"Passion First" vs. "Money First" People & Things You Don't Say to Creative People

It feels like there's two different mindsets among people in life. There are the people who are first motivated by passion and then there are the ones who are first motivated by money. It's the type of thing that leads to huge conflicts, especially when you deal with creative people.

Living in both of these worlds, I have no idea how we can distinguish why particular people have this mindset. I do have my theories on the "money first" types, though. First off, not seen those people confront death in their immediate family at an early age. I became more motivated to follow my passion when my brother in law died suddenly at 21 when I was 22 and trying to get accepted to law school somewhere outside the Southeast.

Second, I haven't seen those people really have a passion for anything. You get a sense that they're just going to slug it out at any old job paying enough for their purposes, have no real enjoyment in anything & then die sooner or later. For me, that's depressing as hell. At least do something you like, even if it's in your spare time.

Third, the true "money first" types are more than happy to tell the "passion first" people to try shoehorning themselves into holes that simply do not fit them for whatever reason. I have had to confront this in my own home, which no one should have to deal with.

Finally, the "money first" types hate their lives & what they do. Perhaps they recognize the bleakness of their own existence that I mentioned. Unfortunately, I've seen quite a few operating under the old "misery loves company" umbrella & try taking everyone around them down with them. It's these types I have been excising from my life since that shit doesn't work in modeling, where I plan to utilize as many opportunities as I can get.

Dealing with a lot of personal issues lately. At least I did find out my immediate family is still with me but I'm not so sure my husband is truly with me. He makes me wonder at times, especially with certain comments I've gotten recently. For instance, he apparently thinks I sit on my ass & do nothing all day since I don't have some full time job that provides me with a W-2. I look at opportunities & take advantage of networking while he outright told me "networking is a waste of time" and refuses to do it. My husband is a bit of a misanthrope; he'd even admit it to you. He's not the type to go to fashion events, while that's totally my thing. In some ways, I missed out on things since I lived in NC and never got to do entertainment stuff until I graduated from law school and moved to NYC.

I could deal with his having different interests from me and having other friends. That's fine and I think that's healthier. We don't need to be attached at the hip; no couple should aspire to that. Just remember that if you get married, your spouse's problems become your problems. I had no clue just how much this was the case until my husband became outright despondent over his job situation & started taking it out on me. It seems he falls in the "money first" crowd while I'm part of the "passion first" crowd.

I wasn't actually part of the "passion first" crowd until later on in my life. I think maybe it started with my brother in law's death or when I learned there was such a thing as entertainment law. Yeah, I think it was when I learned there was such a thing as entertainment law. I knew I would never be happy in the average law firm setting and had no desire to kill myself to be number one in my law school class. I also knew the power of relationships and "you can't take it with you" with my brother in law's passing and watching my sister's reaction to it while trying to take care of their son by herself. I vowed that if I ever found a love of my life (which I felt didn't exist), I wasn't going to let some law firm break up my relationship. I figured once I found the love of my life, it was going to be a set "forever & ever" thing. Who likes dealing with divorce & all the mess of break-ups?

But when you're dealing with 2 different mindsets and 2 different levels of ambition, you're going to have serious problems. As an older, wiser person I have to say don't marry someone who doesn't have some ambition unless you lack it yourself. I'm hyper-ambitious so being around people who aren't drives me crazy. Ambition seems to be one of those things like financial attitudes: they say if you're a saver, don't marry a spendthrift & vice versa.

My husband is from a "money first" family so I feel some concern that this attitude has rubbed off on him way too much for me. My family has its own flaws but no one ever told me I couldn't bother having dreams, ambition or sights outside my hometown. Eventually, they stopped having any moments of doubt in me when I said I was going to do something. I have continued on my not seeing people in my husband's family since their comments to him since I refuse to go anyplace where I am not welcome & have yet to receive an apology from anyone. What's the point in that? None of these people are co-workers, pay my salary or are sharing public transit with me. To my mind that means there's no point in putting up with their bullshit or disrespect. We'll see how my husband handles this & if he respects what I told him long ago about how I would not put up with abuse from in-laws (it was a chief reason I refused to get married).

Call me jaded, an old soul in a young body, whatever but I'm done putting up with people or situations in my personal life that I don't have to (and family is not a "have to" thing in my book since I am not raising children; even if I were, I think we should teach children not to put up with emotional abuse or rudeness from people who are supposedly there for you all the time & your #1 cheerleaders). I'd rather be done with that relationship and emotional tie than deal with negative feelings and situations arising from certain people. Common parlance would call this "cutting toxicity out of your life." That shit is toxic to an entertainment career as well & I know it would mess me up in other ways. Goes back to the wanting people around me who are going to bring out my best, not my worst.

So you "money first" types can have more peaceful relations with the "passion first" camp, here are things you shouldn't be saying/doing to those people if you want to actually be in their lives:

1. Implying that their careers are invalid because they aren't earning a paycheck for it. I've done quite a bit that means far more than a paycheck & has boosted my industry reputation.
2. Asking when they're going to "get a real job."
3. Assuming that if they are at home, they don't actually do anything. I'll have you know that I spend most of my days on the computer following up on messages, networking, reading up on current events, writing, looking for paying work, updating my social media (since if you're going to have fan pages & a website, you have to update those on occasion), doing legal work, organizing my e-mail/files/etc. Then there are those domestic tasks I'm asked to do like dishes, paying bills, feeding cats, moving the car, figuring out dinner, etc.
4. Equating being at home with being a leech. A leech is someone who does NOTHING; a leech doesn't network or go to events or try to stay current on anything. Vacation is a concept unheard of to the self-employed & definitely to many creatives.
5. Calling them lazy or unambitious (implying it also counts). Let me tell you something: it's damn hard to follow your passion if you work in this business. The majority of people working in this industry take far lower pay in exchange for doing something they love. Serious actors and other creative types constantly spend time on their craft with classes, shows, networking, etc. Ask yourself how much networking YOU have done lately. Let's see how many contacts you've forged.

Oh, and every career advice article out preaches the gospel of networking & tells us that "it's not what you know, it's who you know." The people who have the contacts win out every time.

Let's also not forget the fact that creatives think outside the box & reach out to people in ways you'd never bother with since you're stuck in the conformity box. I, for example, don't go around being needy or trying to impress any potential employer. As far as I'm concerned, you need to be selling me on a job just as much as you expect me to sell to you.

6. Pestering the person because they haven't made money after a certain set time period. Entertainment industry success is a marathon, not a sprint. Tons of major movies took years to get made (for instance, Avatar took 10 years).

No creative I know thinks any of these acts are cool. I know I don't. It just makes me lash out & want to tell you to go fuck yourself. It also leads me to brand you as a jealous hater. Yes, we know the people who do this shit are jealous since they don't have a clue of the big picture & would rather drag us down to their level.

Now I'm not speaking of people who were told by industry pros that they have no skill at something or need to do something & just won't bother. You have to be a little realistic if you're going to work in the creative field & please, have some talent or go develop it. I'm talking about people who have some talent & a track record, who have signs that they should be doing this.

The irony is every single thing I've been doing in recent times circles back to this industry. I even got a recent paid freelance job with someone who works in this industry. If you read all my stories about how this industry comes in even at the most mundane times and when I'm doing something completely unrelated to entertainment, you'd have to notice the obvious and glaring signs in front of you. I already saw them & decided not to ignore it like some would have me do (i.e. people who aren't my friends & who I most likely didn't choose).

We'll see how things go & I did decide to look into marriage counseling (since some of this is being piled on top of all the BS I've already had to deal with in recent months, which I think is a shitty thing to do to someone). However, the old fire is definitely still there & I feel the same as I did in college i.e. NO ONE & NOTHING will stop me from doing what I want to do. I also won't be violating my own principles or things I said I'd never tolerate & that's just the plain truth. My sister decided to look into it to deal with her own marriage & as far as I know, things are okay with her. Therapy is helping me, after all.

General Musings, Part 31

The drama that is my life continues. My husband told me outright to go to a therapist & after more things happened (let's just say the chickens have come home to roost on something millions of Americans face but wouldn't really want to admit to), it felt like even the most anti-therapy person out there would hear of my experiences & tell me I ought to see a therapist. Let's face it: once you've had your entire life shift so dramatically in such a short time, you either see a therapist or go on a shooting spree. I'm too enraged as a person to commit suicide without taking some deadbeats down with me for the good of society. My last noble act, if you will.

Also, meet my friend Lindsay Lowe. She told me she admired me for going through the things I have but I feel like she's far more worthy of admiration than me. She's an awesome, talented & creative person who simply deserves recognition for her awesomeness. See her site if you want to know more about her.

Noticed a few stories in various places it's definitely time to comment on. Here goes.

This is a verdict that makes me happy. Maybe part of it is the constant rebellion I had against the Mr. Bones of the world. You know that school administrator: the one who acted irrationally & seemed better suited for running the Taliban than being responsible for the care of school children. A classic authoritarian through & through.

I hated authoritarian types back to my high school years. See earlier entries if you want to read about some of those antics. Defending someone's right to wear a bracelet like that would be right up my alley for multiple reasons.

This was also an eternal question I had myself. My mother even asked this when we were in school. I remember her thinking it was a stupid concept as far back as middle school. She may have even remarked on the non-punishment aspect of it when we were in elementary school. From this answer, it sounds like good old fashioned laziness is to blame.

I fully agree with this sentiment. I'm not just saying that because I can find my size at Victoria's Secret in both clothing & bras (you try doing that when you're naturally underweight, have a little height & vanity sizing is favoring the fat girls among us). I wish they'd sell more of their clothing in the stores since they have some nice dresses, shirts, leggings & the like (the shipping costs bother me on a deep level & I'm not wild about the regular prices but the sales are good). I also can't stand the whole puritanical sentiment that permeates through the comments of the detractors. Perhaps modeling has just made me even more rebellious against that whole puritanical culture since I had to deal with it so much as a child.

For now, I've resumed communication with my mother but I'm done with my sister. My sister even dared to tell me how I feel like she resides in my brain & knows my thought processes then tried to pull the "I won't let you have a relationship with my kids b/c I don't agree with your life philosophies" card. I wonder how I'd be treated if I were a web cam model or posing in Playboy or doing adult films. I figure I'd be all alone in life if I were doing that, even if I had to do that stuff to keep from being homeless or having everything I worked for go down the toilet. Incredible that some people have treated me like I have been doing such things.

I refuse to play that little game; if I played it, I know I'd eventually end up in a burka figuratively & maybe even literally. My sister claims my nephew was asking about sexual stuff & if he could see things.

Is it just me or should someone say, "Try being a PARENT & explaining that stuff to your kids without making sex a dirty, evil thing." I feel like that's the appropriate response (a discussion on appropriate sexuality), not telling that kid's aunt to dress like a nun when she doesn't even dress like a stripper getting ready to go on stage in modern times. It's also telling my sister got the same message I did growing up about how sex was this bad, shameful thing you should never do unless you're married. You later learn your parents aren't saints & are actually flawed people (some much more flawed than others). If I hadn't gotten out of NC, I'd probably still be screwed up on that point & definitely far less happy than I am today (oh, not just on THAT front; get your mind out of the gutter!).

You know, maybe I've overcome gender bias on cleaning. I don't really give a damn what people think about such things when it comes to my house. I'm not even close to a slob. In fact, I'm probably more of a neat freak than anyone in my childhood family is or was. I have a lot of organized clutter but I can account for most things. My husband once worked as a custodian so he knows a lot more about cleaning than I do. In fact, I think he has higher standards of cleanliness than me when it comes to some things. I'm just not interested in killing myself to make my home so clean you could eat off the floor. I hate doing dishes & I refuse to spend my days cleaning since I've got a life but I won't leave anything that will attract bugs, stinks or makes it impossible for me to clean up later.

Being childfree might also have something to do with it but my basic attitude is if you think my house is a mess, then don't come over. I'd rather not be subjected to the white glove test when someone visits. I also don't tolerate drop ins, implying that if you do you might see things you didn't want to see (and you just might; I've heard stories about parents seeing their kids in the middle of things no one wants to see their kid engage in & the kid not stopping).

I'm still shocked MSN did a story on this. Are you?

Then there's this question. I don't definitely know why lawyers are hated. I haven't really experienced that in my career since people in entertainment generally like & respect lawyers. I can only tell you what I dislike about particular lawyers or the stereotypical groups.

I wonder if these people ever reneged on this. Honestly, I didn't follow the whole "lean in" stuff & really don't view myself as following a formula for doing things in my career (at least not consciously). I adamantly refuse to read the book or give this woman press. I also agree with people's comments that Slate is just as hypocritical as anyone else. Considering the whole stepped up enforcement on unpaid internships, I hope anyone doing it who could actually afford to pay folks & doesn't gets slammed for it. They just make all organizations look crappy & classist by continuing that system. I know I view them as being classist.

At least there are upsides and good things going on in my life, especially on the business end. Let's just say I've gotten 100% definitive signs that there's no good reason for me to throw in the towel on the entertainment career or anything I've worked many years to develop as part of my brand & identity. The day is definitely coming & the people who weren't there will certainly not get any kindness from me. The haters have already gotten their walking papers & the fakes have been replaced.

Just remember that even if you're in your darkest moments, you should never change who you are or be something you're not to please some jerk who could care less if you lived or died or if you were happy or sad. Average employers (the ones who seem to populate the majority of Corporate America), I'm looking at you. There are plenty of employers out there who would take you for who you are & even view that as a plus. Life's also too damn short as I can verify with this shitty summer; why spend your time being miserable?

Don't Hate on Me Because I'm Skinny

I just saw this story yesterday, after getting more details on an extra gig I'm doing this evening. That will be #4, meaning that I'd better pick my next one very carefully since I plan to unofficially retire from extra work. I have my own projects in line & don't want to become known as "that extra." When you look like me & there's so few people around who do, you run into that potential problem. I'll only do gigs after my 5th one if I get asked & have the time in my schedule.

Anyhow, I read that yesterday & agree that it sucks that the employees got treated that way. I'm all for wanting to file suit if it was some sneaky way to get rid of higher paid, older workers.

That's not what has me ticked. Read the comments.

Notice all the skinny hate? People get all whiny & mad when fat people or anyone higher than size X get ridiculed. Yet, the same "big is beautiful" crowd will turn around & make cracks about skinny women. Like "size 2 & 4 women are meth addicts, teenagers, suffering from eating disorders, Asian, flat chested, exercise excessively, etc."

Guess what? I'M a size 2 and I'm none of this crap. The most I did was take my intro Jiu Jitsu course a month ago. Otherwise, I don't even leave my house that much & really don't work out save the occasional walk to the bank or some other place I have to go.

I also don't starve myself or feel pressured to be skinny. I've always been skinny (I was a size 5 in high school). Forget about me gaining weight until I hit 40 or so. I couldn't gain weight if I wanted to. This is a genetic thing: my mom was a size 7 until around that time & this was after having both me + my sister.

If you're a size 2, what's life like? I'll tell you.

* You have to rummage around to find clothing that fits you & doesn't cost a fortune. Know what it's like to have to find someone who can alter your stuff so it fits you properly? The only business suit I have that makes me look like a bad ass came from a store that is tailored to Asian women.

* You have family members wonder why you're so thin & fear you getting thinner even though you don't diet. Telling me to go on a diet or eat super health food would earn you a good, hearty laugh & convince me you're stupid.

* You have to worry about being sexually harassed or getting treated as a sex object. Not really an issue for me since I've been in more academic settings & don't conduct myself as a typical flirty girl. If I did, I'd have 1,000 times more haters. At least I'm a natural redhead so I have natural redhead legend to back up any assertion that I'll cut off some guy's dick if he pisses me off. That tends to make a smart person think twice.

* You get hit on a lot. Well, I have. Despite being married & no longer interested in anyone other than hubby. At least I do have backing if my husband took me for granted or cheated on me: I could find someone to cheat with much quicker.

This gets awkward when you're trying to do professional networking. How would you like to think you're having a professional conversation with someone only to learn they're too busy fantasizing about you in your birthday suit?

Is it no wonder I work in the entertainment industry? People there don't have green eyed monster bitchiness towards me for looking as I look. Plus, the industry deems me pretty without me having to put in effort I didn't want.

So if you attack me for being smaller, call me names or assume nasty things about me, expect me & every other skinny woman to dish it right back out at you. It goes both ways, people.

Oh, and excuse me for living because I chose not to have kids & gain baby weight (for those mothers who resent me because I'm thin & they're not anymore). You made your choices; I made mine. Deal with it.

Haters: A Sign That You've Made It

Seems everyone I know who is actually doing something has haters. You know what a hater is, right? Someone who's got nothing better to do than threaten, harass, stalk, impersonate or do anything & everything to bring someone else down.

Here's what haters aren't:

A) Ambitious/Hardworking. People who are ambitious are too busy doing things for themselves to try sabotaging others.

B) Important. Important people are needed & far too busy to send threatening messages, create hate websites, stalk people or bother others.

C) Somebody. You won't stay a somebody very long by threatening others or sabotaging them because you'll never have time to focus on your own career and your own work.

D) Smart. Haters don't think about how they just make the object of the hatred more important & noticeable. If someone has haters, it means people have some reaction to them instead of total indifference.

I know people who have vocal & downright pathetic haters. Any recent haters I have would be saddened to know that they're not the first and certainly not the brightest people to hate me. I'm sure they won't be the last, either.

They should also be praying harder than anyone for my success. After all, idle time on my hands means I have time to hunt down saboteurs like wild animals & come up with some truly vicious psychological torture that will make them cry for the sweet release of death. Ever think of that??? Or that you might just move up to the tip-top of the list?

Haters who think they can silence me are sadly mistaken. In fact, it's been my goal in life to exist just to piss off anyone who'd dare to stop me from doing anything. No one will take my voice & I'll die free before I live a coward.

So I have to agree w/the wisdom that says "If you have haters, you must be doing something right."

Haters also seem to take out their hatred of life & personal situation onto others instead of working to make life better for themselves. You're also pretty pathetic if you go around hating people who aren't even mega-famous or millionaires. At least one could have some sympathy for those haters instead of thinking you're too sad and miserable to go get laid, find a nice job or do something more productive. I know there are much better things to do in life than hate the author of this blog, who's neither famous nor rich. You'd have to be insane to want to live my life from birth to the present.

And I know there are better things to do than create hate websites dedicated to people who don't even live in the same country as you.

At least haters give those of us who have them badges of honor & proof we're doing something right. So there.

Some Roots of My Classism

If you are from a higher class background and scratch your head at the whole poor experience or why people don't just pay their bills, let me tell you about an interesting scenario that gives you a lot of detail into someone: bill collector calls.

Bill collectors will call your house & use every dirty trick they can under the law to get money from you. They might as well get big guys with pipes and baseball bats the way you can get harassed. Some of them will call people who aren't even named debtors just to bother them. I don't know why, especially if your address is different from theirs. Harassment tactic? Getting family members to harass you to pay a bill you can't pay?

Growing up in a household where you had to screen phone calls, I'm not a judgmental prick when it comes to someone getting collection calls. Here are some cues to where someone falls on the socioeconomic ladder:

If:
* You ask someone why they don't just pay their bills or write a check to a creditor.
* You give out information to creditors calling your home.
* You give out honest information to creditors such as phone numbers, social security numbers, etc.

then you have never been poor. You think all people owing money to someone are deadbeats and you're liable to get murdered by those who are honestly trying to pay bills but have asshole creditors who won't compromise or budge an inch. This type of thing provokes rage from my family members & from me.

The people who have had to deal with this know how scummy bill collectors are & don't help them. They also don't walk around with sanctimonious attitudes or make naive and stupid statements such as suggesting you negotiate with bill collectors or "pay your bills."

Do you really think anyone enjoys screening their phone calls or dealing with bill collectors? If you think there's any choice involved, you're a special type of scumbag & deserve to become poorer than anyone you dare to trash.

So I think where you fall on this issue is a good indicator of the type of person you are and where you came from. For my part, I think people who didn't have life handed to them on a silver platter are more resourceful, smarter and more prepared for the real world than those who did. I relate better to those people & figured that anyone I'd really be serious about would have to be someone who'd had to deal with bill collectors calling or understand real life as I knew it. My feeling was that no rich guy would ever be able to understand me and therefore, could never fully accept me for who I am.

One thing I'm thrilled about is that many people in my life believe in me and think that things will work out for me in a meaningful way. Some of these were people I didn't even think believed in me.

I'm glad people in my life root for me. We all need that. To me, if you're not rooting for me, then you're against me. Being against me means I don't give a damn about you. It means I know you'll be eating your words since many people doubted or discounted me on other things & when I proved them wrong, they had to eat their words. Making people eat their words is fun.

What I despise is haters in your own family. I feel like my husband suffered a disadvantage since I don't see most of his family believing in him or nurturing his dreams like mine did & still do. Count yourself lucky if your family stands by you, especially if you're pursuing a career in entertainment. He says they do but I beg to differ. None of them are buying our movies, going to our events or seem to consider me pursuing this as a serious career like everyone else does. Making money should not be the criterion to calling yourself an entertainment professional; otherwise, most of us couldn't claim that title.

I'm glad my close family & friends don't view me as some wannabe, that they take me & our work seriously. They'd be at our events & see me sing in a second if they lived near here. I don't have room for haters in my life, not anywhere. I feel like people are either with me or against me. I'm glad my husband & so many other people are with me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

And if you're not with me, don't expect me to have any kindness or mercy toward you. Don't ask for favors and don't try being a friend b/c I'll just see right through you. Not understanding the creative mindset is a huge roadblock to relating to me or anyone else who is a true creative.