Freedom: Something You Can't Put a Price Tag On

You really can't. When you don't have it, you realize just how valuable & precious it is. You don't have to be living in a totalitarian regime to feel like a prisoner or that you have no freedom. You don't even have to be living in a homeless shelter or struggling financially to not have freedom. You could even have money & still have no freedom to call your own since it's not YOURS from your own hands or mind but belongs to someone else that you have to stay on good terms with, even if they behave like a royal cretin to you.

"You've just described everybody's job situation," you're probably saying to yourself but I don't think I really am. Rational, sane employers are only concerned about you getting the job done properly & competently. They aren't worried about what you do in your personal life, how you dress outside of a company dress code, your personal views on things, or what others think about you outside of the business context. Clients also tend to be more concerned about you doing a competent, proper job for them so long as you're not a KKK member or something deemed radical or crazy by the standards of wherever you conduct business. Being a conservative Christian may help you in the South or parts of the Midwest while that could make you a pariah in NYC.

Family members, on the other hand are absolutely different. Your spouse or significant other can be different as well. People helping you out of goodwill are also different. It's not like you can get other family members or quickly acquire other romantic partners or people helping you out of goodwill. These people also have more insight into your personal life & if they help you in any way financially, can make your life a living Hell if you do something they don't like. I guess dealing with so many tyrants in my life has made me wary of having to be dependent on anyone in any way at all. Who likes the specter of blackmail or being cut off?

Sometimes, you can be in prison and not even realize you're trapped. Marriage can be a lot like that, particularly if you're married to someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart & just wants to bring you down or have you be on their level instead of being your very best. Small minded haters, we call them. Being married to those is lousy & I speak from personal experience aside from the general "how must that feel for this hater's spouse/significant other" sense.

Finally getting your freedom, though, is priceless. It's a feeling of exhilaration, calm, peace and knowing that you are in control of your own destiny with no having to make nice or deal with any fucker in terms of maintaining your survival. Having a true home of your own is paramount. Without that, your quality of life will suffer. You may not even have one when you have no home to call your own.

Throughout this time, I have been thrilled to be free of bullshit like making nice with in-laws. I can't do meeting anyone's family at this point. I feel like everyone's mother is going to be a bitch to me or resent me for being smart or pretty or the combination of both or try bringing me down in some way. In dating situations, it's worse since you figure Mommy Dearest will declare that no one is good enough for HER baby & will hate you on sight. In a friend context, that's okay but not sure about guy friends. Their parents might still think you will end up becoming someone who steals their baby away.

The whole in-law experience I've lived & observed makes me uncomfortable about that whole thing; I'd rather a guy's parents were dead or he'd disowned them but that would be too mean to say to someone. Imagine that conversation: "I can't live under the tyranny of your parents or deal with them being abusive to me while you stand by & do nothing so I'm not going to go out with you unless you disown them or they die in some way. I'm not getting a hit man or killing anyone myself but they'll have to perish before I can go out with you. Is that cool?" Who'd agree to that?

And what if grandparents are like that? I never even HAD grandparents so asshole grandparents would just make me even happier I never really had any to be abusive toward me. They're bound to get even more latitude to treat a girl like shit than parents. I definitely can't deal with that.

One split down the middle is saying that someone has to be their own person & not let their parents control everything or dictate their lives. In other words, no Mama's boys & no Daddy's girls. After my father died, I could no longer deal with family tyranny; I feel none of us should, especially if you have children. That's taking "honor thy mother & thy father" way too far. Catering to bullshit is living under someone's tyranny. Life is far too short for that bullshit.

I can't even remember what I did this past July 4th or on July 4th in my married life but I will never forget this one for many personal reasons. One of these days, perhaps I'll get to the hot dog eating contest in Coney Island. I did get to the Mermaid Parade this year & that was fun. Very interesting costumes in the parade. I haven't gone to fireworks or any events or done much for this one but it's special to me just the same.

One of these days I will be released from the tyranny of my ex and the divorce proceeding. I'm at least content with a few facts & have done far more growth in my personal time than most people my age and certainly more than my ex. One day at a time, I suppose. Let's just keep moving forward. Guess a lot of other people have had to deal with that tyranny & stifling of their creative voice as well. Fuck all those people causing the stifling; we know they're just talentless & devoid of creativity anyway.

Close Friendships: What Does the Presence or Lack of Them Say About Us?

I was pondering this recently when a close friend made me feel I was not wanted or cared about. It seems I'd fit in well if I were a single woman in the UK. A guy with knowledge told me a year ago that British girls are aloof, would never chase men and don't play competitive little games with other women. I have never been the type of woman to engage in such nonsense since it's my take that a guy either is interested in you or he isn't. If I'm not some guy's type, I'm not going to spend a second trying to convince him of my worth or that I'm such a great catch. I don't beg in business, in friendships or anyplace else in life. You've got the wrong sister for that one. A real diva knows she's got it going on & doesn't need anybody's validation. I know it more now.

So in these times, I've lost a LOT of friends. I've lost all my close friends over the years from distance, personality changes and finding out the person I'd known had morphed into a total stranger. This one friend who has been by me in the darkest of the dark times was slacking off on me & pissed me off with the "it's too hard stuff." Keep in mind this is someone who has never been married, never had a parent die & has a home to speak of. The person I'm referring to hasn't had to apply for public assistance, seen the undersides I've seen in life or to my knowledge, had someone who you thought loved you and had your back metaphorically shit on you & outright try to sabotage you. I had been talking to this person's significant other & felt she shouldn't be blamed for his failings as a friend so I said "I'll talk to her but I'm not talking to you."

My thought was "Some of these days, fucker. Some of these days you're going to miss me & you're going to feel like shit. You'll suffer a loss not having ME around." I'm pretty unforgettable & unique, you know.

How many attorneys do you know who prepare for court appearances & their divorce hearing by listening to gansta rap? How many have a "seize the day & pick life" mentality? Oh, and natural redheads are the natural divas & the rarest people out there. There also aren't a lot of women my age who've gone through what I've had to & haven't let it completely destroy them. I also figured I might be dead by that time & then it'd really be too late. My family's life expectancy isn't in the 80s/90s but more like 50s/60s. AND...my presence & the fact that I bother to make time for you or care is a gift. Trust is very hard for me; my childhood started that & the rest of life has made it worse. That's a privilege & I don't give that to just anybody. You can't.

So I was going through my life, dealing with the whole divorce mess & everything when I hear from the significant other. Remember, not her fault if my longtime friend abandoned me. She also never made me feel like I had no right to my friendship or that I was an intrusion or a bother. Also, she's more of a peer I can get along with who is similar to me in many ways. I've been looking for other women I can talk to & who don't get all pissy at me for having pretty girl problems. Plus having someone who wants to do girl stuff & hang out is great; I'd have loved that when I was married & haven't had a best friend in a long time. Mine got too chummy with my sister & then went crazy, if you remember.

When we got a chance to hang out, she told me her significant other & my former friend figured that if something major happened to me I'd tell her & she'd tell him. Damn it! She is the one who convinced me he did in fact give a damn though he didn't make me feel like he did, particularly based on prior acts. Perhaps he assumed it wasn't the lowest of the low like when things first happened and all that. Not sure when that whole thing started or his full thinking there. I have my suspicions & intuition; it also appears my intuition is pretty damn good sometimes.

So when I cut you off, you are dead to me. There's no second chances, no going back, nothing. I have no time for it & you don't get to be part of my success, eventual triumph, whatever journey I get to if you bail on me in these dark times. That's just the way it is & has to be. Except with this friend, it's like he's herpes or a damn fungus. For whatever reason I haven't figured out, I've never been able to be fully rid of him. When I was married, something told me to keep him around since I'd need a friend like him; I figured he'd never begrudge me of my success or get jealous of me or try to steal my thunder. He also assured me years back he'd never date some woman who'd tell him who to be friends with i.e. dropping me b/c some chick told him to do that. I kept that friendship despite some deep shit going on around me b/c of that intuitive sense that he'd be important in my life; I also don't respond well to anyone telling me what to do. I'd felt by this point, we were done with that but I guess the journey continues.

Nonetheless, I still have some thoughts re: close friendships. I wonder if the lack of them says something bad about me as a person. That perhaps my standards are too high & no one could possibly meet them no matter how hard they tried. That I have a character flaw in me that makes me too impatient and too consumed to ever have close friends for a long duration of time. I sort of view this one friend in my life being like the continuation of being in my sorority even when I sometimes felt like leaving the chapter b/c it was something I wasn't feeling home with for many reasons. Staying in my sorority was something I did since I wanted to say I'd done that in my life and stuck with it despite the emotional difficulties I'd felt as a member. I didn't want to be a quitter.

Case in point: I didn't have a little sister & no one picked me to be their big. I'm a damn orphaned lady with no sorority family line. My tree starts & ends with me. When I hear about people's lines & all, it still hurts a little. It makes me feel sidelined & reminds me of how I felt when no one seemed to like ME or think I was interesting or cool or fun to hang out with. Time dulled some of that pain but it really hurt at the time & brought back all the old "ugly duckling" feelings I had. And I did have 2 alumnae big sisters & a twin so I guess I shouldn't feel TOO sorry for myself. I've always gotten along well with more mature people since I'm an old soul with a youthful mind and energy. I've been told I have the energy of a 7 year old girl.

There is the point where you've outgrown friendships. I definitely had that with my childhood best friend; she also changed into a total stranger I no longer recognized or respected. Growth is definitely something I've had in these times. You'd have to be a robot not to feel SOMETHING from all this. Or you were a big fat liar who never cared about the person you married or your dead relatives or acceptance or anything. Death is a game changer. I had a lot of more distant relatives & closer relatives die when I was young but the really close ones didn't go until I was in my 20s. That is a time when you have to see who your friends are & who they aren't.

So if you have the same friends you've had forever, does that mean you haven't grown as a human being? That you have never had anything really bad happen to where you had to put those friendships to the test? Does not having close friends that you've known for at least a decade mean you are too shallow or a lost cause b/c no one likes you that long or does it mean you've lived and grown to where you're just too awesome for it? Is there a good or a bad to that idea? Is anyone better in some way for their close friendships or lack of them? I definitely don't consider trust to be instant pudding and hate people who want you to do that instantly or command it out of you.

Embarking on the Mythical & Insane: Going to a Hooters

For those who don't already know, I grew up in this strict religious household. My mother kept us far away from anything remotely hinting at sexuality. I remember her almost not letting us watch Just the Ten of Us when we were little b/c she felt it was not appropriate. Hearing someone in this Biography special on the Nightmare on Elm Street movies call that show "wholesome" & squeaky clean made me chuckle at this contradiction.

By the time we were teenagers & attending public school, my mom had loosened up some. Or so you thought. I still had to deal with the damn clothing battles over my shorts, skirts, tank tops and the like but she was picky about something else.

My father got a job laying cable for a company that sent him in distant places in the state. One time, he was staying at a hotel near Charlotte. This was when my parents weren't living together but my mother couldn't simply just cut ties; she still saw the man even though I felt she should have gotten a divorce eons ago.

Well, my father had this shirt from Hooters & my sister wanted it. She wanted it really badly but my mother said she couldn't have it. It wasn't one of the tank tops the servers wear or something tacky & revealing, just the simple older logo everyone in the US might be familiar with & the name of the city on the shirt (in this case, "Charlotte, NC"). She was like "Why can't I have it?" I remember asking my mother this myself. She was essentially "I am law & say no on this."

There's also the famous lore of how Hooters girls flirt with guys to get tips & all that. You've seen South Park with the Raisins restaurant & those girls, you know what I'm talking about. Or the actual term people use is "breastaurant."

Things to know about me:

1. I'm NOT the kind of woman who gets jealous of other women. Someone else's power doesn't mean I don't have power of my own. Other women with looks are my peers, my contemporaries, chicas who get it in a way other girls can't understand.

2. I applied to work at the local Hooters when I graduated college & was in NC hoping to earn some extra money before embarking on the next adventure of my life. I think I got rejected for being too smart, despite being pretty & making sure to wear a blue halter top that show my boobies quite nicely. Dress for your audience, you know?

3. One of my exes, Vampire Boy, apparently went to Hooters with some goth friends but not me. The image of him in this "breastaurant" getting hit on by women who look more cheerleader than goth chick (his type) has always amused me. It's just not something I see him doing or really getting into. God help the woman having to do that for her tips; maybe she should get an Oscar if she's forced to lay it on thick.

I've always had this curious fascination with seeing what that experience is like myself. I'm sure not going to care about some server hitting on a guy taking me. If that actually worked, I'd have gotten Psycho Boy to Hooters STAT & been eternally grateful to any woman working there who got his fixation off of me; maybe even paid her some money for her inadvertent service in saving my life. I could do that for other overly clingy guys & never had problems again.

Hooters: the place for women to take their lovesick admirers so they'll bug someone else.

Recently, the opportunity posed itself for me to go with a guy friend so I went. It was NOT the pickup scene I expected; our server hardly noticed us. I expected some flirtation on my friend but that didn't happen. He said those girls are probably in high school & told me about having taken a male friend of his to that particular Hooters before. Unfortunately I didn't buy a shirt but maybe I should ask my sister if she wants that for her birthday. I should get myself one as well. A lovely rebellious statement against my mother & "the faith" I have not belonged to in forever. Maybe it's even just a symbol of rebellion for me in general & me owning my whole model thing. Hmmmm...

Business Clothing That's Really Whore Wear & Other Musings

That's what I have asked myself when going to retailers like H&M, Old Navy and other places that make their clothing material so sheer and so thin. You know the ones I'm talking about, right? You go in & try on business pants and in the dressing room, you can see a line in the back. We call that having a visible panty line.

When I worked in retail in the mid-late '90s, you definitely saw some tops and things that were too freaking sheer. I don't buy that stuff since I don't work on street corners or as an adult entertainer. Lately, however this happens with dress pants. Either they are super tight or you're getting panty lines in the butt.

Do these manufacturers & designers honestly think a woman can get away with that in a business setting or as an attorney going to court? Do they think all women work in the adult industry or as sex workers? That feels like the only environment where you could get away with visible panty line. You could probably get away with visible panty in that line of work.

However, the majority of women don't do that sort of thing so I ask why the HELL anyone would waste their time and money creating such worthless junk? Do most women just walk around with panty lines showing? I know for a fact most women are not as savvy about coverage on things as I am. I worked for 3 years in a lingerie department. I know about strapless bras & know where to get them. I might have been one of the only girls in my high school who wore tanktops without her bra strap showing (since The Angry Redheaded Lawyer got clothing discounts where she worked & made sure to invest in some strapless bras). I also managed to find underwear that wouldn't show panty lines in clothing & know the key to keeping that stuff from happening. Of course, you're kind of screwed if you're wearing something lacy but there are tricks to that as well so you're not flashing the world.

And if you're thin & don't have money, you are plain & simple fucked. Nothing fits you unless it costs a small fortune. I go through racks and mutter to myself about whether there's anything that's NOT in a "fat ass size." For my body's purposes if it's above a 0/2/XS, it's a fat ass size & won't fit me. I deserve my confidence as well, don't I? Fat women get all this about finding proper fitting clothing but do you think skinny women get that? Hell no! It's like you're part of a super hated group. So are models or any women with looks, smart people, rich people, anyone who's got things others don't even if they don't have to put in real effort to get it or don't think it's such a big deal. You can have more humility than anyone & still have people hate you if you're fitting those categories. I definitely feel like clothing manufacturers and plenty of other groups hate me. They must, especially when a 2 isn't even a true 2 that fits me.

I suppose my clothing being too big is a bit of a metaphor for my marriage & my old life. It no longer fits me, is too damn big & makes me look frumpy. Life is way too short for that. That saying "the clothes make the (wo)man" is accurate on many levels, not just in the sense of dressing for the job you want vs. the one you have. Having something that fits you properly will make you feel a trillion times better, at least if you're into fashion or appreciate it like I do.

Also, must these manufacturers contribute to more women with less money having nasty dispositions? I personally hate extortion schemes & I can smell them a mile away.

Listening to Cece Peniston right now. She has some great songs if you aren't familiar with her. A 90's artist from my youth. I know a lot of hip-hop & R&B songs from that era, particularly early to mid 90s. Vestige of my childhood. I guess it goes back to the whole "divorce is a regression" thing.

I also had a realization not long ago. When my mother was my age, she'd already lost both of her parents & had to deal with my alcoholic father along with raising me and my sister. She has more inner strength than anyone I know & is a far better human being and parent than plenty of people I could name.

I was reading earlier about this woman who honored her mother in law on Mother's Day; I never felt the urge to do that & I feel even less of any now. As far as I'm concerned, she's the ultimate hypocrite & my mother is exactly right when she says there's a special place in Hell for people like this woman. One person heard about what my ex did & said he was "not human." That & the realization that I never really loved him will make things a million times easier. Had one conversation where someone told me I never fully loved him on all levels.

Another person I know wrote that love was about needing someone for everything to where you couldn't breathe without them. Not sure if that definition of love is true but if it is, that explains volumes about me. It explains my tattoo. It explains that the meaning behind it is 100% pitch perfect for me & will most likely never change. I just can't depend on anyone in that way; I didn't even depend on my ex in that way at the height of the happy times in the relationship. I didn't feel that way about Vampire Boy either, the guy I came closest to loving before my ex. My feeling was "if you fuck me over, I'll just find someone else & won't put up with your shit ever again." I'm not a woman big on second chances, particularly if I don't think the person is sincere in their attempt to make amends. Significant others have a much harder time getting redemption from me than anyone else.

Let's consider this: if you want to be a survivor of a breakup, especially a divorce you can not be the type to need ANYONE that much. In my mind, it's a question of time when the other shoe is going to drop since it has a million times. I could deal with people dying on me more easily than I could having them abandon me & betray my trust just like everyone else, making it the umpteenth time I've had to deal with it. I explained to this person that I have had all this happen long before my jerky ex & he knew about it, which makes what he did a trillion times worse on top of the other circumstances around it.

Has it made me hard? Probably. Not sure if I really had innocence to lose in the first place but maybe for me it's a bit beautifully naive to feel that way; it's not a luxury I have, that whole getting more hurt than I already have been in life. You get extremely cautious when people lie, manipulate and so forth toward you. One might think I've not gone through things in life but they'd be wrong. I feel like having what I have was God or karma's way of making up for things I've had to deal with. We all have to have some scale balancing or we'd end up killing ourselves.

In sum, I think I am utterly incapable of fully loving anyone. Is that possible? You tell me.

Moral Orel: It's Pure Genius

A few days ago I was watching an episode of Moral Orel (specifically this one called "God's Chef"). I was reminded of its absolute genius & just how darn funny it was. Wrong, but funny. Lots of things I find funny fit into that category. My ex was also a fan, likely b/c he grew up with an uber-Catholic mother who taught his religion class. My mother was also uber-Baptist, which was much worse when we were growing up considering I went to a religious private school from 1st-3rd grade. Not to be confused with "Southern Baptist"; though we lived in the South, we didn't play that racist shit.

So as a child I was exposed to some creepy, religious programming. Those of you who were raised in the Baptist/Christian church will certainly know some of these programs but I'm doing this for the people who didn't grow up in the South or other "Christian" corners of the country or world.

There was Gospel Bill, which I remember first seeing when I went to my best friend's church one Wednesday evening. They just had us watching some of that on loop. There was also Quigley's Village, which my sister says her teacher had them watch in class one day at the religious private school. No way could you play that in public school since there was lots of God talk in there. They even reference God in the theme song! Atheist parents would have a collective heart attack if public school teachers were playing this one in class.

We also had The Gospel According to St. Bernard, which is the adventures of an angel who is sent to Earth as a St. Bernard dog to manage the spiritual health of a brother & sister. Young kids, not teenaged degenerates or even kids living in the ghetto with screwed up parents. That would probably be the parody version; these kids lived in Florida. I don't think they ever explained why this angel had to go on this mission; I believe it was one of those "God says you have to do it so you're doing it" situations. Much like real life in the church. There was also Gerbert, which I'm annoyed my link to no longer works. He was this orange puppet boy living in a world of humans and sometimes being a prick but often learning "life lessons." They also had segments of this singing children's choir, which you often wondered where Gerbert was at during all this. Sometimes Gerbert was watching the performance. Think of it as being like those breaks in shows from the '90s like In Living Color where there'd be some dance routine with the Fly Girls in between the comedy. Believe me, the Fly Girls dance routines were more interesting & probably far more controversial than what I'm talking about in Gerbert.

Moral Orel is a parody of the show Davey & Goliath, which it seems many non-religious people are familiar with. Just in case your parents were God hating heathens or you aren't familiar with it, here's some information on Davey & Goliath. If you know Davey & Goliath, think of Moral Orel as that world turned upside down with no talking dog.

Now if you are familiar with these shows & the world of Baptists in the South, you can appreciate why I would love Moral Orel. It directly attacks and spoofs religious hypocrisy. I don't want to give away too much of this show but the father is definitely NOT a paragon of virtue, the parents have no sex life & you can see that they hate each other but put on fronts for everyone else. Definitely happens in the Christian community in the South. The show's adult characters have bad secrets, which is definitely not far off from that world. In the first episode, Orel reawakens the dead. Now his father isn't upset with him for creating a zombie apocalypse in Moralton but is upset b/c Orel took people's clothes off to turn them into zombies so the town is all outraged at the NAKED zombies as opposed to the zombies.

In another episode, where Orel is told masturbation is wrong and he's going to hell if he "spills his seed" his father tells him babies come from God serving as a chef putting material into women's bodies. So Orel, who wants to masturbate without going to Hell, decides he's going to be God's chef & put his seed into women's bodies. He causes a spike in pregnancies from women whose husbands never touch them. When you think about it, Moralton is a very depressing place (at least, that's what I thought since I am not frigid on that sort of thing).

They touched a lot on the gleeful censorship along with the unhealthy attitudes on sex. Not sure if they touched as much on the demanding women to be frumps thing. Loved the alternative character Orel befriends later on named Stephanie who owns a sex shop. It turns out her father is the town's Reverend & despite their vast differences, they end up having a good relationship later on. There are Christians in the world who get along with their gay, alternative, non-believing kids. I get along much better with my conservative family though I'm not gay & probably less alternative than lots of people who came from this type of background. The authoritarian aspect of growing up in a conservative Baptist household was definitely captured in this show.

Sadly, they only put the first season out on DVD & I hadn't seen it since the economic & emotional abuse ensued. Still makes me laugh, though & it's worth watching. If you grew up in that atmosphere, saw through the bullshit and got out, you MUST see this show if you didn't already. In case you never did, here's a way to do so.

Does anybody else notice the sexism that permeates in the Christian church? It is a huge reason I consider myself undeclared. Plus, what model would go along with any religion that demands them to dress like a frump & be ashamed of their body? It seems contradictory to the entire modeling industry, especially if you are a woman.

Now I've got to go out in this nice sunny day. Why wouldn't I?

Tips for Surviving NYC as a Single Man

I wrote this guide for someone I think I've outgrown (truly my ex, part deux who if I'd married instead would be the target of my anger and feelings of betrayal right now). He recently moved here & I figured I'd tell him what I'd have wanted to know when I moved here 7.5 years ago since that's the sort of thing I do for friends who've been there in my dark times.

Some of it was general, some was specific to what I knew about him.

As I wrote it, I figured it would be a great thing to post for my readers (especially those of you not from NYC, who've wanted to visit or would just be way out of their league coming to NYC). Here you go & make sure to thank me if you have averted even one local kicking your ass or flipping you off:

1. Rule #1: The MTA sucks. This is a fact of life irrelevant to which borough you live in. The subway platforms are cold in the winter & hot in the summer while the trains are the opposite. You will get squashed in rush hour or if the train has been delayed so there's also the body heat factor to consider.

2. Ask when apartments you are looking at were built. Chances are, you're not going to have the money for the newly renovated, fancy new places & if that building is pre-1980s, you don't want to use large appliances b/c you will experience power overloads.

3. Central air is non-existent in NYC. I suggest you get some nice window A/C units with a decent, but not huge, BTU. Plenty of places are sweltering in the summer, including subway stations. You will barely feel it in some places, especially on the hottest days (think heat index of 95+). Southerners, including me, fly into murderous rage in those conditions. See “Do The Right Thing” for an example.

4. Infestations, including bedbugs, roaches & rats: ASK about these in apartment hunting. If the place doesn't allow you to get a cat (they are masters at killing mice & some kill other creatures; I say this from firsthand knowledge), inform them that it'd better be fucking spotless.

Bedbugs are a serious threat in this city & owners are required to take care of that mess ASAP. It's a city law & you can call 311 about it.

Pet friendly buildings exist but can be hard to find. If they don't allow pets, they'd best be VERY diligent in dealing with rats, roaches and other creepy crawlies. Think of it this way: a girl does NOT want to get busy in a place with any of that mess. It would be a huge turnoff for me & probably 99% of womankind. Don't let anybody tell you roaches or rats are inevitable; my place was roach free & Stormy (the gray cat) took care of the very few little mice that showed up.

5. Some apps you need to get if you're going to be in NYC:

A) Embark (it's got the NYC subway map & tells you about delays & diversions on the trains)

B) HopStop (it's the best way to get directions to anywhere in NYC from where you are; it will tell you about diversions based on the time you're going, show you maps & so forth)

C) Yelp (If you're looking for a food place nearby or trying to remember where one is, this app will give you that info instantly. It's been a huge help to me if I wanted to find a Chinese restaurant or see how a place's reviews are. Also useful to get the number or see if a place is open at the time)

D) Groupon (you can get local deals on here & there's tons of stuff in NYC)

E) ABCEats (this is for the restaurant sanitation grades; maybe you don't have those where you are or never noticed them in your experience but it's a HUGE factor to me since they were in places I lived; you might be going out w/some girl who's also used to those & doesn't want to go to a grade C place)

F) NYC Condoms/find condoms (an app that tells you where you can get free condoms in NYC)

G) NYC 311 (this app lets you make complaints to the city without having to sit through 311's ridiculous automated system, which is a pain in the ass)

Apps that are useful if you are driving or in a car with someone:

A) Google Maps (it helped me a lot in CT but it's a power drain)

B) Waze (this one tells you about traffic on the road, has cute animations & you can warn people about road and driving conditions; if you go down a road that's not on the map, you can also get points in their system; also a power drain but you can also use it to get directions in the suburbs)

6. How to avoid beggars, subway performers and screaming kids on the subway: Get a pair of ear buds & an iPod or MP3 player with lots of songs you like on it. This comes in handy when some guy brings you a sob story or some woman straps a baby to herself & begs for money or someone prances their physical deformity around. Skullcandy has a lifetime warranty on their ear buds so when they inevitably die, you can get free replacements if you kept receipts or someone gave you some as a gift.

Books work if you can get a seat but if you can't, it can be very difficult to read & avoid all that mess while you're standing. With a music player, you can just let it play and if you leave it alone it won't matter if you're sitting or standing.

7. Don't be one of those people afraid of the subway or who always takes cabs: I will make fun of people for it, would call someone like that an elitist to their face & tell them they have no financial management skills. The only exceptions are severe physical injury or recent surgery, having a ton of luggage to take with you, a strict time deadline like catching a plane or train, not paying for it yourself or maybe being some mega-celebrity who'll get mobbed if they get on the subway. However, I hear there are celebrities who take the subway so that's not the greatest justification for it. Being rich also isn't an excuse to waste money.

If my mother, sister & oldest nephew (who was 3 at the time) took the subway and survived, there's no reason anyone else can't. They aren't city folk & if they weren't scared little babies about taking public transit, no one else gets to be in my presence. Quite a few LI folk my ex knew (including my MIL) were scared little crybabies about it.

You are NOT a real New Yorker if you can't handle the subway.

8. Giving to beggars/panhandlers: You are under NO obligation at all to give to them. In fact, it's illegal for them to solicit you. I have had people try to personally solicit me on the subway & walking around the city. I told the one on the subway about that law & he pretended not to hear me but backed off. There's also means to outcrazy the crazy if you need to.

Oh, and there are no panhandling hotties, male or female. Most of these people are scammers so don't follow altruistic instincts. If you seen someone falling & bleeding, just call the cops. Don't approach that person. Sane women will not hold it against you if you refuse to cater to panhandlers.

Physical deformities and children don't move me in light of people I know personally in those categories who have never resorted to harassing commuters for money.

9. Giving to performers & candy sellers: If you're moved to give to a good performer, why not? If they're bringing their A game & I feel like it, I might do it. My standards are high, though. Breakdancers, good actors, good singers, things that make me laugh or sheer honesty will make me consider it.

The people selling candy (usually young black men) can be awesome if their selection is good. On the further parts of the L in Brooklyn, they only seem to have peanut M&Ms and Welch's Fruit Snacks. But if someone's selling 100 Grand Bars or World's Finest Chocolate, I'll buy since they're harder to find & I like those. Candy bars are typically $1 each. These are different from beggars in my book since they're providing a useful good; I think the MTA ought to hire them to sell candy to commuters but that's just me.

You can also find churro sellers & cotton candy in some subway stations. I've only had the churros; if you don't care about messing up your clothes & need something really unhealthy, they're a good sugary snack. Their bags are also $1 & I believe you get 2-3 sticks of them.

10. Strangers approaching you: This is a frequent occurrence on the NYC streets and subway stations. 9 times out of 10, it will be a waste of your time. People will try handing you flyers, bothering you about petitions (they usually wear shirts advertising some cause), convert you to their faith, sell you things, etc. Avoid & ignore unless you dropped something & a stranger is giving it to you. That happens a lot in NYC (and they call us “rude”). If you didn't actually drop something or it's a religious proselytizer, just ignore that person.

Do NOT fall for the “Free Stress Test.” That's the Scientologists & they are a scary bunch. You are living under a rock if you don't know about that.

The religious nuts usually hang out in Union Square, Times Square & Broadway Junction. They also like to get on subways & preach at you, sometimes for multiple stops. Beggars usually move along quickly but some religious nuts will preach endlessly. Had a horrific experience on the J after getting back from Long Island one Thanksgiving. That is a moment you'll want that music player & ear buds.

11. NYC Attitude: It's survival of the fittest. Most of us walk fast. Subway delays drive us crazy since we have things to do, places to go & people to see. It's perfectly okay to take the empty seat in the subway (and if you give it up for a pretty girl, you'll get points for your chivalry), tell slow people & those blocking your path “excuse me” in a sharp tone, not fall for the extorted politeness some people try to pull (I told one guy that it wasn't how chivalry works since if you're just being polite for the praise, it defeats the purpose), even shove people out of the way to get on or off the subway. An MTA employee actually told us to do this to get on the subway when I was checking out the place I later moved into.

Don't worry about what people think of you. If you're going to be a NYC resident, you have no time to worry about offending people for not being the most polite person in America. You have to be tough & nasty sometimes.

Always look like you know where you're going, even if you don't. Those apps I mentioned will help you know what you're doing but if you need directions, ask an MTA employee or a cop. You could also ask random people if the train is going to a particular place & they'll usually tell you. Also, don't smile, pull out cash or maps; you will look like a tourist. I've seen people do this & been tempted to take advantage myself.

Feel free to yell out comments, give the finger or rage against assholery. I have serious pedestrian rage & road rage. Perhaps I do it in a way that makes people laugh (it lets me blow off steam) but if some jerk in a truck or a bus blocks my crosswalk, I will give them a dirty look or the finger. Same for people violating the traffic lights or who might dare to think to hit me while I'm crossing the street. Bike riders are especially notorious for violating crosswalks & zooming out when you've got the right of way. Just remember it's YOUR turf if you're a pedestrian.

You will know you are a true NYC resident when random people constantly ask you for directions & the bus tour guys don't approach you.

If you don't want to get stuck behind groups of tourists in places like Penn Station or Times Square, walk past the sidewalk on the road. You'll see the fast walkers over there, the people traveling with a purpose. You'll get where you're going a lot quicker doing that & it makes you look like you live here.

12. Subway Platforms/Temperature: Bundle up for the outside subway platforms. They get cold & windy. So does anyplace in NYC next to high buildings, near the water or where there's lots of traffic zooming by.

13. Suspiciously Empty Subway Cars: Don't go in these!!! They are empty for a reason, usually a very rank homeless person or odor, no A/C or heat or some other very good reason for it. This only applies to rush hour or where you see one empty car while the other ones are jam packed.

14. Public Transit to Avoid: Some routes are inevitable but if you can help it avoid the G and the J trains. Queens is a full on bus borough with some areas you can't get to on the NYC subway (Glendale & Maspeth to name 2 examples). I generally avoid the bus as much as I can since they are crowded, not as reliable and are more uncomfortable if they are crowded. This also goes for shuttle buses to replace subway routes. If you can avoid dealing with a shuttle bus, do it.

You'll thank me. I went through the hell of relying on the bus system in Atlanta so I know what I'm talking about.

15. Playing the Lawyer Card (if you are actually a lawyer; faking it is a felony in NY state): I encourage it & say it do it when necessary. I did it once when I was on a bus during a 90+ degree day where the driver had non-existent A/C on. I loudly talk about how some elderly person & children will collapse in the heat and own the MTA after the lawsuit. That driver cranked up the A/C real quick & I think I even referenced being an attorney as I did this so I could go represent that injured person.

16. NYC Residents Aren't Rude: We aren't. Generally if you leave people alone, they will leave you alone. If anyone gives you shit, see #11 & follow that. The motto here is “You leave me alone & I'll leave you alone.” Violation of that motto is bad business for all involved.

17. Find out about the Local Post Office, Police Precinct, FedEx & UPS: USPS tends to leave much to be desired in many parts of NYC. The one I had to deal with was horrid & known for being royally terrible, even on the Consumer Affairs Hotline. Yelp will come in handy for looking at reviews but if you can talk to people who live there about it, even better.

Same goes for the police precinct & the local UPS and FedEx locations. My police precinct was known for getting there too late to be effective & generally horrible. UPS also never left our packages or even rang our bell half the time. You had to go to a non-subway accessible location to get packages. I even had a UPS delivery guy bitch about carrying a heavy object we ordered up to my second floor apartment. FedEx was okay since you could sign an authorization allowing them to leave your delivery at the doorstep the next day & they followed that. As a rule, most package services won't do that unless you have a doorman or something.

Speaking of USPS, get the name of your local congress person. I once had to call up our local congresswoman when my post office “lost” a package of ours. After they investigated, it mysteriously turned up.

18. Grocery Stores: Grocery stores in NYC fall into 2 categories: expensive & shitty. You will get a better selection at stores in Long Island (having a car or a Zipcar membership will help).

The Food Emporium (an expensive grocery store) is owned by the same company that owns Waldbaums so if you have a Waldbaums discount card, you can use that at The Food Emporium.

19. Access to Bathrooms: Finding a bathroom in NYC without buying something in a business is a challenge. I'm going to make it easier for you & tell you where you can go for ones that have decent ladies rooms. The Grand Hyatt near Grand Central is a great restroom location. Hotel bathrooms in general are very nice, especially the one at The Plaza Hotel. I've never had problems getting into them & if you aren't a person of color or dress like a thug, you should be okay as well.

You can also use the bathroom in Starbucks if the Starbucks is big enough to have one; you don't have to buy anything first. There's also a bathroom at Brooks Brothers; I believe the one I went to was in the East 40s or 50s. You can also go to the Burlington Coat Factory near Union Square but the ladies room leaves much to be desired.

Apparently, you can also use bar bathrooms without buying things but some of those are TINY or really gross.

20. Libraries: NY Public all the way, at least in Manhattan. It's much cleaner, their policies strictly forbid nasty odors (basically, no homeless allowed) & they strike me as less likely to put up with thug shit. The branches I've been to are less sketchy. The Bronx & Staten Island are part of the NY Public library system.

I have no experience with Brooklyn but my experience with Queens is well documented. My ex still works at Queens Public.

21. Insurance: Car insurance here isn't that cheap. If you take a driving course, you can lower your car insurance rate.

22. Apartment Seasonal Norms: Landlords typically cover heat. If you have A/C units or some pump system, you're going to be paying $300+ a month in the summer for electric bills. However, you NEED A/C in the summer (at least this NC native does) if you want summer loving. It can get too hot for sex & I say that from experience. Plus, you might not want to go naked all the time if you don't have A/C. Most people can be horrendous to deal with if they are sweating their behinds off from no A/C; I know I can be a super bitch about it.

23. Quiet? Ha! You're not getting it here. Move to the suburbs if you want that. This is the city that never sleeps, unless you're in a more “family” oriented neighborhood & even then you've still got the subway and traffic.

24. Laundry: If you can get a washer & dryer in your place, you'll be a very happy person. I've met people who had smaller ones. Places with hookups can be hard to find. Most people have to go to laundromats, sometimes located a distance from where they are.

I used to get a laundry service to pick up & return our clothes since I hated the local laundromat (for good reason) & figured the cost evened out after we factored in gas, labor and washing materials to go to my MIL's house (the service provided detergent & rinse if you didn't have your own stuff you wanted to use).

Let's also not forget that laundromats have loud children running wild, annoying people & TVs blaring shows you have no interest in.

If you find yourself having to hang out in a laundromat, I suggest bringing a book or someone to make out with while you wait or it will be torture. Drying costs could also kill you; the standard is 25 cents for 8-9 minutes of drying.

25. Cell Reception: It's far from universal on the MTA.

Usually if the platform is outside, you'll get cell reception (though you'll freeze your butt off, at least I do).

The west side has more Wi-Fi than the east side in Manhattan. You won't get reception at Union Square, West 4th Street or the Atlantic Avenue-Barclays Center stops. You also won't get it on the L past 6th Avenue until you get to Wilson Avenue (but only if you're traveling to Brooklyn since that platform is outside but the one going to Manhattan isn't), again at Broadway Junction & any outside platforms past there.

You'll figure some of this out on your own or by reading Yelp reviews.

26. Meeting Women: It's not really kosher to try picking them up on the subway unless you can do it in a non-creepy way (say knocking into someone “accidentally” on a crowded train at rush hour or asking the time like the guy I told you about). Giving a compliment is also a little creepy & startling. Guys have tried picking me up on the subway & 9 times out of 10, it's creepy.

My suggestion if you don't want to go through friends or family is online dating sites. OkCupid has you answer a bunch of questions that they use to determine your match percentage. It is free.

You could also try stepping in to rescue her from a creep if you can tell she's uncomfortable. I'd appreciate a guy doing that for me, as long as he wasn't trying to extort politeness or sex from me.

* While we're on the subject of women, foreplay is your friend. Do NOT be the guy who refuses to engage in it. A good 90% of womankind loves foreplay & in my book, a guy not doing that is either a lazy, selfish prick or a rapist. Rapists don't care about the woman's comfort or enjoyment, as we all know. Ask yourself if you really want to be thought of as akin to a rapist.

When a guy tells me he doesn't like it or thinks it's a waste of time, I hear "I don't give a damn about your happiness or pleasure & only care about myself." Worse, I or any other woman could easily believe that you don't respect the word "no" or care if you put us in pain. Don't believe me? Go ask the source directly. Seek honest answers. Not a single woman I have ever met where the subject came up said she didn't like foreplay. Any who would consider themselves sexual beings have said they like foreplay to some degree. *

Just needed to say that last part. Debate me on it if you want but bring your A game if you dare to do it.

A Word About Racism & the Greek System

I was just reading this article about the SAE incident. For those not familiar with it, someone on the party bus of this chapter at the University of Oklahoma decided to videotape & post a video of this fraternity singing a racist chant. The school reacted by getting rid of the chapter, expelling people & the national office came down on them as well. Big controversy in some corners of the world.

The author actually cited an incident that happened at my school. I remember it well since I was a sophomore at the time, a member of the Greek system (though we may not have even been a chapter by that point & didn't have a house) and found the whole incident appalling. Coming from Winston Salem, NC & a high school class that was 50/50 black to white along with having many good friends who were never "tokens" but simply my black friends who weren't cutting me down behind my back like plenty of white bitches in my class, I didn't get the whole racism of these guys. I've always felt like other minorities can understand each other in a way people who aren't don't get. It might be a different story & different struggles but there's still knowing what it's like to be ostracized, bullied, harassed & having an "otherness" about you that likely explains why I've had lots of friends who wouldn't be candidates for membership into the Aryan Nation or WASP.

For the record, the major offender in that incident was not SAE like this story portrays. Perhaps there were racists there or immature guys simply joining in out of peer pressure or drunken stupidity but the real offenders were this other fraternity that draped themselves in the Confederate flag on a regular basis & called themselves "Southern gentlemen." I also wasn't personally present to see this since I was in my dorm room & then read about it later when the Black Student Association at my school publicized it.

SAE was not a fraternity that my black male co-worker at the campus museum said he wouldn't set foot in for fear of being harmed while the one I mentioned as the major offender (and the reason I had nothing to do with Oglethorpe for many years) was. These were his words, not mine.

Oh, and lest you think it's a Southern Greek system thing or that sororities always side with the frats it's not & we don't. My own sisters were just as appalled by the whole thing, especially the ones from outside of Georgia who were not used to seeing this blatant racism in their faces. We were equal opportunity & started out running the gamut in terms of our membership; I & at least one other founding member would be livid if that weren't true in our chapter today. I've seen that equal opportunity reflected in other chapters and among other alumnae I've met over the years. I don't think a single one, regardless of where her chapter was, would be siding with the behavior of the frats in this story.

There was another incident my senior year involving KA concerning their Greek Week skit & Antisemitic remarks among other offensive things (again, not present for that one; I was working in my telephone interviewing job at the time--I heard about this from my own sisters). Aside from my own sorority sisters (some of whom were Jewish), a number of girls in another sorority (who also had Jewish members) were quite ticked off about that as I recall.

Now I support free speech but I don't support speech without consequences & you bet if you uttered a racial slur around me, you'd get hell for it considering you're trashing dear friends of mine, business associates and some people who were actually there for me in life while your sorry ass probably wasn't. I'm glad to see this university taking action; my school let KA get away with shit for years. They were far too lenient on them, especially considering we were supposed to be a "liberal arts" school.

I never had issues with the other frats. I didn't go to SAE & feel like I wasn't welcome or an outsider. Guys who were members there were nice to me; I remember one of their members once telling me I was welcome there anytime. In fact, I got that kindness at every frat other than the racist one. Our newer members got along with some members there but I remember we older ones didn't feel welcome or like we had a place there. Guess we figured Southern gentlemen exempt loudmouth feminists from their "gentlemanly" behavior. At least, I felt that way.

Oglethorpe was trying to increase their black student enrollment when I was there. With the presence of that frat & a number of well known and well regarded black schools in Atlanta, I didn't blame black kids for not wanting to enroll in the racist pit that I saw Oglethorpe being at the time. I was also pissed since I didn't enroll there to endorse racism or have it shoved in my face; I came there for the academics & the experience of living in a major city.

My attitudes on race are more nuanced since I know racism isn't just a white thing. It's an everybody thing. I also lived a lot of things in my youth & had parents who taught me better than some of these people's parents must have. No one was a "token" with my parents & if they called you a friend of theirs, you were lucky especially with my mother since she's semi-reclusive. I still wish we were in touch with my father's truck driver friend (who was half black, half Native American) since I wanted him to know about my father's passing & be able to pay his respects. They were really good friends & we actually went to his house, a rarity with my parents' friends. He wasn't one of my father's drinking buddies & my mom actually liked him and his wife.

I'm skeptical of the whole "educating" people idea unless maybe it involves having to deal with direct confrontation or just dealing with people in day to day life & seeing they're really not so different from you. Kind of like that episode of The Boondocks where Uncle Ruckus meets that country music singer who's a total racist & they get along so well in their racism of black people, they do a duet. Granted, Ruckus claims to have the reverse skin condition of Michael Jackson & that's he's really a white guy but it's an example of why The Boondocks is pure genius in its social commentary. See the first three seasons for yourself; I didn't see much of the fourth so I can't speak on that one. Overall, I feel like when people are adults, they are set on certain things & sometimes so much so even death, poverty or divorce won't change them. Death didn't change my ex though it did change me. Losing stability also changed me in some ways though perhaps it also amplified what I already had. You can carve out exceptions for people you befriend or meet but it's very hard to change things like racism or homophobia & you can't do it in a commanding fashion or by forcing change. You have to do it in more subtle ways.

You have to show examples of people who aren't living up to the negative stereotypes. I also think a huge key is showing how we're the same. There are universals to human experience in my view. Death, kids, animals, weather (good or bad), parents, authority figures, the incompetence of our "elected" officials, that kind of thing.

Applying for Public Assistance: A Lawyer's Journey

At some point in a messy divorce where your ex has stolen all the marital assets & decided to toss you out like garbage, you reach a point of last resort. You realize that you're going to have to do certain things to take care of yourself. One of those things you may choose to do is apply for public assistance i.e. welfare. I choose to call it public assistance since I am not a victim, do not seek to be on anyone's dime for the rest of my life & if you call me lazy, I'll punch your pampered little face so hard you'll never look normal again.

As you read this, think about your assumptions concerning public assistance & welfare. Now put those aside & look at reality.

Do you think a lawyer would never be put in this position? I suggest you take your head out of your ass & join us in the real world where the legal employment market is known for being "terrible" by those in the know i.e. people doing the actual job hunting and looking at ads. The ones who weren't born to money or bought their way into a high class rank or T1 law school.

My reasons for applying were numerous & one of them included actual need. The application process is not a bad thing. They put me in their Back 2 Work program & I even said that was fine since it's not that I don't want to work. Read that statement again if you are one of my nosy haters: I have no issue at all with working itself.

What I have an issue with is doing work that makes me feel degraded, demeaned, utilizes none of my actual skills & is simply a waste of my time due to salary, intelligence, workplace atmosphere, that type of thing. Would YOU do work fitting that category? If so, you are a damn idiot.

I am also not a person who responds to being treated like a 6 year old or like some victim you get to terrorize. This is true for just about everyone but doubly so if you're dealing with an intelligent person. In about 2 seconds of meeting me, everyone always tells me I'm smart and pretty.

When I started out, I figured the process would be degrading and humiliating. I expected obscene bureaucracy, rudness at every corner, no rational human beings for miles, nannying on a regular basis, that kind of thing.

The applying process itself & the Back 2 Work program process wasn't bad in my opinion. Yes, you should bring something to do & ideally either have something not based on power like a smartphone or an external charger so if your phone dies, you can charge it without needing a working outlet. I've spent much of my time writing and doing a word search puzzle book. Writing is a good catharsis for me but I need a huge one today.

The people I've dealt with at the Back 2 Work center get it. They get that some of us are smart, that aspects of the program aren't addressing our needs & we aren't benefited by customer service training or food handling certifications. I have 7 years of retail from high school & college. I am a partner in a business. I could teach a class on customer service skills; I am the last person who needs training in that.

I weigh 105 pounds & can lift about 20 without killing myself. Not the person you ask to do a heavy lifting job.

I am not mechanically inclined, am terrified of most insects, have sensitivity to strong odors & will likely throw up if I'm around something rank, have zero maintenance/manual labor experience (it's beneath my first jobs even off the books) and am probably the last person who should be doing that type of work. Not to mention I was told outright by someone who had me doing such tasks that I "am not a housekeeper."

Who would want to supervise someone who is so incompetent, ill equipped and just disinterested in such tasks? In what universe would putting someone like that in such a job be a good idea for anyone involved?

I'd heard clerical was a possibility which is not something I'd object to doing for public assistance benefits but I AM a licensed attorney.

NY state recently instituted a 50 hour pro bono requirement for all new attorneys. There's been all this talk about the accessibility gap due to attorney fees vs. potential clients. AND there's an overage of attorneys.

So if an attorney is on public assistance & has to work in order to receive them as required by the state, why in the Hell is that attorney NOT being assigned to work as an attorney in the court house or for a legal aid organization or for some private legal services group like the bar associations or some other program? Why are taxpayer funds being spent toward an attorney, licensed by the very same state instituting this work requirement, picking up garbage, doing maintenance tasks or even doing a clerical position having zero to do with that attorney's license to practice?

I know we don't have a surplus of public interest attorneys; you hear NOTHING about public interest work except how there are shortages & these organizations would love the help but don't have the salary to pay people.

Why is the state not doing something about this immediately? Let me also note some of these public interest jobs aren't exactly glamorous or things many attorneys really want to do. I'd actually not mind doing it since I come from a lower income world & now that I'm doing this experience, will be a far better public interest attorney than anyone else since I'll have actually LIVED it + could give someone practical tips about the process that most attorneys won't have a clue about. I also feel better helping others & it will give me perspective about my own troubles.

Who the hell came up with this gross misallocation of resources or thinks it's a good idea? Not a single person I have spoken to about this at the job center or at HRA thought it made sense. Not a single person who's actually listened when I presented this said "Yeah, we should waste everyone's time and resources in this way."

Who are these higher ups, these changemakers I should talk to about this? I want to know. The Task Force to Expand Access to Civil Legal Services hasn't bothered contacting me so I don't think they really give a shit about helping the underserved or putting legal service providers in touch with them.

The bar association presidents I have contacted in Manhattan do not give a shit about attorneys who can't afford their licensing fees or people being on public assistance. There is no legal "community" at all in my eyes & you have to wonder why any attorney would waste their time paying dues to an organization that will invest in fancy buildings and expensive parties but won't even create a fund for those attorneys down on their luck for whatever reason: drug/alcohol addiction, health concerns or simply marrying a total asshole who ripped the rug out from under you during a very hard time in your life.

That, if you have a shred of reading comprehension or common sense, should fucking explain in no uncertain terms why I feel there is ZERO legal community & think it's a total crock to hear anyone use that phrase.

Meanwhile, the people I have dealt with in this time have been kind and sympathetic to my situation vs. being the type of asshole trying to make you feel worse or throw you under the bus. I have also talked to people at this job center to find that apparently I am not the only person being underserved here or getting assigned to do tasks she has no aptitude, experience or interest in.

However, I might be the only person with enough bees in her bonnet and anger coursing through her to go make a huge public stink & attack the issue with the same gusto and verve that I used in dealing with other seemingly impossible fights other people wouldn't have taken on. I might be the only lady with a track record of fighting arbitrary, unfair policies imposing what I consider undue harm unto me. People hearing about that history never question why I'm an attorney.

As I've said before, I consider prostitution and stripping less degrading for me than doing manual labor. At least there I'd make real money & use some actual skills I have vs. doing something I not only hate with every fiber of my being but am not even good at.

If I joined the military, I wouldn't be doing front line infantry grunt work. They'd put me in JAG. The military knows that people aren't going to give their all or bother with something they are ill-suited for or think is beneath them. Why doesn't NY state or any other place with such ridiculousness get that?

Do I think manual labor is beneath me? Yes, I do. Ask any attorney whether they'd give up their legal job to work as a housekeeper or do custodial work for strangers at the average rate of pay for those jobs. I'm pretty sure zero would do that.

Ask any retail sales associate if they'd give up their retail job to work as a housekeeper or do custodial work for strangers at the average rate of pay for those jobs. I'm sure you'd get the same answer.

Just for the record, not MY fault or MY actions that caused all this. Look to my deadbeat soon to be ex-husband if you want to find fault here. If you think I planned or caused this shit, then you are a pampered, spoiled, piece of garbage who's never lived & deserves whatever karma feeds to them. I want you to suffer on the level of Job if you dare to assign blame to me or judge me in any fashion over what I have to do in order to survive and not let my shitty ex-husband or his relatives take everything I worked for away from me. I may not be religious but I do know my Baptist faith, thank you very much.

The "Too Perfect" Problem; Society's Dirty Little Secret

Everyone tells you to be the best you can be. Have the greatest resume, look as cute as you can, strive for the best. If you're doing things right, you end up amassing great experiences, accomplishments, and get people who would love to be just like you. Maybe you're a professional athlete, a model, an attorney, a doctor, a millionaire from that great idea you came up with & was fortunate enough to find backers for. Whatever you end up doing, there's a dirty little secret society hasn't told you about: there is such a thing as being "too perfect."

Yes, you can be too smart, too good looking, too capable, too competent, too creative, too great. People will reject you in such pretty, nice ways but you know something? Rejection is still rejection & no matter what package you wrap it in or how pretty a bow you put on it, rejection still sucks.

I have encountered this problem in both job hunting and in my romantic life. It's patently obvious if you knew the history of my marriage, details about my ex-husband, the climate we were dealing with through the marriage & toward the ends that I got rejected for being "too" great & good. The consensus says it was due to my ex's emotional problems with his own self-worth & insecurities in his own head. You know, I'm here getting rejected for the very things society wants you to be. Society wants you to be smart, attractive, educated, affable, all that stuff.

Perhaps I'm an overachiever. There, I've said it. I was always getting the top grades in school, got a retail job at JcPenney at 15 & later worked at Godiva + did supervisory work, was a founding member of a sorority chapter, became a partner in a business, and keep making new contacts that have some influence someplace. I even have a law degree; graduating law school with something past a C average requires some overachiever tendencies.

I report to this job center as part of some tasks in my quest to survive in NYC with no traditional resources, a mission plenty of people wouldn't have the guts to embark on. I'm glad to finally have the advocacy I've never gotten in my own job searches & to find that, in fact, I've got a pretty fucking good idea of why I'm the prettiest wallflower at the school dance. Maybe certain people should have/ought to listen when I speak vs. pushing their own assumptions & agenda on me.

The lead source manager there, who I work with regularly, is a doll & when I do get my financial house in order I'm doing something very nice for her and that job center. Details on that will be coming when I talk about my experiences applying for public assistance in light of having a husband who treated his nearly 10 year relationship with me as disposable and worthless while kicking me while I'm down like that made him any sort of real man. At least no models will give him the time of day; this woman looks out for her own & wouldn't let some other girl make the mistake she did.

When I go to this job center, there are periods of waiting. I'm never simply waiting. I'll be talking to people, writing or doing this word search puzzle book I found & hadn't ever used. Perhaps I'll also start including reading in this gap if there's a nearby library I can check out & return books at easily. I also look at ads and do things to stimulate my mind since I'm not a person who wants to just sit around & do absolutely nothing. It's just not in my nature to be lazy, contrary to what certain hating assholes might have to say.

But, the "too perfect" problem: God forbid if you utilize your maximum potential in life because there are plenty of cases where you won't be financially rewarded for it or even get the guy/girl you want. If you're intelligent, the average employer just wants you to be a fucking, flaming idiot instead of using your brain & trying to make things in your job or in the business better. I've talked about this for years; it's "the dumbass theory." Apparently, instead of being your best in life what we're really supposed to be doing is feeding the fragile egos of middle managers & CEOs who can't stand on their own two feet or exhibit any real confidence to not be threatened by smarter or more resourceful people. You know, I could be a source that's with you to make things better or I can be your competition & hammer you into the ground. Being nice to me & having me as an ally could be a far better course of action, don't you think? I do. Too bad it feels like 99% of recruiters, employers and business owners don't view it that way.

Same with dating. God forbid you be pretty AND have a brain in your head (in some cases, let's include "not being a blonde"). Guys will reject you since they clearly can't handle a real woman who's got her own mind & doesn't "need" him (yet some of these same guys want the woman to bankroll him) but instead chooses him. No wonder women feel pressure to dumb themselves down.

My solution is to simply look for people who are as intelligent as me & can understand what I'm talking about. Or at the very least, find people who have security in themselves as human beings and aren't threatened by anyone else's greatness. I know another guy who's not high on looks or has limited education is going to ultimately get pissy at me for being smart & for being pretty. Yeah, sorry if you're a guy in that boat: you're probably not going to convince me you're any different unless you can show me real ambition or you're just relentless enough to wear me down (which is VERY tough to do).

I was trying to repel one guy friend for a good 7-8 years before I realized no matter how vicious, blunt or mean I was he wasn't going to let me push him out. Someone who doesn't let me push him away is a keeper; I'm not the easiest person to be friends with & will be a much harder person to have a romantic relationship with in light of this whole nasty divorce thing. Add this on top of never seeing a truly good, functional marriage up close & a general cynicism of life from living in the wrong place and you've got the ultimate prickly pear. You probably don't have 7-8 years or the kind of emotional constitution required to put up with a natural redhead even when she's in a good mood.

I need some peers who understand these problems. Been working my butt off to get those. I might be the perfect entrepreneur but you need money to invest in a business & yourself. I don't have a trust fund or come from money so just how am I supposed to do that? Anyone got any answers I've not thought of yet?

Also, who thinks it's really shitty that people should have to hide who they are or apologize for things God gave them in order to appease inferior assholes who have low self-esteem & zero security in themselves? I think it's a sad commentary on life. I wonder what we'd call the dumbass theory when it comes to dating; the average girl theory? Maybe "the goddess problem" works. If you're seen as a goddess, guys think you're unattainable & plenty won't bother trying. But why should we have to deny or pretend not to be goddesses if we clearly are? It's an aura. It's patently obvious. I see no need to try changing that about myself & find it sickening for anyone to even suggest I do it.

So kids, take note. Don't bother being an overachiever or aspiring to greatness, especially if you haven't got your own money for things. The second you do, especially if you're a woman, you'll have haters in authority trying to bring you down. You think the haters are only your peers or people below you on education or looks but they seem to be "leaders" who have long forgotten how to be good at being leaders. A real leader knows (s)he won't be around forever & isn't infallible; they know it's a good idea to keep the great on THEIR side, not leave that person to dangle & use that rejection to beat them mercilessly in business or some other metaphorical context.

I feel like I have to train myself to be a good dumbass or plain Jane in dealing with society instead of getting to be who I really am. That's why I feel it's necessary to network & find people who can at least see that frustration even if they don't personally experience that sort of rejection on a regular basis. So few actually get it & I know some dipshits will claim this is "pretty people problems." They would be highlighting exactly the fragile egos I hate being forced to appease.

Extortion Disguised As Politeness: Fuck You & Fuck You Too!!

I'm not sure if this is just a NYC thing or if it's a US thing or something that just happens everywhere. You're walking someplace & about to walk into the door of a building. There's someone in front of you going in who holds the door open. As you walk in, they loudly & nastily say "You're welcome."

Holding a door for someone is polite. Holding a door for an attractive woman if you are a guy is appreciated & that woman will think you're a chivalrous bastard (I use the term playfully here). Played properly, you might even be able to use that to meet this woman and go do wild, nasty things with her. Just depends on your personality and how confident you are in your meeting new people techniques.

But saying "You're welcome" loudly? That just makes you an extortionist scumbag. No one wanted or asked for your insincere politeness in the first place. I sure didn't ask you for any fucking favors. New York City folks have things to do, places to go, people to see & will damn well get there with or without your white knighting.

Encountered a guy waiting around this morning & held a door open for me so I could get through. When I'd not even fully gotten through that door, he goes "You're welcome" in this nasty tone. I go "Thank you" and then yell "That's not how chivalry works!"

I think the proper response to this should be "Thanks, asshole." Believe I will be remembering to do that next time.

What is the deal with this? Seriously. Do you need the "thank you" THAT badly? Can you be polite & a kind, conscientious citizen without having to get praised? Are you one of those special snowflake kids who needs a trophy even if he fumbles the ball, misses the goal or just completely fucks up in a sporting event b/c you "tried?" Or maybe you're the type of asshole who performs a good deed and then expects the person to be your slave or roll out a red carpet and kiss your toes, ass, ring, whatever anytime you walk out the door & insisting you are the best person to be born since Mother Teresa or some other great luminary the common people wouldn't dare disparage.

I hate, HATE people who do a good deed only b/c they want praise, adoration, a "thank you" or anything else other than the good feeling they should have by doing it. Holding the door open is not pulling my unconscious body out of a fire. It is not akin to representing me pro bono in my contested divorce or accidentially maiming the 10 people I hate most on this planet (just a random number; I'm sure I could come up with a list of people I hate most & why they deserve it but too busy with other things right now). It is not handing me millions of dollars tax free or getting me a lifetime supply of chocolate or even giving me 10+ orgasms in one night.

Nor is it akin to giving me a mansion on a tropical island that is now owned by me or getting me a staring role in a Hollywood feature film or killing all of the scummy lawyers who lie about giving a damn about people when they really just care about your net worth & the size of your paycheck. Yes, I'm about at the point where I say "Fuck all of you" with respect to attorneys who aren't my friends or who have shown me they give a damn about me the person.

Peforming a basic act of common courtesy does not make you Jesus. If you think it does, then don't bother. If you are performing such an act just for the praise, adoration of your peers, to impress dates, that kind of thing don't bother. That attitude is a huge reason I hate asking for favors from people; they act like they should be martyred & I should build a statue of their likeness so I can throw myself prostrate at it the second I wake up every single morning.

I consider this a form of extortion. You are told to say "thank you" for such acts & when someone isn't being a passive aggressive douchebag in performing common courtesy, chances are I will thank them or nod or something. But if I am preoccupied, listening to my music or who knows what, don't think saying "you're welcome" to me in a snotty tone is going to motivate me to give a damn about you. Do that to the wrong person & you could get shot sometime. Or maybe you'll get attacked. You ever think about that, hot shot?

I wonder if this just a NYC thing or if it happens in parts of the South or places where citizens are more likely to be carrying guns. I learned in my college Intro to Sociology class that Southerners on a whole are more aggressive & more likely to shoot you for offenses like harming a family member and the like. Perhaps this is my Southern upbringing showing?

I LOVE the chivalry. Men, take note: being chivalrous is a turn ON. Only insecure bitches & angry feminists who have mental issues get offended by a man being polite, chivalrous, all that good stuff. Those aren't the people sane, rational folk want to spend time with or have quality relationships with. If you are one of them, seek help.

Being an asshole is NOT, contrary to what Family Guy might tell you, a turn on for women you want to be involved with. Immature bitches with self-esteem problems might be okay with it but women getting out of bad marriages who have seen and dealt with things most people haven't at a young age just think you're immature, a bad person, maybe even a taker in bed.

Today is actually an auspicious day for me though at least I know this Valentine's Day will be better. No dealing with a jerky spouse who declares he "has no Valentine." My plans are secret, lest prying eyes want to spy on me or use my superiority against me in the divorce. I have to remember that Tina Turner got nothing in her divorce from Ike except her name & she had 4 kids to take care of along with being physically abused by him for years. She ended up doing better without him, as those of us familiar with basic pop culture know. If she could do that, why not me?