Seeing that MTV's latest episode of True Life is "I'm Relocating for Love," I just have to address an issue that's been bothering me for years.
That is the idea that giving up your life, career prospects, friends, family, etc. for a relationship is somehow "sweet," "romantic" or in any way a GOOD idea. It's NOT!!!
It's pathetic. It's controlling. It's forcing someone's hand in a relationship & creating guilt on them if they break up with you. If you want to guilt someone into a serious relationship, why not just get pregnant w/the guy's baby? This is almost as bad.
I guess it's the only thing men can do to trap women into marriage or serious relationships.
You say no man wants to get married?! Read on:
When I was in college, I had a summer relationship w/a guy I refer to as Psycho Boy. Read other entries if you want more information about him.
Among his many sins, one of them was his near insistence on moving to Atlanta when he had NO reason to be there other than the fact that I was attending college there. He had no family or friends living there, no job & didn't even have a lifelong dream to live there. He'd have left his family, his job & friends to live I don't know where in Atlanta. I lived on a college campus at the time so even if I'd not wanted my separate space, living in my dorm room was out of the question. This guy visiting me became an emotional strain after a while.
I did not & still don't think it was the least bit sweet or romantic to offer that. I viewed it as an attempt to force me into a long-term relationship that I didn't want. I saw my future flash before my eyes & I didn't like it. That future was of being a homemaker to someone w/no ambition.
Even if you don't know me personally, it should be painfully obvious if you've read much of this blog that I'm not the sort who'd be a good homemaker. I had wild oats to sow & things to accomplish that weren't going to happen if I'd stayed with this man. I also didn't want to take blame for him moving to Atlanta & the relationship ending since I'd feel responsible if I'd told him to go ahead.
So I told him not to move to Atlanta unless he had ANY other reason to be there besides me. I don't think anyone should move someplace just to be with a significant other unless (s)he can live with that choice & isn't trying to force a relationship down the other person's throat.
You'd think this was enough, but no! A couple years later, another guy tried to force me into a serious relationship. This guy is known as Condo Man for living in a condo. He was 8 years older than me, an engineer & according to a guy friend of mine had "the social skills of a rock." Seriously, he made ME look like my sister when it comes to socialization & everyone knows I'm moderate at best while she's a regular social butterfly.
He mistook my needing a temporary place to stay that he voluntarily offered beforehand as our relationship going to next level. Oh, and he knew I was applying to law school out of state & that I was saving money to move to NYC.
He decides to get me a ring (a silver one that was much too big for me) & insisted that I wear it if I want to stay in his home. I remember him saying to me one night "I want to get married." Thanks. I knew he didn't care about ME, my feelings or what I wanted to do in life. I was just some chick for him to hitch his wagon to, so to speak. Love THAT feeling. Guess if you're desperate to get married, that's all fine & good.
It wasn't for me. I ended up getting a new place to live & eventually moved to CT for law school. I told him I was moving to a different Northeastern state since he had the nerve to call me up & ask about doing something for his birthday after we'd broken up b/c he wanted to sabotage my future. I call it sabotage when you're kicking me out of your home b/c I want to buy my own groceries, have gas in my car to get to work & don't want to marry you.
See why it's such a miracle that I ever got married? I figured that all marriages were about giving up your plans, identity, career, your very essence for someone else. I would never do that so I figured I'd be single forever. Then I met a man who felt the exact same way as me & actually supports me 100% on my endeavors. He'd be furious if I gave things up for him & vice versa.
He moved from CT to Long Island to be with me temporarily while I was finishing law school. You might think that would have ticked me off but it didn't for a few reasons:
1. He hated living in Long Island.
2. He hated his dead-end job that had nothing to do w/the degree he'd just gotten. There's a reason I call that place "the Hellhole."
3. If he hadn't, I would have had to end the relationship since I wouldn't have been able to afford to go see him. My law school roommate was moving out & my costs would have gone up tremendously if I'd gotten a one bedroom apartment instead.
4. I think he'd still be living in Long Island if he hadn't met me considering I'm the one who got him a job interview for his current position after he was too busy at the dead-end job to follow up with anyone.
Come to think of it, I've been a lot of people's "kick in the pants" to change their lives.
So I think he was smart enough to move for his own good, not just to be in a relationship with me. It also proved we could live under the same roof & not kill each other. I simply told him what I was facing & that the choice was his but that I'd have to move on if he wasn't going to do anything to help himself. He has very few friends who still live in Long Island or that he can even relate to since they self-segregate & do nothing but whine about their sad lives but do nothing to fix them.
Honestly, if my husband hadn't moved to CT it would have shown me that he wasn't the person I thought he was. He wouldn't have been an ambitious person out to make things happen for himself; he'd have been just like Psycho Boy, letting life control what he did & never taking any steps to control his fate.
Last I heard, Psycho Boy was still living in the same town I grew up in. In a sick, twisted turn of events, he's actually related by marriage to my sister's fiance. He apparently didn't remember my sister but I know if he saw me, he'd remember me.
See why I had to get out of my hometown? Thank God I did.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Relocating for "Love"
Posted by Film Co. Lawyer at 7:42 PM
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