Reaching Out to Strangers on Social Media: There's a Right Way & a Wrong Way

This comes up as I did my forum yesterday. If you didn't get to go, you missed out. Seriously. Jagger was an awesome mod who totally delivered on the promise of educational but accessible (and then some). He made me laugh with the mic talk. I've wondered about such things myself with bar associations, especially City Bar's lack of a sound system considering Thug High had one & we really didn't have much in the way of nice stuff. If Thug High, who has far less money for operations than a NYC bar association, can have a sound system, why the hell doesn't that bar association? I'd really like to know the answer. I can't be the first person to notice such things or say something.

People kept complimenting me on the speakers & my friend Monroe got swarmed by folks afterward. I kid you not. Even my business partner, who attended, wanted to meet him & I made a point to introduce those two. He said he liked Monroe since he was a hustler & remembered me mentioning him before (remember, if I like you & you're on my radar screen you will be mentioned if XYZ thing I remember about you comes up in conversation). That guy will be coming to NYCLA again if I've got anything to do with it. Before I even invited him for this, I knew it would be stupid of me not to. Sometimes being a good leader & organizer means recognizing who's going to deliver the image you're working on + mesh well with your group.

I'm trying to get the "I'm stick of stuffy" demographic since I feel like they've been ignored. I consider myself one of them & God knows I've felt ignored. Plus, what do you expect from the woman who's playing a prostitute in this year's off year show for City Bar?

Even if you're not doing nudity or sex scenes, it takes confidence & a sense of self to portray such a role. I probably couldn't have done it if it was given to me in high school, even though no one there would have believed it since I'm sure most of those guys would find it hard to believe that any guy in his right mind would pay money to sleep with me.

I have had so many compliments from this event from both creatives and lawyers/law students; people thanked me for doing it, thanked my speakers & my moderator (whom I made sure to thank since they totally deserve it & know their stuff). I also think when someone does something nice for you & helps you, you should sincerely thank them for it--at least, this is an American entertainment industry ethic. I even read an article recently on the power of public praise in the workplace & how it raised morale as well as productivity. Some bosses could use that lesson.

My husband also made me proud by networking on his own and doing targeted introductions to my business partner. Meanwhile, as the event organizer, I had to mingle and network amongst my attendees. Don't organize an event if you can't handle this. Funny that I went to an event on Thursday & another industry contact I know told me I was working the room. "Damn," I thought "Here I am, the quiet chick & I'm able to work a room. Okay, then."

As a result of that & doing last night's event, I've gotten lots of cards and met people. I have a TON of follow up to do to say the least.

Then, I've had people send me social media connection requests, particularly on Facebook. Some people use Facebook like I & others use LinkedIn.

Most of the people reaching out have been creatives or I saw they went to my forum so when I got those requests, I was like "Okay, I'll approve it. I don't think this person will try censoring me or telling me what to do." Could you imagine it? I'd handle that quickly, rest assured.

But there are always those people who send you a friend request, have no direct connections to your immediate contacts & have no information on their profiles. You're like "Who the hell are YOU and why are you so anxious to friend ME?"

It pissed me off when it happened on MySpace & it still pisses me off today.

Here's what to do & what not to do if you're reaching out to an industry person you don't know:

1. Tell the person WHY they should friend you. Often, sending a message is best for this (even if it goes to the Other mailbox) but having information on your profile available for the person's perusal or being a mutual contact can help. It does for me, at least. Show me some commonality.

One of my industry friends also agreed that sending a message when trying to friend a stranger is basic etiquette. This is the same thing for LinkedIn connection requests. I select contacts carefully so you won't get a request from me unless I saw something on your profile that interested me like a job, mutual interests, a general ethic, etc. I also do targeted networking & if I think you're going someplace or are where I'm heading, you're going to be someone I wish to talk to. You may end up becoming one of my few trusted contacts as things are moving for me.

At least the good news is I've been getting contacts lately who have their own success so maybe I won't have that whole green eyed monster problem.

2. If you haven't done this & I ask you WHY you want to friend me (which I will do if I can't find any information to support your request like mutual friends, going to my event, etc.), do NOT get all pissy about my asking.

First off, I'm an attorney. Even with entertainment attorneys, who are some of the most accessible and nicest people you will meet in the legal community, you aren't going to get sunshine and roses if an attorney doesn't know you. We attorneys are not in a popularity contest & it benefits you to respect us vs. wanting to have our babies, kill for us or be our best friends. You have to prove yourself to attorneys; as I've said a million times, you can't be an asshole to us.

Attorney may be one of the few occupations where you can get away with being an asshole to others (though maybe judge is better since attorneys can't get away with being assholes to judges). A good attorney is not some doormat throwing people under the bus to impress someone who may very well be trying to exploit them, their contacts or their clients.

Second, I'm a film executive. That's another occupation where you can get away with being an asshole, at least selectively. We are bombarded with people asking for things. It's like wearing a big sign that says "Ask me for favors." You don't even need the sign; people just do it anyway. The higher you are, the more common it is.

There is a finesse and a process to building rapport. Any film exec has every right to be suspicious of strangers who aren't doing the same thing or aren't at their level. Your job, stranger, is to show me you aren't just another asshole asking for a special favor.

Third, my public profile has increased. I'm sure to see more long lost relatives & random others popping out of the woodwork. Having a public profile means you have to be guarded and selective with who you talk to & what information you give. Again, stranger you are the one who has to prove yourself.

3. Don't be an idiot. We have lawyer jokes for a reason. Lawyers didn't get their rep for nothing, as I stated above. Me not being a stereotypical attorney asshole doesn't = embracing total strangers with 100% open arms with no questions on who they are, why they care to see all my personal updates/rants/pics/etc. Creeps & stalkers exist, especially for people in the entertainment industry. If you work in it professionally, you will encounter it sooner or later. It's probably a sign you've made it if you're getting this hassle. Caution saves us time & heartache. Professionals understand this. Not understanding it tells me you aren't a professional or you're extremely naive & something bad will eventually happen b/c you likely give that open arms treatment to strangers.

So, to recap lawyers aren't campaigning for Miss America & the good ones care more about your respect than if you like them as people. What good is someone who likes you as a person but stomps on you, subverts your authority, talks to other attorneys behind your back & excludes you from important conversations with them, etc.? Or worse, that person is breaking every law under the sun but likes you b/c you didn't do anything about it? That doesn't fly in law land; it's a fast track to getting disbarred.

I had someone do this with a friend request. It's like "Did you bother researching me? Did you read this blog? Did you ask around?" Come on, I'm the enforcer! I've also had a lot of haters in life.

Trying to get people to like you is a losing battle since I tried that early in life & failed miserably. When I stopped doing that in 8th grade, I had real friends who had my back & eventually got respect from others since I didn't tolerate anyone trying to demean me. That was worth so much more than the fake friendships I had. Eventually, I let go of all those fake friendships & decided that being in my life and getting my time was a privilege, not something I had to beg or grovel to anyone for.

Seriously, even if you aren't working in the entertainment industry or an attorney it's still a good idea not to go around begging others for approval in life & just be your own person who says "Here I am. Take it or leave it." It's been said a trillion times but it's still true: if you don't look after yourself or respect yourself, no one else is going to.

General Musings Part 17

So, a few things have been going on lately. First off, I've taken some more assertive steps for 2 things I got communications on: a job offer & a meeting with the President of a local bar association I belong to. It remains to be seen if I'll ever get a definitive start date, salary & at a minimum, a written statement that some other attorney isn't going to get this job while I'm not being contacted.

Let's face it, you can't trust prospective employers not to do that stuff. This isn't the situation of a business partner, where you've got a written contract against that kind of thing. Nope, this is you blowing in the wind. Based on my experiences with people outright lying to my face + the stories I've read/heard about, I have very little trust when it comes to a business I don't own. Some of these people deserve some karma, as you're going to see an example of shortly.

Now, on to more stupidity:

I saw this & here's my thought: he ought to know if that's true. After all, he ran a Ponzi scheme for years. I was amused.

This has been something my husband, his co-workers & I have talked about for YEARS. Where were you, Daily News?

Let's not even talk about what it's like when they don't have weekend subway service. I couldn't even go into the city one weekend b/c my train line had shuttle buses over the ENTIRE way & there was no alternate to that crap.

In case you can't tell, I hate dealing with shuttle buses due to safety reasons (you're literally packed on there like sardines, sometimes unsafely) & the fact that it takes twice as long to get someplace on them as it does on the subway.

And this is total overreaction. Just another example of an overly sensitive parent who should just home school their child. What will this mother do if her son ends up a target of bullies? Or someone calls him a racist word sometime? I think this sort of thing is innovative teaching & is far more vivid, socially relevant, effective, etc. than having kids do a passive activity like reading or watching a film. I bet she's also one of those people who wants to keep the Censored 11 under wraps. Denying history is the easiest way to repeat it.

And shame on the school board who'll likely throw this teacher under the bus.

Now, here? Welcome to karma!!!

I honestly have to wonder when workers in this county are going to do that. Not saying I necessarily condone violence but if you act like a jerk to others, karma will generally kick your sorry behind. Kind of hard to have any sympathy for someone who profits richly off the backs of their employees while the employees are on welfare, especially when the executive in question brags about that kind of thing.

That's why I make it a point to treat all people with basic human dignity & respect. You can bet if I had employees, I'd not exploit them since I wouldn't want that done to my family members & didn't appreciate the treatment of people I knew who worked in "shit" jobs (defined as jobs that have no upward advancement & supervised by anti-education thugs who'd never let you advance).

Take note, big business owners. Treat people like shit & you could end up like this senior executive if you've left them in poverty with no chance to do anything better in life. If you weren't bragging about your deeds & showed some humanity, maybe it wouldn't happen to you.

Consider the mayor of Cincinnati who was on Undercover Boss last night. He did both jobs AND even wore a fat suit. That's dedication & I respect the guy for it since I know Bloomberg doesn't have the balls to do that kind of thing himself. He's too busy living in a bubble with the rich to bother with any public service duties. He also supports a Wal-Mart in NYC, forgetting that his rich friends will have to pay more to Medicaid & the welfare program b/c no one else will be able to afford it (remember, he either laid them off or Wal-Mart effectively shut down the small businesses) + these Wal-Mart employees will have to use it due to the poverty level wages Wal-Mart offers.

I know that the library director in my husband's area is too arrogant to that kind of thing as well based on his own past remarks. He also doesn't even drive on snowy/icy roads b/c he has a driver the taxpayers are probably paying through the nose for, but has no qualms demanding his employees to come in & work while risking their lives in such conditions.

Since the "have/have not" divide is getting larger & larger, one really has to consider that it's just a question of when this happens to a senior executive here vs. if it happens. People get pissed off & it's part of human nature.

Some sound advice here but this is how I view salary: it's the payment you make for me to dedicate my full energy to your work. Pay me too little & I'll be taking side jobs to make up the difference. That means if my side work pays more, you're not going to be my first priority.

You also risk my leaving your job to go to a higher paid competitor (myself as a freelancer or to some other company).

If you want to be the #1 priority, you're going to have to pay me a proper rate. I also adamantly refuse to sign anything restricting my ability to take side work if I'm making a pathetic rate. Some fields ban that practice anyway, including mine.

As long as we establish that, we're good. Too bad more employees don't approach salary discussions that way. These days, after getting my own legal clients, I certainly do.

Finally, this article. I'm truly skeptical about that kind of thing & think you should notice the contradiction at the end.

"No formal tone" but "maintain professional stuff." Yeah...so basically this means create an anemic Facebook profile that has nothing to do with your personality. That sounds like BigLaw logic.

Is anyone else concerned that as time goes on, places like Facebook will be filled with bland, vanilla, horribly banal profiles that make you just want to fall asleep because the people are that boring???

I've had people send me friend requests but have no way for me to message them to ask about them. For instance, why should I friend you? What do you do? What is your reason for your friend request to me, a total stranger? Are you violating policies directly stated on my profile, such as trying to get me to read your unsolicited material or ask me for a very personal favor?

Unless I actually know you in real life, you're going to have to answer that stuff before you see my personal Facebook page. Furthermore, my Facebook page is PERSONAL. I'm hardly a binge drinking, coke addicted whore but at the same time, I do have strong viewpoints & will not temper them for anyone's delicate sensibilities. I tell people that if their sensibilities are THAT delicate, then they should NOT be a Facebook friend.

I'd also never friend anyone who had employment power over me or any co-worker in such a job unless that person stated point blank in writing that any material on my personal page wouldn't be used against me. Face it, it's just better to work for yourself.