What the Holy Fuck?!?!? Craig's List Ads, Part 5

I was going to do a rant on how I feel like a second class citizen and excluded from bar associations I'm supposed to be paying all these ungodly dues toward but it seems I already covered that 2 years ago. Go here to see it. Still accurate & still holds up.

I also do still feel like a second class citizen with all that so just assume I'm not going to spend $25+ on a ticket to an event my husband wouldn't be welcomed at and where I wouldn't have the best company to deal with (since I'd likely know very few of the attendees if any & would be shocked if any bothered being genuinely nice to me or interested in anything I did or cared about).

I think there should either be an option for far cheaper tickets for young attorneys (let's say $20 each or $30 for couples if your spouse is also young, works for the government on any level & is making less than $75K a year or is unemployed) or a severe reduction in the dues we're paying if we can't even go to these annual parties & bashes. If we're such "riffraff" to the higher ups in the way these ticket prices are set, then why should we have to finance those affairs?

I'm also in a very bad mood since an event I was planning apparently can never happen at the time I want since the association closes an hour before my event would need to start on that day. Nice of anyone to TELL me this!!! I had to call & find out myself.

I also found out that if you want a large event & it's not a CLE, you will get zero time to publicize it & could very well have your event sabotaged. Sorry but my circle lives in a different sphere, has busy schedules and needs some notice. I'm trying to respect their time & make things convenient for them. After all, THEY are the ones doing favors here! They have their own cred & reputation. Having them is a privilege. Having me bring folk in is a privilege.

My husband reminded me that I'm not getting paid to do this so I'm not beholden to anyone. I don't have to play political games or put up with BS.

On that note, here are some more disgusting and appalling Craig's List ads where the writers should have been shot, arrested, fined, something. Here goes:

Paid Writing Internship (Stamford)

Date: 2012-09-21, 7:53PM EDT
43mbc-3238878018@gigs.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Great PAID internship opportunity for a Rockstar Writer in Waiting!
Are you a recent graduate who is waiting for the opportunity to hone his / her writing skills and be the next success story that every one in the publishing industry talks about? Professional writers with experience make great living working on advertisements, web content, direct mail pieces and much more! They enjoy unparalleled job satisfaction and career growth.

If you are the future rockstar writer, we are looking for you! This is a FULL TIME, PAID internship opportunity for someone who is up and coming in the industry. Initial position is for 3 months - successful internship will most likely result in a long term assignment. You will be required to work from the Stamford office at-least once a week.

Key requirements:
* Keen observation and analytical ability
* Creative brainstorming and idea generation
* Ability to listen and "pay attention"
* Research
* Ability to work full-time (30+ hours)

This is a PAID internship, NOT a JOB. This position will allow a student or recent graduate to continue to hone his / her skills while looking for their dream job.

In order for the most productive use of your time and our time, please read this ad again and understand what we are looking for. We are not looking for a run-of-the-mill, industry washout - we are looking for someone who wishes to be successful in the long term and is willing to do everything that it takes to achieve it!

Location: Stamford
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: Stipend

PostingID: 3238878018

Here was my response:

Full time internships are illegal under the state & federal labor laws. Not to mention this statement is a total lie:

"This is a PAID internship, NOT a JOB. This position will allow a student or recent graduate to continue to hone his / her skills while looking for their dream job."

You list this after listing, among your "Key requirements" that the person has the "* Ability to work full-time (30+ hours)"

Have YOU ever worked a full time job? Have YOU tried to job hunt in that time? When would your little "intern" be able to go on a job interview? Most offices do not do interviews on weekends. They also typically insist on an IN PERSON interview; how is your "intern" going to arrange that? Are you planning to give this person time off b/c this sure doesn't sound like a position where you're offering ANY schedule flexibility. Oh, and this intern will be at a total disadvantage to apply for anything while doing YOUR work & NOT getting to apply for jobs until God knows how many other people already send in THEIR resumes.

I'm also willing to bet the "stipend" you offer will be something that won't be a per hour or week wage but something the person gets at the end of the term since you seem that scummy. I'd also bet that you'd make up some arbitrary BS to deny the person the "stipend" since they didn't lick your boots well enough. Nor do I see a word about travel reimbursement for the person going to your offices.

Get your head out of your ass & join us in REAL LIFE. There is a law firm that handles shitheads like you who are trying to bring back indentured servitude. Stop being a cheap bastard & pay a professional worker instead of pretending that a FULL TIME intern is going to have ANY moment to find a REAL job that will have REAL prospects since you apparently offer none regardless of how well this person performs. Do you treat the rest of your staff that way?

Did you also notice that BS? If you did, congratulations. You have a brain. They seem to be in short supply these days. Plus, if you're going to pay someone & make them work full time you need to be a grown up and offer a damn job with a proper title. It's insulting to call someone an "intern" in this situation.

Elite Midtown Legal & Corporate Consulting Company Seeks Part Time Of (Midtown East)

Date: 2012-09-24, 10:43AM EDT
erkconsulting11@gmail.com [Errors when replying to ads?]

Elite Midtown Legal & Corporate Consulting Company Seeks
Part Time Office Assistant /Bookeeper Needed


Prominent, high-end, and successful Executive Career Coaching & Corporate Consulting services firm located in midtown, is a PART TIME Office Assistant with Bookeeping experience to help the growing team. The Office Assistant will be responsible for helping the founder organize and further expands its already extensive AmLaw 100 client base. The successful candidate must be very organized, personable, computer and internet savvy; preferably a former lawyer; paralegal, legal secretary or former legal recruiter.
We are seeking high motivated individual with excellent verbal and written communication and interpersonal skills.
Must be a fast learner and pay attention to details.
Strong multitasking and organizational skills.
Strong computer skills must be familiar with Word and Excel and QuickBooks.

This job is a part time position requiring about 15-20 hours per week. Requirements are as follows:
1) Excellent computer skills. There will be typing and constant emailing
2) Excellent phone skills. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT, YOU MUST BE ABLE TO CALL ANYONE, THERE WILL BE COLD CALLING BUT THIS IS NOT A TELEMARKETING JOB. IF YOU ARE SHY OR RUDE ON THE PHONE DO NOT APPLY.
3) Flexible hours. More than likely it will be 3 days x 5 hours or 4 days x 4 hours. No weekends.
MUST HAVE EXPERIENCE IN ALL OF THE FOLLOWING AREAS:
- PUBLIC RELATIONS
- OFFICE & ADMINSTRATION
- BUSINESS SOCIAL MEDIA (WHICH IS DIFFERENT THAN PERSONAL!!)
- PHOTOSHOP (a plus)
- SEO (a plus)



- Part Time - approximately 3 days to start (about 18 hours - prefer 6 per day but no Fridays unless we have a special project), leading to full time in the future


Other Qualifications:
• Proficient Quickbooks, Microsoft Office, Outlook,
• Exceptional verbal and written communication skills
• Excellent interpersonal skills and customer service skills
• Ability to prioritize, work independently, self direct and complete tasks in a fast paced environment
• Accuracy and strong attention to detail

Responsibilities include:

• Organize database, client contact information, client files, and cultivate and maintain relationships with clients, vendors and suppliers by phone, email and letters
• Accounts receivable: prepare/send invoices to customers, prepare/send monthly statements, contact customers with past-due invoices to make payment arrangements
• Accounts payable: enter bills, obtain approval for payment, ensure timely payment, match invoices with payment
• Create and maintain client files
Create and maintain Outlook database of clients
• Perform clerical duties, maintain paper and electronic files, open/sort mail, archive records at year-end

Applicant should have knowledge and experience in legal industry. Please send cover letter and resume with salary history/requirements and references.

Compensation: $8-$10/hour based on experience. Annual Bonus.

Compensation: $8-$10/hour Plus Annual Bonus
Telecommuting is ok.
This is a part-time job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 3292818624

My problem here is the salary they offer. I made $8 an hour working at Godiva in Atlanta. When I interviewed for that job, my boss said my prior experience at JcPenney wasn't relevant to him. Yet I got hired anyway & did well while he was manager. I made $10 at other jobs in undergrad.

And no "former lawyer" I know of is so hard up that they're going to do all this stuff for a mere $8-10 an hour. You would have to do less in a retail job or even at the local fast food joint. Someone with prior experience at this stuff is not worth this piddling rate, which translates at below $25K a year in income. At part time hours, you're probably talking about qualifying for welfare benefits.

Go do some extra work for Central Casting instead. At least then you can maintain some dignity & wear clothes you wouldn't get to wear otherwise.

Now, more stupidity. Feast your eyes on this:

Production Company Intern (Midtown)

Date: 2012-09-24, 12:23PM EDT
vmgsf-3279592569@gigs.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


We are a small to midsize office in NYC and have multiple high profile projects. We need someone to help us keep the office organized. Most days you would answer phones, run errands, get coffee, lunch, possibly some research. Need someone to make sure there's paper in the printer, the trash has been taken out and make sure the kitchen is in order. Be able to be aware if something needs to get done. Some days there's plenty to do and other days in might be quiet, but if you have an interest in working in a production office, this is a good way to meet people and get in the door. This can be short or long term, depending on your interests and if you have time. I would like someone at least three days a week or more. It can be half days too. Please email what days and times you can be here, a resume if you have one and a little bit about you. Our hours are 930am to 6pm. This is an unpaid internship, but there could be opportunities for the right candidate in the future.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Compensation: no pay

PostingID: 3279592569

My response:

So, you have "multiple high profile projects" & an office to maintain but you can't bother to even pay transportation reimbursement to an intern i.e. forcing someone to PAY to work for YOU?!?!?!? Oh, and this sounds like a completely illegal internship considering interns are supposed to be getting a LEARNING OPPORTUNITY!!!

Getting your damn lunch & doing office tasks (as your description states) does NOT make for a legal internship. This sounds like an attempt to cheat professionals out of a job by making someone else be a slave.

Do you not keep up with the news? There have been major crackdowns as of late on illegal internships by the state & federal labor departments, a major Hollywood studio is being sued for their illegal internships & there is a law firm that specifically deals with suing assholes like you who think they can violate labor laws b/c it's the entertainment industry.

Get your head out of your ass, get some class & get a clue! Oh, and you might want to retain a lawyer since you're probably going to need one very soon.

Signed, A Production Company Owner Who Has Some Business Ethics & a Law License

Yeah considering I have dealt with mass internship hiring at my company, I've got every right to say that when I see your company engaging in unethical behavior since that makes things harder for MY company & every other business owner I know who doesn't have an entitlement complex or thinks total strangers should be eating the poop as it comes out of their buttholes. The tone of some of these ads shrieks "unprofessional," "tacky," "unappreciative," and worse "scummy" to me.

Here's more:

Commercial Litigation Firm - Internship (Flushing, Queens)

Date: 2012-10-19, 3:09PM EDT
9gbs5-3350542336@job.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


[NOTICE: If you send a cover letter with spelling and/or grammar errors, or with references to a generic position that is not relevant to this post, it is highly likely that all interest will be lost before your cover letter is read in its entirety and your email will be deleted. Attention to detail and professionalism are highly important in this line of work and at our office]

Our Firm:

Our firm handles a vast array of cases from commercial litigation and contract disputes to foreclosure defense litigation. We are dedicated to providing our clients with highly effective legal representation so any employee or intern must be willing to do the same.
Most of the cases we handle are rather large and complex, so although we run a friendly and laid back office environment, things need to be taken seriously.

Responsibilities/Experience/Qualifications:

The intern will have the opportunity to
(1) learn the art of conducting client consultations;
(2) learn how to determine whether a case is worth taking on;
(3) learn the elements of an ironclad contract and how to draft one;
(4) learn the ins-and-out of motion practice, effective research, argument development, and motion drafting;
(5) attend court hearings and appearances on cases, and "second chair" at any deposition or trial.

The Ideal Intern:

- A 2L/3L or recent graduate studying for the Bar or awaiting results.
- A keen eye for detail, highly motivated, always looking to go that extra step, able to think differently, and of course professional.
- Someone who is not just seeking another job, but is looking for a platform that to provide an upward trajectory towards a bright career.
- Zealously interested in applying fundamentals from law school to the real world commercial disputes and litigation that arises.
- Has a reliable mode of transportation or capable of using public transportation efficiently.

Note:
- This is an excellent opportunity for any 2L/3L law student, law graduate waiting bar results, or pending bar admission to get hands on real life application and experience, and for the right candidate, if taken seriously, this internship can lead to a bright future with the firm.
- Our office is located in the heart of flushing, close to the 7 train, the LIRR-Flushing station, and bus-stops.
- The internship days and hours are flexible, but we are generally looking for a solid 20 or more hours a week.


Please email cover letters and resume to be considered for this position.

Location: Flushing, Queens
This is a part-time job.
This is an internship job
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 3350542336

Do you see one word here about travel reimbursement? I don't. That's a red flag.

Plus, if you are going to be that picky and obstinate about details in your ad you need to be paying a salary. I would not want to pay for an internship at a law firm & you shouldn't either. Any business in any field that expects you to foot the bill for your own travel or to do anything for their benefit while not offering a salary is not worth dealing with. It could very well be a scam operation like the one I experienced years back.

Oh, and how can I forget this piece of work?

Makeup & Hair Assistant/Social Media/Graphic Artist (Brooklyn)

Date: 2012-10-25, 12:51PM EDT
mrhqh-3364150718@gigs.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


I am a Makeup Artist and Hair Stylist based in New York and I am seeking the BEST, DOWN TO EARTH, NORMAL, DRAMA FREE, RELIABLE AND EAGER makeup/hair assistant in the world for my bookings (editorials, ads, private clients, commercials, televison, film, tests, etc).

Must also have skills and experience in PR, Social Media, Blogging and Graphic Design to help me build my business, branding and keeping my site up to date. The candidate will be working with me on jobs in New York and from home. Possibility of filling in for me when I'm booked or unavailable.

Responsibilities:
- Assist me on bookings (skin prep, makeup application, set up and break down station, cleaning brushes, passing me tools, touch ups on set, taking pictures and video of my work)
- MUST KNOW THE RULES...NO networking, intoxication, drugs, stealing, whining, begging, talking too much
- Creating social media strategies and help manage social media outlets
- Posting relevant content to Facebook - Twitter - Blog
- Seeking out media outlets and blogs to improve web presence
- Looking for someone with social media & print contacts
- Image preparation and uploads to my website using basic Photoshop (no retouching)

Requirements:
- Minimum 1 year makeup artist and/or hair stylist or strong desire to start in the business
- Basic knowledge of Photoshop
- Passion and knowledge on all things beauty (cosmetics, makeup, fashion, skincare and hair)
- Strong, creative writing skills...traditional and writing for social media - wicked smart, witty, engaging
- Knowledgable with Facebook Fan Pages, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, Blog and any other social media platforms

Please send your Cover letter, Resumé and photo of yourself
Students welcome
Flexible hours

Location: Brooklyn
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: Depends on experience $10-15/hr and/or up to $300/job

PostingID: 3364150718

You know I had to respond to this garbage:

You sound like a fucking peach. Why don't you just buy a robot & save yourself the strain of human interaction?

Come on, "- MUST KNOW THE RULES...NO networking, intoxication, drugs, stealing, whining, begging, talking too much." I can agree with not stealing or taking drugs & drinking but a lot of this crap is totally subjective. Why don't you just put "be a corporate drone who licks my shoe bottoms after I step in dog mess?" That totally sounds to me like you insist someone has no personality at all, which is the antithesis of BEING in the creative industry in the first place. One person's whining is another person's refusing to be a slave.

Not to mention asking for a picture of someone. What the hell? Are you also demanding the assistant to be your fuck puppet? That's just asking to get sued for illegal hiring practices or sexual harassment. It sure makes you sound like a perv to me. What relevance do one's looks have to this job? I don't see anything here about this assistant doing modeling or acting work.

You need to rephrase what you claim to be looking for because, let's face it you're NOT seeking "the BEST, DOWN TO EARTH, NORMAL, DRAMA FREE, RELIABLE AND EAGER makeup/hair assistant in the world for my bookings." You want a slave. If you can't at least sound like you respect people in your ad, how do you expect anyone worth a damn to consider applying? I'm not even in that field but I read it & think "Run for the hills!" Not to mention that you will likely get sued sooner or later for demanding applicants to send you a picture of themselves as a condition to getting an interview. That shouts to me that you're a bigot or trying to exploit someone.

Think about how this person treats others. I'd never want this individual working for my company or doing my projects. Probably an ass to everyone, including the director.

Another illegal ad from a sexist pervert:

Personal assistant-Office help... (harlem...)

Date: 2012-11-08, 1:21PM EST
gqxwx-3328991502@gigs.craigslist.org[Errors when replying to ads?]


This is a Part Time Position - FEMALE

Responsibilities:
Perform clerical work as needed...
Manage all incoming/outgoing mail.
Perform administrative duties and provide management support.
Other duties as assigned.

Have own laptop.
Excellent internet skills with knowledge of social media outlets.
Have worked in small business environment.
Professional and extremely organized work ethic.

Please forward Resume and PIC to be considered...

Compensation: up to $12hr/DOE

Location: harlem...
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: up to $12hr/DOE

PostingID: 3328991502

Why don't these people leave this crap in the personals or go hire hookers? If attorneys could locate people who'd been abused by these creeps and had business names, they could make a fortune suing these pricks. Plus, you could enjoy the righteous indignation & make friends with legitimate business owners as well as conservatives.

Another illegal ad:

Personal Assistant to Producer - $600wk - 12 hours a day -7 days a wk (Chelsea)

Date: 2012-12-02, 7:46PM EST
m5qjp-3450934568@job.craigslist.org[?]

Need Personal Assistant for the next 2 months - 7 days a week.

It would be great if you
- are inexhaustible,
- know administrative programs and such on a mac,
- have a mac,
- drive,
- know your way around photoshop
- have video / animation / 2D & 3D graphics production knowledge in general
- etc..

Looking for someone eminently trustworthy, reliable and capable.
Need someone right now but looking for the right person to join a team going forward.

Reply with clear info about your abilities and a phone number.

Compensation: $600 per week. 12 hours a day. 7 days a week starting now.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID:3450934568

Sounds good until you do the math. Here's my response:

Your rate is illegal. Follow me on this little math calculation:

12 hrs a day x 7 days a week = 84 hours a week

600 (what you propose to pay a week) / 84 = 7.1428.....

In THIS state, minimum wage is $7.25 an hour. Your rate is $7.14 an hour, which is clearly BELOW the minimum wage in NY. If you are lying about location, minimum wage is $7.25 an hour in NJ and higher than that in CT.

A little free advice: if you want a GOOD person who's going to give a damn & do the kind of work you want, you might want to pay a little better than minimum wage. Personal assistants performing the tasks at the hours you are asking for (at the expense of their own lives) make a good $70K+ a year.

Try at least $25 an hour if you want someone to give up their entire life for the next 2 months & during the holidays to boot. Come to think of it, considering you're asking folk to give up Christmas maybe you should offer around $40-50 an hour.

That is market rate, folks! You violate paying someone the market rate at your own peril. Don't come crying to me or anyone else about how your assistant or your intern stinks when you aren't even offering a living wage.

One place where I'm apparently smarter than anyone there:


writer/bloger/admin /assistant (Midtown West)

Date: 2012-12-12, 8:41PM EST
t3nz4-3474650186@gigs.craigslist.org[?]

internet based company in new york is looking for a /Writer/assistant to help us with some blogging and handling our social media accounts.,one to help us with answering calls, responding to emails and internet research. ,

Monday through friday ,Internet and teck savvy a must !Starting salary Is at

$ 15.00 hour ,to start 5 days a week and hours can be discussed . to apply for this position please , send us your resume with references , For a fast response back and interview set up .

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Compensation: $15.00 an hour

PostingID:3474650186

This also warranted a response:

I do not send personal materials to a company that can't even proofread their own ads & be bothered to identify themselves. Clearly, I'm far overqualified for this even as a low stress day job where I have zero attachment or true interest. It also looks like I'm smarter than your top brass based on this ad.

You might get more legit responses if you bothered to write an ad with proper English and using basic grammar rules that the average 3rd grader knows how to execute.

Applicants judge companies as well. Smart ones look for typos, entitlement attitudes, crazy demands, etc. and don't waste time with them. Not every employer is worth impressing, you know?

Finally, another illegal internship & this time with someone who publicly admits to attempting to violate labor laws:

Documentary film internship

Date: 2012-12-11, 12:19PM EST
kitama.cahill.jackson@gmail.com[?]


Like social justice issues?

Like documentary film?

Maybe this internship is the one for you.

We are Black Wasp Productions, a small documentary production company -- two full-time producers, a part-time producer and an assistant editor.

Our film is about race, class, gender and the American dream -- we will tell you more about it when we call you for an interview.

We have shot a lot of footage, have begun editing and are now trying to finish the film by early February.

No technical experience necessary -- although, if you know FCP, that's a plus!

You just need to be smart, quick, driven, punctual, energetic, responsible and have a desire to learn the ins and outs of documentary film production.

Unfortunately, It's unpaid.

We could use a few fulltime or part-time interns to help with the following:

1. Transcribe interviews
2. Research
3. Assistant Editing
4. Assistance on shoots
5. Scanning photos
6. Running errands
7. Watching rough cuts with the producers and giving feedback


You can call Kitama Jackson, the producer/director at (718) 928-4873 to discuss this position further. Or you can email him at: Kitama.cahill.jackson@gmail.com

You can see Kitama's website: www.kitamajackson.com

We plan on filling this internship really soon.

We look forward to hearing from you!


Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID:3471089424

Guess who I'm making sure my company doesn't work with? No company needs the tainted association of or friendship with a business owner that doesn't bother knowing the basics of labor law or has any respect for interns, one of the most vulnerable groups in this industry.

I had to say something:

You DO know that full time internships are illegal under state & federal labor law, right? As in, you can't make someone work 40+ hours a week for free. That is NOT an internship; it is slavery & displacing professionals who have a value in the marketplace.

Not to mention that some of the tasks you list would require an intern to travel. Do you expect an INTERN to PAY to work for you? Without covering travel done for YOUR benefit, that's in effect what you're doing. I see nothing listed here about paying for interns' travel costs to the office or to run these errands you want them to run.

The terms you list are the perfect way to create resentment & ill will among interns. In fact, there's a law firm right now that is seeking out people who had illegal internships & going after employers in the entertainment industry. Wake up & look around you: tons of employers in plenty of industries are jumping on the illegal internship bandwagon & college students/newbies have had enough. Employers are being fined for having illegal internships as well.

You need to be employing some legal counsel at once since with ads like these & these sorts of working conditions, you're going to find yourself in an unpleasant & expensive lawsuit as well as with a very bad industry reputation.

Lastly, remember the old adage "you get what you pay for." Quality costs money & no one deserves to be exploited.

I as a business owner totally evaluate you & your business based on how you treat your front line people. If you're abusive to the sales associates, receptionists, interns, servers, anyone who's got a "low level" position, I'm not interested in dealing with you. Treating those people like crap says you will totally treat me like crap sooner or later or worse, you're just a brown nosing scumbag (and if you've read this blog, you know how I feel about those).

I also evaluate a business based on their job ads, including grammar concerns and expectations vs. the offered compensation. When those are out of whack, you create a negative impression that leaves a very nasty taste in my mouth. I'm going to do my best not to help you or do anything that might remotely benefit you if you are some chucklehead who can't even master simple concepts like treating others as you'd want to be treated.