others. I also have some inspiring people around me who lift me up, encourage me & would tell me to go for things instead of hiding like a turtle in its shell. Finally, we have to own our own lives. YOU are the one who's going to be miserable if you don't make changes & no one wants to hear you bitch about how bad you've got it when you're taking zero steps to improve things for yourself.
If I've changed, I think it's a change for the better. Anyone who cares about you should want you to have more self-confidence, more belief in yourself & think better of who you are. Modeling has been a help to me & doing shows as well as interacting with that community is one of the things that's kept me going.
So, how do you know when a relationship is dead? I think you know when the other person no longer regards you as a human being, respects your feelings or bothers to listen to what you have to say. I think it's also over if there's only one adult around & if they aren't thinking in terms of "we" but in terms of "me." When it's not "us against the world" but "me against him/her & the world."
Oh, and never, ever stay with someone who puts you last no matter what. No spouse should be putting their family ahead of the other spouse unless that spouse was making up something horrible about a relative like accusing someone of child molestation or rape & there being 100% definitive objective proof (not a lie detector test or the relative's word) that the relative didn't do it. Does anyone have in-laws who aren't total beasts? I'd like to meet that fortunate soul. That reality is a big reason I believe family is what you create, not what you're born into.
Now I've had the marital relationship fail me. At this point, no way would I get married again unless maybe it was an open marriage. I can't do commitment or attachments since it's like I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop & to get betrayed once again. I sure won't be giving up my independence & the next guy will most likely have to sign a pre-nup.
Is it just me, by the way, or did some of you ladies end up in this situation and find potential suitors line up for you? Just curious. I'd figure this would be the last moment any guy would want to try stepping up to me (particularly if he didn't know me before or harbor some eons old crush; I'm speaking of total strangers here). I'm in an even more bitter & cynical state than I was when I was single. The best you can hope for is me going back to the cynicism & jaded detachment I had when I was single. Yeah, I may be hot & all that but I figure hot can only take you so far. Eventually, you have to talk to a divorced person & I'm familiar with the "bitter divorced guy" trope. I dated a divorced guy in college; he was 14 years older than me. It wasn't a bad relationship but it was a Mr. Right Now thing.
That's where my mind is now. I figure Mr. Right is dead & I ended up with an emotionally abusive person in his place.
If you feel some sympathy or aren't a total douche, you can contribute to a GoFundMe campaign I created as one part of dealing with all this. Link available if you ask nicely.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
The Mystery of Why Some Places Aren't Closed On Snow Days is Solved
I know I haven't updated in a while. Thanks to those of you who've kept reading despite all that. I've been too busy dealing with bullshit lately.
For one thing, I'm getting separated & will be getting a divorce. I can't say I'll miss this relationship as it's been in the past few months & at least I know who can be counted on and who can't. You also can't stay with someone who refuses to grow up and behave like an adult (such as living within a budget, not putting their parents & other relatives ahead of their spouse). An adult doesn't ignore state marital property laws or is naive enough to think you can abandon physical affection and say "I want a separation" to your spouse then think they have a right to know about the spouse's affairs or keep tabs on where they go. If you don't care about the spouse, then it's not your business anymore.
There's so much I can say on all this & boy do I have some views on the subject but those will have to wait for when all is said and done. I can at least say it's better not to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe in you, doesn't love you and doesn't have your back no matter what. A relationship like that is totally not worth it & when you recognize the signs, it's time to get out. Freedom, no matter what materials you lose, is far better than being a slave in a virtual prison. That Young Hearts Run Free song is dead on accurate; I was listening to it last night since it seemed fitting for this time.
You'll have to ask me privately if you want more details.
So, I went on Facebook today to find that schools in NYC were open despite bad weather. Apparently the rationale for opening schools & libraries is that these places are glorified babysitters and cafeterias for the poor kids. If they are closed, the argument goes, these people won't eat.
Well, where are the parents I ask? Why aren't THEY taking some personal responsibility?
First off, if you couldn't afford to have a child or another one why in God's name did you have one? NYC is not a place where you can't get an abortion or birth control if needed. We also have that law where you can abandon newborns at hospitals, police & fire stations if you can't hack it so the state can deal with this kid. Not saying it's a great option but it is out there.
Second, if you are that destitute, why are you living in NYC (land of common snowfall)? Why don't you move to a warmer climate where schools are rarely closed? Using that argument to endanger other people's lives reminds me of the people affected by Hurricane Katrina who whined about being involved there but stayed in the storm & put their homes in an area prone to flooding. Your lack of preparation is not society's fault.
By that token, YOUR refusal to be an adult or doing what you need to to care for your kids is not the fault of teachers, librarians and others who are forced to come into work to cater to YOUR sorry behind. Since when does YOUR child or YOUR family trump the lives of the teachers & school personnel. Don't THEY have families & kids who might miss them if they get killed or injured in accidents caused by snow & ice?
Call me heartless or mean all you want but the schools & libraries aren't the hospital. Teachers & librarians aren't EMT workers, doctors or even MTA employees. Also, if you're that hungry missing a meal or two so the roads are cleared and safe to travel on isn't going to kill you. Human beings as a species are very resourceful & will do what they need to do to survive.
Do these people not have neighbors or friends who might help them? Could they not get food leftovers from a job? Even dumpster diving, which I'm not in favor of doing myself but if you're desperate you do what you've got to do? Maybe even a homeless shelter? I don't know but putting possibilities out there that don't involve opening schools & risking the lives of educators, cafeteria staff and anyone else who'd certainly get punished if they didn't come into work that day.
These aren't workplaces where the employees can miss work and not get shit over it. Some bosses seem to think driving on ice is no big deal whereas I had 2 near death experiences being in a car during a blizzard (thankfully my father was driving & he was super good at it having been a truck driver back in the day). You also never see the higher-ups at these places traversing the travel to go to work; they sit on their fat behinds at home while railing about social welfare.
When THEY strap on their snow tires, get off their fat asses & go into the office without complaint or leaving early, I might taken them more seriously. Until then, they can fuck off along with any so called "bleeding heart" who thinks this starving kids mess is a justification for endangering the lives of workers who have to do those jobs. What about THEIR kids? Are they supposed to leave their kids orphans or have them get injured in a school bus accident b/c some other parent couldn't be resourceful enough to get their kids fed that day?
How about these bleeding heart types get their butts out in the snow & ice and do these jobs, knowing they will be punished and penalized if they don't show up on time & leave on time regardless of the weather outside?
I don't think my estranged spouse signed on to be akin to an EMT when he became a public librarian. I'm sure if you asked other librarians and teachers, they would agree that if they wanted to have no holidays or snow days they'd have become EMTs, hospital workers, etc. Let's also remember these jobs pay a pittance compared to some of those other jobs.
For one thing, I'm getting separated & will be getting a divorce. I can't say I'll miss this relationship as it's been in the past few months & at least I know who can be counted on and who can't. You also can't stay with someone who refuses to grow up and behave like an adult (such as living within a budget, not putting their parents & other relatives ahead of their spouse). An adult doesn't ignore state marital property laws or is naive enough to think you can abandon physical affection and say "I want a separation" to your spouse then think they have a right to know about the spouse's affairs or keep tabs on where they go. If you don't care about the spouse, then it's not your business anymore.
There's so much I can say on all this & boy do I have some views on the subject but those will have to wait for when all is said and done. I can at least say it's better not to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe in you, doesn't love you and doesn't have your back no matter what. A relationship like that is totally not worth it & when you recognize the signs, it's time to get out. Freedom, no matter what materials you lose, is far better than being a slave in a virtual prison. That Young Hearts Run Free song is dead on accurate; I was listening to it last night since it seemed fitting for this time.
You'll have to ask me privately if you want more details.
So, I went on Facebook today to find that schools in NYC were open despite bad weather. Apparently the rationale for opening schools & libraries is that these places are glorified babysitters and cafeterias for the poor kids. If they are closed, the argument goes, these people won't eat.
Well, where are the parents I ask? Why aren't THEY taking some personal responsibility?
First off, if you couldn't afford to have a child or another one why in God's name did you have one? NYC is not a place where you can't get an abortion or birth control if needed. We also have that law where you can abandon newborns at hospitals, police & fire stations if you can't hack it so the state can deal with this kid. Not saying it's a great option but it is out there.
Second, if you are that destitute, why are you living in NYC (land of common snowfall)? Why don't you move to a warmer climate where schools are rarely closed? Using that argument to endanger other people's lives reminds me of the people affected by Hurricane Katrina who whined about being involved there but stayed in the storm & put their homes in an area prone to flooding. Your lack of preparation is not society's fault.
By that token, YOUR refusal to be an adult or doing what you need to to care for your kids is not the fault of teachers, librarians and others who are forced to come into work to cater to YOUR sorry behind. Since when does YOUR child or YOUR family trump the lives of the teachers & school personnel. Don't THEY have families & kids who might miss them if they get killed or injured in accidents caused by snow & ice?
Call me heartless or mean all you want but the schools & libraries aren't the hospital. Teachers & librarians aren't EMT workers, doctors or even MTA employees. Also, if you're that hungry missing a meal or two so the roads are cleared and safe to travel on isn't going to kill you. Human beings as a species are very resourceful & will do what they need to do to survive.
Do these people not have neighbors or friends who might help them? Could they not get food leftovers from a job? Even dumpster diving, which I'm not in favor of doing myself but if you're desperate you do what you've got to do? Maybe even a homeless shelter? I don't know but putting possibilities out there that don't involve opening schools & risking the lives of educators, cafeteria staff and anyone else who'd certainly get punished if they didn't come into work that day.
These aren't workplaces where the employees can miss work and not get shit over it. Some bosses seem to think driving on ice is no big deal whereas I had 2 near death experiences being in a car during a blizzard (thankfully my father was driving & he was super good at it having been a truck driver back in the day). You also never see the higher-ups at these places traversing the travel to go to work; they sit on their fat behinds at home while railing about social welfare.
When THEY strap on their snow tires, get off their fat asses & go into the office without complaint or leaving early, I might taken them more seriously. Until then, they can fuck off along with any so called "bleeding heart" who thinks this starving kids mess is a justification for endangering the lives of workers who have to do those jobs. What about THEIR kids? Are they supposed to leave their kids orphans or have them get injured in a school bus accident b/c some other parent couldn't be resourceful enough to get their kids fed that day?
How about these bleeding heart types get their butts out in the snow & ice and do these jobs, knowing they will be punished and penalized if they don't show up on time & leave on time regardless of the weather outside?
I don't think my estranged spouse signed on to be akin to an EMT when he became a public librarian. I'm sure if you asked other librarians and teachers, they would agree that if they wanted to have no holidays or snow days they'd have become EMTs, hospital workers, etc. Let's also remember these jobs pay a pittance compared to some of those other jobs.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Sanctity of Marriage (Yeah, Right)
I just saw this story yesterday about NY state FINALLY getting w/the 21st century & adopting a no fault divorce law.
So people opposed to the new no fault law claim that the sanctity of marriage will be destroyed if NY adopts it? Let's consider a few things:
1. The other 49 states have a no fault divorce law & the Earth is still turning. God hasn't sent any meteors to the states allowing this or the US for legalizing abortion.
2. You can get married if you're under 18 in some states & get a quick marriage in Las Vegas. See Britney Spears.
3. Gay people aren't being allowed to get married but you can get a divorce by yourself in most places & simply say that you're just not getting along w/your spouse.
If you ask me, I think the sanctity of marriage has long since disappeared. Claiming there is sanctity in marriage today is like saying bubble gum is a health food.
Now that doesn't mean some marriages don't have sanctity. I certainly think mine does considering I love my husband, have never & would never cheat on him and don't view my relationship as "till death do us part...until someone better comes along." There are people who manage to have marriages lasting for decades & are still happy.
Problem is, the divorce rate is still very high & I'm sure the rate of unhappy marriages is up there as well especially when people can't afford to get separated.
If you want to make marriage sacred again, how about not allowing people to get married without basic counseling, full disclosures of anything that could be a deal-breaker & institute a waiting period.
Let's also not allow divorce without reasonable guidelines for domestic abuse, infidelity, etc. Finally, stop encouraging "starter marriage" or marriage with someone who's a terrible parent if you wish to have kids (to be disclosed long before you walk down that aisle).
I see no reason why gay people shouldn't get married. Not every married couple has children & it denigrates my relationship to say that gay people can't marry b/c they can't breed naturally.
If you want religious aspects in a marriage, get married at your church. Your church should also get to marry anybody it wants to & not marry people who have beliefs they don't agree with. State marriage & religious marriage should have long been separate in my opinion.
But that argument against no fault divorce in New York still makes me chuckle.
I also saw this Craig's List ad & wonder if one of the scam bloggers might have posted it:
Student Loans (Midtown West)
Date: 2010-07-05, 6:50PM EDT
Reply to: gigs-kxspd-1827148968@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Hi. I am currently seeking a young, attractive male willing to pay back student loans in exchange for my company. Athletic build is a plus. I will dazzle you with the knowledge I've obtained from five years of school and accumulating debt. ;-)
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: no pay
PostingID: 1827148968
If any of you did, great stuff guys! Seriously. Let me know what responses you get.
So people opposed to the new no fault law claim that the sanctity of marriage will be destroyed if NY adopts it? Let's consider a few things:
1. The other 49 states have a no fault divorce law & the Earth is still turning. God hasn't sent any meteors to the states allowing this or the US for legalizing abortion.
2. You can get married if you're under 18 in some states & get a quick marriage in Las Vegas. See Britney Spears.
3. Gay people aren't being allowed to get married but you can get a divorce by yourself in most places & simply say that you're just not getting along w/your spouse.
If you ask me, I think the sanctity of marriage has long since disappeared. Claiming there is sanctity in marriage today is like saying bubble gum is a health food.
Now that doesn't mean some marriages don't have sanctity. I certainly think mine does considering I love my husband, have never & would never cheat on him and don't view my relationship as "till death do us part...until someone better comes along." There are people who manage to have marriages lasting for decades & are still happy.
Problem is, the divorce rate is still very high & I'm sure the rate of unhappy marriages is up there as well especially when people can't afford to get separated.
If you want to make marriage sacred again, how about not allowing people to get married without basic counseling, full disclosures of anything that could be a deal-breaker & institute a waiting period.
Let's also not allow divorce without reasonable guidelines for domestic abuse, infidelity, etc. Finally, stop encouraging "starter marriage" or marriage with someone who's a terrible parent if you wish to have kids (to be disclosed long before you walk down that aisle).
I see no reason why gay people shouldn't get married. Not every married couple has children & it denigrates my relationship to say that gay people can't marry b/c they can't breed naturally.
If you want religious aspects in a marriage, get married at your church. Your church should also get to marry anybody it wants to & not marry people who have beliefs they don't agree with. State marriage & religious marriage should have long been separate in my opinion.
But that argument against no fault divorce in New York still makes me chuckle.
I also saw this Craig's List ad & wonder if one of the scam bloggers might have posted it:
Student Loans (Midtown West)
Date: 2010-07-05, 6:50PM EDT
Reply to: gigs-kxspd-1827148968@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Hi. I am currently seeking a young, attractive male willing to pay back student loans in exchange for my company. Athletic build is a plus. I will dazzle you with the knowledge I've obtained from five years of school and accumulating debt. ;-)
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: no pay
PostingID: 1827148968
If any of you did, great stuff guys! Seriously. Let me know what responses you get.
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