How to Be the Worst Thief EVER

Recently, my car was broken into. Not a comedic event & I'm still pissed about it. I also know for a fact my car was locked when I moved it the day before. However, some of the dust has settled so a few things to consider if it's happened to you:

1. At least it wasn't my house. My family is safe, nothing in my home was taken. Plus, if you don't have it, get renter's insurance. Too many people have shared too many stories with me about their property getting damaged b/c a landlord didn't fix a problem that you'd be a fool not to get it. Yeah, it costs money but it's definitely peace of mind.

2. There was literally nothing of much monetary value in the car. The thief or thieves ran off with a freezer bag we got from my in-laws for free, men's sunglasses from the dollar store and my book of CDs.

How many articles have we read stating that CD is a dying medium, if it's not already dead? I'm also very much pro-downloading as a form of civil disobedience against scum like the RIAA who went around suing college kids, old ladies and that one woman for millions of dollars for 30 songs by artists who make well over 7 figures per year. We all know record companies have been screwing artists over for decades & that artists make their real money by touring, merchandising and nearly anything but the CD.

I don't believe in screwing over indie companies & those who don't make trillions a year but guess what? If you're making enough money a month or even in a year to singlehandedly solve the US debt crisis, I'm not concerned with your money problems & will not allow you to extort me with demands to pay for the SAME FUCKING CONTENT I ALREADY OWN ON CD so I can have it on my computer. Taking all the hard drugs you can get your hands on won't change that basic reality. If I start to forget this later, you're free to remind me of it.

3. NOTHING else was taken. Not pennies, tools, not even a Twizzler I had in there for traveling in the mornings to do grocery shopping (sometimes, you need something to keep from getting sick so you're not forced to eat lunch out somewhere). I kept thinking more was taken like our jumper cables but after a final check by my more calm husband, we got our final tally of loss.

I swear, no one wants me to be their cop or in the military. I have way too much of a temper and I'd end up taking matters into my own hands. If I found the guilty prick, I'd likely kill the person. He'd be without balls along with a lack of a woman (my sunglasses were still there so I have to presume this guy didn't have a lady to impress or is a jerk who'd not think of her in his little thieving games). Yeah, I also really don't like people fucking with me & don't react kindly to it.

Let's just say I lack emotional restraint in certain kinds of situations; I think my own family's probably still in shock I didn't ruin my sister's wedding in light of my ex-friend's behavior. I consider it different since I love my sister. Strangers being jerks is a whole other category; people who start shit with me & mine are most definitely in a different category. Even in retail or customer service jobs, I found my ways to get revenge on people who were rude or nasty to me. The comment I made to the lower rung crew person at the last extra gig I did is a classic example. I've use tone of voice & other subtleties to make it clear that I don't respond well to disrespect (that is, if my general vibe doesn't give that away); you can read a few examples here, in fact. Women are good with subtlety, especially those having to deal with snobby types.

Despite this, I still wonder whether it's a joke on us or a joke on the pathetic thief/thieves. Can you imagine trying to pawn that stuff? I think most people would laugh at you.

Hey, if you're going to do something, do it right. Be GOOD at it, okay? Break into a nicer car. Go after someone who's got money. Pick a better neighborhood. Case the joint. Spy on people. Learn your target's movements.

Just reminded me of this guy I knew when I was in middle school. My sister was close friends w/his sister. I actually had a small crush on him.

He also dubbed me and my sister "Big Red" and "Little Red" because of our hair & height differences.

Oh, and he had a rather distinct look. If you saw this guy coming, you'd definitely peg him as a hoodlum (I think my mother actually called him one) & you'd never forget what he looked like.

Seems he decided to rob a store in our area (I believe a jewelry store) and didn't bother wearing a disguise or changing his look to do it. He ended up on the local Crimestoppers segment & immediately got caught since a neighbor who lived 2 trailers down from him turned him in.

After he got caught, my mom thought he was stupid for going to commit his robbery looking the same as he did in our neighborhood. I agreed even then. Goes to show that if you want to break the law & not get arrested or lose out on it, you have to do it right. That took the wind out of that crush; I think it was because I had no desire to stay where I was or become a criminal but maybe also because I figured the guy for me had to be at least as smart as me.

As for having a crush on this guy, I had a LOT of crushes on guys from late elementary school to college (this phase ended after I was getting asked out & guys were being nice to me without there being a prank or hidden agenda involved). I'd usually have one consistent crush on a guy and then have these little periods of crushes on other guys simultaneously. To give you some perspective on this, I was having crushes on guys left & right but never thought that way about females. Nope, not even once. I think that's a pretty big clue of my straightness.

I was WAY too shy & insecure to bother pursuing any of my crushes. Plus I had my strict mother + super protective father who'd put the fear of God into you. Let's also not forget my tormented childhood & how badly I wanted to get the hell out of my hometown. That profoundly distanced me from people.

I wonder sometimes if my life would have been different if I'd had the courage to pursue this stuff but if I'd actually done anything sexual, I think it would have just fucked me up more since I definitely wasn't ready until I decided to lose my virginity when I did (in college & when I was over 18). Such a 180 from my college persona, I know. That's what living in a religious household & in the South will do to you. Warps your views on sex and makes you feel you have to be dishonest about it.

At the end of the day though, I still believe that whatever you do in life you should have enough sense to do it right. If you're going to be a criminal, be the best one you can be. Otherwise, what's the point?