Sunglasses: A Symbolism Story

Until taking high school English & learning about it, I didn't really appreciate the concept of symbolism. After that, I started to notice little symbolism stories in my own life. The absolute best one was when I lost the diamond ring I bought myself years before on the same weekend my then-boyfriend said he cheated on me. I think I told it before but if I didn't, I have to someday.

The latest one concerns my former childhood best friend. Maybe now we ought to call her a train wreck or someone TLC ought to be contacting with a contract for a reality show. From her latest antics, they really ought to. She's apparently managed to make one acquaintance who I felt ought to get a reality show w/her sister look functional by comparison (she's the one who had to fight to get a tubal after having 4 kids & limited means to raise them).

Many moons ago (or at least it feels that way), before she went insane my ex-friend gave me a pair of sunglasses. They weren't really The Angry Redheaded Lawyer's style (my style is very eclectic & different from the pack's) but I said "Thank you" and took them just the same.

If you read "The Wedding Saga" series here, you know that friendship has definitively been history for a while. But...it gets so much better.

Remember when I mentioned my sister finding out her husband had been having less than clean conversations with other women on Facebook? Well, guess who he decided to have one of these conversations with? Guess who responded to these overtures & said nothing to my sister? You got it, this ex-friend.

My sister, for God only knows what reason, decided not to tell this bitch to suck it or fuck off or drop dead like 95% of us would have. No, she decided to still talk to her though on a more limited basis.

Two thoughts occurred to me at hearing this:

1. My BIL could do so much better than ex-friend. If he were single, had no kids, dressed nicely & came to a fashion show, he could probably have a shot with a fashion model. I know them, you know. Plus, I have the wingwoman skills. Oh, hell I'll be a bitch & say it: this ex-friend was a size 22 at the wedding. I am (and was) a size 2.

Looking back these days, maybe my ex-friend had more luck with guys than me back in the day because she had fewer standards than me. I was picky, wasn't going to have sex with them & according to people I know (and even someone who reached out to my sister later), guys were intimidated of me & insecure around me being who I am. Older guys checked me out but I had no skill to pursue that and no one really pursued me until college.

2. My sister ought to be nominated for sainthood. The reason will be even more obvious soon.

Fast forward to this month: the ex-friend had the baby with her illegal fling who I guarantee isn't nearly as good looking as most of my guy friends & certainly not any male models I've worked with. She contacts my sister (AFTER the revelation of her little conversation with my BIL which my sister found out about & not from the ex-friend) to ask her to get a free bassinet my sister is trying to sell. This after she apparently owes my sister money from that wedding.

My mother apparently told my sister she was done with this ex-friend after the ex-friend showed her ass at the wedding (the incident referenced later in the saga & to which everyone who's heard that tale sides with me, including many impartial third parties). My sister simply opted not to return that phone call.

Apparently, ex-friend was around when my sister lost her first husband but I think that ex-friend used up the goodwill from that ages ago. Recently, we crossed 10 years since this guy died; I don't think you can do the shit she did & get to remain in someone's good graces because you comforted them when their first husband died.

As far as I'm concerned, the only thing my sister owes this ex-friend is not shooting her on sight (mostly so my sister doesn't have to go to jail). Anything else is fair game.

Now, for the symbolism. I started wearing these sunglasses & didn't really care if they got messed up or lost screws (as most of my sunglasses invariably have happen) since I was just using them in the meantime before wearing newer ones I got that are in keeping with my style. I had been wearing them for the longest time just because. Certainly anyone who saw me in them figured they weren't really my aesthetic.

A few days ago, I came home & had the sunglasses in my purse. I open them up to find this:



I have no clue how that happened. I wouldn't be able to physically break them myself, my purse had been closed when I discovered this & I'd worn them home a few minutes earlier. The cats didn't sit on them or my purse. I'm still puzzled over it.

I still have to get the screws out so I can save them or maybe put them into some other sunglasses in a style I like. I just think this is interesting. Don't you? Whose sunglasses break apart like that with no prior evidence of this?

This ex-friend is also a huge reason I'm selective about who gets to come into or stay in my life along with convinced that no one should get to stay in your life simply because they've been there forever if they no longer fit within it. Friends of mine certainly better know if they don't that they're in a privileged place & past goodwill isn't going to keep them around forever. Guess my sister got the whole saintly stuff when it comes to people while I got the "no mercy" gene.

The Wedding Saga Part 6

This is the last installment of "The Wedding Saga" since we're now on Saturday morning, the day of the wedding. After reading this, you will likely see why I had to consider my estranged friend an ex-friend. I'll also share an epilogue of this whole thing.

Hopefully, it will effectively purge all this from my system since it's been creeping into my head this week and that's not cool. I also tend to handle things better after I write about them and boy, will this be a doozie.

Saturday morning, we have a hair appointment at a local hair place to get our hair done. Somehow, my sister talked my mother into going and getting an updo for her hair. One fact about my mother: she HATES being fussed with. Going to get her hair trimmed is an ordeal for her.

I'm the exact opposite. I've got no objection to having my hair done. As long as the person doing it is licensed, competent and doing what I want done, I'm all set. My sister is similar as she was the first to get her hair done. After all, she was the bride so she had to go first.

While she was getting her hair done, the co-matron of honor arrives with her daughter. I spend most of my time watching my sister get her hair done or talking to my mom. At some point before my sister is done, my mother changes her mind about getting her hair done and says she'll do it at home on her own. My sister and I tried to talk her into staying but she couldn't be moved. I told her she should live a little and one of these days, I vow to have my mom get a nice hairstyle only a pro could do.

The co-matron of honor had no clue how she wanted her hair done while I brought pictures of 3 styles, 2 being a back up in case the one I really wanted could not be done. My mom had reservations about the abilities of the hairstylist. I said if they told me they couldn't do what I wanted, I'd ask why they're licensed to do hair since I certainly can't do it myself.

Luckily, that wasn't an issue. Since I was ready to go and perhaps because I also looked more like the bride and was specifically told not to wear my hair down since her hair was partly down and a similar length to mine, I was next for styling.

While I was waiting to get my hair done, my sister confronts the co-matron of honor about using condiments. She confesses to using the church's hot sauce, as mentioned previously. My sister points out the disrespect to the church. What is this woman's reaction?

She ignores my sister and puts a magazine over her face. My sister pointed out that there was no point in talking to her because of her moving the magazine over her face.

Now I may not be a follower of organized religion but even the biggest heathens I know wouldn't steal someone else's condiments from their fridge. They have a little thing called "respect for other people's property." They'd also not teach their kids that it's okay to steal from others if it's convenient for you, which I felt she was telling her daughter with her behavior to my sister.

That's the first thing this co-matron of honor did that day. There was more.

When I was finished, my hair looked like this:

Considering I have long hair and most people are used to my hair coming down past my neck, this is a radical departure. A lot of work was put in to make sure the hair would not sag on me; it stayed up nicely and I would definitely see about getting it again for future formal events.

My family had nice things to say about it. My only request in picking my updo was that nobody copy it. I'm a big individualist freak anyway but since we were not told to look identical, I didn't want people copying me. I hate looking like everyone else and deliberately avoid wearing things that look exactly the same on 10 other people.

The co-matron of honor joked around when I said this like she'd try copying me just to piss me off. She picks out a style from a book and asks me and my sister whether it looks too much like mine. I thought it did and spoke up, as is my nature. Then a different hairstyle was suggested that my sister had wanted her to get to start with. My sister even told her as much.

The co-matron of honor, in case you don't recognize it, pulled a typical bitch girl move, which I consider a Southern hallmark. If you've seen how Sandy interacts with the Fashion Club on Daria, you know what I'm talking about. Pretending to be sensitive to your feelings while trying to pick something she knows will render objection from you.

Problem is, you can't do this with someone who doesn't care about group harmony and not making waves. It doesn't work with assertive people since assertive types will speak up and protect their interests. When I saw her do this, I thought "Bitch." Intention or not, that's how I saw it & soon, you won't feel too much sympathy for her.

After my hair was done, it was 11 and we had to leave. I could not stay since I had to wash my face to put on makeup, my makeup & outfit was at home and I did want to see my husband. It made sense for me to leave with my sister, who was my ride & had to leave herself. The co-matron of honor, despite being told on Tuesday about having to be alone if only 1 person was doing our hair, gets all upset about this. My sister does not give in to this and we leave.

Getting that updo made me a VERY happy woman. Dressing up always does but that updo really made my day. Good thing because I hadn't faced the ultimate test of emotional fortitude yet.

My husband and I went to Chick-Fil-A so I could redeem a free grilled chicken salad coupon. We also picked up the nugget trays for the wedding, which we had no problem doing.

After arriving at the church, the ladies changing area wasn't open yet so I decided to do something constructive: take out ingredients from my salad I wouldn't eat. I don't know what it is with cheese on salad in the South but it's not something I like on mine so I took it out. Thankfully, the ingredients were separated on each side of the salad so I could remove what I don't eat pretty easily. After doing this, adding dressing and croutons and blending it all together, the changing area was opened.

We got a very nice parlor to change in that was bigger than some Manhattan studio apartments. It had a kitchen, bathroom, couch, table, windows and 2 doors to get in and out from. I moved my clothes and joined my sister and the bridesmaid who should have been matron of honor instead (who happened to arrive with my sister).

The next thing I know, I'm alone in the parlor with the co-matron of honor who has asked to go into the bathroom while I'm putting the final touches on my makeup. Despite my behavior through out the week, she gives me a hug and says she hopes she can visit with me and Tom alone the next time I visit.

Not wanting to buy into this lie but not wanting to bring personal matters into my sister's wedding, I say "I have things to say about that but today is not the day to discuss it."

Simple enough, right? Polite, to the point and honest. One has the right in life to disagree with things and remain silent when the occasion to discuss something is not right. I also felt such a conversation was not appropriate to have in front of her 4 year old daughter.

I go back to eat my lunch. She, unlike most rational people, doesn't leave it alone.

Instead, she walks up and says "You've hurt me all this week with your behavior. I've been here making an effort and you don't seem to care. I made one mistake and you're holding it against me." She proceeds to go off on me and try goading me into a fight, thinking that I'm upset because of her personality 180 when we're long past that.

While she says this, I concentrate on eating my salad so I don't collapse before the wedding at 2 p.m. I also remember what I told my sister about being civil to this woman until after the wedding so it would not be ruined by not having a flower girl or other chaos. My thought was "I will not ruin my sister's wedding by talking about this." I know that if I say a word, I would be accused of trying to ruin my sister's wedding. I'm far classier than that.

She gets hysterical to the point that she starts tearing up and her daughter says "Mommy, what's wrong?" I wonder how she's going to respond to her. She says that life is the problem.

After this, I finish my salad and decide that instead of being a pig by leaving food garbage in the parlor, I'll go to the kitchen and throw my trash out there. I also went to my car to call my husband, who was in a different area of the church, to tell him what happened. I didn't want to tell my sister about it since she had enough to deal with but planned to do so later, like the next day. Since my mother wasn't around, I chose to talk to my husband since he tends to be a calming force for me and I knew he'd not go blabbing about it to others.

While I was doing this, the other matron of honor tells the bridesmaid who should have been doing it instead about how she's upset by her conflict with me and her trying to pick a fight with me. She tells the other matron of honor that it is my sister's day NOT hers and to pull herself together. I didn't learn about this until after I personally thanked her for stepping up in the face of laziness by the co-matron of honor. I wish I had since I'd have thanked her for that as well.

For the rest of the time, I focus on wedding prep and going through the motions. I even helped the other matron of honor zip her dress up and you could not tell she had just done this. She at least kept her mouth shut through this part.

When we got to the service, she proceeds to make a big show of moving my sister's train. Groomsmen were apparently rolling their eyes. I spent most of my time looking over at my husband and the happy couple. The kids did what they were supposed to and the service itself went well. My infant nephew got fussy because a 1 year old doesn't want to wear a suit or sit in a church. The baby holder had to take him out of there during the service.

When we start walking out, I think it looks like the other matron of honor was wanted while I was just there out of obligation. I don't feel particularly special or important as a matron of honor with being given nothing to do in the service while the other one got to do everything while doing next to nothing + trying to ruin the wedding.

At the reception, she horns in on our table because her daughter wants to sit next to me. My husband said that was fine. After all, it's not that little girl's fault that her mother is selfish and has no respect for my family. So I have to sit and go through the motions a little more.

Then, the time to give a toast comes up. My sister wanted both matrons of honor to give a toast but my husband, father and general social pressure lead to me doing it instead of the other one. She also agrees to it, maybe because I actually am good with the public speaking aspect as a performer.

So I got up and spoke from my heart about the bride & groom from my perspective. I made it a point to talk about my brother in law's standing up to be a role model and father to my older nephew since many men wouldn't embrace a kid from an earlier marriage as much as he has. He also didn't have the responsibilities of fatherhood before dating my sister so it's admirable and worth public praise to acknowledge him for that. I meant everything I said and spoke with sincerity.

Afterwards, people complimented me on it. Even the best man said he couldn't do as good a toast as me when he started his! My sister said she was scared since she apparently thought I'd just embarrass her but it was a wedding toast, not her roast at the Friar's Club or elsewhere. If anyone gives her one, you'd better believe I'd want to speak about her.

Once the wedding was over, we had agreed to help clean up. After changing out of my dress (right when we got into the reception area, I changed out of my high heels) and gathering my things into one area in the parlor, I went to see what I could do as well as be near my husband. My husband did a lot in the cleanup effort. I did smaller things like move items that were spread out into closer locations and the like.

Once my husband had done a lot of things, including helping set up the chairs for the choir in the sanctuary, he said he was done and we tried to see if the bride or groom wanted us to do more.

I happened to go outside to see the groom and one of the groomsmen. I mentioned that the other matron of honor and I weren't on the best terms.

Now, you'd think that if someone had confronted the bride's sister on personal matters and had been told by a different bridal attendant to shut the hell up on the bride's wedding day that person would keep their damn mouth shut throughout the day. This co-matron of honor did not have that kind of class.

She instead decides to tell both the bride and the groom about her little confrontation with me. While we are still at the church. While we still have updos in our hair. Maybe even while still wearing dressy attire. I don't even think they had left the church at that time. The groom tells her he wants no part of it. Isn't that an awesome brother in law? If only more family members behaved that way.

He wasn't even around us all that much and he apparently knew something was up before I said a word about not being on good terms with this co-matron of honor.

As my husband and I were leaving, the other matron of honor slipped outside while we were talking to the groom. We simply said our good-byes to the groom and went on our way. After we left, she apparently commented on how I would not acknowledge her.

Let's see:

1. You steal from my aunt's church after my aunt has stuck her neck out & gone through great effort to get the space for the wedding.

2. You force yourself into every possible space and event you can that I must attend as a matron of honor. Then, you mistake that for "making an effort."

3. You stand up in the church and perform nearly every single matron of honor duty while making me look like an obligatory pick for matron of honor that isn't all that well liked. Wouldn't you agree if you were observing this and saw one girl doing everything while the other one was just standing there?

4. You realize that the bride's sister doesn't want to talk to you but try to delude yourself into thinking things are peachy keen with her and get upset when she doesn't follow the rules of your fantasy world.

5. You put yourself before everyone else and try your best to ruin the wedding.

6. You go to my family members and the bride's friends like I'm some bully on the playground that you're tattling on. Guess what? I didn't like that shit when my ex-boyfriend did it & I certainly don't like you doing it either.

That's not even going into what kind of example her daughter is being shown. Besides her trying to ruin the wedding by dragging personal events into it, she chooses to confront me in front of her child. Even I have more respect for kids than to instigate fights with grown ups in front of them.

I wonder how many events she's not gotten to stay for because of that scumbag being more important. I noticed through this trip that she mentioned her dad all the time but never said a word about her mom. I hope her dad gets fairness in family court & that he learns about his ex-wife's actions at this wedding. This, to me, proves that she is far too selfish and egoistic to be taking care of a young child at this point in life. You have to be able to put a child first and doing this stuff shows a course of conduct that doesn't say "My child comes first."

When I get home that evening, I tell my mother about this and how this means I really can't call her a friend anymore. She says it's up to me but that we did need a break from one another anyway. Before that, she'd been talking about not throwing away a friendship I'd had for so long. My husband said that was probably the closest my mom would ever come to saying "drop that friendship like a bad habit." The irony is my mom doesn't even like her all that much. She can tolerate her but she's never been best buddies with her or anything. Her actions at this wedding with the simple confrontation are enough for me to say the friendship is dead.

Her other actions clench that decision, which I had a lot of time to think about on that long ride back to NYC.

Epilogue: After reaching the comfort and peace of NYC (yes, I find NYC comforting and peaceful since it's my home), I decide that since the wedding is over and she's issued some heavy charges against me, it's time to respond. I chose a Facebook message to state my piece and share why I have no incentive to be her friend. Closer to my sister, trying to upstage me, sticking yourself into sister drama & not bothering to have the class to step down or divide up duties more equitably since you didn't do your part, forcing me to deal with you when I don't want to and tattling to my relatives when you don't get what you want.

Would YOU want to deal with someone like this? I did not. I said that until she stopped being a selfish bitch, she shouldn't bother trying to communicate with me. I also said that if she talked to my family members about our personal conflicts, she could consider herself dead to me. For good measure, I deleted numbers and blocked since I had no interest in getting a response.

Thus far, no one has said a word to me about the whole thing.

My sister even said she was limiting her contact with my ex-friend and wasn't planning to invite her to anything in the near future. I told her she could handle her own relationship w/this person as she wanted but I'd chosen to cut ties.

Of all the people in the world I'd expect things like this from, she was the very last one. She was originally picked for this wedding because she was the sort who'd have told others not to ruin the bride's day; she wasn't the sort to ruin weddings & start problems.

Getting rid of this friendship felt like a ton of bricks was lifted off me. I don't care how long you've known someone: when a friendship feels exhausting and like you're carrying a 16 ton safe on your back, it's time to move on. Being in my life is a privilege; it's not a God given right (or a Satan given right for that matter). If my presence in your life is not a privilege, then you have no right to call me a friend.

Since my oldest friend in the world of over 20 years basically 180ed into a selfish bitch, I really can't expect anyone else to be a true friend to me. My expectations about people in general have shifted once again and I know I'll never have a close friendship again. No bother: I think that BFF bond was missing for a very long time.

I'll never have my own Sex & the City gang of female friends. I think it's a combination of not meeting females I can connect with on that level and me not being a person who wants to beg for acceptance like a puppy dog nipping at your ankles. I'm just not the type to force myself into someone's events or life. That's why I plan my own and show up alone.

At least I have my husband. Still not sure how or why we connected so easily since we're both wary of others & have viewed human interaction as exhausting at times. For some mysterious reason, neither of us has never been an intrusion to each other. Even in my worst "I hate everyone; I want to be alone" mood, his presence is a comfort to me just like my cat's.

These days, I just lack any type of expectation of people. So many have let me down or disappointed me in some way that I'm just not affected anymore when the inevitable rejection happens. This is why I can have contacts but I don't feel like I have true friends who'd really make that effort to help me if something bad happened. Having a career that keeps you busy also helps. If you're always busy, you have very little time to be lonely or mourn what you haven't got. When you get down to it, we're all alone anyway.

Am I emotionally damaged? Probably. I'm just not sure you can expect a person who lost their only childhood friend to believe that she could have future friendships as close or as deep. I don't believe I will so I'll just keep my more shallow interactions and avoid getting too attached. Heck, it's probably a miracle I'm not more screwed up and manage to function pretty well considering.

The Wedding Saga Part 5

On Wednesday, I got my very first Mystic Tan. A sorority sister of mine who worked at a tanning salon once told me that she could get even me tan w/a Mystic Tan. I'd heard about it and my sister has had a few but I had not. Originally, we were going to get airbrushed tans and could not get wet for 24 hours but the choice was made to opt for a Mystic tan at a familiar location where appointments were not necessary.

Plus, my sister said she was self conscious about some pretty young woman getting to spray her with her not being "little & skinny." That was certainly not an issue for me; I figured I'd just be going along with the game plan anyway. Plus I have had to try on bras in large dressing areas where there was no private space and you had to disrobe in front of women you didn't know.

If you have an acting background, your personal boundaries are also different from the average person's since you have to be more up & close and personal with people as part of acting exercises and the like. It changes the bounds of your comfort zone. Because of this, I know for a fact I have no lesbian tendencies since those would have shown up a long time ago like when I was in high school theater or dance, where we had no formal changing areas and had 2 spaces on either side of the school's stage to change into things you couldn't get into discreetly like sports bras.

To get a Mystic Tan, you have to go into a booth by yourself after putting on barrier cream and, in our case, some hydrating lotion to make the tan spread evenly. One tip: they mean it when they say to use the barrier cream generously. My thumb looked dirty after my tan started showing.

I didn't realize how cold it would be. I had to work hard not to flinch when the spray was hitting me. I was holding my breath & felt shivery. At least next time I get it done, I'll know what to expect.

After this, we went to an event at my nephew's school. They were having their book bash, where the kids had made their own books to show the parents. My nephew had me, my husband, his parents and my parents in attendance. We even had our own little corner since there were so many of us. I think he had more people there to support him than any other kid in the class.

The only thing I didn't appreciate is my sister playing fashion police. My mother likes to do that to and I think it stems from being upset that I got more in the bust department than they did. For years, I've had to deal with both of them trying to play fashion police & telling me to dress like an old grandmother, never playing up my looks. I've thought of dressing like an old lady sometime just to bug them. The irony is that my sister was far more rebellious when it came to our conservative Christian upbringing; now she seems to have embraced it on some level while I rebelled more quietly.

Sounds simple to say "don't get wet for 6 hours", right? Not if you want a bottle of water and there's condensation to deal with. That was a pain for me at this event.

The upside is that while the tan didn't make me super brown I did go from looking like a ghost with red hair to a more normal person with red hair. I seriously have a Polaroid pic of myself from 10th grade where I look like a ghost with red hair and red painted fingernails.

The rest of that day and into Thursday, I got a break from the wedding stuff and got to spend quality time with my family members, especially my older nephew. My husband was teaching him bad habits but we did end up watching cartoons with him and exposing him to some classics he might not normally get to see. It also makes me feel good that he likes cartoons on Boomerang since I'd feel I failed if he became a teen and didn't know who Bugs Bunny was.

On Thursday, I got to visit my uncle. He's actually the only one who acknowledged my wedding and has a lot in common with my husband. They've wanted to meet one another for ages & finally got that opportunity. My cousin was working but everyone hoped they'd show up for the wedding. They did not.

This is largely because my uncle is somewhat reclusive and not the most social person. My mother is also like this to a lesser degree. I really should go find my cousin online and pester him for not taking the opportunity to get to see my husband in a tux since it will likely never happen again.

However, to this day none of my other relatives even said so much as "Congratulations" to me when I got married while going above and beyond for my sister. I've been married for nearly 5 years now, you know? I'm sure many of them even gave her wedding gifts. I've also felt like many of my family members seem to begrudge me living my own life and getting out of the South when I would have continued to be miserable if I'd stayed there & surely remained single for life.

Whether they actually do or not, I don't know but I've not felt the same kind of love or regard toward me that my sister has gotten.

So now we move to Friday, the night of the dress rehearsal. After some more spouse & me time, we have to go to the church in the evening. This is a real fun thing considering my husband isn't the least bit religious and apparently, neither are some of the groom's friends.

The best man showed up intoxicated. The other matron of honor decided to text through most of it and my aunt tried lumping me in as a bridesmaid while the ineffective matron of honor was hogging all the credit & getting to do EVERY LITTLE THING. The church was having a youth lockup that night.

For those thinking that a "youth lockup" is some kind of simulated prison experience, let me explain. A "youth lockup" is basically a slumber party where you stay in one room, hang out with others and sleep on the floor. I went to one at the same church when I was in the Girl Scouts and had fun. Maybe it's different when the specter of religion is introduced but it's not supposed to be practice jail.

My husband was also taken aback when told he'd be assisting on escorting people into the church, including the groom's mother whom everyone described as a piece of work. She vanished after one full rehearsal and others started to trickle out when food plans were still not finalized. My husband was starting to get hungry and the prospect of dealing with this pushy matron of honor didn't please me at all. Finally, my sister decides to go with her to go get food from a restaurant the matron of honor works at. By the time this happened, my husband had a headache from lack of food so we had to leave (I rode with him).

While we were having dinner at Steak & Shake, more fun starts happening:

1. Instead of asking where the men's room was, the best man decides to relieve himself outside in some of the church's bushes. Not sure if he was in view of the youths attending the youth lockup but people were pissed about that.

2. The other matron of honor decides to use the church's hot sauce after one of our bridesmaids told her she could. Never mind that this bridesmaid had nothing to do with the church. See tomorrow's entry for her reaction when confronted on this. It gets good.

3. After this, she says she's going off to meet with the aforementioned scumbag and will be back soon. She doesn't come back.

4. The bridesmaid from above used the church's ketchup but was contrite and apologetic after realizing she'd stolen from the church.

Now, all this happens after an earlier fight with this bridesmaid (who STILL did a better job at being the local matron of honor than the other one did) and with the groom's mother causing conflict, essentially by being as cheap as possible.

My mother and my sister also had to deal with printing programs after all this and ended up having to burn the midnight oil to get that taken care of. They got very little sleep the night before this wedding.

I'm still pissed we didn't go to "The Breakfast Club" and my husband jokingly tried to talk me into going to a strip club near where we'd had dinner. I suppose to bring my spirits up over having to deal with this whole wedding; with my luck, though, I'd have probably seen someone I know working there.

That evening, I thought "I will be away from this other matron of honor at the reception because I will sit with my family." (to my chagrin, that didn't end up happening). We didn't get to go because he didn't feel well and it was raining most of the day. I was even drenched in a downpour that happened after my husband got his hair cut that afternoon.

I proudly wore my shirt that says "Good Girls Go to Heaven, Bad Girls Go to New York" but had my hoodie over it because of the rain. No way was I dressing up and getting clothes ruined or pretending to be the good little Christian I wasn't. My mom claimed my shirt wasn't appropriate but I refused to change and said "It doesn't have profanity on it!" I could understand not wearing a shirt with the work "fuck" on it in a church but not the one I wore, right? If you can't have a sense of humor, you should fuck off & die. That is all.

The Wedding Saga Part 4

So, now we're into Tuesday. By this time, I'm also starting to get irritated that I'm not getting to see much of my hubby, who had to beg, borrow & cheat to get the time off to travel to NC with me for this thing. I don't think he was even part of the wedding when he initially asked about it (he had to talk to someone w/more seniority but luckily, she's one of those cool people who still travels & has a youthful mindset); I'd wanted him to go in case Psycho Boy was invited and showed up--he's related to my brother in law but thankfully, his family rarely interacts with them. Starts to get clearer why I got the hell out of that town, eh? My family's STILL sympathetic to that guy, though they know better than to be his buddy. I'd disown them if they did.

Seriously, even though I'm quite happy being female, all this wedding stuff & agita from it was making me wish I was a guy. While my sister & I were fighting after the bridal shower, he got to hang out and play video games with the groom + my nephews. He also got to go to a comic book store he wanted to go to & we'd made plans to go to Charlotte that day after all the Tuesday work was done.

See why I'm more laid back? I also had to deal with the other matron of honor, who ended up once again eating lunch with us along with her daughter. I felt like I was seeing her more on this trip than my own husband & I'd told her beforehand I was not going to hang out with her without my spouse present. I'd thought we were just meeting her for the beautification stuff; I started to feel like we were adopting her or something. No problems w/her daughter: again, that kid's going to have a LOT to deal with.

We went to a pizza place that proclaimed to serve "authentic NY style pizza." Now in my experience as well as that of my spouse's, when anyone claims to have "authentic" anything & they aren't located in an area known for the item, you're generally going to be disappointed. I also can't put much stock into what a Southerner says about NY style pizza. Nor would I trust a New Yorker to know squat about hush puppies. However, thinking of the possible review I could write, I decide to go.

I'm not the pizza expert & the true test would be if my husband ate it but I did find the cannoli I got to be consistent with what I'd see in NYC or Long Island. Also found out that the flower girl just eats the cheese off her pizza and not the crust. I said she'd need to find someone like my husband to eat pizza with (who takes off the cheese & only eats the crust). That person would get the crust and she'd get the cheese.

Next is a trip to the bridal shop to pick up the other matron of honor's dress after the alternations lady mangled it the first time. She goes in to try on the dress with my sister watching while her daughter & I leaf through their dress catalog.

Warning: you don't want me looking through catalogs of evening gowns or even to go bridal gown shopping with me. I will end up wanting everything in sight. That catalog was no exception. I saw some gorgeous dresses and if I had the money and occasion for them, you bet I'd get some stuff and look fabulous in it.

They weren't 100% satisfied with the dress but she chose to pay for the full amount anyway. I would have put up a lot more resistance since, even if you are polite to me, I still have a "business is business" mentality and care very deeply about not wasting my hard earned money. More of that Southern tendency to complain about things but never to the person who needs to hear it; I take great pains to avoid that.

So then we head out for nail & foot work. This was the very first time I'd ever gotten a pedicure so I was a total novice on that. I also ended up getting gel nails with a design on my ring fingers and my big toes on top of the color I selected. Since my sister was not a Nazi about matching everything to the dress, I picked a color I liked that would go with my clothing as the colors she picked for the dress wouldn't have matched my wardrobe. I'm still shocked that dress came out looking okay on me, even without a Mystic Tan.

I got the basic pedicure while my sister & co-matron of honor got the second package. One thing to note: when they say "hot towel", they are not kidding around. I had to get used to the shock of my feet being worked on and the hot stones used later.

While we're sitting, an employee asks about eyebrow waxing. Another thing I'd never done and honestly lived in abject fear of. I've tried home waxing & I ended up bleeding. My sister said she was worried she'd scream and cry if she got one so she was nervous about but. However, she said if I would, then she would. Being someone who does try to branch out and have new experiences, I went ahead with it.

Shockingly, the waxing itself didn't hurt so much. It was the after effects that were a bigger problem (including the stinging). This is what the area looked like the next day:

If you looked me in the face:

My right eyebrow:

The left eyebrow:

You might notice some redness, especially at the middle. It was there. I still felt a little sensitivity from that after coming back. If you want me to wax anything, you'd better have about a week for recovery time for my horribly sensitive skin. Boy, do I hate having it. I was worried this wouldn't clear up before the wedding but luckily, it did.

Took a fair amount of time there but I also got my first gel nails. This was due to my rather weak, though longer nails. I got mine painted in light purple. My mother also pointed out that no one was going to see our nails anyway so why not pick exactly what we wanted. They still look good over a week later, which is a great thing.

Since it was after 5 or so when we got done, I knew my time was ticking to hang out w/hubby. The minute I got to my parents, I went to get him and get going.

Oh, and I should mention that this matron of honor also asked us to keep both her dress and her daughters because of smoking in the place she stays at. This was also the day she decided to muscle into our Saturday morning hair appointment, despite having a relative who does hair and likely closer options than the location we were at. My sister looked at the bright side, though: at least this matron of honor would be accounted for and not screwing around. She also plainly told her about the need to be out of there by 11 a.m. regardless of what else happened.

Finally being free from all this wedding planning, we go to Charlotte.

One thing I'm still really upset about is not getting to go to "The Breakfast Club." My husband is very picky about music and I know he'll go to an '80s club. I also like getting to dress up and prefer not going someplace where cover is obscene, at it tends to be in NYC (I remember a now closed '80s club charging $50 per person). One gentleman I knew from a karaoke place in Atlanta once told me that with my looks, I should never have to pay cover anywhere. He had eyes for somebody else (told us this before) so I knew it wasn't a cheap come-on but a fact.

Generally, I don't pay cover (and I'm speaking of your basic club vs. special events like live performances) but it's partly because I think it's a waste of money. There should be some kind of guarantee that you have fun or the cover is refundable. I'd get behind that policy in a second.

Going to Charlotte ended up being a wash. We couldn't find an open Jack in the Box, the outlet mall was closing up as we got there and the comic book shop that was so hyped up turned into a waste of time. Did go to Chick-Fil-A, though & then found a Jack in the Box AND the Steak and Shake. Annoying! Finally got to try the Banana Pudding milkshake and the yogurt parfait they have, though. Both were pretty good, especially the shake. I had the shake on Monday & the parfait on Wednesday.

Oh, don't worry. The saga ends pretty soon. It just gets better and better, though I discovered that if you take out the history and family dynamics I associate with North Carolina, I could tolerate some parts of it more. I'm fine with other areas of the state, though the main cultural differences still drive me nuts and would be intolerable for me to live in.

The Wedding Saga Part 3

Now, we're on Monday in this trip. Monday was an eventful day since we had to pick up my dress and determine if it would fit.

There was some very bad things going on with the alterations person. When the other ladies had gone to get their dresses, they'd needed some alterations. However, the other tall, skinny woman who was in this wedding (the groom's stepsister) did not need them at all; her dress fit everywhere perfectly. My sister presumed that since I'm of a similar height and weight, mine would also be fine.

Furthermore, this alterations person had royally screwed up on fixing things & in the case of the other matron of honor the dress had to be re-done because she'd used coral colored thread on something that should have been done in yellow. These dresses already took a very long time to arrive so this simply added to the dress.

We got my dress. I had to try it on much later because other things were going on. My sister had to meet up with her future mother in law to discuss food at the reception. This being my first time in a Sam's Club, I decide to wander around and compare the selection to warehouse clubs I've been to. It's very similar to the stock at BJ's & I did manage to get a few things while there since her MIL was kind enough to use her card for such purposes.

My sister also really did not want to subject another person to this alterations lady. Hell, she probably didn't want to expose this woman to me because if you screw up a nice outfit of mine, I'll unleash a huge tirade & probably threaten legal action against you if not outright bodily harm. I may even commit it for all we know. I'd have refused to pay for someone else's fuck up but in the South, you have to deal with people who grouse later but faux happily pay for someone else's screw up. I'm way too assertive & value my money too much for that.

Check out the shoes I wore:

Believe it or not, these were 4 inch heels. My mom & everyone else seemed shocked I could walk well in these.

You'd think these would be high enough for my dress & my biggest problem would be these making it too short. Nope!

The dress was very long. In fact, my mom said the hem should be taken up about 1/2 an inch or maybe an inch. My sister starts on the quest for shoes with a higher heel and a lighter silver shade. She claimed those were too dark. I was simply the model here, thanks.

Speaking of which, when I tried on the dress, my sister claimed that I had the perfect figure for it and ought to be modeling for the company that made it.

You hear that? I would be thrilled to get a job where I got to model evening dresses. Hell, if you give me some money & free clothing I'll be a very happy camper; I'd even take free clothing if you paid for my travel costs. It would be more of that positive reinforcement of "you're pretty" that I didn't get much of as a kid. More sticking it to those jerk guys who wouldn't date me or declared me ugly back in the day; I'm also big on symbolism.

Ultimately, the shoe hunt (which went into Tuesday) was a wash so I ended up with these shoes. It was believed that since I could walk in them down the aisle & didn't trip on the dress, I'd be fine. These people apparently forgot that I used to dress up most days in high school complete with heeled shoes since I worked at JcPenney at the time and got good discounts on stuff I could wear to work.

Guess who we run into at this Sam's Club...the other matron of honor with her young daughter. She proceeds to hang out with us more that day, including eating lunch with us.

Now I don't know why but her daughter formed a bond with me and wanted to hang out with me. I had no problem obliging. While I have no desire to have children of my own, I'm not a child hater. I love my nephews and I really feel for this kid and all the crap she's had to go through with her mother in the past year. Her home life was completely shattered because of her mother's behavior. She told me about seeing her dad & talked about him most of the time I talked to her; you can tell she loves him.

This also provides me with a good excuse to not to deal with the matron of honor. My 1 year old nephew was also there so I spent my time interacting with the kids. I also felt it was important to try building a bond with my nephew since it's not like he'd get to see me again for a while.

Another upside of the day was getting some strapless bras in my impossible to find size. My cousin happened to work at the place where I got them and recommended a great product that hasn't slipped on me once. I even got some free socks because the bras were enough to earn me a free package. Nice, huh? Believe me, this was extremely valuable to me.

Continuing this shoe hunt into Tuesday, more events are planned. We're slated to go for nail work and pedicures with this matron of honor as well as her daughter, the flower girl. Her daughter's a girly girl who's really looking forward to the event. However, I'm not really looking forward to dealing w/her mother since I like to decide who I deal with. For my sister's sake and in agreement with her, I'm maintaining civility until the wedding is over.

In part 4, I'll discuss what happens when you give an eyebrow wax to someone who's skin apparently hates her, getting your first pedicure and more interesting tales I need to purge from my system.

The Wedding Saga Part 1

So, you may have noticed I didn't get to update this week. How come?

Well, I was out of town to be a matron of honor in my sister's wedding. Yes, you read right. A Matron of Honor. The second one is a now former childhood friend I've written about in the past. I don't believe in being friends with someone who is no longer the person you knew just because you've been friends for 20 years. To me, if a friendship is no longer enhancing you or making you better as a person it's time to cut ties and move on. Any family that respects you will also do its part by not forcing you to interact with the person or taking their side over yours in conflicts.

More on that in another installment, though. This is part one of the wedding saga. I call it a "saga" since that's what a formal wedding is. This one was no exception.

We drove 12 hours from NYC to NC. I love road trips since you get to know people very well on them.

I now realize that there's no way in Hell I'd ever be able to do a formal wedding unless I hired models to be my attendants. Here's why:

1. Models look great in everything. You don't have to worry about dress styles or colors if you select your models carefully. See last year's post on the great dress dispute for this. No one has to lose weight, wear lifts, etc. Your pics will also look fabulous.

2. You're paying for their time. No worries about resentful friends and family or people flaking out & being forced to tolerate their shit until the big day! Pay anyone enough money & they'll do right by you. Also helps if you aren't a total prick but generally, money will make one far more cooperative.

If there were a business of this, I think actors & actresses might like the side income. I'm not aware of one so enlighten me if there is such a thing in NYC.

3. You can hire as many people you want and keep the number of bridesmaids and groomsmen even. Therefore, those with few friends or whose friends are flakes can even out the ranks if one side has a ton of people and refuses to cut the numbers.

4. The groomsmen will be happy with the eye candy. Those hired women might also find more work as wingwomen or "dates" to get obnoxious family members off some poor guy's back. Consider the film She's Out of My League or in the case of men, Babycakes. Maybe gay people could use those services as well.

5. If you deal with an agency, you can get a replacement if someone gives you lip, refuses to do their share or otherwise is a problem. My sister put up with a lot of shit I would never have stood for. I'd have said "Fuck it, we're eloping!" by the time all was said & done since people generally annoy or piss me off enough to permit it.

Honestly, though I think decent money would motivate people to behave themselves and not get replaced.

So, that being said we go to the first event of this saga: the bachelorette party. This one was actually fun but only myself, the bride & a bridesmaid who was doing the bulk of matron of honor duties along with her mother were present. Grievances concerning the local matron of honor were plentiful & you'll get to read about them soon, I promise.

Anyhow, we went to a venue I'd not been to and it was playing a style of music that is definitely not my thing (country). Yes, I'm from NC but never cared for country. Nor did I ever have a Southern accent. This should provide some clues as to why I don't still live in the South. I wanted so badly to go to this 80's club in Charlotte and am still upset that I didn't get to go. My husband agreed to sign a contract that the next time we are in that area, we're going to that club come Hell or high water. But, I digress.

Despite the music not being my thing, I had a decent time. Even got on the mechanical bull since I'm a theatrical person by nature. A lot of firsts on this trip. The lead singer of the band even came up later & hugged my sister (who was decked out in her bride to be attire). Didn't have to fend off guys either. I usually have to, especially if I'm alone. You won't see me smile much if I'm out alone since I don't like guys even thinking I'm interested when I'm not. Going out where I don't have to be pestered about that is a great thing for me. If I can be seen as a fun person to talk to without the element of sex while I can still dress as great as I want, I'm a happy camper.

Another thing I think would be truly interesting: a wedding soundtrack of Prince songs (up to mid-90s or so). A lot of songs from Purple Rain would be the least appropriate wedding songs on Earth but you could put in "The Most Beautiful Girl in the World" for the bride coming down the aisle.

I'm not enough of a Prince fan to do it myself but I'd want to go to that wedding since I love a couple that doesn't take itself too seriously + shares my appreciation for the non-traditional. Bonus points if they use "Darling Nikki" or "Sex Shooter" by Apollonia 6, two totally unchaste songs. I'd be all for it, especially if I had to wear high heels. In case you can't tell, I did see Purple Rain not long before leaving for this wedding.

My dress had a very long hem so I had 4 inch silver heels. Really nice, though along with my super cute updo. I walked with confidence and awesomeness despite all the bullshit I had to deal with beforehand, including attempted copying of my hair by the other matron of honor.

I'm going to wear that style for future events when I have $ and know of a good hair place that will earn their rate for doing it. Me not having my hair down is truly unusual. I even took pics of it as a souvenir since who knows when it will happen again & I certainly can't do it myself.

Pics on some of this will be forthcoming, though none of the wedding since that's a personal thing. Fight totals will be posted in the second installment since it was shockingly shorter than I thought it would be.