What the Holy Fuck?!?!? Craig's List Ads, Part 6

Still have more posts in me but this just has to be done. For one, thing it seems many people seeking workers are total idiots. Read these & tell me what you think:

assistant (SoHo)

Date: 2012-12-20, 11:23PM EST
fw5d5-3492798365@gigs.craigslist.org[?]

Part time assistant.
Education not important and is not necessary.
Importance in order On Time , Patience ,No cursing
Always need to look sharp and fashionable.
Cleanliness and manicured look is priority.
I was taught good manners gets the job done
No know it alls, no talks too much, no luggage.
No i got a 101 problems. Smart attitude and smart dress code.
Please no levis and shoes with stars on them.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: 10hr
PostingID:3492798365

Oh, I just had to respond. This is what I wrote:

Do yourself & everyone else a favor: get a robot to do this job.

You sound like an insufferable pain in the butt & a jerk (see "No know it alls, no talks too much, no luggage. No i got a 101 problems. Smart attitude and smart dress code. Please no levis and shoes with stars on them."). You must be one of those people who has a God complex and thinks they're smarter than everyone else, even when you don't know ANYTHING about something like medicine, law, plumbing, etc., etc. If you can't admit that you don't know everything, no one's going to listen to you or regard you as anything more than a mental midget with a God complex.

And maybe you should explain the relevance of some of your listed requirements. You apparently can't be bothered to tell anyone WHAT industry the job is in, the exact tasks/duties involved or use proper spelling & grammar in your ad. Classiness comes from speaking like an educated person instead of some entitled prick who will always be a wannabe & never become legit.

Perhaps you should take your own advice & use some "good manners" yourself since from this ad, you come off as anything but a pleasant person who is dedicated to the art of good manners.

Who would work for this person if they didn't have low self-esteem, a raging drug addiction or small children to feed? And even then, do you really want to teach your children that it's okay for someone to treat you like this asshole probably treats his/her staff?

I also saw this gem. It was posted recently so you may have time to write your own snarky response:

Discreet, absolutely professional Executive/Personal Assistant (Midtown)
2wfd4-3578672587@job.craigslist.org

CEO's wife, and formidable woman in her own right, seeks full-time-plus assistant to help her in varied business and personal capacities. The working week will be split between the corporate office and her private office. Responsibilities include calendar, correspondence with business affiliates, booking travel, errands, and increased levels of support in all areas of her life as the relationship develops.

Requirements include: BA/BS from competitive US college; 4 years' relevant experience; an approach to assisting which puts the principal's needs foremost at all times; zero inclination to chitchat; experience with high net-worth individuals; polished appearance; high proficiency with Excel and MACs; excellent writing; demonstrated ability to maintain absolute confidentiality; ability and inclination to keep personal life absolutely separate from work. The candidate should both be supremely capable, but also not feel that smaller tasks are beneath him/her.

Mon -- Fri 9am -- 7pm plus on call when needed.
Compensation: $85K annual salary + full benefits including 401K matching.
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Posting ID: 3578672587

Did you read it carefully? Here's what I wrote in response:

This CEO's wife sounds like a lazy cunt who lives off her husband's money. What business is SHE doing? I read nothing justifying her need for an on-call "assistant." No, let me rephrase that: she's seeking a slave or maybe a robot.

Do yourself a favor & get a robot. It will certainly cost you less than $85K a year & they will work 24/7 if you maintain them properly. Plus, it's 2013; slavery has been illegal for quite some time now.

"[A]bility and inclination to keep personal life absolutely separate from work?!" "[Z]ero inclination to chitchat?!?!" You or whoever you work for sounds like a total bitch & I say this being a super bitch.

Would YOU work with someone who has zero regard for your health, well-being or general happiness at your job? Someone who treated you like a dog, as you appear hellbent on doing to this person? No?

Well, don't be fucking shocked if people tell you to go fuck yourself at your oh, so glamorous job terms. I mean, do you also require the candidate to perform oral sex when the husband isn't around, dress you, chew your food for you & wipe your behind when you go to the bathroom?

You want "an approach to assisting which puts the principal's needs foremost at all times," you're going to have to show yourself worthy of respect.

All this ad shows is that this CEO's wife is a spoiled princess with zero class, an entitlement complex & probably no legitimate skill set whatsoever. Otherwise, you'd be talking about HER business & what SHE is doing that makes being her assistant a selling point instead of this solicitation for slavery.

Signed, Someone Much Bitchier Than You Who's Got Far More Class & More Brain Cells

Yeah, a lot of people are formidable. That doesn't mean they've gotten off their butts & actually DONE anything. And newsflash: ads with terms like this make me want to see you get shot in the head & die a slow, painful death. They don't endear me to you & they don't convince me that you are a professional who returns phone calls, treats anyone with respect or has anything remotely resembling people skills.

In fact, these people make my ex-boyfriend Condo Man look like my sister, the most social of the social butterflies that you'll ever meet. Condo Man was so lacking in social skills that a friend of mine actually said "He has the social skills of a rock." If he's doing better than these people, then what could we say about their social skills?

If either of these ad writers had actually done anything of note, I'd be shocked as hell. I also hope that CEO leaves this bitch & makes her starve on the streets. If he were smart, he'd choose a mate who was actually going to HELP his career instead of a dumber Leona Helmsley. I would not tolerate someone like this; remember that I'm a super bitch.

If you haven't got a law license, naturally red hair, the distinction of being called a prep by the preppiest, snottiest people in your school (this was around 6th/7th grade if you can believe it) & an executive level job to your name, (or at least a couple of those) you're just an amateur.

Human beings do NOT = dogs. They have rage issues. They have feelings & emotions.

Don't be an asshole: that's rule #1 in the entertainment industry & generally a good practice to use in life.

Oh, it does get better though, like this ad for an "Intern Administrative Assistant:"

INTERN ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT NEEDED (QUEENS)

Date: 2013-01-14, 8:46PM EST
t72wj-3546406532@gigs.craigslist.org[?]

On call secretary needed for Modeling Agency. MUST BE PROFICIENT WITH MICROSOFT WORD, EXCEL, POWER POINT AND MOST COMPUTER FILING SOFTWARE.
Main Job Tasks and Responsibilities

answer, screen and transfer inbound phone calls
receive and direct visitors and clients
general clerical duties including photocopying, fax and mailing
maintain electronic and hard copy filing system
retrieve documents from filing system
handle requests for information and data
resolve administrative problems and inquiries
prepare written responses to routine enquiries
prepare and modify documents including correspondence, reports, drafts, memos and emails
schedule and coordinate meetings, appointments and travel arrangements for managers or supervisors
prepare agendas for meetings and prepare schedules
record, compile, transcribe and distribute minutes of meetings
open, sort and distribute incoming correspondence
maintain office supply inventories
coordinate maintenance of office equipment
coordinate and maintain records for staff, telephones, parking and petty cash

Location: QUEENS
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

PostingID:3546406532

This wasn't an ad that required much but the first sentence was my exact though after reading this:

Just screw yourself. This is not a job requiring an "internship" to be good at it. No one needs professional training for it. Pay a fair wage for a professional or get the hell out of this section. No one gives a damn about your lack of funds & slapping "intern" on the title doesn't make you less of a lawbreaker.

Again, go screw yourself.

Whoever runs this modeling agency is completely stupid. I hope they end up in jail or sued out of business. Crap like this doesn't need to be around when there are plenty of legitimate people who'd probably be much better at it & don't have the financing for office space or hours to loaf away creating bullshit ads like this one.

The lawyers & law firms are also still involved in asking for illegal internships. Consider this I saw for a "paralegal intern:"

Paralegal wanted (Yonkers)

Date: 2013-01-14, 9:48PM EST
4n8qp-3546522296@gigs.craigslist.org[?]

Paralegal intern wanted: our small firm in Yonkers, NY is looking for a capable paralegal who wants to gain some real world experience. You will be assisting in cases from start to finish. Your responsibilities will include: legal research, preparing a summons & complaint, crafting causes of action, filing, interacting with the court system, participating in depositions, and assisting in court. Please send in your resume' and cover letter.

Location: Yonkers
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

PostingID:3546522296

The deception in the heading vs. the text also really made me mad. You can't slap the word "intern" and have it magically be legal to ask for free labor. Plus, when law firms & lawyers do it that diminishes me & every single attorney practicing in this state, this country and everywhere else. This was my response:

Funny, but this isn't a job where one needs to "intern" to do it. I'm a lawyer so I most certainly know this for a fact. If you can't afford to pay a living wage to a professional, stop wasting everyone's time looking for a freebie.

Maybe someone should investigate you for ethics violations considering this is likely illegal under state & federal ethics laws. You're not even paying for people's travel. In reality, you're charging people to work for YOU.

You should be ashamed & actually read up on the labor laws. Lastly, get bent!

Yes, lawyers have ethics rules they are supposed to be following. Jumping on the illegal internship bandwagon is one thing I would love to see the state bar snatch licenses for. If lawyers are doing it, how can the average person expect any better from any other employer? Aren't we supposed to be "role models," "upstanding citizens," and all that good stuff?

I would certainly never expect someone to do professional level work & not pay them or at least cover their travel costs to come to MY office & do MY work for MY benefit.

This ad, which I was going to respond to but didn't, infuriated me even more:

Lawyer Looking for Trial Experience? Non-pay opportunity to
learn (Financial District)

Downtown personal injury law firm offers unique opportunity for an attorney wanting to learn trial skills/practice first hand by watching, assisting, and sitting at counsel table during major upcoming trials. Trial counsel has over 25 years of experience and has been featured on tv and newsprint handling several high profile cases.

We are seeking two lawyers. One lawyer for a few upcoming NY trials. One lawyer to fill a position for a NJ auto trial. The NJ lawyer must be admitted in NJ and must have a full understanding of NJ auto law and practice and related rules of evidence. You will be able to second chair the trial.

This is a non-pay position. The applicant must be eager to learn, hard working, and willing to assist during the trial in conducting research, writing last minute briefs on issues that pop up, help deal with clients/witnesses, and everything else that happens during a trial. You will have the opportunity to learn from and watch seasoned trial lawyers first hand and act as their trial legal assistants.

If you have always wanted to do a trial but never had the opportunity---this is your chance!

You must be able to come to court from the very beginning of the trial until the verdict. You will be actively working and helping during the trial. We also want you to help in the final preparations of the case to be well versed in every aspect of it.

This position starts immediately. We would like to have the applicant by the end of next week on or about Jan 27.

Please send cover letter, resume, and writing sample.

Following the trials, based on needs, this could lead to a p/t or f/t position.

Thank you.

Compensation: non pay
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Posting ID: 3556197648

We did this in law school. It was called an internship. During those internships, we worked on the legal matters around our class schedules. We did not have to slave day & night on a case in the law school clinic unless it was the summer & then, we got work study rates i.e. we were PAID for our time in either school credit or hard earned money.

I was not asked to do that when my clinic was doing a trial the summer I worked there (I was on the work study rate of $10 an hour; yes, this was the work study hourly rate for law students when I was in school). Nor was I required to have a law license ahead of time.

For those who aren't lawyers, let me tell you something about trials. Trials are like working as the lead actor on a major TV show or film. Your entire life is consumed by the trial. You have to work very long hours, you generally can't deal with anything else and it is a huge investment of time and energy. If you're doing a trial, you don't have a social life & you'll be lucky if you get 8 hours of sleep a night. In the big firms, associates working on trials don't get that luxury.

You have client meetings, depositions, research to conduct, etc. This is all part of trial prep. Oh, and you'll probably have to take work home since everything changes in a second & there's lots of rushing around involved.

Seeing this prick expecting people to give up their entire lives & offer zero in exchange is outright sick. Do you see a word about travel reimbursement? Meal reimbursement or paying for meals when late hours are required? This is a perfect example of slavery & it should not stand. This person should be reported & if I knew who it was, I would have to in good conscience.

Oh, and do you know how long trials last? They can run from a few days to a few months. Some even go into years. How do you know this person isn't trying to get freebies for a trial that will last half the year? You don't.

Those associates make over $100K a year to do that shit. If you're lucky, you're working 40 hours a week; those are considered part time hours to trial attorneys.

This goes back to that whole "don't be an asshole" rule. Even paying people the work study rate is better than expecting them to pay to work for you & give up their hunt for paying work.

Newsflash: not paying for someone's Metrocard is making someone pay to work for you if they can't work from their own house & you are making them come into your office.

And another demand for a freebie disguised as an internship, this time for a cartoonist:

cartoonist intern wanted (Yonkers)

Talented & experienced cartoonist wanted. You will have the opportunity to work in a fast paced media company. Please include a resume' & samples of your work
Location: Yonkers
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

Posting ID: 3546593202

My response?

Go fuck yourself!! Not only have you violated labor laws with this ad, you're also an arrogant prick with an entitlement complex. Tell me something: do YOU work for free????

You don't? Then don't tell some "talented & experienced" cartoonist to be your God damned INTERN!!! How about YOU be an "unpaid intern" & pay someone to work with you??? I don't even see an offer of travel reimbursement here.

Hope you get sued & fined by EEOC. You get what you pay for.

Before that, I had never seen an ad asking animators to work for free without some company ownership involved. I thought being a cartoonist was somewhat respected, at least compared to actors or models or photographers. Apparently there are morons who will try exploiting them as well. I hope more of them chewed these assholes out since no legitimate company does this.

This ad made me feel better, though. It seems people in fashion are some of the biggest offenders for illegal internships & whiny demands for freebies:

RE: Fashion Director for Fashion Show

Date: 2013-01-12, 7:25PM EST
5vp7p-3541780499@gigs.craigslist.org[?]

An Age Requirement for a Fashion Director - isn't that illegal in the United States - age, race, gender etc. So a Fashion Director or Stylist who is 35 years old will be discriminated against and is not eligible for the job?
Well at least you have the decency to post monetary compensation and not ask someone to work for free and be discriminated against.

Looking for Fashion Director for Fashion Show Charity Benefit (East Harlem)
Date: 2013-01-11, 9:46PM EST


Creative direction
* Director for 7 make-up artist, 5 hairstylist
* Directing 6 designers, and 3 wardrobe stylist
* Come up make-up concept
* Hair style for run-way and hair style for photo shoot during the fashion show
* Must be 21-27 years old
* No experience necessary
* Must have computer

**We will provide with your team
- You need to manage your team
- Have to have leadership

** We at Glamour Unlimited expect you to have 4 things:
- Vision
- Great attitude
- able to communicate with everyone
- be able to deal with all diversity

**You must have a marketable look for this position

If you feel you have what it takes, please email:

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $325

PostingID:3539762439

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: Discrimination plus fee

PostingID:3541780499

I'm glad to see someone else schooling ignorant, pathetic people who don't even have the sense to get legal counsel or hide their ageism like everyone else. Oh, and we all know Fashion Directors & Stylists must be as glamorous as the models they are dressing or it's a detriment to the marketability of the company. Except it's not shit to do with it & someone needs to be beaten upside the head with an inflamed object.

Since I have met people that prejudiced & stupid, I'm pretty certain these ads I see aren't joke ads though one has to wonder. If you're posting it in the jobs section, which costs money in NYC, then you've just shown you're a spendthrift with no concept of the value of money. I can be humorous without spending money.

In fact, I send anonymous resumes for some jobs I see where employers posting the ads gave zero information. One person from a law firm said it was funny & got why I didn't want every Tom, Dick and Harry having my personal info though the job had already been filled.

Maybe I should look into this. Apparently, someone else thought my response to a so-called "joke" posting on LinkedIn was funny. Yes, I said "LinkedIn." You know, the site for professional networking & for professionals to interact?

I chewed someone out for trying to get legal services for free & subvert lawyers in favor of agents. I directly asked the poster how he'd like it if I asked him to do his actor coaching services for free with nothing for him in exchange. This guy then responds saying all lawyers who aren't Jewish are scumbags. I ream him out privately for bashing me as a non-Jew when he didn't know who the hell I was & informed him that there are plenty of people who own companies in Hollywood and elsewhere in the entertainment field who would consider him a bigot.

Now I know some perfectly nice Jewish people & some Jewish lawyers who are also good folk. In fact, I have a generally better attitude toward Jews (at least in America) since they aren't being obnoxious assholes to the general public & trying to impose their ways onto everyone else like the Christians are (the fundies & lunatic fringe, anyway; too few non-lunatic Christians stand up to these jerks & smack them down for their massive hypocrisy).

That, however, doesn't give anyone a pass to defame me or anyone who doesn't fit that category. He responds that "It was a joke" & I made his office laugh.

Okay...so was it actually a joke that you decided to post on a LinkedIn group (you know, that space for professionals to have professional conversations instead of just goofing around) or did someone have to cover b/c an angry redheaded lawyer wasn't taking shit & you didn't want her to share your refusal to listen to non-Jews with everyone she knew, including producers, production company owners, attorneys, etc.? Who knows?

I wonder if you can start a career being a humorist by calling out the BS as you sees it & reminding folk that you can't demand resumes when you aren't even telling us what business you are in? I just don't take shit & as I've said a hundred times, people should play to their strengths instead of trying to be something they aren't.

My husband also claims I'm too blunt in writing cover letters. I suggested he write his own if he didn't like my style. I don't write wimpy letters oozing in desperation or engage in dog & pony shows. I give information I'd want if I were the employer. I also ask questions if someone can't bother answering them in their ad.

If they don't answer, that tells me they are not worth my time or consideration. If they ask me to send materials & then reject what I send, I really want to smack them. Latham & Watkins did that recently when I asked about a job for spouse. The HR person who'd told me his experience would be fine for a job opening they have posted multiple times over months writes back the next day to tell me it wouldn't be. I thought of writing her back & saying "Thanks for wasting my time. I know whose law firm will never be retained by anyone I know if a legal issue arises."

Seriously, business owners: what you do reflects on your reputation. If I think you're lazy, inefficient, a time waster, a jerk, a hypocrite, etc. I'm not going to bother with you. I'm going to look at any employee of yours with that mindset & presume they are also lazy, inefficient, a time waster, whatever. That is also why I try talking directly to the person in charge instead of HR. It is rare I find an HR person who can answer questions about applicants who are out of the box & hasn't wasted my time. Those people out to form an uprising & get the deadbeats out of their profession. Yeah, I'm all about uprisings.

Finally, quit trying to disguise freebie requests as "internships." We should punish that with arrest & imprisonment in a really nasty prison. Who's with me?