Read this Slate article recently: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2014/04/separate_beds_in_marriage_i_love_my_husband_but_i_don_t_want_to_share_a.html
I have some insight on this since my mother & father did this later on. It was mostly because my mother could no longer tolerate my father's snoring and movement in his sleep. He apparently moved a lot, punching and kicking on occasion. Shockingly, I never saw her get injured from it but long after I was no longer living there she said she'd had enough & decided they needed to be in separate beds.
Plus, my father was working third shift and usually wasn't home to sleep until she had to leave for her day job.
Now I feel like their marriage was not on the best grounds considering he was an abusive alcoholic, an "asshole drunk" as I call it. For me personally, I felt like it just sounded bad all around & the separate beds thing was just icing on the cake.
So, about me: I'm probably the best person to sleep with. I don't mean in terms of sex (though no one's ever complained & I've only gotten praise for THAT, thank you). I mean in the fact that I don't snore (jerky ex claimed I did but only sometimes & not loudly), don't move around, don't talk (and if so, not much), am not a light or super heavy sleeper & if a guy I'm with initiates sex, I'll usually submit even if I'm asleep. The ex told me I pushed him away a few times but I don't remember that. I don't recall it being during the 15 months of misery but if it was, I guess that should have been my first clue.
Funny thing is we were sleeping in the same bed up until the very end though after the blowup it was an unspoken "this is my side, that's yours & never shall the two meet" (jerkoff tried to violate that & I fought to keep him away from my turf or taking my part of the blankets; even asleep, we were in conflict). I started not being able to sleep too well, especially when the "let's get separated" boom was dropped. I think the first time I was able to sleep properly was when I got to my semi-permanent housing situation.
My therapist said the new people in my life have shown me more kindness than I probably got in my entire marriage.
The irony is just where I've found this kindness; it's been in some very unlikely places, places that I under my normal mindset & circumstances wouldn't have considered. No, didn't find it with racists or some group like that. More like people under categories I had negative assumptions about & made judgment on with regard to how they'd treat me. Not getting the treatment I expected is a bit of a mind blower but maybe I should be used to it. After all, a friend whose advances I rejected in favor of the scummy ex came through at a time when my perception of who he was dictated that he wouldn't. Seems I'll be spending more time re-evaluating things I believed and my perceptions of people.
Remember that sometimes the things you're looking for come from the last place you'd expect to find them. One thing for sure is that I've got tons of inspiration and material for writing and acting; I can definitely get to pain & down times along with serious complexity (though it's not like I had no complexity to me to start with). If I'd stuck to my previous judgments & not taken some leaps of faith, I wouldn't be where I'm at now & wouldn't have some valued folk in my life.
I've definitely come to value a good night's sleep in my private space. You appreciate little things when you've had your routine broken in dramatic fashion. It also feels like coming out into a post-apocalyptic world & looking for fellow survivors to converse with.
I also personally like touch & having a guy hold me or holding him at night. So unless some guy's snoring is unbearable (as in I won't be able to sleep even if I'm wearing ear plugs) or he's one of those punchers/kickers/consistent talkers/drools buckets all over me, I'm not for the separate beds and rooms thing. I feel like it's too puritanical, too 1950s TV show for my taste. I also like the easy access for certain things like sex at odd hours. Plus, if you've had someone you find chemistry with in your bed & you've been in those early stages there's that charge you get from being in the same bed with him/her. I've been in or had guys in my bed & remember feeling so charged I could barely sleep. Didn't even have to do anything; having the guy in my bed or being in his bed was enough for me.
Perhaps I had & maybe still have some romantic notions about things like that. Indulging stuff like that is a plus with me even though I'm still a cynic, can't do commitments or attachment and probably can't fully love anyone. At least as conventional society defines love, there's no way I can do it. I could never fully give up my independence & feel irked already at having given up so much of it for a marriage that was a total sham. I hate "you complete me" and the ex even said to me once after a brutal counseling session "Why can't you turn to me to solve your problems?" Well, excuse me for being a strong, independent woman. It seems like commitments like that require people, especially women, to give up their independent selves & to that I say "why bother?"
God help any guy trying to break my even harder shell of cynicism and refusal to get attached or committed. At least I can tell you precisely why I feel that way.
Showing posts with label cynicism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cynicism. Show all posts
Friday, April 18, 2014
Saturday, February 22, 2014
When a Relationship Dies: That Limbo Between Separation and the Finalized Divorce
Have had so much going on lately but just so you haters know, whether you like it or not, you aren't keeping me down. This is nothing compared to the crap I went through before. I'll also challenge any one of you to be in my shoes & see how you manage. One friend told me recently that 9 out of 10 people in my position would have crumbled; I haven't. I also refuse to give certain assholes the satisfaction of any failure or suicide on my part.
Did you ever wake up to find out everything you thought you knew was a total lie? That's what the end of a marriage feels like, especially if you're on the receiving end of "we should get separated."
Due to the pathetic who can't just get a life & because life is far too short to be around anyone who's going to drag you down, I'm not going to get into specifics publicly but let's just say mine's not all that great though it could be much worse. For instance, at least I don't have kids. There may not be a time I've been happier to be childfree & having had a tubal ligation than this one. No kid should have to see what I've seen or go through a divorce. Just like every other relationship I ever had, the end of this one has broken down and gotten ugly.
One can also rest easy in the fact that businesses providing personal services are very familiar with folks getting separated & don't give you issues on splitting the billing and such. I've also found in talking to people that lots of them are either getting divorced themselves, recently got divorced or have been divorced before. I feel like there should be some sort of club or maybe a support group for divorced people. Does that exist, I wonder?
When I heard the words "it's time to get separated" and being told to leave b/c of my income status, my life felt like a movie someone had pressed the Pause button on. You'd better hope if you're on the receiving end that you can be resourceful, have some friends who care & the slightest bit of optimism. I at least have housing to stay in & won't become homeless.
Again, no one & nothing will be knocking me down especially someone who is far less resourceful, emotionally strong or self-sufficient. That's the attitude you have to have if you're going through a divorce; you can't let others win & no matter how much you want to, you have to accept the reality of the situation and move onward. You be a "young heart" running free, okay?
I feel like the men in our family seem to think that because my father is dead, they can treat us like shit & get zero repercussions. Infuriates me but I'll give one of them credit for not finding the things I'm going through remotely acceptable.
Shortly after getting that bombshell dropped on me, I went out to an event & then was going to meet a friend concerning a potential housing prospect. On the way to catch my train, had a guy near my age hit on me in the subway station. I even got his phone number. I took that as a sign this divorce is the right move for me at this stage of life. Let's face facts: if your spouse views you as a financial burden, defines your worth as a human being based on the size of the paycheck you bring home & declares you are lazy when you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing to win at your career and in life in general while that spouse isn't doing those things (despite being proven wrong by every single successful person & advice website/resource out there), then you are in a bad marriage. That's a "what's the point of being married" type marriage. That's a "life is too short; get the hell out of there" situation. That's an abusive spouse.
Sorry, folks but money doesn't rule my world. It's not the be all, end all for me. There are far more important things to me & if more people got that lesson, the world would be a better place. I value things like friendship, family, integrity, loyalty, self-worth, dignity far more than money. You can't take money with you when you die. Money isn't going to love you or give you emotional support. Losing money isn't nearly as bad as losing your loved ones. I speak from experience here; just ask my mother if she'd rather have money or my father. She herself said she'd much rather have her husband back, despite him having many flaws.
Go talk to all those rich people who are miserable despite never having to worry about finances. There are some & one thing I have learned in my life is the presence of money doesn't = a problem free life. Sometimes, having money means you have more problems since then you have to wonder if people actually like you for yourself or your money. I feel like I'm viewed as a failed meal ticket while I still have total faith in what I do & know with every fiber of my being that I'm the real deal. Some very successful people in the entertainment industry are flat broke, in fact or were after getting mainstream success so further confirmation of my point.
It's kind of funny that I'm about to do what I had planned to do 10 years ago if I hadn't gotten into law school. I was going to move to NYC with $10,000, my car, a few possessions and survive by my wits. Think Nomi Malone in Showgirls after the guy steals her suitcase and she's stuck in the parking lot of the casino with no money. She lucks into getting a place & doesn't do too badly for herself. Not that I'd end up becoming a stripper or a showgirl (especially at this point) but that wasn't someone who sat back and became a victim; she took control of her life & didn't take shit from anyone.
You only get one life & I've always believed in taking risks if your status quo is making you miserable to the point that bad things are going to happen if you don't fix it soon. Death touching me has made me even more adventurous & less amenable to taking shit from others. I also have some inspiring people around me who lift me up, encourage me & would tell me to go for things instead of hiding like a turtle in its shell. Finally, we have to own our own lives. YOU are the one who's going to be miserable if you don't make changes & no one wants to hear you bitch about how bad you've got it when you're taking zero steps to improve things for yourself.
If I've changed, I think it's a change for the better. Anyone who cares about you should want you to have more self-confidence, more belief in yourself & think better of who you are. Modeling has been a help to me & doing shows as well as interacting with that community is one of the things that's kept me going.
So, how do you know when a relationship is dead? I think you know when the other person no longer regards you as a human being, respects your feelings or bothers to listen to what you have to say. I think it's also over if there's only one adult around & if they aren't thinking in terms of "we" but in terms of "me." When it's not "us against the world" but "me against him/her & the world."
Oh, and never, ever stay with someone who puts you last no matter what. No spouse should be putting their family ahead of the other spouse unless that spouse was making up something horrible about a relative like accusing someone of child molestation or rape & there being 100% definitive objective proof (not a lie detector test or the relative's word) that the relative didn't do it. Does anyone have in-laws who aren't total beasts? I'd like to meet that fortunate soul. That reality is a big reason I believe family is what you create, not what you're born into.
Now I've had the marital relationship fail me. At this point, no way would I get married again unless maybe it was an open marriage. I can't do commitment or attachments since it's like I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop & to get betrayed once again. I sure won't be giving up my independence & the next guy will most likely have to sign a pre-nup.
Is it just me, by the way, or did some of you ladies end up in this situation and find potential suitors line up for you? Just curious. I'd figure this would be the last moment any guy would want to try stepping up to me (particularly if he didn't know me before or harbor some eons old crush; I'm speaking of total strangers here). I'm in an even more bitter & cynical state than I was when I was single. The best you can hope for is me going back to the cynicism & jaded detachment I had when I was single. Yeah, I may be hot & all that but I figure hot can only take you so far. Eventually, you have to talk to a divorced person & I'm familiar with the "bitter divorced guy" trope. I dated a divorced guy in college; he was 14 years older than me. It wasn't a bad relationship but it was a Mr. Right Now thing.
That's where my mind is now. I figure Mr. Right is dead & I ended up with an emotionally abusive person in his place.
If you feel some sympathy or aren't a total douche, you can contribute to a GoFundMe campaign I created as one part of dealing with all this. Link available if you ask nicely.
Did you ever wake up to find out everything you thought you knew was a total lie? That's what the end of a marriage feels like, especially if you're on the receiving end of "we should get separated."
Due to the pathetic who can't just get a life & because life is far too short to be around anyone who's going to drag you down, I'm not going to get into specifics publicly but let's just say mine's not all that great though it could be much worse. For instance, at least I don't have kids. There may not be a time I've been happier to be childfree & having had a tubal ligation than this one. No kid should have to see what I've seen or go through a divorce. Just like every other relationship I ever had, the end of this one has broken down and gotten ugly.
One can also rest easy in the fact that businesses providing personal services are very familiar with folks getting separated & don't give you issues on splitting the billing and such. I've also found in talking to people that lots of them are either getting divorced themselves, recently got divorced or have been divorced before. I feel like there should be some sort of club or maybe a support group for divorced people. Does that exist, I wonder?
When I heard the words "it's time to get separated" and being told to leave b/c of my income status, my life felt like a movie someone had pressed the Pause button on. You'd better hope if you're on the receiving end that you can be resourceful, have some friends who care & the slightest bit of optimism. I at least have housing to stay in & won't become homeless.
Again, no one & nothing will be knocking me down especially someone who is far less resourceful, emotionally strong or self-sufficient. That's the attitude you have to have if you're going through a divorce; you can't let others win & no matter how much you want to, you have to accept the reality of the situation and move onward. You be a "young heart" running free, okay?
I feel like the men in our family seem to think that because my father is dead, they can treat us like shit & get zero repercussions. Infuriates me but I'll give one of them credit for not finding the things I'm going through remotely acceptable.
Shortly after getting that bombshell dropped on me, I went out to an event & then was going to meet a friend concerning a potential housing prospect. On the way to catch my train, had a guy near my age hit on me in the subway station. I even got his phone number. I took that as a sign this divorce is the right move for me at this stage of life. Let's face facts: if your spouse views you as a financial burden, defines your worth as a human being based on the size of the paycheck you bring home & declares you are lazy when you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing to win at your career and in life in general while that spouse isn't doing those things (despite being proven wrong by every single successful person & advice website/resource out there), then you are in a bad marriage. That's a "what's the point of being married" type marriage. That's a "life is too short; get the hell out of there" situation. That's an abusive spouse.
Sorry, folks but money doesn't rule my world. It's not the be all, end all for me. There are far more important things to me & if more people got that lesson, the world would be a better place. I value things like friendship, family, integrity, loyalty, self-worth, dignity far more than money. You can't take money with you when you die. Money isn't going to love you or give you emotional support. Losing money isn't nearly as bad as losing your loved ones. I speak from experience here; just ask my mother if she'd rather have money or my father. She herself said she'd much rather have her husband back, despite him having many flaws.
Go talk to all those rich people who are miserable despite never having to worry about finances. There are some & one thing I have learned in my life is the presence of money doesn't = a problem free life. Sometimes, having money means you have more problems since then you have to wonder if people actually like you for yourself or your money. I feel like I'm viewed as a failed meal ticket while I still have total faith in what I do & know with every fiber of my being that I'm the real deal. Some very successful people in the entertainment industry are flat broke, in fact or were after getting mainstream success so further confirmation of my point.
It's kind of funny that I'm about to do what I had planned to do 10 years ago if I hadn't gotten into law school. I was going to move to NYC with $10,000, my car, a few possessions and survive by my wits. Think Nomi Malone in Showgirls after the guy steals her suitcase and she's stuck in the parking lot of the casino with no money. She lucks into getting a place & doesn't do too badly for herself. Not that I'd end up becoming a stripper or a showgirl (especially at this point) but that wasn't someone who sat back and became a victim; she took control of her life & didn't take shit from anyone.
You only get one life & I've always believed in taking risks if your status quo is making you miserable to the point that bad things are going to happen if you don't fix it soon. Death touching me has made me even more adventurous & less amenable to taking shit from others. I also have some inspiring people around me who lift me up, encourage me & would tell me to go for things instead of hiding like a turtle in its shell. Finally, we have to own our own lives. YOU are the one who's going to be miserable if you don't make changes & no one wants to hear you bitch about how bad you've got it when you're taking zero steps to improve things for yourself.
If I've changed, I think it's a change for the better. Anyone who cares about you should want you to have more self-confidence, more belief in yourself & think better of who you are. Modeling has been a help to me & doing shows as well as interacting with that community is one of the things that's kept me going.
So, how do you know when a relationship is dead? I think you know when the other person no longer regards you as a human being, respects your feelings or bothers to listen to what you have to say. I think it's also over if there's only one adult around & if they aren't thinking in terms of "we" but in terms of "me." When it's not "us against the world" but "me against him/her & the world."
Oh, and never, ever stay with someone who puts you last no matter what. No spouse should be putting their family ahead of the other spouse unless that spouse was making up something horrible about a relative like accusing someone of child molestation or rape & there being 100% definitive objective proof (not a lie detector test or the relative's word) that the relative didn't do it. Does anyone have in-laws who aren't total beasts? I'd like to meet that fortunate soul. That reality is a big reason I believe family is what you create, not what you're born into.
Now I've had the marital relationship fail me. At this point, no way would I get married again unless maybe it was an open marriage. I can't do commitment or attachments since it's like I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop & to get betrayed once again. I sure won't be giving up my independence & the next guy will most likely have to sign a pre-nup.
Is it just me, by the way, or did some of you ladies end up in this situation and find potential suitors line up for you? Just curious. I'd figure this would be the last moment any guy would want to try stepping up to me (particularly if he didn't know me before or harbor some eons old crush; I'm speaking of total strangers here). I'm in an even more bitter & cynical state than I was when I was single. The best you can hope for is me going back to the cynicism & jaded detachment I had when I was single. Yeah, I may be hot & all that but I figure hot can only take you so far. Eventually, you have to talk to a divorced person & I'm familiar with the "bitter divorced guy" trope. I dated a divorced guy in college; he was 14 years older than me. It wasn't a bad relationship but it was a Mr. Right Now thing.
That's where my mind is now. I figure Mr. Right is dead & I ended up with an emotionally abusive person in his place.
If you feel some sympathy or aren't a total douche, you can contribute to a GoFundMe campaign I created as one part of dealing with all this. Link available if you ask nicely.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
My Social Media Article in the New York County Lawyer, Another Job Rejection & What I'm Hearing From the Universe
Right before I left town, my article on social media was published in NYCLA's newsletter, New York County Lawyer. You can read it here. Go to page 12.
Did you notice that my title wasn't listed in the Table of Contents in the front? I did. I also want you to read the other articles in there. Then, read mine. Did you see the difference in writing style? It's unmistakeable. I also decided to tackle a viewpoint that's not being spouted by Career Builder, HR blog writers or anyone in the legal community.
After all, this blog is by design not written to impress anyone. Who I am in general is also not designed to impress anyone. I actually evolved from 7th grade; had I not done this, I'd have probably committed my own school shooting & been far more legendary as well as successful at it than those Columbine boys. They didn't have the advantage of "the smart kid" persona or being so beyond suspicion like I was. I don't recall them having insiders to help them in their attack whereas I was an insider & knew quite a few of them. Society & mankind as a whole are better off with me not spending my time trying to impress others.
You know what the consensus has been when I get feedback on this blog? It's been positive. In fact, a friend of mine told me a few days ago that I shouldn't dare change who I am or censor myself in this blog since that's what makes me interesting, special & will take me places in this life. This friend also said I lack confidence in myself since I was the perfect person to become Subcommittee Chair of Entertainment & Media at NYCLA. I mentioned that I was mostly shocked since I really don't put stock in the legal industry or the BigLaw establishment that governs most bar associations. Look at all the slights I've had with bar associations, comments I've endured (like the guy who remarked on my nail polish at the very first NYCLA event I went to & had traveled from New Haven to show up for), oversights like this lack of mention of my article on the Table of Contents as well as not getting credit for bringing in a colleague's short film into NYCLA's First Film Festival & "offended" veteran attorneys who get all butt hurt when I don't kiss their asses or refer to them as "Sir" or "Your Excellency!" Would you put any stock in a group that treated you that way?
These days, I'm getting more respect from the legal industry & bar associations (getting this position being one example) but I feel like it's still a work in progress. Planning my first event now & with a little help from some great, non-stuffy folks, I plan to make the bar association fit me and be welcoming to me + those like me who say the bar association isn't their scene (more details when it's confirmed & finalized). I'm also going to an event at City Bar next week to see if I can't keep inspiring new entrants to this field to be their damn selves instead of trying to impress old, stuffy, perma-adults who never went to a frat party (my freshman fling in college claimed he wouldn't go to one & said he'd only go to wine tastings), watched cartoons or did anything frivolous, even when they were babies. Not to mention plenty of them would sell folks out in a heartbeat. I say why give a shit about those people & what they think?
My friend does have a point, though. I'm not sure it's lack of self-confidence as much as lack of confidence in the public & people. Call it the Groucho Marx syndrome: the "I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member" ethic. With all the whining & encouraging everyone to be miserable cretins like them, my attitude toward the populace couldn't be all that great. I even got a tattoo to commemorate that general feeling (though it was more specifically related to love).
Granted, I do have supportive people in my life & discovered I had more fans of me than I ever thought I did. I think I'll be taking his advice in the near future. The universe is kind of telling me to do that anyway.
I interviewed for yet another job opportunity (this time as a lawyer who was going to eventually be a business owner in a non-entertainment related business). I finally heard back on it after I figured it was going to be another case of an interviewer going MIA & making me want to see that business destroyed. Apparently, the position wasn't filled but the owners decided to seek out someone with business experience. I said "More than mine?" since you'd better believe I mentioned my company in that interview. The owner I talked to said "A different kind of experience."
No harm, no foul but it just confirms something I have finally truly come to grips with: I am not meant to have a full time day job that isn't related in some way to the entertainment industry & where I am not in charge.
Let's look at this from a logical standpoint:
1. The industry comes up everywhere I go, even in forums completely unrelated to it like Monday Night Law.
2. I got this leadership role in Entertainment & Media.
3. In all the years I've lived in NYC (and maybe we can include Connecticut as well since my only resume experiences there were from law school clinic work), no job I've looked at for a full time role has ever panned out. Interviewers disappeared, companies turned out to be scam operations or too shady for my tastes, freelance legal clients were unbearable, one legal position was filled with zero notice to me after I had an interview, that temp agency didn't pay me timely.
Other than that temp gig I've done a couple times & some freelance writing work, nothing has really panned out or lasted long term.
4. Most of my success has been from entertainment work/opportunities. Even that temp gig I did initially called for someone with acting experience so the person wouldn't sound like (s)he was reading from a script! Not everything I've done in the industry has worked out but my track record with it over the years has been much better than in things having zero to do with the business or any creative skills I have.
5. Most jobs being offered & probably all of them for attorneys require being a robot, exercising zero independent judgment and never thinking outside the box. The people who claim to want this stuff never follow up with me so you know they don't actually mean it.
6. To get most jobs, you have to become a robot or worry about impressing someone. I absolutely refuse to do that; I simply present a logical argument & get the information I need since I consider a job interview my evaluation of the interviewer as well.
Add it all up & it's pretty obvious the universe is yelling "You belong in this business, Angry Redheaded Lawyer! Things are going to work out for you so be patient & stop stressing about it!"
I also don't have the same verve or passion for things that don't relate to my business or give me some creative opportunity, name recognition, or prestige. At one point, I thought maybe I'd lost my ambition since I just don't have the same drive or interest in anything not related to my industry. Then I found I hadn't: I've just lost patience for the BS most people are more than happy to put up with in society for whatever reason. Is it bad that I lost this when I was still in my 20s (I think it was 28 or 29)?
Most of my family members died in their 60s or sooner so don't assume I'll have tons & tons of years to have to deal with any BS. My husband says that's not going to happen to me. Not sure about that but genetics don't favor me seeing my 80s. Granted maybe better access to medical care, a better diet & more means to pay for stuff could help. I'm also bigger on preventive medicine than some of my family members were though I'm not out popping pills over every little ailment. No abnormal germ phobias here.
Oh, and that show where I was playing a prostitute was delayed since the director had a mild heart attack. Maybe this wasn't the nicest thought & I wish for our director's speedy recovery but I couldn't help but think that if there'd been a younger assistant director around or we started doing projects by the younger members of the group, such things would be less likely to be an issue. I have written my own work before & let's face it, my generation isn't the sort to wait around a million years to get respect or be seen as worthy to do things we've been excelling at forever. These days, I'm thrilled to see more people not waiting for the old guard to give them opportunity & going out to get it for themselves. Even fast food workers are getting into the act. Personally, I haven't eaten it in years & have no plans to start eating it again. My cooking is much better & won't make me sick. Plus, in NYC, you might as well go elsewhere with the ungodly prices like the authentic NY pizza joints or independently owned diners. Supersize Me also may have influenced this decision but it was mostly lack of money & not liking the stomach sickness that came with eating it.
So, looking forward to my first event & entering my leadership tenure with style. It could become fucking EPIC & if it does, I'll be a very happy woman. I heard about that bar association's seeking entries for the Second Film Festival but then nothing happened. Gee, might have alienating me been a factor there? You know, the person who actually works within the industry & knows filmmakers? I hope it was since that would serve them right. My program will reflect me & my interests. If you know me, you won't be shocked.
Did you notice that my title wasn't listed in the Table of Contents in the front? I did. I also want you to read the other articles in there. Then, read mine. Did you see the difference in writing style? It's unmistakeable. I also decided to tackle a viewpoint that's not being spouted by Career Builder, HR blog writers or anyone in the legal community.
After all, this blog is by design not written to impress anyone. Who I am in general is also not designed to impress anyone. I actually evolved from 7th grade; had I not done this, I'd have probably committed my own school shooting & been far more legendary as well as successful at it than those Columbine boys. They didn't have the advantage of "the smart kid" persona or being so beyond suspicion like I was. I don't recall them having insiders to help them in their attack whereas I was an insider & knew quite a few of them. Society & mankind as a whole are better off with me not spending my time trying to impress others.
You know what the consensus has been when I get feedback on this blog? It's been positive. In fact, a friend of mine told me a few days ago that I shouldn't dare change who I am or censor myself in this blog since that's what makes me interesting, special & will take me places in this life. This friend also said I lack confidence in myself since I was the perfect person to become Subcommittee Chair of Entertainment & Media at NYCLA. I mentioned that I was mostly shocked since I really don't put stock in the legal industry or the BigLaw establishment that governs most bar associations. Look at all the slights I've had with bar associations, comments I've endured (like the guy who remarked on my nail polish at the very first NYCLA event I went to & had traveled from New Haven to show up for), oversights like this lack of mention of my article on the Table of Contents as well as not getting credit for bringing in a colleague's short film into NYCLA's First Film Festival & "offended" veteran attorneys who get all butt hurt when I don't kiss their asses or refer to them as "Sir" or "Your Excellency!" Would you put any stock in a group that treated you that way?
These days, I'm getting more respect from the legal industry & bar associations (getting this position being one example) but I feel like it's still a work in progress. Planning my first event now & with a little help from some great, non-stuffy folks, I plan to make the bar association fit me and be welcoming to me + those like me who say the bar association isn't their scene (more details when it's confirmed & finalized). I'm also going to an event at City Bar next week to see if I can't keep inspiring new entrants to this field to be their damn selves instead of trying to impress old, stuffy, perma-adults who never went to a frat party (my freshman fling in college claimed he wouldn't go to one & said he'd only go to wine tastings), watched cartoons or did anything frivolous, even when they were babies. Not to mention plenty of them would sell folks out in a heartbeat. I say why give a shit about those people & what they think?
My friend does have a point, though. I'm not sure it's lack of self-confidence as much as lack of confidence in the public & people. Call it the Groucho Marx syndrome: the "I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member" ethic. With all the whining & encouraging everyone to be miserable cretins like them, my attitude toward the populace couldn't be all that great. I even got a tattoo to commemorate that general feeling (though it was more specifically related to love).
Granted, I do have supportive people in my life & discovered I had more fans of me than I ever thought I did. I think I'll be taking his advice in the near future. The universe is kind of telling me to do that anyway.
I interviewed for yet another job opportunity (this time as a lawyer who was going to eventually be a business owner in a non-entertainment related business). I finally heard back on it after I figured it was going to be another case of an interviewer going MIA & making me want to see that business destroyed. Apparently, the position wasn't filled but the owners decided to seek out someone with business experience. I said "More than mine?" since you'd better believe I mentioned my company in that interview. The owner I talked to said "A different kind of experience."
No harm, no foul but it just confirms something I have finally truly come to grips with: I am not meant to have a full time day job that isn't related in some way to the entertainment industry & where I am not in charge.
Let's look at this from a logical standpoint:
1. The industry comes up everywhere I go, even in forums completely unrelated to it like Monday Night Law.
2. I got this leadership role in Entertainment & Media.
3. In all the years I've lived in NYC (and maybe we can include Connecticut as well since my only resume experiences there were from law school clinic work), no job I've looked at for a full time role has ever panned out. Interviewers disappeared, companies turned out to be scam operations or too shady for my tastes, freelance legal clients were unbearable, one legal position was filled with zero notice to me after I had an interview, that temp agency didn't pay me timely.
Other than that temp gig I've done a couple times & some freelance writing work, nothing has really panned out or lasted long term.
4. Most of my success has been from entertainment work/opportunities. Even that temp gig I did initially called for someone with acting experience so the person wouldn't sound like (s)he was reading from a script! Not everything I've done in the industry has worked out but my track record with it over the years has been much better than in things having zero to do with the business or any creative skills I have.
5. Most jobs being offered & probably all of them for attorneys require being a robot, exercising zero independent judgment and never thinking outside the box. The people who claim to want this stuff never follow up with me so you know they don't actually mean it.
6. To get most jobs, you have to become a robot or worry about impressing someone. I absolutely refuse to do that; I simply present a logical argument & get the information I need since I consider a job interview my evaluation of the interviewer as well.
Add it all up & it's pretty obvious the universe is yelling "You belong in this business, Angry Redheaded Lawyer! Things are going to work out for you so be patient & stop stressing about it!"
I also don't have the same verve or passion for things that don't relate to my business or give me some creative opportunity, name recognition, or prestige. At one point, I thought maybe I'd lost my ambition since I just don't have the same drive or interest in anything not related to my industry. Then I found I hadn't: I've just lost patience for the BS most people are more than happy to put up with in society for whatever reason. Is it bad that I lost this when I was still in my 20s (I think it was 28 or 29)?
Most of my family members died in their 60s or sooner so don't assume I'll have tons & tons of years to have to deal with any BS. My husband says that's not going to happen to me. Not sure about that but genetics don't favor me seeing my 80s. Granted maybe better access to medical care, a better diet & more means to pay for stuff could help. I'm also bigger on preventive medicine than some of my family members were though I'm not out popping pills over every little ailment. No abnormal germ phobias here.
Oh, and that show where I was playing a prostitute was delayed since the director had a mild heart attack. Maybe this wasn't the nicest thought & I wish for our director's speedy recovery but I couldn't help but think that if there'd been a younger assistant director around or we started doing projects by the younger members of the group, such things would be less likely to be an issue. I have written my own work before & let's face it, my generation isn't the sort to wait around a million years to get respect or be seen as worthy to do things we've been excelling at forever. These days, I'm thrilled to see more people not waiting for the old guard to give them opportunity & going out to get it for themselves. Even fast food workers are getting into the act. Personally, I haven't eaten it in years & have no plans to start eating it again. My cooking is much better & won't make me sick. Plus, in NYC, you might as well go elsewhere with the ungodly prices like the authentic NY pizza joints or independently owned diners. Supersize Me also may have influenced this decision but it was mostly lack of money & not liking the stomach sickness that came with eating it.
So, looking forward to my first event & entering my leadership tenure with style. It could become fucking EPIC & if it does, I'll be a very happy woman. I heard about that bar association's seeking entries for the Second Film Festival but then nothing happened. Gee, might have alienating me been a factor there? You know, the person who actually works within the industry & knows filmmakers? I hope it was since that would serve them right. My program will reflect me & my interests. If you know me, you won't be shocked.
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