Get Your Tubal If You're Over 18: How to Deal with Paternalistic Asshole Doctors Who Think They Can Intrude on Your Private Life

With all the shit I've read about how there's no lawyer posting this guideline & after reading this Dear Prudence column yesterday where Prudence decides to just be another member of the "You're too young" chorus, I decided enough was enough. A lot of the comments on that letter really pushed me over the edge, particularly those by men who DO NOT have a fucking uterus & can NEVER be forced to carry an unwanted baby.

I even read a while ago in a LiveJournal community the lament of someone who claimed no lawyer cared about this issue.

Well, that commenter is wrong. DEAD wrong! Didn't you hear? I had a tubal at 26; in fact, the XX Factor blog published an essay I wrote on why I have chosen to be childfree. You can find the link in an earlier entry; don't be lazy. I don't abide that mess.

So, I'm going to write that guide. Feel free to pass it on far & wide. In fact, I encourage it. Remember, I want to inspire fear, dread & contempt in the hearts of OB/GYNs who want to create more problems by playing God with women's lives.

Before we get to those tips, some preliminary facts:

* Make damn fucking sure you do not want to have children EVER. Permanent solutions are nothing to mess around with. If the answer to "Do you ever want children?" is anything other than an emphatic "No!" you have no business asking for a tubal. You should get an IUD instead.

You also don't get to call yourself "childfree." You are what we call a "fence sitter," a "maybe" case. If the answer to that question is "Maybe someday," do not waste a doctor's time. A legion of childfree women who want permanent sterilization & can't get it will beat you upside the head (or at least, I'd like them to).

* If you think for even a second that you can sue the doctor if you "change your mind," also don't bother doing it. You are the bitches that make it harder for me & anyone else who has an old soul or sense of who she is to get any credibility or respect on the issue. I'd go so far as to say you're an enemy to women's lib right up there with Todd Akin, Paul Ryan and all the other closet rapists.

Plus, if you live in NY you only get 2 years to sue for medical malpractice. That's it. I forget if the time starts when the malpractice happens or when you discover the malpractice so don't quote me on this but I believe it is when the malpractice happens. You discovered it 20 years later? Tough shit, you've most likely waited too long. As my NY Practice professor in law school said, the doctors have a good lobby that made this the law in NY state. The doctors in your state may also have a good state lobbyist. Check your state laws.

* If you're not good with surgery & willing to sign a waiver saying you won't sue if you "change your mind," don't do it. More setting women back & causing issues. Let me just punch you in the face right now if you pull that.

So, if you are an actual childfree person who is hellbent on never, ever having kids no matter what & will never lament the loss of your unborn rugrats here is what you do:

1. Research, research, research! Research your local state & federal laws when it comes to this subject. Know how long the statute of limitations is for a doctor to be sued for giving sterilization to someone who later changes her mind. Research current news & know about mothers who killed their children, the harm done to children from resentful parents who didn't want them, the consequences of parenthood & what it does or doesn't make you.

2. Have strength in your convictions, no matter what. If anyone can talk you out of it, you aren't prepared to do it.

3. Have logical arguments prepared. Cite the laws on consent, voting, any professional licenses you hold like being an attorney & the process you went through to get that license, etc.

4. Use "Do no harm" to your advantage: ask the busybody doctor about violating that provision by allowing an unborn child to be born to a home where (s)he will not be treated well say not being fed, clothed, etc. Ask about the harm to society, the court system and everyone else who has to get involved in the abuse and neglect involving this kid. Ask about the increased crime rate & future victims of this child born to an unfit parent (and resenting or hating your child certainly qualifies you as an "unfit parent" in my book).

Cite any contacts you may have involved in sexual abuse who might still be in the picture if some unborn child was brought into the world if you had one. Furthermore, ask about the emotional harm being done to you with this paternalistic attempt to shove you into motherhood against your will.

5. Know the slippery slope argument like the back of your hand: when you've asked every single doctor who takes your insurance about this & go to your last ones or the last one, mention that fact. Tell them that all have denied you & they are violating your civil rights with this collective denial.

6. Do NOT, under any circumstances, be deferential to the doctor on this choice. This is YOUR body, YOUR health & YOUR life. Now that doesn't mean "be rude." It means don't act like this doctor is superior to you due to his/her education. Doctors will play that card without question. If you don't have a lawyer card to play, you need to get away from the "he's more educated so he's smarter than me" mindset. No one knows you better than you do. YOU live in your body & your mind. This prick doesn't.

YOU know your household better than any doctor does. (S)he wants to step in? Then that fucker needs to be held liable (maybe criminally in some cases) for denying sterilization & the consequences that result to the woman, family & unborn child. I bet these wannabe gods would think twice about such intrusions if that happened. Don't get sucked into anyone's God complex or allow yourself to be bullied!

Do this stuff before you ever call anyone. To continue,

7. Call the OB/GYN's office & ask the first person you speak to about this. Doing so will save you time, money & heartache. Sometimes, they'll have the answer & sometimes, they'll have someone call you back.

If you don't get a "yes," keep going. Don't waste your time going into anyone's office unless they will do it. If they insist, ask if they are giving you a free consultation or expect you to fall for their bait & switch tactics.

8. If you get push back, cite your valid reasons. Use these logical arguments I mentioned above. Also, ask this doctor point blank about the war on women going on in our current times & the lunatic fringe Republicans trying to outlaw abortion, make contraceptives impossible to get (such as allowing employers to dictate the uses for it in female employees), etc. If you've done that research, you can cite those instances in your state & elsewhere of such laws.

See what this doctor says when you point out that you may not have the option of less permanent contraception if Romney takes office or your local Republican representatives get those harsh, draconian, sexist laws through. Maybe even ask if the doctor is pro-life or pro-choice. That could even be done in the initial phone call but if the doctor says "pro-life" you can ask how bringing unwanted children into the world is in any way healthy or being "pro-life." You could even ask how taking free will away from an adult woman is in any way in keeping with his/her religious faith if the person cites one.

I was raised in an independent Baptist household so I know how the Christian fundies think. If you're also from a religious background, use it to your advantage.

9. If you are outright lied to like the first doctor I had did to me, don't you dare give up. Use Tom Petty's song "I Won't Back Down" as your mantra. You talk to the next doctor & the next, using the same approach. If you really want to get creative, you could even make up a story about having been raped by a family member that you're still forced to have in your life b/c other family members sided w/him & not you i.e. any unborn child would be exposed to a rapist.

Remember also the words of Malcolm X: By whatever means necessary. Considering the US may become just another 3rd world country on this issue soon, you may want to make getting permanent sterilization a high priority lest you end up being forced to raise your rapist's baby or give up your career and all you hold dear for some puking, mulling rugrat you never wanted in the first place. People who aren't uncivilized pieces of garbage will allow abortion for ectopic pregnancies (you know, those ones that have zero chance of viability). If they don't, well maybe these closet rapists should also decriminalize rape since they believe it's "God's will."

Personally, I think if you have to start lying to doctors the doctor/patient privilege is useless. Point out this hypocrisy if you need to.

10. Be civil but don't be nice unless the doctor respects you as an adult woman capable of living your own life & making your own decisions. If your logical arguments have failed, that says the doctor is NOT respectful of you. If you have children & some doctor is doing this, most definitely show no mercy for this blatant paternalism.

It's not just men who engage in this paternalism, by the way. I had women pull this on me as well. Be contrary & if you have to, be a bitch. No, not just a bitch. An unrepentant, bulldozing bitch who won't take shit off the likes of this wannabe God.

Propose that the age of consent, voting, etc. for women be bumped up & zero liability prescribed to you for anything if this doctor wants to deny you the right to make this choice for yourself. Cite figures about women who actually change their minds, the viability of such a lawsuit, whatever fits for the situation.

If you want to tell them not to bullshit you & just be honest, go ahead. Uncovering the motivations behind doctors acting like they know better than adult women is a good idea & should be done more often to assess whether some people should even be in the field in the first place. Would they deny abortions to 12 year old rape victims next? Are they THAT baby happy?

11. If the doctor doesn't want to do it but isn't a total prick about it, ask for the names of people who WILL do it. Not give you maybes or harass you about it but will actually treat you as an adult with a fully functioning brain and free will. Feel free to say that last part to drive your point home.

Maybe something good will come out of it, maybe not. Either way, at least you tried.

12. If you find a doctor who does your surgery & you're happy with the results, spread the word. Tell others about this OB/GYN who is respectful of women & isn't infantalizing adult women (defined as those over 18, not those over 35). I've been more than happy to ID my surgeon to women seeking this in NYC.

I have very little stock in OB/GYNs these days. Since my insurance no longer covers the one who did my surgery & another one I had vanished from the face of the earth, I've not found one who is respectful of women. My mom says that since I already had the tubal, it's too late to worry about that but I disagree. I don't want my copay going to some anti-woman dirtbag who belittles my childfreedom & insists that I'm not a full person or have some kind of mental defect b/c I'm not some baby crazed harpy who treats her husband like a child. No way do I want some gynecologist saying "You could get your tubal reversed. Let's see about doing that," when I'd violently object to it. This issue most certainly is going to affect that health care provider's medical judgment & treatment of me and I'm not interested in that shitty bias.

If you also had this done or are contemplating it, you should definitely consider a future doctor's beliefs on that issue for your future OB/GYN needs if you run into the situation I have.

Finally, I'd like to point out that by the time these objecting doctors think you're "old enough" for a tubal you're already in menopause or a stone's throw away from it.

A Primal Scream Moment

Personally, I think we could all use these from time to time. As I've told people many times over the years, I feel it's better to call that slow driver a bitch in the privacy of your car than to pull out a gun and shoot innocent people in a bank one day b/c you've always repressed yourself.

When I'd say this to my mom, it actually had a reference point. Back in 2003, not long before I moved to Atlanta for college (the "big, bad city" in my mother's mind) there was a guy who did just that. If I remember correctly, he was a finance guy who just snapped one day.

Nice thing for your mother to hear before you move to a major city, right?

I believe that if you don't vent from time to time or have those cathartic moments, you do yourself and society a disservice.

This 24/7 existence of the working world and other things doesn't seem to account for that need for cathartic release. You see employees getting fired for ranting on places like Facebook, right? I seriously wonder why more employers haven't used technology to deal with employee issues; it's not like all of them have a conscience or care too much about public opinion. Look at Wal-Mart.

And speaking of those clueless idiots, they're trying to plant stakes into NYC yet AGAIN. Do these people ever get a clue that maybe a city known for powerful unions isn't going to be keen on an anti-union big box retailer being there? Personally, I say "Hell no!" to Wal-Mart. Good reasons for it.

1. Almost every Wal-Mart I've been to is filthy, has long lines & is filled with employees who are unhelpful as well as incompetent.

2. The utter violence & depravity of Wal-Mart. Who has forgotten about the guy who got trampled on Black Friday at the one in the scuzzier area of town? Great investigating there, Wal-Mart.

3. The shitty employee treatment. I actually have some personal knowledge of this one as I've known 2 different people who worked there & from what I heard, you'd get more compassion from Osama Bin Laden than the management at Wal-Mart. I call document review the lawyer equivalent of working for Wal-Mart w/good reason. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I'd rather be a prostitute than work at a Wal-Mart since at least I'd make more money doing that & face just as much degrading, abusive and scummy treatment. If I wanted no respect for schedule availabilities, I could work in health care & still make more money.

4. Finally, anything Bloomberg supports automatically makes me suspicious of the good it will do me. Considering he's tried to screw over the unions (including the one dealing w/my husband's job) & his attempts to turn NYC into a rich person's enclave, I just can't trust the guy.

But, getting back to that primal scream thing. I'm getting anxious and frustrated that I've had interest in my abilities to do a job that sounds interesting & like something I really want to do. Unfortunately, I've yet to hear the offer. I keep playing phone tag & never get the information out there.

This sort of thing irks me with my history of people acting like they were interested in hiring me for jobs & then being MIA, only to never have anything on the table. I've had many job success celebrations that were later false. After my personal experiences, I have a far harder time trusting anyone with a job offer. Talk is cheap, I need to see action.

The waiting bothers me because of this but it also bothers me if I get pinned into terms that I don't want. What if the offer is for something horrid and utterly ridiculous? Lawyers don't operate in the same realm as your average person but in particular, ones with my skill set are a rare breed. I know what is unfair to me & I've seen some people who do operate on planet Earth but plenty of others who do not.

For instance, telling me to go flip burgers would prove that you are stupid. I was overqualified for that after graduating high school so no chance in Hell any sane individual would have me doing that with a law license. They'd be too scared of me organizing the employees or encouraging people to assert themselves. This would have been a valid fear back when I was in high school considering I never tolerated that shit in my job at JcPenney; forget today, when I'm in an occupation known for enforcing people's rights in the face of adversity.

Telling me to go back to retail would also prove that you're stupid considering no sane person would hire someone w/7 years of experience & is a lawyer. I couldn't do it today since I would be way too blunt and tell off idiots. Leave your child? I'd immediately point out that you don't know who might be a predator or kidnapper & probably consider contacting child protective services on you for being a deadbeat parent. I think I could be a manager but most places demand you to have eons of experience for that & remember, my resume doesn't fit into a neat little box. I also refuse to work weekends for middling pay since I did more than enough of that in my retail career.

Now maybe these fears are unjustified but I've had too many disappointments & I haven't been called the real life Daria for no reason. Sometimes, it's still hard for me to believe I have a man in my life who loves me & would stand by me through any adversity I didn't inflict on myself. I still have vivid memories of being single & feeling like one guy would never make me happy. I also remember feeling like no one ever really understood me & how shocked I was to meet someone who did.

To make my day even better, I found out my cousin who's not too much older than me probably has cancer. She just learned that she's got a tumor in her abdomen that's been there for at least a year, is sizable & doctors are pretty certain is cancer. The odds aren't looking good for her & her sister who lives near by apparently hasn't even inquired about or visited her. If it was my sister, I'd be on the first flight to NC & making sure she got the best care possible. If anyone dared to skimp on her due to finances, I'd vow to make their life a living hell & get as pushy as possible to make sure she got fairness. Doctors also tend to be a little more deferential to lawyers in my experience. After all, who could locate a medical malpractice lawyer quicker? Not to mention we know legal talk & I did initially want to be a doctor, then a pharmacist before studying law.

My sister also pointed out to me that out of any kids in our family, we're the only ones with both parents still alive. I considered this & realized she's right. Not sure how I'd feel if either of my parents died. My mom is probably the heart & soul of my family, the glue holding it together, so that would be a huge loss for all concerned.

I'd likely mourn my dad less but not living in the same house w/him has helped mend that relationship a bit. He is at least a liberal voice in the conservative South & is just as assertive as anyone else in my family. Health wise, you'd expect him to go first but I think he'd just be the sort to defy medical science & live even longer than you think.

I'm sure reading this, you'd think "Wow, her family is messed up. No wonder she is the way she is." Probably true but you don't even know just how spot on you'd be in that determination, especially if you look at my dad's side. I suppose it certainly forms a basis for my creative abilities & how I draw influence. You can't live some normal, happy childhood & expect to be a great artist.

I remember my Art & Culture professor from college telling us that to be a great artist, you have to live life. He said you have to have some experiences, some hard times, so you'll have things to draw upon in your work. One of my high school teachers said something similar but not in the context of art. She said it in the context of not living with regrets later on.

Too many family members of mine seem to be dying lately. First my uncle, then my aunt & now my cousin's probably not well. Enough is enough! If more of my family's going to be dead, why not a distant relative who has some money that would go to me??? Not like I've been anyone's favorite or none of the relatives I know have money. I just wouldn't feel as bad about a distant relative I've never met or had a connection to. I'd feel like I do when some celebrity I never spoke to dies: I never knew the person so they could have been a total jerk in real life. I can't get people who mourn celebrities that probably would have been arrogant to them in a real life setting. If I were famous, I certainly wouldn't expect strangers to mourn me when they had no way of knowing if I was a good person or a total shithead.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! The whole job situation is making me slide into depression & family stuff is exacerbating it. I'd probably spend days in bed if I didn't have a cat that makes me get up.