Reaching Out to Strangers on Social Media: There's a Right Way & a Wrong Way

This comes up as I did my forum yesterday. If you didn't get to go, you missed out. Seriously. Jagger was an awesome mod who totally delivered on the promise of educational but accessible (and then some). He made me laugh with the mic talk. I've wondered about such things myself with bar associations, especially City Bar's lack of a sound system considering Thug High had one & we really didn't have much in the way of nice stuff. If Thug High, who has far less money for operations than a NYC bar association, can have a sound system, why the hell doesn't that bar association? I'd really like to know the answer. I can't be the first person to notice such things or say something.

People kept complimenting me on the speakers & my friend Monroe got swarmed by folks afterward. I kid you not. Even my business partner, who attended, wanted to meet him & I made a point to introduce those two. He said he liked Monroe since he was a hustler & remembered me mentioning him before (remember, if I like you & you're on my radar screen you will be mentioned if XYZ thing I remember about you comes up in conversation). That guy will be coming to NYCLA again if I've got anything to do with it. Before I even invited him for this, I knew it would be stupid of me not to. Sometimes being a good leader & organizer means recognizing who's going to deliver the image you're working on + mesh well with your group.

I'm trying to get the "I'm stick of stuffy" demographic since I feel like they've been ignored. I consider myself one of them & God knows I've felt ignored. Plus, what do you expect from the woman who's playing a prostitute in this year's off year show for City Bar?

Even if you're not doing nudity or sex scenes, it takes confidence & a sense of self to portray such a role. I probably couldn't have done it if it was given to me in high school, even though no one there would have believed it since I'm sure most of those guys would find it hard to believe that any guy in his right mind would pay money to sleep with me.

I have had so many compliments from this event from both creatives and lawyers/law students; people thanked me for doing it, thanked my speakers & my moderator (whom I made sure to thank since they totally deserve it & know their stuff). I also think when someone does something nice for you & helps you, you should sincerely thank them for it--at least, this is an American entertainment industry ethic. I even read an article recently on the power of public praise in the workplace & how it raised morale as well as productivity. Some bosses could use that lesson.

My husband also made me proud by networking on his own and doing targeted introductions to my business partner. Meanwhile, as the event organizer, I had to mingle and network amongst my attendees. Don't organize an event if you can't handle this. Funny that I went to an event on Thursday & another industry contact I know told me I was working the room. "Damn," I thought "Here I am, the quiet chick & I'm able to work a room. Okay, then."

As a result of that & doing last night's event, I've gotten lots of cards and met people. I have a TON of follow up to do to say the least.

Then, I've had people send me social media connection requests, particularly on Facebook. Some people use Facebook like I & others use LinkedIn.

Most of the people reaching out have been creatives or I saw they went to my forum so when I got those requests, I was like "Okay, I'll approve it. I don't think this person will try censoring me or telling me what to do." Could you imagine it? I'd handle that quickly, rest assured.

But there are always those people who send you a friend request, have no direct connections to your immediate contacts & have no information on their profiles. You're like "Who the hell are YOU and why are you so anxious to friend ME?"

It pissed me off when it happened on MySpace & it still pisses me off today.

Here's what to do & what not to do if you're reaching out to an industry person you don't know:

1. Tell the person WHY they should friend you. Often, sending a message is best for this (even if it goes to the Other mailbox) but having information on your profile available for the person's perusal or being a mutual contact can help. It does for me, at least. Show me some commonality.

One of my industry friends also agreed that sending a message when trying to friend a stranger is basic etiquette. This is the same thing for LinkedIn connection requests. I select contacts carefully so you won't get a request from me unless I saw something on your profile that interested me like a job, mutual interests, a general ethic, etc. I also do targeted networking & if I think you're going someplace or are where I'm heading, you're going to be someone I wish to talk to. You may end up becoming one of my few trusted contacts as things are moving for me.

At least the good news is I've been getting contacts lately who have their own success so maybe I won't have that whole green eyed monster problem.

2. If you haven't done this & I ask you WHY you want to friend me (which I will do if I can't find any information to support your request like mutual friends, going to my event, etc.), do NOT get all pissy about my asking.

First off, I'm an attorney. Even with entertainment attorneys, who are some of the most accessible and nicest people you will meet in the legal community, you aren't going to get sunshine and roses if an attorney doesn't know you. We attorneys are not in a popularity contest & it benefits you to respect us vs. wanting to have our babies, kill for us or be our best friends. You have to prove yourself to attorneys; as I've said a million times, you can't be an asshole to us.

Attorney may be one of the few occupations where you can get away with being an asshole to others (though maybe judge is better since attorneys can't get away with being assholes to judges). A good attorney is not some doormat throwing people under the bus to impress someone who may very well be trying to exploit them, their contacts or their clients.

Second, I'm a film executive. That's another occupation where you can get away with being an asshole, at least selectively. We are bombarded with people asking for things. It's like wearing a big sign that says "Ask me for favors." You don't even need the sign; people just do it anyway. The higher you are, the more common it is.

There is a finesse and a process to building rapport. Any film exec has every right to be suspicious of strangers who aren't doing the same thing or aren't at their level. Your job, stranger, is to show me you aren't just another asshole asking for a special favor.

Third, my public profile has increased. I'm sure to see more long lost relatives & random others popping out of the woodwork. Having a public profile means you have to be guarded and selective with who you talk to & what information you give. Again, stranger you are the one who has to prove yourself.

3. Don't be an idiot. We have lawyer jokes for a reason. Lawyers didn't get their rep for nothing, as I stated above. Me not being a stereotypical attorney asshole doesn't = embracing total strangers with 100% open arms with no questions on who they are, why they care to see all my personal updates/rants/pics/etc. Creeps & stalkers exist, especially for people in the entertainment industry. If you work in it professionally, you will encounter it sooner or later. It's probably a sign you've made it if you're getting this hassle. Caution saves us time & heartache. Professionals understand this. Not understanding it tells me you aren't a professional or you're extremely naive & something bad will eventually happen b/c you likely give that open arms treatment to strangers.

So, to recap lawyers aren't campaigning for Miss America & the good ones care more about your respect than if you like them as people. What good is someone who likes you as a person but stomps on you, subverts your authority, talks to other attorneys behind your back & excludes you from important conversations with them, etc.? Or worse, that person is breaking every law under the sun but likes you b/c you didn't do anything about it? That doesn't fly in law land; it's a fast track to getting disbarred.

I had someone do this with a friend request. It's like "Did you bother researching me? Did you read this blog? Did you ask around?" Come on, I'm the enforcer! I've also had a lot of haters in life.

Trying to get people to like you is a losing battle since I tried that early in life & failed miserably. When I stopped doing that in 8th grade, I had real friends who had my back & eventually got respect from others since I didn't tolerate anyone trying to demean me. That was worth so much more than the fake friendships I had. Eventually, I let go of all those fake friendships & decided that being in my life and getting my time was a privilege, not something I had to beg or grovel to anyone for.

Seriously, even if you aren't working in the entertainment industry or an attorney it's still a good idea not to go around begging others for approval in life & just be your own person who says "Here I am. Take it or leave it." It's been said a trillion times but it's still true: if you don't look after yourself or respect yourself, no one else is going to.

Paying for Sanity, The Incompetence After the Storm & Why Can't We Get Burlseque at the Bar?

This is a lesson I've had to remind myself of tons of times. As a frugal person by nature, I tend to be very picky about spending money & have refused to spend what I feel is too much on something. My husband has a similar attitude; that's probably one reason our marriage works so well. I don't have to fight with anyone who spends money like a drunken sailor who believes he's never getting laid ever again so has to spend a fortune on entertaining the hottest girl in the room so he won't die without having gotten that quickie along with getting that good, stiff drink since they're no longer making that brand of liquor. We're huge believers in frugality.

At the same time, though I've found there are times when it's okay to spend more money. One of those times was today for gasoline.

You may have read about NYC's gas lines & recent start of rationing. I was awakened Tuesday morning by horn honking from stopped cars that were in a gas line on my block. If they'd not suspended parking that day & my car wasn't already on the proper side to avoid being ticked, I would not have been able to move my car to the proper side. Those parking tickets aren't cheap.

I also saw the craziness in walking around my neighborhood & I'm having none of it. Fortunately, we had more gas in our car pre-Sandy that I thought we had. This meant the freedom of choice. I'd heard there were no lines in Connecticut or near a relative in New Jersey (where I understand gas rationing is still going on but has actually made a difference).

I decided to go to Connecticut to get gas & got up at 7 this morning to make that happen. Bear in mind that lately, I've been waking up around 12/1 p.m. (Sandy also screwed up my sleep schedule). I had to go today in order to be able to go on a trip that's been planned for months. Getting there & back was so much easier, let me tell you.

The station near my house had a line when I left for Connecticut & when I got back at around 9-9:15 this morning, the line had started to take over the main road I had to travel on. A normally 2 lane road was now 1 lane. I paid 50 cents more per gallon but I am more than happy to have paid it, for many reasons.

1. Not sitting in a 30 minutes if I'm lucky line. I'm not a person you want doing that since I've got a temper & if you mess with me, there will be problems. I also never claimed to be a paragon of patience.
2. Not paying increased tolls to get to New Jersey.
3. Not having to drive in Manhattan to go to that part of New Jersey. My route was all highway.
4. Being more familiar with Connecticut since I used to live there. I also know Connecticut doesn't have traffic circles or areas where you can't make left turns.

If this were a credit card commercial, it would end with Saving time & preventing unnecessary arrests: priceless. It's like "Wow, having lived in Connecticut for 3 years & driving around various areas of the state came in handy." That drive also helped me refresh my driving legs for the upcoming road trip & means we can actually take that road trip.

To avoid a gas line, you bet I'll do this. Essentially, it's paying for comfort. I found the same to be true when I took Amtrak on business class. That experience is why I'm not doing anything unless I can pay to get business class or not deal with crazy BS that's just going to raise my blood pressure & feel like Chinese water torture. Or for an analogy closer to home, maybe I should say I try to avoid situations akin to having a thong stuck in your butt & not being able to move it because you're at a work function or business meeting where there's no bathroom in sight or you're stuck with some irritating jerk you're just pretending to like who refuses to mingle.

I tend to resent paying more money for such things but today, I had no problem with it. Extraordinary circumstances & all. Can't believe Bloomberg claims this is going to continue for "a few more weeks." All I can say is he'd better be suspending alternate side parking restrictions while that's going on since I'm not waiting for a gas line to leave my block so I can move my car to the proper place. The street has enough room for one car on it so forget passing anyone; the only way you'll get people to move there is with a weapon or a death threat.

I'm also gratified to hear that people in Long Island started protesting at LIPA's headquarters because of the slow moving progress to restore power. My husband said LIPA is worthless & is glad he doesn't have to deal with them. Most people I know have either long since gotten their power back or never lost it in the first place (including in Long Island). I want their leadership to get nailed by the governor & hopefully forced to pay heavy fines. I'm sure those people without power would also like to see them serve some jail time.

You know, maybe the protestors without power should go camp out at the board members' homes & say "Until you restore our power, we're not moving." Might light some fires under a few behind if you did that, don't you think? Wouldn't it be ironic if they called the cops & the cops who showed up were also without power & sided with the protestors? Or maybe if the cops were human beings & agreed with this act? Gee, desperate times. Anyone get the memo on that?

I can't imagine the management there is sitting with no electricity at this point & I'd bet money they aren't.

Anyhow, another time I have to tell myself it's okay to spend money is if paying more means higher quality. There's also paying for things you don't already have or if you need a replacement. I'm very much of the school of using things until you can't anymore. I feel it's wasteful to get rid of something that still works or still fits you if it's not in disrepair. Had to reluctantly get rid of a rain coat I still can't find a viable replacement for due to it being in disrepair & despite my efforts in sewing up holes. I'd just get new holes in it. That still pisses me off & I can't find a replacement for it in my size. No one seems to have it & I adamantly refuse to get something that looks frumpy, boring or dull. Nor do I get things that look like what everyone else is wearing; kill me for having an aesthetic & caring about my appearance.

In other news, I got a part in the next City Bar show & guess what I'm playing: a "lady of the evening." I did get the one line I asked for & will get some solo singing in a song. This is probably the only venue where I can play that role without worrying about exploitation, losing credibility in my industry or getting a grievance filed against me. I also have to find out the time period of the show so I know how to do costuming. I have ideas; got the boots already though they aren't stripper heels. They come up pretty high on my leg & I've got lots of short skirts.

One thing I know is that I can't dress like I normally do. For one thing, no one's ever mistaken me for a prostitute (even in NC & Atlanta) & I've seen NYC prostitutes. They dress much more revealing than I do.

My husband's wary about it but I pointed out that I can't dress in something I'd wear normally (especially in the summer) since that's not honest to the role or the scene if it's present day. I most certainly will make sure nothing's going to be coming out unexpectedly (otherwise, I'd feel too self-conscious) & I've been on stage in all sorts of getup over the years. I've been in a swimsuit & reminded him that I did a song for my law school talent night one year in a lingerie top (a long camisole top that had a bra built in & was in the lingerie section of the store I got it from). We were dating at that time & he did not play Fashion Police over it.

If I get to dress as a modern day prostitute, I'll be thrilled since it will be an opportunity for rebellion. When I read the role, I was in immediately since I thought "In this stuffy forum, getting to do that & get away with it would be awesome!" Plus, no one would get to accuse me of hiding my body in shame or because I have scars or something that embarrasses me. I'm always trying to find ways to rebel in that atmosphere & man, if that's not the ultimate way to do so I'm not sure what is. There's also the stretch of my acting muscles if I get to play it honestly. If it's not present day, I'll have to buy stuff.

I've often thought about how cool it would be if we had burlesque at a bar association event; not all the shows involve nudity & most of the acts I've seen had zero nudity. It's also an art form & does require some talent I don't have. The outfit I have in mind would certainly lend to more clothing than most burlesque performers end up in at the end of their acts. Plus, burlesque is certainly not the same as stripping & only an uncultured idiot who doesn't know anything about it would say it was. There's a different format & tone in burlesque than there is a strip show. I also don't think a burlesque performer will give you a lap dance no matter how much money you offer her (or him, but mostly her). The men would probably still be titillated enough to show up though at the Liberty Belle Spectacular, it was mostly women watching the burlesque performances.

Now to fully enjoy Car 54, Where Are You? Hopefully, I'll be awake enough to watch Dobie Gillis after this. I like both of these shows since they are funny as hell & wish they had good DVD sets. If they did, we'd own them in a heartbeat. I'm sad that Car 54 had cruddy DVD sets. Why can't METv show their full schedule in my area?! I have it on DVD but I'd watch Get Smart on there or see about watching The Donna Reed Show since I've not seen it since the late '80s when we had cable & Nick at Nite. Why can't they show these programs at more convenient times than 2 & 3 a.m. on Saturday nights? I hate the stupid infomercials they show for half the day when we could be watching MeTV shows, considering we don't have Antenna TV.