A Primal Scream Moment

Personally, I think we could all use these from time to time. As I've told people many times over the years, I feel it's better to call that slow driver a bitch in the privacy of your car than to pull out a gun and shoot innocent people in a bank one day b/c you've always repressed yourself.

When I'd say this to my mom, it actually had a reference point. Back in 2003, not long before I moved to Atlanta for college (the "big, bad city" in my mother's mind) there was a guy who did just that. If I remember correctly, he was a finance guy who just snapped one day.

Nice thing for your mother to hear before you move to a major city, right?

I believe that if you don't vent from time to time or have those cathartic moments, you do yourself and society a disservice.

This 24/7 existence of the working world and other things doesn't seem to account for that need for cathartic release. You see employees getting fired for ranting on places like Facebook, right? I seriously wonder why more employers haven't used technology to deal with employee issues; it's not like all of them have a conscience or care too much about public opinion. Look at Wal-Mart.

And speaking of those clueless idiots, they're trying to plant stakes into NYC yet AGAIN. Do these people ever get a clue that maybe a city known for powerful unions isn't going to be keen on an anti-union big box retailer being there? Personally, I say "Hell no!" to Wal-Mart. Good reasons for it.

1. Almost every Wal-Mart I've been to is filthy, has long lines & is filled with employees who are unhelpful as well as incompetent.

2. The utter violence & depravity of Wal-Mart. Who has forgotten about the guy who got trampled on Black Friday at the one in the scuzzier area of town? Great investigating there, Wal-Mart.

3. The shitty employee treatment. I actually have some personal knowledge of this one as I've known 2 different people who worked there & from what I heard, you'd get more compassion from Osama Bin Laden than the management at Wal-Mart. I call document review the lawyer equivalent of working for Wal-Mart w/good reason. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I'd rather be a prostitute than work at a Wal-Mart since at least I'd make more money doing that & face just as much degrading, abusive and scummy treatment. If I wanted no respect for schedule availabilities, I could work in health care & still make more money.

4. Finally, anything Bloomberg supports automatically makes me suspicious of the good it will do me. Considering he's tried to screw over the unions (including the one dealing w/my husband's job) & his attempts to turn NYC into a rich person's enclave, I just can't trust the guy.

But, getting back to that primal scream thing. I'm getting anxious and frustrated that I've had interest in my abilities to do a job that sounds interesting & like something I really want to do. Unfortunately, I've yet to hear the offer. I keep playing phone tag & never get the information out there.

This sort of thing irks me with my history of people acting like they were interested in hiring me for jobs & then being MIA, only to never have anything on the table. I've had many job success celebrations that were later false. After my personal experiences, I have a far harder time trusting anyone with a job offer. Talk is cheap, I need to see action.

The waiting bothers me because of this but it also bothers me if I get pinned into terms that I don't want. What if the offer is for something horrid and utterly ridiculous? Lawyers don't operate in the same realm as your average person but in particular, ones with my skill set are a rare breed. I know what is unfair to me & I've seen some people who do operate on planet Earth but plenty of others who do not.

For instance, telling me to go flip burgers would prove that you are stupid. I was overqualified for that after graduating high school so no chance in Hell any sane individual would have me doing that with a law license. They'd be too scared of me organizing the employees or encouraging people to assert themselves. This would have been a valid fear back when I was in high school considering I never tolerated that shit in my job at JcPenney; forget today, when I'm in an occupation known for enforcing people's rights in the face of adversity.

Telling me to go back to retail would also prove that you're stupid considering no sane person would hire someone w/7 years of experience & is a lawyer. I couldn't do it today since I would be way too blunt and tell off idiots. Leave your child? I'd immediately point out that you don't know who might be a predator or kidnapper & probably consider contacting child protective services on you for being a deadbeat parent. I think I could be a manager but most places demand you to have eons of experience for that & remember, my resume doesn't fit into a neat little box. I also refuse to work weekends for middling pay since I did more than enough of that in my retail career.

Now maybe these fears are unjustified but I've had too many disappointments & I haven't been called the real life Daria for no reason. Sometimes, it's still hard for me to believe I have a man in my life who loves me & would stand by me through any adversity I didn't inflict on myself. I still have vivid memories of being single & feeling like one guy would never make me happy. I also remember feeling like no one ever really understood me & how shocked I was to meet someone who did.

To make my day even better, I found out my cousin who's not too much older than me probably has cancer. She just learned that she's got a tumor in her abdomen that's been there for at least a year, is sizable & doctors are pretty certain is cancer. The odds aren't looking good for her & her sister who lives near by apparently hasn't even inquired about or visited her. If it was my sister, I'd be on the first flight to NC & making sure she got the best care possible. If anyone dared to skimp on her due to finances, I'd vow to make their life a living hell & get as pushy as possible to make sure she got fairness. Doctors also tend to be a little more deferential to lawyers in my experience. After all, who could locate a medical malpractice lawyer quicker? Not to mention we know legal talk & I did initially want to be a doctor, then a pharmacist before studying law.

My sister also pointed out to me that out of any kids in our family, we're the only ones with both parents still alive. I considered this & realized she's right. Not sure how I'd feel if either of my parents died. My mom is probably the heart & soul of my family, the glue holding it together, so that would be a huge loss for all concerned.

I'd likely mourn my dad less but not living in the same house w/him has helped mend that relationship a bit. He is at least a liberal voice in the conservative South & is just as assertive as anyone else in my family. Health wise, you'd expect him to go first but I think he'd just be the sort to defy medical science & live even longer than you think.

I'm sure reading this, you'd think "Wow, her family is messed up. No wonder she is the way she is." Probably true but you don't even know just how spot on you'd be in that determination, especially if you look at my dad's side. I suppose it certainly forms a basis for my creative abilities & how I draw influence. You can't live some normal, happy childhood & expect to be a great artist.

I remember my Art & Culture professor from college telling us that to be a great artist, you have to live life. He said you have to have some experiences, some hard times, so you'll have things to draw upon in your work. One of my high school teachers said something similar but not in the context of art. She said it in the context of not living with regrets later on.

Too many family members of mine seem to be dying lately. First my uncle, then my aunt & now my cousin's probably not well. Enough is enough! If more of my family's going to be dead, why not a distant relative who has some money that would go to me??? Not like I've been anyone's favorite or none of the relatives I know have money. I just wouldn't feel as bad about a distant relative I've never met or had a connection to. I'd feel like I do when some celebrity I never spoke to dies: I never knew the person so they could have been a total jerk in real life. I can't get people who mourn celebrities that probably would have been arrogant to them in a real life setting. If I were famous, I certainly wouldn't expect strangers to mourn me when they had no way of knowing if I was a good person or a total shithead.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! The whole job situation is making me slide into depression & family stuff is exacerbating it. I'd probably spend days in bed if I didn't have a cat that makes me get up.