A few thoughts come to mind after ending this Halloween. I didn't have a "traditional" Halloween though I could have gone to a free Halloween party & dressed up + have all my costume stuff in easy reach. Here's why:
1. I found out on Monday I have pinkeye. The last time I had it was in elementary school. I was literally attending a religious private school at the time & it was the late '80s. Not even sure how many times I got it but at least twice.
My father even took me & my sister to Shoney's for lunch one day when I was out of school due to pinkeye. Why was my sister present? She was the queen of faking sick when we were kids since she hated going to school. I hated the social aspects of school & dealing with my horrid classmates but I didn't mind the schoolwork part; my sister was the total opposite. She decided to fake sick on this particular day & getting pinkeye again over 20 years later reminded me of that trip. It's one of those few pleasant memories I have of my father from childhood.
The upside on this whole pinkeye thing is that I now know of a local ophthalmologist if my husband gets it (he's certain he will since he likes to sleep on my pillow at night) & you'd never know I had to look at me. When I had it as a kid, my eyes would look horrible. You'd be able to tell in a second I wasn't well.
2. I was in a lingerie fashion show yesterday. In fact, I wore an outfit that I called my dominatrix look. There were no mirrors so when I came out of the changing room & immediately had my picture taken with one of the other models, I was a little nervous.
But then I got into the role & the show was a ton of fun. A random guy asked me if I'd take a picture with him & he'd flipped the camera to face us. I looked at myself & noticed I was smiling. When I saw this, I thought to myself "There's no way I can stop doing this. I enjoy it way too much."
Modeling has been one of those things keeping me sane & giving me hope for the future. It's probably built up my self-esteem & got rid of the ugly girl complex for good (since you can't be effective at it if you're self-conscious or doubt your own beauty; as they say, the camera doesn't lie).
3. I went to a Halloween party last Friday night & dressed up. Ironically, I was in a fashion show the next night & had a glitter pattern on my face that would have looked great with my costume. It still worked in the show, though & I got some great shots from it. Apparently, I've even mastered walking like a model since one girl I was working with yesterday told me her boyfriend said to her that I "walk like a model." How awesome is that?
I also did some networking & met people at this party. See, women like to know they are appreciated and that guys (or girls if they're lesbians) think they look hot. Even being married, I always appreciate that. For me, it's insurance against jerky behavior. You treat me like shit & there's no reason for me to spend tons of time crying over you.
I also had to go to the cardiologist & for marriage counseling on Halloween. Not sure what type of omen that was but maybe it was good since thus far, my heart's in good shape. I just have to get one more thing to make 100% certain but the certainty now is pretty high.
As for marriage counseling, I'm glad I got the things I had to say out there. If my husband follows up on things, maybe it can be workable but since I don't feel secure that I'm not going to be treated as a sugar baby he wants to rid himself of or that he won't engage in emotional abuse against me again there's still work to be done.
We are also much more different that I would have thought. Maybe part of it is the change in my mental state & acting to stand up for myself against obnoxious behavior no matter where at this point.
I still feel I'm acting consistent with who I am but I've just refused to give up fun for myself because my husband won't do something. He got all POed when I told him about dancing with someone who pulled me into it when I was leaving yesterday's fashion show. I said that if he's not going to dance with me somewhere & some other guy asks me, I will accept provided it's not club dancing. I told my husband he'd better be doing club dancing with me (grinding, you know); it's in his best interest to do that w/me anyway.
The guy who did have me dance with him last night told me I was a good dancer. I always considered myself decent. Not great but not horrifically shitty, either. Guess those 2 years of dance class in high school & dancing at all those college frat parties + clubs paid off. I suppose that was another benefit of sorority membership for me; I would see my sisters at parties, hang out with them and as part of being in that scene would get asked to dance by guys (usually from other schools) or dance with my friends. Still need some gay male friends who like going to clubs & can dance at least as well as me, ideally better.
Today,as I was dealing with all this with my husband in counseling & thinking about the session I was reminded of when I dated Condo Man & how that relationship ended. He said similar to me & was trying to make my life suck by trying to take away money I was trying to save from my job to move for the next chapter. I got fed up & out of there very quickly. In fact, I ended up moving someplace that was much closer to work than his was. I felt that was sabotage & told my husband that some of the statements he made to me lately were threats and an attempt to sabotage me.
I realized that I'd fled from an emotionally abusive jerk in that case & could do it again if I had to. Friends of mine reminded me I'm a fighter & the irony is none of them knew me when I was dating Condo Man.
It feels sad to me that even if you're married, it seems you can't let your guard down. You can't not earn income, even if you're the best cook, the best financial planner, the most organized person & have a great vision.
I'm really hoping that's not how my marriage is going to turn out. A "give up your vision & career so I can do what I want" attitude. Since when should I be forced to do that if the person asking has no passion or vision for a career? Myopic views aren't a turn on, either. It's hardly excuse making when someone tells you their student loan lenders are going to take a huge cut of money if they're at a W-2 generating job; that's simple reality for most attorneys. We can't exactly go work as burger flippers unless we just pay student loan lenders & that's not accomplishing anything if you're seeking more income for your household.
Apparently, there's mutual anger between us though there's still some love. This is probably accurate. I also know there are interests we will never share & parts of my life he'll never want to be part of, even though when I started out on things I never wanted my husband feeling excluded or like he couldn't go to things.
He also did admit something I was sure of & people outright told me but that I didn't know for certain; he's uncomfortable with me modeling & not really supportive of it. At least he does know I'm not giving it up & hasn't asked me to. I think he knows if he did it would be like telling me I can't be friends with people he doesn't like: an instant dealbreaker that will cause me to leave. Emotional abuse is also a biggie since I explained to him I dealt with it enough in childhood & refuse to do it now.
I also really hope he's kidding me about being bipolar since if he in fact is & knowing he would never take medication for mental illness, that's something else I can't do. If you want to call me heartless for that, then you try living the childhood I had, getting out of it & then ask yourself if you want to go through more emotional abuse, verbal abuse and other problems coming from living with someone who refuses to get help for serious problems. History can only take you so far, as I found out when my former childhood best friend decided to show her ass at my sister's wedding after totally dropping the ball on everything & trying to inject herself into my face when I clearly didn't want her there.
Part of me also thinks it's dickish for him to pull this whole "it's your turn to support ME" stuff when things are where they are & my father just died, leaving my childhood family in turmoil. That really bothers me on multiple levels & probably has contributed to anger on my part.
If things don't work out here, I'm never getting married again & will totally feel a long term relationship would be a waste. I'm not going to be able to get over that whole concept of dependency; it's a part of marriage but you're supposed to be okay with it & revere your spouse, not keep a running tally of how many years you earned the money while they didn't or throwing your job in their face while they try finding one & have no luck. Sorry, but no one deserves that. The spouse might as well be your sugar mommy or daddy & cut the pretense of actually giving a damn about you or your feelings if (s)he is going to do that.
Plus, to me dependency = vulnerability & that is something I have a very hard time with. I've had to force myself to get over that as of late with friends since it's not healthy to have no one you can fall apart around without them judging you or holding it against you later (not everyone can afford therapy & I'm the type who needs to talk things out). Friends are also a lower stakes proposition than a serious romantic relationship since you can have more of them & I'd like to hope if my friends have a true crisis, they will feel they can come to me without discomfort.
I'm also not sure if love = dependency. After all, loving someone means you're dependent on how you're treated by someone else. I just feel like I wouldn't be able to really love anyone fully if this becomes another situation I have to flee for my own well being & survival. The story continues but it feels like you can never, ever be dependent with anyone (even the people we think of as being "safe" to be dependent on).