My life has changed dramatically in the past few months. I got served with divorce papers nearly 2 weeks ago when I was there for my Order of Protection hearing and 2 people couldn't have been more distant from one another. Some days I wonder what I saw in my ex and why I married him. Maybe, as my therapist put it, I was simply overly flattered by male attention. I can tell you that's come to an end. Perhaps she's also right when she said he was right for that time in my life but that time simply ended & he was no longer the one for me.
I try not to be a full on bitch but I do have a standard for myself these days. The upside on increased confidence is that you can do things you wouldn't think possible before. If you feel you deserve something (not entitled to it) & have that standard, you can get it. I'm finding this to be very accurate in my own life.
Funny that much cuter guys with better character are interested in me these days. I saw him in that courthouse & I felt the disonance that everyone else had pointed out to me, especially my friend in DC. It took me a lot of time to actually see what they saw & really have it sink in. But one who is ambitious like I am is far better off without a guy who views her as a failed meal ticket. I'd rather be with a man who has some confidence in himself, doesn't blame the world for his problems & isn't just a plain old miserable fuck. I'm still a realist & cynical in many respects but I wouldn't call myself "miserable."
A couple days ago I realized I've become the fantasy woman. I'm like Wendy Lubbock on "Just the Ten of Us" or Flo on "Alice" or a younger version of Blanche Deveraux of "The Golden Girls." I have even noticed guys just check me out as I walk by; I used to feel really flattered but now it's more "business as usual" with some appreciation mixed in.
There's also great power in talking to people, getting their stories, knowing things about them & their lives. For me, those experiences give me a sense of perspective. Take the recent death of Robin Williams. You'd think him being famous & doing all this great stuff in life, presumably making a fortune from his acting and comedy career would mean his life is pretty darn sweet. Apparently, it wasn't.
You never really know a person's experience if you aren't there & seeing it. We've all got a persona we show to the world & if someone lets you see behind the mask, consider it a compliment. I personally feel valued & treasured when someone shows me that. I've had to show that side to people out of necessity in recent times & it's not an easy thing to do, especially for me. Being around others, hearing their stories makes me feel "You know, things could be a lot worse." Maybe my story gives that perspective to others & they say "At least I'm not going through this or that."
Nonetheless, if you haven't had someone you loved once look right through you, you can't understand what that pain feels like. It sort of proves to me that I can't really take that risk of getting close again. Maybe if the guy's parents are dead (or dead to him), he's at least as stubborn as me & refuses to let me push him away, he might have a fighting chance. Or perhaps if his parents respect him as an adult & aren't puritanical jerks, things could work out but at the end of the day, I come back to "If the only man I ever fully loved & who I was with for nearly 10 years could betray me, toss me out like garbage, so on and so on, how can I expect any better from any other guy?" I feel I can't so this is where I'm at.
It's funny that it only affects me in a surface way & much of my being is dedicated to feeling betrayed and angry. I'm not despondent or seeking to go back or anything. I just want to have new experiences with other guys & find men who are better than my ex. God knows they are out there. Now I go to events thinking about how one of these ladies would conduct themselves; you notice they don't go demeaning themselves for a guy or really even have to ask. They just show up & get what they want. I figure "why not me?"