Long Overdue Life Updates

A lot has happened since my last post.

I got to go on my first ever trip outside the United States. That was huge, lots of fun and something I definitely want to do again but want to be more proficient in the language first; I went to Paris so got my first passport stamp in my passport. I got that lifetime subscription to Babble so I could try learning some of the languages they have on there. Sadly, I haven't tried doing that yet but it's on my list of things to do. So is more travel and I do have friends who live in different places I could visit and some who've traveled around the world I can consult with on travel tips.

I also got a new job in an area of law that I learned you could do elsewhere so long as you have a state license SOMEWHERE. So if I ended up leaving NYC, it looks like I could work in a firm that does immigration law as long as I kept at least one of my law licenses. You have to remember that I don't support illegal immigration but if someone's already here and is trying to become legal, that's an impluse I think should be encouraged. If someone's trying to do right and asks for your help, I think you should try to help them in that goal so long as you're not breaking the law or legal ethics rules. However, that's a job I don't feel will last long term. Not because of the work itself, my immediate boss or the support staff (I have no technical colleagues since it's a very small office) but because of the owner. I don't play disrespect towards me, period. If I didn't tolerate something as a 15/16 year old working at JcPenney, I'm not about to stand for it with 2 law licenses and a JD behind me. That's a simple fact. The upside is learning a new area of law and that there is room for creativity and personality in a law firm litigation job. I didn't believe there was any. I still want to make a living in entertainment law or doing in-house work but since I'm learning the paperwork part of litigation, I could end up having more options than I did in the past.

Then, my boyfriend decided to break up with me but it's just like a Woody Allen movie at this point without any teenagers or near teenagers involved in romantic entanglements. I'd never take up with someone that young since I have a nephew who just turned 18. I've always had a minimum of "the legal drinking age" post-divorce (in the US, 21) but since my last birthday, I feel like it's pathetic to pursue 20 something guys. I also don't want to be some sugar mommy or feel like someone's mom. Probably too many generational differences. Plus the guy I was dating is much closer to my age and generation. That breakup has just been puzzling and confusing but I've been pondering things. I've had more time for "me" things (like finding a yoga studio much closer to my apartment than the one I used to go to that closed in the pandemic), though freakouts over the latest variant might fuck me up (my spheres tend to get way more paranoid and dramatic about it than his do). He's been at my apartment more since dumping me right before Thanksgiving than he'd been in 7 months of dating.

It's not been a normal breakup since in a normal breakup, I cut off the guy completely. He's literally X-ed out. An ex can't get into my life again without making effort past me blocking any point of communication he'd previously used. I don't pick up calls from unknown numbers, won't deal with anything with that guy's name, deal with any of his buddies, that sort of thing. I saw these hearts in a booth at Grand Central years back that I still wish I'd at least seen what they cost apiece since if you fashioned one with a layer of thick ice, concrete and barbed wire (not necessarily in that order) you'd have a visual of how guarded I keep my heart. If you'd dealt with lots of people letting you down over the course of decades and had the upbringing I had, you'd also be guarded.

This guy still wants to be in my life and talk to me. He claims that he didn't break up because he lost romantic interest or hated my cooking; part of me still wonders if I'm going to have to see him with some other girl all over him like we were in our dating life. That would be a definite "leave me alone & you might not ever be around me again" thing. I also never stay friends with exes or deal with them. I didn't do that with my ex-husband. 7 years later, I don't see myself ever doing that if I saw him. He did major shit to hurt me; I'm not sure if anyone else could inflict as much psychic damage as he did. I like to pretend exes don't exist. Sorry, I'm not that mature or evolved.

The main reason I've let this guy hang around is because it wasn't an angry breakup like every single other breakup I've ever had. He didn't lie to me about some fundamental aspect of the relationship, he didn't just wake up and tell me he was no longer interested and he was being nice. I've had to take care of myself in life, especially after I lost some contact and support in my life. It's like "fuck you, I'll still get shit done even though you just made things harder." He's also still talked to me on his own volition after the business of retriveving my stuff from his place was done. It's more akin to my marriage than all my other relationships were. I'd told him I won't bother with some guy who's thinking "I broke up with her right before Thanksgiving and she still wants to talk to me. Look how pathetic she is." There's also been a lot more closeness in many ways than he told me he had with other friends and he told me this isn't how his other breakups ended so I don't feel like "this is just some routine he gives to everyone." Apparently him giving me a key so early also wasn't something he did with all the girls so knowing that makes me feel like I matter, that I'm special to him. He mostly said he wants to stay around because he likes me as a person, feels I have potential but will never reach it if I'm not around generous people (of which he's one). Friends have said he's the only guy I've ever dated who wasn't a loser or an asshole. That feels like a very sad commentary on my life; what's even worse is this guy has treated me better in a lot of ways than my ex-husband, the man who married me and took vows with me, ever did.

But I guess you could look at that and say "yes, the breakup was sad but it means the commentary can change." He assures me there are other guys like him in the world with regard to personality. I'm definitely skeptical of such guys existing in NYC though you can find conservatives and guys who don't want to be players in their 50s and 60s+. My question is do any of them have a comparable education and life perspective to me or are they the type to say to me "you use big words" (I've literally had guys in NC say that to me).

In recent weeks I've definitely seen things I can point to and tell this guy "here's how you aren't perfect." He told me a rather illuminating story that made me even more empathetic to his ex than I already was (since I know what it's like to be ambushed and have the man you love leave you). I heard this, thought "I 100% get why she feels as she does" and told him if he'd done that to me I'd have said "I hope that chick has space because you're not staying in my home." I'd have been civil for kids but civility would have been all my ex would have gotten from me; I'd never take him back and sure wouldn't approach him even if I felt my absolute lowest or loneliest. I'd simply get a sex doll and make sure I had a cat for cuddling and affection needs; cats are good for that, at least ones I've been around. Most cats like me.

Cats are also easier since they are very transparent about where you stand with them. They don't pretend to like you and aren't nearly as needy as dogs apparently are. If a cat wants to sit in your lap or get head scratches and you're not the one who feeds him/her, that's genuine fondness. Plus they kill mice and bugs. I can't hate a species that does that and just looks darn cute. I actually missed the ones I had when I was married more than my ex-husband. My roommate's cat has also been very comforting but unfortunately, he's not mine and isn't well cared for by his humans. I've vowed to get a brush for his fur so at least his tail and back will be smooth and fluffy again. He's the Harry of this place (reference to my mom's cat Harry who's a massive love bug but isn't the cat who's so good with vermin killing); if I knew he'd be around New Year's Eve he could be my furry New Year's date but no guarantee there.

Not looking forward to New Year's. I can't stay in NC longer because of my job (though that means money) and I no longer have a boyfriend (the reason I wouldn't stay in NC longer pre-pandemic since court appearances almost never happened between Christmas and New Year's; at least the one year the guy I was seeing had moved away, I was moving into a new place and got to be in a fashion show on New Year's Eve). I don't even have a familiar I could hang out with though maybe I could hang out with a friend who says she'll be around. That's it's own drama, however. At least on Valentine's Day, I have a dedicated single person's ritual. Not a clue what I could do for New Year's that's not spending a crap ton of money on a party. I don't even have some new experience I could do like going to the Times Square ball drop.

One good thing I've noticed is that talking to that friend has given me perspective on my own life troubles. My stuff is much easier than hers. Perspective on your own troubles is impotant; knowing others have survived worse or are going through worse takes you out of feeling sorry for yourself, which is important if you want to cultivate better in your life. Plenty of sources will verify this including guides on manifestation and creating abundance.

Working Undercover, Romantic Notions & School Bashing

So my temp job is going to be ending pretty soon (Tuesday, I'm pretty sure). I've been DYING to write about that experience but figured I couldn't do it until I finished. Some great insight & comedy have come out of it.

You may wonder why I've not just worked in some law firm or something instead of taking jobs that aren't really "lawyer" style jobs. Here's why?

1. Reduced stress. Legal jobs are so stressful, it's insane. I've had to go through my paperwork for legal matters with ex-clients and just doing that has been enough for me. If I ever did litigation, I wouldn't do it on my own. I would insist on doing it with some law firm or team of lawyers. If you don't want to take work home with you, being in a lawyer job is not the way to go.

2. Inspiration for writing/new experiences. Face it, you can get much more of this doing different types of jobs and not just the same one day in & day out. I also use this to justify trying new things I have an interest in.

3. Romantic notions of working as an "undercover boss." Lawyers are perceived by society very differently than the average phone interviewer/marketer. I can mention being a lawyer in some situations and it scares the hell out of folk. However, if you knew about my antics back in the day you wouldn't be shocked at all.

You have to watch out for romantic notions, though. Sometimes what you think is cool & interesting doesn't always turn out that way. Case in point: the manner in which I met Psycho Boy. I know you haven't heard this one.

I met Psycho Boy when he was working at a grocery store we frequented. As usual, my sister was begging for food my mom couldn't afford. I was always trying to talk my mom out of giving in to her & my dad, who were notorious for begging for wants. I got even better at this after being in college & asking family members how they thought I got things if I couldn't afford them. I said I had to put them back since my looks weren't getting me the extra groceries. Though I guess considering I got that free Blockbuster rental once & it had to have been my looks since what other reason was there for it, maybe I should have tried it sometime.

One thing I'd often do at the grocery store was check out guys. Yeah, I'm not ashamed to say that. This was the first summer I was coming back to my hometown & not being perceived as "the ugly girl." I had been doing new things & getting male attention in college. Plus, you need something to do in that town.

As we're shopping, my mom notices that this guy is following us. Seems like every time we're on a particular aisle, there is this guy. He even got up the nerve to say "Howdy" to me at one point. After this, my sister speculates that he's interested in me & claims he's probably still in high school (as most guys working in grocery stores tend to be). This prompts me to say that I'd rather not be in jail like Mary Kay Letourneau (I was 19 at the time).

So anyway, after I find out he's legal I get his phone number. As a form of revenge, I figured he'd given me a fake phone number.

A few weeks later, he approaches my sister at the store & asks why I haven't called him. She mentioned the phone number & that time, he gave her his real number. I told him about this phone number thing & he said he avoided looking at me as revenge then denied giving me a fake number. I found it hard to believe that I could make any guy nervous enough to mangle his own telephone number, especially after I'd just started being perceived as legitimately pretty by the opposite sex vs. "playing around" flirt guy kind of ribbing.

Could I? I guess it depends on who you ask. People who've seen guys react to me after I put in no effort at all would probably look at you like you were an idiot for even asking that question. I'm still mystified by that sort of thing but now I'm more used to it.

However, I think I mentioned what ended up happening with that whole relationship. That experience really confirmed the phrase "be careful what you wish for." It's still spooky that my husband has an ex who'd have been this guy's perfect match from what I hear about her.

I saw the recent trend on Facebook about "You know you did XYZ if..." A friend of mine commented on that regarding the high school we attended & I saw others comments about this notoriously difficult English teacher. I felt obliged to write a little about my exploits in light of discussion on a computer science class I got out of in a special way.

I was in my senior year & already had most of my credits to graduate. I was in the class one day & felt there was no way I could do it. To avoid early graduation or utter boredom, I was taking 2 AP level classes. One was English since I felt if I was going to have a hard English class, I may as well get AP credit for it. Better experience since I got to meet people from other high schools that hadn't marked me as "that ugly girl" or "our victim."

Now typically, they wouldn't let you wait on required classes & I needed a Math credit that this class would have given me. However, I had the option to take Pre-Calculus the next semester & actually was saved when the head librarian at my school offered me a page position.

I was commenting that something like that probably happened to me since I'd taken on this asshole gym teacher who was grading on one's athletic abilities (which I have none), being sexist in the grading AND I hadn't even signed up for the class + tried 3 different times to get out of it for something else. I wasn't able to take Dance that semester because I was taking Honors Seminar, the AP level English/Social Studies class for freshmen & sophomores. Plus, I was certain the D I got in that class would keep me from being in National Honor Society. Learning all this created the basis for my petition, which was signed by a lot of people. My parents weren't happy with that either & sided with me against this teacher.

See, unlike some people I grew up not having blind obedience to someone because of their status as an adult. We saw plenty of adults who weren't worthy of respect & even my mother said respect has to be earned, not given as a matter of course. There were teachers at our school she didn't have any respect for since she felt they weren't earning it. She even wondered how they expected to get respect from students since it's not a divine right.

If you follow blind obedience of authority to a dramatic degree, you could end up a victim of sex abuse at worst (there were a few abusers living in my own neighborhood that I learned about later on) and at best end up blindly obeying stupid & pointless rules that exist for no good reason other than to please the little Hitlers. Part of this undoubtedly comes from my own experiences with an alcoholic parent, an adult I didn't respect because of behavior and actions. Heck, this guy stole my allowance as a child! Allowance I saved on my own for my own purposes. I think if you were me, you'd also not be willing to listen to arbitrary asshole types. Those people still piss me off so I make effort not to be that way.

As I recalled that story, I realized I was a smart kid & a rebel all at once. I even said they should rename my school to "Parkland Prison" and would publicly criticize the school when I had a chance & truly saw some BS. When I was in the Miss Parkland pageant my senior year, I gave as my answer to the question "What is the most prevalent issue facing the school?" that administrators were too busy worrying about little things like whether the snack machines were on during break time when there were bigger problems to deal with like the presence of drugs on campus. The entire audience loudly applauds after this answer & it was indeed true.

I figured that if I wasn't going to be liked or have any kind of group accept me, I was going to at least be respected & speak my mind. By senior year, I really felt I should seize the day & was ready to start my new life elsewhere. Reading about high schools today & how they act more like corporations than institutes of learning (case in point being the story about the black female valedictorian who was given a "co" slot with a lower ranked white female), I have to figure I had nothing negative about me to justify nastiness toward me. In fact, I'd have likely been more sympathetic than most people with my family life & flawless records. I was not the kid who disturbed class or got into trouble. I also rarely spoke so I guess when I did, people were more apt to listen.

For the record, if someone earns the valedictorian position honestly (no cheating or weighted GPA crap) you give them that slot. I don't care if the person sold drugs, killed people, whatever. If they did something that puts them away from being the All-American kid, guess what? That speech will have far more meaning & the person's more of a role model for their peers. That's a living symbol of "If I could overcome my own struggles to do this, you've got no excuse not to be successful." I'd give much more cred to that person than the All-American kid & I think they'd write a much better speech with more meaning, honesty and sincerity. Punishing someone for that after they earned a valedictorian slot just teaches that person that the system is shit & the establishment shouldn't be trusted. Welcome to a recipe for disaster.

Now I have to fast for 10 hours for a medical exam for life insurance. This will be loads of fun (sarcasm). I also tend to get nauseous if I don't eat after a while & aren't doing something very distracting.

Getting Back to Normal, Utter Irony & Freebies

Well, seems I'm getting closer to a new day job. Hopefully, it will finally be the elusive day job that will pay me a fair wage, allow me to do new things & not demand me to give up my entertainment work. In fact, I think my entertainment work is actually an asset to this one! Guess it helps when you can talk to people about their business; not to mention how many people are eager to talk to you in my industry if you're an attorney.

So now it seems I've gotten new Twitter followers (one of whom is apparently one of those "evil" private law firm partners) & someone I actually respect got a law firm partnership.

Now, again my utter incredulity at those events takes over. Nearly everything I read & hear about concerning private law firms is that there's no humanity among partners + to become one, you'd better be ready to scrawl the word "Slave" on your cheek while acting precisely like one. Not to mention that if you put in 110%, you'll only be rewarded by getting laid off. It seems my spouse's employer acts in much the same way but you have to deal with even scuzzier people on a daily basis (they're better known as the general public).

I completely wonder how I, an anti-lawyer who is so strong willed, could possibly engage or influence anyone who follows a point of view that might as well be Chinese to me. I know for a fact no law firm would ever hire me unless it was as some insignificant, since nothing I could bring to the table would be valued in that environment.

Can anyone else figure that out?

So I did decide to finally listen to a friend who said I could create a stand up routine w/all my ex stories. Actually, I'm going in the direction of a "one woman show" since I have a venue planned & can definitely talk within the time limit.

The reason I chose to do this is because I didn't want to just be part of the chorus in a bar association performance this year. It's not worth my time to do that since I'm not getting anything else to do where I'm noticeable on stage, I'd have to pay to participate b/c of travel costs & I could do PAYING extra work in that time.

Not to mention that I'll likely be busy attending night events for my day job so I may not even be able to go in the first place.

This open mic attempt will at least be something I can do by myself & if I've paid for travel, I'll at least get to be onstage by myself, create my own act & call my own shots (you'll probably learn things about me & my life that aren't covered in this blog). Considering I have other performance opportunities and actually work in the industry, it's a regression for me to do that when last year I DID have some acting time by myself & proved I could do it well. I don't think I'm being a diva when I want to do more than just be in the chorus. I just see no net gain to me doing the stage equivalent of extra work + paying for the privilege to do so.

One major downside to working as a professional performer is that you view stage performance gigs in a business lens before you ever view them as "fun." If you think about this, a professional can't just perform "for fun."

First off, your resume is dependent on what you do. If you spend all your time doing free work, the world will expect you to do it forever. You're not going to get professional, paying opportunities if you're doing it for free.

Second, things like the bar association or groups that aren't made up of professional filmmakers or other industry types aren't usually going to help you. Industry pros could give you future work or help you later on. Unless some powerful patrons who scout for industry work attend events run by non-industry pros (which only seems to happen on TV), you're not going to get future, professional work. You can be a bar association star but that doesn't mean you'll ever get to Hollywood.

Consider a classmate of mine who was a high school star but is now an actor cliche. I had to cut this person out of my life b/c of the whining about not being famous with no tangible action on this person's part to improve the situation. Yeah, working w/non-professionals was REAL helpful there.

Third, if you are in this business long enough you'll reach a point where it's not worth your time or beneficial to take certain types of roles. I saw one ad looking for a role that would fit me perfectly but there's no way I'd do it for NO PAY when I'd get at least deferred pay elsewhere.

I was very respectful about the fact that I don't offer legal services or acting services for free unless it's for friends & the person who responded was very gracious about it. She acknowledged that everyone gets to a point in his/her career when non-paid work is no longer acceptable & I had no reason to feel bad about laying down those terms.

After that, I thought about it & believe she was probably right. I've done a lot of free performances & it's not like I've lost my touch. Unless there's going to be some meaningful contribution unique to my personally doing something, only industry friends will get freebies. Otherwise, I'm only doing free work that I get full control over.

Oh, and the Your Turn to Rant contest expires Monday. Feel free to send in those rants; go to the entry entitled "Your Turn to Rant" for details.

Extra Gig #2: Driving Through Brooklyn, Freezing My Butt Off & Another Nail in the Ugly Girl Coffin

While still waiting to hear about the job opportunity (as of this moment, I STILL haven't heard anything though as of yesterday they are still interested in talking to me & my calls have been returned when I wasn't around), I saw an extra gig seeking "attractive news reporters w/cars." Since my car was not one of the undesired colors or styles, I decided to submit myself for the sake of having something to do as well as getting exercise for my car.

* When the car battery dies if you don't run it for 2 days, you tend to get concerned about making sure it gets some movement. *

So, I get selected for this role. It requires me to drive 15 minutes from home into an area of Brooklyn that's fairly decent. This time, the show was Law & Order: SVU. If you see me there, again I'll be shocked. I haven't watched that one either, so this will be another instance where someone else tells me if I'm on there. Again, I was the only redhead & no one even came close to looking like me. There were also fewer people this time.

I would really like to find people living in my city who look enough like me to really pass for me (being a natural redhead w/my shade is a prime requirement); they would likely have the same problems I've had & might also like the idea of fooling folk by switching places.

In middle school, there was a redhead who wore her hair straight while I wore mine curly & longer. Her name also started w/an "M" and people were always mixing me up with her. This mistaken identity issue even came up years later when I was at the Senior Class Picnic & the DJ claimed I'd dated a guy that she dated. The guy was merely a friend of mine in middle school; seems he came out after high school but there was talk of him being gay in high school. I was like "That was the other girl, not me!" I'm sure there are still some things people will swear I did b/c rumors about me were so pervasive despite my trying to debunk them, I just played along after a while. Yes, I DID go w/that guy in middle school who never said a word to me & was popular while I was being harassed by the gossipy bitch girls!

If my middle school/high school life had been Hollywood, I was definitely a tabloid celebrity. I had to deal w/most of the same people so I didn't really get much of a chance at reinvention.

So, here's how experience #2 went (no episode secrets will be revealed):

A) When I went to the parking area before my call time, there was NO parking + I could not get to the street I needed to be on. I called up Central Casting to tell them about this. They alerted the powers that be. Eventually I did get to a spot & made it inside, though a little late.

I did apologize for my lateness & apparently many people had that particular problem. The on-set reps handling check-ins were very understanding. More examples of the professionalism I like to see.

B) I saw yet another actor from the whole previous TV network scam. Not just any actor, though. This was the infamous one who irritated people & pissed them off. Apparently, this individual also ticked off someone I know from another sphere.

I'll give this individual a few things though: I won't hear about this person sleeping w/anyone to get to the top or putting more importance on background work than needed. This person also took my advice & got an entertainment lawyer to help her. I do have slightly more respect for her than I did previously.

Why do I keep seeing people who know me from that on these gigs? Killing my whole mission here.

C) I decide to bring in my heels that I normally wear w/business suits, closed toe & very corporate looking.

Unfortunately, the front of my feet were only separated from the windy, cold weather in shooting with pantyhose (you'd have seen my tights). I was outside a good chunk of time & had to run for my role. My feet became blocks of ice, I had no hat or gloves due to wardrobe's instructions & I wasn't sure if I could sprint in those shoes w/cold feet.

However, when it was time to go I did rise to the occasion. I made it where I needed to & did damn good for my feet being ice blocks. Guess those days of wearing heeled shoes all the time in high school came back to me.

One of the fellow background actors was shocked I actually did it. Hey, I work behind the scenes & believe in doing unto others. Call it an endurance test.

This is nothing compared to what the lead actress had to do. Apparently, she had to be on a cold car hood in much less clothing for her scene. I, at least, had a coat & scarf + was wearing pants.

D) Our holding area was in a very cold warehouse. Everyone was bundled up while waiting. Taking your gloves off wasn't smart in that setting.

Near the end of the day when I was on a higher floor to make phone calls (as I had no cell reception in the holding area & the bathroom did have reception), I was telling a crew person that they are much better people than me for working in these cold conditions. They are, in fact.

E) My car came in for pictures that may appear in the program. You'd see me on my cell phone + my coat open at the wardrobe person's instruction. I followed my direction very well & as I was leaving to go back, I was picked up then told to wait somewhere else in the scene. Eventually, we were not used & I got to go back inside.

I made it back home a little after 10 & did manage to find parking in my limited parking neighborhood.

Now for the takeaway lessons (as I feel maybe once I've done about 4-5 & ideally on different sets/situations, I'll be done w/the learning & observations).

1. There are extra roles I will not consider or take. Some examples are:

* Prostitute, escort, stripper, other "adult" type parts. I don't want to have to explain that sort of thing to attorneys from the bar associations I belong to, investors & anyone else I have to interact with on a business basis. Let's not even talk about explaining that to my 7 year old nephew or my parents, in-laws, etc.
* Rape or slasher movie victim w/out some lines. Again, don't want to have to explain that one.
* "Ugly" roles. Let's fact it: Central Casting or whomever is responsible for background on these 2 shows has spoken otherwise as to my looks. I probably do look like the TV version of particular things but I don't think I can convince anyone I can play "ugly."
* Anything involving nudity, kissing others (male, female or anywhere in between), sex scenes, etc. Being happily married & business credibility cover those reasons nicely.

Let's add exterior shots to that list if I'm not wearing temperature appropriate clothing. I don't really have to do background work so there's no need for me to do stuff like that. Once is enough.

2. I can drive through Brooklyn just fine. I drove though some convoluted parts & if I've got GPS or good directions, I'm just fine. I hadn't done it before & wasn't sure I could but seems all that driving in downtown Atlanta came in handy.

3. My artistic dedication tends to lead to me shooting myself in the foot. That whole perfectionist streak has trumped my personal comfort more than once. People need to watch me on that & reign it in if necessary.

4. I'm never going to be a full time actor. I do not have the dedication you need for it & my limits aren't going to change anytime soon. Those actors wearing bikinis in freezing cold weather are far better people than I am. You deserve respect for that & if you work w/me, I'll be making sure you get it as long as you don't piss me off.

I'm also never going to have representation, one of the hallmarks of a full time actor. Why not, you ask? It's hard to get it anyway but most people aren't professional advocates working in the industry like I am. I don't have the experience for higher ups to consider me & I don't think the lower rung people are going to be any better at it than me.

To me, getting some lower rung agent is like having someone w/a lower class grade than me do my homework. If I'm making an A in Geometry, why would I let someone who's making a C do my Geometry homework for me (presuming I'm not trying to sabotage myself)? That's just stupid. You'd have to convince me you were at least as good as me & I don't see that happening.

To me, it makes that representation search a total waste of time. I can just ask a trustworthy attorney friend to be a go-between instead of gambling on a total stranger.

Since actors need that stuff & I have limits, I don't think I'll ever be doing it full time unless I got to say "No" to things.

Think I'm wrong about representation as it pertains to me personally? Convince me why I should deal w/some lower rung person who doesn't have more knowledge than me, won't work as hard as me & doesn't have anything that I don't. Remember that I interned w/a very established talent agent in the past so I know the score here.

* Oh, and I did make an A in Geometry; I was one of only a few people taking it as a 9th grader & even had a few seniors in my class. My academic record was a main reason I never cheated; who would I get to cheat for me & do better than I could? No one.

If I get this other job clenched, I'll have even more reason not to consider some lower rung agent since I'll be making more industry contacts.

5. Never let an attorney get frostbitten or injured. The job market for the field is in the gutter, I'd sue & I've got six figure loan debt to repay. I can be creative & come up with a high damages figure.

This goes for any attorney, not just me. Some are 1,000 times worse in this kind of thing & do not have souls or a conscience.

Right now, I'm sick as a dog since I caught my husband's illness. Still had to go outside today, which sucked but at least I got my mailing done & the car started. Back to soothing a sore throat.

Seems Life Works in Mysterious Ways

So my recent history w/trying to find & keep a paying job in the legal field has been downright horrid at best. I've pretty much gotten comfortable with working on my creative stuff, preparing for my singing debut next Friday (see my FB if you're friends w/me; if not, send a friend request) & helping out in my ventures regardless of pay rate.

I'd actually just spoken to some of my entertainment colleagues when the phone rings. It turned out to be a recruiter from a staffing agency that saw my resume on HotJobs.com & liked what it said about my unconventional experience. Apparently, there might just be a job out there for someone w/unconventional experience like mine. For once, having a JD was helpful! After being told I would indeed get paid i.e. not be working on deferred compensation or downright lied to about getting a salary, I thought I'd at least come in for an interview.

I went in and I suppose my having a personality didn't harm me at this point b/c she said she'd pass on my resume to her client. However, if this client gave me an interview & actually took me seriously (forget hiring me) I'd be shocked. How come?

A) I hear this is a major law firm. I'm the antithesis of the BigLaw associate stereotype.

B) I hear it's a corporate atmosphere. For my views, it's code for "become a conformist." I really can't pretend not to have one & while I don't discuss work stuff here, I just can't censor a blog that exists as my personal rant platform. In my own experience as management/supervisor, I don't want to pick people who have no personality at all & whose pages are the same as everyone else's.

C) Law firms tend to be against anyone having an outside life. I will not give up my entertainment stuff or my creative endeavors. Disclaimers on my stuff? Sure. Not discussing confidential matters? No problem. Not pestering your clients? You don't even have to ask considering I work in entertainment & there's a code against that kind of thing. I never ask for favors since I think it's rude to use people in that way.

Giving up my endeavors? Not on your life! That's a deal-breaker. You have to look out for yourself first & foremost. I'd also have to be stupid to give up viable entertainment opportunities considering not everyone gets those.

The job itself sounds really interesting & I think it would be something I could do well, even enjoy. I'm just not sure there's room for my personality. You're not going to convince me that it's a wise use of time to scrutinize private social networking pages or that such things aren't used to engage in unlawful discrimination against people. Telling me to be what I'm not is like stabbing me in the chest with a knife.

I'm also still going to feel as I do about job interviews but I think I do better when I don't try to impress anyone & just be who I am whether you like it or not. I really think we need a new system and I say that from having been on both sides of the table. Sorority recruitment week is much the same thing; you think you're learning things about people but you don't find out about the important stuff until you let these girls into your chapter & spend time with them during your own events. I remember that after the first time we went through it, I wished I'd had some more meaningful questions to ask & gotten some better insight into our recruitment participants.

If by some miracle, I actually got serious consideration or even got this job I would die of shock + be forced to re-evaluate my perception of big business. Do I think it will happen? No, but I do thank that recruiter for speaking to me & not making me feel like my background is inferior or deficient because it's not like everyone else's. That is a welcome change.

Life Update & Rant All in One

Remember that day job I was talking about before? Well, this time it looks like I have a legit offer where I will get paid to do something. I'm not the sort of person who likes to sit around doing nothing; that just drives me insane. I start on Monday & I dread having to find parking in our neighborhood in the evenings after working but at least I'll be getting that steady income, learning something useful & even getting to work as an attorney. We're also assured to get to stay in NYC regardless of what happens to the library's budget.

Not sure how often I'll be updating but I think in 2 weeks, I should be okay & able to adjust to it all. I also got another possible opportunity in the works & have creative projects to work on but that's a different story that will be explained much later.

Now, I have a major rant that I realized I haven't done. There's a media portrayal of women I absolutely have a fucking pet peeve toward: women who put up with total BS from some popular or handsome guy while being nice to the nerd. I saw the new MTV show The Hard Times of R.J. Berger & the character of Jenny is completely sexist to women. How come?

See the second episode, where R.J. runs for student council president. Jenny's going to her boyfriend, the current president & asking for money for the Drama Club. He says to her "You know I love you & would do anything for you. Request denied." Not to mention this guy is being a douche bag at every turn & not just to the lead character, "the nerd" of the show.

I'd have NEVER taken that shit in high school. Come to think of it, even when I had to put up with it from smart kids due to being in classes with them I don't think I would have been motivated to put up with it from a guy. Especially one that went around making sexually inappropriate comments about me to all his friends, jock or not. If it were me & most other women, I'd simply call out the guy in front of everyone.

I've not met a single woman who's that big of a moron & would let any man she was dating insult her right to her face. If I had, you better believe I'd tell that woman to wake up & get a clue. Stop making the rest of us look like brain-dead little flunkies who should have mattresses strapped to our backs & Welcome written on our foreheads b/c we think that little of ourselves.

You know who is a good portrayal of a woman? Julia Sugarbaker on Designing Women. She was classy & didn't take other people's crap but also had looks. Beauty & brains! Some women do have that, all right?

It's downright insulting & sexist to see Hollywood holding up women who act like that. I feel one of my missions as someone doing creative work & doing what I'm doing is to feature real women, strong women. Women who don't let men push them around or put having any man ahead of their children, careers, friendships or well-being. I don't consider women like that worth my time or my friendship.

I also say this as a woman who was in a sorority. There were lots of strong women in my chapter who'd never have put up with such things & would tell a sister if she wasn't standing up for herself or allowed some guy to push her around. In mine, there were lots of times when I felt like our sisterhood was all that we had so you can bet it was quite solid for the most part.

My God, don't even get me started on how sororities are treated in the media! I feel my own experience was quite helpful to me in life & probably a reason why I've gotten to do some of the things I have at such an early stage in my career & at a younger age than many people. I'm also glad antisocial me stuck with it when I felt like giving up since the idea of being in a sorority kind of violates some personal truths.

Nonetheless, I stand by my hatred of ignorant weakling women who refuse to stand up for themselves in the face of insults and assholes writing roles that reinforce that stereotype about women. I want to kick some of those people in the balls very hard since I'm pretty sure most women don't have that kind of self-loathing for their gender.

The Problem Of Being Too Competent

Sometimes, I think I suffer from being too competent. People have far too much faith in my abilities to come out on top or think that I never need any kind of help on anything that I'm sure eventually, it's just going to lead to the mental breakdown to end all mental breakdowns if things fall apart.

It's almost a backhanded compliment in a way: gee, thanks for your faith in me. I'll still be sitting in this shit condition, though. Unless you're actually HELPING in some way, you haven't provided me any reassurance. It's like telling me I have nice shoes & not offering me a Band Aid or a place to sit when I tell you those shoes are killing my feet & I ask for help.

One thought I've had that maybe some of you can relate to: I want a day job that doesn't require excessive stress, lots of after hours work & lets me leave it there. I noticed while I was in law school that those jobs tend to be in the lower ranks & you have to deal with a different set of problems. Upside, though is low expectations. No one expects you to be perfect or super-competent.

In my business or with people I know aren't going to take advantage, it's another story. I can be ambitious there & have it pay off. No one's going to toss me aside like garbage or just let me drift along to become society's major problem. I say I'd be society's problem b/c I come from a family of fighters; I won't be going down without taking some others with me. I'd also be forming an army to deal with the utter BS I see around me.

At this point, I've completely checked out on the idea of getting a paying day job. I think I'm only looking at Craig's List to find funny ads or stupidity I can call out on this blog. After all, seems I'm getting a bit of a following even in fun & exotic locals I've never been to. I already have prospects w/people who aren't going to treat me like trash & know how I operate. I don't have to play games with them or have things like competence or being myself operate against me.

I've given it the old Girl Scout try & have far more going for me than plenty of other people. As long as you don't delay the inevitable or let the system take you down without a fight, there's no reason to let those bastards win.

I ought to work on my writing anyway. I also need to figure out how to create samples of myself singing & do YouTube videos of rants at the suggestion of the same person who said I should have this blog. First thing is a mic, a laptop & learning how to do videos.